Lava Vs. Ice

Kubrick vs Scorsese

Everybody wins in this case.

Second Rate Snacks

Is the imitation as good as the original? Cookies, crackers, snacks and goodies get the head to head competition treatment as a group of cultured pallets solve age old questions...like this:

Cheez-Its are one of my all-time favorite snacks. For some reason they go really well with Tab. I thought it was just me but I had some people try the Tab with Cheez-its once and they agreed. I don’t know what it is but I don’t care. Cheez-Its of course do mighty fine on their own too and that’s why I love them so much. I’ve tried other brands but they’re just not the same. For this evaluation, I got the arch enemy of Cheez-Its: Cheese Nips.

Cheez-It
One comment was that these have a toasty cheese flavor. We all felt the saltiness was just right and they have a good crunch to them. I usually like to let these sit in my mouth for a little bit and suck off the salt and then let the “it” soften up and then that’s when I take a swig of Tab (so good!). We all agreed these had a very satisfying cheese flavor and a nice crunchy (one person thought somewhat buttery as well) texture.

Cheese Nips
Cheese Nips were visually different in that they seemed to have less texture, like a saltine. There isn’t the salt presence that Cheez-it has, although some did have a few smaller granules of salt on them. We agreed these lacked the same full-bodied cheese flavor and almost resembled an oyster cracker with a little bit of cheese flavor. Also, these were a little dryer than Cheez-Its and didn’t soften in my mouth the way Cheez-its do.

Verdict
Cheez-It all the way from all of us. Although Cheese Nips claim they have real Cheddar cheese in them and Cheez-It’s don’t, I guess whatever Cheez-It is doing is right (to us anyway) because we enjoyed these much more. I know this is kind of touchy because people seem to get upset over these dueling cheese crackers. I mentioned I was going to compare these to the intern at work (way back earlier this month when I had a job) and she felt very strongly about Cheese Nips and how disgusting Cheez-Its were, almost like she thought people who favored Cheez-Its also ate dog food.

Badge vs. Badge

I waited to put this post up, so that more of you could see Observe And Report without ruining it with discussion. I've you've seen Paul Blart: Mall Cop, then that movie was already ruined for you. Anyway, this in an interesting comparison of the two films from Cinema Blend:

It's undeniable that Observe And Report is a better movie than Paul Blart: Mall Cop. But it's also strange how many similarities there are between the two movies, despite all of Warner Bros. efforts to tell us that they have nothing to do with each other. Yes, Observe And Report is a wicked and deranged satire of American masculinity, while Paul Blart is that movie you went to with your parents when nothing else was playing in January. But they're both working off the same template, the same general idea of "Whoah, mall cops sure are funny," and in some ways draw the same conclusions about their pitiful characters.

Here are several ways in which Observe And Report is exactly like Paul Blart, from major characters to the grand finale. And before you start writing hate mail, stick around for a couple of much more important reasons that Observe And Report is completely unlike that other mall cop movie, and a brilliant movie in and of itself. Just proof that from the same basic premise and characters, two hugely different movies have emerged.

SPOILER WARNING!!! SPOILER WARNING!!!

Since we're talking about the films, you can bet many of the items on the list, especially towards the bottom, are spoilers. You've been warned.

Ways Observe And Report And Paul Blart Are Alike

The fat guy living with his fat mom who pities him
It's not just the mall cop careers that make Paul Blart and Ronnie Barnhardt seem so similar. Both obviously struggle with their weight, and both live with their equally overweight moms, who are supportive and maybe a little overbearing and, in Ronnie's case, a huge mess.

The silly two-wheeled vehicle used for transportation
Paul rides a Segway both in the mall and out, a cheap joke that's used way too many times. Ronnie rides a white Honda motorcycle, which is left as a subtle jab never mentioned by the characters. At the mall Ronnie has an equally-ridiculous ride, a white egg-shaped golf cart, but since it has four wheels, it doesn't count.

The archnemesis working outside the mall with more power
Paul Blart's rival is a SWAT team agent and former high school classmate played by Bobby Cannavale, brought in at the end to handle the robbery in progress. Ronnie's is a much bigger character played by Ray Liotta, a cop who is just as power-mad and maybe deranged as Ronnie, but just does a better job at keeping his cool.

The jokes about mall cops not actually having guns
Probably the one shared joke between the two movies is one about having to pretend you have a gun even though you're not allowed one. Apparently this is a pretty universal mall cop gripe.

The pretty girl crush who works in cosmetics in the mall
For Paul, it's weave salesgirl Amy, played by a very bland but very pretty Jayma Mays. For Ronnie, it's makeup salesgirl Brandi, played by a batshit crazy but also very pretty Anna Faris.

The night out drinking that ends badly, sorta
Paul Blart doesn't really drink, so when he goes out with the other mall workers and downs a margarita before he knows what it is, the night ends in some embarrassing karaoke and falling through a plate glass window. Brandi, on the other hand, is an experienced drinker and pill-taker, but that doesn't stop her from getting just as hammered as Paul does. And while Paul makes a connection with his dream girl while drinking (but before falling through the window), Ronnie gets some face time with the lady as well (before she falls asleep while they're having sex.)

The rivalry with one other mall employee
Paul is constantly teased by a guy working at the bank named Stuart. Ronnie has an ongoing "fuck you" battle with Saddam, who works at the lotion kiosk.

The police training montage
Both Paul and Ronnie really want to be real cops, and while Paul's dream ends in the first scene when he flunks out of the obstacle course, Ronnie hits training halfway through the movie, and is actually pretty good at it. It's the psychological profile that'll get you, though.

