The sixth Harry Potter film (of eight, based on seven books) made roughly $20 million from midnight showings alone, and will continue to build steam into the weekend. While the story by JK Rowling is well know to many adult and children, the interweb has asked and answered the question, "How would other famed authors and writers have penned the finale of the series?"
Mario Puzo (The Godfather):
Replacing the fallen Dumbledore as head of Hogwarts, Professor Minerva McGonagall proves to have balls of steel. In a well-coordinated series of carefully-timed attacks, the Order of the Phoenix kills every single Death Eater in a single night, settling all accounts.
John Grisham (The Firm):
Over the course of the book, Harry becomes disillusioned with the wizarding life as he realizes that it's just endless conflict in the service of his corrupt and power-hungry masters. He and Ginny change their names and assume new identities so they can leave the wizarding world and live happily ever after.
George Lucas:
The battle between Harry and Voldemort comes to a close with an exciting magical glowing sword fight in the never-before-seen high-tech part of Hogwarts during which Voldemort reveals that he's Harry's real father. Then the Death Star blows up.
Joe Haldeman (The Forever War, Forever Free, Worlds Enough and Time):
During the final confrontation, Neville Longbottom reveals unsuspected powers when he kills all the Death Eaters all over the world, including Lord Voldemort, by making them blow up into steaming bloody chunks. Neville explains that he is God The Creator Of The World in disguise, and then he blows up all the muggles in the world. God-Neville then proceeds to blow up all the all the wizards and witches in the world except Harry. Then he blows up Harry.
Dean Koontz (Watchers):
While Voldemort is preparing his final assault on Hogwarts, Arthur Weasley uses his knowledge of muggle artifacts come up with a plan to defeat Voldemort. He and Ron work desperately to connect the flue network to a fireplace in the house of a major Columbian drug lord. Harry and Hermione go through, stun everyone in the house, and steal all their Uzi submachineguns. When the Death Eaters arrive at Hogwarts, members of the Order of the Phoenix gun them down.
Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer):
As the conflict with Voldemort comes to a head, Ron Weasley is suddenly and shockingly killed. Hermione responds with steely determination, joined by Luna Lovegood, who turns out to be a rare witch who has super-powerful martial arts skills. While Harry tries ineffectively to help—often with comic results—Luna kills the Death Eaters with Unblockable Scorpion Kicks and Hermione defeats Voldemort in a head-on battle of magic.
Tom Clancy (The Hunt For Red October) :
All seems lost for Harry until the Voldemort problem is brought to the attention of American President Jack Ryan, who sends the Enterprise Carrier Group to defeat the Death Eaters in a series of air strikes. Distrustful of the Ministry of Magic, Harry Potter defects to the United States where he helps Ryan get elected to his fourth term as President.
David Chase (The Sopranos):
Discouraged by Lord Voldemort's tiresome battle against Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy makes peace with Harry Potter in a bid to take over the Death Eaters for himself. Meanwhile, Alicia Spinnet spots Lord Voldemort in Diagon Alley and catches him by surprise, killing him easily. Through a strange series of random events, all Voldemort's horcruxes are also destroyed. Thinking the danger is over, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione make plans to meet at the Three Broomsticks for butterbeers. Just as the last of them arrives __________________.
David Mamet (screenplay for DEATHLY HALLOWS):
EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS -- NIGHT
Harry and Voldemort approach eatch other, wands at the ready.
HARRY
So..
VOL.
Yeah... you're going to...
HARRY
Me?
VOL.
Uh...huh.
HARRY
No... you... it's.. you who'll
VOL.
Maybe... but...
HARRY
Guess we'd better.... with the...
Voldemort nods and they fling spells at one another.
FADE OUT
Ernest Hemingway:
While on the run, Harry and Ron go fishing and talk about life and death. The night before the final battle at Hogwart's, Harry and Ginny have one last fling. Ginny begs Harry to run away, but he knows he'll have to face Voldemort one day or another. In the final showdown, Harry and Voldemort kill each other at the same time. In the rain.
Dr. Seuss:
"You tried to kill me with your wand.
You tried to kill me near a pond.
You killed my mommy and my dad,
And that's what made me really mad.
You possessed my main squeeze little Ginny
when I whined my voice turned tinny.
I hate you truly, I really do
I'll kill you now, and that is true."
Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy):
Harry wakes up to the sound of Voldemort demolishing Hogwarts to make way for a magical broom bypasss. As the only surviving pupil, he wanders the world with his friends Ron and Hermoine guided only by The Travelling Magician's Magical Pocket Book, until, in an unexpected extra year at school, he discovers an alternate reality in which Hogwarts still exists and returns to complete his education. Hermione discovers a spell which will stop Voldemort from ever having existed, and they use it to gain victory, with the slight side effect that Ron and Hermione both cease to exist too.
Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code):
Dumbledore turns out to be the villain after all.
JRR Tolkien:
Good guys win, bad guys lose. Yet, there are still 600 pages left in the book.
30 Pages of Ron going home, 40 more of Hermione going home. Crookshanks peed on the rug, 70 pages of cleaning that up. 30 more pages while Harry goes home. Harry doesn't like home, goes to visit Ron. (50 more pages). They go to the mall (20). Someone mentions Dumbledore and they talk about him.. 75 more pages.
Appendix A - Entire text of 'Hogwarts, A History'.
Appendix B - Muggles, and how they got that way.
Appendix C - A collection of songs, presented in their original Parselmouth language.
Appendix D - Detailed description of the flora and fauna of the forbidden forest.
Appendix E - Wand styles of the famous.
