The Weekend Is The Finish Line

Big, busy end-of-month at work, and though there's some HW-NM coming up, it feels like just getting to the weekend is the accomplishment. Sitewise, bestiality and baby eating may have come up this week, but that's really just a small sampling of what's happened in the world at large. Like babies being stolen...before they're born. And beyond mayhem, there's photographic proof that monsters walk among us. Is this the dawn of the zombie apocalypse? Even science has let us down, and we're finding out that accomplishments are really not anything at all. It will be nice to take a few days and pay no attention to everything. Or anything. But first...

The best of the week: Michael Schumacher races for Ferrari!

Sensationally, Michael Schumacher is coming out of retirement to race for his former team Ferrari in the absence of the injured Felipe Massa. The seven-time world champion and winningest driver in F1 history (as well as the first billionaire athlete) has not driven competitively since the season-ending Brazilian Grand Prix in October 2006. But Schumacher, who won five of his titles with Ferrari and who has been acting as an advisor to the team of late, will race in the European Grand Prix in Valencia on August 23.

"Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro intends to put Michael Schumacher in Felipe Massa's car until the Brazilian driver will be able to race again," Ferrari confirmed in a statement. "Michael Schumacher said he is ready and, over the next few days, will undertake a specific training program at the end of which confirmation will be given of his participation in the championship with effect from the European Grand Prix on the 23rd of August."

Schumacher will first have to undergo rigorous training as he is understood to still be recovering from neck and back injuries sustained in a motorbike test in February. As the oldest driver (40) and being off the circuit for the last few years, it will be interesting if the sport's best can return to compete with his younger counterparts, or if the comeback will fall flat (we're looking at you, Lance).

Speaking on his official website, Schumacher said: "The most important thing first: thank God, all news concerning Felipe is positive, and I wish him all the best again. This afternoon I met with (team principal) Stefano Domenicali and (president) Luca di Montezemolo and together we decided that I will prepare myself to take the place of Felipe. Though it is true the Formula One chapter has been closed for me for some time, it is also true that for loyalty reasons to the team I cannot ignore this unfortunate situation. But as the competitor I am, I also very much look forward to facing this challenge."

As far as sports goes, this has been an incredibly dramatic and controversial year for F1. The addition of Brawn GP. The out-of-the-blue dominance of Jensen Button. The debate over new diffuser design and their potential illegality. Hamilton-gate and resignations at McLaren over race orders. The development cap battle and potential civil war with breakaway constructors. The firing of Max Mosley. It's like every week something crazy happens. And considering constructor BMW just announced they are dropping out after this year, the season continues to get crazier.

The worst of the week: Yahoo! news page sidebars

I'm supposed to laud them for finally getting their shit together to partner with the retardedly named Bing! and Microsoft, but it's the nonsense that's one their news page that I see that irk the fuck out of me.

I love Yahoo! news site, but many times a day there's a new, inane sidebar "headline" from Yahoo! owned OMG!, which you already know I hate.

Take this double dose of Jessica Simpson's double Ds...not only will they bombard you with non-news, but they negate it immediately after.

Her family is worried? Which ones? The better-looking, more lively career-competitive sister? Her issue is keeping her fag husband from stealing her eyeliner and dealing with a kid who'll end up hating her for his dumbass name. Her mother? Does Jessica Simpson even have a mother? You wouldn't know since she's the only family member not trying to claw their way of of the shadows into the spotlight. And then there's papa Joe, who is a scumbag of the highest degree. The shameless, flagrant, and downright un-parentlike behavior in cranking the handle on his cash register with tits is despicable.

Look at the facts - she got dumped by a football player in an IHOP parking lot. Big fucking deal. She's already been divorced. What are they concerned she's going to do? Explode? She'll be sad and then get over it. It wasn't the great love story of our time. Shit, it wasn't even the greatest love story of the Texas Republic. Clearly, the break-up is going well, since her porky buns got out to the gym, since her weight gain over the last year garnered more press than her lack of talent, and that says a lot. Maybe they were worried she was going to work out without properly stretching. Or not drink enough water to stay hydrated. Or that she forgot a workout towel. Or her iPod would drop off the eliptical machine.

Then there's Dean Sheremet. You know, Dean Sheremet! No? Well, he's Dean Sheremet, and he, uh...according to Wikipedia - wait, he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page? I can't believe somebody who doesn't even get mention on the people's digital encyclopedia along side with the Wisden Cricketers of the Year or 243 Ida deserves that level of attention with multiple headline grabs.

Turns out Sheremet was the original K-Fed. Well, he didn't pop a few seeds into his lady and then move on to the next (and the next). But he was the template for getting a dick-grip on the pop starlet money train. Back in 2001 he was just Dean Sheremet, back up dancer. But with the powerful electric slide and robust tush push, he charmed LeAnn Rimes into matrimony. Well played you one-trick pony.

So after the seven-year itch allegedly reared it's typical head, the unhappy couple split. And the best way to deal with the grief and really examine with one's feelings is to do the most useless, narcissistic activity - twatting. Now everyone can rest easy, or easier now that we have an update on Dean and this time, which is in his own words a "difficult time". And in case you missed it the first time they have to give you a little more and reveal these times are "very difficult". It was a real cliffhanger in their reporting between the two headlines, and I'm glad there was enough information overall to give we, the readers, that piece of mind we needed for Dean Sheremet.

Later, we saw a female perspective from LeAnn, who felt like a concert in front of Mormons was the best place to open up about her marital issues. As long as you already knew the whole story. Though if you did you wouldn't need updates on it. Nowadays, electronic ink is at a premium, so it can't be wasted adding any critial information that may make the story clearer. Like saying "marital split" or "split with Sheremet" so you know she was married or who to. No, they need the space to tell you about some barely 15-minuter who's brush with fame's exhaust ended in a brush with car exhaust

There have been somewhere between 840 and 7620 contestants on American Idol when you take the widest possible stance on what being a contestant is, which as far as OMG! is concerned is that there's a frame of them on television. Alexis Cohen, as if you'd recognize the name, "famously" ranted against Snidely Whiplash Simon Cowell. Yeah, who hasn't told him off after he called you out for sucking. I'm glad Cohen got run down. All those has-beens and never-weres ought to be set up like traffic pylons on the side of the road before a team of student drivers hit the streets. If it was Cowell who was somehow behind the wheel, I would not press charges. It would be the first redemptive thing he's done.

