Live Blog 2: Michael Bay's CGI Robots

And we're back, as promised, with a sequel to the original live blog (yes, posts get return treatment, too). As we all know, this new assjam of special effects, questionable plot elements, and illogical actions is just plain awful - and is still going to make a billion dollars. But let's just let the movie speak for itself in terms of how terrible it is.

00:55 - "Our worlds have met before", says Truckimus Prime, and we are treated to 'primitive' men (with modern touches like those absurdly large ear plugs) getting their assed handed to them by bad guy robots building a giant metal contraption almost 20,000 years ago. Funny, I don't recall archaeologists finding any remnants of that...ever.

02:24 - More exposition, explaining what we're watching - the humans U.S. Army and the Autobots formed a secret strike force to hunt and kill hidden Decepticons. Next stop - Shanghai!

02:46 - G.I. Joe says pretty much the same thing as the voiceover. Redundant? No, you're just a typical Michael Bay audience member who is too stupid to catch things when they're told to you the first time. The opening strains of a Linkin Park song play...maybe that'll help the mouthbreathers pay more attention.

03:34 - GMC ad placement.

04:16 - Hey! Hard Black Man is back too! And now we begin the confusion! And explosions!

04:47 - "Requesting fire mission, now!" That's military speak for...I don't know it's a bunch of made up bullshit.

05:31 - A second Decepticon is on the run, trying not to be brutally murdered by the Autobots for hiding and minding their own business, and they all crash through a building. Look, and old man eating noodles and a strummed guzheng! This wasn't filmed in Long Beach - we are in China!

06:56 - Truckimus Prime gets parachuted in to help. Instead of just showing up with the other seven Autobots that were there.

08:01 - Transformers...robot executioners with gunshots to the head, in disguise!

08:23 - Youngblood goes to college! And mom's off her lithium. A real tour de farce of acting.

09:40 - Dogs humping. Bay really knows how to balance out the action and comedy elements.

10:05 - Hottie returns as well! And the most improbable angle to airbrush a motorcycle - laying on it with your ass sticking up. First Green Day song of the film playing too. Megan Fox ass + dull pop punk music = movie for 14 year old boys! A.K.A. half this movie's demographic.

11:56 - Youngblood finds a shard of the Allspark in his old hoodie. Besides zapping him so he sees Wingdings font, it burns a hole through his floor and ends up making everyday appliances turn into transforming robots. Of course.

12:15 - Cut to: dogs humping, outside. And now cut back to stupid looking mini-appliance robots.
14:44 - Thanks to the government, all the house damage from that robot fight will be taken care of...as long as they stay quiet about the secret robot aliens! Thanks for reminding us that it's national security *wink wink*.

15:25 - Youndblood tells his retarded carbot Mumblebee he can't come with to college, while Hottie peels off her biker leathers to change into a white dress and gathers a bouquet of flowers. For no reason.

16:22 - State Farm ad placement. In a line of dialogue no less. Fuck, that's brazen.

18:44 - The Minstrel Twins, Heckle And Jeckle, upgrade to...Chevy concept cars. Are they saying that blacks are being courted to buy fluorescent pink and green cars, or that they have no taste in vehicles?

20:03 - A Decepticon tentacle rapes a satellite, and like me also has to observe four minutes of clunky conversation as Jerk Bureaucrat questions everything and gives away top secret info for the sake of creating more scenes for robots to blow shit up. C'mon, somebody had to discuss that stuff...it's not like super alien machines would also have the technology to hack government databases or find out that info any other way.

24:45 - Another Green Day song, so you can buy the soundtrack!

26.00 - Youngblood meets his roommate, the already annoying, just-Hispanic-enough-to-woo-another-market-demo-yet-not-scary techie nerd. Ladies and gents, enter Az-Tech. And he has a conspiracy website about...wait for it...giant alien robots! You don't say!?! How are they gonna work that out?

27:57 - Mom is eating pot brownies that she bought on campus. Even if this was UC Santa Cruz, I wouldn't believe it. Let's spend a few minutes watching her ramble in a drug-induced frenzy and have everybody chase her.

30:18 - A robot-cat shot to Earth from space drops off thousands of marble sized Transformers into the high security base where they're keeping another piece of Allspark. It's a highly complicated but they make it work.

32:29 - Since when did frat parties get lighting rigs big enough to be a rap video?

32:55 - More fucking Green Day.

34:29 - Mumblebee shows up, and the Shifty Ho from the dorms tries to get a piece of Youngblood. Good thing his car has an anti-skank device built in. Also, the first amusing thing in the movie:

Frat Douche #1: Yo, freshman...is that your car in our bushes?

Youngblood: "No it's a frend of mine's...he just went to get you a tighter shirt."

Frat Douche #2 "There isn't a tighter shirt. We checked."

37:44 - Youngblood disses Truckimus Prime, who needs him "more than you know". Sorry, but the boy wants to get his college on, not get faggy with a bunch of intergalactic robots.

38:18 - Volvo ad placement. And a whole bunch of construction vehicles transform and jump off a cargo ship to recover the corpse of Megatron. No, of course nobody saw them do it. And don't ask why they dropped his corpse at the bottom of the ocean istead of dismantle and study him. The government would never do that.

41:22 - Resurected Megatron flies back to Cybertron, which looks like a leftover from The Matrix, so talk to his boss The Fallen. The production design on this movie blows. At least we're treated to more exposition to advance the story about things we know. And get unexplaned nuggets from The Fallen like "only a Prime can defeat me". Why? Because he says so.

43:35 - So Dwight teaches Astronomy 101 when he's not at The Office?

46:29 - The evil R/C truck, which is basically Joe Pescibot, tries to get the Allspark sliver that Hottie was holding for Youngblood, who is now seeing Wingdings everywhere. Um, they already got one of those for Megatron...guess you didn't read your Decepti-email.

47:54 - Southwest Airlines ad placement.

50:11 - Youngblood finds out Shifty Ho has a cyber-tail that comes out her panties. And a cyber-lasso tongue. Most times, you create a slutty robot to attend college classes and stick her in the same dorm and don't really know what will become of it. Kudos to the bad guys for having such an elaborate plan, and actually getting to use it. And kudos to the script supervisor and costume department for Az-Tech mainfesting a hoodie after showing up to his room without one...or never going inside to get it.

51:55 - Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie run and hide from Shifty Robo-Ho in the campus library, which disorients the audience more. Anyone voluntarily seeing this movie has not been in a room full of books before. At least Michael Bay makes Youngblood do his impression of Bad Boys II Martin Laurence to Hottie's Will Smith. I know he does the same shit in every film (360 degree circular shots, helicopters at sunset, gratuitous slo-motion scenes of soldiers), but now he's even reusing characters?

54:47 - The car Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie were in was just:

1) picked up by a helicopter

2) flown to an abandoned warehouse where it was dropped through the roof

3) crashed front end first into the concrete below, and rolled upside down

4) cut in half with a giant spinning saw blade

Don't worry, everybody's okay.

56:20 - More stupid critter-bots, including one that plays doctor and talks like Col. Clink, rip off The Matrix with inner body probing, and lets us know the Wingdings in Youndblood's head can lead to an energon source.

57:20 - Robots fighting in a warehouse. Nothing like five-story machines effortlessly doing front and back flips while shooting at each other. And orchestral Linkin Park!

58:46 - Robots fighting in a forest. Just because it's outdoors doesn't make it any less confusing. Like how a tractor trailer truck and all the bad guys can get there, but none of the other good robots can...

1:00:26 - Michael Bay to his critics via Truckimus Prime: "I'll take you all on!" He is impervious to anyone telling him how shitty his films are.

1:01:00 - Truckimus Prime rips a Decepticons face in half. He really like killing his enemies in the face. Little does he know he'll die in a minute.

