Steve Moore AKA The Mad Drummer

You can have the highlights...

or go for the gusto!

Daughters Of Violence

Melanie Gabriel sings her dad's song at his concert.

Unlucky In Valencia

Goddamn that is the crash of the year! (and we're only 9 races in).

And to top it off, Mark Webber walked away from the crash fairly unscathed. Did I make a "Red Bull gives you wings" joke when we were watching it? You bet!

A Mature Shade Of Red

And Then That Happened

U.S.A.? U.S.A.!

Round of 16 coming up, bitches!

Actually, I Think You Do Need Guns

Desmond's Wake Up Call

Think Geek has the hottest post-Lost swag around:

It's been a long, boring day down in the Swan, chilling in your khaki jumpsuit, listening to your favorite Mama Cass record and staring at a blinking cursor.

Where's your partner? Why can't you switch off number-punching duties? Oh, right. You killed him. And now you have to wake up every 108 minutes or the world starts shaking and metallic objects threaten to pin you against the wall.

Trust us, brother, this is no way to live. And luckily--or not, right, Hugo?--you don't have to. Our Dharma Initiative Alarm Clock is conveniently programmable to go off only once every 24 hours, and at a time convenient to you.

But if you don't get the numbers right before you see the hieroglyphs, there's no guaranteeing what will happen.

Sadly, it's not real...but maybe it's available in a sideways reality.

One More Trick Up His Sleeve?

Did Bernie Madoff swindle the feds as well as his high-flying fund investors?

That's the headline in the latest New York Post. According to a prison informant serving time with Madoff in federal prison, the Ponzi scheme mastermind claims to have sequestered $9 billion prior to his arrest. The unnamed inmate said Madoff bragged openly that he funneled the money to three friends — and that his former partner, Frank DiPascali, knows the identities of the three secret billionaires. The source claims Madoff suspects DiPascali (who pleaded guilty last year to helping Madoff fleece his investors) is using that information to cut a deal with the feds.

Could Madoff have managed to hide such a large sum of money from the army of auditors and investigators who've pored over his records? Or was he just trying to earn some cred and boost his rep? John Carney, a senior editor at CNBC.com, thinks it's entirely plausible. "Remember," he adds, "Madoff all but turned himself in. That means he had plenty of time to stash away assets overseas. I'd be shocked if he did not do this."

The prison informant added Madoff became acutely depressed and believed his wife would "take up with another man" after a book revealed his long string of extramarital affairs. And to treat his condition, the inmate claims, Madoff sought therapy from the prison psychiatrist.

What's more, the informant claims that the injuries Madoff suffered in prison last year — commonly attributed at the time to a prison beatdown — actually arose from Madoff's own adverse reactions to a prescribed antidepressant. The mystery gabber contradicted tales from another inmate serving time with Madoff that insisted anyone who physically harmed the scam artist in prison would face violent retribution. Well, that would be a shame if it wasn't true that an unrepentant Madoff said "fuck my victims".

It's Not Just Start Wars Films

Red Letter Media also watches non-sci-fi fanfare. And skewers them.

Infrared Trees

I Think They're Gonna Need A Bigger Pine Box

Former NBA center Manute Bol passed away from acute kidney failure and the rare skin disease, Stevens-Johnson Syndrome. Do you remember the big guy?

The 7’7” Bol was a NBA fixture for 10 seasons after being drafted by the Washington Bullets in 1985. Mostly known for his height – especially after he was paired with 5’3” point guard Muggsy Bogues – Bol finished his career 14th in NBA history in blocked shots, and remains the only player to have more career blocks than points scored. But his legacy may not be from ball but a contribution to modern slang - he's credited with coining the popular apology – “My bad.”

It's said that Bol might have created the phrase in the 80s when he was playing with the Golden State Warriors. If Bol made a mistake in practice, he would announce, “My bad” as his way of saying that it was his fault. The phrase caught on with his teammates and eventually the majority of the country.

Kubrick vs Scorsese

Everybody wins in this case.

Where Have You Gone Five And Dime Jimmy Dean? (He's Dead)

Jimmy Dean, breakfast meat scion and the musician, died earlier this week at 81, and GAWKER paid tribute to the sausage king by calling out some of his delicious inventions, which in turned forced me to throw in my two cents.

