Chapter Eleven

Yes, it's another chapter in His Words - Not Mine, and yes, it was written just for you. Really.

Eddie Izzard Weekend

After months of waiting, Famous Mom and I are going to see Eddie Izzard tonight at the Kodak Theater. Spoon some jam on that in your best James Mason voice, Jeff Vader!

Sexy Park

On the night of August 7th, Hong Kong police received a frantic call from a 41 year-old gentleman named Xing. He informed the officer that he was trapped in Lian Tan park. His stated reason? It seems that while meandering through the park, he had espied the salacious, perforated curves of one of the many benches dotting the grounds and, seeing that no one was around, he decided to do what any right-thinking, virile man would do. He decided to fuck it.

Problems soon enough presented themselves when Xing realized that the object of his affection had so firm a grasp on his member that he was unable to extricate himself. In a panic, he called the police who, finding his penis too swollen with blood to safely remove from the bench, were forced to cut the bench free and transport it, with lover attached, to the hospital where it was removed. Doctors remarked that, had he remained in the bench’s embrace for much longer, they would have had to remove his genitals in order to free him.

Let this serve as a lesson to all you would-be bench sodomites. Yes, they may be sexy and, yes, they may be “asking for it”, what with their polished surfaces and their exposed fastenings; but behind the weather beaten paint and wrought iron there is a darker side. There is a price to pay for your late night dalliances. Can you afford it?

Skank Of Love

Tila Tequila is going to spare the world from a third season of the abhorrent A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila because she claims she's finally found the real thing with Courtenay Semel.

Who?

Yahoo! CEO Terry Semel's daughter. Selmel previously dated Lindsay Lohan, so she's obviously got a thing for skanky, undiscriminating lesbians. Then again, it could be another terrible reality show in the works, starring these two diseased skanks.

The World's Second Transgendered Birth

Clay Aiken is a father. Really.

Kinda.

The baby's mother is Jaymes Foster, Aiken's "friend" and record producer whom he met while performing on American Idol. And trust me, it was not conceived the natural way. Their son was born at 8:08 a.m. on 08/08/08. Clearly, this is evil incarnate. Grab as much tit as you want, this kid has two fathers. Or mothers. Or both. And no, that's not her. It's here.

Now Just Make It Bigger

The problem with wheels is that contact with the ground generates drag, so a simple solution would be to develop an anti-gravity car. Guess what — one already exists! Sure it's only a few inches tall, but you're in luck if you're the size of an action figure. Thanks to dual ducted fans and a brushless motor, the Axon can hover above the ground and hit speeds of 25 mph almost instantly—and a dual brushless motor upgrade will bring it up to 50 mph.

The car is also damn near indestructible with a body made out of lexan polycarbonate resin thermoplastic on a polyethylene foam base. English, please? The resin was used by NASA for the visors on the helmets of Apollo astronauts and it is the same stuff that is currently used in modern day race cars. Starting in September it sets you back $250.

Foam Home

Styrofoam homes may sound like a recipient for disaster, but Japan Dome House Co., Ltd. thinks they're the future. Maybe, if that's a future where all of us are hobbits or smurfs.

Made with 7-inch-thick 100% expanded polystyrene foam modules, the company says that they don't have the maintenance problems of wood or metal structures, and they are "highly resistant" to earthquakes, fires, and typhoons. But does that explain why the 480 domes at Aso Farm Land resort village in Kyushu look like a suburban community on Mos Eisley's outskirts? Inside, however, the homes look huge.

Each module is only 175 pounds, and they can be carried and assembled by a couple of people in a matter of hours.

Slo-Mo Bolts

Feast your eyes on a lightning bolt that's shooting down from the sky, filmed in slow motion. Cool.

I Am Rich, And Stupid

Confirmed: eight morons bought the $999 I Am Rich iPhone application.

Armin Heinrich, the German thief author of the application, says there are more people waiting to get it:

"I am sure a lot more people would like to buy it—but currently can't do so. I have no idea why they [Apple] did it [retire the application] and am not aware of any violation of the rules to sell software on the App Store. The App is a work of Art and included a 'secret mantra'—that's all."

Sure...if there are people wanting to buy a piece of useless software for $999, why not let them do it. For those playing at home, from just eight sales, Heinrich has pocketed $5,600 and Apple has got $2,400. Fuckers.

The Chance Of A Lifetime

Yes, the highlight reel begins tomorrow, if you're into that kind of thing.

Tubbs

Perez Hilton and kickball. It don't get much more gay than that. I could talk about how it palys into his current weight loss regimen, but then I'd be gay.

