Friday, January 30, 2009

Some Game This Weekend

I don't care for sports outside the hockey realm, but I have to do my American duty and watch the Super Bowl. It pleases me to know that the host city Tampa has more strip clubs than high schools and hospitals. Fortunately, there are an equal number of McDonalds. And to help you enjoy the big game, here's some tips on what to do, and what not to...

superbowl-header

DO: BUY YOURSELF A SIX-PACK
DON’T:SHOW OFF YOUR 2-PACK

DO: LAUGH AT ALL OF THE FUNNY COMMERCIALS
DON’T: LAUGH AT YOUR BROTHER’S HANDICAPPED DATE

DO: ADMIRE THE BUD CLYDESDALES
DON’T: BRING UP CHRISTOPHER REEVE

DO: WATCH THE HALFTIME SHOW
DON’T: PULL DOWN YOUR PANTS AND SCREAM “WARDROBE MALFUNCTION”

DO: WEAR YOUR TEAM’S JERSEY
DON’T: WEAR YOUR MOM’S OLD WIG

DO: CHEER AT THE KICK-OFF
DON’T: CHEER WHEN YOUR FRIEND SAYS HE GOT LAID OFF

Obey The Coke Badger


This clip is from It’s All Gone Pete Tong. You owe it to yourself to watch at least until the 50-second mark when the Coke Badger shows up. That’s right, the Coke Badger. You’re welcome.

Motor City, U.S.A.

The photo here is from the elevator shaft of an abandoned warehouse in Detroit. And yes, that’s an actual dead man encased in 2-3 feet of ice. It was discovered when “urban explorers” were playing ice hockey in the basement. Get ready for the most macabre and depressing story of urban decay you’ll read this week.

[The man who found the body] is an urban explorer who gets thrills rummaging through and photographing the ruins of Detroit. It turns out that this explorer last week was playing hockey with a group of other explorers on the frozen waters that had collected in the basement of the building. None of the men called the police, the explorer said. They, in fact, continued their hockey game.

Well, it’s not like stopping the hockey game is gonna bring him back to life now, is it? What’s the rush? I don’t want to sound callous, but it’s not like he’s at the top of the triage list.

A colony of homeless men live in the warehouse. Wednesday morning a few fires were burning inside oil drums. Scott Ruben, 38, huddled under filthy blankets not 20 paces from the elevator shaft.

“Yeah, I seen him,” Ruben said. The snow outside howled. The heat from the can warped the landscape of rotting buildings and razor wire.

Did he know who the dead person was?

“I don’t recognize him from his shoes.”

Well played. For a hobo.

[Ruben's] shack mate, Kenneth Williams, 47, returned at that point with an armload of wood.

“Yeah, he’s been down there since last month at least.”
He was asked if he called the police.

“No, I thought it was a dummy myself,” he said unconvincingly. Besides, Williams said, there were more pressing issues like keeping warm and finding something to eat.

“You got a couple bucks?” he asked.

After snapping photos and carefully interviewing all the vagrants and demanding to know why they didn’t call the police right away, the reporter finally gets the authorities involved.

“Where’s this building?” [asked the 911 operator.]

It was explained to him, as was the elevator shaft and the tomb of ice.

“Bring a jack-hammer,” this reporter suggested.

“That’s what we do,” he said.

All right. Good times. Detroit Board of Tourism, go ahead and take the day off.

Insult To Injury

You haven’t been depressed until you’ve seen 900 words in the L.A. Times dedicated to Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Most of them explain why it’s performed so unexpectedly well at the box office (I could explain that in two words: no competition), but the last two paragraphs reveal some news about the principals’ upcoming plans:
What’s less clear is when Paul Blart might save the day again. James has been developing the comedy “Zookeeper” at MGM and may soon costar in a new Sandler comedy for Sony.“Happy Madison historically has been very reluctant to do sequels,” says a hopeful [producer Doug] Belgrad. “But we believe there is an opportunity to make another Paul Blart movie.”
Oh boy, Paul Blart: Zookeeper. I wonder if he’ll try really hard to feed the animals but then mess it up because he’s fat. That would be really funny. Heck, we could just make this into a series like those tween movies the Olsen twins got rich off. Paul Blart: Truckdriver. Paul Blart: Chiropractor. Paul Blart: Bricklayer. They’ll all be about a fat guy falling down, but in each one he’ll wear a new outfit. Ooh, I smell action figures!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Nobody's Got Shampoo

An amazing and awesome shred video where the guy made up words to what it looked like Kiss was saying.

