Quitbook

Today is "Quit Facebook Day", created by people fed up with the social networking site's closed nature and privacy issues. Didn't get the message? Guess they should have kept their accounts a few days longer...

Currently there's around 30,000 "committed" quitters, which means it's not going to be a big deal in the scheme of Facebook things, other than similar small blurbs on blogs like this. Will Friendster and MySpace (you still have accounts there that have withered)? Time proves folks will find the next big thing, but even the founders of the Quit Facebook Day movement admit that no other social networking site is quite as useful as Facebook.

But for those who stay, let's hope their Facebook profile has less then 5,000 friends. It's a serious problem when the New York Times asks, "Are 5,001 Friends Too Many"? Or is it? If you're so popular that you've got thousands of "friends", you either need a fan page, or you've got the loosest interpretation of the definition of what a friend is. And you should quit Facebook.

Will There Be A Vote On Ugly Too?

Former lawyer and current plastic surgery victim Greta Van Susteren received an email from "Brian", a viewer of her Fox News program, who said her "brain is empty". To prove his point, she started a poll on her blog: "Who is dumber? Greta, or Brian." Do I need to tell you the results?

Van Susteren, who also has the strike against of being a Scientologist, posted the email without hesitation (or thought):

Greta,
You got that right, you have a mind like a sieve. Your brain is empty. Matter of fact, it is so empty, if you put a pea in your skull it would rattle around like a BB in a boxcar. You said it, gal, not me, but I sure do agree with you. A true blonde.
Brian
Tahlequah, OK
PS How do you get that cush job, anyway?

You may have control on your show, but you're going to find out the hard way the internet is not where you go for personal validation. Especially in poll form.

Pour One Out

Rest in peace, you beautiful madman.

Big Ass Memorial Weekend

Barbecues! Birthdays for Herr Docktor and JCG! The last F1 race before the road trip to Montreal! Half a dozen new chairs! Are three days enough to fit it all in?

Best of the week: A British scientist says he is the first man in the world to become infected with a computer virus. Serves him right for putting his floppy disk in a corrupted drive.

Dr Mark Gasson had a chip inserted in his hand which enabled him to pass through security doors and activate his mobile phone - basically a sophisticated version of ID chips used to tag pets. And then he infected it with a virus to see how it would transfer...and it did, to external control systems. If other implanted chips had then connected to the system they too would have been corrupted.

The test is a proof of principle that has implications for a future where medical devices such as pacemakers and cochlear implants become more sophisticated, and risk being contaminated by other implants and technology.

Plus: There's billboards, bus-stop ads and television spots for Killers...but thankfully it's putrid evil won't be unleashed until it's release date. There won't be any previews: They're everywhere, featuring Katherine Heigl and Ashton Kutcher juggling guns and bantering over super-secret identities.

Critics won't see the film before it appears in theaters because it's a nasty turd, but the marketing spinsters say it's "part of a growing strategy in Hollywood that relies more on social networking to promote new releases instead of riskier movie reviews". The only thing risky about getting your film reviewed is if it's made of unwatchable suck.

Lionsgate has planned a "courtesy screening" for critics the morning the film opens. It's a tactic studios normally use when there's a guaranteed idiot niche audience, such as for horror movies or ones based on video games — the logic being that fans of the genre will show up, regardless of reviews. Is there a genre base for crappy films?

"We want to capitalize on the revolution in social media by letting audiences and critics define this film concurrently," Lionsgate said in a statement. "In today's socially connected marketplace, we all have the ability to share feedback instantly around the world. In keeping with this spirit, Lionsgate and the filmmakers want to give the opportunity to moviegoing audiences and critics alike to see Killers simultaneously, and share their thoughts in the medium of their choosing. We felt that this sense of immediacy could be a real asset in the marketing of Killers". Holy shit,that is some misdirection!

And: Music Hack Day was a full weekend of hacking in San Francisco. The main goal of MHD is to "explore and build the next generation of music applications, in which participants will conceptualize, create and present their projects". Music + software + hardware + art + the web = sounds pretty cool to me. Of particular mention is Tristan's The Swinger, a bit of code that takes any song and makes it swing. It does this by taking each beat and time-stretching the first half of each beat while time-shrinking the second half. Here's some examples:

Every Breath You Take

Enter Sandman

White Rabbit

You can convert your own at Swingify, but keep it simple - those MAGNA polyrhythms don't quite translate so smoothly.

Best picture of the week:

wherever this is, crazy shit is about to go down

Best bonus links:

• Elderly Chicago Couple Buried Alive In Trash - It's not like there's a recycling bin for them, is there?

• Lost Boys: The Thirst Trailer...Prepare Thy Greasy Sax Man - You can't kill awful, even if you stake it through the heart. I'll pay for your rental if they don't dedicate the film to Corey Haim.

• Teacher In Trouble After Students Don Klan Robes - There were not enough to share with everybody, so that's a no-no.

• Deadly, Ultra-Pure Heroin Arrives In US - Hooray! Just in time for the three day weekend!

• The 50 Prettiest Porn Stars Of All Time - I take issue with calling them the "prettiest". Or even "stars". Better enjoy them before the penis link below.

