Breaker Breaker With A Hot Flush

I didn't realize there were a whole set of other 10 codes out there until I saw the full list at danlin.net - I always used 10-20, but now I'm going to have to upload more to my slangwagon.

Standard APCO 10 Codes
10-1 Cannot understand your message
10-2 Your signal is good
10-3 Stop transmitting
10-4 Message recieved (”OK”)
10-5 Relay information to _________
10-6 Station is busy
10-7 Out of service
10-8 In service
10-9 Repeat last message
10-10 Negative (”no”)
10-11 __________ in service
10-12 Stand by
10-13 Report __________ conditions
10-14 Information
10-15 Message delivered
10-16 Reply to message
10-17 En route
10-18 Urgent
10-19 Contact __________
10-20 Unit location
10-21 Call __________ by telephone
10-22 Cancel last message
10-23 Arrived at scene
10-24 Assignment completed
10-25 Meet __________
10-26 Estimated time of arrival is _________
10-27 Request for information on license
10-28 Request vehicle registration information
10-29 Check records
10-30 Use caution
10-31 Pick up
10-32 Units requested
10-33 Emergency! Clear the air
10-34 Correct time

Memory Block

The winds of bullshit are blowing strong, whipping up with more than a year before presidential elections.

The smell was Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson giving no opinion when asked about efforts by President Bush and Congress to keep Terri Schiavo alive. He says he does not remember details of the right-to-die case that stirred national debate. Clearly, she was not the only one brain dead at that time.

"I can't pass judgment on it. I know that good people were doing what they thought was best," Thompson said. "That's going back in history. I don't remember the details of it."

I know Thompson is old, but that's just the most feeble crap I've ever heard, and a pathetic dodge. I can remember what theater I saw Return Of The Jedi in over 20 years ago, and I sure as hell know everyone recalls that little incident two years ago that sparked protests, saw laws enacted, and created a national media firestorm.

Maybe they should have asked him if he remembers working on Law & Order, season 16, episode 353: "Age of Innocence", aired October 12, 2005, which was inspired by the Shiavo incident.

Not that I would vote for any Republican in this election (or likely ever), but it certainly won't be Thompson getting my punch card. If any of you sustain a blow to the head and somehow vote GOP, try to have some dignity and not cast your ticket for such blatant lying - that's supposed be apparent after they take office, not way before.

Freddy...why you do this to me?

Gram-O-Gram

A kilogram just isn't what it used to be.

The 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass appears to have lost 50 micrograms compared with the average of dozens of copies. Oh shit! (not really)

"The mystery is that they were all made of the same material, and many were made at the same time and kept under the same conditions, and yet the masses among them are slowly drifting apart," said physicist Richard Davis of the International Bureau of Weights and Measures . "We don't really have a good hypothesis for it."

While the jackasses of the world cry fearfully about it, claiming it could affect even countries that don't use the metric system, I can clearly cut through the scientific chatter and remind everybody that the original standard is fine, and that there are plenty of copies that still meet the exact standard.

The 50 micrograms decrease is roughly equivalent to the weight of a fingerprint, which when looked at by the 1889 standards which the measure was based on is unnoticeable. We may as well look at the Wright Brothers and fret over our hypersonic jets, or lament the CGI in films looking back at Edison's experiments with celluloid. New tools and technology = greater ability to determine detail and improve the standards of life. Yes, it's a lovely mystery, but civilization will find a way to reestablish the kilogram with enough certainty that we'll be able to continue living our lives absent the current atmosphere of fear.

Going, Going...

The most common type of gorilla is now "critically endangered," according to the World Conservation Union.

Commercial hunting, civil unrest and habitat loss due to logging and forest clearance for palm oil plantations are adding to the problem, but the main reason for the species thinning is the Ebola virus. Yes, nature, not humans is the prime culprit in this species extinction plan. In fact, the Western Lowland Gorilla has lost about a third of it's population in protected areas over the last 15 years due to the virus.

Also on the chopping block is the Yangtze River dolphin, the Redheaded Vulture, and the Gharial crocodile. Not faring so well is the woolly-stalked begonia, the only species declared extinct this year. Not mentioned are more human concerns, which I note are in their twilight.

Customer Service
As future President Of The Universe, I will be instituting a mandatory customer service program, where of-age youth will have to spend two years in either food service or retail in order to understand what customer service is from both sides. It pains me to think that what used to be typical courtesy and service is now bought at a premium in establishments.

Parenting
During your two year tour of duty in my program, you are sure to realize that selective breeding may not be such an extreme view. Children are no better than wild animals in name brand clothing, and that is mainly in part to shitty parenting skills and lack of attentiveness in the development of those kids. Never mind smacking the children, just hit the parents. In the reproductive area if you can.

Faith In Government
I think we're close to the point where the last remaining people who truly believe in what the government tells us are either in the government or would fit in the ballroom of the airport Hilton. Between the botched war, botched Katrina response, the fiasco elections, countless scandals and resignations, and general mix of embarrassment and evil our leaders project, how can anybody sane feel comfortable with the rhetoric they spew which flies in direct opposition to what we clearly see them do. We're all huddled together in the lifeboat while the captain keeps telling us to get back to the state room and listen to the band play.

Heroes
Who do kids look up to these days? Britney Spears? Michael Vick? Our celebrities are famous for being famous and no longer have the noble qualities that make them worthy of idolatry. And why have our standards dropped so far that a Catholic schoolgirl outfit and some dance moves or throwing a ball 30 yards is the top of our admirability chart? As an adult you fare no better...but I'm a big fan of the guy who makes salt water burn right now.

Humility

Maybe I shouldn't comment on this...I write a blog for God's sake.

Cyber Geppetto

David Hanson is the proud parent of one boy and one robot.

There's his 18-month-old son Zeno, and then there's the robotic Zeno. At 17 inches tall and 6 pounds, the artificial Zeno is the culmination of five years of work by Hanson and a small group of engineers, designers and programmers at his company, Hanson Robotics. They are focused on the design and sale of lifelike robotic companions, or social robots. That's the business of creating artificial beings for people who have zero ability to interact with real humans for social contact or occasions.