The most amazingly, non-important rambling is the comment made by the Skeletor, the Chihuahua Faced Man, who crawled out from under the butt of the original Assy Pig Tank to buy a sliver of the Miami Dolphins. But while that may be the launching point, it's the lack of substance that really shines through. It's hard to know where to swing the fist of blame here. With one hand, there's a wallop coming for Skeletor who's bravado and parental bragging is bold enough to say that his goddamn one-year-old actually has a shot as a pro football player. The other flying fist is aimed at OMG! for daring to repeat such an idiotic statement.

Unless the kid is running 5-second 40's or weighs 220, shut the fuck up. The kid still craps his pants and you're going to tell me he's already cut out for pro play? The only shot he has of playing ball is is his father owned the team outright, and even then I doubt it. I will take any bet, of any size, that the kid never plays pro. I'll even say he doesn't play college ball. It's my new long, long term investment strategy.

And let's not even get started on their "advertorial" nonsense:

A strong middle finger, directly at you Yahoo!

M4i1 H4ck!

You can thank Joe McKay for this interesting hack of the ads that crowd your Gmail...y'know, the ones that generate from the programs that scan your messages for keywords to determine what ads to post...

Are you a Gmail user, or do you have friends who are? Do you resent the "Sponsored Link" advertisements that come up next to the incoming mail? Now you and your friends can do something about it!

The solution is simple, when sending an email to a gmail user include a sentence or two that mentions catastrophic events or tragedies. Google does not use humans to read your email, only computers. These computers search for keywords that trigger the advertisements, however, if they hapen to find a catastrophic event or tragedy Google errs on the side of good taste and removes the ads altogether. You may want to make mention of what you are doing so the recipient is not alarmed by your sudden Tourette's-like outburst. You can link to this site by way of explanation if need be.

Before:
After:
Of course, Google still slips in some non-generative ads too, just for good measure.

Turns out, these are not ads either but "Web Clips" which you can turn off in preferences so the dream of ad free gmail lives!

If the message runs long google turns the ads back on, however, if you add another "sensitive" word they go off again. After extensive testing I've discovered you need 1 catastrophic event or tragedy for every 167 words in the rest of the email. I usually toss in a couple extra for good measure. I've been told by an early adopter that the very elegant and self explanitory "These words are designed to kill advertisements" works wonderfully.

Very cool. And also because putting something like PS, Suicide death 911 murder in your messages is both hilarious and hardcore.

Snot A Bad Idea

Weird; Science?

Organic food has no nutritional or health benefits over ordinary food, according to a major study published this week. Really? Because I could swear that less chemicals and pesticide in our food would have a health benefit.

Researchers from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine (who are now suspect - look at that name. Have you ever heard of them?) said consumers were paying higher prices for organic food because of its perceived health benefits, creating a global organic market worth an estimated $48 billion as recently as 2007. A systematic review of 162 scientific papers published over the last 50 years, however, found there was no significant difference. "A small number of differences in nutrient content were found to exist between organically and conventionally produced foodstuffs, but these are unlikely to be of any public health relevance." Hey, I just said that!

"Our review indicates that there is currently no evidence to support the selection of organically over conventionally produced foods on the basis of nutritional superiority." The research was commissioned by the British government's Food Standards Agency, and as a result they note, sales of organic food have fallen in some markets. Of course, that does not seem to take into account the global recession has led consumers to cut back on purchases.

The Soil Association (another group we've never known about until now) said in April that growth in sales of organic products in Britain slowed to just 1.7 percent in 2008, well below the average annual growth rate of 26 percent over the last decade, following a plunge in demand at the end of the year. Which suggests nothing about the healthy perception of organic food versus actual benefits, especially in context of this research. Reuters, is there an actual story or legit, relevant information here?

Rebrained

A detailed, functional artificial human brain can be built within the next 10 years according to Henry Markram, director of the Blue Brain Project. Finally, the red state populations have hope.

He told the TED Global conference in Oxford that a synthetic human brain would be of particular use finding treatments for mental illnesses, and they have already simulated elements of a rat brain. Around two billion people are thought to suffer some kind of brain impairment, he said. I believe the number is higher. It is not impossible to build a human brain and we can do it in 10 years,” he said.

The Blue Brain project was launched in 2005 and aims to reverse engineer the mammalian brain from laboratory data.In particular, his team has focused on the neocortical column – repetitive units of the mammalian brain known as the neocortex. Over the last 15 years, Professor Markram and his team have picked apart the structure of the neocortical column. The project now has a software model of “tens of thousands” of neurons – each one of which is different – which has allowed them to digitally construct an artificial neocortical column. Although each neuron is unique, the team has found the patterns of circuitry in different brains have common patterns. Now wait 10 years...

Who You Gonna Call?

In Stable Condition, Or My Little Pony

Rodell Vereen has sex with horses. But wait, there's more...

He was charged with having sex with a horse after the animal's owner caught the act on videotape, then staked out the stable and caught him at shotgun point. Pathetically, this wasn't the first time Vereen has been charged with buggery. He pleaded guilty last year to having sex with the same horse after owner Barbara Kenley found him in the same stable and was sentenced to probation and placed on the state's sex offender list.

Kenley said she noticed several weeks ago her 21-year-old horse Sugar was acting strange and getting infections again. She noticed things in the barn had been moved around — dirt piled up and bales of hay stacked near the horse's stall. "Police kept telling me it couldn't be the same guy...I couldn't believe that there were two guys going around doing this to the same horse." What, you think nobody else finds sugar sweet?

She spent several nights at the stables about four miles from her home, but didn't find anything. So she installed surveillance cameras, and when she reviewed the footage from mid-July, she couldn't believe she was seeing the same man doing the same thing to her horse. Kenley didn't call police because she was certain the man would come back to the stable, and she wanted to make sure he was arrested. So she staked out the barn and caught Vereen inside, chasing him to his truck and holding him with her shotgun until police came. Apparently, Vereen didn't.

