Big, busy end-of-month at work, and though there's some HW-NM coming up, it feels like just getting to the weekend is the accomplishment. Sitewise, bestiality and baby eating may have come up this week, but that's really just a small sampling of what's happened in the world at large. Like babies being stolen...before they're born. And beyond mayhem, there's photographic proof that monsters walk among us. Is this the dawn of the zombie apocalypse? Even science has let us down, and we're finding out that accomplishments are really not anything at all. It will be nice to take a few days and pay no attention to everything. Or anything. But first...
The best of the week: Michael Schumacher races for Ferrari!
Sensationally, Michael Schumacher is coming out of retirement to race for his former team Ferrari in the absence of the injured Felipe Massa. The seven-time world champion and winningest driver in F1 history (as well as the first billionaire athlete) has not driven competitively since the season-ending Brazilian Grand Prix in October 2006. But Schumacher, who won five of his titles with Ferrari and who has been acting as an advisor to the team of late, will race in the European Grand Prix in Valencia on August 23.
"Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro intends to put Michael Schumacher in Felipe Massa's car until the Brazilian driver will be able to race again," Ferrari confirmed in a statement. "Michael Schumacher said he is ready and, over the next few days, will undertake a specific training program at the end of which confirmation will be given of his participation in the championship with effect from the European Grand Prix on the 23rd of August."
Schumacher will first have to undergo rigorous training as he is understood to still be recovering from neck and back injuries sustained in a motorbike test in February. As the oldest driver (40) and being off the circuit for the last few years, it will be interesting if the sport's best can return to compete with his younger counterparts, or if the comeback will fall flat (we're looking at you, Lance).
Speaking on his official website, Schumacher said: "The most important thing first: thank God, all news concerning Felipe is positive, and I wish him all the best again. This afternoon I met with (team principal) Stefano Domenicali and (president) Luca di Montezemolo and together we decided that I will prepare myself to take the place of Felipe. Though it is true the Formula One chapter has been closed for me for some time, it is also true that for loyalty reasons to the team I cannot ignore this unfortunate situation. But as the competitor I am, I also very much look forward to facing this challenge."
As far as sports goes, this has been an incredibly dramatic and controversial year for F1. The addition of Brawn GP. The out-of-the-blue dominance of Jensen Button. The debate over new diffuser design and their potential illegality. Hamilton-gate and resignations at McLaren over race orders. The development cap battle and potential civil war with breakaway constructors. The firing of Max Mosley. It's like every week something crazy happens. And considering constructor BMW just announced they are dropping out after this year, the season continues to get crazier.
The worst of the week: Yahoo! news page sidebars
I'm supposed to laud them for finally getting their shit together to partner with the retardedly named Bing! and Microsoft, but it's the nonsense that's one their news page that I see that irk the fuck out of me.
I love Yahoo! news site, but many times a day there's a new, inane sidebar "headline" from Yahoo! owned OMG!, which you already know I hate.
Take this double dose of Jessica Simpson's double Ds...not only will they bombard you with non-news, but they negate it immediately after.
Her family is worried? Which ones? The better-looking, more lively career-competitive sister? Her issue is keeping her fag husband from stealing her eyeliner and dealing with a kid who'll end up hating her for his dumbass name. Her mother? Does Jessica Simpson even have a mother? You wouldn't know since she's the only family member not trying to claw their way of of the shadows into the spotlight. And then there's papa Joe, who is a scumbag of the highest degree. The shameless, flagrant, and downright un-parentlike behavior in cranking the handle on his cash register with tits is despicable.
Look at the facts - she got dumped by a football player in an IHOP parking lot. Big fucking deal. She's already been divorced. What are they concerned she's going to do? Explode? She'll be sad and then get over it. It wasn't the great love story of our time. Shit, it wasn't even the greatest love story of the Texas Republic. Clearly, the break-up is going well, since her porky buns got out to the gym, since her weight gain over the last year garnered more press than her lack of talent, and that says a lot. Maybe they were worried she was going to work out without properly stretching. Or not drink enough water to stay hydrated. Or that she forgot a workout towel. Or her iPod would drop off the eliptical machine.
Then there's Dean Sheremet. You know, Dean Sheremet! No? Well, he's Dean Sheremet, and he, uh...according to Wikipedia - wait, he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page? I can't believe somebody who doesn't even get mention on the people's digital encyclopedia along side with the Wisden Cricketers of the Year or 243 Ida deserves that level of attention with multiple headline grabs.
