And we're back, as promised, with a sequel to the original live blog (yes, posts get return treatment, too). As we all know, this new assjam of special effects, questionable plot elements, and illogical actions is just plain awful - and is still going to make a billion dollars. But let's just let the movie speak for itself in terms of how terrible it is.
00:55 - "Our worlds have met before", says Truckimus Prime, and we are treated to 'primitive' men (with modern touches like those absurdly large ear plugs) getting their assed handed to them by bad guy robots building a giant metal contraption almost 20,000 years ago. Funny, I don't recall archaeologists finding any remnants of that...ever.
02:24 - More exposition, explaining what we're watching - thehumans U.S. Army and the Autobots formed a secret strike force to hunt and kill hidden Decepticons. Next stop - Shanghai!
02:46 - G.I. Joe says pretty much the same thing as the voiceover. Redundant? No, you're just a typical Michael Bay audience member who is too stupid to catch things when they're told to you the first time. The opening strains of a Linkin Park song play...maybe that'll help the mouthbreathers pay more attention.
03:34 - GMC ad placement.
04:16 - Hey! Hard Black Man is back too! And now we begin the confusion! And explosions!
04:47 - "Requesting fire mission, now!" That's military speak for...I don't know it's a bunch of made up bullshit.
05:31 - A second Decepticon is on the run, trying not to be brutally murdered by the Autobots for hiding and minding their own business, and they all crash through a building. Look, and old man eating noodles and a strummed guzheng! This wasn't filmed in Long Beach - we are in China!
06:56 - Truckimus Prime gets parachuted in to help. Instead of just showing up with the other seven Autobots that were there.
08:01 - Transformers...robot executioners with gunshots to the head, in disguise!
08:23 - Youngblood goes to college! And mom's off her lithium. A real tour de farce of acting.
09:40 - Dogs humping. Bay really knows how to balance out the action and comedy elements.
10:05 - Hottie returns as well! And the most improbable angle to airbrush a motorcycle - laying on it with your ass sticking up. First Green Day song of the film playing too. Megan Fox ass + dull pop punk music = movie for 14 year old boys! A.K.A. half this movie's demographic.
11:56 - Youngblood finds a shard of the Allspark in his old hoodie. Besides zapping him so he sees Wingdings font, it burns a hole through his floor and ends up making everyday appliances turn into transforming robots. Of course.
12:15 - Cut to: dogs humping, outside. And now cut back to stupid looking mini-appliance robots.
14:44 - Thanks to the government, all the house damage from that robot fight will be taken care of...as long as they stay quiet about the secret robot aliens! Thanks for reminding us that it's national security *wink wink*.
15:25 - Youndblood tells his retarded carbot Mumblebee he can't come with to college, while Hottie peels off her biker leathers to change into a white dress and gathers a bouquet of flowers. For no reason.
16:22 - State Farm ad placement. In a line of dialogue no less. Fuck, that's brazen.
18:44 - The Minstrel Twins, Heckle And Jeckle, upgrade to...Chevy concept cars. Are they saying that blacks are being courted to buy fluorescent pink and green cars, or that they have no taste in vehicles?
20:03 - A Decepticon tentacle rapes a satellite, and like me also has to observe four minutes of clunky conversation as Jerk Bureaucrat questions everything and gives away top secret info for the sake of creating more scenes for robots to blow shit up. C'mon, somebody had to discuss that stuff...it's not like super alien machines would also have the technology to hack government databases or find out that info any other way.
24:45 - Another Green Day song, so you can buy the soundtrack!
26.00 - Youngblood meets his roommate, the already annoying, just-Hispanic-enough-to-woo-another-market-demo-yet-not-scary techie nerd. Ladies and gents, enter Az-Tech. And he has a conspiracy website about...wait for it...giant alien robots! You don't say!?! How are they gonna work that out?
27:57 - Mom is eating pot brownies that she bought on campus. Even if this was UC Santa Cruz, I wouldn't believe it. Let's spend a few minutes watching her ramble in a drug-induced frenzy and have everybody chase her.
30:18 - A robot-cat shot to Earth from space drops off thousands of marble sized Transformers into the high security base where they're keeping another piece of Allspark. It's a highly complicated but they make it work.