2 Guys

Two Guys Drinking At A Bar rarely pass the two-minute mark, but is jam packed with jokes and cultural references.

The web-based program has become a running parody of conventional television shows. Riffing on over-the-top, melodramatic television shows, episodes 3 and 4, dubbed "The Joke Initiative," exaggerate the style of climatic cliffhangers popular on Lost. Episode 14 (above) spoofs Battlestar Galactica, from the dramatic score and fast-paced opening credits to the closing credits' goofy gore. There are also Easter eggs within the show for eagle-eyed viewers to catch -- like phone numbers and e-mail addresses so fans can reach the characters. Mike Nichols puts the show together with help from stars Kevin Farley and Paul Preston.

Save Failed

If you want to have the perfect goatee, see the GoateeSaver. For just $20, you just chomp on this bit and shave around it for perfect results every time! Adjust the three rollers to make the width flawlessly conforming to your face! By the way, if you can't manage to get it right on your own you don't deserve to have one.

Retired, Temporarily

They say you can never go home again, and for Brett Farve, they're right. Welcome Brett, to the New York Jets.

The whole thing unfolded sickeningly as Farve, after years of will-he / won't he teasing finally retired...and then changed his mind. There's no question he's not out of gas even though he's past his prime, but the whole thing has become about his ego and inability to come to a decision without actually thinking about the consequences. With the amazingly big deal made about him finally leaving, to see him bully his way back into reinstatement takes the sheen of class and respectability away from the future hall of famer. I know Scarlett will be sick just thinking about seeing her hometown homies square off against her favorite former footballer.

Michael Silver has this great piece at Yahoo! Sports that pretty well lays out the shitty circumstances behind Farve's return and the negative impact it has had. If Favre comes out looking bad in the article, it's because he does:

Aaron Rodgers dropped back, set his feet and prepared to release a routine slant pass when he heard the squeaky voice from behind the fence. The fourth-year quarterback paused during an individual drill late in the Green Bay Packers’ training camp practice Tuesday afternoon and spied a little boy, maybe 6, among the hundreds of spectators lining the Oneida Street side of Clarke Hinkle Field.

“We don’t love you,” the kid said. “You suck.”

Rodgers didn’t respond to the taunt, nor did he acknowledge the pockets of fans chanting “we want Brett” and “bring back Favre” at sporadic points during the practice. But given the way things had played out since a certain legendary quarterback’s dramatic return to Titletown less than 48 hours earlier, there was an obvious message that should have been delivered to the kids – and the people acting like them – going to pieces over the messy divorce between the Packers and Brett Favre.

The Aaron Rodgers era has begun in Green Bay, and if you don’t like that, you’re taking it out on the wrong quarterback.

“I know people are emotional, but that’s an interesting way of expressing yourself,” Rodgers told Y! Sports after Tuesday’s practice. “All I know is we have a really good team, and we’re excited to get ready for the season.”

It’s a season which, it now seems painfully clear, will take place without Favre in a Packers uniform for the first time since 1991. And if you want to know who’s most responsible for that, Packers fans, take a look at that No. 4 jersey in the mirror above your dresser.

There have been numerous tactical missteps made by Favre and the bosses he publicly suggested are dishonest – general manager Ted Thompson and coach Mike McCarthy – during this month-long saga, and Packers fans have a right to be frustrated at both camps. But if you believe that the quarterback soon will be leaving Green Bay, most likely via trade to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, because those merciless meanies just didn’t want poor ol’ Brett around, you’ve got more than cheese clouding your head.

As McCarthy stated in his news conference after Tuesday’s practice, and as Favre himself had stated more clearly in his latest woe-is-me interview (this one to ESPN’s Chris Mortensen) earlier that morning, the reason the future Hall of Famer couldn’t come back to the Pack was that he can’t let go of his ill will toward his employers.

Rodgers, meanwhile, has every right to be bitter about the way things went down since Favre stepped onto the tarmac at Austin Straubel Airport on Sunday night. Yet he’s the one biting his lip and acting like the adult.

Let’s see it from his perspective: After waiting three years for his shot, and without much warmth or mentoring from the guy he was playing behind, Rodgers finally was told he was The Man after Favre’s tearful retirement news conference in March. Shortly before training camp, a story surfaced that Favre had the itch to return. Favre, via text message, dismissed the report as “just rumors,” which was a lie.

After floating his desire to come out of retirement, Favre waited for Thompson and McCarthy to embrace him as the reinstalled starter, just as he so often has demanded to be indulged over the latter part of his career. This time, they didn’t respond positively – partly because they didn’t believe he wanted to come back and play, partly because they already had committed to Rodgers and didn’t want to destroy their relationship with a talented quarterback they had spent years grooming, and partly because they were tired of being in a subservient position.