1:04:43 - Time for some French stereotypes...a mime and escargot. Thanks for letting us know how Youngblood's parent's vacation in Paris was going.

1:05:12 - Shit crashes to Earth from outer space. Aircraft carriers and cites go boom. The Fallen broadcasts from a super power source antenna on the top of a building in New York (that I'm sure is really there too) a threat to destroy the planet if they don't turn over Youngblood. And the things the media say are as insultingly dumb as they are quixotic:

• "The military has just told us they have assumed Condition Delta, which is the highest level we have been at since 9/11" - which is what?

• "President Obama is being flown to a bunker somewhere in the middle of the United States" - sure, broadcast that.

• "the worst simultaneous attacks ever around the globe" yet they only have "worldwide casualties in the neighborhood of 7000." Really unimpressive too if that include the 5,700 or so member crew (yes, that's how many people are on them - I checked) of the carrier that went "down off the east coast - all hands lost". Assholes, look up some facts and think before you write this awful nonsense...

Big plugs for CNN, too.

1:09:00 - A moment with the Minstrel Twins, complete with gold buck tooth, cap-poppin' slang racist stereotypes and Az-Tech, competing to be the character you hope dies soonest.

1:09:43 - We all laughed in the theater when the helicopter carrying Truckimus Prime's body dropped him from 30 feet up onto the army base tarmac. It's still unintentionally funny now. Or Bay really is a genius.

1:10:25 - Jerk Bureaucrat is gonna shut down the Autobot-Army special team? Who didn't see that coming? "This is our war now, and we will win it like we always have...with a coordinated military strategy." America, fuck yeah!

01:11:07 - Some English guy gets his one line for the film. Understand they went through a casting process, fitted some guy for wardrobe, and had to set up camera and lighting for this one shot for his one line. Matthew Marsden, this is your big moment! Revel in so much ado about nothing.

01:11:27 - "I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole." Hard Black Man, it's like you're reading my mind, about every character and performance in this film. Including yours.

01:13:18 - No Youngblood, don't give yourself up to The Fallen over guilt that Truckimus Prime is dead. Ask the Minstrel Twins to decypher the Wingdings, unless...they're illiterate? Wow, why did they stop short and not say how much they liked grape soda and fried chicken? At least they're going to find somebody who can read the glyphs.

01:13:50 - Yes! More Linkin Park!

01:15:04 - And the guy who'll crack the Cybertronian symbols is...John Turturro? I guess his contract explicitly states he will not appear in the first hour of this film either. From Barton Fink to this...sad.

01:16:20 - Doesn't every meat locket have a secret trap door that leads to an underground vault with truckloads of stolen government files and property? No, well then you really won't believe that even in 2009, nobody has figured out that there's a bunch of Wingdings on ancient structures around the world.

01:19:01 - Joe Pescibot knows where a bunch of old transformers are who can read Wingdings. Hooray!

01:20:49 - Az-Tech tazers himself. Because there had to be some way to fuck up the simplistic task of taking out the only two guards at the Smithsonian. Good thing there's no security cameras there, or it would be a lot harder!

01:21:25 - Air France ad placement.

01:22:14 - Youngblood uses his shard of Allspark to reanimate a stealth bomber that is a cane-using Old English Decepticon, so it can get the Wingdings translated to find the energon that - wait, why didn't they just use it to bring Truckimus Prime back and ask him?

01:23:09 - I don't remember there being a giant aircraft graveyard behind the Smithsonian. Must be the other Smithsonian not in Washington D.C.

01:24:11 - Joe Pescibot humping Hottie's leg. And there's still an hour left.

01:24:50 - Old English farts explosions. And parachutes.

01:25:49 - And can teleport. To Egypt. "Begining, middle, end. Facts, details...condensed. Plot...tell it." That's what I was thinking, and a character just demanded it. If one of them says, "This movie sucks," next, I'm going to get freaked out.

01:27:50 - Proof that you can't give some rambling exposition after 90 minute of film and hope to make any sense of it:

So there was a great battle millenia ago, that conveniently, left no traces behind for humans to find, over the retardedly named Matrix Of Leadership (huh?), which is the key to turn on a hidden machine that harvests energon was built. The machine works by blowing up the sun, and The Fallen was the black sheep of the Primes who wanted to turn it on, which goes against the Prime's golden rule. The remaining Prime family hid the Matrix Of Stupidity Leadership by making a tomb...WITH THEIR OWN BODIES! Smart thinking.

Or not. The alien robots, in order to protect Earth, hid the Matrix on the planet...yep, sounds better than, say, anywhere else in galaxy! At least they pointlessly made a tomb of their own bodies rather than stay alive to protect the Matrix. that's far easier than just killing the Fallen. Besides, it's not like they need energon to survive and the Matrix was the key to power the machines. Oh wait, they do. No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.

01:29:09 - So now, they're all gonna find the machine and the Matrix to possibly resurect Truckimus Prime so he can defeat The Fallen. Good plan. Now just call the military and get them to fly over Trucky's corpse.

01:36:21 - From Egypt to Jordan, and we're still looking for the secret hiding place of the Matrix. Yawn. I will also point out nothing has exploded in at least 10 minutes.

01:38:05 - Oh, how rich. G.I. Joe tricked Jerk Buereucrat to parachute out of their plane. Problem solved!

01:40:15 - Thanks to the Minstrel Twins grab-assing, they find the anti-clamactic tomb of Primes and the Matrix, which instantly turns to dust. Hmmm. Well, gather that Matrix dust so you can sprinkle it on Truckimus. He's just four clicks away with G.I. Joe and the rest of the co-op stike team. Follow the flare they shot. you too, Decepticons.

01:45:09 - Az-Tech gets tazered again for being a loud, whining bitch. I'd watch two hour of him getting stunned no problem.

01:46:38 - An EMP burst is fired on G.I. Joe and crew. Neither the Decepticon nor any of the other robots within the four kilometers are effected. Must be one of those radio-only EMPs.

01:48:09 - Satellites are knocked out too. All the robots are still fine.

01:50:06 - "This ain't good." I know Hard Black Man. We all know. Thus begins a half hour of impossible chaos and fighting between robots and people and other robots.

01:54:59 - What could be up to 17 different construction vehicles have turned into a giant sand-sifting machine, trying to suck The Minstrel Twins, Az-Tech, and John Turturro into it.

01:57:25 - Youngblood's parents also arrive for the fracas. Just because you and your evil robots know where Youngblood is doesn't mean you should abandon your plan to kidnap his parents into getting him to drawing him out...from where you know he is.

01:59:19 - Mumblebee kills the robot-cat by pulling it's spine out, tail first.

02:01:27 - The Jordanian Air Force, what little they had, get's hosed. Sorry, Omar, the only heroes in this movie are are robots and Americans!

02:02:07 - "Commence Operation:Firestorm! This is Warlord: Roll in strike package Alpha! Task Force Ripper, execute launching!"

02:03:16 - The Constructoclusterfuckbot is scaling a pyramid. Only John Turturro can keep it from turning on the machine and destroying the planet, because he just said so. Out loud to himself. What's it going to do, hotwire it without the Matrix?

02:03:29 - Improving on calling G.I. Joe on his cell phone from a desert pay phone, Turturro uses a walkie talkie to contact a naval aircraft carrier miles away. Really.

02:05:00 - Who is "clear to drop a 2000 ton" what? Even with your quick cuts and sound effects over the dialogue, I can still hear your silly, impossible bullshit.

02:06:05 - Hottie has been running through explosions, climbing over debris, and rolling around in the sand. Yet her white pants are still nice and clean.

02:07:56 - Old English shows up! And a tunneling robot from the first movie!

02:08:28 - Constructoclusterfuckbot has two giant wrecking balls as balls. Turturro sums up the whole movie "I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

02:08:57 - They use a secret, classified railgun on a naval ship to destroy the Constructoclusterfuckbot. Nice shot.

