There was a time that calling yourself a music video channel meant that you actually played music. I must have been taking a nap, but I woke up the other day and realized that VH1 has become the same as MTV -- music themed television.
Now, I'm not in preparation for hari-kari over it, but it does irk me that what constitutes programing is a slew of soft-reality shows based around C-list talent and nostalgic has-beens. The marketing aces over there call it their CelebReality block. I call it torture.
Spiralling downhill from the kitchy Surreal Life, where a houseful of celebrities from the past live together, the channel is a carnival-like collection of where-are-they-now types trying to find romance (Flavor Of Love, I Love New York), find help (Celebrity Fit Club, Breaking Bonaduce), or just plain find a few more minutes for their career (My Fair Brady, Hogan Knows Best). The latest, appalling programing is a double fisted beatdown of lameness -- Rock Of Love and Scott Baio Is 45 ... And Single!, both which premier this weekend.
Rock Of Love asks the long burning question, "Can 25 skanks culled from a cattle call of applicants be narrowed down to one candidate to receive two decades of road borne STDs?". Bret Michael's penis hopes so. The Poison singer sets of on his epic quest with the assistance of his tour manager and head of security, Big John -- I'm guessing that nickname is due to is size, not some kind of high test scoring, IQ basis.
"Characters", as the support snatch is being called, all seem to have been born by namesake to be contestants on a matchmaking show for a rocker in his 40s. Krista, Kristia, Lacey, Jessica, Jes, Tawny, Tiffany, Brandi C., and Brandi M. lead the cliche pack. As you could already figure out, an over-the-hill commodity such as Bret Michaels commands only the finest ladies from American metropolises like Newman, GA, Beckley, WV, Naperville, IL (who was kind enough to offer two of it's daughters), and Bountiful, UT. Here's a small sampling of some vital info these kind young ladies were willing to share:
Now, I'm not in preparation for hari-kari over it, but it does irk me that what constitutes programing is a slew of soft-reality shows based around C-list talent and nostalgic has-beens. The marketing aces over there call it their CelebReality block. I call it torture.
Spiralling downhill from the kitchy Surreal Life, where a houseful of celebrities from the past live together, the channel is a carnival-like collection of where-are-they-now types trying to find romance (Flavor Of Love, I Love New York), find help (Celebrity Fit Club, Breaking Bonaduce), or just plain find a few more minutes for their career (My Fair Brady, Hogan Knows Best). The latest, appalling programing is a double fisted beatdown of lameness -- Rock Of Love and Scott Baio Is 45 ... And Single!, both which premier this weekend.
Rock Of Love asks the long burning question, "Can 25 skanks culled from a cattle call of applicants be narrowed down to one candidate to receive two decades of road borne STDs?". Bret Michael's penis hopes so. The Poison singer sets of on his epic quest with the assistance of his tour manager and head of security, Big John -- I'm guessing that nickname is due to is size, not some kind of high test scoring, IQ basis.
"Characters", as the support snatch is being called, all seem to have been born by namesake to be contestants on a matchmaking show for a rocker in his 40s. Krista, Kristia, Lacey, Jessica, Jes, Tawny, Tiffany, Brandi C., and Brandi M. lead the cliche pack. As you could already figure out, an over-the-hill commodity such as Bret Michaels commands only the finest ladies from American metropolises like Newman, GA, Beckley, WV, Naperville, IL (who was kind enough to offer two of it's daughters), and Bountiful, UT. Here's a small sampling of some vital info these kind young ladies were willing to share:
- likes to be naked and wants to be in Playboy
- favorite garment: her Lynyrd Skynrd panties
- received "Boobs" as birthday gift from her parents
- can fit her fist in her mouth
- back is double jointed
- has 6 tattoos / has 4 tattoos and 9 piercings / has a lip piercing / a musical note tattooed on her lower back / has 8 piercings / has a heart tattoo on her shoulder / has too many tattoos to count
- sometimes wears a cowboy hat in bed
- bad at settling down and commitment
- has a 7 yr old son (naturally)
- has been in several catfights because women are always jealous of her
- was a dancer at Scores Las Vegas / was Miss Hooters of Illinois 2002 / currently a Go Go Dancer / is a waitress at Hooters / at a strip club for a month
- grew up in small farm town with 900 people and corn in her backyard
- could not survive if she couldn't shop
Maybe Bret would be better off jamming his dick into an electric pencil sharpener. Nah, these folks deserve each other
Scott Baio Is 45...And Single! doesn't sound like so much of a show as it is just a statement of fact. Beyond a turn as Bob Loblaw on Arrested Development (courtesy of Ron Howard, who also hooked up faded star Henry Winkler for several episodes), beyond being Chachi In Charge, Baio has been the modern day sexual Ellis Island for B-movie actresses and D-cup ladies. As this generation of young ladies hardly know who he is (and therefore won't fuck him), Baio embarks on a midlife crisis of awesome proportion. His first stop -- the VH1 program development offices.
Sometime afterward, they sent him to the highly regarded (by casting agents and focus groups) life coach Ali. For eight weeks, her mission will be to force him to confront a laundry list of his "most substantial and combustible" old flames. As they claim, it is in order to hopefully get to the heart of his lonely heart condition, but as I claim, it is to hear about what a phillandering dickbag he was from aging starlets. In either case, I am willing to put money that he'll cry once by the 4th episode.
Of course, episode after episode of reliving sex with Scott Baio by way of Heather Locklear and Nicolette Sheridan is hardly viewable, so his long-time pals have been enlisted to help sift through the wreckage of his past. I don't know who's lined up here, but I'm expecting Adam Rich and counting on Willie Ames. Baio wil also have to "endure an assortment of life-altering activities", which the clever devils at VH1 factor abstinence in as. Abstinence is just a fancy word for being unwilling to just settle for fucking anyone. Ultimately, we're supposed to believe that after all this, Baio will "earn the chance at actually maintaining a meaningful, stable, healthy relationship". Methinks he's earning a chance to comeback next season for more of the same.
I'm not psychic, but I am telling you not to get on these trainwrecks. I just saved your life. Twice.
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