32:29 - Since when did frat parties get lighting rigs big enough to be a rap video?
32:55 - More fucking Green Day.
34:29 - Mumblebee shows up, and the Shifty Ho from the dorms tries to get a piece of Youngblood. Good thing his car has an anti-skank device built in. Also, the first amusing thing in the movie:
00:55 - "Our worlds have met before", says Truckimus Prime, and we are treated to 'primitive' men (with modern touches like those absurdly large ear plugs) getting their assed handed to them by bad guy robots building a giant metal contraption almost 20,000 years ago. Funny, I don't recall archaeologists finding any remnants of that...ever.
02:24 - More exposition, explaining what we're watching - the
02:46 - G.I. Joe says pretty much the same thing as the voiceover. Redundant? No, you're just a typical Michael Bay audience member who is too stupid to catch things when they're told to you the first time. The opening strains of a Linkin Park song play...maybe that'll help the mouthbreathers pay more attention.
03:34 - GMC ad placement.
04:16 - Hey! Hard Black Man is back too! And now we begin the confusion! And explosions!04:47 - "Requesting fire mission, now!" That's military speak for...I don't know it's a bunch of made up bullshit.
05:31 - A second Decepticon is on the run, trying not to be brutally murdered by the Autobots for hiding and minding their own business, and they all crash through a building. Look, and old man eating noodles and a strummed guzheng! This wasn't filmed in Long Beach - we are in China!
06:56 - Truckimus Prime gets parachuted in to help. Instead of just showing up with the other seven Autobots that were there.
08:01 - Transformers...robot executioners with gunshots to the head, in disguise!
08:23 - Youngblood goes to college! And mom's off her lithium. A real tour de farce of acting.
09:40 - Dogs humping. Bay really knows how to balance out the action and comedy elements.
10:05 - Hottie returns as well! And the most improbable angle to airbrush a motorcycle - laying on it with your ass sticking up. First Green Day song of the film playing too. Megan Fox ass + dull pop punk music = movie for 14 year old boys! A.K.A. half this movie's demographic.
11:56 - Youngblood finds a shard of the Allspark in his old hoodie. Besides zapping him so he sees Wingdings font, it burns a hole through his floor and ends up making everyday appliances turn into transforming robots. Of course.
12:15 - Cut to: dogs humping, outside. And now cut back to stupid looking mini-appliance robots.
14:44 - Thanks to the government, all the house damage from that robot fight will be taken care of...as long as they stay quiet about the secret robot aliens! Thanks for reminding us that it's national security *wink wink*.
15:25 - Youndblood tells his retarded carbot Mumblebee he can't come with to college, while Hottie peels off her biker leathers to change into a white dress and gathers a bouquet of flowers. For no reason.
16:22 - State Farm ad placement. In a line of dialogue no less. Fuck, that's brazen.
18:44 - The Minstrel Twins, Heckle And Jeckle, upgrade to...Chevy concept cars. Are they saying that blacks are being courted to buy fluorescent pink and green cars, or that they have no taste in vehicles?
20:03 - A Decepticon tentacle rapes a satellite, and like me also has to observe four minutes of clunky conversation as Jerk Bureaucrat questions everything and gives away top secret info for the sake of creating more scenes for robots to blow shit up. C'mon, somebody had to discuss that stuff...it's not like super alien machines would also have the technology to hack government databases or find out that info any other way.
24:45 - Another Green Day song, so you can buy the soundtrack!
26.00 - Youngblood meets his roommate, the already annoying, just-Hispanic-enough-to-woo-another-market-demo-yet-not-scary techie nerd. Ladies and gents, enter Az-Tech. And he has a conspiracy website about...wait for it...giant alien robots! You don't say!?! How are they gonna work that out?
27:57 - Mom is eating pot brownies that she bought on campus. Even if this was UC Santa Cruz, I wouldn't believe it. Let's spend a few minutes watching her ramble in a drug-induced frenzy and have everybody chase her.30:18 - A robot-cat shot to Earth from space drops off thousands of marble sized Transformers into the high security base where they're keeping another piece of Allspark. It's a highly complicated but they make it work.