Pancakes and Sausage on a Stick (Chocolate Chip)

My first thought was holy fuck, how could this ever come into existence? I've never had a McGriddle - mostly because I don't need to eat foods injected with syrup, and which people claim it's delicious, I don't need 17 tastes going on at once. And that's what this represents to me. The concept is already kinda nasty - smoked meat wrapped in a pancake. But then, the pancake is flavored with chocolate chips, which I don't think is exactly a good pairing with sausage. And the whole unnatural experience is then shoved onto a stick. The company no longer offers the chocolate chip variety, though cooler heads prevailed in the marketing department and kept blueberry around (still disgusting). It's said that one pancake and sausage is 20% your recommended daily allowance for fat. I don't know, that seems a little


Breakfast Bowls: Pancakes and Syrup & Sausage Links

The bowl concept is good when there's a blend of things going on, like a some scrambled eggs and cheese with some ham and peppers and cheese. But why must a pancake be served in a bowl? To keep in a torrent of syrup? To trap the prerequsite meat being served? There's even money that there was an excess of plastic bowls purchased in bulk from a distributor and the company just said, "what ever we come up with next for a breakfast product, it's got to be served in a bowl". The 52% of your recomended daily allowance of fat was just a bonus.

D-Lights Turkey Sausage Whole Grain Bagel

A modern era invention, for sure. It retains the concept that made Jimmy Dean right up there on the heart attack list - meat, egg, and cheese, all stacked together, but the execution is more those who want to imagine they're eating the real deal. Not that healthier version are bad, but you've got turkey (not pork) sausage, egg whites (not with yolk), a low calorie version of American cheese, and a whole grain bagel (it is one of the few falavors of bagel that should not exist). As far as the brand name goes, who are they using it to lure in that's buying healthy?

Sausage, Egg and Cheese on a Croissant with Diced Apples & Seasoned Hash Browns

There's barely enought room to put the whole name on the box, but when there's that much on the plate, you'd better find a way to let people know what they're getting. Frighteningly, it's nearly impossible from the picture to tell which are the seasoned hash browns and which are the diced apple, and tasting either might not help either. One plate of this mess is 46% of your RDA for fat.

Let's Trash Shit...For No Good Reason!

Is this how you savor victory?

Nana, The Toaster

This toaster and other objects were created by Dutch artist Wieke Somers. She uses a prototype printing machine to create these objects, mixing dead people ashes and epoxy, which get melted in layers following a 3D model.

Street Ivory

Let's not delve too deep into what "is" art, because ultimately, there can be no consensus. But fortunate New Yorkers can mark themselves down for another +1 on the self-importance scale as they are the debut U.S. stop for a worldwide tour of an "art installation" of 50 pianos.

For two weeks, anyone can play tunes on pianos all over New York City, at famous landmarks like the Lincoln Center, the foot of the Brooklyn Bridge, the Staten Island ferry terminal and Central Park's bandshell. The concept, devised by British artist Luke Jerram, has put more than 130 pianos in parks, squares and bus stations since 2008. The cities effected by this blight include London, Sydney and Sao Paulo.

"There's going to be a huge amount of talent here," Jerram said. "The piano's actually a blank canvas for everyone's creativity, really, so I just hope that the city enjoys it." Oh, fuck you, dickhead. Go listen to some of the crackheads in Battery Park try their hand at a song and you'll see the void in skill.

The New York installation will be the largest in the project - there were only 30 pianos in London last year. Each of the 50 pianos to be installed throughout New York has its own attendants responsible for its care, unlocking the keyboard at 9 a.m. every day and deploying a heavy tarp if it rains.

The pianos were donated for the cause and have been painted and decorated by artists, which means in addition to hearing shitty music, there'll also be shitty decorations. The punishment will be delivered to 27 locations in Manhattan, 10 in Brooklyn, five in Queens and four each in Staten Island and the Bronx.

According to a website about the project, this jerk Jerram got the idea at his local coin-operated laundry, where he saw the same people there every weekend, but none of them talked to each other. He thought a piano might help bring people together in places like that. Hey asshole, it's not a pub, it's for cleaning stains off your sheets and underwear. People at a laundromat want to be anonymous and left alone. It's not a pick up joint or a place to make friends, and if you don't believe me, go to one in Harlem - with or without a piano - and see how long it take you to get stabbed after you approach a stranger.

Most pianos will be open for song until 10 p.m.
(*sarcastic smirk, waves arms in excitement*)

Dilli Dalli!

In Latvia, breakfast for children is served with a healthy dose of drugs.