Turns out Sheremet was the original K-Fed. Well, he didn't pop a few seeds into his lady and then move on to the next (and the next). But he was the template for getting a dick-grip on the pop starlet money train. Back in 2001 he was just Dean Sheremet, back up dancer. But with the powerful electric slide and robust tush push, he charmed LeAnn Rimes into matrimony. Well played you one-trick pony.
So after the seven-year itch allegedly reared it's typical head, the unhappy couple split. And the best way to deal with the grief and really examine with one's feelings is to do the most useless, narcissistic activity - twatting. Now everyone can rest easy, or easier now that we have an update on Dean and this time, which is in his own words a "difficult time". And in case you missed it the first time they have to give you a little more and reveal these times are "very difficult". It was a real cliffhanger in their reporting between the two headlines, and I'm glad there was enough information overall to give we, the readers, that piece of mind we needed for Dean Sheremet.
Later, we saw a female perspective from LeAnn, who felt like a concert in front of Mormons was the best place to open up about her marital issues. As long as you already knew the whole story. Though if you did you wouldn't need updates on it. Nowadays, electronic ink is at a premium, so it can't be wasted adding any critial information that may make the story clearer. Like saying "marital split" or "split with Sheremet" so you know she was married or who to. No, they need the space to tell you about some barely 15-minuter who's brush with fame's exhaust ended in a brush with car exhaust
There have been somewhere between 840 and 7620 contestants on American Idol when you take the widest possible stance on what being a contestant is, which as far as OMG! is concerned is that there's a frame of them on television. Alexis Cohen, as if you'd recognize the name, "famously" ranted against Snidely Whiplash Simon Cowell. Yeah, who hasn't told him off after he called you out for sucking. I'm glad Cohen got run down. All those has-beens and never-weres ought to be set up like traffic pylons on the side of the road before a team of student drivers hit the streets. If it was Cowell who was somehow behind the wheel, I would not press charges. It would be the first redemptive thing he's done.
The most amazingly, non-important rambling is the comment made by the Skeletor, the Chihuahua Faced Man, who crawled out from under the butt of the original Assy Pig Tank to buy a sliver of the Miami Dolphins. But while that may be the launching point, it's the lack of substance that really shines through. It's hard to know where to swing the fist of blame here. With one hand, there's a wallop coming for Skeletor who's bravado and parental bragging is bold enough to say that his goddamn one-year-old actually has a shot as a pro football player. The other flying fist is aimed at OMG! for daring to repeat such an idiotic statement.
The best of the week: Michael Schumacher races for Ferrari!
Sensationally, Michael Schumacher is coming out of retirement to race for his former team Ferrari in the absence of the injured Felipe Massa. The seven-time world champion and winningest driver in F1 history (as well as the first billionaire athlete) has not driven competitively since the season-ending Brazilian Grand Prix in October 2006. But Schumacher, who won five of his titles with Ferrari and who has been acting as an advisor to the team of late, will race in the European Grand Prix in Valencia on August 23."Scuderia Ferrari Marlboro intends to put Michael Schumacher in Felipe Massa's car until the Brazilian driver will be able to race again," Ferrari confirmed in a statement. "Michael Schumacher said he is ready and, over the next few days, will undertake a specific training program at the end of which confirmation will be given of his participation in the championship with effect from the European Grand Prix on the 23rd of August."
Schumacher will first have to undergo rigorous training as he is understood to still be recovering from neck and back injuries sustained in a motorbike test in February. As the oldest driver (40) and being off the circuit for the last few years, it will be interesting if the sport's best can return to compete with his younger counterparts, or if the comeback will fall flat (we're looking at you, Lance).
Speaking on his official website, Schumacher said: "The most important thing first: thank God, all news concerning Felipe is positive, and I wish him all the best again. This afternoon I met with (team principal) Stefano Domenicali and (president) Luca di Montezemolo and together we decided that I will prepare myself to take the place of Felipe. Though it is true the Formula One chapter has been closed for me for some time, it is also true that for loyalty reasons to the team I cannot ignore this unfortunate situation. But as the competitor I am, I also very much look forward to facing this challenge."
As far as sports goes, this has been an incredibly dramatic and controversial year for F1. The addition of Brawn GP. The out-of-the-blue dominance of Jensen Button. The debate over new diffuser design and their potential illegality. Hamilton-gate and resignations at McLaren over race orders. The development cap battle and potential civil war with breakaway constructors. The firing of Max Mosley. It's like every week something crazy happens. And considering constructor BMW just announced they are dropping out after this year, the season continues to get crazier.