02:10:44 - Oops, they killed Youngblood. And he goes to...robot heaven? This is the last fucking straw Orci & Kurtzman, you goddamn hack writers.

02:13:43 - Resurected Youngblood uses the magically reformed Matrix to resurect Truckimus Prime. And then The Fallen takes it out of him 39 seconds later. Now Prime is immobilized and dead again.

02:15:15 - The Fallen has the power of the Force and can make everything levitate with a wave of his staff.

02:16:06 - Old English gives Truckimus his robot heart and parts to become some dumb looking hybrid. Enter Truckimus Jet!

02:16:44 - Truckimus Jet just destroyed the machine with one shot and tackled The Fallen off the pyramid. And shot Megatron in the face. What is it with the face?

02:20:09 - The good guys win. Everybody is okay. Cue the Linkin Park...


Confusing and hard to follow? You bet! Here's Rob at Topless Robot with an attempt to clarify...

So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.

Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.

Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Mumblebee to play when Youngblood says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.

Why can't Mumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Mumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.

Why does Youngblood's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, she was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (their son was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.

A lot was made of how Youngblood's real life hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes he had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.

That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."

Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.

What is the point of the character of Youngblood's college roommate Az-Tech, and why the fuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Youngblood to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Old English anyways. It's all extraneous.

Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Constructoclusterfuckbot's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because FUCK YOU, that's why.

Can you explain Hottie's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.

If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When FIVE Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks FIVE "subjects" going down, and when they get there, ONE of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5-1+1=5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "SIX" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."

His review is here, and it is worth reading.

Season 2 Chapter 7

This may be a little scary for a Monday morning, but celebutant Lauren Conrad is best-selling author. As in #1 the New York Times Best Seller list for two weeks in a row.

Here are your options: you can pay $10.79 for her piece of shit story, "L.A. Candy.", which *shock!*, follows 19-year-old Jane, who moves to Hollywood to start an internship and winds up becoming one of the town's hottest reality stars - or, you can read FOR FREE the always unpredictable, ever-changing weekly serial that is His Words - Not Mine.

This should not be a tough choice for you.

...And One Shall Come Forth To Lead Them

Ich Do Think So This Weekend

Best of the week: I recently watched a few episodes of Da Ali G Show that aired about six years ago, and they're still hilarious. Scarlett and I are going to Brüno tonight, and while she knows the Borat movie, she had to see the genesis for the characters and the show. The film is enjoying fairly positive reviews and could be one of the highest grossing openings for a comedy if the midnight show tracking holds. Brüno has been everywhere lately, and while there's been a lot of hype, his appearances and publicity have been pretty comical.

I was thinking about some of the comedic shows over the last decade that will hold up in the years to come, and there's not a lot - but those who do are genius. Mr. Show. Upright Citizen's Brigade. Arrested Development. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. They are groundbreaking and in a league of their own. South Park does deserve mention, but it's kinda in it's own category, especially because the animation aspect allows them more latitude. Even the worst five minutes of those programs is funnier than any whole season of Two And A Half Men.

Worst of the week: OMG!

In the world of the useless, this site has quickly risen to the top. Once a knock off of the People / Star / Us online sites with a curiously similar logo to an established celeb gossip page, just this week it's been cited as the king of entertainment news sites. In May, with it's hits alone it generated close to $3.2 million in ad revenue. And for what? Here's the type of drivel you'll find there:

Daniel Radcliffe Now Open To Dating Girls His Own Age
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince star Daniel Radcliffe says he's now open to dating girls closer to his own age - and he's excited about all his new romantic prospects.

"I've been out with a couple of women who have been older than me," Daniel told People at Tuesday's world premiere of the next "Potter" movie. "I think it's the maturity thing more than anything else, but that was when I was younger - girls my age are now mature, so it's great."

And the young star appears to be thrilled with his newly realized potential dating field. Adding, "I've widened the field!"

Daniel's co-star, Jessie Cave, who plays Lavender Brown in "The Half-Blood Prince," said his love of the written word could be an endearing quality when it comes to dating.

"Daniel loves poetry, it's definitely a passion of his," she told the mag, "and I think he would suit that sort of poet lifestyle, he's very dramatic and witty and very, very clever."

What's missing? Some key ingredient that could give the story any relevance? Did you figure it out yet? How about...WHAT HIS FUCKING AGE? And what have we learned without that? Nothing. It is just like the terrible LA Daily News, which Famous Mom similarly pointed out that there was an article about a great restaurant in the Valley, and after all the praise and testimonials about the place, they left out the simple yet most important detail - the goddamn address.

Then there's this awful nugget:

Fate Of Fans' Flowers, Cards For Jackson Undecided
Since Michael Jackson died June 25, fans from around the world have expressed their grief in flowers, balloons, teddy bears, candles, pictures and handwritten notes left throughout the city at his rented Holmby Hills mansion, at the Jackson family home in Encino, at his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and at his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara County.

Now that the King of Pop has been memorialized publicly and privately, some say it's time to start clearing the mementos away. The family has yet to decide what to do with the keepsakes.

Just as the sun was rising, city workers began packing up flowers, cards and gifts left on Jackson's star on Hollywood Boulevard. By afternoon, they had filled five boxes, which they delivered to the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for safe keeping. Chamber spokeswoman Ana Martinez-Holler said she has never seen so many mementos left for a fallen star. "This has never happened at this magnitude," she said. "We didn't want to throw things away. This was a tribute paid to Michael by his fans. We just want to know if the family wants them and we're hoping to hear back from them soon."

Fans continued to contribute to the makeshift memorials outside the family compound and Neverland Ranch on Wednesday. Sandra Darvish, 42, was moved by Tuesday's televised memorial to pay respects in person at the family's home. As she left a bouquet of tulips, the official export from her homeland of Holland, Darvish said she wasn't always a Jackson fan. "But after yesterday, I sort of understood the family," she said. "It was very touching." While she and others added to the collection of flowers, balloons, posters and flags from around the world in front of the home, a groundskeeper piled up the mementos to give to the family. Dead flowers peeked out from one of eight black plastic trash bags sitting nearby.

Anjanette Butler, who went to Encino from Ventura, said she hoped the family would keep fans' cards and letters for Jackson's children. "Maybe they can show it to the kids to show how much everyone loved Michael," the 32-year-old Butler said. "It was their father, not this whole icon." Sisters Tanya and Yolanda Vasquez, who left a colorful bouquet of flowers, were sad to see the keepsakes being cleared. "They're taking them down and it's kind of upsetting," said Tonya Vasquez, 23. "I think we should still be able to leave stuff." Her 27-year-old sister suggested that the family might take the mementos to Neverland as part of a permanent display.

While I've excerpted it, know that somebody was paid to, and wrote 658 words about the plants and junk that folks left behind for Michael Jackson. I have to think the same unemployed lunatics - and that's what they have to be if they are taking day trips to the various addresses Jackson lived - are the prime audience for this presentation of a non-story. The three sentences I highlighted there can be condensed into one line that could be inserted into any story about Jackson - "Shit is still amassing from overzealous fans, who have little regard beyond the self-important scope of their actions, as officials have no idea if even the family wants any of the crap." The end.

Their "we just like to tell the happy view on what's going on in the entertainment world" perspective is a plastic, glossy load of shit. And that is which isn't important enough to merit a chiliad of words is uselessly presented in galleries. Do you even care to see a picture of Tori Spelling getting a cheeseburger? Not even if it was a specialty sex act in Amsterdam. The only half interesting thing about any of it is the accidental humor dark bastards like me attach.

Fuck that website. With Samantha Ronson's nasty dick.

