(a)Live This December

Sorry / you're welcome for the lack of posts in 2013...lots going on that doesn't make for interesting or funny blogging.  But important things like a long awaited MAGNA show will get posted.

Scarlett XXX

My wife would kill me knowing I'm calling her 30th birthday "XXX", but she doesn't read this blog anyway, so I'm safe(ish).  Now if there was a way to make Scarlett truly XXX...

Love ya, babe.

MAGNA - Awake Ancient

Sure, my posts have been few and far between lately, but I have to break interweb silence to put these "trailers" up.  It's a kick ass album...if you like music, you need to buy it.  And if you don't like music, get it and take a listen so you can like music.

Pigs In A Steel Blanket

Americans have a new way to offend the world's Muslims, dead or alive.

Jihawg Ammo sells boxes of gun cartridges that are made with pork products, which they think are deterrents to potential terrorists (y'know, because they don't eat pork because of their religious beliefs). "With Jihawg Ammo, you don't just kill an Islamist terrorist, you also send him to hell," the company's press release state. "That should give would-be martyrs something to think about before they launch an attack. If it ever becomes necessary to defend yourself and those around you our ammo works on two levels." Brendon and Julie Hill, who developed the technology for the cartridges with his wife, started the company as a tongue-in-cheek way to stand up to radical Islamic terrorists. "We're having some fun with it," Hill said. "It's the proverbial middle finger back to political correctness."

Since they launched their website this Spring, the Hills "have been inundated with orders" for their custom cartridges, which retail for about $20 for a box of cartridges, but did not release sales figures.

I'm pretty sure Muslims do not believe in hell, and certainly not the Christian place purchasers think they're going to shoot them into. And unless you can well the info over your gunfire, or you're in a gun battle in a Jihawg Ammunition factory, I doubt there's much fear or a threat to them.

Toe Jammin'

Manscaping Will Be A Lot Faster Now

Wesley Warren Jr. had balls!  Or at least he used to have a giant one.

The 49-year-old had a 13 hour procedure to remove the 100 pound testicle that had grown so swollen that he wore a hoodie as a makeshift pair of pants. "I know the majority of people are probably expecting me to express extreme happiness and glee that my life has been transformed since the sac has been removed - but it’s not as simple as that," said Wesley. "I do feel a great sense of comfort that the weight is no longer between my legs. It got to the point that it was a danger to my health. But when I look down at what’s here now it’s not the same as what it was. It’s totally different."

Yeah, no shit...you're missing that repugnant monster scrote!

But no, he disagrees, "My natural look prior to the growth is not what came out of surgery. What came out of surgery is a nub an inch long and it doesn't get any larger. I’m grateful to have been pulled out of the fire, I was getting burned, but now I’m dealing with the first degree burns. I’m still disfigured."

Hmmm, nice metaphor, but i don't understand how a perfectly normal penis becomes a Hedwig sized bit just because the thing below it comes out. Then again, I don't know how you let that thing get to be 20 pounds, let alone 50 or 100. But good on you Wesley...now go buy some real pants.

Tasty Idioms

 

Gettin' Lucky Time(period) After Time

Weekend Edition

Counting down the top 20 links we didn't cover during the week...

20 • The Hilarious Difference Between Google And Bing In One Picture - Okay, maybe not hilarious. Which one of those search engines came up with that hyperbole?

19 • How Marc Maron Picks Music For His Show - A neurotic dart board?

18 • How To Use Math To Dominate At Monopoly - Interesting read, horrible layout with a million giant photos.

17 • J. Cole: Gun-Toting Twitter Fan Investigated By Police - Illegal? Potentially. Great photo? Definitely.

16 • The Quotable Darryl Sutter (2013) - Pearls of wisdom and knowledge from the L.A. Kings coach.

15 • Drunk Alaska Man Mauled After Feeding BBQ To Black Bear - In the bear's defense, he wanted fish, not ribs (even though he had some).

14 • Paraplegic Castrated At Pennsylvania Facility / Three Charged With Enslaving Disabled Ohio Mom, Child - These states share a border. And lunatics.