• Shark Attacks Most Likely On Sunday In 6 Feet Of Water - I never thought that I'd say going to church may actually be good for you.

• USAF Vehicle Breaks Record For Hypersonic Flight - We're going to bend the definition of vehicle to include scramjet engines launched from a plane. But it is fast!

• The Best Lost Memes, Videos, T-shirts, Fan Art, And More / A List Of Unanswered ‘Lost’ Questions / Lost Finale Got Almost As Many Viewers As Mr. Belvedere / ABC Admits Lost's Final Moments Were Meaningless - Lost may be over, but there's still lots to sink your teeth into.

• Medical Advice For Head-Bangers - Whip that head around harder? Because that's what I would have suspected.

• I Thought Fat People Were Supposed To Be Jolly - Fortunately they're still predictably disgusting.

• Angry Palin Neighbor Offered House To Journalist - Karma is a bitch, you dumb bitch next door.

• Clip Art Makes Everything Shit - If you use it, you're already abusing it.

• Lohan Makes Movie Poster, Not Movie - It was the biggest Hollywood production she could manage. In-between arrests. And clubbing.

• Government: About 45 Million Americans Don't Buckle Up - And the roads will soon be more wide open for me. Keep it up!

• People On Poppers - If you can't make it to the S&M ball, buy the book.

• Mobile Phone Number Suspended After Three Users Die In 10 Years - If you end up getting it, don't bother with call waiting.

• Re-cut: The Jesse James Nightline Interview In 20 Seconds - Essence of douchebag, distilled and concentrated.

Worst of the week: A rural Mississippi school district that was sued by a lesbian student who wanted to bring a same-sex date to the high school prom is denying accusations it routed her to a "sham prom" at a country club while most of her schoolmates partied elsewhere. Wow, that's more effort than that episode of G-Force where they made them think their plane took off when it really didn't.

The Itawamba County School District addressed the claims made by the ACLU on behalf of Constance McMillen, who attended a prom at the Fulton Country Club that drew fewer than 10 other students from her high school. Most of her classmates attended a separate event at the nearby Evergreen Community Center, to which McMillen was not invited and saw in pictures on the internet. At the time, McMillen had already sued the district over its policy banning same-sex prom dates and for canceling an April 2 school-sponsored prom after the teenager pressed to bring her girlfriend to the event and wear a tuxedo.

A District Judge had ruled in March that the district had violated McMillen's rights, but didn't force the district to reinstate the prom. District officials had told the judge that McMillen was free to attend a parent-sponsored prom, but officials "deny that the parents decided instead to hold two proms, one for the plaintiff and one for her classmates."

No date has been set for the lawsuit to go to trial, but the case has led other school districts to reconsider their prom policies. And their secret prom policies.

And: A Foxconn Technology worker tried to kill himself, becoming the 13th person to commit suicide or attempt to do so this year at the company which makes high-tech products for industry giants such as Apple, Dell and Hewlett-Packard. China, still looking to be a world leader!

Police said the man, who began working there two months ago, survived after cutting himself in his dormitory room at the factory. The 12 previous suicide attempts involved workers who jumped from buildings. Two survived, so I guess it wasn't 12 attempts, but 10 suicides and two attempts. Another worker killed himself in January at a factory in northern China, because that's team-building.

Hours earlier, a Foxconn chairman led a media tour of the industrial park and promised to work harder to prevent more deaths. Maybe they ought to lock the roof access. They showed off a motherboard factory, hot line center and even a swimming pool for employees. The walled-in industrial park, where 300,000 people work, looks like a small city, with palm tree-lined streets, fast-food restaurants, banks and a bookstore among huge factory buildings and towering dormitories. And soul crushing despair.

Safety nets were being installed on buildings and more counselors were being hired. He also said all the employees were being divided into 50-member groups, whose members would watch for signs of emotional trouble within their group. Or make a mass-suicide pact. Labor activists accuse the company of having a rigid management style, a too-fast assembly line and overwork. Foxconn denies the allegations, and noted that productivity and profits were up for the ninth straight quarter.

Worst picture of the week:

the monster stirs

Worst bonus links:

• Jamaica: 73 Killed In Hunt For Alleged Drug Lord - Take it irie, mon. Just tell dem to chill out and give up da big boss.

• Today's College Students Lack Empathy - Whatever.

• Lombardi `Not Optimistic’ On Frolov - Let the skeptical conversations begin!

• Trump Decides Winner For 'Celebrity Apprentice': Bret Michaels / Bret Michaels: I'm Ready To Party After Winning Celebrity Apprentice - Nice publicity stunt. Gary Coleman would disagree that a brain hemorrhage is smart career move, but you ride that wave, Bret.

• Father Tries To Auction Off Eight-Year-Old Son - Should have gone on eBay instead of a street corner. Though street corners don't need Paypal.

• Flood Of Frogs Shuts Down Major Greek Highway - Didn't we already have Passover? And isn't supposed to be in Egypt?

• Up In Smoke: Indonesian Child, Teen Smokers Rising / Two-Pack-A-Day Smoking Baby Totally Cooler Than You - See, Muslim fundamentalist countries do have their ideological shit together. It is the true way...to lung cancer.