Favre got more and more resentful, lashing out publicly and privately demanding to be released. The team held firm, insisting that it would only trade him to a team outside its division. To force the issue – and thanks largely to the intervention of commissioner Roger Goodell – Favre secured his reinstatement, flew to Green Bay and, in a shameless bit of showmanship, showed up at Lambeau Field with his wife Deanna to watch the team’s “Family Night” scrimmage from a luxury box.

In that glorified 11-on-11 drill, with some of the 56,000-plus fans booing him, Rodgers completed just 7 of 20 passes. Afterward, he fielded questions from reporters and learned – from them – that the Packers supposedly had declared an open competition between him and Favre for the starting job.

Gulp.

“It was news to me,” Rodgers admitted Tuesday. “All of a sudden people are talking about ‘open competition,’ and I’m wondering what happened.”

For the next day and a half, Rodgers, like the rest of us, wondered what it all meant when Packers CEO Mark Murphy said the team would welcome Favre back “and turn this situation to our advantage.”

On Monday night, as Favre was staging meetings with his superiors that dragged on so long that McCarthy had to cancel a quarterbacks meeting, it certainly didn’t seem that things were working to Rodgers’ advantage.

Nonetheless, publicly and privately, Rodgers did what Favre can’t seem to do these days: He kept his cool.

“If I was going to get mad, or throw something against the wall, what difference would it have made?” Rodgers asked rhetorically. “All I can do is control the attitude I bring into every day, stay positive and think about leading this football team to the best of my ability.”

Favre, meanwhile, couldn’t overcome the negativity that apparently has been swirling inside his mind for quite some time. In that lengthy vent session last month to Greta Van Susteren of Fox News, Favre complained that he couldn’t trust Thompson because, among other things, the GM had ignored his pleadings to acquire Randy Moss and hired McCarthy over Steve Mariucci, the one-time Packers assistant and former 49ers and Lions coach with whom the quarterback is extremely close.

Think about that: Favre was affronted because the Pack’s general manager wouldn’t follow his quarterback’s decree about whom to hire as head coach.

The Packers hired former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer as a PR consultant, but in truth, Favre is the one more in need of such image management.

Consider that Favre, in another interview, said he only wanted to play for another NFC North team – in order to play the Packers twice a season. Now that’s loyalty.

Yet, for all his regrettable posturing, Favre still had the image war won when he stepped off that plane Sunday night and received a hero’s welcome and an invitation to return to the Packers’ roster. At that point, the coach of another NFL team told me, “The game’s over. There’s no way Favre won’t get his job back now. If you don’t start him, how are you going to explain it to all of those fans?”

If Favre, as some suspected, was preparing to engage the Packers in a game of chicken, be it in an attempt to go where he wanted to go (Minnesota) or to get his old job back, this is what he should have done:

1. Not attend the scrimmage. (Perhaps he and Deanna could have stayed home and rented a DVD.)

2. Apologize to McCarthy and Thompson for having called them dishonest and assure his bosses he had overcome his ill feelings and was embracing a return to the organization under any terms.

3. To prove he totally was on board, show up for practice on Tuesday, wave to the adoring fans, meet with reporters afterward and tell them, “I just want a chance to compete for my job and help this team” – even if he believed the competition was going to be a sham.

4. Quietly push for a trade or his outright release and wait for the Packers, facing the prospect of a season-long quarterback controversy and a $12 million tab for a player they had hoped would stay retired, to blink first.

Alas, Favre couldn’t help himself. On Tuesday, while still in discussions with McCarthy about his future, he took a break to call Mortensen and confirm what many of us had suspected all along: Favre, despite another public statement to the contrary (“My intentions have always been to play for Green Bay,” Favre had told the Sun Herald of Gulfport, Miss., before returning on Sunday), was the one who wanted out.

“The problem is that there’s been a lot of damage done and I can’t forget it,” he told Mortensen. “Stuff has been said, stories planted, that just aren’t true. Can I get over all that? I doubt it. … So they can say they welcome me back, but come on, the way they’ve treated me tells you the truth. They don’t want me back, so let’s move on.”

Move on is what most of Favre’s teammates were eager to do on Tuesday, even some of the Packers who’ve been most supportive of his return.

“I think it should end today,” veteran cornerback Charles Woodson said. “We should be talking about the team; instead, we’ve talked about one guy for the last five minutes. This is a situation unique to itself, and it has become its own monster.

