House For Sale

The House Of Ideas is moving to the House Of Mouse.

The Walt Disney Co. is buying Marvel Entertainment Inc. for $4 billion in cash and stock, putting Iron Man and Spider-Man into the family of Mickey Mouse and WALL-E. Under the deal, which is expected to close by the end of the year, Disney will acquire the rights to 5,000 Marvel characters. Many of them, including the Fantastic Four and the X-Men, were co-created by comic book legends Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.

Disney CEO Robert Iger said Marvel's comic books, TV shows, movies and video games amounted to "a treasure trove of content", and the deal would bring benefits like the ones Disney got from buying Toy Story creator Pixar Animation Studios Inc. for $7.4 billion in stock in 2006. "The acquisition of Marvel offers us a similar opportunity to advance our strategy to build a business that is stronger than the sum of its parts."

For Marvel, Iger said being in the Disney camp would mean better global distribution and better relationships with retailers to sell its products. Rival comic book maker DC Comics (home of Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman) has been under the Warner Bros. banner since 1969.

One point of the deal is to help Disney appeal to young men who have flocked to theaters to see Marvel superheroes such as Iron Man in recent years. That contrasts with Disney's recent successes among young women with such fare as Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. Marvel television shows also already account for 20 hours per week of programming on Disney's recently rebranded, boy-focused cable network, Disney XD, and that looks likely to increase.

A market analyst noted that that the $4 billion offer was at "full price."

Although it began producing its own movies, starting with Iron Man last year, Marvel has several deals with other movie studios that Disney said it will honor and re-examine upon expiration. For example, Spider-Man 4, set for release in 2011, is being made with Columbia Pictures; Iron Man 2 will be distributed by Paramount Pictures next year; and the upcoming X-Men Origins: Magneto and X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2, both due in 2011, are to be distributed by 20th Century Fox. Pixar also had third-party licensing agreements that eventually expired.

While I'm happy my favorite comic company is getting a larger springboard into the market, I hope that doesn't mean the Disney mantle will soften and weaken the brand by making it too family friendly.

Season 2 Chapter 14

After crossing the midpoint, it's all downhill, but we won't coast simply to the end of our tale! His Words - Not Mine still has a few more twists and turns left...even if we haven't figured them out yet.

CATMOSH!!!

C9nnibal Flower Weekend

The big thing this weekend (other than enjoying a 4th day of 100 degree heat in a downtown warehouse to work on Saturday) is the 9 year anniversary of Cannibal Flower. Funny that ever since I started working downtown, CF started to jump locations monthly instead of sitting conveniently close down the street.

It's been a real pleasure taking in some amazing underground art as well has having MAGNA perform in a space what is truly suited to our artistic approach to music. Knowing many of the artists who have shown there as well as owning several pieces that have had the fortune of being displayed, it will be nice to celebrate the accomplishments of Cannibal Flower with them, knowing that the underground is still alive and well after almost a decade. That news alone is the best of the week.

Not good enough? Fine, how about this:

Police in Florida city used the promise of economic stimulus checks to lure 76 people to their arrest on a variety of outstanding warrants. You're a horrible place, but you actually did something right. The Fort Lauderdale Police Department set up "Operation Show Me the Money" to round up people wanted on charges ranging from second-degree murder to guns and drug charges to failure to pay child support. "Operation Arrest College Kids At Spring Break" was such a success, but really only gave the department one solid win a year.

Using the name of the fictitious "South Florida Stimulus Coalition," police mailed letters asking the suspects to call an undercover phone line and make appointments to claim their money. When they showed up at an auditorium and presented their identification, they were led to an area where uniformed police were waiting to arrest them. Police said such roundups are safer and more efficient than serving warrants at people's homes. "You totally control the environment whereas when you're walking up to someone's home there's an unknown factor there," police said obviously.

The operation ended this week, and authorities declined to say how much money the suspects were offered. "They were not large dollar amounts," they said. "No one was promised thousands of dollars." And that's what made it believable for Florida - stimulus checks for $62.35.

Worst of the week: Trouble brewing in Malaysia! (chortle!)

I know that there's not many (any?) hardcore Islamic readers of this site, but if there are, could you please tell me why all the countries where your theocratic governments and zealot societies can't see the church from the state have insane punishments for the most harmless of actions?

Kartika Sari Dewi Shukarno had originally been scheduled to enter a women's prison, but was abruptly turned around and sent home. She was to be lashed six times with a rattan cane...for drinking a beer.

Beer, wine and liquor is widely available at shops, bars and restaurants in Malaysia, unlike in more austere Islamic nations such as Iran and Pakistan. The Christians, Hindus, Sikhs and other minorities in Malaysia are free to consume alcohol but its Shariah law forbids Muslims — who make up 60% population — from drinking. Islamic morality police, the enforcement officials of the Islamic Religious Department, arrested Kartika in a raid for drinking beer at a hotel lounge at a beach resort in December 2007. The sentenced caning will be carried out after the current Muslim fasting month of Ramadan, largely in part to the Attorney General's office advise to delay it for "compassionate reasons". Ramadan began Saturday and will end in mid-September.

So to recap, in a country where morality police operate under a governmental religious department and enforce laws that do not apply to all citizens of the country, your punishment, that could never possibly fit the crime, will be delayed and called compassionate as those who seek to initiate such asinine and absurd laws need to keep their consciences clear when they enter their most holy periods of religious fanaticism.

If you were banning Muslims from seeing the Black Eyed Peas concert for being shitty and not because of religious intolerance of anything remotely out of step with your medieval beliefs, I could maybe get behind your position. But you're batshit crazy and completely backwards. Islunatics!