• Suits With Custom iPad Pockets, For The Fanboy On The Go / iPad Dress Isn't Completely Mortifying - Bad enough to be an asshole wielding an iPad, but to wear special asshole clothes? We already saw the iPad, we know you're one.

• Australia Expels Israeli Diplomat Over Dubai Hit - Bummer. That's one of the cushiest jobs in the world. I guess everybody is going to be gunning for the Swedish consulate spot in Canada.

• Ecclestone Convoy Unwittingly Carries Illegal Immigrants - Way to go, Bernie. Too busy counting your piles of money and drinking champagne off model's asses to lock down your cargo?

• Two Dead After Collision With A Flatbed Trailer Carrying 17 Million Bees - Officially, the worst death ever.

• Perez Hilton: Christina Aguilera's Career Is Failing Miserably / Ellen DeGeneres Starts Own Record Label - The music industry is imploding, as determined by the most noise about music being made by two people that have no right and no reason to be associated with it at all.

• Something Sad And Depressing And Horrible That Has Vaguely To Do With Thundercats - If they find him - or parts of him, it won't be a happy ending. Yeah, it's that kind of story.

• Fixing Oil Spill My Responsibility, Obama Says - No, it's not. It's BP's. And all those greedy senators whose pockets are lined with their bribe dollars from authorization.

• A (Not So) Complete History Of Penis Tattoos - You don't want to look. But you're going to.

• North Korea Accuses South Of Faking Warship Sinking - No country wants to admit they killed 42 of their own sailors for no reason, so it makes perfect sense that they'd make it up and blame it on their neighbors. It only works for Koreans (sorry Iran!).

• Man Spends 24 Hours At Starbucks, Fails To Caffeine Overdose - I'm surprised he made it half the day with Jason Mraz playing on the speakers without being tranqued on dark roast.

Real Strokes

And just when I was planning on writing an obit in advance, Gary Coleman, "the adorable, pint-sized child star of the smash 1970s TV sitcom Diff'rent Strokes", died. It really is sad, but I'll still do my best to make light of his struggles, because that's what I do. At least he saw the finale of Lost...

Coleman died after suffering a brain hemorrhage, the result of a fall Wednesday at home where he hit his head. He was admitted to the hospital in critical condition. Yesterday, he fell unconscious and was place on life support, which he was taken off today. He was 42. And roughly 4'2".

"It's unfortunate. It's a sad day," said his former co-star Todd Bridges. "It's sad that I'm the last kid alive from the show." Wait, did Danny Cooksey die? No, but his career has been for years. And the former child stars of the cast have been plagued with trouble since the series ended. Dana Plato, who played the boys' white, teenage sister, committed suicide (overdose) in 1999. Bridges was tried and acquitted of attempted murder.

Coleman remained estranged from his parents, who said they learned about his hospitalization and death from media reports. In 1989, he sued his parents and former business adviser over misappropriation of his $3.8 million trust fund, eventually gaining a $1,280,000 ruling in 1993. The actor later filed for bankruptcy in 1999, attributing his financial problems to mismanagement. He spent subsequent years taking bit and cameo parts, and shilled a number of products and services. For a time he even worked as a security guard.

Adding to his bizarre life, Coleman was among 135 candidates who ran in California's 2003 recall election to replace then-Gov. Gray Davis, whom voters ousted in favor of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Coleman finished in eighth place with 12,488 votes (0.2%), just behind Hustler magazine publisher Larry Flynt. Legal disputes dogged him repeatedly, and in a 1993 television interview, he said he had twice tried to kill himself by overdosing on pills. He moved to Utah in fall 2005, and according to local officers, they were called to assist or intervene with Coleman more than 20 times in the following years. The responses included a call where Coleman said he had taken dozens of Oxycontin pills and wanted to die.

A little late, but here you go...

Dark Summer

Trailer Park Motivation

Rybot pointed out these Ricky-isms over at Sloshspot. Greasy stuff, I tell ya...

(PS. 3500 posts, if you're keeping track)

Old Vaginas Gone International

At the urging of Film Drunk, there's no mincing the beauty of Lindy West's review of the second (and hopefully final) installment of Sex And The City (I shudder at typing that). For most of us, this review will be infinitely more enjoyable than watching even a trailer for that film.

We've been thinking it for two long years. All of us. Gnawing our cheeks at night, clutching at sweaty sheets, our faces hollow and gray, our once-bright eyes dimmed by the pain of too many questions. Sometimes we cry out, en masse, to a faceless god and a cold, indifferent universe that holds its secrets close. What... rasps the death rattle of our collective sanity. What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones's 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!

Please don't die. The answer is... fine. Samantha's vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.

Sex and the City 2 makes Phyllis Schlafly look like Andrea Dworkin. Or that super-masculine version of Cynthia Nixon that Cynthia Nixon dates. Or, like, Ralph Nader (wait, bad example—Schlafly totally does look like Ralph Nader in a granny wig). SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it's my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress. Let us start with the "plot."

