Spiked Arnold Palmer

Golf has a drug problem.

At least that's what Gary Player (no joke) wants you to think. The nine-time tournament champion urged golf organizations to start random testing, because he knows of one player using performance-enhancing drugs.

Not surprisingly, he stands alone in this claim. Heavyweights like Tiger Wood, Nick Faldo, and Phil Mickleson all expressed their doubts. "I don't think there's even a remote chance that will happen," Mickleson said of a golfer testing positive for steroids.

Player said he felt 50 to 60 percent of athletes in the world are using performance-enhancing drugs, but hen asked for a number of golfers, he estimated 10 were using. Nevermind the sharp percentage to numbers drop when holding up golfers, just know that Player believes that golfers are on the juice...and I think he's a moron.

Golf, which I continuously have to remind you is not a sport, will never feel the scandalous sting of steroid use. No golfer will ever shatter a longstanding record while being federally investigated for steroid use. No golfer will ever kill his wife and child before committing suicide and have almost 50 times the normal amount of steroids in them. And no golfer will test positive for steroid use and be in jeopardy of being stripped of their tour title. This is based on the fact that steroids can never play a factor in golf.

Most golfers are already using enhancing tonics, but it is mostly vitamins, anti-inflammatory balms, and other geriatric medicines. And when you see 13 year old Chinese girls qualifying for pro tournaments, the performance enhancing angle goes out the window. Not being remotely athletic or falling under consideration as an athlete, millions of golfers are old or out of shape (or both), yet still play several fine rounds of golf. The same goes for the pros. There's no seniors division in any other sport...what does that tell you?

The foolish notion that something that can be performance enhancing for activities that have little activity to enhance is taking it literally. Are NASCAR drivers next? Just look at any non-sport they're running on ESPN2 to see the stretch this is going to make. World Series Of Poker anyone? It's one thing to build muscle to run faster or knock a man down, but putting just doesn't make the grade.