Special news of the day: Silence is golden.

Late breaking news today was that DJ AM, aka a really shitty disc jockey that became a celebrity for playing records for psuedo-celebrities at supposedly hot nightclubs, died. And that suits me just fine.

Now all you stay-at-home moms who are agast at my cool moral platitudes, or morons who think Entourage is a blueprint for coolness, shut up and prepare to have some education dropped on you (like it was hot).

You should know that my shit is old school. Like hating his weak ass, no-talent act from back in the day. Since this is the Year Of Dead Celebrities, let us hope that Good Charlotte and other useless meatsticks also do their part and die to make this world better. Yes, Samuel Ronson, you too are are getting close to your fifteenth minute of inexplicable existence outside a North Hollywood LGBT club - time to die.

DJ AM was to DJing as Milli Vanilli was to singing. Or the Detroit Lions were to a perfect season. Or Republicans are to telling the truth and progressive thinking. Or Twilight is to great literature. Must I continue?

When Heath Ledger decided to accidentally OD, we lost a talented performer who gave us a taste of his abilities in the posthumous The Dark Knight Returns. When DJ AM took a little too much of his crack pipe and prescription pills (yes, that's what they found there), we lost nothing, and who leave behind a playable character in the upcoming DJ Hero videogame. Clearly, I don't feel anything bad about seeing his death as, well, not bad. Because it really shows how unimportant he was and how shallow and phoney the celebrity circlejerk realm is.

And how do we know this? Because of the twatting. Grief, can you be contained in 140 characters? Perhaps not. But all the opportunists came out to catch a slice of his dim, dead spotlight with their own poignant, touching thoughts that had to be shared publicly. You're only as important as the thread you twat on, I guess. Lohag, Titty Perry, Ashton Doucher, Scientologist Masterson, Herpes Hilton, P. Douchie, Fall Out Pete, Heidi Yawntag, and the always ineffective None Gayer Than John Mayer were only a few celebritards getting in on the action. Interesting how no real DJs have anything to say on the matter...Paul Oakenfold, Kid Koala, The X-ecutioners, Mr. Scruff, DJ Q-Bert, Cut Chemist, DJ Food, Aphex Twin, Coldcut, Amon Tobin, DJ Shadow, The Herbaliser - all quiet. DJ AM was a poseur (fancy spelling because he was an extra big douchenozzle).

The cherry on top is that DJ AM recently announced an upcoming MTV reality series, tentatively titled "Gone Too Far," which had just completed shooting. The show was designed to help young people whose lives had been turned upside down due to drug dependencies. You better make sure you got those addictions of your own in check first before you think you're capable of helping others. Credibility = zero. And my question is, does MTV air the sucker? Or do they lose their balls like sister station VH1 with their millionaire murderer?

Literally like Final Destination (and the one that adds more irony opening today - zing!), DJ AM escaped death in a plane crash, only to have it catch up with him. Travis Barker, you better watch out. If you want a cup of sorrow, feel bad about the Olympic shot putter who was gunned down in front of his home by prowlers last night, not a guy whose credits were playing pool parties in Las Vegas.

Scraped Off The Bottom Of The Barrel

Thanks, American Apparel! Got any balls of thread trimmings laying around?

Is That Sam Rockwell?

Or just his shitty brother?

Substitute Driver

A shirtless man hijacked an Atlanta public school bus with about a dozen students aboard Thursday and then jumped out of the driver's seat as the bus careened down a steep hill. Yeah, I think that's a solid reason not to turn in that homework assignment tomorrow.

Arris Pitmon (23), jumped into the stopped bus through a window as a student was being dropped off in a southeast Atlanta neighborhood. He overpowered the woman bus driver and took control of the steering wheel, and then left the seat to chase the driver, who had run to the rear of the bus. A student attempted to take the wheel, but Pitmon fought him to regain control of the bus. The bus continued down the road throughout the ordeal, leaving the roadway and crashing through a fence and finally stopping at a wall about 175 feet off the pavement. All the while, screaming students from Forrest Academy jumped out of the bus through the emergency exit in the back. Two students and the bus driver were injured.

Authorities didn't say whether Pitmon had a relationship with the bus driver, or why at the time he was arrested after the crash he was naked. Surveillance video from a nearby gas station showed the shirtless suspect crouching and fidgeting as he walked through the lobby before jumping aboard. A cashier there said Pitmon came in and seemed to be looking for someone at the store. "Suddenly, he was doing crazy things...he was sitting down, he was trying to grab a customer's feet."

I'm not clear why the driver and the student didn't stop the bus. Pitmon was going for the wheel...just apply the brakes and stop moving. When the bus isn't moving, you can escape it a lot easier. It's not like it was Speed. BTW, anyone want to gamble and say "Arris Pittmon" of "Atlanta" is black? Just making a guess...

Death Brand

Would a gruesome picture of a cancer-ravaged mouth with rotting teeth make you think twice about buying a pack of cigarettes? Should it?

That's the goal of new federal regulations expected to go into effect within three years. The rules will require tobacco companies to cover at least half of the front and back of packages with graphic -- and possibly gruesome -- images illustrating the dangers of smoking. That's some bullshit.

If U.S. regulations are modeled after those already in place in Canada and other countries, the warnings will be shocking: blackened lungs, gangrenous feet, bleeding brains and people breathing through tracheotomies. Though hard to look at, the more graphic the image, the more effective in discouraging smoking, said a professor of medicine at the UCSF Center for Tobacco Control, Research and Education. Because there really is one.