13 • Gruesome Video Appears To Be Aftermath Of Michael Hastings' Car Crash - Here's your chance to watch a wrecked car burn for five minutes. And if this ain't your cup of tea, you'll want to skip #4 for sure.

12 • Researchers Have Found A Way To Cram 1,000 Terabytes Onto A Single DVD - The disc said it was quite uncomfortable.

11 • The Academy Of Motion Pictures Currently Employs An Ex-Porn Director - Naturally...how else could the MPAA continue to screw people.

10 • A Battery So Small, You'll Never Know If It's Included - There's AA and AAA now, but this means AAAAAAAAAAAA is coming.

09 • Amanda Bynes: ‘I Got My Breast Implants Removed’ - 2013's boob of the year had hers normalized, but still has metal spikes in her cheeks and is out of her goddamn mind.

08 • AMA Declares Obesity A Disease - Huge (no pun intended) mistake. Lack of willpower does not have a prescription cure.

07 • Hollywood & Highland Allegation: She Took Picture Of Transients, They Stabbed Her To Death - My suggestion to kill all the homeless is worse than rounding them up for work interment camps, but I still theink both are effective ways to deal with the issue.

06 • Dim Star Becomes 7 Times Hotter In 160 Seconds - Not a reference to the Amanda Bynes story.

05 • Starbucks Raising Prices Despite Lower Bean Cost - The reason is because the, uh...because now it's more expensive to, um...oh, fuck it. They just greedy.

04 • Plane With Wing Walker Crashes At Ohio Show; 2 Die - The announcer is just making it worse before the actual crash.

03 • Standing Man: Turkey's Eerie, Powerful New Protest Movement - Far more successful than Sitting Man and Prone Man.

02 • Snake Expert Killed By Snake While Helping People With Fear Of Snakes - Or, ironic death ironically adds to irony.

01 • British Spy Agency Is Saving Everyone's Email And Calls Too - Nice to see our colonial progenitors are keeping up with their kids.

Saturday Morning Video - Holly, The ASL Interpreter

The Wu-Tang Clan and R. Kelly, among other acts, had a little ASL help at Bonnaroo. Lydia Callas, you're on notice...

 

Some Of The Other Game Of Thrones Related Programs

GMpotle

Chipotle has dealt with controversy before, but none like the one they are courting.

The company recently became the first fast-food chain to label the ingredients it uses which contain GMOs.  Of course, the list is buried deep in its website, and not listed at locations, but those looking can see 12 of the 24 ingredients listed on the site are affixed with a red "G" -- indicating the presence of GMOs. The GMO-containing ingredients include all tortillas and rice, as well as all of the varieties of meat (except pork carnitas). The company has previously campaigned for legislation to mandate the labeling of GMOs in all venues, and while they would like to eliminate GMOs, they claim that it's impossible to find reliable sources of corn and soybeans that don't include them.

Only Whole Foods and Ben and Jerry's have announced similar plans to label GMO ingredients in advance of any legal requirement to do so, and while they are may cause debate, being the early adopter may prove better for the companies in the long run as consumers are forced to accept the divisive ingredients.

I Guess I Could Watch This After I Finish S4 On Netflix

Why They Rely On Their, Uh...Assets

Porn stars without being made up is an eye opening pair of galleries when they're not camera ready...it's a fantasy crushing glimpse at the bad skin and average looks are the real faces of the industry.

If Only The Fashion Police Had Real Powers

Fashion design duo Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana debuted a new label for their famed line, and it's not the kind that's sewn in...it's "felon".

The pair were each given a suspended prison sentence of 20 months for allegedly hiding hundreds of millions of euros from the tax authorities. The case dates back to an investigation in 2008, when authorities began a tax avoidance crackdown which ensnared the designers. The judge ruled Wednesday that the pair sold their brand to Luxembourg-based holding company Gado in 2004 to avoid declaring taxes on royalties of about $1.3 billion.