Appendix F - A treatise on Lucius Malfoy's hair
Terry Goodkind (The Sword Of Truth):
Voldemort has now founded an evil and socialistic empire in which all Muggleborns, Muggles and magical creatures are convinced of their utter worthlessness. Bellatrix Lestrange decides to ensure that Harry not move against the Emperor Voldemort and puts a spell on Ginny that makes Ginny physically dependent on Bellatrix for her survival.
For some reason, Harry forgets all about Finite Incantatem and doesn't try breaking the spell. Instead, he goes off with Bellatrix, lives a humble, useful existence in the Empire for some time, and eventually carves a statue of Dobby and Kreacher side by side that overwhelms all who see it with its power, hope and unearthly beauty. Voldemort orders it destroyed, and all the appreciators of kitschy art--which is pretty much the whole Empire--rise up and defeat him in the name of Harry, Ayn Rand and free-market capitalism.
Frank Herbert (Dune):
Voldemort wraps himself in a snakeskin, which grows onto him and transforms him into a giant version of Nagini. He becomes the God Emperor of the Wizarding World. Lucius Malfoy wanders off into the wilderness and may or may not be dead. Narcissa's sister, St-Andromeda-of-the-Knife, fights valiantly for her family and against its enemies, which is difficult, because some of the family IS its own enemy. Luna Lovegood becomes a Reverend Mother, which means that for a change, all of her odd pronouncements are taken seriously and presumed to make sense. Harry is revealed to be a ghola of a defective mentat that is not being allowed to die.
Ultimately, it is revealed that as terrible as Voldemort's actions were, they have actually saved the world and humanity, and probably galactic civilisation as the universe will one day know it. Harry weeps in the end, saying that Voldemort was always the stronger.
Robert Jordan (The Wheel Of Time):
All of the dead characters get resurrected except for Sirius (who is clearly going to return from the gate in a later book). Instead of doing anything himself, Voldemort sends out his most powerful lieutenants who cook up increasingly complex schemes that are outwitted by whiny teenagers. All of the women now have horribly bad sinus problems and wind up obsessively smoothing their breasts and folding their arms under their skirts (wait ... I think I have that backward).
Harry is now part of an increasingly irritating menage a quatre involving Ginny, Cho, and Luna Lovegood--all of whom turn out to be leaders of wizarding tribes. Ron winds up having to kidnap Hermione to fulfill a prophecy while dice tumble in his head. All this while Neville grows a beard, gives up his wand for an axe, and chases after his true love (who was kidnapped in book 2).
Oh, and there are at least 7 more books to be written.
Stephen King:
The good guys win. They gather in the Great Hall for a huge party. Then, the Great Hall eats them.
Harlan Ellison:
Harry’s sanity finally fractures copiously breaking open unspoken magic that pours from his wand crushing Voldemort and all the horcruxes instantaneously. As he goes trudging up to the castle Fang comes bounding up with a few cans of butter beer.
“Did you catch scent of that Ginny girl Fang?” Harry asked impatiently grabbing a can from the dog’s jowls.
Fang replied with his usual almost bored tenor, “She’s amongst many females but I did catch her scent near the castle.”
Harry smiled, “Good.”
Jane Austen:
Harry, Ron and Hermione travel back in time to a ball Voldemort attended as a young man to try to learn more about where the Horcruxes might be. The young Tom Riddle sees Hermione across the room and is struck by her beauty. He asks her to dance but she snubs him, which infuriates him, but also makes him instantly in love with her. He asks all his friends who she is and is shocked to find out she's muggle-born. For days he tries to go on being evil, but with Hermione showing up everywhere he goes, he gives in, and confesses his love to her. Hermione is frightened. She and the others quickly flee back to the present time, but the young Voldemort follows them. Hermione grows to love him in return as he uses his power for good to try and impress her, and he is kind of cute after all. The world is saved and Tom and Hermione have a double wedding with Harry and Ginny.
Issac Asimov:
After leaving the children on the platform to go to Hogwarts, a little marked even takes place in a nearby cave where a figure appears out of thin air to begin speaking about how events should have brought Harry Potter to his final end and that Lord Voldemort will now usher in a period of 10 million years of dark magic which will then give way to total isolation of the wizarding community from the newly evolving intelligent hamster population which has been found to be completely impervious to all forms of human magic.
The only individual around to hear this proclamation is a small newt who, if he could have, would have delivered the information except that he was captured soon afterwards and eventually ended up in a potion which managed to further mess up the whole time line until everyone was so thoroughly confused that they all just took a nap.
Mark Twain:
Harry goes and takes the Horcruxes for himself. Then he buries them somewhere. Voldemort goes and tries to kill Harry, but he falls to the river and drowns. Harry and Ron go fishing, and Ginny and Hermione do femenine stuff. They accidentally find the horcruxes, blame Harry and Ron, who end up painting Hogwarts' gates, closely watched by McGonagall. Harry tricks Neville who ends up painting instead, while Harry eats chauldron pie.
H.P. Lovecraft:
Harry open the door to the pit. The fowl air was noxious and noisome. Below opened an abyss that sank into the eternal darkness. I knew that this was the last know resting place of The Necronomicon, the fowl grimary of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. Ron’s dream quest into the unknown regions of Kadath had led him to Nyarlathotep. It was he who shared with Ron the secret of the book, its power over life and death – time and space. Ron fought many dark beasts to return to Harry and give him this information. It cost him his sanity and he now resides in a well padded cell screaming about the Great Old One pressing into this dimension.
Harry climbed down the Abyss. Compelled forward by his obsession with Valdemort. I followed his lead. Down the stairs we went fighting despair and repulsion each step. There we found The Necronomicon. Harry read its pages the strain of what if told showed on his face, so furrowed was his brow that even his lightening scar was obscured. Then his eyes lit upon a passage, which he reviewed several times. He look to me and said I have found it and spoke a single word. “Azathoth”. I am not certain of what happened next. I ran as if the devil was on my heels. If only it was Satan I could perhaps sleep but the evil Harry brought to us is beyond mere words. I know only that as I fled the shadows on the cave walls suggested to me that Harry’s skull was made to burst by some unseen inhuman hand. It was this incomprehensible horror from which I ran.