32:29 - Since when did frat parties get lighting rigs big enough to be a rap video?
32:55 - More fucking Green Day.
34:29 - Mumblebee shows up, and the Shifty Ho from the dorms tries to get a piece of Youngblood. Good thing his car has an anti-skank device built in. Also, the first amusing thing in the movie:
Frat Douche #1: Yo, freshman...is that your car in our bushes?
Youngblood: "No it's a frend of mine's...he just went to get you a tighter shirt."
Frat Douche #2 "There isn't a tighter shirt. We checked."
37:44 - Youngblood disses Truckimus Prime, who needs him "more than you know". Sorry, but the boy wants to get his college on, not get faggy with a bunch of intergalactic robots.
38:18 - Volvo ad placement. And a whole bunch of construction vehicles transform and jump off a cargo ship to recover the corpse of Megatron. No, of course nobody saw them do it. And don't ask why they dropped his corpse at the bottom of the ocean istead of dismantle and study him. The government would never do that.
41:22 - Resurected Megatron flies back to Cybertron, which looks like a leftover from The Matrix, so talk to his boss The Fallen. The production design on this movie blows. At least we're treated to more exposition to advance the story about things we know. And get unexplaned nuggets from The Fallen like "only a Prime can defeat me". Why? Because he says so.
43:35 - So Dwight teaches Astronomy 101 when he's not at The Office?
46:29 - The evil R/C truck, which is basically Joe Pescibot, tries to get the Allspark sliver that Hottie was holding for Youngblood, who is now seeing Wingdings everywhere. Um, they already got one of those for Megatron...guess you didn't read your Decepti-email.
47:54 - Southwest Airlines ad placement.
50:11 - Youngblood finds out Shifty Ho has a cyber-tail that comes out her panties. And a cyber-lasso tongue. Most times, you create a slutty robot to attend college classes and stick her in the same dorm and don't really know what will become of it. Kudos to the bad guys for having such an elaborate plan, and actually getting to use it. And kudos to the script supervisor and costume department for Az-Tech mainfesting a hoodie after showing up to his room without one...or never going inside to get it.
51:55 - Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie run and hide fromShifty Robo-Ho in the campus library, which disorients the audience more. Anyone voluntarily seeing this movie has not been in a room full of books before. At least Michael Bay makes Youngblood do his impression of Bad Boys II Martin Laurence to Hottie's Will Smith. I know he does the same shit in every film (360 degree circular shots, helicopters at sunset, gratuitous slo-motion scenes of soldiers), but now he's even reusing characters?
54:47 - The car Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie were in was just:
1) picked up by a helicopter
2) flown to an abandoned warehouse where it was dropped through the roof
3) crashed front end first into the concrete below, and rolled upside down
4) cut in half with a giant spinning saw blade
Don't worry, everybody's okay.
56:20 - More stupid critter-bots, including one that plays doctor and talks like Col. Clink, rip off The Matrix with inner body probing, and lets us know the Wingdings in Youndblood's head can lead to an energon source.
57:20 - Robots fighting in a warehouse. Nothing like five-story machines effortlessly doing front and back flips while shooting at each other. And orchestral Linkin Park!
58:46 - Robots fighting in a forest. Just because it's outdoors doesn't make it any less confusing. Like how a tractor trailer truck and all the bad guys can get there, but none of the other good robots can...
1:00:26 - Michael Bay to his critics via Truckimus Prime: "I'll take you all on!" He is impervious to anyone telling him how shitty his films are.
1:01:00 - Truckimus Prime rips a Decepticons face in half. He really like killing his enemies in the face. Little does he know he'll die in a minute.
1:04:43 - Time for some French stereotypes...a mime and escargot. Thanks for letting us know how Youngblood's parent's vacation in Paris was going.
1:05:12 - Shit crashes to Earth from outer space. Aircraft carriers and cites go boom. The Fallen broadcasts from a super power source antenna on the top of a building in New York (that I'm sure is really there too) a threat to destroy the planet if they don't turn over Youngblood. And the things the media say are as insultingly dumb as they are quixotic:
• "The military has just told us they have assumed Condition Delta, which is the highest level we have been at since 9/11" - which is what?