You And You And You And YouTube

The YouTube Video Editor has quietly arrived, mixing the the power of video editing with a web based platform. As a logged in user, you can cut and paste together your uploaded clips together into new uploadable videos.

The editor works like most other linear video editing tools. First, you select a clip you've uploaded, then you trim the clip to your desired length, and drop it in your video timeline. There's also tracks from the AudioSwap library to drg and drop into you mix and edit.

It's just one of many interesting posts on Google Operating System, a blog that has tips, tricks, and tales about the big G.

Vuvuzela 101

If you're getting swept up in World Cup fever, no doubt you've dealt with the noise of the vuvuzelas - either in a white noise or distracting fashion.

The vuvuzela is like a medieval trumpet (the kind they hung banners off), and is played by blowing a raspberry into the mouthpiece. For acoustic nerds, the fluttering of the player's lips approximately 235 times a second resonate through the conical bore. It is said that a single vuvuzela played by a decent trumpeter is reminiscent of a hunting horn, but more commonly sounds like an elephant trumpeting, due in part to inconsistent airflow and motion of the lips. Of course, when there's hundred of them sounding off at the same time, it's more akin to a swarm of insects.

But how the hell do they get to be so loud? Well, most of that comes form the bore shape - conical, with flares. The main tone is at 235 hertz, and has harmonics at 470, 700, 940, 1171, 1400 and 1630 hertz (another treat for you sound geeks). By design, a flared instrument has louder higher-frequency harmonics than a cylindrical one, and is perceived as louder because the higher harmonics are at frequencies where our hearing is most sensitive. This is partly why the conical saxophone sounds louder than the cylindrical clarinet. And also why Wikipedia exists - to look that stuff up rather than actually know it.

The vuvuzela gets up to about 116 decibels and on television, it may seem louder. As noted above, there are key frequencies to squash if you don't naturally tune it out (I do), and there's an extensive number of ways how to here.

Stellar Parenting

Priorities are slightly different in other countries...if the kid fell at the end, it would be perfect (and prove my point even more).

American Appearance

GAWKER shares my snark towards American Apparel, and thankfully they have both the staff and time to dedicate to be all over them like unoriginality on a hipster.

They have detailed how the basic apparel manufacturer / sexual harassment law suit generator hires and fires employees based on photos, and leaked internal documents that amounts to preference against the unattractive (I'm not saying that's exactly wrong...who wants to look at ugly folks 40+ hours a weeks?). Now they have uncovered the "AA Grooming Standards".

American Apparel's men's grooming standards:

From: Katherine Johnson
Sent: Sun 3/28/2010 8:15 AM
To: [AA employees]
Subject: Grooming- Males

Hi everyone,

Males as well as females are expected to exude the understanding of the brand's appreciation for a natural and healthy appearance. Below are a few notes as well as photographic examples that should be circulated to the staff, specifically to male employees.

• Hair should look natural. Excessive product to the extent of creating stiffness and an unnatural or greasy appearance to your hair is advised against.
- Translation: don't look like the dudes in the ads.

• Eyebrows should be natural. Please do not dye your eyebrows a different color or overpluck them.
- And don't look like the people buying the stuff in the store, either.

• Males should not wear makeup.
- That's more of a general rule for life than a company policy, but kinda sad if they need to point that out.

• Facial hair needs to be kept clean and well groomed. Any mustache or goatee of a contemporary style are advised against.
- Is there an anachronistic set of facial designs that are acceptable? Mutton chops? Fu-Manchu? Handlebar? Everyone get your short, 80's cocaine beards!

• No gauges allowed whatsoever.
- I believe they're talking about piercings, not porn star Gauge, who I'm sure the straight males there would like.

They were kind enough to also reminder everyone about basic dress code:

• Button-up shirts must be tucked in to trousers.
- This ain't a frat house, jerks. Tuck that shit in!

• Sneakers of any style are not allowed. Plain white clean Keds or Keds-like shoes are allowed.
- Sorry for the confusion employees, but we were just too lazy to delete the first sentence, since clearly simple white sneakers are acceptable.

• Please do not wear any earrings. All accessories and watches must be clean, simple, and tasteful. They cannot distract from the garments.
- Swatch watches are not allowed. And though you're not supposed to wear make up, you're at least supposed to think like a gal and accessorize.