Runner Up: Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas)

Hoping to ingratiate herself further with the Jackson family and harness public adulation from his death, Lee managed to get a spot at the Jackson Memorial Circus and was waiving a framed copy of her congressional resolution honoring the entertainer on stage.

Thankfully, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shut the door to the resolution because debate on the symbolic measure could raise "contrary views" about the pop star's life. Also, it's a huge waste of time. Surely you all recall from your civics classes that lawmakers are free to use House speeches "to express their sympathy or their praise any time that they wish," but are there not more important things to deal with?

Even before Pelosi's comments, some Democrats said privately they did not support the resolution and a divisive debate would hurt House efforts to muster the votes for priorities such as health care and climate change. Rep. Peter King (R-N.Y.), who posted a video on YouTube calling Michael Jackson a "pervert" and a "pedophile," has pledged to do all he could to block the resolution.

Unbowed (which means stubbornly), Lee said she will seek support from colleagues. Whichever ones want to tarnish their careers. When members of the Congressional Black Caucus held a moment of silence in the House after Jackson died June 25, some lawmakers walked out of the chamber. Lee has pledged that the resolution, before the House Foreign Affairs Committee where she is a member, would come to the full House for debate. Good thing it wasn't a campaign promise, because she'll be waiting a long time to see that one hit the floor. And yes, that's the same House Foreign Affairs Committee which should be focusing on little things like the coup in Honduras, the nuclear escalation of North Korea, the Taliban in Afghanistan, Iranian "elections", and the American pulloutback in Iraq . And apparently, honoring Michael Jackson.

The Bulls Win One

Like Christmas coming once a year, so too do I look forward to Pampalona's Thinning Of The Herd San Fermin Festival. And this year, the payoff!

Unlike previous coverage (here, here, and here), I can finally, proudly report that a foolhardy daredevil lost the epic battle between giant rampaging beast and moron. A charging bull gored a young Spanish man to death, the first such fatality in nearly 15 years. Nine others were injured in a particularly dangerous and chaotic chapter (aren't they all?) of the running of the bulls.

Pamplona officials identified the man as Daniel Jimeno Romero (27), who was on vacation with his parents and girlfriend, who identified him. The San Fermin festival Web site said Romero was gored in the neck and lung during a run in which a rogue bull named Capuchino separated from the pack, which is among the worst things that can happen at Spain's most popular fiesta. They say that isolated bulls are more likely to get disoriented and start charging at people, though I don't see much difference between being in the cross hairs of one bull or having a whole pack bearing down on you.

Amateur video broadcast by Spanish TV showed Romero trotting backwards, facing the oncoming bull, when he tripped over other runners and fell down. The Spaniard then tried to squeeze feet-first under a wooden fence serving as a protective barrier, when the bull came up up and gored him in the neck with its right horn. Romero instantly bled (profusely, I might add), lying face up as medics tried to save him. Three other people were gored during the run, and six people suffered bumps, bruises and other lesser injuries.

Among the injured was a 61-year-old American (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!) who was struck in the chest and had internal bleeding in his lungs. Doctors said he was in intensive care but that his condition was not considered life-threatening, although his low level of intelligence could prove to be. The man was identified by his initials, E.P.S., but his full name was not released...so if you know a particularly dim, older guy by E.P.S., get to a florist. Also injured in the run was a 20-year-old from London, and a 24-year-old Argentine. Another American (U.S.A.! U.S.A.!), a 63-year-old identified by the initials K.L., injured an elbow. Hmmm, maybe old Americans shouldn't do the run.

The festival ends Tuesday, and there was no indication that the remaining bull runs would be canceled because of the death. Friday's death raises to 15 the toll since record-keeping began in 1924. This run, the fourth of eight, was by far the most perilous of this year's festival. The bulls used in from a ranch called Jandilla, have a reputation for being fierce at San Fermin. They hold the record for the most gorings in a single run — eight, one day in 2004. The bulls used in the runs face matadors and almost certain death the same afternoon in the Pamplona bullring, so at least they can feel good about taking out a person before getting slaughtered.

Destino

Dali vs. Disney, finally seeing release in 2010.

Don't Think, Just React

If you're an idiot, take comfort that there are folks out there dumber than you.

Lisa Kantorski took the call from the person who claimed to be a front-desk clerk about a gas leak in their hotel room near Orlando International Airport. She frantically relayed the information to her husband, Mark, an Indian River County deputy. He followed the caller’s instructions … and smashed the window of his room with a toilet tank.

“When I broke the window, I got suspicious,” Mark said. “It didn’t seem right, but she [Lisa] was panicking, so I continued.”

The Kantorskis had no idea they were the latest victims of a prankster — or pranksters — whose tricks are popping up across the nation. The unknown antagonists dupe folks people into doing outrageous things, including driving trucks through storefronts and breaking hotel windows to test fire alarms. With Lisa clutching their three kids (instead of just leaving the room?), Mark listened to the caller as he barked out more instructions:

Break the mirror on the wall. Check.

Use the lamp to bash in the wall to get to the trapped man on the other side. OK.

Throw the mattress out the window and jump for safety. Out the mattress went.

Room 204 of the Hilton Garden Inn on South Semoran Boulevard was a shambles.

“I’m not one to argue much with her,” Mark said. “When you slow down everything, the situation was kind of odd.”

The Kantorskis never got the chance to jump (sadly for us, who whould have had benifited from a now stronger human gene pool). Hilton Garden Inn manager Samir Patel appeared at the door to address a noise complaint, and broke the news to the Kantorskis: There was no gas leak. When police officers arrived, Patel said he recently received a memo from his corporate office warning about “dangerous pranks” pulled at hotels in other states. Police don’t know who called the Kantorskis, who were not arrested “because he was responding to what he believed to be an emergency,” said a police spokeswoman.

The incident follows others from across the country:

•In Arkansas, a caller posing as a sprinkler-company employee persuaded a motel employee to do more than $50,000 in damage to a motel as part of a "test" of the motel's emergency alarms.

•At a Comfort Suites in Daphne, Ala., a caller ordered a guest to turn on the sprinklers for a fire that wasn't. The result: more than $10,000 in damage.

•In Nebraska, a Hampton Inn employee was convinced by a caller to pull the fire alarm, later telling him the only way to silence the alarm was by breaking the lobby windows. The employee enlisted the help of a nearby trucker, who drove his rig through the front door.

The Nebraska incident appears to be memorialized online by PrankNET. Videos posted by PrankNET record an incident nearly identical to the one pulled on the Kantorskis.

"We cannot even access the upper levels until you break out the window to make a negative air flow. ... We're going to have to ask you to break the window. Don't worry; we're moving you into a different room," a male prankster tells the obedient hotel guests.

Well, you may wanna have someone look into them, in case checking phone records becomes too difficult...

Surf's Up

A little slice of history for you kids, on a slowish day / week of stories...

The tallest wave ever recorded — splashing nearly 500 feet taller than the Empire State Building — exploded down Lituya Bay in the Gulf of Alaska on this date in 1958, and proves that Sarah Palin is not the only disaster to hit the state from seamingly out of the blue.

Lituya Bay is a T-shaped fjord on the coast of the Alaskan Panhandle, west of Glacier Bay and about 120 miles west-northwest of Juneau. It measures 7 miles long by 2 miles at its widest point and has a narrow mouth (roughly 1,600 feet wide) that makes navigation difficult during high tides. Once inside, however, vessels (mostly fishing boats) find a snug anchorage among the coves lining the shore. Water from three glaciers empties into Lituya Bay, which is over 700 feet deep in places.

This topography was a major ingredient in the formation of the tsunami. (Or, more informally, megatsunami, a word used to describe a wave in excess of 328 feet). The trigger, however, was a massive landslide at the head of Lituya Bay, caused by an earthquake that may have been as powerful as the one that helped destroy San Francisco in 1906. About 40 million cubic yards of rock — some of it falling from a height of 3,000 feet — plunged down the face of Lituya Glacier into Gilbert Inlet at the northern end of the bay.