As I write this I know I will not last to the end of this night. We have brought the ruin of all. I have seen what is following. A gun, a bullet and I will find peace. Azathoth, that last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemies and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes. Azathoth, the crawling chaos, came when Harry called.
C.S. Lewis:
When Ron, Hermione, and Harry were on the platform waiting for the train to Hogwarts, they were actually struck and killed by the derailed Hogwarts Express. Dumbledore is resurrected by a magic older than time and leads everyone to a new "Hogwarts". All of this is really just a Christian allegory though.
Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club):
It turns out Harry and Voldemort are in fact the same person. Voldemort has just been taking over while Harry has been "sleeping" Harry slowly unravels his own plot to blow up Hogwarts and Voldemort wanting to sacrifice himself as part of Project Death Eaters. There's a huge standoff between Harry and himself on the roof where he holds himself at gunpoint. Ginny comes to the roof and Harry finally manages to push out Voldemort from his mind. The bombs fail to explode but Harry realizes the only way to get rid of Voldemort is to kill himself. He sticks his wand up his throat and fires a killing curse at himself.
William Faulkner:
Voldemort cries as he dies, "My mother is a fish."
Terry Pratchett (The Color Of Magic):
Voldemort kills Harry right off the bat, and Death and Harry romp around wittily for the next hundred pages while hilariously confusing things happen to the students at Hogwarts, who have all inexplicably become fat old men with silly names and violent deathwishes for one another. Madam Pince becomes a giant monkey. Harry declares himself a Great Wizzard and has a battle to the death with Death to win the hand of Ginny, who is somehow now his adopted daughter. The new Minister of Magic is a clever fellow who dresses in black and strikes fear in the heart of all who see him and his arching eyebrows. The Aurors are revealed to be bumbling but stalwart and goodhearted chaps, and Moody, their leader, marries McGonagall and has an extraordinarily late child with her, thus revealing his charming fatherly tendencies. Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and Fleur form a band of comic female magic-workers and star in several adventures of their own before the entire book ends when Harry falls off the edge of the world. Luckily, at the beginning of the next book this won't matter, since some totally unexplained magical phenomenon will reverse all ill effects accumulated in this book and deposit Harry upside-down in a tree outside Hogsmeade.
George R. R. Martin (Song Of Ice And Fire):
Almost all of characters appeared to play their own game. Half of them are killing each other. Then Harry fly to Romania, fetch some dragons and burns down the other half.
Homer:
Harry kills Voldemort and gets lost on his way home where he outsmarts a Cyclops, runs into some Lotus eaters, hears the song of the Sirens, sleeps with a goddess, travels to Hades to talk to his mum, dad, and Sirius, and returns home, where Ginny has been waiting chastely for him for twenty years. Killing Voldemort wasn't enough though, and he has to kill some suitors and hang some handmaidens, making him a truly complex character.
Michael Moore (Sicko):
Harry leads a camera crew to find out all the things that the Ministry of Magic neglected to show, only to reveal the bad things happening at Azkaban. He goes to trial against the Ministry of Magic to defend the Deatheaters rights as wizards. When Harry gets them released, he goes on to get assasinated at the opening of the show by the same people he was trying to save.
Kevin Smith (Clerks):
After Voldemort's defeat, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny move to New Jersey. They have long, verbose conversations about genitalia and Star Wars. Jay and Silent Bob show up for some reason. Lots of swearing and cigarette smoke.
H.G. Wells:
Voldemort and the Death Eaters take over the entire world in gigantic unstoppable war machines that are invulnerable to magic. They've been planning this for millions of years, only choosing to do so when there is a potential threat to deal with. Eventually, when every good magician and magical creature is under control, they get out to go for a stroll. The Order of the Phoenix looks on aghast as Voldemort and the Death Eaters die almost instantly from colds and the flu. Steven Spielberg makes a Tom Cruise movie out of the story nearly 110 years later.
Geoffrey Chaucer:
Euerywun is hauing a merri olde tyme. Farte yokes and other scatologycale humour are prouyded, and the hole thyng is the noghty tales as tolde by J.K. Rowlinge tew a grup of trauelers on the morn Tyube to werk.
Tom Stoppard (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead):
Voldemort: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a grave with a stone on it?
Harry: No. Like Dumbledore? Whose grave you desecrated to get the Elder W....
Voldemort: Neither do I. Why be depressed? It's like being alive. One forgets that one is dead, and that matters, doesn't it? Would you know you were dead, and under a stone? It would be just like you are asleep. Of course, you probably wouldn't like to sleep under a heavy stone, with all the ground under you and around you and in your nose. You'd wake up, and you'd be dead, and then where would you be? In the ground under a bloody stone, that's where. That's what I don't like, because you'd be trapped, right? And there forever and not even know you're dead. It's not right. If I asked you now, "I'm going to point my wand at you and mutter a killing curse and then put you under the ground with a big heavy stone with your name on top of you. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?" naturally you'd prefer to be alive. Life in the ground with the dirt in your nose is better than no life at all. You might get out. You would lie there thinking about how you are not dead and in a minute Hermione or Ginny or Ron or that useless Neville, well maybe not Neville, will point their wand at the stone and get you out.
[points wand at ground and makes a whooshing noise]
Voldemort: "Hey, Harry Potter. Stop wasting time and come out from under that stone!"
Harry: [long pause] I think I'm going to kill you.
Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game):
Harry is trained by a succession of mentors, and is tricked into gathering the horcruxes. He fights in what he believes to be a simulated battle, using enchanted figurines and creatures, only to discover that he has unknowingly destroyed Voldemort and the alien planet from whenst he came in the process. Harry is dumbfounded and depressed about this trickery, and leaves earth with Ginny, to escape from his past. They inhabit an enchanted RV (which flies through space) for several years while they travel to another solar system at lightspeed. Time passes slowly for them, and on earth, al that they know and love withers and dies, and a new empire, controlled by rabid penguins, rises. Sadly, they know none of this. As they leave the solar system, their powers wane and die, and they land on an empty planet only an inch from being muggles. They build an empire over the course of several millenia, and live to an old age. Harry writes books about his past and the past of humanity under the name "talker for the completely annhiliated". His books include such titles as "The Minister" and "The Dark King". He and ginny die ninety years after leaving earth, surrounded by the futuristic and technological society which they built.
Philip K. Dick (Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep):
Harry, upon walking into the great hall is hit by Voldemort's worst curse: toomuchus acidus, instantly sending Harry into yet unconquered plains of his unconscious mind. After 10 hours of balls to the wall tripping Harry is informed by Ron that Hogwarts is not real, but merely the result of Harry's long term psychosis exponentiated by the massive amounts of LSD that his mother took during pregnancy. In reality, Harry is sealed in a padded room that exists some time after the third world war.
Or is he?....
Franz Kafka:
Voldemort struggles to gain entrance to Hogwarts so that he may assist in the destruction of the Death Eaters. Upon reaching the main hall, he is forced to reluctantly square off against Harry Potter, guided by Lucius' misguided advice, in an epic final battle, despite having not ever done anything wrong.
He resigns himself to his fate, choosing to have Harry use a killing curse, rather than firing one himself and having it deflected, in an act of suicide. On his tombstone, his name is misspelled.
Harry's victory is ultimately received with little fanfare, except by Hermione, whose attempts to remain optimistic are partially a result of her encroaching insanity. Harry falls into a deep depression and disillusionment with the school faculty, and returns home to the Dursleys.
One night under the staircase, Harry awakens as a large bug of indiscriminate origin. The Dursleys attempt to preserve his life for a short time, before succumbing to exhaustion over their plight and starving him.
Dudley goes on to become a very successful lawyer, who marries rich and dies at an old age, surrounded by insincere yet appreciative friends.
James Joyce:
Harry and the mnixess't ol' doley Voldey mort mneander down the prix-brillig toe path realizing twas nearly hunnerds of years ago that me'am starts death the eaters yet hearty hardy harry twissts thizductiously and then once and fatefull'n'all his eyes by chance glance and his mouth a-mutterin do do you love me and Voldemort looks and yes and I and yes and so happy and yes and he loves me
Jack Kerouac:
Harry can either fight Voldemort to the death or sacrifice himself to save his friends. He decides he doesn't like either option, and hits the road with Ron, looking for something better. They hitchhike, drive, and have several adventures in sex and booze. Harry lives through a series of events that are not particularly dramatic, but he views them with enough angst and wonder to make them interesting. A generation identifies with his unfulfilled outlook and the Beat generation is born.
Tom Woolf (Bonfire Of The Vanities):
He's magic man! The real deal, Harry is, and he'll blow your mind and shake your soul until the whole precepts you've built your life around crumble like the Walls of Jericho and all you can see is the LIME:::LIGHT:::and it sparkles Harry's eyes and he doesn't see Voldemort's shiny spell flying at him until its too late and Harry's on the ground and the Universe is rebuilding itself around him and all he can think about is the bridge of stars climbing up, up, up from his chest into the Holy Night Sky.
Hunter S. Thompson:
Journalist Raoul Duke and his Mexican sidekick Doctor Gonzo are on had to witness and report on the wizard's duel of the century for the Daily Prophet, but Duke is far more interested in describing the cornucopia of uppers, downers, narcs, bennies, powders and pills he's got in his pockets. In an ether induced haze the two stumble in between Harry and Voldemort, shout incoherently, vomit on Prof. McGonagall's feet, and briefly reminisce about the end of the 60s. Finally Gonzo swears Hermoine is in love with him, pulls out a knife, and they both pass out. Duke later writes the story from his point of view for Rolling Stone magazine.
Warren Ellis (Transmetropolitan):
Harry pulls out his bowel disruptor and sets it to "projectile diarrhea". Voldemort is hit and sprays poop all over the Death Eater's, lingering for several seconds on Draco Malfoy. Suddenly Col. Dirk Anger, the mastermind who has been pulling Voldemort's strings the entire time, emerges from the shadows. He promptly commits suicide in the most impossible and hilarious way imaginable. Hermoine has magical breast enhancement surgery and fucks the shit out of Ron, who unfortunately can't get off without a picture of Godzilla and a sack full of saline. Hagrid reveals his lust for magical creatures in a series of successful direct-to-Internet pornos.
William S. Burroughs:
The shoots have grown to remarkable heights. The constipated junkie examines the long red needle protruding from the ghastly wound in his arm. Neck flaps and lollygaggers walk through the shadowed marble valleys and the old weary centipedes. The Boy looks through his glasses for the last time as he stumbles mindlessly through the dark to the halls of white flowers and florescent memories.
J.J.Abrams (Lost):
Harry and Voldemort face off, about to fight ...
FLASHBACK - Voldemort is a child, being told by an unidentified parent figure that he has a destiny to fulfill. It is revealed that Voldemort, due to the aftermath of the Final Battle, has been flitting through different time periods and is in fact his own father.
FLASHFORWARD - Harry is seen, 20 years after defeating Voldemort, in an isolated environment. He has to press a button every 108 minute to prevent the paradox of Voldemort being his own father from destroying the space-time continuim.