"The graphic warnings really work...They substantially increase the likelihood someone will quit smoking. They substantially decrease the chances a kid will smoke. And they really screw up the ability of the tobacco industry to use the packaging as a marketing tool." Yeah, that's why people smoke - not the addictive ingredients but the enticing nature of the packaging.

Over the last decade, countries as varied as Canada, Australia, Chile, Brazil, Iran and Singapore, among others, have adopted graphic warnings on tobacco products. Some are downright disturbing: in Brazil, cigarette packages come with pictures of dead babies and a gangrened foot with blackened toes.

The authority to force packaging changes was granted in June, when President Obama, who has struggled with cigarette addiction since he was a teen, signed into law the Family Smoking Prevention and Tobacco Control Act. The landmark legislation gives the U.S. Food and Drug Administration broad new authority to regulate the marketing of tobacco products. Under the law, the FDA has two years to issue specifics about the new graphic warnings tobacco products will be required to carry. Tobacco companies then have 18 months to get them onto packages. Will that hold up in court? We'll see...

Despite some research that has suggested images that are too stomach-turning may backfire because people eventually ignore them, new research is showing the most graphic images pack the most punch. In a yet-to-be published study, 541 adult smokers in the United States and Canada viewed a mild image of a smoker's mouth with yellowed teeth; a moderately graphic image of a diseased mouth; and a third photo of a grotesque, disfigured mouth. The most disturbing photo evoked the most fear, prompting more smokers to say they intended to quit. Duh. But lets see if they do...talk is cheap from addicts.

While the new regulations may also include no-nonsense, text warnings such as "Smoking Makes You Impotent" and "Smoking Kills," the images will have the broadest reach proponents say. Non-English speakers can understand the picture of a diseased mouth, as can people who are illiterate they add, and noted the smokers tend to have lower literacy levels. That a hilarious extra piece of data. Graphic warnings seem to be helping to drive down smoking rates. In Canada, about 13% of the population smokes daily, a 5% drop since the graphic warnings were adopted in 2000. About 21% of the U.S. population smokes daily, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

It feels like a Bill Hicks routine ("Low birth weight...I think I found my brand), but I think the consequences are scary. Why not put pictures of mangled bodies on cars? Or morbidly obese people on food wrappers? Or deformed babies on a bottle of alcohol? Some things, like an Ed Hardy shirt, let you know exactly what the effect of using is - you turn into a douchebag. But that's the person's choice, and it shocks me to think that we're still having to battle against people's decisions. Anybody who doesn't know the effects of smoking in 2009 should get all the maladies they have coming. Water is wet and smoking is bad - we should all know this. But I think that forcing companies to do this is wrong, and if they start putting graphic images on a pack of smokes, the how slippery is the slope when it comes to food, entertainment, or other commodities? Who decides what is bad and what you should be dissuaded from?

Peacemonger

Scartoe showed us this last night...very cool.

The Super Placebo Effect

Mind over medicine - the placebo effect appears to be getting stronger.

Last November, a new type of gene therapy for Parkinson's disease, championed by the Michael J. Fox Foundation, was abruptly withdrawn from Phase II trials after unexpectedly tanking against placebo. A stem-cell startup called Osiris Therapeutics got a drubbing on Wall Street in March, when it suspended trials of its pill for Crohn's disease, an intestinal ailment, citing an "unusually high" response to placebo. Two days later, Eli Lilly broke off testing of a much-touted new drug for schizophrenia when volunteers showed double the expected level of placebo response.

Part of the problem there was that response to placebo was considered a psychological trait related to neurosis and gullibility rather than a physiological phenomenon that could be scrutinized in the lab and manipulated for therapeutic benefit. Yet a study done years earlier suggested the placebo effect had a neurological foundation. US scientists had found that a drug called naloxone blocks the pain-relieving power of placebo treatments. The brain produces its own analgesic compounds called opioids, released under conditions of stress, and naloxone blocks the action of these natural painkillers and their synthetic analogs.

After 15 years of experimentation, many of the biochemical reactions responsible for the placebo effect have been mapped, uncovering a broad repertoire of self-healing responses. Placebo-activated opioids, for example, not only relieve pain; they also modulate heart rate and respiration. The neurotransmitter dopamine, when released by placebo treatment, helps improve motor function in Parkinson's patients. Mechanisms like these can elevate mood, sharpen cognitive ability, alleviate digestive disorders, relieve insomnia, and limit the secretion of stress-related hormones like insulin and cortisol.

For example, one study of Alzheimer's patients with impaired cognitive function go less pain relief from analgesic drugs than normal volunteers did. Using advanced methods of EEG analysis, it was discovered that the connections between the patients' prefrontal lobes and their opioid systems had been damaged. Healthy volunteers feel the benefit of medication plus a placebo boost. Patients who are unable to formulate ideas about the future because of cortical deficits, however, feel only the effect of the drug itself. The experiment suggests that because Alzheimer's patients don't get the benefits of anticipating the treatment, they require higher doses of painkillers to experience normal levels of relief.

You can read the whole thing here.

Meanwhile, In The Offseason...

You’re forgiven if you haven’t been following the saga of the sale of the Phoenix Coyotes. It’s hockey, it’s the offseason, and it’s Arizona. Even the people in Arizona don’t care about hockey in Arizona, which is how we got into this mess in the first place. But things are approaching a fever pitch, and With Leather has an update on the chicanery-laden proceedings:

• The NHL is pretty hardcore about keeping the team in Arizona, perhaps more for the regional presence in the league than the human turnout for actual games. The Coyotes rank 28th out of 30 teams in home attendance, according to ESPN.