Sudden water displacement created a wave that shot seaward from the land, and that was certainly a factor in what followed. But similar occurrences in Norway, where fjords are plentiful, never produced a wave remotely close to the size of this one.

The wave generated at Lituya Bay that night measured an astounding 1,720 feet tall. How a wave could have reached such a height remains speculative, but scientists studying the aftermath observed that a subglacial lake behind Lituya Glacier had dropped 100 feet in depth. The likeliest explanation for that is the missing water broke through fissures caused by the quake and reached the fjord, adding to the pressure. But even with this factor accounted for, geologists don’t believe that alone would have been enough to create such an enormous wave. A precise explanation has never been offered.

Incredibly, several eyewitnesses on the bay at the time the tsunami struck, lived to tell the tale. (Two did not. They were killed when the wave sank their fishing boat near the mouth of the bay.) The wave’s force leveled all the trees and stripped the vegetation along both shorelines — up to 1,720 feet above sea level near the glacier at the head of the fjord (middle left in the photo). At the mouth , La Chaussee Spit and Harbor Point were completely denuded by the raging tsunami. Nevertheless, the wave quickly ran out of steam as it entered the Gulf of Alaska and soon dissipated, causing no further problems.

The 1958 wave was by far the largest to devastate Lituya Bay, but it was only the latest to be documented there by the U.S. Geological Survey. Previous monster waves struck the fjord in 1853, 1874, 1899 and 1936. If Palin gives her farewell address there later this month, the epic crash of her carrer may churn up waves...

Stand Up Doom

Hot, Sticky Strands Of Research

British scientists claim to have created human sperm for the first time, an accomplishment they say may someday help infertile men father children. Sorry fellas, I did that too, at least 20 years ago.

The technique, using embryonic stem cells, produced baby mice from sperm derived in a similar way. Mouse sperm, not human sperm. Unless you're a Republican, you know that stem cells can become any cell in the body, and scientists have previously turned them into a variety of new entities, including cells from the brain, pancreas, heart and blood vessels.

Some experts challenged the research, saying they weren't convinced the team had actually produced sperm cells. Several critics also said the sperm cells they created were clearly abnormal; they did not have the specific shape, movement and function of real sperm, and were better suited to be labeled "spermatazoa".

The scientists only plan to produce sperm to study the reasons behind infertility, and will not fertilize any eggs.

Wash Your Mapquest Out With Soap

I'm shocked as hell that this was the featured article of the day...

Under its entry for the word "cunt", the Oxford English Dictionary reports that a street was listed as Gropecuntlane in about 1230, the first appearance of that name. Organised prostitution was well-established in London by the middle of the 12th century, initially mainly confined to Southwark in the southeast, but later spreading to other areas such as Smithfield, Shoreditch, Clerkenwell and Westminster.The practice was often tolerated by the authorities, and there are many historical examples of it being dealt with by regulation rather than by censure; in 1393 the authorities in London allowed prostitutes to work only in Cocks Lane, and in 1285 French prostitutes in Montpellier were confined to a single street.

It was normal practice for medieval street names to reflect their function, or the economic activity taking place within them, hence the frequency of names such as Silver Street, Fish Street, and Swinegate (pork butchers) in cities with a medieval history. Prostitution may well have been a normal aspect of medieval urban life; street names such as Petticoat Lane offer testimony to the popularity of the trade, and in A Survey of London (1598) John Stow describes Love Lane as "so called of Wantons". The more graphic Gropecunt Lane is possibly the most obvious allusion to sexual activity however.

This Ain't Friendster

These are only from the last year. It’s true. There was one for 2008, too. Reality TV, shut the fuck up.

Innersphere

Israeli scientists have unveiled a tiny robot, made using Micro-Electro-Mechanical Systems (MEMS) technology, purportedly able to crawl through a person's veins in order to diagnose and potentially treat artery blockage and cancer.

The little robot - with a diameter of just one millimeter - has neither engine nor onboard controls, instead being propelled forward by a magnetic field wielded on it from outside the patient's body. Controlling the tiny bot externally guides the little critter as it crawls its way through the body's veins and arteries using miniscule outstretched arms which grip the vessel walls. (tiny ouch)

Scientists reckon the mini bot can even withstand massive blood flow and is able to push forward regardless of the magnetic field actuation direction, doing away with any need for exact localisation and direction retrieval. A controller can move the little crawly creature in increments, with its speed of up to nine millimeters a second regulated by varying external magnetic field frequencies. Outside control also means the robot can be made to work for an unlimited amount of time, rather than suddenly - not to mention inconveniently - keeling over to die of battery failure in the middle of a medical procedure.

A small cross sectional area on the tiny robot apparently allows fluids to flow with minimal interference making intra-vascular motion more feasible, and opening up the possibility of minimally invasive medical treatments, as well as diagnosis within the body. Researchers are also apparently toying with the idea of attaching miniscule cameras to the bot, as well as other "tools" it may need to perform internal surgery. As if getting under people's skin wasn't enough, Technion researchers say they're also looking at putting the ant-like creature to work in urban water distribution systems, to look for any leaks that need plugging.

Who You Are

For years, government officials have urged people to protect their Social Security numbers by giving out the nine-digit codes only when absolutely necessary. Now it turns out that all the caution in the world may not be enough: New research shows that Social Security numbers can be predicted from publicly available birth information with a surprising degree of accuracy. Now you can really kiss that meager monthly check goodbye!

By analyzing a public data set called the “Death Master File,” (awesome name) which contains SSNs and birth information for people who have died, computer scientists from Carnegie Mellon University discovered distinct patterns in how the numbers are assigned. In many cases, knowing the date and state of an individual’s birth was enough to predict a person’s SSN.

“We didn’t break any secret code or hack into an undisclosed data set...We used only publicly available information, and that’s why our result is of value. It shows that you can take personal information that’s not sensitive, like birth date, and combine it with other publicly available data to come up with something very sensitive and confidential.”

With just two attempts, the researchers correctly guessed the first five digits of SSNs for 60 percent of deceased Americans born between 1989 and 2003. With fewer than 1,000 attempts, they could identify the entire nine digits for 8.5 percent of the group. There’s only a few short steps between making a statistical prediction about a person’s SSN and verifying their actual number, they said. Through a process called “tumbling,” hackers can exploit instant online credit approval services — or even the Social Security Administration’s own verification database — to test multiple numbers until they find the right one. Although these services usually block users after several failed attempts, criminals can use networks of compromised computers called botnets to scan thousands of numbers at a time.

To keep identity thieves from exploiting their research, the scientists left a few key details about their method out of the paper, and they released the document to government agencies before making it public. After developing an algorithm using the Death Master File, the researchers tested their results using information on birthday and hometown taken from a social networking site (the researchers declined to say which one). Again, they were able to predict Social Security numbers with a high degree of accuracy.

“It worked a little worse in the online social test for obvious reasons...Some people may not reveal the right date of birth, or they may call hometown where they went to high school, not where they were born. There’s more noise in online social networking, but nevertheless the two studies confirmed each other.”

It also turns out that some SSNs are easier to predict than others. Because of the way numbers are assigned, younger people and those born in less populated states are more at risk. Before 1988, many people didn’t apply for an SSN until they left for college or got their first job. But thanks to an anti-fraud effort in 1988 called the “Enumeration at Birth” initiative, parents started applying for their child’s number at birth, making it much easier to predict based on a person’s birthday.

According to information privacy experts, Social Security numbers were never meant to be used for authentication purposes, and using them as passwords puts all consumers at risk for identity theft. As a first step, the researchers suggest that the Social Security Administration start randomizing the assignment of SSNs. But privacy law experts feel the response must be drastic - "We should stop trying to protect the secrecy of the SSN, and just publish all of them to prevent their use as passwords.”

