Let The Healing Begin...Live!

If there's a massacre on your campus, beware the aftermath.

To pump up good vibes for the enrolled and staff, Dave Matthews Band, John Mayer, Phil Vassar and Nas will perform a special concert at Virginia Tech.

Free tickets will be available to students and faculty as all four musical acts have waived their fees for the event. How very generous. Fortunately, corporate sponsorships and the sale of commemorative concert items will help cover expenses. Yes, the Virginia Tech Tribute Concert Presented By Quizno's tee shirts at $30 a pop will be a wonderfully commemorative souvenir and a great way to raise money for victims and survivors pay for the show.

Here's how the evening will likely go on September 6th:

6:00PM - Virginia Tech President Charles Steger will make a speech, using words like "community", "strength", and "the future". Odds are 500-1 he will lead a "Fuck You Seung-Hui Cho" chant.

6:05PM - Phil Vassar takes the stage. Most of the stadium leaves. Who the hell is Phil Vassar? I refuse to take anybody seriously who is named after a women's college. Except Wanda Trussler, who has a beauty school.

6:45PM - Nas takes the stage. Black and black wanna-be students return. The rapper helps eliminate memories of the somber occasion spitting lyrics like "when these streets keep calling, heard it when I was sleep/ That this Gay-Z and Cock-A-Fella Records wanted beef". Wounds, thou art healed.

7:45PM - John Mayer takes the stage, White people and females return. Mayer's an okay guy, but his music is for pussies. For every good thing he accomplished there's something to balance it out. He did an episode of Chappelle's Show...but then he wrote that lame song about fathers and daughters who grow up to be mothers. He got to tear up Jessica Simpson's body and mega-rack...but he had to suffer that horsey mug and her sneaker-sized IQ.

8:55PM - Some douchebag from Quizno's will jerk off his employer by talking about what a privilege it is for Quizno's to present this special show to the campus because Quizno's cares about Virgina Tech and the students, more than say just offering six new choices for Quizno's customers on the Quizno's low fat sandwich menu, only at Quizno's. The audience won't care because it is getting a free show, and some of them even like toasted subs.

9:10PM - Dave Matthews Band hits the stage. Lane Stadium has a 47% pot smoke oxygen content. After the first couple of songs Dave asks the crowd to observe a moment of silence for all who lost their lives, and then follows it up with a kick-ass 32 minute rendition of "Warehouse". Grief counselors agree, extended violin and saxophone solos are the most effective way to get past a traumatic episode.

5:34AM Sept. 9th - Dave Matthews Band encore set finally ends.