Mario Puzo (The Godfather):
Replacing the fallen Dumbledore as head of Hogwarts, Professor Minerva McGonagall proves to have balls of steel. In a well-coordinated series of carefully-timed attacks, the Order of the Phoenix kills every single Death Eater in a single night, settling all accounts.
John Grisham (The Firm):Over the course of the book, Harry becomes disillusioned with the wizarding life as he realizes that it's just endless conflict in the service of his corrupt and power-hungry masters. He and Ginny change their names and assume new identities so they can leave the wizarding world and live happily ever after.
George Lucas:
The battle between Harry and Voldemort comes to a close with an exciting magical glowing sword fight in the never-before-seen high-tech part of Hogwarts during which Voldemort reveals that he's Harry's real father. Then the Death Star blows up.
Joe Haldeman (The Forever War, Forever Free, Worlds Enough and Time):
During the final confrontation, Neville Longbottom reveals unsuspected powers when he kills all the Death Eaters all over the world, including Lord Voldemort, by making them blow up into steaming bloody chunks. Neville explains that he is God The Creator Of The World in disguise, and then he blows up all the muggles in the world. God-Neville then proceeds to blow up all the all the wizards and witches in the world except Harry. Then he blows up Harry.
Dean Koontz (Watchers):
While Voldemort is preparing his final assault on Hogwarts, Arthur Weasley uses his knowledge of muggle artifacts come up with a plan to defeat Voldemort. He and Ron work desperately to connect the flue network to a fireplace in the house of a major Columbian drug lord. Harry and Hermione go through, stun everyone in the house, and steal all their Uzi submachineguns. When the Death Eaters arrive at Hogwarts, members of the Order of the Phoenix gun them down.
Joss Whedon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer):
As the conflict with Voldemort comes to a head, Ron Weasley is suddenly and shockingly killed. Hermione responds with steely determination, joined by Luna Lovegood, who turns out to be a rare witch who has super-powerful martial arts skills. While Harry tries ineffectively to help—often with comic results—Luna kills the Death Eaters with Unblockable Scorpion Kicks and Hermione defeats Voldemort in a head-on battle of magic.
Tom Clancy (The Hunt For Red October) :
All seems lost for Harry until the Voldemort problem is brought to the attention of American President Jack Ryan, who sends the Enterprise Carrier Group to defeat the Death Eaters in a series of air strikes. Distrustful of the Ministry of Magic, Harry Potter defects to the United States where he helps Ryan get elected to his fourth term as President.
David Chase (The Sopranos):
Discouraged by Lord Voldemort's tiresome battle against Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy makes peace with Harry Potter in a bid to take over the Death Eaters for himself. Meanwhile, Alicia Spinnet spots Lord Voldemort in Diagon Alley and catches him by surprise, killing him easily. Through a strange series of random events, all Voldemort's horcruxes are also destroyed. Thinking the danger is over, Harry, Ginny, Ron, and Hermione make plans to meet at the Three Broomsticks for butterbeers. Just as the last of them arrives __________________.
David Mamet (screenplay for DEATHLY HALLOWS):
EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS -- NIGHT
Harry and Voldemort approach eatch other, wands at the ready.
HARRY
So..
VOL.
Yeah... you're going to...
HARRY
Me?
VOL.
Uh...huh.
HARRY
No... you... it's.. you who'll
VOL.
Maybe... but...
HARRY
Guess we'd better.... with the...
Voldemort nods and they fling spells at one another.
FADE OUT
Ernest Hemingway:
While on the run, Harry and Ron go fishing and talk about life and death. The night before the final battle at Hogwart's, Harry and Ginny have one last fling. Ginny begs Harry to run away, but he knows he'll have to face Voldemort one day or another. In the final showdown, Harry and Voldemort kill each other at the same time. In the rain.
Dr. Seuss:
"You tried to kill me with your wand.
You tried to kill me near a pond.
You killed my mommy and my dad,
And that's what made me really mad.
You possessed my main squeeze little Ginny
when I whined my voice turned tinny.
I hate you truly, I really do
I'll kill you now, and that is true."
Douglas Adams (Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy):
Harry wakes up to the sound of Voldemort demolishing Hogwarts to make way for a magical broom bypasss. As the only surviving pupil, he wanders the world with his friends Ron and Hermoine guided only by The Travelling Magician's Magical Pocket Book, until, in an unexpected extra year at school, he discovers an alternate reality in which Hogwarts still exists and returns to complete his education. Hermione discovers a spell which will stop Voldemort from ever having existed, and they use it to gain victory, with the slight side effect that Ron and Hermione both cease to exist too.
Dan Brown (The Da Vinci Code):Dumbledore turns out to be the villain after all.
JRR Tolkien:
Good guys win, bad guys lose. Yet, there are still 600 pages left in the book.
30 Pages of Ron going home, 40 more of Hermione going home. Crookshanks peed on the rug, 70 pages of cleaning that up. 30 more pages while Harry goes home. Harry doesn't like home, goes to visit Ron. (50 more pages). They go to the mall (20). Someone mentions Dumbledore and they talk about him.. 75 more pages.
Appendix A - Entire text of 'Hogwarts, A History'.
Appendix B - Muggles, and how they got that way.
Appendix C - A collection of songs, presented in their original Parselmouth language.
Appendix D - Detailed description of the flora and fauna of the forbidden forest.
Appendix E - Wand styles of the famous.
Appendix F - A treatise on Lucius Malfoy's hair
Terry Goodkind (The Sword Of Truth):
Voldemort has now founded an evil and socialistic empire in which all Muggleborns, Muggles and magical creatures are convinced of their utter worthlessness. Bellatrix Lestrange decides to ensure that Harry not move against the Emperor Voldemort and puts a spell on Ginny that makes Ginny physically dependent on Bellatrix for her survival.