Sexology

Sexology, or the study of human sexuality, is a science at the nexus of biology, neurology, psychology and sociology. I had no idea it existed, but after some research, I found out a good amount. And like any science, sexology has its eureka moments. Here are some of the biggest, roughly in chronological order.

Non-procreative sexual behavior is common

In 1886, a psychiatrist named
Richard von Krafft-Ebing revolutionized the discipline of sexology by publishing his exhaustively researched tome Psychopathia Sexualis. He'd documented every case he could find of what he called "sexual perversity," including those he'd encountered first-hand among his patients. He defined sexual perversity as pretty much anything that deviated from procreative, heterosexual sex, and put each perversion into its own special category. Though he intended to document perversity, the book had the opposite effect: Many doctors and ordinary people read it and realized that many kinds of "perversity" were so common that they were almost normal. The (relatively) unbiased reporting and taxonomic structure of Krafft-Ebing's book inspired countless other early-twentieth-century researchers, including Sigmund Freud, Magnus Hirschfeld, and Alfred Kinsey. Though published over a century ago, Psychopathia still has the power to shock.

Bisexuality exists

Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychiatry, is famous for remarking that everyone is bisexual. His idea was remarkable for two reasons. One, it acknowledged that there was a middle position between gay and straight (a relatively rare belief among doctors); and two, it paved the way for a more nuanced understanding of how sexuality exists on a continuum rather than as a binary system. Jumping off from Freud's idea, infamous twentieth century sex researcher Alfred Kinsey created what has come to be known as the Kinsey Scale for sexual orientation. On that scale, 0 is completely heterosexual and 6 is completely homosexual. Kinsey and his colleagues did decades of in-depth research to determine that most people fall somewhere in the middle of the scale. You can see their research in Kinsey's most famous works: Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female. All research was based on thousands of anonymous interviews conducted all over the United States.

Medical science can transform men into women, and vice versa

Throughout recorded history, there have been women who lived as men and vice versa. Many cultures even have the idea of a "third sex," often a shamanistic role, which is for people who are neither male nor female. But it wasn't until 1930 that the first sex change operation was performed on a famous Dutch artist named Einar Wegener, who emerged as the woman Lili Elbe. Unfortunately, the operation was crude - it involved implanting ovaries - and she eventually sickened and died (you can read her intriguing memoirs about her transition). The first successful male-to-female sex change operation was performed in Denmark in 1952, and its recipient, Christine Jorgensen, became an international celebrity. Since then, thousands of people have had successful sex reassignment surgeries, moving from female to male and male to female with the assistance of medical science.

Women have orgasms

The female orgasm has been "discovered" several times over the past 130 years. In the nineteenth century, doctors used vibrators to help relieve women of "hysteria." though almost no medical accounts from the time acknowledge that this therapy was basically masturbation. The Victorian Era had given rise to the myth that women didn't have orgasms, and many medical researchers adopted this idea as truth because it was impossible to prove that women were orgasming the way you could prove men were. Though anecdotal reports and throughout the twentieth century indicated women could orgasm the way men could, it wasn't until the experiments of sexologists William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the late 1950s that the female orgasm was finally proven to exist in a scientific manner. Masters and Johnson observed women in the process of orgasming while monitoring everything from blood flow to muscle spasms in their vaginas. (Yes, they actually inserted a dildo-shaped measuring device into the women's vaginas to do their research.) After Masters and Johnson published their research in 1966, several other researchers investigated women's sexual response cycle, quickly discovering the G-spot, female ejaculation, and even looking at orgasming women in MRI machines (the picture of that at the top of this post). Recent research into female orgasm has focused on the neurochemistry of women's brains while they are aroused.