Carrie Bradshaw: At the end of the first SATC movie (2008)—after eleventy decades of chasing his emotionally abusive jowls through the streets of Manhattan—Carrie finally marries Mr. Big, the man of her shallow, self-obsessed dreams. It has now been two years since their nuptials. Carrie already hates it. She hates that he sits on the couch. She hates that he eats noodles out of a take-out box. She hates that he wants to spend quality time with her in their incredibly expensive and gaudy apartment. She hates that he bought her an enormous television. When Big suggests that they spend a couple of days a week in separate apartments (they own TWO apartments, because life is hard!), Carrie screeches, "Is this because I'm a bitch wife who nags you?" Congratulations. You have answered your own question.

Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child's incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.

Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. "How do the women without help do it?" Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. "I have no fucking idea," Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To "them." To the "women without help." "If I wasn't rich, I'd definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!" says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!

Samantha Jones: I told you we are never to speak of this.

In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi ("I've always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!"). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, "Oh, Toto—I don't think we're in Kansas anymore!" Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney's Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it's not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!

This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs "Lawrence of My-Labia." When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, "I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!" Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.

At sexism's funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.'s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they're just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!

If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.

Smaller And Cuter, But Still Going To Enslave Humanity

Boston Dynamics’ “Big Dog” robot will frighten the piss out of you, so it follows that the new Little Dog quadruped robot will make smaller squirts.

Little Dog, which is being developed at USC as part of Skynet Darpa’s robot locomotion initiative, can navigate uneven, rocky terrain, up stairs, and even across gaps. To top it off, that little robotic bastard is completely autonomous and learns how to navigate terrain better using sensors that measure joint angles, motor currents, body orientation, and ground contact. Little Dog can run nearly 30 minutes on one charge...so far.

Atlantis Sinks Into History

The space shuttle Atlantis returned home from its 32nd and final voyage today, ending the flight plans of the second oldest active ship in the fleet. Final flights for Discovery and Endeavour later this year will end the space shuttle program. Atlantis will stand by as a rescue ship for the very last shuttle flight, then head to a museum somewhere.

The shuttle came back "really, really clean," with just a couple of dings in its thermal shielding, said NASA officials who were out on the runway with crew and shuttle workers. Before the 2003 Columbia disaster, shuttles regularly landed with hundreds of nicks and even gouges, but redesigned fuel tanks took care of that problem (hence no more exploding shuttles). Launch manager Mike Moses noted how often NASA officials now describe a just-returned shuttle as one of the cleanest they'd ever seen. "That's actually the truth. Each one is just getting better and better," he said, not seeing the worthlessness of that statement with only a pair of flights remaining.

Atlantis — the fourth to fly in NASA's shuttle series — is ending its run after spending a total of 294 days in orbit and circling Earth 4,648 times. It has carried 189 astronauts and visited the International Space Station 11 times. It also flew seven times to Russia's old Mir station and once to the Hubble Space Telescope. The shuttle added another 4.8 million miles during its just-completed trip to the space station, for a grand total of 120,650,907 miles over its lifetime. The 120 millionth mile was logged shortly after midnight.

Some at NASA are holding out hope that Atlantis could make one more supply run to the space station next summer, provided no rescue mission is needed for Endeavour's flight, but it will cost around $200 million a month to keep the shuttle program operating beyond December. Once the shuttles retire for good, Americans will keep hitching rides to the space station on Russian rockets until U.S. private enterprise is able to take over - one of the goals set forth by President Obama earlier in the year. The new focus of the American space program is towards asteroids and Mars in the next few decades.

I Just Saved A Lot Of Money On Airfare

Fuck the Mayans - 2012 is going to be a big deal because that's the year Formula 1 returns to the US!

Austin, the Texas state capital and home to southern-fried hipsters, will stage the race through 2021 on a custom built track. Elderly human puppet and F1 scion Bernie Eccestone said, "For the first time in the history of Formula One in the United States, a world-class facility will be purpose-built to host the event. This...will be the first time a facility is constructed from the ground up specifically for Formula One in the US."

F1 has not been to the United States since 2007, when McLaren's Lewis Hamilton won the final Grand Prix to be staged at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Since then, they have been searching for an alternative location as teams, manufacturers and sponsors all want to open up one of the largest untapped markets. Cities such as Phoenix, Detroit, Las Vegas, Long Beach and Dallas have all hosted races over the years with varying degrees of success, and the last purpose-built road course to stage the race was the New york Watkins Glen track...in 1980. Indianapolis, where the United States Grand Prix was held for eight years, used part of the speedway together with a specially-built infield course.

All I can say is this is excellent news, especially after the USF1 meltdown, and may actually prompt a stateside team to emerge in the coming years.

More Gothic Or Lolita?

Just a few trailers about a young lady and her deadly umbrella.