We can argue that celebrities and the rich never truly pay for their crimes, as evidenced here, but that would only be in place of the argument about how this limp verdict spent time and money without any return, rather than see the country deal with the staggering unemployment and fiscal issues it has.

Heart Attack Whack

Everybody has something sweet to say...too soon, Jimmy.

Photoshop Gives The Interweb The Racial Diversity From Their Stars It Wants

At Least He's Got The Right Wardrobe For Going On Interviews

George Zimmer, who often sold his Men's Warehouse chain in commercials saying, "You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it", may not like the way he feels.

The executive chairman and highly recognizable pitchman was fired with no reason given by the clothing retailer. Zimmer did address the rift via a written statement, saying, "instead of fostering the kind of dialogue in the boardroom that has, in part, contributed to our success, the board has inappropriately chosen to silence my concerns by terminating me as an executive officer."

Zimmer, who owned owned 1.8 million shares of the company (3.5%), brought in spiritual leader Deepak Chopra as a member of the company's board in 2004, and pumped his own money into California's failed Proposition 19 in 2010, which would have legalized marijuana in the state. He also instituted the policy for new hires that didn't include background checks, because he believed that everyone deserves a second chance.

Company stock finished down on account of the news, but still near its 52-week high, and is up 20% since the start of the year. Does that mean the face of the brand is not going impact their profits? That remains to be seen, but it does mean that there won't be anymore commercials with him cruising around like a weird version of the Most Interesting Man In The World...those kinda sucked.

Yellow Brick, Indeed

Stoya!

Girl-next-door porn star Stoya recently gave an interview on the Huffington Post, which revealed the unfortunate repercussions of her business.

"My dad is purely just angry that I ruined porn for him...[He's mad] because I couldn't, like, just do a few scenes, I had to sign with a big company," she said. Oh, the irony! The worst is when ads for her signature model Fleshlight sex toy - a molded version of her vaj, pop up on the porn sites he goes to.

We can chicken-and-egg the whole thing about what came first (hint: not her father, apparently), but I think the take away is to download movie and clips from torrent sites that won't point out your parental failings rather than stream video.

Slava!

They had an respectable title defense, but now that the Los Angeles Kings have only next season to look forward to, what bright spots are there? How about a $25 million Russian blueliner?

Slava Voynov will be retained for the next six seasons at a manageable $4.16 million per year, after continuing the excellent play which made him a breakout star in last year's cup winning season. His six goals and 13 points, with a team high plus-minus rating +9 in 18 postseason games helped set team records for most goals scored by a defenseman in a playoff year and most game-winning goals scored in a playoff year. During the abbreviated 48 game regular season, he set career marks in points (25) and assists (19).

Given the league-wide quagmire with the salary cap dropping 9%, and the team facing some touch choices with their remaining free agents, it's good to see the rising star will be with the team through the end of the decade.

Know Your Place In The Universe

Inside Betty White's Colon

If there's going to some celebrity news on the site, it won't be about shitty D-listers getting their funbags enhanced!

Betty White, who's 91, eats a hot dog and french fries for lunch. Every day. This question, which plagued no one was answered as she was followed around as "Hot In Cleveland" prepared for it's first live episode. She also has Starbucks blueberry muffins when she arrives at work and also keeps her dressing room stocked with Red Vines. Exciting, right? No. But I had a chance to use this photo from my archive of things downloaded over the years, and make this link useful.

Slow news day...sorry. I'm less shocked at all the shit she eats (and why not given how much time is left) as I am that "Hot In Cleveland" has been on the air for five seasons.

The King Of Limbs

Lizards can detach their tails and regrow them, just as other amphibians can regenerate limbs, and now humans may soon be able to.

Researchers studying mice, discovered that stem cells beneath the nail were crucial to digit regrowth.   The base of the mice's nails house stem cells, and special proteins in the Wnt signaling pathway (which are very active in embryonic nail and limb growth in the womb) have been the focus of new testing.  "Normal" mice were able to regenerate their toe and toenails five weeks after amputation, but subjects treated with a drug to block the pathway as well as mice whose digits were amputated too far back, were unable to regrow anything.