Pregnancy can be prevented with a pill

In 1960, the birth control pill debuted on the market as a contraceptive for women. In the late 50s it had been prescribed to women who suffered extreme menstrual cramps. But in the early 60s the pharmaceutical known as "the Pill" became not just a sexology discovery but shorthand for a sexual revolution that had more to do with culture than science. Freed from cumbersome birth control devices like condoms that depended on male cooperation, women could suddenly have sex without the constant worry that they would become pregnant. Many historians have argued that the Pill helped start a new wave of feminist consciousness. The Pill is an excellent example of how a scientific discovery can have widespread, unintended social consequences.

Homosexuality is not a disease

In 1973, homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-II). That meant that after decades of debate, the professional psychiatric community would no longer treat homosexuality as a disease. Certainly an unhappy homosexual might be viewed as neurotic, but a happy, well-adjusted gay person would be given a clean bill of health. Many sexologists had been arguing for decades that homosexuality was not a disease, most notably the openly gay psychiatrist Magnus Hirshfeld, who founded the
Berlin Institute for Sexology (which was later burned down by the Nazis). But the removal of homosexuality from the DSM made it official: Licensed doctors now agreed that gayness on its own was not an illness.

Many kinds of male impotence can be cured with a pill

In 1998, men got their own version of the Pill. A chemical called sildenafil citrate came to market under the name Viagra. Sildenafil works by relaxing muscle tissues, allowing more blood to flow into the penis. Just as the Pill liberated women from fears of pregnancy, Viagra liberated many men from fears of impotence. While sildenafil didn't set off a cultural revolution, it did represent a major scientific breakthrough - and has helped researchers understand male sexuality better. Viagra and similar drugs like cialis are among the bestselling "lifestyle pharmaceuticals" of all time, raking over 1.5 billion dollars per year.

Orgasms can be caused via direct neural stimulation of the spinal cord

In 1998, the same year Viagra hit the market, Dr. Stuart Meloy made a strange discovery while operating on a woman's spinal cord. He was stimulating her nerves in order to locate the source of her back pain, and when he hit one particular nerve he gave her an instant orgasm. "You should teach my husband to do that," she told him. Meloy went on to patent a spinal implant device, which he hopes to market as a cure for female sexual dysfunction (i.e., an inability to have orgasms). He's in the process of testing the device now, and is actively seeking volunteers - female and male - so that he can perfect the device and bring it to market. Once he's got a version of the device that people can use easily, you can expect a sexual revolution that will make the Pill look like a walk in the park.

Women ovulate more than once per month

In 2003, a researcher named Roger Pierson at the University of Saskatchewan overturned the almost century-old scientific belief that women ovulate once a month. He and his team used simple ultrasound scans on 63 women with normal menstrual cycles, and
discovered that a significant number of them ovulated 2 or 3 times per month. Their finding could have a significant impact on how we understand female hormonal cycles and fertility.

Yoga? Yoda?

Like contorting your body to strengthen and tone, but feel there's not enough geekery? Enter Star Wars Yoga.


Dear Mr. Lucas,

It has come to our attention here at LucasFilm that the Star Wars Brand has recently suffered in popularity. Forgetting for a moment the bizarre animated film recently released, Star Wars merchandise sales have hit an all time low. It is time for a dramatic rethinking of not only the SW brand itself, but also it's target audience. For too long we have tried to sell action figures and lunch boxes to overweight "geeks" and "nerds". This market has and will continue to be loyal, but we believe they are also saturated.

We propose a new marketing strategy and target: the 30-something, health conscious consumer who probably owns an Apple laptop and is trying to live "green". In this effort, we would like to initiate a line of Star Wars Branded Yoga. Attached you will find a design and concept study.

People who participate in yoga are one of the most cash-rich demographics in this country currently. (The other large cash-rich group is people who watch golf - perhaps a Star Wars themed course? Just an idea.) We believe that if we can sell them on the idea that their yoga can be enhanced by the Star Wars brand, we will definitely have tapped a deep chakra of money.

Any thoughts? We will continue to brainstorm and create new poses based on the Star Wars Universe.

Thanks George,
Steve Jones, Senior VP
LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy

I Guess It Ain't Happening

Looks like Mickey let his tongue get away from him...too bad.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Hypocritcal Oath

"Cello scrotum," a nasty ailment allegedly suffered by musicians, does not exist and the condition was just a hoax, a doctor has admitted. Great, so much for that insurance claim!