• Garments must fit properly. Trousers cannot be too tight or too baggy - and must be clean. Shirts cannot be oversized or too tight. If there is an employee that does not wear garments that fit properly, please contact me ASAP so we can resolve the matter.
- Yes, Katherine Johnson will inspect your dickprint if those pants are too snug - or check your ass crack on you're saggin'.

• Belts must be worn with trousers that have belt loops.
- What men's pants don't have belt loops? And how could they be acceptable ever?

Pornucopia

Growing up, I was a Sci-Fi and Fantasy nerd, but rather than read Clarke or Tolkien, my favorite author was Piers Anthony. I read his Xanth series as well his Incarnations Of Immortality, Apprentice Adept, and Space Tyrant books, but I never knew his dirty little secret...

He also wrote a pair of adult minded erotic novels.

Pornucopia is about a guy who had a superhuman immunity to venereal diseases. The Amazon description sez:

Pornucopia is a picaresque black comedy that transgresses all bounds of everyday good taste. It begins in a near-future world where sex-vending machines and genital transplants are taken for granted.

Prior Gross, the hero and sex object of this wild adventure, thinks his fantasies have all come true when a beautiful young woman seduces him on a public beach. She turns out to be a succubus, beginning his initiation into a realm populated by demons that are not merely horned, but horny. He encounters a perverse cast of characters that includes a satyr, a vampire, and a pair of luscious sisters, one of whom tricks him out of his manhood.

Boing Boing, who brought the subject to light, found an authors note that is allegedly from the inside flap of the book:

...In 1969 Essex House was publishing some highly fantastic erotica, and I though I'd try my hand.

I started Pornucopia [as 3.97 Erect] that year--and quit a month later when the publisher shut down the line. My sexy market had been yanked out from under me just when I was getting hot! Later I recovered and completed the effort in 1970, my fourteenth novel. Now, after almost twenty years and considerable struggle, it is my seventy-fourth published book.

I try to do the best job I can do of whatever I do do. Here I was trying for something truly fascinating, outrageous, erotic and funny, as a challenge. I oppose censorship, and I feel the erotic urge should be considered healthy and fun, not obscene. I do have limits: you will find no sado-masochism. If there are any other erotic or scatologic taboos I have not gleefully parodied, I regret it; I plead a sheltered life.

However, in the interim I have developed a considerable juvenile readership, and I don't want my young readers to get in trouble. This novel is therefore being published and marketed for an exclusively adult audience, and may still shock and disgust many. Be warned: this is not Xanth. But those who want their minds wickedly stretched, read on.

I've outgrown the punny Xanth series, but it would be a laugh to see his style of writing with a porn twist. Or I could check out his other adult book, The Magic Fart (really).

Guess Who Else Is Coming To Dinner

Checkered Hambone

What a weekend! Our boy Hamilton got the win, made even sweeter by edging out that damned Ferrari and Fernando Alonso (sorry MJ), and a crazy qualifying where Hamilton literally drove his car until it ran out of gas on the last lap and got pole by tenths of a second.

I would love to go into greater detail about the races, but I'm wrecked from the travel. You see, that little nosebleed on the plane on our way out to Montreal got me logged into the airline's system, and suddenly I have a hold on travelling like some kind of patient zero for the apocalypse virus. Conveniently, nobody from the airline felt like mentioning the "health hold" that was put on me at any time before showing up at customs for our 8am flight back to the states, so imagine my irritation having not only checked in, passed security, and gone through customs, only to be kept from boarding the flight at the gate five minutes before the flight.

Rather than abandon me since he was clear to fly (though it would have done little good since his car and keys were out of reach at my place, and my car was at the airport), Rybot and I had a travel adventure for the day. The next direct flight back to L.A. was nine hours later, but there was a flight from Montreal to Toronto in about half the wait time, and then connecting to L.A. with an earlier arrival, and we decided that being in motion was better than just sitting an waiting. Fortunately, my bitching about the situation and their lack of contact letting me know there was one, landed us in the VIP lounge so we could be comfortable and graze their complimentary buffet.

Of course, it was not all to go smoothly. The flight from Montreal to Toronto was delayed because there was a group of special needs passengers from the Netherlands who had to have the inbound plane specially retrofitted for their cages or something, so putting it back together for regular folks held the departure up. How much? Enough so that the 50 plus passengers who were connecting through Toronto to other U.S. bound flights needed to get their luggage and pass through customs to get to their new gates. Ever try to depart a plane, cross a terminal, pick up your luggage, pass through customs, and get to a gate in 40 minutes? I was expecting another blood-faced explosion from the stress.