• "President Obama is being flown to a bunker somewhere in the middle of the United States" - sure, broadcast that.
• "the worst simultaneous attacks ever around the globe" yet they only have "worldwide casualties in the neighborhood of 7000." Really unimpressive too if that include the 5,700 or so member crew (yes, that's how many people are on them - I checked) of the carrier that went "down off the east coast - all hands lost". Assholes, look up some facts and think before you write this awful nonsense...
Big plugs for CNN, too.
1:09:00 - A moment with the Minstrel Twins, complete with gold buck tooth, cap-poppin' slang racist stereotypes and Az-Tech, competing to be the character you hope dies soonest.
1:09:43 - We all laughed in the theater when the helicopter carrying Truckimus Prime's body dropped him from 30 feet up onto the army base tarmac. It's still unintentionally funny now. Or Bay really is a genius.
1:10:25 - Jerk Bureaucrat is gonna shut down the Autobot-Army special team? Who didn't see that coming? "This is our war now, and we will win it like we always have...with a coordinated military strategy." America, fuck yeah!
01:11:07 - Some English guy gets his one line for the film. Understand they went through a casting process, fitted some guy for wardrobe, and had to set up camera and lighting for this one shot for his one line. Matthew Marsden, this is your big moment! Revel in so much ado about nothing.
01:11:27 - "I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole." Hard Black Man, it's like you're reading my mind, about every character and performance in this film. Including yours.
01:13:18 - No Youngblood, don't give yourself up to The Fallen over guilt that Truckimus Prime is dead. Ask the Minstrel Twins to decypher the Wingdings, unless...they're illiterate? Wow, why did they stop short and not say how much they liked grape soda and fried chicken? At least they're going to find somebody who can read the glyphs.
01:13:50 - Yes! More Linkin Park!
01:15:04 - And the guy who'll crack the Cybertronian symbols is...John Turturro? I guess his contract explicitly states he will not appear in the first hour of this film either. From Barton Fink to this...sad.
01:16:20 - Doesn't every meat locket have a secret trap door that leads to an underground vault with truckloads of stolen government files and property? No, well then you really won't believe that even in 2009, nobody has figured out that there's a bunch of Wingdings on ancient structures around the world.
01:19:01 - Joe Pescibot knows where a bunch of old transformers are who can read Wingdings. Hooray!
01:20:49 - Az-Tech tazers himself. Because there had to be some way to fuck up the simplistic task of taking out the only two guards at the Smithsonian. Good thing there's no security cameras there, or it would be a lot harder!
01:21:25 - Air France ad placement.
01:22:14 - Youngblood uses his shard of Allspark to reanimate a stealth bomber that is a cane-using Old English Decepticon, so it can get the Wingdings translated to find the energon that - wait, why didn't they just use it to bring Truckimus Prime back and ask him?
01:23:09 - I don't remember there being a giant aircraft graveyard behind the Smithsonian. Must be the other Smithsonian not in Washington D.C.
01:24:11 - Joe Pescibot humping Hottie's leg. And there's still an hour left.
01:24:50 - Old English farts explosions. And parachutes.
01:25:49 - And can teleport. To Egypt. "Begining, middle, end. Facts, details...condensed. Plot...tell it." That's what I was thinking, and a character just demanded it. If one of them says, "This movie sucks," next, I'm going to get freaked out.
01:27:50 - Proof that you can't give some rambling exposition after 90 minute of film and hope to make any sense of it:
So there was a great battle millenia ago, that conveniently, left no traces behind for humans to find, over the retardedly named Matrix Of Leadership (huh?), which is the key to turn on a hidden machine that harvests energon was built. The machine works by blowing up the sun, and The Fallen was the black sheep of the Primes who wanted to turn it on, which goes against the Prime's golden rule. The remaining Prime family hid the Matrix OfStupidity Leadership by making a tomb...WITH THEIR OWN BODIES! Smart thinking.