The worst of the week: Yahoo! news page sidebars
I'm supposed to laud them for finally getting their shit together to partner with the retardedly named Bing! and Microsoft, but it's the nonsense that's one their news page that I see that irk the fuck out of me.
I love Yahoo! news site, but many times a day there's a new, inane sidebar "headline" from Yahoo! owned OMG!, which you already know I hate.
Take this double dose of Jessica Simpson's double Ds...not only will they bombard you with non-news, but they negate it immediately after.Her family is worried? Which ones? The better-looking, more lively career-competitive sister? Her issue is keeping her fag husband from stealing her eyeliner and dealing with a kid who'll end up hating her for his dumbass name. Her mother? Does Jessica Simpson even have a mother? You wouldn't know since she's the only family member not trying to claw their way of of the shadows into the spotlight. And then there's papa Joe, who is a scumbag of the highest degree. The shameless, flagrant, and downright un-parentlike behavior in cranking the handle on his cash register with tits is despicable.
Look at the facts - she got dumped by a football player in an IHOP parking lot. Big fucking deal. She's already been divorced. What are they concerned she's going to do? Explode? She'll be sad and then get over it. It wasn't the great love story of our time. Shit, it wasn't even the greatest love story of the Texas Republic. Clearly, the break-up is going well, since her porky buns got out to the gym, since her weight gain over the last year garnered more press than her lack of talent, and that says a lot. Maybe they were worried she was going to work out without properly stretching. Or not drink enough water to stay hydrated. Or that she forgot a workout towel. Or her iPod would drop off the eliptical machine.
Then there's Dean Sheremet. You know, Dean Sheremet! No? Well, he's Dean Sheremet, and he, uh...according to Wikipedia - wait, he doesn't even have a Wikipedia page? I can't believe somebody who doesn't even get mention on the people's digital encyclopedia along side with the Wisden Cricketers of the Year or 243 Ida deserves that level of attention with multiple headline grabs.Turns out Sheremet was the original K-Fed. Well, he didn't pop a few seeds into his lady and then move on to the next (and the next). But he was the template for getting a dick-grip on the pop starlet money train. Back in 2001 he was just Dean Sheremet, back up dancer. But with the powerful electric slide and robust tush push, he charmed LeAnn Rimes into matrimony. Well played you one-trick pony.
So after the seven-year itch allegedly reared it's typical head, the unhappy couple split. And the best way to deal with the grief and really examine with one's feelings is to do the most useless, narcissistic activity - twatting. Now everyone can rest easy, or easier now that we have an update on Dean and this time, which is in his own words a "difficult time". And in case you missed it the first time they have to give you a little more and reveal these times are "very difficult". It was a real cliffhanger in their reporting between the two headlines, and I'm glad there was enough information overall to give we, the readers, that piece of mind we needed for Dean Sheremet.
Later, we saw a female perspective from LeAnn, who felt like a concert in front of Mormons was the best place to open up about her marital issues. As long as you already knew the whole story. Though if you did you wouldn't need updates on it. Nowadays, electronic ink is at a premium, so it can't be wasted adding any critial information that may make the story clearer. Like saying "marital split" or "split with Sheremet" so you know she was married or who to. No, they need the space to tell you about some barely 15-minuter who's brush with fame's exhaust ended in a brush with car exhaust
There have been somewhere between 840 and 7620 contestants on American Idol when you take the widest possible stance on what being a contestant is, which as far as OMG! is concerned is that there's a frame of them on television. Alexis Cohen, as if you'd recognize the name, "famously" ranted against The most amazingly, non-important rambling is the comment made by the Skeletor, the Chihuahua Faced Man, who crawled out from under the butt of the original Assy Pig Tank to buy a sliver of the Miami Dolphins. But while that may be the launching point, it's the lack of substance that really shines through. It's hard to know where to swing the fist of blame here. With one hand, there's a wallop coming for Skeletor who's bravado and parental bragging is bold enough to say that his goddamn one-year-old actually has a shot as a pro football player. The other flying fist is aimed at OMG! for daring to repeat such an idiotic statement.
Unless the kid is running 5-second 40's or weighs 220, shut the fuck up. The kid still craps his pants and you're going to tell me he's already cut out for pro play? The only shot he has of playing ball is is his father owned the team outright, and even then I doubt it. I will take any bet, of any size, that the kid never plays pro. I'll even say he doesn't play college ball. It's my new long, long term investment strategy.
And let's not even get started on their "advertorial" nonsense:
And let's not even get started on their "advertorial" nonsense:
A strong middle finger, directly at you Yahoo!
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