My guess is that they will find out how far back they can regrow a part, and then massage the stems cells to work past that point.  And I beleive the natural conclusion once it's all said and done in the future is for guys to be chopping off their junk so that they can be regrown bigger...you heard it here first!

54°40′ Or Whatever

When a straight line is not so straight...

Spencer, Currently Not For Hire

Cocksman "Mr. Marcus" was sentenced today for knowingly exposing at least two of his adult film co-stars to syphilis after testing positive for the disease days earlier. Don't these people watch his films? I see a lot of sexy times happening in jail...though maybe those are just sets.

Jesse Spencer (42) pleaded no contest to one count of exposing another to a communicable disease, and in addition to 30 days in jail, he gets 36 months probation and 15 days of community labor, which will most likely be picking up trash on the side of the road with a thingy. Not that thingy.  Conveniently, Spencer has been in police custody since May 22 following a separate DUI arrest.

Current sex film practice requires adult film actors to undergo routine testing for several different sexual transmitted diseases, which yielded the positive result for Spencer last year. On July 13, 2012, Spencer received a penicillin shot after testing positive for syphilis, but continued to test positive following a second screening on July 21.  He obscured the syphilis result on a photocopy to continue working, but two actresses made a police report after a producer noticed the form had been altered. Who says those ladies are stupid? But they're still disappointing to their parents...

Fortunately, none of the actresses contracted syphilis as a result of exposure to Spencer, and saving money for community college and raising children as single mothers could go unabated.

Looking For A Silver Sugar Momma

In turns out the winner of last month's $590 million Powerball jackpot was an 84-year-old woman from Florida...what a fucking waste.

Florida Lottery officials made the announcement after Gloria C. Mackenzie came forward - with assistance, to claim the prize. Mackenzie took the single lump-sum payment, which is pretty sensible, and comes out to around $370 million before taxes. Officials say she is the largest sole lottery winner in U.S. history, though not necessarily the oldest. She did not speak to reporters outside lottery headquarters, possibly due to a feeding tube or breathing apparatus, though neither can be confirmed.

She bought the winning ticket at Publix supermarket in Zephyrhills, a town of about 13,300 people located 30 miles northeast of Tampa, which should be spelled Zephyr Hills, so it doesn't look like some kind of venereal disease or a cholesterol medication.

My Mom-Mom is in her 90's and living in an assisted care facility, but thinks she is 16 and at the  shore during the summer instead of buying lotto tickets, and doesn't have a third of a billion to leave her offspring - in case you were wondering.

Controlled Chaos

I love the concept of a 12 hour shitstorm once a year where all crime is legal, and I love that Scartoe is getting me on the lot for a preview before the film comes out this week.

RIP, Ray

Before you slip into unconsciousness

I'd like to have another kiss

Another flashing chance at bliss

Another kiss, another kiss

The days are bright and filled with pain

Enclose me in your gentle rain

The time you ran was too insane

We'll meet again, we'll meet again

Oh tell me where your freedom lies

The streets are fields that never die

Deliver me from reasons why

You'd rather cry, I'd rather fly

The crystal ship is being filled

A thousand girls, a thousand thrills

A million ways to spend your time

When we get back, I'll drop a line

Between Two Kegstands

Just because Spring Break is over doesn't mean it can't rock an anthem.

Some Are More Equal Than Others

Mark Laita's series, Created Equal, documents "social inequality by placing photos of US citizens who appear to be the opposites of each other side by side".  Here are some of my favorites...

Lingerie Model / Woman in Girdle

Gang Member / Mafioso

 Astronaut / Alien Abductee

 . French Chef / Short Order Cook

Catholic Nuns / Prostitutes

Get Some Go Again

Marriage is about team work. Like raising a child. Or holding down an intruder while your spouse stabs them.

As her husband fought with an trespasser, the woman grabbed a knife and stabbed the stranger to death, said sheriff investigators.  The corpse apparently was the same man who robbed the woman in the North Bend, WA home Sunday, just 12 hours earlier!  The couple's baby daughter and the wife's mother were also in the home about 1:40 a.m. this morning when the couple were awakened by barking dogs.