Hanson says he envisions Zeno as an interactive learning companion, a synthetic pal who can engage in conversation and convey human emotion. I call it creepy.

Inspired by the same story that led to the movie Artificial Intelligence: AI, Hanson wants to make his little Zenos available to consumers within the next three years for $200 to $300, although he concedes it's going to be at least 15 years before robot builders can approach anything like what was in the film. With limitless sculpting ability, the little robot can be make to look like anything or anyone. Robotics, Hanson believes, should be about artistic expression, but convincing people that robots should look like people remains a challenge that experts call the "uncanny valley" theory. It says that humans have a positive psychological reaction to robots that look somewhat like humans, but that robots made to look very realistic end up seeming grotesque instead of comforting.

The robot syncs up to a computer running Massive Software — the same program that enabled the battles among humans, orcs and elves in the Lord Of The Rings movies, so when it links up to Skynet to overthrow mankind, just know it knows how to fight already. Of course it will be extra embarrassing to be enslaved by something the size of a Cabbage Patch Kid.

Eastern Cronenberg

I got to hop the gate at Universal with Scartoe and see the new David Cronenberg flick Eastern Promises, and I was pleased.

Both Naked Lunch and eXistenZ are favorites of mine, and though Cronenberg has veered towards towards more...mainstream stories, he still packs a visceral punch. The best thing about his movies is his fascination with the organic and physical world, and the beauty that he brings to bio-mechanical function and living things. His violence is so pure and natural, and he elegantly treats the body as a vital part of his visual presentation and storytelling. With amputated fingers, throat slicing, and a gritty brawl at the story's apex, there is nothing polite about Cronenberg, but it is never grotesque or unnatural.

The tale, which peeks inside the Russian mob in London, has stellar acting from Armin Mueller-Stahl, Naomi Watts and Viggo Mortensen, and subtle beauty from longtime colaborator Peter Suschitzky (the director of photography for The Empire Strikes Back). The movie has it's release shortly, and I hope that audiences find it, building on the goodwill A History Of Violence has sparked.

Dear Famous Sister

Dear Famous Sister,

Big news on the Yahoo! front page says that there's a sex-discrimination lawsuit at your company.

Two former female employees describe a men's locker-room atmosphere at sales offices and allege they were systematically denied equal pay. Have you ever been forced to accompany your male coworkers on company-paid strip club visits? They were. Sounds like a great company to me...I couldn't get my old bosses to approve supplies, let alone a trip to a titty bar.

Pay attention to the results of Monday's hearing where they will determine if they will include all women who worked in sales from 2001 to 2004. Maybe that will roll into the legal department...

Apparently, more than 40 women have alleged sex-discrimination by EMC in lawsuits, affidavits and complaints with the EEOC. Even The Wall Street Journal published an article about the discrimination case, which I hear prompted your president to issue letters to all the employees regarding the allegations.

I'm sure none of that applies to you or your work environment, and that you'd have dealt with the situation anyhow to fix it, but you know I'm just looking out for you. You haven't needed or wanted me to fight your battles since I threw that kid who was mouthing off into the lockers in junior high, but that's just my brotherly duty. But if there is a company-wide money grab, well...just see what's going on around you. You always did want to have more time to go sailing...

Love,

Your Brother, The One And Only Famous M

Fire Water Burn

Soon the oceans will burn.

Trying to desalinate seawater with a radio-frequency generator he developed to treat cancer, John Kanzius accidentally discovered that as long as the salt water was exposed to the radio frequencies, it would burn.

The discovery has scientists excited by the prospect of using salt water, the most abundant resource on earth, as a fuel. The radio frequencies act to weaken the bonds between the elements that make up salt water, releasing the hydrogen. Once ignited, the hydrogen will burn as long as it is exposed to the frequencies, he said.

Researchers will meet this week with officials from the Department of Energy and the Department of Defense to try to obtain funding for studies. Prepare for a future where either cars become truly hydroelectric, or the the army has a salt water bomb.

Work Face

Got my work face on.

I am going to do the hell out of nothing when I get home, and it will be glorious.

Exit Joe Z

Jazz fusion giant Joe Zawinul died early Tuesday at 75.

Zawinul played with Maynard Ferguson and Dinah Washington before joining alto saxophonist great Cannonball Adderley for nine years. He then moved on to a brief collaboration with Miles Davis, at the time Davis was entering the electric arena, before getting involved with the Weather Report, and later, the Syndicate.

Hardcore players from the jazz world are dying off, yet Panic! At The Disco lives. That's just wrong.

Bow Your Head And Pretend To Look Serious

One of the finest moments on television in the post 9/11 world was Wonder Showzen sending Beat Kid Trevor to Ground Zero to ask people to tell jokes. (Clearly the heads of Interweb, Inc. have yet to have a clip floating around for me to put up, but it, like the show, was full of satire and sick humor.)

It bothers me that we now say things like "post 9/11 world" to highlight the paradigm shift to attentiveness from the days when we were just face down and ass up to the world, but there has been a marked change. We've had a couple of movies about 9/11 victims and heroes, countless memorials, enough moments of silence to last days, but that's just the fanfare. We get cavity searched at the airport and the government can listen to our cell phone calls. We have a military operation that's lasted longer than WWII and daily debate over the direction of our country's role as the world leader. We have a rainbow of choices for how fearful to be and disdain for any foreigner coming from south of Europe.

National intelligence director Mike McConnell tells us we're safer than before, but that's only because now we're paying attention. Terrorism is like an STD that the US caught because we were fucking around in the Middle East. Now that we've had our burning discharge we're hyper vigilant to make sure the infection is cleared from that sweet vaj so we can get back to business grinding and pumping. Have we learned our lesson? I don't know, but for the time being the country is trying to get back it's old ways and old self with a renewed sense of caution.

Before space shuttles began having routine damage in their missions, the "do you remember" moment for my generation was the Challenger explosion. Now, like Kennedy's headshot or the Pearl Harbor fish-in-a-barrel strafing, 9/11 is that moment, and accordingly we have to be sternly introspective of the effect. The worst part is we've forgotten that were also pretty damn carefree and laughing before. Even if it's just gallows humor, the all the tension and hardened reflection has to be tempered.