Back in 1974, in a letter to the British Medical Journal, Elaine Murphy reported that cellists suffered from the painful complaint caused by their instrument repeatedly rubbing against their body. The claim had been inspired by reports in the BMJ about the alleged condition guitar nipple, caused by irritation when the guitar was pressed against the chest. But Murphy, now a Baroness and a former Professor of Psychiatry of Old Age at Guy's Hospital in London, has admitted her supposed medical complaint was a spoof. Spoof? Of what? Methinks these limeys do not know their terminology or their medicine.

"Perhaps after 34 years it's time for us to confess we invented cello scrotum," she wrote with her husband John, who had signed the original letter, which was published in the BMJ on Wednesday. "Anyone who has ever watched a cello being played would realise the physical impossibility of our claim." Murphy, who said the couple had been "dining out" on their story ever since they made it up, said they had decided to reveal the hoax after it was referred to in a recent BMJ article on health problems associated with making music. She also said she suspected "guitar nipple" had been a joke.

Poor Baby

Commercial icon and habitual day-trader The E-Trade Baby, 6 months, was found dead last night in an apparent suicide, according to the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner’s office.

Officials are refusing to comment during the initial investigation, but I've managed to obtain a copy of the suicide note which indicates the Baby was unable to cope with losses he sustained in the recent financial downturn.


As the police search for answers in this highly publicized death, pressure is mounting on government officials to take action.

“We realize this tragedy may cause a public outcry demanding we ban infants from day trading,” said Maxwell Harris of the Securities and Exchange Commission. “But the fact is infants are historically aggressive buyers, and without them we would probably see the Dow around 5,000 right now, so lets not throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak.”

Added Harris, “It’s not as if they don’t have time to rebound before retirement.”

E-Trade has yet to issue a statement to the press, but an executive who wished to remain anonymous said the company does not take dead babies lightly, unlike rivals Scottrade and TD Ameritrade, who “live for that shit.”

It's Just A Game

In honor of the Super Bowl this weekend, there's going to be some sad bitches depending on who wins...and knowing there could be other videos like this, we all win.

Ryden vs Nagi Noda

Although the fashion line was released a while back, only recently have the amazing ads for “Broken Label” - a collaboration between Mark Ryden and the late Japanese designer Nagi Noda turned up. This line was sold through Colette in Paris and featured Ryden’s supercool imagery. Apparently, the dresses were one of Noda’s favorites and she must have known her time had come because she was said to have died (last September) wearing her “Mark Ryden dress, Chanel boots, and perfect make-up with Viktor & Rolf lace black eye lashes.”





Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Wrasle!

All aboard the express train to Awesometown, because Mickey Rourke is going to wrestle at Wrestlemania XXV in Houston on April 2nd.

“The boys from the WWE called me and asked me to do it,” Rourke explained. “I said, ‘I want to.’ I’m talking with [WWE legend] Rowdy Roddy Piper about it.” And when he does jump into the ring with WWE, it appears the actor may already have his sights set on an opponent. “Chris Jericho, you better get in shape,” Rourke added. “Because I’m coming after your ass.”
It remains unclear whether he’ll be wrestling in character as Randy “The Ram” Robinson from his acclaimed performance in the title role of The Wrestler, or whether he’ll be in character as "Mickey Rourke, Guy Who Pets Chihuahuas on the Red Carpet". Please let it be chihuahuas please let it be chihuahuas please let it be chihuahuas…

Boogie Brows

It's so odd and cool that I almost don't mind it's a commercial.

A/V Lessons

Don't have any plans for the weekend? The Silent Movie Theatre here in Los Angeles is presenting "An Evening With The Prelinger Archives" on January 31 at 7:30 pm. The Prelingers are very cool archivists of industrial films and "invisible literature."

Beginning in the 1980s, archivist Rick Prelinger traveled around the U.S. in a van, visiting local schools, public libraries and private collectors, and accumulated perhaps the country’s largest collection of “ephemeral” works – industrial and sponsored films, home movies, educational films and commercials, and more. Over the years his Prelinger Archives has amassed a cult following, part of which is due to the magnetic personality of Prelinger himself, who finds ways to contextualize the films in his collection that are evocative and inspiring. He will discuss the life and work of Jamison “Jam” Handy, who produced almost 7,000 sponsored industrial and commercial films during his lifetime, including the “Roads to Romance” series promoting tourism by car, the “American Look” series on 1950s design and architecture, and many more. Select Jam Handy films from the archive will be screened after the presentation.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Mistakes Were Made

I haven't been to sleep yet, since yesterday around 8am...taking a shower and heading to work.