The right-hand man who turns out to be a thief
At the end of Paul Blart it turns out that -- gasp! -- the new cop trainee was helping the robbers all along! About three-quarters of the way through Observe And Report, it turns out that the sidekick played by Michael Pena -- gasp! -- is a robber too.

The final showdown in the beloved mall
At the end both Paul and Ronnie have to protect their own turf against invading hordes, and they're the only men for the job. For Paul, this is because he's literally the only person in the mall who hasn't been taken hostage. For Ronnie, it's because he's a complete psychopath.

Ways They Couldn't Be More Different

The tone
You'll be reading a lot about tone in Observe And Report, how it swings wildly between flat-out comedy and brutal darkness, and how depending on who you are, it's either a rousing success or completely disturbing. Whereas Paul Blart, of course, is straight-down-the-line mainstream comedy. Despite the bizarrely similar plot points, Observe And Report sets out its own path early on and only gets weirder from there.

Attitude toward its characters
Much like Jody Hill's first film, The Foot Fist Way, Observe And Report takes an indulgent but highly critical look at its middle-class characters. There's nothing necessarily wrong with driving a crappy car or working a crappy service job or taking too much pride in your miniscule power, but then again, every one of these characters is deranged in some way or another. I don't think I need to explain to you that Paul Blart's approach to its "characters" is pretty much as chess pieces to move around its happy, shiny set.

Where the story actually goes
Paul Blart's story goes in a pretty typical direction, right down to the completely predictable double-crosses and the climactic kiss at the end. In Observe And Report, though, you honestly have no idea where things will go between one scene and another, and multiple moments get nothing from the audience but stunned silence. It's remarkable that a movie can actually be that shocking in 2009.

Observe And Report is a satire
This goes back to that whole "not a mainstream comedy" thing, but the new mall cop movie is taking the notion of a gunless cop and using it to parody the armed and dangerous machismo of modern America. Paul Blart is a poor schlub who couldn't cut it as a real cop; Ronnie Barnhardt is a poor schlub who has been conditioned by his culture to think walking around armed and dangerous is the only way to be a real man.

There are actual guns in Observe And Report
Real-life mall cops must stick to their tasers and nightsticks, but Ronnie Barnhardt gets his firearms in the end.

Virginlicker

Billionaire mogul or psycho-awesome musician. Only their hairdresser knows for sure...

Chef vs Doctor

Yes, it was mentioned before, but with the Tomlin/Epps conection fresh in my mind, we revisit the man who moonlights in the kitchen when not in the OR. And I watch both shows too.

Post-Game Notes

The evil empire beat the rebels as expected, but only in the wanning moments. Herr Docktor is smiling for his steel warriors with whom he shares his birthplace.

SI says what's on everybody's mind - Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps are the same person...plus nine more pigskinners.
And Springsteen was better than the semi-annual descending of Aerosmith upon the half-time show, but did his frozen-in-time mike stand phalus pose result in that dick-first sliding camera crash? I think so...

Ryden vs Nagi Noda

Although the fashion line was released a while back, only recently have the amazing ads for “Broken Label” - a collaboration between Mark Ryden and the late Japanese designer Nagi Noda turned up. This line was sold through Colette in Paris and featured Ryden’s supercool imagery. Apparently, the dresses were one of Noda’s favorites and she must have known her time had come because she was said to have died (last September) wearing her “Mark Ryden dress, Chanel boots, and perfect make-up with Viktor & Rolf lace black eye lashes.”

Inspiration vs Interpretation

This Mr. Show sketch from way back is much funnier after finally seeing what it was based on. I always knew there was an After School Special-like performance out there, and it was as horrific as I hoped. And the Vegaboogie is also why I don't eat vegetables.

Jesus vs. Santa

Satan vs. Santa

Is there a difference?

Natural Beauty vs Touch Ups

A little lipstick and some highlights could turn disgraced Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich into a sexy Janet Reno-type. After his arrest on charges that he brazenly conspired to sell or trade the U.S. Senate seat left vacant by President-elect Barack Obama to the highest bidder, he'll want to make friends in prison.

Cow vs. Plane

True cow tipping, about 3/4 of the way through...

Fop vs. Dandy

Mickey Roarke can dress like a fancy lad because he's a lunatic. Adam Duritz can dress like a saucy boy because he's a pro musician. But should they?

Bond vs. Bond

This is how you put some clips together! And using Brosnan's dialogue from other movies in there kills. Plus those over-done sound fx are hilarious.

Who Is Ryan Howard?

They're both in Philadelphia and are true ballers. Let's see who has job security after October though...

Sounds Vaguely Alike

Joe Escalante points out the odd musical familarity between Devo's "Through Being Cool" and the new Brit-Brit single "Womanizer"

It happens all the time where songs have similar sounding parts. Just look at "A Passage To Bangkok" by Rush and "Indians" by Anthrax.

And what is rap and hip hop if not the exact same thing over and over?

You Have To Boob Them Apart

they're almost the same person, I swear - do you even know which is which?

I saw the godawful How To Rob A Bank, and by saw, I mean watched the first 15 terrible minutes before going to do something on my computer, and then turning it off a few minutes later. But it did have Erika Christensen, who looked way better with her brunette wig on than without in it. Otherwise, she's just Julia Stiles with boobs.

much better with dark hair, I say

Er, just like Julia Stiles but with bigger boobs.

I mean, like, way bigger boobs.

Father vs. Son

So, San Jose Sharks coach Todd McLellan and Joshua "Dawson's Creek" Jackson are not related?

Mrs. Tron

When Tron Guy and Janet Jackson meet, sparks will fly.