We're going to be flagellating ourselves for years for sure, so let's at least have a spit take or a banana peel lying around just to change it up.

Seahorse Seashell Party

More like seahorse seahell. (thx Rybot!)

The Name Doesn't Matter...

...but it does kinda suck.

The long awaited fourth installment of the Indiana Jones series has finally confirmed the title:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Yeah, that is lame. The word crystal pretty much makes anything uncool. Kingdom of the Skull would have been alright, but no...

The movie would still make $200 million even if it was called Baby Murder Rape Farm, but that doesn't mean they chose a good title.

Yes, neither of them like the title.

Tranatomy

For some reason, Entertainment Weekly is being delivered to me.

I was fortunate to get ESPN The Magazine to fill out the balance of FHM, but I have no idea why I'm getting this mag. A bonus subscription? Hardly. With the interweb and my lifelong friendship with several of Hollywood's movers and shakers, getting a weekly dash of infotainment is far beyond keeping with today's pace.

So this week's cover hag is Kate Walsh, who spun out of Grey's Anatomy to her own show. I don't know what the ABC marketing department is trying for, but for sure they're hitting the transsexual demographic. Must every woman on their shows look like she used to pee standing up?

iMillions

In just 74 days, Apple has sold 1 million units of it's iPhone.

Between the now discontinued 4GB version and the recently price reduced 8GB model, Apple has made well over $400 million. The windfall also extends to AT&T, who cleaned up on the necessary service contracts.

That's more than all the box office grosses combined for the weekend. Hell, thats more than every living member of your family is going to make this year - and I'll go to members 4 and 5 times removed. Think about that over your Mac & Cheese tonight.

Video Music Joke

After 24 years, the channel who's name used to mean music videos has firmly steered its crown jewel award show into the sandbar.

For years the videos have not been the main attraction, and 2007 made that solidly the point. From the uninspired opening number by Britney Spears to Kanye West's snub tantrum, even the spectacle moments are flat and tarnished. Moving with the speed and agility of a tranquilized rhino, Spears may as well have not shown up and had a better response to what is being called her comeback. There's plenty of other 25 year old mothers of two dancing around with more sex appeal in 6 inch boots, so why can't Britney take a page out of their book? She can even keep the dollar bills.

Kanye West, the crying man-child of the rap world, took his snub in stride, showing the poise and grace of a man bested by a superior contender...which was none. When you're so full of narcissism, there's really no room for humility. Mike Myers ought to get on the air and tell Kanye MTV doesn't care about him. We should all be so lucky that Kanye holds to his word and never returns to MTV. Expand your horizons, think bigger...

The press caught wind of how boring the event was, yet still tried to run with the most exciting stories of the night.

Nelly hits red carpet in white T-shirt
Nelly was wearing a very expensive white T-shirt as he got ready to hit the red carpet at the MTV Awards Video Music Awards Sunday night.

It's a two-hundred-dollar white T," Nelly said. "It's got to be the most expensive white T I've ever had in my whole life."

"I'll be sure not to spill anything on it."

A $200 white t-shirt! I didn't know they could make one so expensive! That is news!

MTV casts fake Vegas gamblers at VMAs
Not much ever gets in the way of the gambling in Las Vegas, but MTV and its Video Music Awards elbowed it aside for a while Sunday night at the Palms Casino.

The casino removed dozens of gaming tables and about 400 slot machines to make room for the award show's red carpet. People seen gambling directly behind the red carpet were cast by MTV and not playing with real chips.

They should have cast a fake audience to have some fake interest in the show and the channel.

Closed For The Weekend

I sure as hell hope I can take my own advice...see you Monday?

New Campaign Doublespeak

Whatever Rudy Giuliani was exposed to at Ground Zero may have seriously impaired his brain.

Speaking with CNN Headline News, Rudy G said illegal immigration is not a crime. Sir, were it not criminal, it would not be illegal. Yes? How about this -- were it not illegal, it would not be a crime. Better?

"It's not a crime," Giuliani said Friday. "I know that's very hard for people to understand, but it's not a federal crime."

So it's not a federal crime? But is it a state crime? How can somebody be an illegal immigrant in a state and not the country? How do you reconcile this?

"I was U.S. attorney in the Southern district of New York," he said. "So believe me, I know this. In fact, when you throw an immigrant out of the country, it's not a criminal proceeding. It's a civil proceeding."

Sir, that's not reason enough. I don't care who you are or what you did when, you're a little too full of yourself without having any substantial proof of this. Besides, listen to what you're saying. You're contradicting the very meaning of the words you're using.

Illegal immigration shouldn't be a crime, either, Giuliani said: "No, it shouldn't be because the government wouldn't be able to prosecute it. We couldn't prosecute 12 million people. We have only 2 million people in jail right now for all the crimes that are committed in the country, 2.5 million."

See! It is a crime - you just said so! Of course we can prosecute that many people. I bet you could have twice as many folks incarcerated if you called them enemy combatants and insurgents. The government has such a hard-on for those guys, they'd turn Nebraska into a state-sized prison.

He added: "My solution is close the border to illegal immigration."

Yes, close that border and keep the illegal immigrants out, and only let the legal ones in. So simple, yet we can't do it...without him in office.

Greedy Bastard

U.S. Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner is an asshole.

Already a millionaire and heir to the Kimberly-Clark fortune (that's Kleenex brand and Scott paper towels) he has had a decent lucky streak. Since winning a $250,000 jackpot in the DC lottery, he won $1,000 prize in the Wisconsin lottery last year, and now another $1,000 in that lottery last week.

Thanks, you scumbag fuck.

When you think about a guy who's worth over $11.5 million playing the lottery, you gotta get ticked off. Knowing he spends about $10 a week on lottery tickets at least tricks you into thinking his fat pampered ass that enjoys the perks of wealth and governmental position feeds money into the state and to others chances at changing their life. But when you dig deeper and find out that his latest winnings came in a "Super 2nd Chance" drawing, in which people who mail in at least $5 in losing tickets vie for 10 $1,000 prizes each week, and you get the scope of his moneylust.

I will laugh out loud when he's crushed and killed by a collapsing pile of money.