• The Coyotes lost $54 million last season, and the NHL confirmed that they are involved with the day-to-day operation of the team, assuming control of certain team assets after loaning the club an undisclosed amount of cash. And this happened about a month after commissioner Gary Bettman quipped about the team “not [being] on life support.”

• Majority owner Jerry Moyes first bought into the team in 2001. The team has not turned a profit since his arrival, and is currently in Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Protection is important, yo.

• Moyes’ attempt to sell the team to Research in Motion co-CEO Jim Balsillie–who wanted to move the team to Hamilton, Ontario–was unanimously blocked by NHL ownership. That ruling has gone to court.

• Jerry Reinsdorf, who owns both the Chicago Bulls and Chcago White Sox, made a bid for the team valued around $148 million, which has since been retracted. Reinsdorf wanted assurances that he could move the team if he couldn’t make money

• In what seems like a last-ditch effort to keep the team in Arizona, the NHL announced that it would make its own bid to buy the team. The value of that proposed bid has not been disclosed.

The chaos in keeping the coolest game on earth in one of the hottest, most expensive, most passive hockey audiences in America is building to a fine crescendo. If Gary Bettman launched the team into space and announced that they’d play the 2009-2010 season on Mars, you shouldn’t be surprised. The Martian market is just begging for a pro team, but there’s no way they’d put up a subsidy for a new arena. Aliens aren’t that stupid.

Choke (Full Bore)

If you're ever attacked by a guy who looks like Harry Shearer, you'll be fine.

The Third Most Important Brother Died

Late this evening, The Dead Kennedys added another member, though this time, it was an assassination by cancer (thanks Rybot).

Ted Kennedy really earned his way into the hallowed halls of political esteem. When he first took the Senate seat previously held by John Kennedy in 1962, he was seen as something of a political lightweight who owed his ascent to his famous name. And that was correct. But still, he made sure that his political legacy would not be pinned to that one event.

After Robert Kennedy's death, Edward was expected to waste little time in vying for the presidency. What an opportunity! Two dead brothers? That's winning the sympathy lottery to the nth degree. You'd have to be a grade-A retard to squander it...

In July 1969, Kennedy had a car accident. The kind where you drive a car off a bridge and your passenger drowns. Which may not have been so bad if it wasn't a 28 year old chippie you were spending time with instead of your wife. After a night of partying.

It can be said that Kennedy's image took a major hit after the little incident on the Massachusetts resort island of Chappaquiddick. But the man spent the subsequent 40 years being a political scion, which for all it's good doesn't make me forget how he had failed to report the accident to authorities. And left the sight of the accident, but not to get any help. Which is why he would have likely never thought twice about it, except some fishermen found the overturned car, which eventually led to the discovery of Mary Jo Kopechne's body. Pleading guilty to leaving the scene netted him a suspended sentence. Draconian!

Ted Kennedy was a great lawmaker, who also had his driver's license was suspended for a over six months and personally paid $90,904 to the Kopechne family. Let us think fondly of his legacy.

Call Of The Clunkers, Or Proud To Be An American

General Motors Co. will begin removing its "Mark of Excellence" logo from vehicles as the company "places greater emphasis on its individual brands". Wow, that's some heavy spin. It makes way for a "Seal of Mediocrity"

The company said it would phase out the placement of the GM logo on its cars and trucks, leaving just the GMC, Chevrolet, Cadillac or Buick logos on the vehicles.

"We really want to elevate the prominence of our four core brands," said one of their talking heads. "It's really going to be an intense focus." Yeah , you'll have to after jettisoning half your brands. They are discontinuing or selling Hummer, Saab, Pontiac and Saturn.

The final decision to remove the silver square logo was made earlier this month, although executives had mentioned the possibility of such a move months ago. The company found that consumers had a greater affinity for GM's individual brands than the corporate name. And apparently didn't care for the extra pejorative. "What we're seeing is the GM brand gets dinged big time in terms of considering a GM vehicle (what does that even mean?)," said GM's executive director of global market and industry analysis. That's quite a title for a make believe job. "When you look at Chevrolet, Cadillac and our other brands, they haven't changed." Because only marketing people pay attention to that nonsense.

The company began putting the logos on all its vehicles in North America in 2005. Removing the logo — which is generally placed on the lower section of the door panel — from some models will be more difficult than on others. On vehicles where a specific indentation is made in the sheet metal for the logo, phasing it out will take longer. Other models such as the Camero or Equinox, removal is easier, and will begin immediately. If you care...

Taking the logos off the vehicle will save GM a "nominal" amount of money, and a whole lot of company pride.

This Is The Modern Heavy Metal Parking Lot

All's Well That Ends Well

The manhunt for Ryan Jenkins ended yesterday when he was found dead in a remote Canadian motel, the victim of an apparent suicide by hanging. Way to cut your 15 minutes short.

I have to agree with Warming Glow - this is the greatest blog story, ever. Here’s a list of the elements of this story: Reality TV. VH1. Playboy model (Megan Hauserman). Strippers. Playboy model (Fiore). Vegas wedding. Marriage annulled. History of domestic violence. Strangled to death. Fingers cut off. Teeth removed. Body in a suitcase. Suitcase in a dumpster. Identified by breast implants. Escape to Canada. Motel. Suicide. Hanging. It’s like a Mad Libs of every bad internet joke ever told. The only way this could have been better is if he had hanged himself while masturbating. And there was a cat dressed as a police officer investigating.