Fine, as long as I can still get my $671 a month.

Exasperated

On July 3rd, Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska via an awkward, long-winded speech. How long-winded? She sounded like she was gasping for air every 5 seconds. This is a disturbingly hilarious video of all of her deep breaths.

No deep breaths were duplicated, and the video edits are presented in the order that they occurred.

Worst Of The Bunch

It was a long weekend, and not that I'm hungover or tired or shirking my responsibilities (okay maybe a little after 4300+ words last night for one chapter), but I just don't see a story worth delving into.

Xinjiang riots? Nah. Donavan McNabb Steve McNair and Robert McNamara? Double obit will take twice as long. 'Three's Company' star cited for drunken driving? Too easy. How about "Woman Allegedly Pranks Her Grandma 45 Times In Day"? Is that even a story? Who cares, sounds interesting!

A 21-year-old woman faces felony charges after allegedly prank-calling her 69-year-old grandmother 45 times in one day, threatening to kill her. The woman faces five felony counts including harassment. A criminal complaint said she told police she was "bored" and "wanted to have some fun."

The woman and a 20-year-old friend, also facing charges, allegedly called the older woman on February 5th and said "I'm gonna kill you," "You're going to die" and "I'm watching you."

Police officers answered some calls for the grandmother and heard a female caller make threats. The criminal complaint said the suspect told investigators she wanted to scare her grandmother but didn't want her dead. She said she knew it was wrong but not illegal.

Wow, 21 and fucking with your Nana instead of getting drunk. Damn, you were bored.

Season 2 Chapter 6

This is chapter six of His Words - Not Mine.

Well, not this - this is a post about chapter six, but you're clear on how this works, right? Trading chapters, weekly, not discussing with each other? Just go and get caught up already, okay?

T + A Airlines

XXXV

American Weekend

Given the date it's hard ignore the recent acceptable electoral results - or lack thereof, in both Honduras and Iran. It's not beneath me to comment of those events, in fact, it's quite the opposite - I'm beneath it. But as an American, let me say thank God we stomped British ass centuries ago, because it would suck to have to live in a country with political unrest and suffrage issues. Of course, Iran is hardly democratic, especially compared to Honduras, who is / isn't having a military sponsored coup, but the key issue is knowing that your elections will go off without any fraud or leadership overthrow. Other than the 2000 election theft, we've been pretty good with that too...

Best of the week: It's late breaking and there's not a lot of clear concise intelligent real details yet, but this is terrific.

"Once I decided not to run for re-election, I also felt that to embrace the conventional lame duck status in this particular climate would just be another dose of politics as usual, something I campaigned against and will always oppose," Palin said in a statement released by her office. So as soon as you didn't want to run for office again, you decided not to finish the job you were elected to? Nice follow through. College kids not thinking about grad school, just go ahead and drop out now too. Let's hope this dummy is really serious about a presidential campaign, so she can get bitch slapped even harder than the last election.

Runner up: Noted Washington Redskins H-Back and burgeoning internet “personality” Chris Cooley was driving around in Wyoming last week, because...well, that's what Chris Cooley does. He doesn’t knock up recently acquainted women or handle firearms like most football players, or even play Madden all day. Nope. Dude is in a truck driving around one of those square states on the map. He then encountered one of the three possible things one could encounter in Wyoming - a dead cow. The other two things, for the record, are living cows and extreme boredom. From Cooley’s blog:

We were cruising around on our new land in Wyoming the other day and we found an old dead cow. So we decided that we would get rid of it by setting it on fire. Needless to say, it was a success.

I hope it was a success. Can one screw up setting fire to a cow? Is there a class involved? I’m sure it’s a major at Ohio State (still hating on you for Attack Attack!).

Worst of the week (tie!): Two awesome stories of idiocy!

A 16-year-old girl in Connecticut thought she heard her mother being assaulted by her boyfriend and rounded up some friends who beat him up, only to learn later that the couple actually were having sex. One of the teens beat the 25-year-old man with a bat and others punched him, police said. He suffered a black eye and several bruises.

The girl, two 17-year-old boys and Dilyen Langdeau (above 18, so we get your identity!) were arrested and arraigned, charged with assault and conspiracy. The 34-year-old woman, Melanie Arnold, denied she was screaming, and said her daughter thought she heard a slap and believed an assault was happening. "Instead of asking what was going on, they assumed and took matters into their own hands...Now they have to learn a lesson." That lesson? Figure out what the fuck is going on before reacting.

The teens knocked on the bedroom door and Arnold opened it, according to the couple, who recently broke up (not surprisingly). The teens rushed into the room and the man, Roger Swanson, said he didn't have a chance to explain himself. He said he tried to get away, but the teens chased him down and started beating him in the house. In summary, here's the math: A 34 year old, with a 16 year old daughter, was sexing up a 25 year old, and their dirty nasty sex prompted Our Gang to lay a beating. Classic.

Meanwhile, in Florida, a pet Burmese python measuring more than 8 feet long broke out of a terrarium and strangled a 2-year-old girl in her bedroom. Shaiunna Hare was already dead when paramedics arrived.

Charles Jason Darnell, the snake's owner and the boyfriend of Shaiunna's mother, discovered the snake missing from its terrarium and went to the girl's room, where he found it on the girl and bite marks on her head. Darnell (32) stabbed the snake until he was able to pry the child away. "The baby's dead!" a sobbing caller from the house screamed to a 911 dispatcher in a recording. "Our stupid snake got out in the middle of the night and strangled the baby. She got out of the cage last night and got into the baby's crib and strangled her to death."

Authorities removed the snake alive from the home, placing it in a bag then inside a dog crate. As you can imagine, Darnell did not have a permit for the snake, which would be a second-degree misdemeanor according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. He has not been charged, but investigators were looking into whether there was child neglect or if any other laws were broken.

The snake will be placed with someone who has a permit, pending an investigation into the girl's death. Because it must be allowed to kill again...hopefully the owners. The Humane Society said including that death, at least 12 people have been killed in the U.S. by pet pythons since 1980, including five children. Burmese pythons are not native to Florida, but they easily survive in the state and can reach a length of 26 feet and weigh more than 200 pounds. Some owners have freed pythons into the wild and a population of them has taken hold in the Everglades. One killed an alligator and then burst when it tried to eat it. Scientists also speculate a bevy of Burmese pythons escaped in 1992 from pet shops battered by Hurricane Andrew and have been reproducing since.

This country is great, even if most of our citizens are not.

Science And Nature, Working Together

People who live on vegetarian diets have weaker bones than their meat-eating counterparts, said Australian researchers. See you wussies, more proof that you can't beat meat. You can beat your own, but that's another story...

A joint Australian-Vietnamese study of links between the bones and diet of more than 2,700 people found that vegetarians had bones 5% less dense than meat-eaters. The issue was more pronounced in vegans, who excluded all animal products from their diet and whose bones were 6% weaker. There was "practically no difference" between the bones of meat-eaters and ovolactovegetarians, who excluded meat and seafood but ate eggs and dairy products, their study discovered. Hey wait - you're saying dairy and eggs are are practically a substitute for meat?

"The results suggest that vegetarian diets, particularly vegan diets, are associated with lower bone mineral density," according to the published results in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. "But the magnitude of the association is clinically insignificant," it added. So, you're saying that your findings and the study don't amount to anything important? "Given the rising number of vegetarians, roughly 5% (of people) in western countries, and the widespread incidence of osteoporosis, the issue is worth resolving.". Damn it, is it or is it not a big deal?

That may not make a difference, since tomato plants have been removed from stores in half a dozen states as a destructive and infectious plant disease makes its earliest and most widespread appearance ever in the eastern United States!