My attempt to totally vacate the old place was 98% successful, but also one of the worst ideas I've had. Blogging resumes tomorrow once I have some sleep.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Migratory Weekend

The move is on! 48 hours of madness and then I should be settled (somewhat) into the homestead...

This Is Proof Of A Higher Power...

...and that's Satan.

It's pretty amazing what the devil can do when he really applies himself. Usually he's forcing people do heroin and work at McDonald's, but he really outdid himself this time around. I can't wait until he makes Al Roker take a dump live on the Today Show.

Bubble Gob


Maurizio Savini's intricate works are created using thousands of pieces of...the bright pink gum?

Savini (39) has been using the material, known in his native Italy as 'American Gum' after it arrived during World War II, for the past 10 years. His sticky sculptures, such as a life-size buffalo, a grizzly bear and suited businessmen suspended in gymnastic poses, have been exhibited all over the world.

The Rome-based artist said: "The reason I like to use chewing gum is because it seemed to me an amazingly versatile material compared to those used by the traditional arts such as painting."

Despite its history of it belonging to popular culture, chewing gum does not have a statute of its own within institutional art. But Savini hope that will change - "I work the chewing gum when it is warm and manipulate it with a knife just like some traditional material like clay. The most important step is the fixing of the sculptures with formaldehyde and antibiotic. I believe that in my work on this material is redeemed and acquires a capacity and it has an expressive dignity of its own."

Pants Optional

A relatively civilized fashion primer for the well-clad.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tasty Chocolate

"A special-needs girl… with a need… to kick some ass!"


Damn, kids get uppity when they have too much sugar.

Thain In Vain

John Thain resigned today as CEO of Merrill Lynch amidst great scandal. But the ex-Goldman Sachs banker formerly known as "Mr. Fixit" may now better be known for spending $1.22 million redecorating his office at the in the midst of the subprime crisis.

According to CNBC, Thain
spent the majority of the bill hiring Michael Smith, who is now redoing the White House for the Obamas, for $800,000. For his part, Obama was able to recruit the celebrity designer's services for a comparable $100,000 bargain. Also on his shopping list, Thain secured an $87,000 area rug for his conference room and:

another area rug for $44,000; a "mahogany pedestal table" for $25,000; a "19th Century Credenza" in Thain's office for $68,000; a sofa for $15,000; four pairs of curtains for $28,000; a pair of guest chairs for $87,000; a "George IV Desk" for $18,000; six wall sconces for $2,700; six chairs in his private dining room for $37,000; a mirror in his private dining room for $5,000; a chandelier in the private dining room for $13,000; fabric for a "Roman Shade" for $11,000; a "custom coffee table" for $16,000; something called a "commode on legs" for $35,000; a "Regency Chairs" for $24,000; "40 yards of fabric for wall panels," for $5,000 and a "parchment waste can" for $1,400.

As you recall, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America in September for $28 billion on the same day that Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy. My take? If John Thain was beaten to death with pieces of furniture weilded by the fleeced and cheated, I'd say maybe justice was served.

The Dude Abides

Film Drunk braves the glitz and glamour of Sundance to bring you how deals and dreams get made...and crushed with fists!

This one requires some backstory - First off, The Dude in Big Lebowski was inspired by a real guy, Jeff Dowd. Jeff Dowd was recently working as a producer’s rep for Dirt! The Movie, a documentary playing at Sundance this year. Following a screening, Dowd was discussing the film with Variety film critic John Anderson, when both of them exhibited some very un-Dude-like behavior:

Anderson told Dowd that the movie “was poor, too simplistic, too redundant,” says Dowd, who accompanied him over to the nearby Yarrow. When they arrived, Anderson told him their conversation on the movie was “over.” The debate that followed got so heated that Anderson punched Dowd twice, once on the lip.

On the lip? Does he have chapstick-sized fists?