The intruder entered the house through an unlocked door Sunday and assaulted the wife, getting away with some cash. She didn't get a good look at him because her hair was grabbed from behind, slapped and punched in the face, and suffered an ankle injury when she was dragged by her hair.  I'm going to guess that she was thrilled to have a second shot at her assailant with less disadvantage.

Investigators don't believe the residents know the intruder and there's nothing to indicate why the house was attacked, let alone twice.  But let that be a warning to would-be robbers and thieves - returning to the scene of the crime can exacerbate any preexisting conditions, like say, knife allergies.

# Reverse Sweep

So yeah...the Kings came back from a 0-2 hole to win four games in a row and boot the St. Louis Blues out of the 1st round on Saturday night.

These Would Have Made Nolan's Trilogy A Bit Different

Heavy On The Ass

I don't play too many video games, but I sure do read a lot about them on the interweb.

Edward Kenway, the protagonist of the upcoming Assassin's Creed IV is a typical hero for an action video game.  But Reddit user Zinadello13, noticed that Kenway bears a striking resemblance to Capt. Edward Reynolds.  No, not a historical figure.  He's the main character from Pirates.

The most expensive porn movie ever made.

Evan Stone, who starred in the 2005 film (and other such fanfare as Anal Kinksters 2, Sweet Summer Sex Kittens, Sailor Poon: A XXX Interactive Parody, My Stepdaughter Tossed My Salad 6) does look to be a possible model for the character.  And both are named Edward. But the true comparative test will be when Assassin's Creed IV comes out - if there's an attack move with your dick...

News Of Thrones

In recent promo tour for the 3rd season of Game Of Thrones, Charles "Tywin Lannister" Dance alluded to a 4th season...and that's only some of the recent awesome news.

It didn't take long for previous seasons to get green-lit, but getting a fourth season before the debut of the third is excellent.  Plus the third novel of the series, A Storm Of Swords, was split up, with only the first half being included in the new season, so it not be left unfinished...at least that book.

And as far as completing books four and five (and the unfinished book six), showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss have it under control.  “We have the opportunity here to tell a coherent story that lasts for 80 hours,” they said, assuming HBO keeps re-upping the rest of the story.  “We gave up other opportunities because we love these books and want to do them justice."  And there's no reason not to expect them to see it through, as ratings have steadily grown, from 2.2 million viewers when the show debuted to 4.2 million on the final Season 2 episode.

Of course, everything related to the show is hot, including Emilia "Daenerys Targaryen" Clarke, who is currently on Broadway in Breakfast At Tiffany's.  So hot that management at the theater had had to beef up security to enforce their no photography rule. Clarke, who has been going from a strategically placed towel to naked in a bubble bath.  Folks in the balcony are getting a better view, but the best, and certainly least expensive one is a web search for her Season 1 scenes.  Plus you're spared having to deal with the theater crowd. 

Beach House - "Wishes"

Comic Album Homages

See them all here...

The Only Terrorist To Comfortably Seat Five

Car manufacturers usually make up a stupid name for their newest products...and that usually works better than using existing words that are poorly researched.

Kia's new concept car, the Provo, is rankling British lawmakers, who are asking the South Korean car makers to change the name.  "Provo" was the street name for the dominant branch of the outlawed Irish Republican Army. Y'know, the Provisional IRA that killed nearly 1,800 people during a 27 year campaign to force Northern Ireland out of the UK that ended in 1997.

Kia insist their experimental prototype was named to suggest "provocative," and would not market any future car as a Provo in the United Kingdom or Republic of Ireland.   Cars also not getting released in certain parts of the world are Ford's Slavemaster mini-van in the US, the Peugeot Colonist SUV in Africa and southeast Asia  and the Mercedes Kristallnacht coupe, well, everywhere. 

Maserati @ The Satellite 3/5

 

Killer show by Maserati, who are touring behind their latest album with new drummer Mike Albanese.

Pantone On The Menu

More pairings courtesy of David Schwen...