Late blight — the same disease that caused the Irish Potato Famine in the 1840s — occurs sporadically in the Northeast, but this year's outbreak is more severe for two reasons: infected plants have been widely distributed by big-box retail stores and rainy weather has hastened the spores' airborne spread. The disease, which is not harmful to humans, is extremely contagious and experts say it most likely spread on garden center shelves to plants not involved in the initial infection. It also can spread once plants reach their final destination, putting tomato and potato plants in both home gardens and commercial fields at risk. Sounds like a good time to save your bone density and eat meat!

Meg McGrath, professor of plant pathology at Cornell University - yes, apparently that is a real job, calls late blight "worse than the Bubonic Plague for plants." She adds in this once in a career moment, "People need to realize this is probably one of the worst diseases we have in the vegetable world...It's certain death for a tomato plant."

Tomato plants have been removed from Home Depot, Wal-Mart, Lowe's and Kmart stores in all six New England states, plus New York. Late blight also has been identified in all other East Coast states except Georgia, as well as Alabama, West Virginia and Ohio. It is too early in the season to know whether infected plants will taint large crops or negatively affect commercial growers. But if that happens, growers could be forced to raise prices to cover costs associated with combating the disease.

Agriculture officials in the various states still are trying to determine where the outbreak started. One major grower who supplies most of the tomato plants to big-box stores, has regularly inspected greenhouses in 38 states, and found no evidence of disease most recently. In the meantime, plant experts are warning gardeners to be on the lookout for the disease and to take quick action if it crops up. The first sign is often brown spots on plant stems, followed by nickel-sized olive-green or brown spots on the tops of leaves and fuzzy white fungal growth underneath. Tomato fruit will show firm, brown spots. Spraying with fungicides can control late blight if begun before symptoms appear, but many plant experts recommend removing and destroying the plants instead to prevent spores from traveling. I suggest a hearty treatment...of meat!

The Power Of Fly-ght

The King's Ransom

Inside The Kings with the always dependable Q+A with GM Dean Lombardi regarding why my team was asleep during yesterday's free agent bonanza. I am not happy about it, but placated.

Question: Can you go through the day, and talk about anything you might have been close to getting done?

LOMBARDI: Obviously we went into this for wingers. Like I've said, it's one of the positives of being in our situation now, as opposed to three years ago, when we were looking for everything and signing seven guys. The No. 1 guy we targeted was Hossa. I got permission to talk to Hossa at the draft. There were three teams, us and two others. Detroit gave me permission, and we started the dialogue at that time. Detroit, if he got signed, they would get compensation. We met with his agent there, at that time, and he was interested in L.A. He said he thinks we could be the next Chicago. But he said, `That's down the road,' and that's fair, that's realistic. He said it was important to go to a 100-point team. I said, `I don't know if we can guarantee that, but you're the type of player we're prepared to commit to.' He was the one player we thought was a top player. I don't know that he's a `mail carrier' type guy, but he's still a top player.

That dialogue continued until July 1. He was throwing (contract) numbers out there, but it was very vague in terms of numbers. We talked again last night and I got the sense that this was probably going in a different direction. I said, `What would it take?' but we never really got an answer. I think he had his eye on something else already. We thought it was Boston. He told us this morning that it was probably unlikely that he would come here. It wasn't really the 12-year term that got us out of it. It never got to that point. Part of this is that you're frustrated, but the other part is that you want guys like that. I've always said you want guys who want to win first. And you look at Chicago, where they've come in the last seven drafts and where they're at. Chicago, it took six years; we're three years in. That's the process they went through, and then they broke through. We're hoping that if we break through like they did, we can compete (for players) at that level. We were prepared to talk about the cash and the 12 years.

The other guy we looked at was Mike Knuble. He's certainly not the big name, but we knew his character inside out. That would have been a nice player to get. Obviously we knew him and Murph (Terry Murray) had him. In the end, it comes out that he wants to stay in the East. And again, he went to a top team in Washington. So those are the two guys we really targeted.

Question: How about Gaborik and Havlat?

LOMBARDI: We were prepared to look at Gaborik, but we were not prepared for a Hossa-type deal. We were talking first about a one (-year contract), then a two or three for Gaborik. Then they got the Rangers' thing. You're looking at a guy who played 17 games last year, and has a series of those. Forty-eight games, 65 games, 65 games. There's some gray there. I didn't have gray areas on Hossa. It might work out, but do we need to take that risk and jeopardize things right now? I don't think so. I'll take that risk on Hossa-type players. Will he be healthy? Maybe. We had the one(-year deal) out there and we talked about two or three, then he gave us the Rangers' number and we said, `We're done.' It's more about rolling the dice, and I don't think we should roll the dice and jeopardize what we're trying to do here. Same thing goes, to a degree, with Havlat. I'm not interested in rolling the dice.

So that's the market. If you're looking for top wingers, who else is there that fits? You've got 30 teams out there and we couldn't offer the part that some other teams could. Chicago is a contender. Washington is a contender.

Question: Do you now start looking at trade possibilities, or do you go after some second-tier guys?

LOMBARDI: We're going to investigate the trades. There's nothing there, in terms of free agency, that fits the M.O. that you're looking at. We might look at a few things. We are at the stage where I can strike, but you have to strike for the right guy. Yeah, you're under the gun and you'd like to do something, and that's when you go out and do something that you really don't like, that you regret, and then you get buyer's remorse. You still have a lot of people who have to sign people and fit under the salary cap, and I don't know how they're going to do it unless they sign a bunch of guys for $500,000 (each). If (no moves take place), we're still going to be a better team next year. Again, we'll strike for the right guy. For us, there was one guy we were prepared to throw that 10-year deal at.

Question: You previously mentioned the idea of going after a veteran defenseman. Is that still realistic?

LOMBARDI: I wouldn't mind looking at that. I wouldn't mind it because I would like to give our kids a cushion, but I don't want to go too far out (in terms of salary) and cut off my numbers to where I can't get the Hossa-type guys. At this time, I don't see a major thing out there. I wouldn't mind a good player to buy us some time, but I'm planning on the defense maturing as a group, and then spending my money up front. I don't see any blockbusters out there but you never know what you might stumble on later.

Question: Did you look into Beauchemin?

LOMBARDI: It's fair to say we dabbled in that. We're still dabbling, still looking around with other guys.

Question: Looking at your forwards, how do you prioritize? Do you keep this group intact, and hope you can add to it with a trade, or do you fill in the gaps now by signing some second-tier free agents? What's the strategy?

LOMBARDI: All we have really lost is Calder. Out of our forwards, Calder is the only one gone. You can say Boyle, maybe, and I love (Derek Armstrong) but he was basically our 13th guy. So it's not like we lost an impact guy or anything. One good sign is that if we look down at the next tier of guys and ask, `Is he better than what we have?' I don't know. I'm sure we're going to continue to see what's available on the free-agent route. The other thing is, some teams have to fit guys in under the cap. There are teams up against it that still have to sign some bodies. It will be interesting to see if the trade market opens up. The nice thing is, I do have some things to trade.


UPDATE: Ask and ye shall receive! The Kings closed a deal withformer Pittsburgh Penguins D Rob "The Piece" Scuderi at $3.4 million per season for four years. Like Puck Daddy says, "...once again showing that when it comes to free agency, Lombardi has the patience of the knight who guarded the Holy Grail in Indiana Jones."

Currently listed on the roster: are Drew Doughty, alternate captain Matt Greene, Sean O'Donnell, Kyle Quincey, Davis Drewiske, Peter Harrold, and Jack Johnson. Waiting in the wings are Thomas Hickey and Colten Teubert with the lower league affiliates. Drewiske will be a healthy scratch if he stays on the roster, and Harrold could shift back to a 4th line, two-way forward, seeing as Derek Armstrong was cut loose as a UFA. Scuderi is certainly a cushion and fills another veteran roll for the team, as Lombardi discussed above. His ice time averaged 19:10 during the regular season, and ballooned to 20:30 in the Stanley Cup playoffs. He led the Penguins in TOI shorthanded (2:56) in the playoffs, too. Basically, he's a workhorse.