Or not. The alien robots, in order to protect Earth, hid the Matrix on the planet...yep, sounds better than, say, anywhere else in galaxy! At least they pointlessly made a tomb of their own bodies rather than stay alive to protect the Matrix. that's far easier than just killing the Fallen. Besides, it's not like they need energon to survive and the Matrix was the key to power the machines. Oh wait, they do. No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
01:29:09 - So now, they're all gonna find the machine and the Matrix to possibly resurect Truckimus Prime so he can defeat The Fallen. Good plan. Now just call the military and get them to fly over Trucky's corpse.
01:36:21 - From Egypt to Jordan, and we're still looking for the secret hiding place of the Matrix. Yawn. I will also point out nothing has exploded in at least 10 minutes.
01:38:05 - Oh, how rich. G.I. Joe tricked Jerk Buereucrat to parachute out of their plane. Problem solved!
01:40:15 - Thanks to the Minstrel Twins grab-assing, they find the anti-clamactic tomb of Primes and the Matrix, which instantly turns to dust. Hmmm. Well, gather that Matrix dust so you can sprinkle it on Truckimus. He's just four clicks away with G.I. Joe and the rest of the co-op stike team. Follow the flare they shot. you too, Decepticons.
01:45:09 - Az-Tech gets tazered again for being a loud, whining bitch. I'd watch two hour of him getting stunned no problem.
01:46:38 - An EMP burst is fired on G.I. Joe and crew. Neither the Decepticon nor any of the other robots within the four kilometers are effected. Must be one of those radio-only EMPs.
01:48:09 - Satellites are knocked out too. All the robots are still fine.
01:50:06 - "This ain't good." I know Hard Black Man. We all know. Thus begins a half hour of impossible chaos and fighting between robots and people and other robots.
01:54:59 - What could be up to 17 different construction vehicles have turned into a giant sand-sifting machine, trying to suck The Minstrel Twins, Az-Tech, and John Turturro into it.
01:57:25 - Youngblood's parents also arrive for the fracas. Just because you and your evil robots know where Youngblood is doesn't mean you should abandon your plan to kidnap his parents into getting him to drawing him out...from where you know he is.
01:59:19 - Mumblebee kills the robot-cat by pulling it's spine out, tail first.
02:01:27 - The Jordanian Air Force, what little they had, get's hosed. Sorry, Omar, the only heroes in this movie are are robots and Americans!
02:02:07 - "Commence Operation:Firestorm! This is Warlord: Roll in strike package Alpha! Task Force Ripper, execute launching!"
02:03:16 - The Constructoclusterfuckbot is scaling a pyramid. Only John Turturro can keep it from turning on the machine and destroying the planet, because he just said so. Out loud to himself. What's it going to do, hotwire it without the Matrix?
02:03:29 - Improving on calling G.I. Joe on his cell phone from a desert pay phone, Turturro uses a walkie talkie to contact a naval aircraft carrier miles away. Really.
02:05:00 - Who is "clear to drop a 2000 ton" what? Even with your quick cuts and sound effects over the dialogue, I can still hear your silly, impossible bullshit.
02:06:05 - Hottie has been running through explosions, climbing over debris, and rolling around in the sand. Yet her white pants are still nice and clean.
02:07:56 - Old English shows up! And a tunneling robot from the first movie!
02:08:28 - Constructoclusterfuckbot has two giant wrecking balls as balls. Turturro sums up the whole movie "I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
02:08:57 - They use a secret, classified railgun on a naval ship to destroy the Constructoclusterfuckbot. Nice shot.
02:10:44 - Oops, they killed Youngblood. And he goes to...robot heaven? This is the last fucking straw Orci & Kurtzman, you goddamn hack writers.
02:13:43 - Resurected Youngblood uses the magically reformed Matrix to resurect Truckimus Prime. And then The Fallen takes it out of him 39 seconds later. Now Prime is immobilized and dead again.
02:15:15 - The Fallen has the power of the Force and can make everything levitate with a wave of his staff.
02:16:06 - Old English gives Truckimus his robot heart and parts to become some dumb looking hybrid. Enter Truckimus Jet!
02:16:44 - Truckimus Jet just destroyed the machine with one shot and tackled The Fallen off the pyramid. And shot Megatron in the face. What is it with the face?
02:20:09 - The good guys win. Everybody is okay. Cue the Linkin Park...
