Some Poles Outraged Madonna To Perform On Holy Day - Any day that Madonna shakes her gristle is sacrilegious. And for the record, the other Polish thought that it was the real Madonna, so they weren't offended.Taylor Says He Allowed Human Skulls At Roadblocks - Do you want a roadblock or a roadpossibleaccess? If you see human skulls, you bet your ass you're going to go a different direction. Though using them at the farmer's market and for parking lots is not such a good idea...
Man Jailed For Not Supporting Someone Else's Child - Just another classic case of man raises child out of wedlock, man takes two DNA tests disproving paternity, and judge still makes him pay child support, then throws him in jail.
Gay Penguins Split After 1 Goes Straight - In his defense, it was just a fun thing while he was in college. And he was drinking and listening to a lot of house music at the time.
Wedding Bouquet Launch Brings Down Italian Plane - How big was that bunch of flowers? If it doesn't fit in your hand, it's too much. Unless you're talking about later that night in the honeymoon suite.
VA. Paper Expresses Regret For Backing Segregation - Nothing says "I'm sorry" better than an apology 50 years too late. They also asked for pardon on backing the Confederates, favoring British rule in the colonies, and looking forward to the Spanish Inquisition.
Winehouse, Husband Granted Divorce - Not so strange when you know that the thing Blake Civil-Fielder looked forward to more than freedom from jail was freedom from that harpy. In fact, that may have been the reason he went there in the first place.
Giant Mystery Blob Moves Through Alaskan Waters - Are we now following Chastity Bono and her vacation plans?
JPMorgan 2Q Profit Jumps 36 Pct, Topping Forecasts / Chase's Q2 Earnings Beat Expectations - Quick math news flash...any positive number is greater than zero. To quote Tarantino out of context about this new economic development, "Let's not go start sucking each other's dicks quite yet".
TripAdvisor Warns Of Hotels Posting Fake Reviews - I'm shocked to find out that Motel6ManagerFL may have been making biased, false reviews. Can I even trust Turan3483 and his opinion now?
Favre Admits He's 'Running Out Of Time' - And we're all running out of patience. This is worse than a political campaign or gymnastics meet with all the flip-flopping. You play for the Vikings and you're dead to Scarlett.
The Squirrel With A Yogurt Cup On Its Head - Okay, it's not a news story, but sometimes you have to break things up...
Mom Of Twins At 66 Dies Three Years Later - So what if a single woman went to a fertility doctor and there were unscrupulous actions taken. Those kids will be fine. Has anything bad ever happened to orphan children?
Teen Leaves Kitten in Oven, Taunts Animal Activists - The biggest surprise to me was that the story came out of New York and not Florida. But it may be legal in the panhandle to eat cat if they're considered critters. For sure they're not varmints.
NASA Refurbishes Video Copies Of Moon Landing - Yeah, refurbishing. Refurbishing the sound stage and wires and out of the shot.
Bedbugs Cause Cancellation of University's Sofa Swap - Oh, the joys of a college where furniture lice are the biggest transmittable concern. Let's hope they spray them down so that bongwater spills and piss stains can be the only marring defects they have.
Twitter Hacked By Old Technique — Again - And by old technique I think they mean "got somebody's password". For the sake of argument, what's the worst somebody could do? Ask who's excited about seeing Public Enemies? Tell people you ate a really good sandwich? Twitter is for self-important idiots.
Three "Killer" Cougars Killed Near Canadian Town - This is a real shame, because hot, killer looking older women are really not as common as people think. They are an endangered species and should be protected. Please donate to the Famous M Old Bitches Preserve, so that I can have a
NASCAR: Mayfield Again Tests Positive For Meth - Can you get a contact high from being around NASCAR fans? This goes back to a point I've made several times - if you can perform at a certain competitive level and do so high or after being high, what's the problem? They should get extra points for using non-performance enhancing drugs. Some will claim a stoned driver creates a dangerous situation, but its fucking NASCAR - they drive in a circle, and the only interesting thing is the crashes.
'Potter' Fans Form Real 'Dumbledore's Army' - Rally behind your dead fictional character! Their first battle? Being taken seriously. After they lose that, perhaps they'll work on more manageable goals, like defeating their poor hygiene, or vanquishing their virginity.
Gap Between Scientists, Public Widens - There ought to be no surprise that this is inversely proportional to narrowing gap between people and bibles. Like Republicans who disapprove of stem cell research, those too not feeling science should not enjoy it's benefits.
Google Earth Leads Man To 'Buried Treasure' - You can do it too! Just google "clam digger" and watch the magic treasure map appear on your screen. While the website helped him find the treasure, it was still the voice in his head that made him search in the first place.
Man Must Choose Between Selling Kidney Or Child - Sell the kid! You need your kidney and you can always make another kid. No, sell the kid's kidney! Isn't it great to know a country like Pakistan not only has nuclear weaponry, but also very specialized debt recovery ideas?
Shakira: 'I Really Want To Reproduce' - What exactly? Another shitty, generic Latin-flavored pop album. The success of other more talented performers? If you're talking about children, then maybe the answer is no. Because if you can't say you want to have kids instead of the clinical term reproduce, then you don't get to have any darling bundles of tax write-off. You're lacking the gene for caring and parental compassion.
Many Can Cope With News Of Higher Alzheimer's Risk - Mostly because they forget after a while.
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