Traffic Stopper

IBM is planning to pattent the "SYSTEM AND METHOD FOR CONTROLLING VEHICLE ENGINE RUNNING STATE AT BUSY INTERSECTIONS FOR INCREASED FUEL CONSUMPTION EFFICIENCY." Translated and bereft of caps lock, the device can stop your car dead in its tracks. If you don't beleive me, check out the patent application:

The present disclosure is directed to a method for managing engines in response to a traffic signal. The method may comprise establishing communications with participating vehicles; responding to a stop status indicated by the traffic signal, further comprising: receiving a position data from each participating vehicles; determining a queue of participating vehicles stopped at the traffic signal; determining a remaining duration of the stop status; sending a stop-engine notification to the list of participating vehicles stopped at the traffic signal when the remaining duration is greater than a threshold of time; responding to a proceed status indicated by the traffic signal, further comprising: sending a start-engine notification to a first vehicle in the queue; calculating an optimal time for an engine of a second vehicle in the queue to start; and sending the start-engine notification to the second vehicle at the optimal time.

I'm not into that. There's enough assholes on the road stopping my driving progress; I don't need traffic lights doing any more than they already are.

Cup Candidates

With their victory last night, the Philadelphia Flyers earned a berth to the Stanley Cup finals against the Chicago Blackhawks. Prepare for a (hopefully) gritty match up.

Chicago hasn't claimed the Cup since 1961, when there were only six NHL teams - and Philadelphia wasn't one of them. The Flyers are seeking their first title since back-to-back wins in 1974 and 1975, when the franchise was barely more than a few years old.

Philadelphia has had a hell of a playoff run, coming in as a 7-seed and just barely making the postseason with an overtime shootout victory in the final game of the year. Their 4-1 series victory over the equally improbable Cinderella Montreal Canadiens (8) was similar to the opening series against the New Jersey Devils (2), but their semi-final round against the Boston Bruins (6) was nothing short of inspired. First down 3-0, they made a comeback to force Game 7. Rallying from a 3-0 deficit in that game to win, Philly showed it has the strength to go deep into the playoffs.

Chicago (2) was more dominating in the West, handily dispatching Nashville (7) before returning the favor to Vancouver (3), the bastards who waylaid my beloved Kings. But what shows their mettle is the four-game sweep over top-seeded San Jose, who started the year favored to win it all, but had yet another meltdown.

There will be lots of drama when the two teams meet this Saturday, and not just because teeth are flying and faces are getting rearranged. We'll see:

• Is the Hossa curse still in effect?

• Which team's young stars will trump the other?

• Does touching the conference trophy bring bad luck?

• Who wins the heavyweight battle of Pronger vs. Byfuglien?

• Which team's shaky in-season goalie continues to be the dominant post-season success?

• Will the experts get their playoff predictions right?

I'm rooting for the 'Hawks, because Pronger was a dirty Duck, and I really don't want to see a shitbag like Dan Carcillo hoise the Cup. And they have babes.

And Then There Were Eight

Another casualty of the end of Lost? (Anybody who dies after today can be attributed to 24 or Law & Order)

Paul Gray, aka #2 or "The Pig", the bassist for the nine-man metal ensemble Slipknot, was found dead yesterday in an Iowa hotel room. Police said there were no signs of foul play, so that there is a bonafide, drug related OD. A hotel employee found Gray (38) dead in his room, where he had been staying for a couple of days. When I die, I hope it's not in a hotel room in Des Moines...

In 2003, Gray acknowledged that he was on drugs when his Porsche collided with another car that year in Des Moines. No one was seriously injured, and under a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped charges of possession of marijuana, cocaine and syringes. His physician at the time described discussions with Gray that were "very frank and open about his sporadic use of various drugs and of the long periods of abstinence in between."

Slipknot is on a yearlong hiatus, and most of the band's members grew up in the Des Moines area.

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

Yep, that's the real headline of the news article. Florida? You betcha!

Doctor Raymond Adamcik (54) was arrested on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, drug possession and trying to destroy evidence. And having a burrito in his pants. That's not a crime, but with the other charges, it's shameful.

The family physician was at On Tap bar as part of a pub-crawl with other medical professionals. It was a sort of costume party on a bus that would take them around from bar to bar. Everything was fine (if you consider a bar full of wasted doctors in costume) until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification." Adamcik was identified, the offending burrito in his boot. When he was taken to the police station, he tried to flush a joint hidden in his tights down the toilet.

It was a cheap $2,000 cash bail, but once he got out of jail, he still stopped to pose for pictures on the way out. It is unclear right now whether the doctor could lose his medical license if he's convicted. Adamcik was checking himself into a rehab program and taking a temporary leave from his medical practice.

That was three years ago, and there's been little info since then, but the story - and the photo, frame a moment in time that is perfect.

Catching Up With The Missus

Perhaps that Lost finale was a little too intense for some folks...

Simon Monjack, the bloated, greasy widower of actress Brittany Murphy was found dead last night at his home in the Hollywood Hills. Most likely it was a heart attack, but maybe things will get interesting and there'll be some drugs found in his system. While there was a massive outpouring of fondness for Murphy, Monjack quickly lost goodwill and was vilified as a negative influence in Murphy's last years. Not that he did much to stem the tide of popular opinion. When there's more, and there will be, I'll add on...

UPDATE: No new details, but I like what WWTDD had to say about it:

"This guy was 90 percent doughnut so cardiac arrest is a safe bet. But he was a real piece of shit so hopefully it was something worse than that. Like suicide, or even better Brittany's ghost came to visit him, and it was like Raiders of the Lost Ark where at first she was real pretty but then she turned into a monster and chased his fat ass around the house until he died."