Vereen (50) was first charged with trespassing, but police added a buggery charge after watching the surveillance tape. He faces up to five years if convicted. Vereen was already on probation after pleading guilty to buggery last year and was sentenced to three years of probation, ordered to stay away from the Lazy B Stables and declared a sex offender. He remains in jail, awaiting a hearing Monday to determine if he violated his probation. Officials said they did not know if he has an attorney, because the 1-800-LAWYERS ads on the backs of buses don't really say much about screwing a horse.

Vereen has had mental problems for several years (clearly), but seemed to get better after getting court-ordered treatment last year, said his brother, the Rev. James Vereen, who lives just down the street from his brother and the stables. Wow, guess who mom and dad like more... "He's done all right when he was on the medicine. I don't know if he is still taking it," said brother James Vereen. C'mon man, you have to stick with your anti-horsefuck pills if you want them to work!

Meta News

Shakespeare famously wrote a play-within-a-play in A Midsummer Night's Dream to whip up the element of chaos and romance, but what's the point of a news story that is reporting on something that's not news?

"Is Megan Fox wearing out her welcome?" A dozen male-centric websites are reportedly imposing a ban on the starlet...for a full day. The sites, including Asylum.com, Ask Men, Just a Guy Thing, TheBachelorGuy.com and Double Viking have deemed August 4 as "a Megan Fox media blackout day." Other than I, who art the internet, have any of you heard of more than one of these sites? Didn't think so...

"You can have too much of a good thing," AskMen.com's uberdouche Editor-in-Chief James Bassil said, "We're joining in the media blackout and giving our readers a one-day reprieve from the woman we've been drowning in all summer." Good. That'll leave more room for exciting articles like "Men's Sandals Dos & Don'ts" and photo galleries of "Party For 3.1 Phillip Lim's LA Store".

Eric Rogell of TheBachelorGuy.com wants to shine the spotlight on a different young starlet, at least for a brief moment - but still admitted Megan has done wonders for his company. "Listen, we love Megan. She's responsible for driving more eyeballs to our sites -- just by getting photographed walking down the street in a white T-shirt -- than any other celeb alive," he told the paper. "It's time to give another young actress a shot at the attention. We're taking a one-day break from covering Megan's latest nail polish color and instead promoting another 'Next Big Thing.'" Which is sad, because they really do cover what nail polish color she has. And I wouldn't worry so much about them finding room for other women - today alone these were their first six links:

California cutie Katelynn Ansari

Meet Maria Grazia Cucinotta

Miryan Martin wears a bikini

Eliza Dushku steams up FHM

ESPN pit road hottie Shannon Spake

Sara Stone eats a sandwich. Topless.

So how did she do it? In addition to press around the world for "Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen," the "actress" has graced the covers of many major magazines over the last few months, including Entertainment Weekly, Esquire, Empire, Maxim, Elle and GQ UK. And all of those websites, too - by their own choosing. Other than being the better set of boobs in the film (see my live-blog on the film regarding Turturro and that other guy), she's yet to start the PR cycle for her next film, so the only reason she's in everyone's face is that these dickbags have put her there. So the one day you decide your website is overloaded with Megan Fox, think for a second and figure out who put her there. And when that lightbulb goes off, you should also realize your shoulder hurts from unnecessarily patting yourself on the back for it.

This Must Be The Psycho Place

He Did Do That On Television

Actor and broadcaster Les Lye passed away last week at the age of 84. Who?

The heart and soul of You Can't Do That On Television!

Born in Toronto, Lye came to Ottawa after graduating from Lorne Greene's Academy of Radio Arts in 1948. Who knew there was one? He joined CFRA Radio, where he served listeners for more than a decade. It was at CFRA, that he worked with Rich Little and they collaborated on a comedy album, 'My Fellow Canadians' - a spoof of the Diefenbaker years. Yep, that must have been a real side-splitter.

In 1961, he joined CJOH-TV as a freelance writer and performer. It was here, that he forged a long-lasting partnership with Bill Luxton. Together, they created the popular 'Willy & Floyd,' which ran for more than 20 years. Such personalities as Alanis Morissette, Klea Scott, Bruno Gerussi and Margaret Trudeau would drop by for surprise guest appearances.

But his legendary stint came when producers of You Can't Do That On Television were looking for a versatile actor to play the many adult "foils" for the kids. Lye answered the call and instantly became a household name around the world.

Extremely Poor Vision

An Illinois man was accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses from suburban Milwaukee stores because he enjoys being around eyewear. And yet, he could have just gotten a job in a eyeglass shop.

Jerry Lowery (38) was charged with three counts of armed robbery and one count of fleeing an officer. The charges carry a maximum penalty of more than 120 years in prison and a $310,000 fine. And yet, he could have just gotten a job in a eyeglass shop.

Prosecutors said Lowery walked into three shops between April and July and said he had a gun. They say he took more than 500 pairs of high-end glasses including Prada and Gucci brands, but didn't take cash. And yet, he could have just gotten a job in a eyeglass shop.

The criminal complaint quotes Lowery as saying he "really likes to be around glasses." He told investigators he tries them on in front of a mirror and then discards them. And yet, he could have just gotten a job in a eyeglass shop.

The Legacy

Next Time Just Make A Sandwich

A woman charged with murdering her 3 1/2-week-old son used a knife and two swords to dismember the child and ate parts of his body, including his brain, before stabbing herself in the torso and slicing her own throat, police said regarding the feast incident which occurred early yesterday morning.

Otty Sanchez (33), is charged with capital murder in the death of her infant son, Scott Wesley Buchholtz-Sanchez. She was recovering from her wounds at a hospital, and was being held on $1 million bail. Otty Sanchez's sister and her sister's two young children were also in the house, but none were harmed. Or apparently hungry.

Otty Sanchez's aunt, Gloria Sanchez, said her niece had been "in and out" of a psychiatric ward, and that the hospital called several months ago looking to check up on her. She did not elaborate on the nature of her niece's health problems, and certainly said nothing about why she had a couple of swords. "Otty didn't mean to do that. She was not in her right mind." No shit. She didn't even make any side dishes.