Dowd is a big guy who is passionate about his opinions. Anderson is a film critic who wanted to be left to eat his breakfast in peace and lost his temper. Anderson says he let Dowd “make his pitch” on the way over to the Yarrow. After his spiel, Anderson said, “So what?” Dowd told him to listen to how the audience responded. “They’re sheep,” Anderson said.

AHAHAHA! Calling the audience sheep, that’s +10 film critic points. $20 bucks he said with a speech impediment through a mouth full of curly fries.

“You’ve got so much power,” said Dowd. “Before you write this we should have more discussion.”

“He was accusing me of not caring about the state of the world because I didn’t like his film,” Anderson says. When they arrived at the restaurant he said, “OK, this conversation is over.” But Dowd wasn’t letting up, says Anderson, who sat down with a friend at a table. Then Dowd pulled up a chair and “continues to make his sales pitch. He wouldn’t go away, take no for an answer.”

Anderson told Dowd to “f-ck off and get out” and Dowd did leave, but returned ten minutes later with Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling (The Howard Stern Show) to speak on behalf of the film. Anderson had moved to a table for four and didn’t recognize Martling, but wasn’t having any of it anyway. Dowd “starts berating me,” Anderson says. “He’s a big intimidating guy hovering over the table. I got really pissed off.”

Dowd kept talking and Anderson got up and walked four steps, says Dowd, clenched up and hit him in the shoulder, chest and chin, and then his lip.

Come on, there’s a beverage here man! Let this be a lesson to you, kids: if someone accuses you of being annoying, you should definitely NOT bring over a manic comedian known for laughing at his own jokes. And if someone’s annoying you and they won’t stop, violence is the answer.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Movie Time!

Benjamin Forrest Button Gump


Molester Stallone

Extra Crispy Cylons

I was filled with delight from last Friday's Battlestar Galactica - not because of the show, of course, which was good, and hideously depressing as ever - when Kentucky Fried Chicken appeared to announce its new "Frak Pak." I'm assuming even you non-BSG watchers know the joke, but for the few of you who don't, it's that "frak" just means "fuck," allowing the BSG cast to curse on air. And thus, KFC is offering a "Fuck Pak." This is awesome beyond words.

Sadly, the Fuck Pak is not a combo meal; instead it's a prize pack that will be given out to 10 winners of BSG DVDs, an autographed script, a framed pic of that Last Supper photo, one of the Cylon Toasters, and a years worth of Kentucky Fried Chicken, as if eating KFC more than once per month wouldn't cause your blood vessels to fill up with grease and lard. You can get more details
here.

You know, there would potentially be a few restaurants where I could consider purchasing a Fuck Pak. But Kentucky Friend Chicken is definitely at the bottom of that list.

Moving Services

Since I'm waist deep in moving preparations of my own, here's the scoop on how Obama got into the White House...in a day:

Mark Russell was at a recent event in Chicago, Illinois, when he found himself sitting next to Valerie Jarrett, an adviser to President-elect Barack Obama. Russell asked her whether President Bush's staff members were going to remove all the "O"s from their computer keyboards, alluding to the 2001 incident in which President Clinton's departing staff removed "W"s from some White House computers. Jarrett said no, but that didn't stop Russell from speculating what really happened when President Bush's daughters, Barbara and Jenna, gave Obama's two daughters a tour of the White House recently.

"The Bush daughters showed Sasha and Malia Obama around," Russell joked. "Barbara showed them where all the bedrooms were, and Jenna showed them how to make a fake ID."

Russell sees humor in the presidential transition, but the actual operation to move both families in and out of the White House is serious business. The clearing out of the Bushes' belongings began over the summer, when many items were packed and taken to Crawford, Texas, says Anita McBride, chief of staff to first lady Laura Bush. Then, during the Christmas holiday, the Bushes moved their personal things out of Camp David, the presidential retreat in Maryland, according to McBride.

On January 20, the Obamas move in -- a side of Inauguration Day that most people never see: a grueling, precisely timed workday involving scores of staffers that follows six months of careful planning. Gary Walters worked at the executive mansion from 1986 until 2006 as chief usher in charge of moving presidential families in and out of the White House. From his Virginia home, Walters described how the complicated Obama move in to the White House is completed in only a few hours. The drivers put down their tailgates, allowing most of the White House's 93 staff members to begin unloading Obama family items, he said.