Fame And Misfortune

The hot new phenom is Disney's High School Musical, which just spawned a sequel that was the highest watched cable program ever. So naturally, the young stars of the TV film have done some things they regret, especially now they're sitting ducks in the media target range.

It brings me much satisfaction that 18 year old girls are still näive enough to take sexy pictures for their boyfriends. Sometimes they just happen to be Vanessa Hudgens, who also just happens to be one of those aforementioned stars. Personally, I'm no more a fan of her having seen the pictures than I was before, but theoretically, I have to be filled with joy. Eighteen + naked + girl = you have to support or they will take away your man card. Of course, the down side is that all girls over 25 won't take nude photos or make sex videos with you for fear of ending up like The Hudge, and that sucks royal ass.

If you want to perv out, there are pictures here, but don't lose sight that the same starmakers who made her more than just another naked girl on the interweb have turned Zac Effron into this generation's Joey Lawrence. I hope he becomes the same sad joke too.

White Girl's Burden

Avril Lavigne is a self righteous twat.

Just hearing her talk makes you want to have her lips sewn shut. The proof?

"People love me and people hate me, but I'm comfortable in my own skin and that's what counts. And anyway if you do hate me, you're the loser, not me."

"Someone like Kelly Clarkson is beautiful and has a pretty voice, but with me you get a much stronger image. I'm tough, I have a look that girls want to copy, and I sound a particular way. It's good if you're not easily ignored. And I'm not."

"I am a very giving person. When the hurricane thing happened, I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'Take it to Katrina!' I also like to give stuff to people who are my 'workers,' especially if they don't make much money."

The blogosphere has reacted accordingly. My favorite? WWTDD.

I wish I was one of Avril's "workers". Because instead of being paid with money, which is good anywhere, I could be paid in Iron Maiden t-shirts. I would wear it every day. In fact, I'd have too. If any of Avril's workers are reading this, I have two words for you: poison ... cigarettes.

Just as a reminder, NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone moved 18 pieces of heavy machinery, including three bulldozers and a backhoe, into areas destroyed by Katrina, then personally spent 12 hours a day behind the wheel of a dozer, eventually clearing 114 lots for homeowners whose houses were buried under trees and debris. Avril filled six boxes with torn fishnets and blue mascara, then gave someone else vague instructions. Malone said almost nothing about it at the time. Avril still brings it up three years later, seemingly the only kind act she can think of. Karl also executed the pick-and-roll with seamless perfection during his playing days in Utah, while Avril just stood there like a fuckin' stick while the ball bounced off her dopey face. Advantage: Karl Malone.

Trapped In The Cave

MC Osama is going to drop his hot new viddie in the next few days, a return to form that will see him ruling the hop-hop world like he did in '04, according to BET.

That, or al-Qaida is promoting the upcoming Osama bin Laden video coming on the sixth anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks. A bin Laden appearance would be significant since he has not appeared in new video footage since October 2004, and he has not put out a new audiotape (or mixtape as they say on the street) in more than a year, his longest period without a message (single).

Drawing interest is Osama's new look. The announcement (press release) had a still (promotional) photo from the coming video, showing bin Laden with his beard fully black. In his past videos, bin Laden's beard was almost entirely gray with dark streaks (Funkadelic). The dyed beard is a popular practice among Arab leaders (rap moguls), to make them look young and healthy (fly).

The new video would also end the longest period bin Laden has gone without releasing a message (busting some tight flow). His last audiotape was on July 1, 2006, in which he welcomed new leader of al-Qaida (posse) in Iraq succeeding the slain Abu Musab al-Zarqawi (dead hommie). Bin Laden went silent (dealing with legal matters) for a similar long stretch before — from Dec. 28, 2004 to Jan. 19, 2006. That absence sparked widespread speculation he was ill (looking for a producer), wounded (shot in a drive by) or possibly dead (cut from his record label).

For me, Osama is like R. Kelly, and every one of these new chapters in his crazy video is just as good as "Trapped In The Closet". They're like two sides of a coin. I bet there's footage somewhere of Osama pissing on a girl.

Popcorn Lung

The first thing you think after hearing that is Jethro Tull has a new album coming out, but you'd be wrong (and happily so...they blow)

This is about Wayne Watson, who loved microwave popcorn so much he would eat at least two bags each night. He would stand over the just-opened package, breathing in the steam like the freak that you already suspect he is -- but now doctors told him it may have made him sick.

Watson has the sole reported case of "popcorn lung" reported in a non-factory worker, said he is convinced his heavy consumption of popcorn caused his health problems. Popcorn flavoring contains the chemical diacetyl, which has been linked to lung damage in factory workers testing hundreds of bags of microwave popcorn per day and inhaling its fumes. The chemical is a naturally occurring compound that gives butter its flavor, and though been approved by the FDA as a flavor ingredient, hundreds of workers have sued flavoring makers in recent years for lung damage and the rare, life-threatening disease bronchiolitis obliterans, also known as popcorn lung.

Doctors tested Watson's home for levels of diacetyl fumes and found that while popcorn was microwaved in the kitchen, peak levels of the fumes were similar to those measured in factories. It makes you wonder about how dangerous overindulgence can be. Just to be safe, from now on I will only use my computer while wearing protection.

More Reconsideration

Nobody does what they say anymore.

Once great C Jeremy Roenick signed a one-year contract with the San Jose Sharks two months after saying he would retire.

"I'm very thankful for this opportunity to play for the San Jose Sharks," Roenick said. "They have a great team, and I look forward to helping this group compete for the Stanley Cup." Yes, with five straight seasons of declining numbers, you're quite the asset.

Calling his single season with the Kings disappointing would be like calling World War II a European vacation. Roenick hasn't yet realized that he's got no gas left in his tank, and he can't back up all the smack coming from his flapping gums, including his flip flop retirement. Between his whining over rightly failing the cut for the '06 Olympics to his last underachieving season in Phoenix where he had dinner and watched a game unstead of suiting up, JR is full of gusto and little else. It's easy to respect a player who leaves in their prime and keeps their legacy intact, but all Roenick can do is embarrass himself, and the fix he's looking for to feed his ego is not going to come.