San Antonio Police Chief William McManus said the attack occurred a week after the child's father moved out. Hmmm, smells like motive, unless...police said Sanchez told them the devil told her to kill her son and that she was hearing voices. Oh, you old standby excuse! McManus, who appeared uncomfortable as he addressed reporters, said Sanchez apparently ate the child's brain and some other body parts. She also decapitated the infant, tore off his face and chewed off three of his toes before stabbing herself. Sorry, but that doesn't sound like the devil I know...

"It's too heinous for me to describe it any further," McManus said, and then horked a large coffee and couple of doughnuts. He described the crime scene as so grisly that police officers barely spoke to each other while looking through the house. Officers called to Sanchez's house at about 5 a.m. found her sitting on the couch screaming "I killed my baby! I killed my baby!" They found the boy's body in a bedroom. "It was a spontaneous utterance," McManus said, but don't think that will make a difference in the state of Texas. They'll give you the death penalty for admitting you jaywalked. Police said Sanchez did not have an attorney, and they declined to identify family members who might speak on her behalf, as if there are any at all.

Neighbor Luis Yanez (23) said his kids went to school with one of the small children who lived at the house. He said he often saw a woman playing outside with the children but didn't know whether it was Otty. "Why would you do that to your baby?" said Yanez, a tire technician. "It brings chills to you. They can't defend themselves." Because eating children is okay if they're bigger and can defend themselves.

Investigators are looking into Sanchez's mental health history to see if there was anything "significant," like being raped by the devil or maybe attending the same school as the devil as a child, and whether postpartum difficulties could have played a role in the attack. The killing also calls to mind the drowning of five children by their mother in the bathtub of their Houston-area home in 2001. Attorneys for the woman, Andrea Yates, said she suffered from severe postpartum psychosis and, in a delusional state, believed Satan was inside her and was trying to save them from hell. A jury found Yates not guilty by reason of insanity and sheer balls in 2006.

Season 2 Chapter 9

What are the odds that there's another new chapter up at His Words - Not Mine?

Are you the gambling type? A thrill seeker? I'm going to suggest you side with the house on this, because they say there's a Monday morning deadline every week. So...gonna check it out?

Yep, It's Dangerous

Ferrari driver Felipe Massa remains in "life-threatening" but stable condition following surgery on multiple skull fractures.

The accident happened during Hungarian Grand Prix qualifying when a loose part from another car hit Massa in the helmet, causing him to veer into a tire-lined barrier at about 120 mph. The front of his car was shredded, with both tires gone and the front nose open. The 28-year-old Brazilian driver sustained a concussion but was conscious when airlifted to AEK military hospital, his team said.

"At the time he was admitted to hospital his condition was stable and he was breathing and blood circulation was normal. During the course of his examination they established that he suffered a serious, life-threatening injuries, including loss of consciousness and a fracture of the forehead on the left side and a fracture on the base of the skull." Massa underwent surgery about an hour after arriving at the hospital.

A spring that had fallen off Brawn GP driver and fellow Brazilian Rubens Barrichello's car flew up and struck Massa in the helmet. An apparently dazed Massa continued over a curb and across the track. He appeared to regain consciousness just before the crash at turn No. 4 because his front brakes seemed to lock ahead of the impact. The tire barrier he hit was on the outer edge or the gravel area along the circuit shoulder. The impact of the rear suspension part — a standard component that Brawn team principal Ross Brawn believed was made of steel — damaged the left side of Massa's helmet, ripping out the visor and leaving a long dent on its side. Blood was seen above Massa's left brow.

The crash comes less than a week after Henry Surtees, the son of former F1 champion John Surtees, died in an F2 race. Surtees was struck in the head by a tire from another car, causing him to lose consciousness and drive into a barrier. The accident was also reminiscent of Heikki Kovalainen's high-speed crash at last year's Spanish GP, when the McLaren driver sped into a wall. Kovalainen spent the night in a hospital with a concussion. No F1 driver has died on the track since three-time champion Ayrton Senna's crash at Imola 15 years ago.

Peter Bazso, the AEK hospital medical director, told reporters that Massa would be kept sedated until Monday, but will be woken up periodically during that time. Doctors were able to "remove the broken bones and stabilize the area," with procedures required to treat "an open skull fracture and a contusion". He did not speculate how long it would take Massa to recover, or whether there would be any long-term effects of the injury.

Governing body FIA was expected to launch an investigation into Massa's crash after several drivers and team principals called for safety measures to be re-examined.

The Heat Of The Week And Weekend

I have to head into work this weekend, which if I pretend is a sauna, almost makes it feel like a vacation...that I didn't want to take.

Best of the week: WWTDD had this to say about the hysterically unfunny mess that is Douchefest Entourage:

I could put my keyboard on the ground and then step on it for 22 pages, and when I was done not only would my “script” have a better plot than the best “Entourage” ever, it would, by default, have much funnier jokes as well. Thankfully more and more people are finally waking up to this indisputable fact, and top Hollywood funnyman Seth Rogen would agree. Movieline says...

In one of its typically late-to-the-game, random cultural broadsides, the writers of Entourage went after Seth Rogen in last night’s episode, calling his “ugliness…oddly fascinating” in a debate over whether the actor could land a Katherine Heigl-type in real life. Behold, (Rogens) amazing response when asked about the incident for E!’s Daily 10; “Yeah, those guys are assholes. I actually ran into Matt…Kevin Dillon in a Starbucks. And he’s like ‘you know, I’ve got to kind of apologize because apparently the guy who created our show doesn’t like you so much.’ And I said ‘well I have reason to believe because I think [showrunner] Doug Ellin is a moron from all I can understand so it makes sense he doesn’t like me.’ Luckily I never have and never plan on watching Entourage.”

I don’t mean to nitpick, but Entourage is about 4 thoroughly unlikable and goofy looking poser fags who get tons of hot ass, so it might not be the best idea in the world to point out how unrealistic that is. But when you have a joke so timely, only two years after the movie came out, that’s a chance you have to take. Rogen better cover his ears in 2011.