I Could Watch This All Day

Lost Weekend

Monday morning you'll get not only the complaints, but the mass suicides that accompany tragic ends. Will Lost be any different than the other epic show endings? For sure they won't be answering six years worth of building questions, though the latter half of this season has been chipping away at some of the broader story lines. I look forward to the conclusion with equal parts excitement and sorrow. Unfortunately I'm left with even less to watch in an already bleak television landscape.

Best of the week: Man-made DNA has booted up a cell for the first time. Things are going to start getting strange. Maybe I need to start watching Fringe...

The feat itself is the culmination of two and a half years of tests and adjustments. Researchers at the J. Craig Venter Institute inserted artificial genetic material into cells that were then able to grow naturally. You want to have designer genes? Now you've got them. On a Friday in March, scientists inserted over 1 million base pairs of synthetic DNA into Mycoplasma capricolum cells before leaving for the weekend. When they returned on Monday, their cells had bloomed into colonies. And asked why they had to work on the weekend and the scientists didn't.

When it was announced in early 2008 they had assembled a synthetic Mycoplasma genitalium genome, their recent success was expected, but far sooner. Initially, the M. genitalium had an extremely slow growth rate, and slow results. And successful transplantation of the new DNA was failing, so they switched to Mycoplasma mycoides. Dipping costs to create the synthesis also accelerated the process.

Usable new genomes are still years off from being perfected, but this is the start of something huge.

Plus: American Apparel announced a $17.6 million loss for the first quarter of 2010, which could result in them defaulting on one of their loans. Is the end near for pseudo-pornographic clothing ads?

Company revenues were up almost 7% compared to the same period last year, but their operating loss was a lot bigger than the 2009 first quarter figures. Overall, the company is now more than $91 million in debt. Hey Dov, stop fondling the help and start running the company better. The manufacturer is trying to restructure the loan deal, but it's not sure it will be able to. "There can be no assurance that if either or both of these events were to take place, that the company would be able to obtain the additional sources of liquidity required to continue operations." Basically, they'll shut down without operational funds.

Realistically, they won't close because the brand is too big and too visible. But you can certainly expect new ownership to swoop in and pick up the company for a good value in return for covering the debt.

Also: Never mind that designer DNA of the future - right now they're working on fixing your biotech issues!

A team in France have implanted the first functional glucose biofuel cell in rats. The biofuel cell uses glucose and oxygen present in the body at all times Do you get it? Bio-batteries! Previous attempts failed because of the dangerously-acidic conditions needed for the cell, but by placing the electrodes and enzymes inside a dialysis bag, the the acidity stays inside but allows oxygen and glucose to flow through.

The biofuel cell would likely be used to power implanted medical devices like pacemakers, a goal similar to other in-development implantable power generators such as the ones using vibration and body heat. The maximum power achieved so far is 6.5 microwatts - and a pacemaker needs 10, but instead of having to open people up every ten years to replace the battery, this could have a significant result. And eventually power some other cool gizmos, like that camera eye or ear microphone recorder. And wait until you see the sex implants.

And: Both Shrek Forever After and MacGruber both open today, and one of them is not taking the box office competition lightly. Enter, Shrek Exposed, a new website that shows pictures of Shrek dressed as Hitler and masturbating to religious figures. I knew it!

Everyone knows that Shrek is a chronic masturbator, but do you know about his habit of masturbating on beloved public personalities, successful business people, and religious figures? I bet not. Shrek has been distributing images of himself ejaculating on photos of the Pope (pictured), Celine Dion, Buddha, the CEO of Home Depot, Rachel Ray, the CFO of Citigroup, and many, many more. Is nothing sacred to this disgusting ogre?

And I'm so sick and tired of the Shrek advertising onslaught, I don't mind what the marketing department kids are doing for MacGruber. Well played!

Best picture of the week:

they may not want to talk about it on The View, but Julie Bowen can breastfeed on this site whenever she wants

Best bonus links:

• Trail Of Blood Leads To 'Fight Club' - It better. How disappointing if it led to a plate of homemade cookies instead?

• First-Ever Sighting Of Jesus In A Lung - Praise the lung? At least they can't put it up on eBay and try to make a profit off it. People don't find the lord, they find his value.

• Blowgun Woman: I Like To Hear People Say 'Ouch' - One of the more obscure fetishes out there, but still illegal.

• The Top 10 Aqua Teen Hunger Force Moments Of The Decade - It may be past it's prime, but after 100 episodes and 10 years, there's still lots of laughs over that time.

• Man Accused Of Offering To Swap Baby For Beer - It was for two 40-ounce beers, if that helps you understand what was at stake.

• Shia LaBeouf: I 'Dropped The Ball' On 'Indiana Jones' Sequel - Everyone did. At least you have the balls to take some blame for it's massive suckatude.

• Inner-City Stabbing Leaves 5 Maidless - Somewhere, there are a lot of sad trophy wives.

• Teen Idol Justin Bieber Vs. Glass Door - The glass door wins! Damn it, someone get that video posted, stat!