By the will of a pantheon of gods, the good karma of the McLaren team's win, and an OJ Simpson style scramble (for Hertz, not a double murder). Rybot and I made it with moments to spare and get on the flight out of Toronto. Nineteen hours since we began our trip, we made it back home...and as I said, I'm done for this day.

Damn You, Tiny Penis!!!

I'm not too familiar with James Joyce - I was a history major in college, but I did frequent the bar downtown that bore his name. So it would not be surprising that Ulysses is unknown to me. And if I was to own iPad, it would still be a further mystery, due to Apple's censorship policies.

Decades ago, Ulysses was banned from publication in the United States because of a scene in which (central character) Leopold Bloom masturbates on a beach while fireworks burst nearby, which coincidentally is my plan for the upcoming 4th of July. The courts eventually decided the episode wasn’t obscene because it didn’t promote lust, because, well, think about it - a dude rubbing one out in the sand under explosions in the sky...there's more erotically charged material in a Macys sales ad. But now, a webcomic adaptation of the book by Rob Berry and Josh Levitas has been blocked from iPads and iPhones due to cartoon nudity.

Yep, that's what's causing the uproar...Buck Mulligan diving nude into the sea.

Sure, Apple's policy for the iPad/Phone about sexual content exists for obvious reasons, but this just doesn't hit the mark in my opinion. I think of the uproar from John Ashcroft about covering a statue of Lady Justice because of her bare bosom and wonder how incredibly sensitive some people must be to any part of anatomy (though it's clear they are too sensitive.)

Berry said, "While the first chapter of the book, the one now at iTunes, doesn't contain "offensive language" our comic does have frank nudity. Something we figured we might have to pixelate or cover with "fig leaves". But Apple's policy prohibits even that. So we were forced to either scrap the idea of moving to the tablet with Apple or re-design our pages.

I guess it shows how serious and important Apple views itself, because their definition of obscenity is more narrow than U.S. courts!

True Reverse Perspective

Montreal Grand Prix 2010 Weekend

Rybot, MJ, and I took to the Metro and rode to Old Montreal, which was exactly as I'd pictured it - very European, with narrow, stone-inlaid streets. Thus far the food has been very good, though it's not as if there's a Canadian cuisine to be had, but the different spots we've been to since yesterday have done us well. We're looking forward to the quallies and the race, but you'll have to wait until after the weekend to hear about it.

Best of the week: Gavin Stanger made an impression on Wenatchee police with the amount of contraband he was able to smuggle into the jail. Rectally.


He was booked into jail on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct, and had arranged to serve three days in jail on the charge. No contraband was found on a pat-down search or on a later strip search, but about 90 minutes later, while Stanger was in a single holding jail, a jailer found a plastic bag and duct tape floating in the cell’s toilet.


The score? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. That's a pretty impressive haul for three days. And for one asshole.


And: Where does one buy lingerie, sex toys or ointments in a regions of the world which frowns on any open displays of sexuality? It's a trick! You are an infidel and sinner and shall be put to death!


Actually, it's Khadija Ahmed's sex shop in Bahrain, which has been making burkas throb since 2008. Khadija Fashion House sells adult products through her website to customers across the Persian Gulf. Most of the items she sells are already available in Bahrain's shops and pharmacies anyway, and she avoids products that might stir public anger. "I don't sell vibrators for example, as this is against Islam." Oddly, other toys such as vibration rings were fine. Oh, the hypocrisy of religion.


Ahmed has not encountered much trouble with the public in Bahrain once she replaced lingerie in her display window with short dresses after threats complaints from neighbors and a nearby mosque. Discussing and displaying sex in public is a taboo in most Middle Eastern countries, but Islamic scholars have also said that sex toys are legitimate if used by married couples. See, those imams can loosen up. Bahrain is considered one of the more liberal countries in the Gulf region, allowing the sale of alcohol in bars and designated shops. Saudis, Qataris and Kuwaitis flock to the island kingdom each weekend to enjoy its nightlife.


Ahmed often has trouble getting her shipments cleared through customs and once ran into a spot of trouble when an official refused to clear a shipment of massage tools and vibration rings. She is not aware of any similar shop in the region, but is considering opening branches in Dubai, Lebanon and one of Bahrain's shopping malls.