Confusing and hard to follow? You bet! Here's Rob at Topless Robot with an attempt to clarify...
So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.
Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.
Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Mumblebee to play when Youngblood says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.
Why can't Mumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Mumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.
Why does Youngblood's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, she was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (their son was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.
A lot was made of how Youngblood's real life hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes he had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.
That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."
38:18 - Volvo ad placement. And a whole bunch of construction vehicles transform and jump off a cargo ship to recover the corpse of Megatron. No, of course nobody saw them do it. And don't ask why they dropped his corpse at the bottom of the ocean istead of dismantle and study him. The government would never do that.
41:22 - Resurected Megatron flies back to Cybertron, which looks like a leftover from The Matrix, so talk to his boss The Fallen. The production design on this movie blows. At least we're treated to more exposition to advance the story about things we know. And get unexplaned nuggets from The Fallen like "only a Prime can defeat me". Why? Because he says so.
43:35 - So Dwight teaches Astronomy 101 when he's not at The Office?
46:29 - The evil R/C truck, which is basically Joe Pescibot, tries to get the Allspark sliver that Hottie was holding for Youngblood, who is now seeing Wingdings everywhere. Um, they already got one of those for Megatron...guess you didn't read your Decepti-email.
47:54 - Southwest Airlines ad placement.
50:11 - Youngblood finds out Shifty Ho has a cyber-tail that comes out her panties. And a cyber-lasso tongue. Most times, you create a slutty robot to attend college classes and stick her in the same dorm and don't really know what will become of it. Kudos to the bad guys for having such an elaborate plan, and actually getting to use it. And kudos to the script supervisor and costume department for Az-Tech mainfesting a hoodie after showing up to his room without one...or never going inside to get it.
51:55 - Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie run and hide from
54:47 - The car Az-Tech, Youngblood, and Hottie were in was just:
1) picked up by a helicopter
2) flown to an abandoned warehouse where it was dropped through the roof
3) crashed front end first into the concrete below, and rolled upside down
4) cut in half with a giant spinning saw blade
Don't worry, everybody's okay.
56:20 - More stupid critter-bots, including one that plays doctor and talks like Col. Clink, rip off The Matrix with inner body probing, and lets us know the Wingdings in Youndblood's head can lead to an energon source.
57:20 - Robots fighting in a warehouse. Nothing like five-story machines effortlessly doing front and back flips while shooting at each other. And orchestral Linkin Park!
58:46 - Robots fighting in a forest. Just because it's outdoors doesn't make it any less confusing. Like how a tractor trailer truck and all the bad guys can get there, but none of the other good robots can...1:00:26 - Michael Bay to his critics via Truckimus Prime: "I'll take you all on!" He is impervious to anyone telling him how shitty his films are.
1:01:00 - Truckimus Prime rips a Decepticons face in half. He really like killing his enemies in the face. Little does he know he'll die in a minute.
1:04:43 - Time for some French stereotypes...a mime and escargot. Thanks for letting us know how Youngblood's parent's vacation in Paris was going.
1:05:12 - Shit crashes to Earth from outer space. Aircraft carriers and cites go boom. The Fallen broadcasts from a super power source antenna on the top of a building in New York (that I'm sure is really there too) a threat to destroy the planet if they don't turn over Youngblood. And the things the media say are as insultingly dumb as they are quixotic:
• "The military has just told us they have assumed Condition Delta, which is the highest level we have been at since 9/11" - which is what?
• "President Obama is being flown to a bunker somewhere in the middle of the United States" - sure, broadcast that.
• "the worst simultaneous attacks ever around the globe" yet they only have "worldwide casualties in the neighborhood of 7000." Really unimpressive too if that include the 5,700 or so member crew (yes, that's how many people are on them - I checked) of the carrier that went "down off the east coast - all hands lost". Assholes, look up some facts and think before you write this awful nonsense...
Big plugs for CNN, too.
1:09:00 - A moment with the Minstrel Twins, complete with gold buck tooth, cap-poppin' slang racist stereotypes and Az-Tech, competing to be the character you hope dies soonest.
1:09:43 - We all laughed in the theater when the helicopter carrying Truckimus Prime's body dropped him from 30 feet up onto the army base tarmac. It's still unintentionally funny now. Or Bay really is a genius.