• Pee-Wee Leaving The Playhouse For Broadway Stint - Not bad for a guy who's career was once railroaded on account of enjoying a film he was watching. How else does one watch porn?

• Sarah McLachlan Says Lilith Sales Pretty Soft - Is there a lesbian joke in there somewhere? Methinks yes!

• CBS Cancels Seven Series, Including Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs And Cold Case - One of the first broadcasting moves they've made that I can get behind.

• DWP To Fire 2 Workers Caught On Tape Apparently Drinking, Driving And Patronizing Strip Club - it's doesn't stand for department of wild partying, though they did give it an honest try

• U2's Bono Has Emergency Back Surgery In Germany - It was necessary after years of patting himself on it. He's lucky he didn't also break his arm trying to do it all those times.

• What It Looks Like When Shoggoths Invade Your Home - Worse than ants, termites, and even rodents are unwelcome Ancient Ones.

• Husband Bails From Moving Vehicle After Wife Refuses To 'Shut Up' - This would be my favorite story of the week if he was driving the car at the time.

• 49% Of California Voters Back Legalizing Pot, Poll Finds - The other 51% are worried that they won't be able to get the good shit anymore if they legalize it.

• Rocker Bret Michaels Back In Hospital After Suffering 'Warning Stroke' - All strokes are a warning. A warning you're going to die.

Worst of the week: Lindsay Lohan, public enemy #1.

Instead of completing the few remaining hours of community service and alcohol education classes for her probation, she thought it would be a better idea to got to Cannes and learn firsthand about alcohol. Which was a bad idea. With time running out, she had to face the facts - there were no flights available for her to take back on time because of the volcano situation in Iceland! Except there were.

On the eve of the date she had to return to America to go before the judge and prove she stuck to the terms of her probation, she was still in France, coming up with a more plausible excuse reason not to return. And then she found it - her passport was stolen! Brilliant! But did she go and apply for a new one? That would be a big no. What good would that do? Those "flights" are still all "unavailable"...

Naturally, a judge issued a warrant Thursday for her arrest after Lohan missed the mandatory hearing, but don't expect her to be arrested at the airport. They've conveniently set bail at $100,000. And it didn't seem to worry Lohan much either, who was partying halfway around the world as the paperwork was being filed, likely because she had received a "new" passport, though there's no record of her doing that.

And that arrest? Now that 10% of the bail has been paid, there won't be, because it counts the same as paying the full amount. Yeah, I don't get it either, but really, she's just the victim in all this. Lohan claims her father is behind the theft of her passport. Seriously. Like a Machiavellian genius, who happens to wear mesh shirts. Some would ask about a picture of her in Cannes just arm's reach from a fat line of coke, but you know the answer to that by now. You see, It's all part of a big conspiracy to frame her.

She's so amazingly stupid that there may need to be a new category of retardation created just for her. Can she just pull a Monroe and OD already?

Plus: The so-called autism diet, a gluten-free, casein-free eating plan, does not appear to improve the symptoms of children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Looks like Jenny McCarthy isn't going to get that spokeperson gig after all...

About one in 110 U.S. children has ASD, which includes classic autism as well as Asperger's syndrome and other forms marked by difficulties in social interaction and communication. Bowel problems are also common in ASD children. Also, let me point out that bowel problems are also common in other children.

The use of the so-called autism diet has become popular, but in the small group of children studied, researchers "did not see a demonstrable improvement". The new study results follow another report, concluding that 14 published studies of the gluten-free, casein-free diet did not find it useful.

I won't bore you with details, but the child subjects participated in intensive behavior intervention to make the group as similar as possible. All children were put on a strict gluten-free, casein-free diet before getting a snack once a week with either 20 grams of wheat flour, 20 grams of evaporated milk, both, or neither. This lasted for several months.

The autism diet has become popular based on a theory that some children have insufficient enzyme activity in their gastrointestinal tracts, resulting in incomplete digestion of casein, a protein found in milk and other dairy products, and gluten, a protein found in wheat, barley, and other grains. The incomplete breakdown is what leads to the symptoms, advocates of the dietary approach contend. But where's the tie to autism? Oh, I guess there isn't any link between autism and digestive problems.

Critics might point out that an 18-week study is not long enough to produce real change, adding, "Some parents would say six months to a year [is needed to notice changes]". But I say fuck them. They're just parents with kids that have autism, not scientists. They're just going to continue to deny it until they get the results they want.

Also: Previously unknown California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes has a grand idea for the state's male sex offenders. I'll give you a hint - if you currently live on Santa Rose Island, you're going to want to move.

Under his plan, male "convicted pedophiles" would have three choices: leave California forever, stay in prison for the rest of their lives, or move to self-sustaining "Pedophile Island." That's the catchy new moniker for Santa Rosa Island, part of Channel Islands National Park near Santa Barbara. According to Hughes, "The maintenance of Santa Rosa Island is a waste of taxpayer's money. Most of the visitors who go there are Park Rangers or environmentalists, not the general public." And who cares if they get molested?