Best bonus links:
• Study: Children Of Lesbians May Do Better Than Peers - I'm not sure at what, but the lesbians thing caught my attention.


• Mexico Teen Killed By US Border Patrol, Anger High - That's not allowed...to be made public. Because I'm sure that's not the first illegal killed by the Border Patrol.


• The Neverending, Never-Tell-Mommy Story - Interspecies and underage? Yikes!


• "It's Like A Herpes Nest" - On the season finale, the CDC should storm the Jersey Shore house and quarantine the lot of them.


• Source: Lohan's Ankle Monitor Went Off This Week / Judge Says Lohan Violated Terms Of Her Bail - Lindsay breaks more laws before 9am than you do all day.


• Studies Show Jews' Genetic Similarity - And contrary to rumor, there's no predisposition to banking, law, medicine, or entertainment.


• Four Minutes Of Action Movie Visual Cliches Set To Jesus Lizard - Just watch this 26 more times and you've got a hell of a movie.


• Phenom! Strasburg Strikes Out 14 In Nats Debut - Easy there, pal. Don't set the bar too high for yourself...unless you're going to strike out 15 in your second game...


• Executioner: Death By Firing Squad Is '100 Percent Justice' - Who am I to argue with the guy who shoot people to death for a living?


• Install A Full Power Panel In Your Car - Hands free doesn't have to be fun free!


• Pilot Killed In Hang Glider Crash During San Bernardino Aerobatics Contest - And he clearly lost.


• "Titanic 2- Mermaid Saviors" Sounds Awesome - Without James Cameron and a billion dollars in special effects, a title like that is what it would take for me to be interested.


• Israeli Patrol Kills Four Militants In Diving Suits - You have to pay to rent on their beaches! No bringing your own gear!


• 13-Year-Old Girl Drops The C-Word On ‘The Today Show’ - And I'll give you a hint: it wasn't "CBS".


• Reverse Engineering McDonald's French Fries - Now you can make them at home...because the trouble to make them from scratch is far easier than spending 99 cents.


• Same Newspaper Used On Set For Decades - Unfortunately, so have many of the same stale jokes.


• Don't Climb A Mountain In A Thunderstorm Before Proposing To Your Girlfriend - You know this can not end well. Hilariously, but not well.


Worst of the week: About 100 professional clowns who make money by performing on public buses marched through the Salvadoran capital to protest the killing of a passenger by two impostor clowns.

Now that you've read that, let's go back through because it may not have sunk in. In El Salvador, on-transit clown is an actual profession. and there's nearly 100 making their living at it. And they mobilized to protest a bus passenger killed by criminals who felt the best way to make money was to pose as on-transit clowns. And you though the US had a bad job market...


A man was shot five times in the face and stomach when he declined to give money to two assailants dressed as clowns who boarded a public bus. The protesters - who clearly wanted to be taken seriously, wearing oversized bow ties, tiny hats and big yellow pants, marched down San Salvador's main street in an effort to both entertain and educate passersby. Several held signs insisting that real clowns are not criminals. Clown-union leader (they have a union?) Carlos Vasquez says he plans to issue IDs to all real clowns and urge police to detain those who do not have them.


Can it be that big of a deal? About a dozen people are killed daily in El Salvador, which police attribute primarily to gang members, drug traffickers and other organized crime. And now, clowns.


Worst bonus links:
• Dog Whisperer Host Cesar Millan And Wife Divorcing - You can train some of the bitches some of the time, but you can't train all of the bitches all of the time.


• Secret Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross Oceans - And no, it's not on boats....though that makes sense.


• Kid Cudi Arrested On Charges Of Criminal Mischief, Possession Of A Controlled Substance - A lesser charge of "Who the fuck is Kid Cudi" was dropped.


• Christina Ricci Wants A Brazilian Booty Lift - I think I saw that in a movie. It was disgusting. Or maybe I'm thinking of Brazilian Booty Gangbang 3.


• Helen Thomas Retires In Flap Over Israel Remarks - Nobody listens to the half-baked comments of the elderly...unless they're internationally known reporters.


• Snooki: All I Want Is to Make Guido Babies! - Suddenly, I can't argue against euthanasia. Or euthinjersey.


• Mad Men's January Jones Involved In Accident After Being Followed By Paparazzi - They crapped themselves when they realized it wasn't Christina Hendricks.


• Toddler Falls From Bronx Balcony - Don't feel bad...it was going to grow up to be a hipster.