The odd thing to me is both "Megan Wants a Millionaire" and "I Love Money 3", prominently featuring Jenkins not killing anyone, have been canceled. Scarlett, who knows about those types of shows but also is an "industry person", predicted as much last week. While their motive is to look unlike assholes if they aired it, I say why not show the shows? He didn't kill anybody on them. The advertisers have already got their prices set for ad rates, so the network can't gouge them even though they ought to get much better ratings due to the news.

I shouldn't take the blessing for granted - two shitty reality shows axed, but television, especially "reality" based programs, do nothing but exploit. Like the insufferable shows about white trash with 8 children (or the other one with an extra six), or the skanky sisters, or the regional survey of tarnished "trophy" wives. Never mind the contradiction of calling "reality" participants actors or that the shows have writing teams - they are designed to manipulate and monopolize on the most despicable, terrible people willing to literally sell their soul for what passes as fame. So why not use the footage. Don't pretend that there's a line of decency being crossed...that happened when you created, filmed, and aired the show - and you watched it.

Professional sports is full of bad people (except hockey and F1), hardly worthy of being grouped with other role models, yet they have no trouble gracing your airwaves season in and season out and allowed to play. Actors get busted for everything in the book but get movies deals and primetime series as though nothing happened. And the flood of coverage, from OJ to Michael Jackson - how the hell is that not overkill? How dare those spineless shit peddler try to grow a spine, or the audience start making demands of their bread and circus? The complaint is that that weasel escaped what was coming to him and that justice was not served. Whether it was or not, it's clear hypocrisy was served.

Season 2 Chapter 13

Can you believe that we're at the halfway point of another story? Well, get over it - we are!

It's just about that time, where aliens come from outer space to abduct our protagonist and give him the sexual reassignment surgery he's always wanted. And when it happens, it will be detailed in excruciatingly vivid detail...could it be this chapter? Check out His Words - Not Mine and see!

Recyclingland

Technical Weekend

Gonna be screwing around with computers and software and mixing this weekend while Scarlett hits the big events around town...kinda appropriate if you ask me.

Best of the week: An applicant was been rejected in his bid to become a police officer for scoring too high on an intelligence test. Dumb cop jokes about to replace the long time go-to "Policeman's Ball"?

Robert Jordan (49), who is a college graduate, took an exam to join the New London police (Connecticut), in 1996 and scored 33 points, the equivalent of an IQ of 125. But New London police interviewed only candidates who scored 20 to 27, on the theory that those who scored too high could get bored with police work and leave soon after undergoing costly training. So Mr. Jordan did what most people would do - he launched a federal lawsuit against the city. And lost. If he was as smart as I (and I have the scores to back it up), he'd have retaken the test and deliberated scored lower to make the cut.

The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upheld a lower court’s decision that the city did not discriminate against Mr Jordan because the same standards were applied to everyone who took the test. He said, “This kind of puts an official face on discrimination in America against people of a certain class. I maintain you have no more control over your basic intelligence than your eye color or your gender or anything else.” I disagree. You have the capability, but reaching that potential is up to you.

He said he does not plan to take any further legal action and has worked as a prison guard since he took the test, so I guess it all worked out. He still got his uniform and can cavity search or beat felons. BTW, the average score nationally for police officers is 21 to 22, the equivalent of an IQ of 104, or just a little above average. Now are you glad they're the ones with the guns and law on their side?

Worst of the week: And speaking of guns, about a dozen people carrying guns, including one with a military-style rifle, milled among protesters outside the convention center where President Barack Obama was giving a speech earlier this week — the latest incident in which protesters have openly displayed firearms near the president. Since when was this a good idea?

Gun-rights advocates say they're exercising their constitutional right to bear arms and protest, while anybody else with an IQ above a shell casing see it as a disaster waiting to happen.

Phoenix police said the gun-toters at Monday's event, including the man carrying an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle slung over his shoulder, didn't need permits. No crimes were committed, and no one was arrested. Which is the problem. Not the lack of arrests, but the legality.

The man with the rifle declined to be identified but said that he was carrying the assault weapon because he could. "In Arizona, I still have some freedoms," he said. Yes sir, you do...but do you believe for a second that this would have gone on or been remotely tolerated when the Bush / Republican White House was running the show? He'd have been making that statement from Guantanamo.

Phoenix police who monitored the man at the downtown protest also wanted to make sure no one decided to harm him. "Just by his presence and people seeing the rifle and people knowing the president was in town, it sparked a lot of emotions...We were keeping peace on both ends." Try to keep more of it on the presidential side.

Last week, during Obama's health care town hall in Portsmouth, N.H., a man carrying a sign reading "It is time to water the tree of liberty" stood outside with a pistol strapped to his leg. How the fuck is that not a threat? "It's a political statement," he told The Boston Globe. "If you don't use your rights, then you lose your rights." Police asked the man to move away from school property, but he was not arrested. Are you ready for President Biden?

Arizona is an "open-carry" state, which means anyone legally allowed to have a firearm can carry it in public as long as it's visible. Only someone carrying a concealed weapon is required to have a permit. A Secret Service spokesman said armed demonstrators in open-carry states such as Arizona and New Hampshire have little impact on security plans for the president, but plans don't mean shit once somebody fires a few rounds. Representatives of the National Rifle Association did not return calls for comment, because how do you spin the 2nd Amendment to cover your right to assassinate the president?

Runner up: On Monday, the always awful OMG! had this to report:

So imagine the surprise when you follow the link and discover:


You idiots wouldn't even make it in Connecticut as a cop. Try not to act shocked - their idea of big news story is "Jon Gosselin to Throw a Las Vegas Pool Party", and report "Heidi Pratt Claims to Have Had "20-30 Orgasms" in a Single Day" I think they mean oranges...sounds about right.