Piledriver Logic

Pass the blame took an exciting step as the years of head trauma pro wrestler Chris Benoit suffered were suggested as possibly contributing to why he killed his wife, son and himself

The analysis by doctors affiliated with the Sports Legacy Institute suggests that repeated concussions could have contributed to the killings, but -- wait for it --there was no way to know for sure.

So with no way to know for sure and lacking clinical results, I guess the brain trauma angle is about as solid as demonic possession and alien mind control as culprit.

Michael Benoit agreed to the testing of his son's brain because the murder-suicide was so out of character -- but who exactly is that "in character" for? His son complained about suffering concussions, but that he knows of no medical records or records kept by the wrestling league to support the diagnosis. There are also no records anywhere else supporting this theory.

Steroid use has lingered as the most popular theory behind the killings, since anabolic steroids were found in Chris Benoit's home and tests conducted by authorities showed Benoit had roughly 10 times the normal level of testosterone in his system when he died. Extensive use can lead to paranoia, depression and violent outbursts, which sound about right for the case. Because if concussions really did lead to such a drastic and literally violent change in personality and actions, the NFL would be breeding more than dog fighters and out of wedlock children.

Benoit's father had the best closing line though: "The human skull is not built to get hit by a chair or something."

Amen to that.

Cybrids

British regulators decided on Wednesday to permit in principle the creation of hybrid human-animal embryos for research into illnesses such as Parkinson's, Motor Neurone Disease and Alzheimer's. Scartoe, you're that much closer to getting those animal mods.

The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) said it had agreed to allow a specific kind of inter-species hybrid, created by injecting human DNA into a hollowed-out animal egg cell.

The resulting "cytoplasmic hybrid" embryo, or "cybrid" would be 99.9 percent human and 0.1 percent animal.

The HFEA is believed to be the first regulator in the world to explicitly approve such human-animal embryos, a spokeswoman for the authority said. The researchers hope to use the hybrid embryos, which must be destroyed after 14 days, to create stem cells that might provide new medical treatments for degenerative diseases. Scientists in China, the United States and Canada have already carried out similar work.

Scientists and medical charities welcomed the decision, but opponents said mixing even a tiny amount of human genetic material with an animal's was unnatural and wrong. The HFEA regulators deferred a decision on other types of human-animal embryos, such as "true hybrids," created by the fusion of a human sperm and an animal egg, and "human chimeras," where human cells are injected into animal embryos.

The regulators considered findings from their consultation which included an opinion poll of more than 2,000 people.

The survey found people supported the creation of the kind of hybrid embryos proposed by the two research teams, but only when they were given a reason for the experiments. A majority of those asked -- 61 percent -- said they gave their backing if the hybrids helped understand some diseases. That support fell to 35 percent if the hybrids were being created purely for non-specific research.

Considering they grow human ears on the backs of lab rats and use pig valves in heart transplants, mankind will eventually expand as a species to have little bits of others. Go hybrids!

They Say Write What You Know

A Polish crime writer has been jailed for 25 years after authorities found he had committed a murder that had been described in one of his thrillers.

In his 2003 book "Amok," Krystian Bala described in detail the brutal murder of a Polish businessman. Police found that the fictional crime had similarities with a case in 2000 when a body was fished out of the river Oder in the town of Wroclaw, near the German border.

Prosecutors said Bala had humiliated, tortured, starved and later killed his victim, who had a love affair with the writer's wife, but Bala told authorities that he had taken details of the case from press reports and made up other aspects of the story.

There are not too many other details, but even without an understanding of Polish law, I suspect that there had to be better evidence than just his words. Then again, "If I Did It" seems pretty convincing...look out Juice.

Fat Lady Singing For The Fat Man

Luciano Pavarotti's health has deteriorated to serious condition according to current reports.

The 71-year-old tenor, who has pancreatic cancer, was believed to have lost consciousness for brief moments in recent days. I do that from time to time too, but it's called falling asleep. Also, there have been reports his kidney function is failing.

Modena hospital spokesman Alberto Greco confirmed Pavarotti was at home, but said he had no further information.

Pavarotti's seems to have been at death's door for years, but his health over the last 12 months has been particularly poor. The opera star had surgery for pancreatic cancer in July 2006, but just over a week ago he was released from the hospital after spending a fortnight with a high fever.

Pavarotti had been preparing to resume his farewell tour, but he has made no public appearances since his surgery.

UPDATE:

I'M DEEEEEAAAAAAAAD!

Can Not Find

Zip Codes for Seoul, South Korea are very hard to locate. This website isn't much help either.

www.myjobisthebest.com

College Football Is A Farce

Big news on the college pigskin circuit! The mighty Michigan Wolverines had a disastrous opening and dropped all the way out of The Associated Press Top 25. Boo fucking hoo. Somehow, it is thought that it is actual news that a team fell from No. 5 to being unranked.

Football at the collegiate level is just a small step above high school football, just with better uniforms and bigger stadiums. Out of thousands of high schools come enough players to fill a couple hundred ball teams, who duke it out in so many leagues that the only way to know all the names is to see which “Girls Of The ______” Playboy has coaxed into nudity. College basketball is equally ridiculous, but at least they have the tournament to pick their top team. Football has the retarded AP rankings.

Sportswriters across the nation pick their top 25 teams after the results of the weekend games, and from that aggregate, you have your rankings. Jason Franchuk from the Provo Daily Herald, Dave Rahme at the Syracuse Post-Standard, Mitch Vingle of the Charleston Gazette – that’s whose opinion is determining ratings and rankings. Yes, opinion.

Opinions that call Appalachian State's 34-32 upset of Michigan “stunning” and USC’s 38-10 victory over Idaho “lackluster”, yet placing the Trojans at the top with 59 of 65 number one votes and knocking the Wolverines out of the list. Since it’s only opinion, why bother having Division I-A teams in the Bowl Subdivision play I-AA teams in the Championship Subdivision. Appalachian State can’t crack the poll, can’t qualify for ranking, yet still plays teams from other, higher divisions. Ringers in the mix? Let me know the next time the Yankees play the AAA team out of Tulsa and miss the playoffs, because that would make as much sense.