Here's how it'll work:

The first of pedophiles to go to the island would be a lead team for "their society" such as police, fire personnel, judges, fish and game agents, forest rangers, ranchers, farmers, building contractors, surveyors, and the like to establish the "Island" community. This lead team will be responsible for creating a master plan for the "Island. The "Island's" master plan will include the construction of city hall, a medical facility, water department, police and fire departments, as well as provide for the farm, ranch and housing areas. All construction will be completed by the pedophiles assigned to the "Island".

The first order of business will be to establish temporary housing, the farm, and the ranch. The "Island" pedophiles will write their own "Island" constitution. The constitution will be reviewed for any improvements by a State of California department to be formed to oversee the "Island". This will all occur until enough pedophiles have moved to the "Island" making the "Island" community self-sufficient.

Life on the "Island" will include certain restrictions such as they may never leave the "Island", and they may never bring children to the "Island". If they don't want to live this way they should have left the state. However, once they choose the island that will be their home for the duration of their life.

While pedophiles are Hughes' foundation, there are other bizarre stances. Here he is on oil:

All oil sites must be in a "Ready" condition at all times and kept primed at all times. If we are cut off from the World Oil supply; we must be ready! All possible oil sites must be drilled and made ready. For this the land-owners should be given a percentage of the take. All land owners that will be affected by oil smells or unsightly wells with heavy traffic or pipelines, should be compensated.

And on drugs:

As Governor, I will enforce a program that gives addicts three choices:
1. To buy drugs from the state for ½ price of the street price.
2. Buy drugs from the street at full price.
3. Accept rehabilitation.

Wow, that really solves the problem...of finding drugs if you're a junkie. And his high-speed rail plan seems a little bit like this Chinese idea. And let's not kid ourselves about how whacked out China is. Hughes is really trying hard to make California look it's craziest.

And: Facebook's CEO came up with a way of predicting who any given user would be dating one week in the future. Data mining and privacy intrusion...just for fun!

According to The Facebook Effect, a new book about CEO Mark Zuckerberg, his teams would comb through user data and look for patterns:

As the service's engineers built more and more tools that could uncover such insights, Zuckerberg sometimes amused himself by conducting experiments. For instance, he concluded that by examining friend relationships and communications patterns he could determine with about 33 percent accuracy who a user was going to be in a relationship with a week from now. To deduce this he studied who was looking which profiles, who your friends were friends with, and who was newly single, among other indicators.

Once you get past the creepy voyeurism, look at the most evil implications, like targeted advertising opportunities. Do those flower delivery and restaurant ads seem more suspect now? Zuckerberg wants to advance the process, having already created an entire data science team to find interesting patterns. It's only a matter of time until others know you better than you know yourself...

Worst picture of the week:

typical rich asshole at Cannes

Worst bonus links:

• Charlie Sheen To Earn Nearly $2 Mil An Episode On 'Men' - And now they've ruined all that good will from cancelling those other programs. That's too much money to not be funny.

• Explosion At Turkish Coal Mine Traps 32 Workers - The only thing worse than a Turkish coal mine is a Turkish bathhouse.

• Courtney Love: I Had A Lesbian Fling With Kate Moss - Some things can not be unseen. Even if they're in your mind.

• Mercedes Decide Against Schumacher Appeal / F1 Safety Car Rules Amended - If Brundle said it looked legal, then that's good enough for me. I don't get why Mercedes isn't appealing, because the drop down to 12th was an unnecessary penalty. And clearly it's grey enough that they're immediately making a rules revision.

• I Liked Celebrities More Before Twitter - The biggest, overeacting bitchboy, ever. Quit your crying and shut up, sissy.

• Swingers' Case Tests Sexual Limits In China - Anything sexual tests China's limits. And most things non-sexual, too.

• Kate Hudson: I'm Comfortable With My Body's Imperfections - Unless they're her breasts, which is why she had that recent boob job.

• The Dead Weather Drops 2nd Abum In A Year - They could drop one a month and it still wouldn't be any good. Jack White should focus on quality, not quantity.

• Woman Sues Cell Phone Company After Her Husband Discovers Her Affair - Phone company to countersue her for being a stupid whore. And they're going to win.

• Report: Landis Admits Doping And Fingers Armstrong - Cheating and inappropriate touching? That's two no-no's.

• Arizona Official Threatens To Cut Off Electricity To L.A. In Retaliation For Boycott - You want us to get a third of out electricity from another state? I'm sure they'll be happy to oblige.

• Guitarist Falls Ill After Taking Viagra - More proof that shitty musicians with limp dicks can't handle their drugs.

• State Dinner Goes Smoothly, Despite Salahi Driveby - First they're crashing events, now they're doing drive-bys? They're hardcore!

• Kings Assistant Arrested On Sex-Abuse Charge In DC - Not quite the start of the off-season I was hoping for.

• Source: Jen Aniston Asked To Be Retouched On New Film - I think she should be retouched in everything she does with images of Diora Baird.

• Justin Bieber: I'm a Great Kisser - His preferred makeout spot: the Wal-Mart rest stop, he says. That's an actual part from the post, not my comic stylings.

• Wal-Mart Still Selling Miley Cyrus Cadmium Jewelry - Even without the toxic cadmium, it's still awful.