For some reason, Harry forgets all about Finite Incantatem and doesn't try breaking the spell. Instead, he goes off with Bellatrix, lives a humble, useful existence in the Empire for some time, and eventually carves a statue of Dobby and Kreacher side by side that overwhelms all who see it with its power, hope and unearthly beauty. Voldemort orders it destroyed, and all the appreciators of kitschy art--which is pretty much the whole Empire--rise up and defeat him in the name of Harry, Ayn Rand and free-market capitalism.
Frank Herbert (Dune):
Voldemort wraps himself in a snakeskin, which grows onto him and transforms him into a giant version of Nagini. He becomes the God Emperor of the Wizarding World. Lucius Malfoy wanders off into the wilderness and may or may not be dead. Narcissa's sister, St-Andromeda-of-the-Knife, fights valiantly for her family and against its enemies, which is difficult, because some of the family IS its own enemy. Luna Lovegood becomes a Reverend Mother, which means that for a change, all of her odd pronouncements are taken seriously and presumed to make sense. Harry is revealed to be a ghola of a defective mentat that is not being allowed to die.
Ultimately, it is revealed that as terrible as Voldemort's actions were, they have actually saved the world and humanity, and probably galactic civilisation as the universe will one day know it. Harry weeps in the end, saying that Voldemort was always the stronger.
Robert Jordan (The Wheel Of Time):
All of the dead characters get resurrected except for Sirius (who is clearly going to return from the gate in a later book). Instead of doing anything himself, Voldemort sends out his most powerful lieutenants who cook up increasingly complex schemes that are outwitted by whiny teenagers. All of the women now have horribly bad sinus problems and wind up obsessively smoothing their breasts and folding their arms under their skirts (wait ... I think I have that backward).
Harry is now part of an increasingly irritating menage a quatre involving Ginny, Cho, and Luna Lovegood--all of whom turn out to be leaders of wizarding tribes. Ron winds up having to kidnap Hermione to fulfill a prophecy while dice tumble in his head. All this while Neville grows a beard, gives up his wand for an axe, and chases after his true love (who was kidnapped in book 2).
Oh, and there are at least 7 more books to be written.
Stephen King:
The good guys win. They gather in the Great Hall for a huge party. Then, the Great Hall eats them.
Harlan Ellison:
Harry’s sanity finally fractures copiously breaking open unspoken magic that pours from his wand crushing Voldemort and all the horcruxes instantaneously. As he goes trudging up to the castle Fang comes bounding up with a few cans of butter beer.
“Did you catch scent of that Ginny girl Fang?” Harry asked impatiently grabbing a can from the dog’s jowls.
Fang replied with his usual almost bored tenor, “She’s amongst many females but I did catch her scent near the castle.”
Harry smiled, “Good.”
Jane Austen:Harry, Ron and Hermione travel back in time to a ball Voldemort attended as a young man to try to learn more about where the Horcruxes might be. The young Tom Riddle sees Hermione across the room and is struck by her beauty. He asks her to dance but she snubs him, which infuriates him, but also makes him instantly in love with her. He asks all his friends who she is and is shocked to find out she's muggle-born. For days he tries to go on being evil, but with Hermione showing up everywhere he goes, he gives in, and confesses his love to her. Hermione is frightened. She and the others quickly flee back to the present time, but the young Voldemort follows them. Hermione grows to love him in return as he uses his power for good to try and impress her, and he is kind of cute after all. The world is saved and Tom and Hermione have a double wedding with Harry and Ginny.
Issac Asimov:
After leaving the children on the platform to go to Hogwarts, a little marked even takes place in a nearby cave where a figure appears out of thin air to begin speaking about how events should have brought Harry Potter to his final end and that Lord Voldemort will now usher in a period of 10 million years of dark magic which will then give way to total isolation of the wizarding community from the newly evolving intelligent hamster population which has been found to be completely impervious to all forms of human magic.
The only individual around to hear this proclamation is a small newt who, if he could have, would have delivered the information except that he was captured soon afterwards and eventually ended up in a potion which managed to further mess up the whole time line until everyone was so thoroughly confused that they all just took a nap.
Mark Twain:
Harry goes and takes the Horcruxes for himself. Then he buries them somewhere. Voldemort goes and tries to kill Harry, but he falls to the river and drowns. Harry and Ron go fishing, and Ginny and Hermione do femenine stuff. They accidentally find the horcruxes, blame Harry and Ron, who end up painting Hogwarts' gates, closely watched by McGonagall. Harry tricks Neville who ends up painting instead, while Harry eats chauldron pie.
H.P. Lovecraft:
Harry open the door to the pit. The fowl air was noxious and noisome. Below opened an abyss that sank into the eternal darkness. I knew that this was the last know resting place of The Necronomicon, the fowl grimary of the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred. Ron’s dream quest into the unknown regions of Kadath had led him to Nyarlathotep. It was he who shared with Ron the secret of the book, its power over life and death – time and space. Ron fought many dark beasts to return to Harry and give him this information. It cost him his sanity and he now resides in a well padded cell screaming about the Great Old One pressing into this dimension.
Harry climbed down the Abyss. Compelled forward by his obsession with Valdemort. I followed his lead. Down the stairs we went fighting despair and repulsion each step. There we found The Necronomicon. Harry read its pages the strain of what if told showed on his face, so furrowed was his brow that even his lightening scar was obscured. Then his eyes lit upon a passage, which he reviewed several times. He look to me and said I have found it and spoke a single word. “Azathoth”. I am not certain of what happened next. I ran as if the devil was on my heels. If only it was Satan I could perhaps sleep but the evil Harry brought to us is beyond mere words. I know only that as I fled the shadows on the cave walls suggested to me that Harry’s skull was made to burst by some unseen inhuman hand. It was this incomprehensible horror from which I ran.