Michigan’s fall, in spite of 16th place votes like the one from Wayne Phillips of The Greenville Sun. just doesn’t matter in the arbitrary world of opinion. They’ll be back in the top 25 next week, and maybe even back towards the top of enough voters get a boner for the team.

"I still think Michigan has a good football team," he said. "I think they're worthy of being ranked. They may prove me wrong." Phillips also said he gave Michigan some leeway because he's familiar with Appalachian State, the two-time defending I-AA champions.

"They're a pretty darn good football team," he said. "If Michigan had lost to some of the other patsies some of the big teams played I could see dropping them out."

Gee, how scientific.

In a league where there are weekly blowouts by more than 30 points, all wins and losses are not equal, and that undermines the game and the sport. The Bowl Championship System fucks up the title game match ups under the same stupid principle, and while they took the AP rankings out of it, the equally suspect Harris Interactive College Poll fails to the same effect. There are either wins or loses in sports, and the team with the most wins is the best team – not some bullshit touchy-feely list by guys who watch a lot of SportsCenter and have two columns width in the local rag. Sports are not, and should never be subjective, but the polling system makes sure that stats, points, and victories are merely guidelines for fellas to decide who to crush on for the season. And for that, college football will always be as meaningless as the masturbatory fantasy sports leagues that so many of the same fanboys engage in.

Whoopdi Damn Do II: Idiot Boogaloo

Rosie, we hardly knew ye.

Whoopi Goldberg used her first day on the daytime chat show to defend Michael Vick in his dogfighting case, which is brilliant. Goldberg, the paradoxical black woman with a jewy stage name and a preference towards white men, said that "from where he comes from" in the South, dogfighting isn't that unusual.

"It's like cockfighting in Puerto Rico," she said. "There are certain things that are indicative to certain parts of the country." Many were waiting to hear her condone Appalachian inbreeding, the child sex trade in the Orient, and genital mutilation in Africa, but hey, she's no expert on those things. But she will

When questioned by co-host Joy Behar about canine torture and dog murdering, Goldberg replied that for many people, dogs are sport, and it appeared it took awhile for Vick to realize that he was up against serious charges. Pol Pot had that problem as well. Where is that fine line between sport and genocide?

"I just thought it was interesting, because it seemed like a light went off in his head when he realized this was something that the entire country didn't appreciate," she said. I think she said that after the Ted Danson blackface incident too. Well Ted, I appreciated it.

Douchebag, Reconsidering...

Sen. Larry Craig is reconsidering his decision to resign after his arrest in a Minnesota airport sex sting and may still fight for his Senate seat, his spokesman said Tuesday evening. No word out of his camp on a reconsideration on trying to hook up sex in an airport bathroom.

Of course, Craig has some very respectable attorneys advising him and defending the senator's actions. Billy Martin (red flag right there), one of Craig's lawyers, said the senator's arrest in an undercover police operation in the Minneapolis airport "raises very serious constitutional questions." Like, why is there no right to solicit gay sex in public restrooms?

Martin, who also represents Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick in his dogfighting case (second red flag), said Craig "has the right to pursue any and all legal remedies available as he begins the process of trying to clear his good name." What those are is anybody's guess, and I suspect going back in time to warn his earlier self not to get busted falls inside Martin's narrow view of the law.

Craig contended throughout last week he had done nothing wrong and said his only mistake was pleading guilty on Aug. 1 to a misdemeanor charge. Well, he's half right. Wanting gay sex is not wrong at all, just trying to get it in a place surrounded by folks who've been holding a piss in since Albuquerque is. So now, in action is a high-powered crisis management team that also includes communications adviser Judy Smith; Washington attorney Stan Brand, a former general counsel to the U.S. House; and Minneapolis attorney Tom Kelly. By the way, Brand, represented Major League Baseball in the congressional investigation into steroid use, and will handle any Senate Ethics Committee investigation of Craig. What a great fit that is, just behind hiring John Wayne Gacy for your kid's birthday party. What a terrific group of scumbags and liars for hire. I hope their plane hits a mountain on their flight into Boise to consult with Sen. Closet.

Let's not forget that Craig, pleaded guilty to a crime. That means it's over. Then he resigned his position as a result of being guilty. Double over! All this hoopla and media manipulation is just an ego trip to keep him from accepting his closeted homosexuality and shame for getting arrested, and the best part is that the more they try to spin the story, the more it keeps his gay, arrested profile in the spotlight. Just disappear into civilian life and live with the choices you made. Or at least show some dignity and reverence for the position by sticking to your departure, even though you clearly have none yourself. It's not a Christmas gift you can return because you changed your mind -- you asked for it, and boy, did you get it.

Fortunately, all three of Craig's adopted children said Tuesday they believe their father's assertions he is not gay and did nothing to warrant his arrest. While we can look at their stupid claims that their dad was in the wrong place at the wrong time (only when you get caught), let's just stay with the fact Craig married his wife in 1983 and then adopted three kids. Sure, lots of straight guys are that into adoption. Beard? Not in Idaho.

I defer to Jerry Lewis on this...

Slur-A-Thon

Way to go, Jerry.

Europeans Have A Different Point Of View Than Americans

From the country that brought you chocolate and waffles comes rational, reasonable conclusions!

A Belgian prosecutor on Tuesday recommended that the U.S.-based Church of Scientology stand trial for fraud and extortion, following a 10-year investigation that concluded the group should be labeled a criminal organization. How it took them ten years to figure out what takes the length of time it takes to watch the South Park episode on the "religion" is beyond me, but they came to the right conclusion.

Scientology said it would fight the criminal charges recommended by the probe, which also concluded that Scientology's Brussels-based Europe office and its Belgian missions conducted unlawful practices in medicine, violated privacy laws and used illegal business contracts.

An administrative court will decide whether to press charges against the Scientologists.

Scientology has been active in Belgium for nearly three decades. In 2003, it opened an international office near the headquarters of the European Union to lobby for its right to be recognized as an official religious group, a status it does not enjoy in Belgium. A Belgian parliamentary committee report in 1997 labeled Scientology a sect and investigations were launched into the group's finances and practices, such as the personality tests conducted on new members.