1:10:25 - Jerk Bureaucrat is gonna shut down the Autobot-Army special team? Who didn't see that coming? "This is our war now, and we will win it like we always have...with a coordinated military strategy." America, fuck yeah!01:11:07 - Some English guy gets his one line for the film. Understand they went through a casting process, fitted some guy for wardrobe, and had to set up camera and lighting for this one shot for his one line. Matthew Marsden, this is your big moment! Revel in so much ado about nothing.
01:11:27 - "I really don't like that dude. He's an asshole." Hard Black Man, it's like you're reading my mind, about every character and performance in this film. Including yours.
01:13:18 - No Youngblood, don't give yourself up to The Fallen over guilt that Truckimus Prime is dead. Ask the Minstrel Twins to decypher the Wingdings, unless...they're illiterate? Wow, why did they stop short and not say how much they liked grape soda and fried chicken? At least they're going to find somebody who can read the glyphs.
01:13:50 - Yes! More Linkin Park!
01:15:04 - And the guy who'll crack the Cybertronian symbols is...John Turturro? I guess his contract explicitly states he will not appear in the first hour of this film either. From Barton Fink to this...sad.
01:16:20 - Doesn't every meat locket have a secret trap door that leads to an underground vault with truckloads of stolen government files and property? No, well then you really won't believe that even in 2009, nobody has figured out that there's a bunch of Wingdings on ancient structures around the world.
01:19:01 - Joe Pescibot knows where a bunch of old transformers are who can read Wingdings. Hooray!
01:20:49 - Az-Tech tazers himself. Because there had to be some way to fuck up the simplistic task of taking out the only two guards at the Smithsonian. Good thing there's no security cameras there, or it would be a lot harder!
01:21:25 - Air France ad placement.
01:22:14 - Youngblood uses his shard of Allspark to reanimate a stealth bomber that is a cane-using Old English Decepticon, so it can get the Wingdings translated to find the energon that - wait, why didn't they just use it to bring Truckimus Prime back and ask him?
01:23:09 - I don't remember there being a giant aircraft graveyard behind the Smithsonian. Must be the other Smithsonian not in Washington D.C.
01:24:11 - Joe Pescibot humping Hottie's leg. And there's still an hour left.
01:24:50 - Old English farts explosions. And parachutes.
01:25:49 - And can teleport. To Egypt. "Begining, middle, end. Facts, details...condensed. Plot...tell it." That's what I was thinking, and a character just demanded it. If one of them says, "This movie sucks," next, I'm going to get freaked out.
01:27:50 - Proof that you can't give some rambling exposition after 90 minute of film and hope to make any sense of it:
So there was a great battle millenia ago, that conveniently, left no traces behind for humans to find, over the retardedly named Matrix Of Leadership (huh?), which is the key to turn on a hidden machine that harvests energon was built. The machine works by blowing up the sun, and The Fallen was the black sheep of the Primes who wanted to turn it on, which goes against the Prime's golden rule. The remaining Prime family hid the Matrix Of
Or not. The alien robots, in order to protect Earth, hid the Matrix on the planet...yep, sounds better than, say, anywhere else in galaxy! At least they pointlessly made a tomb of their own bodies rather than stay alive to protect the Matrix. that's far easier than just killing the Fallen. Besides, it's not like they need energon to survive and the Matrix was the key to power the machines. Oh wait, they do. No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
01:29:09 - So now, they're all gonna find the machine and the Matrix to possibly resurect Truckimus Prime so he can defeat The Fallen. Good plan. Now just call the military and get them to fly over Trucky's corpse.
01:36:21 - From Egypt to Jordan, and we're still looking for the secret hiding place of the Matrix. Yawn. I will also point out nothing has exploded in at least 10 minutes.01:38:05 - Oh, how rich. G.I. Joe tricked Jerk Buereucrat to parachute out of their plane. Problem solved!
01:40:15 - Thanks to the Minstrel Twins grab-assing, they find the anti-clamactic tomb of Primes and the Matrix, which instantly turns to dust. Hmmm. Well, gather that Matrix dust so you can sprinkle it on Truckimus. He's just four clicks away with G.I. Joe and the rest of the co-op stike team. Follow the flare they shot. you too, Decepticons.