"Staff members all have been given very specific jobs on that day, almost down to the minute as to what their responsibilities are," Walters said.

The move is designed to be seamless, painless and invisible while millions of Washington visitors -- and millions more watching on TV -- follow the inauguration ceremonies and the parade that follows. By about 5 p.m., before the Obamas move from the parade viewing stand to their new home, the presidential move must be complete.

"Their clothes will be in their closets; everything will be put away," Walters said. "There should be no full or half-empty boxes will in view. Furniture will be set in proper places. Their favorite foods will be in the kitchen or the pantry. The chief usher will welcome them into their home and ask them what they would like to do before going out to enjoy the inaugural balls."

Incoming first lady Michelle Obama's mother, Marian Robinson, will also be moving into the White House residence, which has 24 rooms on the second and third floors. The Obamas have hired California decorator Michael Smith to use an allocated $100,000 to redecorate the space. "I think they're going to find that this is really conducive to family life," President Bush told CNN's Larry King. "President-elect Obama has got a 45-second commute to see his girls."

The move is performed by most of residence staff, which numbers 93. It takes place from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m. on the south side of the White House. At least two or three trucks will take part, and tents and chemicals on hand in case of ice, snow or rain. The carpet is changed with each new administration to suit the incoming president, Walters said. Possibly, the office desk will be changed, as will paintings that will be hung on the wall.

Books on the Oval Office shelves will be changed per the new commander in chief, as will accessories to be placed around the room, Walters said. Staffers may tote in a new sofa and chairs -- or busts of past presidents. Following tradition, Bush is expected to leave a personal letter written to Obama. Past letters have offered the new president private words of advice and reflection.

Several Democratic presidents have chosen to hang a Thomas Sully painting of President Andrew Jackson in the Oval Office, said political scientist and historian Martha Joynt Kumar, an expert on the White House. "In the residence, many presidents have brought their personal paintings to decorate their living space."

After movers tote out boxes of office materials from Bush staffers, the West Wing will become a dusty workspace, with empty bookshelves and the odd three-ring binder left behind, say veterans of the White House press corps. As in previous moving periods, contractors may come to slap on a coat of paint or lay carpet as the new crop of staffers finds their workspaces.

"It was incredible," former Clinton staffer David Seldin said, recalling his experience on Inauguration Day 1993. "I think people were overwhelmed with the sense that it was real and the sense that something that you had been working on as a political campaign is actually becoming part of the government." On Tuesday, once the whirlwind moving operation is finally done, Chief Usher Stephen Rochon will probably greet Obama the same way Walters did Bush in 2001.

Standing near the doorway to the White House North Portico, Walters recalls, he said, "Hello, Mr. President, welcome to your home."

Oh, and about those Os on White House keyboards -- two Bush officials told CNN on Sunday that outgoing aides won't be getting payback on the incoming Democratic administration. There is an understanding that Bush will be furious if there are any pranks, especially after cordial transition between the two administrations, the officials said.

Sweet Daddy Bear

Carmaker: Salvation

Chrysler is one of the automakers who who sucked some government tait and got themsleves a cool $4 billion in emergency aid and bailout money. Under private ownership, Chrysler has cut 36% of its employees, taking its combined blue-collar and white-collar staffing to the lowest level since 1934. Under the terms of its federal bailout, the automaker must submit a restructuring plan next month and demonstrate it can be made viable by the end of March. It has said it will seek another $3 billion in U.S. government loans.

And they just unveiled plans to help underwrite the fourth installment of the "Terminator" movie series.

"This spring, Terminator 4 (Salvation) comes out and we will be one of the sponsors," Chrysler director of media Susan Thomson said in a presentation at the Automotive News World Congress. "We have a following with the Terminator movies and we are going to continue with that." Great, more public tax dollars being wasted on corporations who lose tons of money, and prove they don't don't derserve it in the first place.

Thomson later added, “From now on, when people think post-apocalyptic wasteland, they’ll think Chrysler.” Indeed.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Brand New Day

yes, we did

Monday, January 19, 2009

A Nightmare Lifts

In case you were in a coma for the last eight years, here's a recap of the W years at the helm. Or as the intelligent part of America calls it, foreplay for the big Republican Fuck Off that culminates with an inauguration.