Investigators have spent the past decade trying to determine how far Scientology went in recruiting converts after numerous complaints were filed with police by ex-members alleging they'd been the victims of intimidation and extortion. Justice officials seized financial records, correspondence, bank statements and other papers in their decade-long probe to track the flow of money to Scientology. Police also raided the offices of several consultancy firms linked to the Church of Scientology.

Belgium, Germany and other European countries have been criticized by the State Department for labeling Scientology as a cult or sect and enacting laws to restrict its operations, and to them I say, you're doing a fine job...keep restricting. Space lunatics...

But It's Seven More than Zero

Baghdad has not met 11 of its 18 political and security goals, according to a new independent report on Iraq. That's a 38% success rate...woot woot!

The study, conducted by the Government Accountability Office, determined that four benchmarks — instead of two which they had originally ruled — had been partially met.

But GAO stuck with its original contention that only three major goals out of the 18 had been achieved. The goals met include establishing joint security stations in Baghdad, ensuring minority rights in the Iraqi legislature and creating support committees for the Baghdad security plan.

GAO's findings paint a bleaker view of progress in Iraq than offered by the president in July, who probably looked at their assessment and felt like something was achieved...let's not forget what kind of academic marks he got. That's actually better than his current approval rating.

All in all, even the non-partisan view of our progress in the war is bleak. Do I hear glasses clinking in Washington? This war is great!

All Our Base Are Belong To Them

In movies, everyone from teenagers to international terrorists can get in easier than a girl at a frat party, but back in reality, China's military managed the task of successfully hacking into the Pentagon's computer network, according to the Tuesday edition of the Financial Times.

The Chinese military's cyber attack was carried out in June following months of efforts, the London-based newspaper said, citing unnamed current and former US officials.

While the Pentagon declined to say who was behind the hacking, or better, disclose that the event occurred, intelligence points to China's People's Liberation Army. The paper said both the US and Chinese militaries were widely assumed to conduct computer espionage on each other. Reports of China hacking into German government systems were also raised last week at a meeting between the Chinese Premier and the visiting German Chancellor.

When foreign newspapers are running stories ahead of your government and media then they are probably true. It's no surprise they got into our system, considering the numerous government laptops that have been lost over the years as well as the human element of spies and agents, but why don't we hear stories from other governments alleging their own breaches and espionage? The Russians and Cubans would point at the U.S. all the time to bring our shady moves into the light in order to embarrass us, and at least the public knew we we doing the things our government would deny. So is it just assumed we're tapped in to everybody or are we not as good at getting into everyone else's infrastructure?

One thing is for sure, we need not worry about China's breach - the worst they can do at the moment is get lead on our Pentagon computers, resulting in a recall.

What You Am

Looks like they need to get a Newer Bohemian.

Jeffrey Carter Albrecht, keyboard player for the band Edie Brickell & New Bohemians, was shot to death early Monday while trying to kick in the door of his girlfriend's neighbor, police said.

Believing a burglar was trying to break in, the neighbor fired a shot through the door around 4 a.m., killing Albrecht at the scene. It was not clear why Albrecht went to the house and no arrests have been made as the case is still being investigated.

While local musicians and friends all peg Albrecht as a soft spoken, non-violent person, nobody said anything about him being stupid. Because you just don't start practicing karate kicks on your girlfriend's neighbor's door in the middle of the night without getting shot. That's, like, common knowledge or something.

Sheefeater

England finally has a female Yeoman Ward.

Moira Cameron, 42, is the first female Beefeater since the guards began duty in 1485. The position requires 22 years in the Forces to become eligible for the post. Cameron spent the past two months undergoing intensive training to learn the 21 separate duties the Beefeaters perform each day, including the Ceremony of the Keys. Other duties involve giving visitors a guided tour and making sure the Crown Jewels are kept safe.

The nickname Beefeaters is thought to derive from the daily ration of meat they received. That, or their aggressive homosexual tendencies.

Crumbling Empire

I watched David Lynch's INLAND EMPIRE yesterday. Or better, I tried to watch.

I have long been a Lynch fan, but I think this is where I start to consider if I need to see anymore of his work. The Lynch of the last decade has been far less linear and comprehensibly arranged than his past work, and for an auteur who deals in surrealism, it's frighteningly easy to completely go off the rails. Both Lost Highway and Mullholland Dr. dealt with identity and reality, as does INLAND EMPIRE, and like Mullholland Dr. there is a firm focus on stars, fame, and the filmmaking process.

The film itself is situated around the premise of an actress who gets a part in a film and starts loosing touch with what is and isn't real life. Is her romance with her co-star part of the film with a film or reality? If I was able to sit through the almost three hours of disjointed, fragmented film I could tell you. To get a synopsis, you're better off going here. I made it only through the first hour and by then I was too bored by the sluggish pace and bothered by the technical aspects of the movie.

The film, shot entirely in digital video, and often handheld, makes the movie look like a student production, which given Lynch's ability to compose and create a shot is tragic. Sadly, Lynch says he will continue to shoot exclusively in DV. Like a student production, the scenes were often poorly and unevenly lit, which did little to help the visual quality. And then there was the sound. If somebody actually did the sound recording, they should be barred from the industry. Half the time the dialogue was too soft to hear, cauing me to have to back the DVD up several times to try and hear what was said, only to move on after determining the inaudibility. The extra 10 dB I had to listen to the movie at didn't help at all -- and that's 10 dBs louder than where I listen to well mixed films with explosions and music going on with dialogue still clearly distinguishable.

In a 2005 interview, Lynch spoke about the shooting process of INLAND EMPIRE, saying that, "I’ve never worked on a project in this way before. I don’t know exactly how this thing will finally unfold... This film is very different because I don’t have a script. I write the thing scene by scene and much of it is shot and I don’t have much of a clue where it will end. " Big mistake. While we now know what happens when Lynch gets a DV and just starts shooting, it is not anywhere near the caliber of his skill or credits.

Isolating any moment of film will get you a image that is very Lynch in composition and color, but string them all together and run it at 24 fps and you lose much of that art, which is the only positive technical aspect of the film. The actors are fantastic, but with such weak material and plot, it's no more than a series of exercises testing their emotional range like a set of audition pieces. There have been less and less moments of greatness from Lynch, starting with Lost Highway and continuing through Mullholland Dr. to this current disaster, which when held up against Wild At Heart or Twin Peaks or even the "mainstream" Dune, is harder to take as a fan.