Entourage Cliche Character 1: “He was in that movie Funny People.”
Entourage Cliche Character 2: “Yeah, right, more like NOT Funny People!”
Entourage Cliche Character 1: “I heard that bro! Let’s go shoe shopping!”

(You can have that Entourage. That one is for you.)

Worst of the week: Three people have been accused of letting rats bite a 6-week-old girl and chew off her toes at their cluttered Ohio mobile home. Ohio, you're getting dangerously close to challenging Florida for the tarnished crown of shame.

Pike County prosecutor Rob Junk (kudos on your awesome name) says the baby's toes on one foot were gone when sheriff's deputies went to the home over the weekend after receiving an anonymous tip. The baby is in fair condition at a Columbus hospital. A married couple and the 18-year-old boyfriend of the baby's mother are charged with felony child endangering and will remain jailed pending a plea hearing in two weeks. They all lived in the mobile home west of Piketon, a village noted for its old uranium enrichment plant. Nice. Even better? The baby's mother is a juvenile, and still may be charged.

Runner up: The race card got played a whole bunch over the week, and as the story unfolded it was an issue of being black while American which turned into a case of reverse racism and overreacting.

Was there unnecessary suspicion over Henry Gates Jr. because he was black? Perhaps. But was he overly inflamitory and stiring up the racial tension? Absolutely. Find me a black man over the age of 45 who doesn't get fired up over any contact with a white authority figure, and you've got yourself a black Republican - which is essentially a white man. The gasoline poured on the blaze by the president's opinion helped very little, since it only hung the racism sign over the Commander-in-chief. His comments, while at their base ring true about the black experience and racial tension, ultimately were made without much insight into the circumstances.

With black policemen, school officials, and government heads all backing the white policeman's conduct, all that's left is the embarassing gaffe by the president to respond before researching the situation. While Gates can prattle away in the same Sharpton / Jackson vein, which can be discounted as soon as it's said, it's the finger of blame which falls with more force now that the scope of the stoy had widened. Though the misstep should quiet down in another few days, it is no less embarassing to invoke racism and bias when you've got an expert on race profiling being charged.

Puppy Lover

Police found about 150 dead dogs packed in freezers in the basement of a Michigan house littered with feces and trash where more than 100 live dogs, mostly Chihuahuas, were rescued this week. A 43% live dog rate is not such a good record.

Officials said the 56-year-old man in the suburban Detroit home with the animals may have been living with an increasing number of dogs for up to three or four years. "The house was in complete disarray, very cluttered and, with 100-plus dogs running around in there, very filthy." A criminal investigation was under way at the two-story brick home, and the case could be forwarded to prosecutors for possible animal-cruelty charges. I wonder how they're going to find a way to build that case...

In total, 112 live dogs had been removed from the home and five more may be hiding inside. Authorities declined to release details about the breed of the dead dogs. why do you want to know anyway? They're dead. The man living in the house was taken to a local hospital for observation. He had no health insurance and a mental impairment that stemmed from rubella as a child, and had lived for years alone in the home after his parents retired to Florida, said a lawyer who was acting as a family spokesman. More like got fed up and abandoned him. "I think this is a very human story of a guy who had some very severe mental issues," the lawyer said.

Forty-two ailing and feces-covered dogs were rescued. Crews returned yesterday and found more than 60 dogs, plus 10 more were rescued today. They may have been small dogs, but damn, how do you not see those other 70 dogs the first time you get in there? Neighbors in the past had complained of an odor at the Dearborn home, which had a neatly cut lawn and manicured bushes. But this week was the first time officials got inside, and crews needed masks to breathe. The smell, noticeable from the street, may have been contained previously because windows were closed and covered. Trash was piled from floor to ceiling in places, and feces and urine was throughout the home. What a terrific idea in home decor...

THX Lemur

FTD Doesn't Offer The "Sorry We Decapitated Your Ancestor" Bouquet Anymore

The descendants of an African chief who was hanged and decapitated by a Dutch general 171 years ago reluctantly accepted the return of his severed head, still angry even as the Dutch tried to right a historic wrong. Jeez, do you want the damn thing or not?

The head of King Badu Bonsu II was discovered last year in a jar of formaldehyde gathering dust in the anatomical collection of the Leiden University Medical Center. The Dutch government agreed to Ghanaian demands that the relic be returned. I mean, clearly they didn't think too much of it, so what's one less head in a jar?

Members of the king's Ahanta tribe, dressed in dark robes and wearing red sashes, took part in the hand-over ceremony (they have ceremonies for that? how often does it happen?), honoring his spirit by toasting with Dutch gin and then sprinkling the drink over the floor at the Dutch Foreign Ministry. But descendants of the chief said they were not consoled. "I am hurt, angry. My grandfather has been killed," said Joseph Jones Amoah, the great, great grandson of the chief. You should be more upset you're not clear on your lineage - he's your great, great-oh, never mind.

The chief's head was stored elsewhere at the ministry (broom closet) and was not displayed during the ceremony. It is expected to be flown with the tribe members back to Ghana tomorrow. Tribal elders said after the hand-over that they were also angry because they had been sent by their current chief only to identify the head, not retrieve it. Taking it back without first reporting to the chief would be a breach of protocol, they said. C'mon, can the Dutch really know or care about all your little tribal nuances? It's 2009, let's at least pretend to be with the times.

The head was taken by Maj. Gen. Jan Verveer in 1838 in retaliation for Bonsu's killing of two Dutch emissaries, whose heads were displayed as trophies on Bonsu's throne. Sounds fair to me. In fact, where are those two heads? Huh? Not satisfied with recovering the head, the elders demanded the Dutch government provide aid to their tribe to appease the slain chief. One Ghanaian said he wanted the Dutch to build schools and hospitals for his people. don't press your luck, buddy.

Foreign Minister Maxime Verhagen used the ceremony to apologize for Dutch involvement in the slave trade. Ghana, then known as Gold Coast, was a base for Dutch slave traders. "We are also here because of our mutual desire to lay to rest episodes in ... history that were unfortunate and shameful. Our common past also includes the infamous slave trade, which our traders engaged in and sustained and which inflicted so much harm on so many people in so many parts of the world."