• Round-The-World Teen Sailor Feared Lost At Sea - Somewhere, there's a family about to lock their parent-of-the-year nomination.


• Laurie Anderson Performs Opera House Dog Concert - Performance artists are shit. Even for dogs.


• Surgery No Longer A Requirement For Changing Gender On Passport - You don't need to be a man to call yourself one...just warn the TSA not to panic if they give you a pat down.


• Former High School Principal Pleads No Contest To Molesting Four Students - The uncontested and still reigning champion of ruining teenagers lives...Mr. Belding!


• Scientists Use Calvin Klein Cologne To Lure Jaguars - Now is the time for them to launch "Sex Panther" cologne.


• Obama's Finding Out 'Whose Ass To Kick' In Oil Mess - Spoiler alert: it's major American corporate business interests and wealthy political donors.


• Report: Larry King's Wife Overdosed On Pills - If it was eternal rest or waking up to that shrivelled husk every morning, what would you do?


• Flash Floods Kill At Least 16 At Arkansas Campground - If only they had lived, the headline could have read "16 finally bathed...".


• Real Housewives’ Danielle Staub Has A Sex Tape - And just like her horrible show, I have no interest in seeing it.

The Golden Army

Oh how I wish this was about Hellboy 2...

The simple, generic looking green army men from many a boy's childhood have been drafted in a different medium. Once molded plastic, the soldiers have been unnecessarily cast in 24-karat gold. The the limited-edition set of five goes for $500. Can you imagine how epic a battle you'd have if you bought $500 with of the plastic versions?

The toy soldiers will be sold exclusively at Partners & Spade in New York, to rich assholes who can pride themselves in a new and creative way to waste money when throwing it away or burning it won't suffice. Press release? Yeah, they have one:

“Each soldier is handmade, individually capturing a slightly different look and feel, so no two will be exactly the same. In addition, they are all engaged in various activities — some are marching, some are standing guard, and others are taking pictures. Accompanying the soldiers are four environmental props, also 24-karat gold, ranging from a chiseled brick wall and barrel that provide a safe place for cover, to a pile of debris that remains from battle. Through adding these pieces to the set, [Chandelier Creative founder Richard] Christiansen provides the means for one to fully envision the settings soldiers encounter on a daily basis.”

Oh, fuck you. One hundred boxed sets will be sold to suckers, and individual soldiers are unreasonably priced at $125.

Montreal GP 2010: Friday Practice

Rybot and I took a taxi all the way down to the track, which was not cheap, but the most effective way to get from the hotel before the practice sessions. Our driver was a friendly but emphatic Lebanese man who, as we found out, had immigrated to Canada around 20 years ago. He was happy to have the tourists from the race in town, and was generally discontent with the way government ran. This motif and personal history for drivers was pretty much repeated throughout the weekend.

When we arrived, we found the entrance, but to pick our tickets up we had to go about a mile in the opposite direction. The lines were unorganized and long, and while we waited to get our passes for the weekend, we chatted up some of the other enthusiasts and ended up befriending a guy named MJ who's section was right next to ours - and also had the same hike around the island to reach the grandstands. He soon became the third stooge in our wanderings about Montreal.

Here's the view on Turns 1 and 2 from our section...the starting line is just of to the right .

Down the western side of the track, here's the straight outside of Turn 9.

At the opposite end of the track from us is the hairpin, where Robert Kubica had the most gnarly crash in 2007. Or pretty much any year. Seriously, if not for the safety features and incredible science that goes into making these cars, he'd be dead as hell.

Here's a sweet animated overhead view of the track, showing the speed and gear driver would take the turns at. What a beautiful place! Here, Mark Webber does a full virtual lap in a simulator.

It's not just the drivers who have to warm up - the pit crews even have their practice!

What's it like to see the track from the driver's perspective? This guy took his motorbike on the course and takes you on a lap!

Dynamic Unlikable Duo Together Thru 2012

Just prior to the Montreal GP, Ferrari have announced Felipe "I got hit in the head with a 2 lb spring at over 150 mph and missed half of last year" Massa will continue to drive for the team until the end of the 2012 season.

Massa began racing for Ferrari in 2006, following a stint at Sauber (who was using Ferrari engines), and over his 69 Grands Prix with the Italian outfit has had 11 wins, 30 podiums, 15 pole positions, 12 fastest race laps and 360 points - but no championship.

