Next year, my childhood continues to get raped.
After the God-awful Transformers of last year, the Hasbro mines are being further looted, and GI Joe is getting sent to the big screen. Catastrophe.
The Joe was a huge part of growing up for me, and their multi-level marketing was genius. After the Star Wars era toys, GI Joe was an incredible improvement. Having revamped the giant doll into a smaller, articulated action figure, the toy was one of the biggest successes of the 80s. For years, their daily cartoon ran, giving me a reason to rush home from school and boost my imagination with stories - and new products that would have my instant recognition. And to fully exploit the young male demographic, there was also the comic book, which was additionally able to increase the marketing pressure as well as broaden the universe with backstory and characters. And now it's going to get ruined.
Looking at who's involved just makes me cringe.
First, director Stephen Sommers. The man who brought you diet Indiana Jones in the form of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, and the monstrously bad Van Helsing is at the helm, which means it's going to be a CGI festival of impossible action. That's also due in part to the lack of story to tell, and writers Stuart Beattie and Skip Woods aren't giving him much help. Their credits are a who's what of adapted material (that means they work on ideas that already exist and have been developed) - Pirates Of The Caribbean (ride), Hitman (video game), 30 Days Of Night (comic) - and the other films they have on their resume are not exactly masterpieces. Swordfish. Derailed. Collateral. Not sold yet? Check out the ace casting.
GI Joe
Channing Tatum as Duke
Duke was the big, cool dude from the first wave of figures (before Flint was the man). His real life version? A male model with the supremely douchiest name since Courtney Taylor-Taylor (yes, that's a guy) of the Dandy Warhols. Guess they're trying to market this to the Seventeen magazine crowd.
After the God-awful Transformers of last year, the Hasbro mines are being further looted, and GI Joe is getting sent to the big screen. Catastrophe.
The Joe was a huge part of growing up for me, and their multi-level marketing was genius. After the Star Wars era toys, GI Joe was an incredible improvement. Having revamped the giant doll into a smaller, articulated action figure, the toy was one of the biggest successes of the 80s. For years, their daily cartoon ran, giving me a reason to rush home from school and boost my imagination with stories - and new products that would have my instant recognition. And to fully exploit the young male demographic, there was also the comic book, which was additionally able to increase the marketing pressure as well as broaden the universe with backstory and characters. And now it's going to get ruined.
Looking at who's involved just makes me cringe.
First, director Stephen Sommers. The man who brought you diet Indiana Jones in the form of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, and the monstrously bad Van Helsing is at the helm, which means it's going to be a CGI festival of impossible action. That's also due in part to the lack of story to tell, and writers Stuart Beattie and Skip Woods aren't giving him much help. Their credits are a who's what of adapted material (that means they work on ideas that already exist and have been developed) - Pirates Of The Caribbean (ride), Hitman (video game), 30 Days Of Night (comic) - and the other films they have on their resume are not exactly masterpieces. Swordfish. Derailed. Collateral. Not sold yet? Check out the ace casting.
GI Joe
Channing Tatum as Duke
Duke was the big, cool dude from the first wave of figures (before Flint was the man). His real life version? A male model with the supremely douchiest name since Courtney Taylor-Taylor (yes, that's a guy) of the Dandy Warhols. Guess they're trying to market this to the Seventeen magazine crowd.
Dennis Quaid as General HawkDuke with a flat top? Quaid should be able to break himself a nice chunk of scenery to chew on...but for an action film, is it really necessary for the Joe commander to have a constant "did I crap my pants?" look of confusion.
Rachel Nichols as Scarlett
Barbie to Duke's Ken, Scarlett was another first waver (before Lady Jaye). From what I gather, Nichols was on Alias, so Hollywood must think she can do the action thing. Let's hope the update the character a little in the film, because running into battle with a crossbow is like swimming in Australia wearing a meat speedo.
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje as Heavy DutyBig black guy with a Rambo sized machine gun. I guess being on Lost will get you other jobs...
Ray Park as Snake EyesThe mute, scared ninja commando could be played by anybody, but they got Darth Maul to do it, which is the first smart casting I've seen. The guy is definitely able to bring the goods to the role, but he always struck me as being a little small.
Marlon Wayans as Ripcord
Why Marlon Wayans would be cast in anything his brothers weren't making is beyond me. But clearly, he fits the profile of a disciplined parachute soldier. If you wanted to make him wisecracking urban comedic relief. The movie will be unintentionally funny enough with out him not being funny in it.
Saïd Taghmaoui as Breaker
Breaker, the communications expert, gets a touch of color as they spread some ethnic flavor over the cast. A fairly one dimensional character from the first wave that could have been anyone.
Cobra
Sienna Miller as The Baroness
Using an English waif as a devious European terrorist doesn't work. She may have been dastardly enough to subvert Jude Law (that doesn't take much), but to second in command of a group bent on worldwide conquest? The hostess at IHOP is more calculating and dangerous.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander
What. The. Fuck. If you're going to cast a Third Rock actor, why not use Kristen Johnson? She's way more menacing and for sure has more testosterone (rumor is she's packing more meat than him and French Stewart combined). This kid's as scary as a poster of a unicorn and rainbow hearts. This is supposed to be the Cobra Commander! Bin Laden or Saddam with a blue doo-rag doesn't mean some emo-looking kid! They're going the James Bond route, where all the villians are pussies who scheme big.
Christopher Eccleston as Destro
The deadliest arms dealer in the world is Doctor Who? I guess when Cobra gets their Tardis, they'll be unstoppable. The Joes are going to have to either get some Daleks or anything better than weapons from a campy, low production value 60s British sci-fi show. He is a decent actor, but there's no way he can touch Arthur Burghardt, the voice of the cartoon Destro (2:05 begins the magic!).
Arnold Vosloo as Zartan
The show had Zartan living in the swamp with a trio of Aussie hillbillies called the Dreadnoks, and he was a master of disguise. The action figure had a really cool light sensitivity that made it change colors like a chameleon (get it-disguise? chameleon?). The movie? A creepy actor who played the titular mummy in Sommers films gets to have plenty more computer help to morph into character.
Byung-hun Lee as Storm Shadow
Look, it was the 80s...everybody had a ninja, and this was the Cobra one. The comic had a lot of history between Snake Eyes and Stormy, with assassinated masters and broken friendships, and they will probably be two of the more focused upon characters in the movie. C'mon, they were the killing machines from either side and the coolest toys! As far as casting, it's like Heavy Duty - Asian guy plays ninja. Whatever.
Other than what is bound to be a crappy movie, I am sad with the thought that there will be a new line of toys that take the characters and make them look like their film counterparts. Childhood memories are taking a beating!
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