How My Brain Works

I saw this story in the morning's headlines:


and this old comic immediately came to mind:

The Number To Heaven

Interyou

Personas is a component of the Metropath(ologies) exhibit, currently on display at the MIT Museum by the Sociable Media Group from the MIT Media Lab. It uses sophisticated natural language processing and the Internet to create a data portrait of one's aggregated online identity. In short, Personas shows you how the Internet sees you. Thankfully, the web can't see how I view it.

Enter your name, and Personas scours the web for information and attempts to characterize the person - to fit them to a predetermined set of categories that an algorithmic process created from a massive corpus of data. The computational process is visualized with each stage of the analysis, finally resulting in the presentation of a seemingly authoritative personal profile.

I don't how accurate it is, but it will take about 90 seconds of your time. What else were you doing?

Mission Accomplished

The CIA hired private contractors from Blackwater USA in 2004 as part of a secret program to kill top-level members of al-Qaida, but a spokesman says it never resulted in the capture or killing of any terrorist suspects. So what's worse - we outsourced our terrorist hunting or that we paid them for failing?

Former Rep. Porter Goss was CIA director at the time, and the contract ended during his time in office, according to a former senior intelligence official and another person familiar with the program. They spoke on condition of anonymity because the program remains classified.

The New York Times said Blackwater executives helped with planning, training and surveillance for the program. It was begun shortly after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks under then-director Porter Goss, but never became fully operational. Translation: another boatload of money funneled to Blackwater from their Republican friends in office!

CIA Director Leon Panetta terminated the program in June upon learning of it, then informed the congressional intelligence committees in an emergency briefing the next day. That's called being responsible! Blackwater, now known as Xe Services, is under heavy criticism for its alleged role in a September 2007 shooting in Baghdad's Nisoor Square that left 17 Iraqi civilians dead. Remember?

It was unclear whether the CIA had planned to use the contractors to capture or kill al-Qaida operatives or just to help with training and surveillance. Knowing their track record, they probably didn't either. Government officials said bringing outsiders into a program with lethal authority raised deep concerns about accountability in covert operations. The report stated that the CIA did not have a formal contract with Blackwater for this program but instead had individual agreements with top company officials, including company founder Erik Prince. Good. Let's not have anything in writing when it comes to our government. And the CIA. Or covert ops. Maybe we can deny payment to them too, since we're doing everything else without records and clearing the way for future denials.

The revelation of the program created a small political firestorm on Capitol Hill. The House Intelligence Committee in June launched an investigation to determine whether the CIA broke the law by not informing Congress about the secret program as soon as it was begun. The program had several lives under four successive CIA directors: George Tenet canceled it during his tenure because it never produced results. His successor, Goss, restarted it and inked the Blackwater contracts. Michael Hayden, Goss' successor, downgraded the program from a planned covert action to an intelligence gathering activity. Panetta drove the final stake into the program in June.

More than a quarter of the U.S. intelligence agencies' employees are outside contractors. Sleep well at night, America.

Not Such A Wonderful World

Megan Wants A Murderer

Ryan Jenkins, one of the supposed millionaires on VH1’s “Megan Wants a Millionaire,” has been declared a person of interest in the murder of the woman with whom he was involved. Not Megan Hauserman, unfortunately.

Jasmine Fiore, a bikini model who allegedly married Jenkins in Las Vegas after they met at a strip club, was found inside a suitcase in a dumpster in Buena Park, California after she was strangled to death. Oh I know, it’s hard to believe that a woman named Jasmine was in a strip club. And that a man with a carefully groomed goatee might murder someone. She was first reported missing by Jenkins on Saturday night. Police fear Jenkins, a resident of Calgary, may be fleeing to Canada.

Here's a bunch of pictures of Jasmine. She’s not very attractive, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to kill her. Legally, I mean.

So You Think You Can Rape

Former "So You Think You Can Dance" choreographer Alex Da Silva (41) was arrested on a felony warrant charging him with sexually assaulting four female victims. Wow, that's a dance partner who leads!

According to a statement from the DA's office, the dance instructor who was known for his salsa moves, was arrested at home yesterday morning by LAPD officers. I guess the Lambada is the forbidden dance! Da Silva is charged with eight felony counts, including four counts of forcible rape, two counts of assault with intent to commit rape and two counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object. Look, he may be Latino, but must we call it a "foreign object"?

The four alleged victims range in ages from 20 to 26 years old and were dancers who met Da Silva through the classes he taught. The alleged assaults took place between August 2002 and March 2009. Da Silva is scheduled to be arraigned tomorrow and could face life in prison if convicted. Not to worry, his dance card will get punched plenty if he ends up in prison.

He is currently being held on a $6.2 million bail, not because he's a flight risk, but I believe because the guys at county want to have him teach them some special moves so they can will the all-state prison guard dance competition.

The Man Who Walked Around The World

Fuck it if it's an ad...it's brilliant.

Michael Vick Was Not Involved

Yes, there are crazed animals in Georgia, and it wasn't another dog fighting ring.

An elderly woman killed by a pack of wild dogs had been out for a walk when she was attacked, and her husband died trying to fight off the mauling animals when he discovered the bloody scene near their rural Georgia home, authorities said. Fucking nuts!

Preliminary autopsy results showed Lothar Karl Schweder (77) and his wife, Sherry (65), died from multiple animal bites. With a badass name like Lothar, I'm appalled that he was not more resilient. Authorities have rounded up about 11 dogs suspected in the rare attack and returned to the area recently to find four more. The dogs were being held by animal control officials while authorities decide what to do with them. Suggestion? Kill them.