Okay? You got your head and as good an apology as you're gonna get. Can you let it go now? "Without burial of the head, the deceased will be hunted in the afterlife. He's incomplete," said a Ghanaian diplomat in the Netherlands after the head had been discovereddiscovery. "It's also a stigma on his clan, on his kinsmen, and him being a (high-ranking) chief — this is even more serious." Alright, we get it - you have a very rudimentary belief system.

It was unclear what would become of it once it reaches Ghana.

Losers Unite!

Today kicks off the annual gathering of the great horde of the unwashed, aka the San Diego Comic-Con!

Besides legions of nasty geeks, costumed lunatics, ware hockers, fanboy nerds, and Hollywood types shilling previews, you're bound to find a couple of folks who even stand out as creepier. This is about aguy from Japan, but as manga comics are also going to be prominent, count on a few of these type there...

Nisan didn't mean to fall in love with Nemutan. Their first encounter - at a comic-book convention that Nisan's gaming friends dragged him to in Tokyo - was serendipitous. Nisan was wandering aimlessly around the crowded exhibition hall when he suddenly found himself staring into Nemutan's bright blue eyes. In the beginning, they were just friends. Then, when Nisan got his driver's license a few months later, he invited Nemutan for a ride around town in his beat-up Toyota. They went to a beach, not far from the home he shares with his parents in a suburb of Tokyo. It was the first of many road trips they would take together. As they got to know each other, they traveled hundreds of miles west -- to Kyoto, Osaka and Nara, sleeping in his car or crashing on friends' couches to save money. They took touristy pictures under cherry trees, frolicked like children on merry-go-rounds and slurped noodles on street corners. Now, after three years together, they are virtually inseparable. "I've experienced so many amazing things because of her," Nisan told me, rubbing Nemutan's leg warmly. "She has really changed my life."

Nemutan doesn't really have a leg. She's a stuffed pillowcase - a 2-D depiction of a character, Nemu, from an X-rated version of a PC video game called Da Capo, printed on synthetic fabric. In the game, which is less a game than an interactive visual novel about a schoolyard romance, Nemu is the loudmouthed little sister of the main character, whom she calls nisan, or "big brother," a nickname Nisan adopted as his own when he met Nemu. When I joined the couple for lunch at their favorite all-you-can-eat salad bar in the Tokyo suburb of Hachioji, he insisted on being called only by this new nickname, addressing his body-pillow girlfriend using the suffix "tan" to show how much he adored her. Nemutan is 10, maybe 12 years old and wears a little blue bikini and gold ribbons in her hair. Nisan knows she's not real, but that hasn't stopped him from loving her just the same. "Of course she's my girlfriend," he said, widening his eyes as if shocked by the question. "I have real feelings for her."

So in summary, there are full grown men who have pedophilic relationships with pillowcases. That is fucked.

What happened to the good old days of Comic-Con, where you could go with your best pal and spend the day trying to sell your comic book idea, and then walk to Tiajuana so you could pick up cheap pharmacuticals?

Tom's Benelli

Yeah, he got to know his Benelli real well.

Perro Muerte

Warming Glow far and away has the best coverage of this story, so don't even bother looking elsewhere for it:

Celebrity Deathocalypse ‘09 has claimed another victim. Gidget, the beloved Taco Bell chihuahua who defined the late ’90s as much the Backstreet Boys or the Macarena, has passed away at the age of 15. She was so young!!! Why did you have to take her from us, O God? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY????

She charmed millions without ever saying a word — and managed to make fast-food tacos adorable. Gidget, the Chihuahua best known for her Taco Bell ad campaign (and her famous overdubbed tagline, “Yo quiero Taco Bell”), died from a stroke last night. “She made so many people happy,” says Gidget’s trainer, Sue Chipperton. At a Hollywood animals photo shoot in February, the pup was a consummate pro and delighted the crew with her playful nature.

Yo quiero... one more day with her in our lives. **sob** But Gidget will live on! Both in our memories, and in one final selfless gesture to Taco Bell when her remains get ground up and added to a “beef” Burrito Supreme.

She Loves Love

I make no secret of my disdain for "reality" television, but I am particularly disgusted by Patti Stanger, aka The Millionaire Matchmaker. Finally, love's arrow has pierced her heart...unfortunately, not killing her.

The celebloids are reporting that she is engaged to Andy Friedman. The poor bastard. The tranny-looking spinster added, "I feel like it should have happened years ago, so I'm kind of shocked." Yeah, so are we, dude. Friedman, a 51-year-old real estate executive whom she met through a matchmaker five and a half years ago, popped the question in Maui back in May. Am I the only person who thinks a 48 year old "woman" who has never been married is the wrong source for relationship advice? And that she herself went to a matchmaker to meet? Was her own advise that bad she couldn't follow it? Yes.

"I have a rule," she barked. "If you go out a year and he doesn't propose, it goes up a carat a year." Yes, you fine female wine, you are more valuable as you age and deserve a bigger rock. Maybe that works if you're nearing menopause (though do trannies have a change of life, other than the surgery?), but getting hitched after only a year of dating for anyone other than mid-life adults is terrible advise. Actually even for adults it's a little soon. And if you're together five years and anywhere near that age, guess what ladies - you're not ever gonna hear those words. Either spend that money on plastic surgery or renew that subscription to Cat Fancy.

In order to add pointlessness to the story, she tells a black swan named Raymond delivered the 4 carat ring. Who the fuck takes the time to find out what the damn swan's name is? "Hey, let's get a black swan for our event...and make sure it's Raymond!" And I'm not in the market for rocks, but 4 carats can't be cheap. Would you really tie that much money to a bird? Maybe he was hoping it would fly away and he'd be in the clear. This guy is over 50 and has some money, and he wants old tranny vaj?

The couple, who also don't live together, are planning for 2010 nuptials. We'll see about that. By the way, anybody know why Stanger and Chyna have never been seen in the same place at the same time?

Bustin' Mutton

Kubrick's Other Space Film

In celebrating the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, naturally, the kooks would be coming out of the woodwork. My favorite? Courtesy of Jay Weidner, who not only implicates massive fraud, but also puts it in the directorial hands of the master, Stanley Kubrick.