Her Segment In The Talent Competition

Miss USA 1991 Kelli McCarty starred on the NBC soap opera "Passions" for seven years, but has now made the lateral move to MILF Porn. Yaaay, you did it!

McCarty is now a "Vivid Entertainment" girl -- and has just wrapped on her first XXX feature, "Faithless," in which she plays the lead character to a very very supporting cast.So, why the career move? Here's the explanation -- "I enjoy acting,and I really like sex ... so this was the perfect opportunity to combine two of my passions."
Wow, what a coincidence, because this also combines two of my passions, namely watching movies and naked girls. Get outa my head, Kelli McCarty! The movie has an official site and XXX trailer, and here's 31 pictures of Kelly in the act.

Uh...Okay

Yeah, this was on network television. And there's also actually a reporter named Ju Ju Chang.

Victim

A $33.8 million gross in its first three days? When I find things like this out, it's like getting raped by stupidity. If there's anybody who saw that steaming pile of diarrhea who is somehow a reader of this site, you know you're not welcome here. Burn, Hollywood, burn.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Days Of Packing (Weekend Edition)

The time has come to get rid of some of my shit. And drag the rest of it elsewhere...

These next seven days are all about boxing it up and getting ready to get it out! So that's my weekend...and pretty much my week too.

Last Year's Most Hated



Scarlett reminds us that the last year was not without some truly loathsome characters, and has Buffalo Beast to back her up. Here's 50 of the worst, in an honest and scathing accessment, full of descriptions like:

"Exemplifies the simmering, all-American fascism lurking behind the forced smiles of uptight church ladies throughout 'real America'."

"As supreme cretin of one of this country's most ridiculous religions (just a nose behind Scientology), the Latter Day Saint did a divine job sanctioning and funding the “Yes on Prop 8” initiative to deny gays the right to be unhappily married."

"Surgically mortified face creates the impression of a barely passable 'earthling' mask worn by an insectoid alien, a possibility credited by her gradually digesting husband and her consistent locus at the Republican Party’s shifting center of evil."

"In a lot of ways, he does represent the average American—basing economic opinions on unrealistic expectations of personal future success, blaming his failure to meet those expectations on minorities and old people, complaining about deadbeats getting his taxes when he isn’t actually paying his taxes, and advertising his own rudimentary historical and mathematical ignorance by warning of creeping socialism in a country whose highest income tax rate has dropped by half in thirty years."

"His TBS vehicle is the least amusing thing to appear on television since the morning of September 11, 2001."

"A face so hewn can't be found in American politics outside of the Black Hills—or possibly the Speaker's office. The envy of any giraffe prostitute, her Coulterish neck suggests a correlation between head-shoulder distance and affinity for dissembling fascism."

"Being foolishly wrong about absolutely everything for about a thousand years and counting. Getting rich applying faux gilt, and guilt, to the dull, pointless, overstuffed lives of New Yorker readers."

"Her college-aged daughter may be a rehab veteran and serial drunk driver, but that’s no reason for mom not to televise the warping of daughter number two, a pre-rhinoplasty 14-year-old with no discernible talent or personality, and an 11-year-old boy whose future mugshot will no doubt become iconic."

"The amount of medical resources devoted to keeping this black hole of decency operational could have cured cancer by now, but if they had, he would make sure to keep it a secret."

"Her songs make 'Hamster on a Piano' sound like the final movement to Schubert's Unfinished Symphony."

"Like every paragon of public ethics, he was in private a mere pervert."

"Though he is fatter, how could anyone think a man who — professionally — quotes a book written by a make-believe space-giant, instructing the murder of homosexuals, could be anything other than a delusional bigot?"

"It’s hard — believe us, we know — to keep coming up with new things to say about this brutally stupid narcissist, who may have ruined this country irrevocably and certainly has ruined a couple of others, mugging amiably all the way."

"If you want to know why the rest of the world is scared of Americans, consider the fact that after two terms of disastrous rule by a small-minded ignoramus, 46% of us apparently thought the problem was that he wasn’t quite stupid enough."

I'm sure you already know who some of these people are...