01:45:09 - Az-Tech gets tazered again for being a loud, whining bitch. I'd watch two hour of him getting stunned no problem.
01:46:38 - An EMP burst is fired on G.I. Joe and crew. Neither the Decepticon nor any of the other robots within the four kilometers are effected. Must be one of those radio-only EMPs.
01:48:09 - Satellites are knocked out too. All the robots are still fine.
01:50:06 - "This ain't good." I know Hard Black Man. We all know. Thus begins a half hour of impossible chaos and fighting between robots and people and other robots.
01:54:59 - What could be up to 17 different construction vehicles have turned into a giant sand-sifting machine, trying to suck The Minstrel Twins, Az-Tech, and John Turturro into it.
01:57:25 - Youngblood's parents also arrive for the fracas. Just because you and your evil robots know where Youngblood is doesn't mean you should abandon your plan to kidnap his parents into getting him to drawing him out...from where you know he is.
01:59:19 - Mumblebee kills the robot-cat by pulling it's spine out, tail first.
02:01:27 - The Jordanian Air Force, what little they had, get's hosed. Sorry, Omar, the only heroes in this movie are are robots and Americans!
02:02:07 - "Commence Operation:Firestorm! This is Warlord: Roll in strike package Alpha! Task Force Ripper, execute launching!"
02:03:16 - The Constructoclusterfuckbot is scaling a pyramid. Only John Turturro can keep it from turning on the machine and destroying the planet, because he just said so. Out loud to himself. What's it going to do, hotwire it without the Matrix?
02:03:29 - Improving on calling G.I. Joe on his cell phone from a desert pay phone, Turturro uses a walkie talkie to contact a naval aircraft carrier miles away. Really.
02:05:00 - Who is "clear to drop a 2000 ton" what? Even with your quick cuts and sound effects over the dialogue, I can still hear your silly, impossible bullshit.
02:06:05 - Hottie has been running through explosions, climbing over debris, and rolling around in the sand. Yet her white pants are still nice and clean.
02:07:56 - Old English shows up! And a tunneling robot from the first movie!
02:08:28 - Constructoclusterfuckbot has two giant wrecking balls as balls. Turturro sums up the whole movie "I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."02:08:57 - They use a secret, classified railgun on a naval ship to destroy the Constructoclusterfuckbot. Nice shot.
02:10:44 - Oops, they killed Youngblood. And he goes to...robot heaven? This is the last fucking straw Orci & Kurtzman, you goddamn hack writers.
02:13:43 - Resurected Youngblood uses the magically reformed Matrix to resurect Truckimus Prime. And then The Fallen takes it out of him 39 seconds later. Now Prime is immobilized and dead again.
02:15:15 - The Fallen has the power of the Force and can make everything levitate with a wave of his staff.
02:16:06 - Old English gives Truckimus his robot heart and parts to become some dumb looking hybrid. Enter Truckimus Jet!
02:16:44 - Truckimus Jet just destroyed the machine with one shot and tackled The Fallen off the pyramid. And shot Megatron in the face. What is it with the face?
02:20:09 - The good guys win. Everybody is okay. Cue the Linkin Park...
Confusing and hard to follow? You bet! Here's Rob at Topless Robot with an attempt to clarify...
So it's not as bad as shitting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.
Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.
Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Mumblebee to play when Youngblood says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.
Why can't Mumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Mumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living fuck out of a Decepticon later.
Why does Youngblood's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, she was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (their son was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.
A lot was made of how Youngblood's real life hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes he had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.
That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."
Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.
What is the point of the character of Youngblood's college roommate Az-Tech, and why the fuck does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Youngblood to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Old English anyways. It's all extraneous.
Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make shit fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Constructoclusterfuckbot's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because FUCK YOU, that's why.
Can you explain Hottie's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.
If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When FIVE Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks FIVE "subjects" going down, and when they get there, ONE of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5-1+1=5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "SIX" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a fuck. "Math? Math is for pussies. My movies are about shit blowing up, man."
His review is here, and it is worth reading.
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