It has now been forty years since the fabled moon landings by NASA and the Apollo gang. When it comes to the subject of the moon landings, people tend to fall into two belief groups. The first group, by far the bigger of the two groups, accepts the fact that NASA successfully landed on the moon six times and that 12 human beings have actually walked on the surface of the moon. The second group, though far smaller, is more vocal about their beliefs. This group says that we never went to the moon and that the entire thing was faked.

This essay presents a third position on this issue. This third point of view falls somewhere between these two assertions. This third position postulates that humans did go to the moon but what we saw on TV and in photographs was completely faked. Furthermore this third position reveals that the great filmmaker Stanley Kubrick is the genius who directed the hoaxed landings.

C'mon, aren't you dying to get on this ride? Here's some hard to believe, unsubstantiated essay portions:

After the assassination of Kennedy in 1963, NASA began a new plan that would solve the problem that JFK initiated. This new plan would allow NASA, and the shadow government, to keep the saucer technology secret and to still make it look like standard rocketry had taken man to the moon and back. Someone high up in the shadow government decided to fake the entire moon landings in order to conceal the United States' extremely new and advanced Nazi technology both from us, the citizens and our enemies.

No one knows how the powers-that-be convinced Kubrick to direct the Apollo landings. Maybe they had compromised Kubrick in some way. The fact that his brother, Raul Kubrick, was the head of the American Communist Party may have been one of the avenues pursued by the government to get Stanley to cooperate. Kubrick also had a reputation for being a notoriously nasty negotiator.

In the end, it looks like Stanley Kubrick faked the moon landings in return for two things. The first was a virtually unlimited budget to make his ultimate science fiction film: 2001: A Space Odyssey, and the second was that he would be able to make any film he wanted, with no oversight from anyone, for the rest of his life.

Eyes Wide Shut was released on July 16th 1999. Stanley Kubrick insisted in his contract that this be the date of the release. July 16th 1999 is exactly 30 years to the day that Apollo 11 was launched.

Clearly, that proves nothing. The fragile house of conspiracy hinges on allegedly shared technology:

No one knows how many things he tried but eventually Kubrick settled on doing the entire thing with a cinematic technique called Front Screen Projection. It is in the use of this cinematic technique that the fingerprints of Kubrick can be seen all over the NASA Apollo photographic and video material.

So what is Front Screen Projection? Kubrick did not invent the process but there is no doubt that he perfected it. Front Screen Projection is a cinematic device that allows scenes to be projected behind the actors so that it appears, in the camera, as if the actors are moving around on the set provided by the Front Screen Projection.

The process came into fruition when the 3M company invented a material called Scotchlite. This was a screen material that was made up of hundreds of thousands of tiny glass beads each about .4mm wide. These beads were highly reflective. In the Front Screen Projection process the Scotchlite screen would be placed at the back of the soundstage. The plane of the camera lens and the Scotchlite screen had to be exactly 90 degrees apart. A projector would project the scene onto the Scotchlite screen through a mirror and the light would go through a beam splitter, which would pass the light into the camera. An actor would stand in front of the Scotchlite screen and he would appear to be 'inside' the projection.

Really, it's worth a read, and has all the hallmarks of a true crackpot masterpiece.

Unintelligent Design

Or evolution's greatest misses (via WIRED)...

• Sea mammal blowhole Any animal that spends appreciable time in the ocean should be able to extract oxygen from water via gills. Enlarging the lungs and moving a nostril to the back of the head is a poor work-around.

• Hyena clitoris When engorged, this "pseudopenis," which doubles as the birth canal, becomes so hard it can crush babies to death during exit.

• Kangaroo teat In order to nurse, the just-born joey, a frail and squishy jellybean, must clamber up Mom's torso and into her pouch for a nipple.

• Giraffe birth canal Mama giraffes stand up while giving birth, so baby's entry into the world is a 5-foot drop. Wheeee! Crack.

• Goliath bird-eating spider exoskeleton This giant spider can climb trees to hunt very mobile prey. Yet it has a shell so fragile it practically explodes when it falls? Well, at least it can produce silk to make a sail. Oh, wait — it can't!

• Shark-fetus teeth A few shark species have live births (instead of laying eggs). The Jaws juniors grow teeth in the womb. The first sibling or two to mature sometimes eat their siblings in utero. Mmm ... siblings.

• Human stomach People can digest a lot — except for cellulose, the primary component of plant matter. Why don't we have commensal bacteria in our guts to do it? They're busy helping termites.

• Slug genitalia Some hermaphroditic species breed by wrapping their sex organs around each other. If one of said members gets stuck, the slug simply chews it off. What. The. Hell?

• Quadrupeds Let's say you're a four-footed animal. Now let's say you get a wound on your back, or an itch, or a bug wandering up there. Tough luck, kid. You probably can't do much about it. Hope there's a low branch around.

• Narwhal tusk The unicorn-like protuberance on a male narwhal's head is actually a tooth that erupts through the front of the jaw and keeps on growing, up to 9 feet. Narwhal: "Doc, I have a toothache." Dentist: "Indeed."

All of those make great band names.

Scientific Lesson Of The Day: Inertia

Subject? Fresh pig slop.

Recess, Then Abduction

The 370 children at Southway Junior School, in West Sussex (UK), saw a ’spaceship’ crash near their school, and then aliens grabbed a member of staff "as part of the performance". I wish my school assemblies were like that!

The ‘alien invasion’ show, which was supported by Sussex Police (?), took place without parents being informed, leaving some furious that they had to comfort their terrified children. The event was designed to “develop youngsters writing skills” and fire their imagination – but some children were left traumatised by the show, forging the seeds of hatred against the police.

The school admitted that a number of parents complained after their children returned home in a “state of shock”. Sorry, it was either going to be aliens or manditory showers in gym class. Youngsters had to be reassured that the abducted member of staff was safe and well after he was carted off by the aliens, and that the probe were both safe and fun. Police contributed to the invasion by providing sirens and flashing blue lights to signify the landing of the craft just before morning classes two weeks ago.

