Return To Shit Mountain

After the awesome train-wreck of a video I realized that there was so much more to hate about Attack Attack!

Wikipedia tells me that "Someday Came Suddenly" is the first studio release album from post-hardcore (is that the genre name for shitty?) band Attack Attack! - though they are using the the term "studio release" about as liberally as possible. Half of the album's tracks are actually remastered (which means re-engineered, not re-recorded) songs from their EP "If Guns Are Outlawed, Can We Use Swords?".

The barely 30 minute "album" is only 12 tracks, nine of them are full songs (and by full I mean 2 ½ to 3 ½ minutes) , plus an intro, outro, and interlude, which is originally from one of the guy's side projects. And to punish myself while protecting you, I will listen to their masterpiece of shit, only because even adolescents I've asked, who are clearly the target audience, refuse to go anywhere near that crap.

Track 1 - "Hot Grills and High Tops": There's nothing more that emo kids like than some crunk-y beats and keyboards! Shout out to your club dance music side project! This basically undoes the groundbreaking work of Anthrax with Public Enemy in rock and hip-hop.

Track 2 - "Stick Stickly": Yes, this was titled in reference to the late 1990's Nickelodeon summer block show of the same name. When these guys were all 11. Go back and watch the video if you hate yourself.

Track 3 - "Bro, Ashley's Here": Did you think they weren't going to do more songs with screaming, cuts between nu-metal beats and pop-punk, vocoded vocals, and cheesy synths? Possibly the worst name of a song. Ever.

Track 4 - "Shred, White & Blue": Ever see a YouTube clip of somebody playing Guitar Hero and you're thinking "How could somebody have written such a horrible song yet still get onto a major video game? What is this garbage and where did it come from?" Well, now I'm pretty sure it's bands like this who are responsible.

Track 5 - "Party Foul": I'm going to say music foul. The best thing so far was the opening track, and that's only because it was the shortest.

Track 6 - "What Happens If I Can't Check My MySpace When We Get There?": Okay, this is the worst name of a song. Ever. If those words ever come out of your mouth, just keep it open and put a shotgun in.

Track 7 - "Interlude": If listening to this music didn't make you gay enough, this out-of-the-blue techno club track will push you over the edge. While it's a break from the last five identical sounding songs, it's still a huge turd.

Track 8 - "The People's Elbow": The signature move by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson finally gets it's own song...that has nothing to do with it. Unless he wrestled and was heard saying "Always thought that you would be the one, but baby just give me a chance". Nah, didn't think so either.

Track 9 - "Kickin' Wing, Animal Doctor": The name was borrowed from the nickname used in the movie Joe Dirt for the Native American firework salesman. Joe Dirt called and said now they don't want it back. There is an excellent chance that when they were putting the titles of the songs on the album for printing, they just wrote down whatever they saw or heard around them.

Track 10 - "Dr. Shavargo Pt.3": Somehow, this is an indirect reference to the movie Dr. Zhivago, which I guarantee none of the band members have seen. If only we heard parts 1 and 2 to get the full scope of what they're trying to do...

Track 11 - "Catfish Soup": I would rather eat a cold bowl of catpiss soup than have to listen to any more of this.

Track 12 - "Outro": This must be what it feels like when criminals get out of prison...and I too promise I'm never going back.

Verdict: Destroy Columbus, Ohio, where the band came from. Burn their fields, raze their buildings, enslave the children, and kill everyone. Sorry, but you fuckers allowed this aural abortion to come together right under your noses and didn't snuff it out when you had the chance. Thanks (for nothing), you assholes.