As I write this I know I will not last to the end of this night. We have brought the ruin of all. I have seen what is following. A gun, a bullet and I will find peace. Azathoth, that last amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemies and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes. Azathoth, the crawling chaos, came when Harry called.
C.S. Lewis:
When Ron, Hermione, and Harry were on the platform waiting for the train to Hogwarts, they were actually struck and killed by the derailed Hogwarts Express. Dumbledore is resurrected by a magic older than time and leads everyone to a new "Hogwarts". All of this is really just a Christian allegory though.
Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club):
It turns out Harry and Voldemort are in fact the same person. Voldemort has just been taking over while Harry has been "sleeping" Harry slowly unravels his own plot to blow up Hogwarts and Voldemort wanting to sacrifice himself as part of Project Death Eaters. There's a huge standoff between Harry and himself on the roof where he holds himself at gunpoint. Ginny comes to the roof and Harry finally manages to push out Voldemort from his mind. The bombs fail to explode but Harry realizes the only way to get rid of Voldemort is to kill himself. He sticks his wand up his throat and fires a killing curse at himself.
William Faulkner:
Voldemort cries as he dies, "My mother is a fish."
Terry Pratchett (The Color Of Magic):
Voldemort kills Harry right off the bat, and Death and Harry romp around wittily for the next hundred pages while hilariously confusing things happen to the students at Hogwarts, who have all inexplicably become fat old men with silly names and violent deathwishes for one another. Madam Pince becomes a giant monkey. Harry declares himself a Great Wizzard and has a battle to the death with Death to win the hand of Ginny, who is somehow now his adopted daughter. The new Minister of Magic is a clever fellow who dresses in black and strikes fear in the heart of all who see him and his arching eyebrows. The Aurors are revealed to be bumbling but stalwart and goodhearted chaps, and Moody, their leader, marries McGonagall and has an extraordinarily late child with her, thus revealing his charming fatherly tendencies. Hermione, Ginny, Luna, and Fleur form a band of comic female magic-workers and star in several adventures of their own before the entire book ends when Harry falls off the edge of the world. Luckily, at the beginning of the next book this won't matter, since some totally unexplained magical phenomenon will reverse all ill effects accumulated in this book and deposit Harry upside-down in a tree outside Hogsmeade.
George R. R. Martin (Song Of Ice And Fire):
Almost all of characters appeared to play their own game. Half of them are killing each other. Then Harry fly to Romania, fetch some dragons and burns down the other half.
Homer:
Harry kills Voldemort and gets lost on his way home where he outsmarts a Cyclops, runs into some Lotus eaters, hears the song of the Sirens, sleeps with a goddess, travels to Hades to talk to his mum, dad, and Sirius, and returns home, where Ginny has been waiting chastely for him for twenty years. Killing Voldemort wasn't enough though, and he has to kill some suitors and hang some handmaidens, making him a truly complex character.
Michael Moore (Sicko):Harry leads a camera crew to find out all the things that the Ministry of Magic neglected to show, only to reveal the bad things happening at Azkaban. He goes to trial against the Ministry of Magic to defend the Deatheaters rights as wizards. When Harry gets them released, he goes on to get assasinated at the opening of the show by the same people he was trying to save.
Kevin Smith (Clerks):
After Voldemort's defeat, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny move to New Jersey. They have long, verbose conversations about genitalia and Star Wars. Jay and Silent Bob show up for some reason. Lots of swearing and cigarette smoke.
H.G. Wells:
Voldemort and the Death Eaters take over the entire world in gigantic unstoppable war machines that are invulnerable to magic. They've been planning this for millions of years, only choosing to do so when there is a potential threat to deal with. Eventually, when every good magician and magical creature is under control, they get out to go for a stroll. The Order of the Phoenix looks on aghast as Voldemort and the Death Eaters die almost instantly from colds and the flu. Steven Spielberg makes a Tom Cruise movie out of the story nearly 110 years later.
Geoffrey Chaucer:
Euerywun is hauing a merri olde tyme. Farte yokes and other scatologycale humour are prouyded, and the hole thyng is the noghty tales as tolde by J.K. Rowlinge tew a grup of trauelers on the morn Tyube to werk.
Tom Stoppard (Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead):
Voldemort: Did you ever think of yourself as actually dead, lying in a grave with a stone on it?
Harry: No. Like Dumbledore? Whose grave you desecrated to get the Elder W....
Voldemort: Neither do I. Why be depressed? It's like being alive. One forgets that one is dead, and that matters, doesn't it? Would you know you were dead, and under a stone? It would be just like you are asleep. Of course, you probably wouldn't like to sleep under a heavy stone, with all the ground under you and around you and in your nose. You'd wake up, and you'd be dead, and then where would you be? In the ground under a bloody stone, that's where. That's what I don't like, because you'd be trapped, right? And there forever and not even know you're dead. It's not right. If I asked you now, "I'm going to point my wand at you and mutter a killing curse and then put you under the ground with a big heavy stone with your name on top of you. Now, would you rather be alive or dead?" naturally you'd prefer to be alive. Life in the ground with the dirt in your nose is better than no life at all. You might get out. You would lie there thinking about how you are not dead and in a minute Hermione or Ginny or Ron or that useless Neville, well maybe not Neville, will point their wand at the stone and get you out.
[points wand at ground and makes a whooshing noise]
Voldemort: "Hey, Harry Potter. Stop wasting time and come out from under that stone!"
Harry: [long pause] I think I'm going to kill you.