Sherry Schweder had recently told one of her sons that there were several dogs wandering the neighborhood that no one seemed to be caring for. What a bitch of a way to find out you're right. Investigators found Sherry Schweder's bloody shirt underneath the car, which was about six to eight feet from her body. Lothar Schweder was then attacked and apparently struggled with the dogs. His body was found on the other side of the dirt road, about 16 to 18 feet from his wife's body. Evidence indicates Lothar Schweder put up a fight and may have tried to pull out a cell phone before he was overtaken. Experts say such attacks are extremely rare — and instances where more than one person is attacked are even more rare. But sometimes, Purina won't cut it.

"You are more likely to killed by a bolt of lightning than by a dog," said a spokesman for the Humane Society of the United States, but that's a lot of lightning when you consider there have been at least 20 deadly dog attacks in the U.S. this year. Last year there were 22, and 33 in 2007. Compared with about 75 million owned dogs, you're probably still safe, but for sure the worst way to go. Getting killed by an animal would suck, but a whole pack? Super sucky.

Intolerant Lactose, Or Cheeseheads Bowed

Circle October 5th on your calendar.

If there's anything or anyone left alive after that game, the Packers and Vikings have a rematch November 8th, this time on the Lambeau tundra. Green Bay fans have rued today, as Flip-Flop Favre about-faces yet again and joins their nemesis. While Scarlett, her family, Herr Docktor's sister, and the state of Wisconsin seethe, fans in Minnesota hope the grizzled QB can boost their team the same as he did the New York Jets last year.

My feeling (since you asked)? Get over it. Loving me some hockey the way I do, players end up getting traded from your favorite or signed by teams you hate. I would never want to see any of my Kings end up playing for those dickbags in Anaheim, but I'd still like the player, even if I hoped the team went down in a plane crash. It's a fact of sports, and more importantly, a key way you team is going to get better - by getting that good player from your opponent. What comes around goes around, so deal with it.

The real travesty with this is Favre's second spin on the maybe / maybe-not express. I happen to like Favre the QB, but Favre the decision making athlete is a fucking jerk. Stop changing your mind and don't keep making choices you're going to flip on right after. You have lost your cred. The NFL is filled with felons, ranging from murderers, drug traffickers, cheaters, and animal abusers, but for all those acts, I still think less of Favre with his bullshit "Peter and the Wolf" act. Criminal as they may be, at least they were committed to what they did. Athletes should be role models, and a double murderer like Ray Lewis (acquitted) has more of my respect than a whining pussy who keeps quitting and coming back like Favre.

March Of The Fire Ants

And if you really want something badass, play the above video on mute at the same time as the one below.

Starfucker Power

Would you believe there's a threesome sex tape with that guy from Grey's Anatomy, the Noxema Girl, and a former Mis Teen USA? Believe it now!

Eric Dane, wife Rebecca Gayheart, and Kari Ann Peniche have a sex tape that has been leaked online. Gawker's Defamer.com first reported on the sex tape by posting an edited version of the original 12-minute-long video. Yes, all the links mean you should watch it. Marty Singer, the couple's rep, told TMZ that he will sue anyone who publishes the "private, confidential tape," but added, "from what I've seen, it's a naked tape, not a sex tape." Good distinction.

The couple and Peniche pass around the camera at the ex-beauty queen's apartment. In the clip, they appear intoxicated as they take a bath in a jacuzzi tub and lay around naked in bed while discussing their porn names. "My alter-ego name is Peter," Dane, said, adding, "my dog growing up was called Cocaine, and I lived on Manor Drive, so I'm Cocaine Manor." It's middle name and street, but whatever - you're frolicking with two naked chicks. He later takes on a Western name after asking Peniche if she likes "cowboys." "I told you my name was Tuff Hedeman, the famous bull rider," Dane comments as he reclines on a bed with Peniche. At one point, Gayheart says she has to lie down because she's "so high", but maybe she's just going to faint from embarrassment because that kinda lame.

Later, while in the bathtub, Gayheart comments, "I'm not like a huge advocate of drugs for whatever reason ... it is kind of fun." Also in the bathroom, Dane appears to be behind the camera and pans the lens over his wife in the bathtub, commenting, "You've gotta be two of the hottest fucking girls on the set of Mulholland. And I've seen some hot girls before. This is the thing." Sure, buddy.

The tape reportedly surfaced as part of an official investigation into Peniche's alleged sex-for-hire business. In addition to posing for Playboy, she was also recently treated for sex addiction on Dr. Drew's "Celebrity Rehab" but was kicked off the show for apparently entertaining inappropriate guests and for stealing from her roommate, country singer Mindy McCready. Late last month, the Hollywood vice squad got a hold of Peniche's client list and video, which Peniche herself had been showing around to friends. And now, it's interweb fodder. Hooray!

Season 2 Chapter 12

This week, His Words - Not Mine has a musical number, gay and minority themes, elder care issues, and masturbation.

Basically, just another chapter in our ongoing writing experiment.

Mouth Grape

Notes From The Week Before The Weekend

Best of the week: Here is a righteous application of violence...

Police had been watching Vincent Goff for years, convinced he was the masked man who sexually assaulted couples at gunpoint on the Mississippi coast. But before investigators closed in, they say Goff picked the wrong victim and was beaten nearly to death with his own rifle. Justice, please meet Served.

Goff, a 37-year-old unemployed Biloxi man with a wife and two stepsons (winner!), was being held in the Harrison County Jail after spending five days in a hospital recovering from severe head wounds. Little is known about Goff's background or the unidentified man who beat him so hard that the wood stock of the rifle broke, but authorities say Goff's arrest caps a terrorizing series of attacks that began on the sandy banks of the Biloxi River in 2006.