INLAND EMPIRE was so bad an experience I was forced to watch Blue Velvet just to forget what I had seen.

Mega-Tool

Elwood "Bunky" Bartlett (goddamn, another great name!) says a book store made it possible for him to become an overnight multimillionaire. That and some river nymphs and the harvest moon and some really neat crystals.

He and his wife (yeah, that was a surprise to me too), Denise, were on their way to the Mystickal Voyage New Age bookstore and shop where he occasionally teaches Wicca and Reiki when they stopped at a liquor store and bought two $5 Mega Millions tickets for Friday, one of which yielding the winning numbers.

Bartlett, an accountant, said he made a bargain with the multiple gods associated with his Wiccan beliefs: "You let me win the lottery and I'll teach." Great. That's like giving a UFO abductee millions of dollars to continue to spread their ludicrous tales. I'd feel better if the guy who lives down the street who's trying to build a rocket car in his garage had that money. It would probably be less dangerous to us as a society, and I am taking into account he's got a good shot at blowing up his place.

I'm not sure what bothers me more, that the silly Wicca "religion" gets attention drawn to it, or that the guy who won looks like a cross between a lesbian and Francis Buxton from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. In fact, pretty much all Wiccan people look like lesbians. Not the sexy videotape ones, but like middle aged women from the Northwest. And no, I'm not afraid of pissing Wiccans off - they can only use their magic for good purposes and they can't cast spells on unwilling people. One of 'em told me that, I swear. And besides, they're too busy getting ready for the Ren Faire to care what I say.

My Balls, Thoroughly Busted

Meet Lissandra, who totally rode my tits all night at my cousin's daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

This athletic and spry Latina made it her mission to harass me for not dancing, then not dancing enough, and then dancing poorly. Sure, she caught me goofing around during Salt N' Pepa's "Push It" -- and told me that I should sit down for the rest of the night, but Yours Famously can move it at least better than your intoxicated uncle. Of course, I couldn't hold a candle to her limber undulating, but damn it, that's why you're getting paid to wiggle and jiggle while I sit with my mother.

Miami is full of fiery chicas like her, with sick bodies and serpentine grace, who I will gladly watch as they visualize the music, and who will make sure to come over and gut me before I even glance in their direction. That my friends is a brutal lesson of life that gets handed to you even when you think you're just going to be dancing the Hora and loading up at the open bar for the evening.

Pimp My War

Bored with life on his family's South Carolina horse farm, Willard McCormick decided that military service was the right plan for his future -- and when the Army dangled its new, $20,000 recruiting bonus in front of him, the decision got a lot easier.

"I wasn't going to go right away, but I heard about the bonus and decided to jump on it," McCormick, 19, said a couple of days after signing up.

Let's just stop there and assess.

First, I can hardly believe there was somebody born since 1985 who was actually named Willard. Knowing he lives on his SC family farm cushions the blow, but wow. The notion that kids these days are either looking at shoveling horse shit or taking mortar fire from insurgents as their options means we do not have adequate scholastic programs to train our youth to achieve higher or lack birth control education to keep dumb motherfuckers with only those two futures to comprehend from being spawned. And my favorite part -- we're out $20K to this clown who was already planing to go get himself killed so that Halliburton can get their Q4 profits up. It's all part of a fast track program to get more warm bodies into the line of fire while enlarging our occupying force.

This new bonus comes with a "Quick Ship" provision, cutting the average 40-day wait time between sign-up and departure for basic training, because you got to die sooner, otherwise all those bonuses could get claimed, and that's a lot to pay out. Half the bonus is paid out on completion of basic training and training in individual specialties, while the remainder is to be doled out over the course of active-duty enlistment, which must be for at least two years. That means the next administration will not only have to extract us from the Middle East, but find a way to eliminate this additional deficit that's been tacked on to the whole sordid affair.

Since the bonus was unveiled in July, more than 6,200 recruits have signed up to begin basic training before Oct. 1, a move that boosts end-of-fiscal year recruiting numbers. Old white men in the Pentagon must be elated. After missing its monthly recruiting goals for two consecutive months, the Army announced in August that it had slightly exceeded its target for July. It signed up 9,972 people, up from the 9,750 it was hoping for. Expect those 20,000 reasons to entice more backwoods knobs in the months to come.

Despite the possibility of being sent to fight in Iraq and Afghanistan, those opting for the Army bonus seem to have already made up their minds to join the military — they just haven't settled on which branch to join, an Army recruiter said.

"It helps to solidify their decision."

So we're already spending billions to fight this war, and now our tax dollars are going to yahoos already planning to get shot for America? What's next? Giving criminals money before they steal it or get it through illegal means? Free blow jobs to every john planning to engage an escort? Spicing the pot helps when there's no decision to be made, not when it's already been.

I know these human targets are coming from some pretty fiscally underdeveloped areas, but dangling a $20K carrot is not the magic solution to growing the army and winning the war, especially when it relies on the rest of the country's dime. I absolutely support the soldiers and reject the war, but every one of these GIs who sucks an extra $20K out of America who was already planning to go enlist ought to come home as unidentifiable ground meat in a bodybag. Hell, go Private Pyle in basic and save us the initial $10,000.

Bad Andy

Brian Bonsall, aka Andy Keaton in "Family Ties," pleaded guilty to third-degree assault involving his girlfriend, getting two years' probation and three other charges dismissed under the plea agreement.

He was arrested in March after his girlfriend told police he poured an alcoholic drink on her face while she slept, put her in a choke hold and threw her onto a bed when she tried to leave. He claims it was in self-defense after she cut his arm and face with a steak knife. She denied the claim and wasn't charged in the case. If you are still wondering how such a sweet young former child actor ended up in such a predicament, and furthermore how the story ends, here's the best sentence of the whole story.

Bonsall, who is working in construction and playing in a band, has gotten back together with his girlfriend and they are in couples counseling.

I always knew this kid would be trouble. Just look at how he handles his iced creams.