Orson Scott Card (Ender's Game):
Harry is trained by a succession of mentors, and is tricked into gathering the horcruxes. He fights in what he believes to be a simulated battle, using enchanted figurines and creatures, only to discover that he has unknowingly destroyed Voldemort and the alien planet from whenst he came in the process. Harry is dumbfounded and depressed about this trickery, and leaves earth with Ginny, to escape from his past. They inhabit an enchanted RV (which flies through space) for several years while they travel to another solar system at lightspeed. Time passes slowly for them, and on earth, al that they know and love withers and dies, and a new empire, controlled by rabid penguins, rises. Sadly, they know none of this. As they leave the solar system, their powers wane and die, and they land on an empty planet only an inch from being muggles. They build an empire over the course of several millenia, and live to an old age. Harry writes books about his past and the past of humanity under the name "talker for the completely annhiliated". His books include such titles as "The Minister" and "The Dark King". He and ginny die ninety years after leaving earth, surrounded by the futuristic and technological society which they built.
Philip K. Dick (Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep):
Harry, upon walking into the great hall is hit by Voldemort's worst curse: toomuchus acidus, instantly sending Harry into yet unconquered plains of his unconscious mind. After 10 hours of balls to the wall tripping Harry is informed by Ron that Hogwarts is not real, but merely the result of Harry's long term psychosis exponentiated by the massive amounts of LSD that his mother took during pregnancy. In reality, Harry is sealed in a padded room that exists some time after the third world war.
Or is he?....
Franz Kafka:
Voldemort struggles to gain entrance to Hogwarts so that he may assist in the destruction of the Death Eaters. Upon reaching the main hall, he is forced to reluctantly square off against Harry Potter, guided by Lucius' misguided advice, in an epic final battle, despite having not ever done anything wrong.
He resigns himself to his fate, choosing to have Harry use a killing curse, rather than firing one himself and having it deflected, in an act of suicide. On his tombstone, his name is misspelled.
Harry's victory is ultimately received with little fanfare, except by Hermione, whose attempts to remain optimistic are partially a result of her encroaching insanity. Harry falls into a deep depression and disillusionment with the school faculty, and returns home to the Dursleys.
One night under the staircase, Harry awakens as a large bug of indiscriminate origin. The Dursleys attempt to preserve his life for a short time, before succumbing to exhaustion over their plight and starving him.
Dudley goes on to become a very successful lawyer, who marries rich and dies at an old age, surrounded by insincere yet appreciative friends.
James Joyce:
Harry and the mnixess't ol' doley Voldey mort mneander down the prix-brillig toe path realizing twas nearly hunnerds of years ago that me'am starts death the eaters yet hearty hardy harry twissts thizductiously and then once and fatefull'n'all his eyes by chance glance and his mouth a-mutterin do do you love me and Voldemort looks and yes and I and yes and so happy and yes and he loves me
Jack Kerouac:
Harry can either fight Voldemort to the death or sacrifice himself to save his friends. He decides he doesn't like either option, and hits the road with Ron, looking for something better. They hitchhike, drive, and have several adventures in sex and booze. Harry lives through a series of events that are not particularly dramatic, but he views them with enough angst and wonder to make them interesting. A generation identifies with his unfulfilled outlook and the Beat generation is born.
Tom Woolf (Bonfire Of The Vanities):He's magic man! The real deal, Harry is, and he'll blow your mind and shake your soul until the whole precepts you've built your life around crumble like the Walls of Jericho and all you can see is the LIME:::LIGHT:::and it sparkles Harry's eyes and he doesn't see Voldemort's shiny spell flying at him until its too late and Harry's on the ground and the Universe is rebuilding itself around him and all he can think about is the bridge of stars climbing up, up, up from his chest into the Holy Night Sky.
Hunter S. Thompson:
Journalist Raoul Duke and his Mexican sidekick Doctor Gonzo are on had to witness and report on the wizard's duel of the century for the Daily Prophet, but Duke is far more interested in describing the cornucopia of uppers, downers, narcs, bennies, powders and pills he's got in his pockets. In an ether induced haze the two stumble in between Harry and Voldemort, shout incoherently, vomit on Prof. McGonagall's feet, and briefly reminisce about the end of the 60s. Finally Gonzo swears Hermoine is in love with him, pulls out a knife, and they both pass out. Duke later writes the story from his point of view for Rolling Stone magazine.
Warren Ellis (Transmetropolitan):
Harry pulls out his bowel disruptor and sets it to "projectile diarrhea". Voldemort is hit and sprays poop all over the Death Eater's, lingering for several seconds on Draco Malfoy. Suddenly Col. Dirk Anger, the mastermind who has been pulling Voldemort's strings the entire time, emerges from the shadows. He promptly commits suicide in the most impossible and hilarious way imaginable. Hermoine has magical breast enhancement surgery and fucks the shit out of Ron, who unfortunately can't get off without a picture of Godzilla and a sack full of saline. Hagrid reveals his lust for magical creatures in a series of successful direct-to-Internet pornos.
William S. Burroughs:
The shoots have grown to remarkable heights. The constipated junkie examines the long red needle protruding from the ghastly wound in his arm. Neck flaps and lollygaggers walk through the shadowed marble valleys and the old weary centipedes. The Boy looks through his glasses for the last time as he stumbles mindlessly through the dark to the halls of white flowers and florescent memories.
J.J.Abrams (Lost):
Harry and Voldemort face off, about to fight ...
FLASHBACK - Voldemort is a child, being told by an unidentified parent figure that he has a destiny to fulfill. It is revealed that Voldemort, due to the aftermath of the Final Battle, has been flitting through different time periods and is in fact his own father.
FLASHFORWARD - Harry is seen, 20 years after defeating Voldemort, in an isolated environment. He has to press a button every 108 minute to prevent the paradox of Voldemort being his own father from destroying the space-time continuim.
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