Zombie Weekend

I think it's great that people all have different ideas and beliefs, even if they don't make sense to others.

Take Jesus for instance.

Put everything else about the guy aside and let's just look at Sunday's big event. The guy comes back from the dead. Some people would call that the messiah, but me, that's a zombie. And really, what are you going to do - fall to your knees and pray while it comes to eat you, or destroy the undead?

Here's some ideas for getting rid of that nagging son of God who hungers for human brains.

Boiling: Just like in Halloween 2, lure the zombie saviour into a nice warm spa bath by telling him the candles and aromatherapy oils are “just the thing” he needs after all that stressful rising from beyond the grave. Wait until he is happily settled in (probably using one of the jets for personal pleasure) then jack up the heat to max and simmer for a good ten minutes. Season to taste.

Advantage - the leftover water would make a good soup stock (possibly to replace the wine/wafer as the blood/body of Christ in a Catholic mass. There are a lot of Catholics out there so you’d make (another) killing.
Disadvantage - He may still be able to walk on water so you might end up just warming up the soles of his feet.

Head In A Vice: Staying with the movies theme, borrow from Evil Dead 2 or Casino with a little ‘head in a vice’ action.

Advantage - with the whole carpentry thing, he might actually have a vice that you could use, which would save you a trip down to Home Depot.
Disadvantage - you’d have to get close to him to do it and therefore might get squirted with eyeball juice.

Overindulgence: Convince him that he is the king of rock and roll as well as the king of kings. Send him to Vegas and buy him a mansion. Introduce him to cheeseburgers and a variety of narcotic substances - he’ll be dead on a toilet in no time.

Advantage - it’s a non-violent method so therefore would be suitable for Buddhists and squeamish people.
Disadvantage - "Blue Suede Shoes” in Aramaic is insufferable

Squirt Him Good: Clearly, holy water won’t be any defence against the wrath of a flesh-eating undead Jesus, so you’ll need to use acid. Or semen. Whichever you can source quickest. And is most caustic.

Advantage - you can fire the chosen liquid from a water pistol, distancing yourself from your target.
Disadvantage - it takes quite a lot of semen to fill a super soaker. Trust me.

Crucifixion: Crucify him then dump his body in a cave, with a big boulder in front of the only exit. Just this time, make sure it is done right - pour 300 gallons of epoxy resin in there too.

Advantage - once it has all solidified, you can use the cave as a tourist attraction.
Disadvantage - tourists