“I am happy to be given the opportunity to drive for Ferrari for a further two seasons. Throughout my entire Formula One career, I have always raced with an engine made in Maranello and it is a matter of pride for me to be able to continue working with a team that I regard as a second family." Yeah, a family that booted Kimi Raikkonen with a year left on his contract so they could poach former 2-time world champ Fernando Alonso.

Ferrari team principal Stefano Domenicali added, "Felipe has been part of Ferrari for almost a decade and together with us, he has grown as a driver and as a man, going through some very difficult times as well as giving us moments of great happiness. We wanted to show proof of stability for the future, believing in the worth of a driver pairing that is without equal in terms of talent, speed and its ability to work together for the good of the team." Translation - he knows he's the number two driver and isn't raising a fuss, so he can stay.

Whatever...you're cursed after what you did to Kimi, and you can enjoy two more seasons of bad luck for it too, now that you've gone and put it to paper.

Off To The Races...

In 24 hours we'll be out on turn 2, right there at the bottom of the picture!


UPDATE: We made it cross country and over the border...though there was a moment I thought I wasn't going to make it. Somewhere in the second hour of the flight I had a surprise nosebleed, which I don't get. EVER. Not in my day to day or when flying. But I must have blown a vessel somehow (all the stress from work - and not being there, prep for travel, Scarlett moving in next week, Herr Docktor's wedding the week after), and it was quite a nosebleed.

I moved to the galley in the back of the plane and signaled the flight crew, and when it appeared that it wasn't just a few drops, they found a doctor on board. In the most awesome turn of luck, the doctor on the plane was a Orange County based neurosurgeon, which made me feel a whole lot better about having a bloody faucet coming from somewhere in my head. The bleeding was stopped and after a check of my vitals, I was able to go back to my seat and ride out the rest of the flight.

Starburns

That's Why Alcatraz Was So Close

Doug McClure made crime fun to look at. Using 2009 data, he's moved into 3D representations, and a full dataset can be downloaded from the city’s DataSF website. His version is better.

Bag O' Zef

Who Is Alvin Greene?

I didn't even realize today was a round of election primaries, but I liked this: some unemployed guy defeated a former legislator in South Carolina's Democratic senate primary.

Really.

With no website, zero money, and not even lawn signs, Alvin Greene won. The military veteran will face Republican Jim DeMint in November. Greene (32) commanded 59% of the vote with almost all precincts reporting, heartily beating former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl. Even the State Democratic Party chairwoman was confounded, postulating voters unfamiliar with either candidate may have voted alphabetically for Greene over Rawl. God, that would really put a bullet between the eyes of faith in country.

Rawl said he was disappointed, which is a gigantic understatement. "I would've liked very much to be a candidate against Jim DeMint." Rawl added of his victor, "I never saw him. I've still never met him." As for Greene, he couldn't explain it either but thanked voters in a state numb with high unemployment and said: "Let's continue to make history and get South Carolina back to work."

Greene said he spent a total of 13 years in the Air Force and Army before leaving the Army in August. Is he a patsy for the fall election? To be continued...

Lovecraft, Leto II, And Lynch (For Starters)

Kind of like His Words - Not Mine, there was the 52 Weeks Project by Greg Ruth. He's now doing the weekly Freaks Of The Heartland:

Well, you know as an artist, you're kind of encouraged to indulge your desires bit more than the rest of the world, but when you make your art your means of paying the bills, that kind of thing doesn't always work out. It's not like I'm suffering tremendously under the yoke of having to draw other people's notions, or that I'm hacking out mindless stuff for a buck-I've been really fortunate to have avoided a good deal of those scenarios, and paint and draw what inspires me, but the demand to make the bills does factor in anyway. 52 Weeks is a response to that. It serves no purpose at all, really, other than to require me to make a drawing that doesn't necessarily have a place to go.

Doing this exercise publicly, and even selling the drawings at half their normal rate both forces me to keep up with it, and also to not take it so seriously... which I do for most everything else. They're literally for the fun of it, and it's been really wonderful. But the real surprise has been the down-ballot effect on the other projects. Even those that I truly love doing can get tiring after a while, and you know, I can get lost in the thing and despair a bit. This project just yanks me back up to the surface every week, and recharge. I've actually been far more eager and happy to sit down with the day-today work now because of it. Sort of like having a artistic version of working for thegreg ruth weekend. Plus the responses have been really wonderful and interesting. It's funny what kinds of reactions certain images trigger in people.