Goff allegedly (are we still doing this alleged shit) approached a man and woman last Thursday afternoon on an isolated logging road in Harrison County and forced them into the woods with a rifle. They were forced to strip off their clothes and told to perform sexual acts when the male victim, described as a physically fit member of the military in his mid-30s, wrestled the gun away.

"He beat him until the stock broke over his head and then continued to beat him until he thought he had him incapacitated," police said. Well played, sir - and kudos to the Armed Forces for your excellent training.

As the victims were getting dressed and calling police, the Goff staggered to his car and sped away. A deputy pulled Goff over based on a description of the car and tag number. The officer called for medical assistance and Goff ended up in an intensive care unit. He need numerous staples to close the gashes in his head. Goff was charged with six counts of kidnapping, five counts of sexual assault, two counts of aggravated assault and one count of molesting an underage girl for crimes dating back to 2006. He does not have an extensive previous criminal record, though it makes little difference since he's got a nice, big new one.

Investigators were awaiting the results of DNA tests on previous victims when the latest attacks occurred, and when they came back while Goff was still hospitalized, they allegedly (ugh) linked him to the 2006 crimes. While Goff was under surveillance earlier this year as a suspect in an indecent exposure incident, investigators said they saw him steal a purse from a woman at the beach. That, along with the indecent exposure charges and other evidence, persuaded a judge to issue a warrant for a DNA test two weeks ago. Goff's DNA matched that found at some of the crime scenes.

If only that soldier had killed Goff, there'd be lots more tax dollars for the public good than taking the case to an unnecessary trial and prison.

Runner up: Ron Mexico is playing football again!

The Philadelphia Eagles took the dog killing ex-felon and added him to a team now overloaded with quarterbacks for a one year contract with a second year option. Seriously, what can you do these days and not be forgiven for? Are our only villains Nazis? There's not too many of them left to hate on, so who's next? Michael Vick can throw a pigskin again after a short prison term for the torture and murder of scores of animals, but it took 30 years to get Squeaky Fromme is out of jail, and she only attempted to kill the president? Should either be free?

It's really no surprise...this country loves it some football, and America will be damned if one of it's most talented players can't rise above his criminal past and misgivings. Especially when you consider that Evil Dick Cheney and Karl Rove still walk free and Bush pt. II got a pass for eight years while royally screwing up publicly.

Worst of the week: A musical combination to make you burn your flannel.

Alice in Chains thought it would take a miracle to get Elton John to play on the band's tribute record to their late lead singer, Layne Staley. But it only took a listen to the song to get the rock legend on board. And those two sentences to make me cringe.

"He's a really warm person," said Alice in Chains co-founder Jerry Cantrell of John. "He got up and gave us a couple of hugs, and said, `Well Jerry, I just wanted to tell you that I think it's a beautiful song. ... I really dig the sentiment of what it's about and who it's for and I just want to tell you that I'm going to play on the song.'" Whoopee!

John plays piano on "Black Gives Way to Blue," a short but poignant ode to Staley, who died of a drug overdose in 2002. The song is the title track for their upcoming CD, band's first studio album in 14 years. Cantrell, who wrote the tune, had already made a demo of the song when someone heard it and suggested John as the perfect person to play the piano part. Although the band knew people connected to the 62-year-old singer, they thought it was a long shot that he would even consider it. "I didn't think that would happen. He's a pretty busy guy doing his own thing," Cantrell said. But they sent the song to him, and as fate would have it, both acts were slated to record at a studio complex at the same time.

It wasn't until Alice in Chains left the studio for a break that they got word that John wanted to meet with them. "We got a call from our studio manager saying that Elton wanted to talk to us," said Cantrell, laughing. "We jumped in the car, left our lunches on the table, and cruised back to the studio and walked into the studio where he was recording." Dude, I would have still finished the meal...what's another 15 minutes? After John confirmed he would play on the song, the band flew to Las Vegas, where John was performing, to finish the recording. "One of the most nerve-racking moments I had was actually making a suggestion to him. What do you say to Elton John?" he joked. "But he was really open to the process. ... He fit into the song, and he really brought something that was really necessary and took the song to another level." An overwrought, cabaret level? Anybody could have played the piano part, and it would sound at least 99.99% the same...if Elton didn't sing, how would you even know it was him?

The album, set for release Sept. 29, is Alice in Chains' first with singer-guitarist William DuVall, who joins returning members Sean Kinney and Mike Inez.

Turned Off

Long have I been tracking this story and railing against it, and finally it seems there is a conclusion. A most excellent one at that!

Last week, the New York Post reported that work on next year's Spider-Man, Turn Off the Dark had been put on "hiatus" after producers ran out of money. In a recent Post article, it says the actors are being released from their contracts, which certainly doesn't bode well for the show's planned opening next February:

"This is reportedly the fault of the show's producers, Sony, Marvel, and David Garfinkle, a Chicago lawyer with practically no Broadway experience who's been unable to rein in Julie Taymor's expensive impulses and watched the budget swell to a hilarious $45 million. A move to replace Garfinkle last week was unsuccessful because more experienced producers know better than to sign up for a probable disaster. Also, speaking with a math-capable source, Spider-Man would have to play sold-out shows for five years just to break even."

Wait a second. You're telling me that this musical, which featured U2 at its most pretentious (seriously, "Turn Off the Dark"?) and a brand-new villain called the Swiss Miss (I shit you not) has some kind of unrealistic expectations about its potential success? I'm not even going to say I told you so, even though I did...