Diana Goss, the headteacher, informed pupils that an alien craft had crashed near the school and pupils were encouraged to “follow a trail of debris” before stumbling across the UFO. A member of staff was then abducted by aliens before the children were sent back to class. One parent said his daughter had come home in tears. “God only knows what the school was playing at. I mean to shock children into thinking that the aliens have landed and have abducted a teacher is just a little too much for seven-year-olds. My daughter was deeply upset by it all and came home looking shell shocked. She wasn’t sure what had happened and really wanted to know that everything was going to be alright.”

What, you want to wait until high school to teach children about UFOs? Fine then...

Season 2 Chapter 8

This week in His Words - Not Mine, 6,185 fresh, new words guaranteed to make you stop and say, "holy plot development shit"! Then again, if you're not reading our latest serialized tale, what's goddamn problem, buddy? Huh? Huh?

Good Morning, Nosferatu!

Wake up to this:

And this:

Yeah, that is a Criss Angel shirt (to go along with the poster).

The Weekend Got Cronked

Gotta keep it short...it's my writing weekend and there's a lot to write!

Best of the week: A Colorado man used a chain saw to fight off a mountain lion that attacked him during a camping trip with his wife and two toddlers in northwestern Wyoming. Now that's a man's man!

The adult male lion, described as emaciated and showing other signs of starvation, was later killed by wildlife officials after it attacked a dog brought in to track it. Dustin Britton, a mechanic and ex-Marine, said he was alone cutting firewood about 100 feet from his campsite in the Shoshone National Forest when he saw the 100-pound lion staring at him from some bushes. The 6-foot, 170-pound Britton said he raised his 18-inch chain saw and met the lion head-on as it pounced — a collision he described as feeling like a grown man running directly into him. "It batted me three or four times with its front paws, and as quick as I hit it with that saw, it just turned away."

Only eight cases of mountain lions acting aggressively toward humans have been documented in Wyoming over the last decade. Given the animal's low body weight — male lions in Wyoming typically weigh 140 to 150 pounds — it may have attacked Britton out of desperation and hunger, thought it is unclear why the animal would be starving, since Britton's campsite, near the North Fork of the Shoshone River, was in an area heavily populated by the lion's typical prey — elk, deer and bighorn sheep.

The wounded animal retreated after Britton inflicted a six-inch gash on the lion's shoulder, leaving him with only a small puncture wound on his forearm. "You would think if you hit an animal with a chain saw it would dig right in," he said. "I might as well have hit it with a hockey stick."

After the confrontation, Britton, his wife, and two children decided to spend the night in their pop-up camper rather than risk packing up with the lion still on the loose. Because leaving and being safe isn't always worth leaving camping gear behind. The family later carried on with their vacation, camping at sites in Wyoming and Montana, looking to press their luck.

Worst of the week: Park officials say two buses have collided at Walt Disney World, leaving a dozen visitors with minor injuries. A Florida Highway Patrol report says one Disney bus rear-ended another yesterday afternoon. There were about 50 people were on both buses and the injured were taken to four nearby hospitals for treatment, where they had to wait for 20-40 minutes from that point in line. The accident comes 11 days after a 21-year-old monorail pilot died when another train backed into his train. The park's vast transit system shuttles thousands of visitors around the attraction each day, but only recently started injuring them.

And just moments ago, broadcast legend Walter Cronkite returned to the air, as an obit. Expect tributes and commentary through the weekend...

Starbuck Your Name Recognition

Starbucks Corp. said it is wiping its name from one of its Seattle-area stores and adding alcohol to the menu. Smart...change the formula that made you the giant company you are.

The Seattle-based gourmet coffee chain said it is changing the name of one of its existing stores to a name that reflects the neighborhood location, but says nothing about the difference of it's menu. The store will be called 15th Avenue Coffee and Tea. When it opens next week it will serve wine and beer in additional to coffee and tea.

The company said it will then open two more Seattle-area stores without the Starbucks name in locations that aren't currently Starbucks stores, and that if the rethought coffee shop is a success it will consider replicating it in other cities. Word of advise - unless you're putting them only on 15th Avenue, maybe you might want to think about a better brand name.

So weigh in the pundits and marketing specialists...

"It's interesting," said Morningstar analyst R.J. Hottovy, "especially since the Starbucks brand has been such an integral part of their success." Yes, the brand of their product has been key to the sales of the same named product. Give that man a raise! The genius adds he thinks the Starbucks brand still "resonates" with those who drink coffee regularly, but with the recession now in its second year, the brand may be struggling more because it is considered "premium," and therefore expensive, by consumers. When is the default considered premium? And with thousands of locations, how exclusively premium does he really think regular folks view it as? Because the alternative is a cup at 7-11. There's nothing better than an analyst trying to connect with and think like the common folk.

Starbucks has been unable in recent months to keep its sales growing as more consumers cut out small luxuries to save money. Starbucks is slated to report its fiscal third quarter financial results on Tuesday and analysts have largely predicted another same-store sales decline, particularly, in particular, that competition with lower-priced rivals like McDonald's has heated up. McDonald's has been rolling out its own line of espresso-based drinks to all of its 14,000 U.S. locations and has been heavily promoting the beverages.

Que the next genius...

Andrew Hetzel, who is also the founder of coffee consulting group (yes, they have one that specific) Cafemakers, said Starbucks may also be renaming its stores to provide a testing ground for changes and, possibly, to bring in a new brand of consumer. Gee, what tipped you off? The new menu items? Please, elaborate... "It looks to me that they are testing a specialty sub-brand to see if they can capture some other segment of the market that would otherwise be disillusioned by a large corporate chain," Hetzel said, adding that opening only one at first "gives them a live shop to test changes in menu offerings, store design and, perhaps, procedures quickly" without disrupting operating stores branded with the Starbucks name." Yep, the fertile market of anti-corporate coffee drinkers who also want to mix in alcohol. This is turning into a Bill Hicks routine...

Companies often take a location to test out new (bad) ideas, but there is a huge difference between launching a bad product (Coke II, anyone) and taking the brand recognition and selling point out of a good product just to add bad ones. Sit back, enjoy a coffee - or beer, and watch this idea fail.