Puck Daddy adds: "As for his contract, it'll be interested to see how it affects Johnson's negotiation (some say even with one year left before becoming a RFA, Jackie J could become tradebait) . But more importantly, it'll be interesting to see how $3.4 million against the cap looks in a few years if Scuderi's incredible season was UFA-influenced. If the expectations are tempered for what is a complimentary player, then it could be a very nice signing. Penguins fans don't seem to begrudge Scuderi his right to move on for contractual reasons. Pittsburgh was offering five years and $10 million total."

Return To Shit Mountain

After the awesome train-wreck of a video I realized that there was so much more to hate about Attack Attack!

Wikipedia tells me that "Someday Came Suddenly" is the first studio release album from post-hardcore (is that the genre name for shitty?) band Attack Attack! - though they are using the the term "studio release" about as liberally as possible. Half of the album's tracks are actually remastered (which means re-engineered, not re-recorded) songs from their EP "If Guns Are Outlawed, Can We Use Swords?".

The barely 30 minute "album" is only 12 tracks, nine of them are full songs (and by full I mean 2 ½ to 3 ½ minutes) , plus an intro, outro, and interlude, which is originally from one of the guy's side projects. And to punish myself while protecting you, I will listen to their masterpiece of shit, only because even adolescents I've asked, who are clearly the target audience, refuse to go anywhere near that crap.

Track 1 - "Hot Grills and High Tops": There's nothing more that emo kids like than some crunk-y beats and keyboards! Shout out to your club dance music side project! This basically undoes the groundbreaking work of Anthrax with Public Enemy in rock and hip-hop.

Track 2 - "Stick Stickly": Yes, this was titled in reference to the late 1990's Nickelodeon summer block show of the same name. When these guys were all 11. Go back and watch the video if you hate yourself.

Track 3 - "Bro, Ashley's Here": Did you think they weren't going to do more songs with screaming, cuts between nu-metal beats and pop-punk, vocoded vocals, and cheesy synths? Possibly the worst name of a song. Ever.

Track 4 - "Shred, White & Blue": Ever see a YouTube clip of somebody playing Guitar Hero and you're thinking "How could somebody have written such a horrible song yet still get onto a major video game? What is this garbage and where did it come from?" Well, now I'm pretty sure it's bands like this who are responsible.

Track 5 - "Party Foul": I'm going to say music foul. The best thing so far was the opening track, and that's only because it was the shortest.

Track 6 - "What Happens If I Can't Check My MySpace When We Get There?": Okay, this is the worst name of a song. Ever. If those words ever come out of your mouth, just keep it open and put a shotgun in.

Track 7 - "Interlude": If listening to this music didn't make you gay enough, this out-of-the-blue techno club track will push you over the edge. While it's a break from the last five identical sounding songs, it's still a huge turd.

Track 8 - "The People's Elbow": The signature move by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson finally gets it's own song...that has nothing to do with it. Unless he wrestled and was heard saying "Always thought that you would be the one, but baby just give me a chance". Nah, didn't think so either.

Track 9 - "Kickin' Wing, Animal Doctor": The name was borrowed from the nickname used in the movie Joe Dirt for the Native American firework salesman. Joe Dirt called and said now they don't want it back. There is an excellent chance that when they were putting the titles of the songs on the album for printing, they just wrote down whatever they saw or heard around them.

Track 10 - "Dr. Shavargo Pt.3": Somehow, this is an indirect reference to the movie Dr. Zhivago, which I guarantee none of the band members have seen. If only we heard parts 1 and 2 to get the full scope of what they're trying to do...

Track 11 - "Catfish Soup": I would rather eat a cold bowl of catpiss soup than have to listen to any more of this.

Track 12 - "Outro": This must be what it feels like when criminals get out of prison...and I too promise I'm never going back.

Verdict: Destroy Columbus, Ohio, where the band came from. Burn their fields, raze their buildings, enslave the children, and kill everyone. Sorry, but you fuckers allowed this aural abortion to come together right under your noses and didn't snuff it out when you had the chance. Thanks (for nothing), you assholes.

The Ultimate Fan Film?

Here's 45 minutes of geekery to have with your breakfast...take your time.

Mladen Sekulovich Was Who?

Yes, the star virus has killed another. We're just waiting on the WHO to call it an epidemic. Karl Malden, shockingly, dead at 97.

Malden died of being super fucking old natural causes, surrounded by his family at his Brentwood home, and not in 2004, as proved today. He served as the Academy's president from 1989-92. The actor said he got his celebrated bulbous nose when he "broke it a couple of times playing basketball or football", joking that he was "the only actor in Hollywood whose nose qualifies him for handicapped parking." Malden won a supporting actor Oscar in 1951 for his role as Mitch in A Streetcar Named Desire — a role he also played on Broadway. There was a repeat nomination in 1954 for his performance as Father Corrigan in On The Waterfront. Way to ride Marlon Brando's coattails!

His credits include more than 50 films, notably Patton, Pollyanna, and The Sting II. Malden gained perhaps his greatest fame as Lt. Mike Stone in the 70's show "The Streets of San Francisco," in which Michael Douglas played the veteran detective's junior partner. During the same period, Malden gained a lucrative 21-year sideline and a place in pop culture with his "Don't leave home without it" ads for American Express. While known for playing gritty characters, the actor will also be remembered, mostly, for being old.

Un-American Apparel

I couldn't pass up a headline like "Probe Fingers 1,800 American Apparel Workers", especially when owner Dov Charney has fingered so many employees, and he should get fingered himself...in a prison shower. A Federal probe has found that about a third of American Apparel's factory workers in the Los Angeles area had supplied suspect or invalid records and were not authorized to work in the United States. Oops.

The findings, from a January 2008 federal investigation, could deal a blow to the corporation's image as a proponent of immigration reform, but the company said the potential loss of those 1,800 workers would have no significant impact on its results. In a related story, 1,800 positions opened up at American Apparel. The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, a.k.a ICE discovered at least 1,600 current employees at their factories appeared to have gained employment due to "suspect and not valid" eligibility documentation, the company said in a filing. The probe (can't use that word enough) also found that the employment eligibility of an additional 200 workers could not be verified due to "discrepancies". Being a garmento, I can translate - that means you have one too many John Smiths Juan Sanchezes employed under the same ID or SSI.

"The company believes that its current surplus levels of inventory and manufacturing capacity would mitigate the adverse impact of any disruption to its manufacturing activities that may potentially result from the loss of these employees," American Apparel said. Or, "Due to the economic downturn, we are happy to reduce our payroll by 1,800 people. Before they are deported for their illegal status work ineligibility, we made sure to underpay and overwork them, creating a hefty surplus of goods to sell at our usual profit margins."

The manufacturer of hipster garb, who is just as well known for their pornographic ad campaigns (the ones that, strangely, don't get them sued), added that ICE's notification provided no indication that the company knowingly or intentionally hired unauthorized aliens, and no criminal charges have been filed against the Company or any current employees.

American Apparel has made immigration reform a central theme of its corporate message and has called for the legalization of foreign workers, using "Legalize LA" as a slogan on billboards and T-shirts. Their Los Angeles operations, which employ some 4,500 workers, churn out some 230,000 garments per day in an environment in which workers are paid above minimum wage, enjoy subsidized health care and meals, and take part in free English classes. In the past, the company has let go of workers whose papers were proven false, and company executives say American Apparel diligently complies with the law, but have pointed out that papers can easily be faked. 1,800 times.

B-B-B-B-Bank

Gotta love those Kids.