"You’ve got fans out there yelling ‘we want Brett,’ yelling A-Rod this and A-Rod that, Ted Thompson this and Ted that. That’s not looking at the grand scheme of things. It’s not helpful at all. You’ve got fans that are die-hard Brett fans, and they’ve put that above the team.”

If Favre, by forcing the issue, did the Packers and his successor one favor, it was this: We’ve gotten a small taste of Rodgers’ demeanor under intense pressure, and to the young passer’s credit, he has kept his cool a lot better than the outgoing legend.

“Aaron Rodgers has done everything right,” McCarthy said during his news conference. Later, the coach talked about his conviction that Rodgers will succeed in his new role.

“You just have to believe in a number of things,” McCarthy said. “Number one, I think he’s prepared himself for this opportunity. I think he has the tools, physically, mentally, emotionally. I mean, you talk about what he’s been challenged with emotionally of late, this is great (training). Who’s had better training to play in the National Football League than Aaron Rodgers, and I think he’s handled it well.”

Hopefully, that maturity will start to rub off on Favre – and the fans who can’t find the grace to cope with the fact that their hero willfully abandoned them.

Appetizer

A taste of the roasting from Sunday night's affair. I hope they air Cloris Leachman's turn at the podium. She killed it, really. Cloris FTW.

If You're Truly An Asshole

You must've seen at least one book titled something like "This book will teach you how to earn $1 million," or seen those flyers how to make tons of money just by working at home. Totally legit, and they work...yeah, sure.

Now, picture an iPhone application that has just two functions: a red jewel icon that "always reminds you (and others when you show it to them) that you were able to afford this," and, after pressing the "(i)", a secret mantra that "may help to you stay rich, healthy and successful." Did we mention it costs $999.99.

Yes, not only are you a tool who had to be sheep like cutting edge and have an iPhone, but you had spare loot to buy some of the hundreds of available iPhone Apps available to "enhance" it. Games, gadgets, software - that I understand, but this? Totally pointless. It's creator, Armin Heinrich, deserves paralysis. Or worse. If cell phones do give you cancer, let us find out when he gets it. Hear my prayer, o' mighty lord!

Spockin'

Spock, the DJ or the sex symbol.

Atomic Balloon

Scientists have created the world's thinnest balloon, made of a single layer of carbon just one atom thick. Coming soon, the world's thinnest balloon animal!

The balloon is made of the same graphite in your pencil, made atom-thin with sheets of carbon stacked on top of each other. Known as graphene on that form, it is highly electrically conductive, and scientists are feverishly researching whether it could find use in advanced circuitry and other devices. Studying little graphene trampolines, by complete accident they made a graphene sheet over a hole and saw that it was trapping gas inside. By experimenting further with bubbles made of graphene, they found the membranes were impermeable to even the smallest gas molecules, including helium. Only an atom thick but an impenetrable barrier.

In terms of applications, one possibility is described as miniature aquariums for molecules. It would have instruments on one side of the membrane, in vacuum or air, and on the other side you would have DNA or proteins suspended in liquid, which could be viewed close enough to image the molecules within a few angstroms (or widths of an atom). Other potential applications include hyper-fine sensors and ultra-pure filters. To the researchers, having a membrane that won't let anything past leads to the study of what happens when they poke a hole in it. To detect what leaks through that hole with high sensitivity, or make sure only what you want leaks through that hole expands the atomic balloon possibilities ever further.

Without Child

Thanks to the interweb, many people without lives are now able to still not have a life!

In short, Doggyspace makes IOVUF look like mana from heaven. Pet parents are certainly the creepiest of folks. It's one thing to love your pet, but when you elevate them to the point of humanity, that's too much. And it's no coincidence these people don't do much in the way of socializing with other people.

A crossbreed between MySpace and YouTube, Doggyspace allows dog owners from all over the world to come together, create profiles, and share photos and videos of their pups. Wow! That sounds like fun!

Since launching in mid-July, Doggyspace has logged more than 700 registered, active user profiles — 73% of them created by females, and no stats on how many are single and overweight (but I'm guessing lots). Site founder Levi Thornton projects that Doggyspace will have more than two million accounts by the end of the year. What dog-crack are you smoking? Only influenza had that kind of growth rate, and you didn't have to log in for that.

"There's a lot of people out there with their dogs and we're busy and we're all working in the office all day long and this is a way for us to bring our pets with us," said Thornton. How about you bring a picture instead of dicking around the interweb? Even more ridiculous is that the site plans to offer premium accounts for a small fee that will give users extra features. Like what, a cyanide pill to take when you realize how sad that is to create a web page for your pets, as if other people give a shit?

Oh, but they do:

Thornton said the site is a place for pet owners to share stories or learn about a specific breed. It can also help people form friendships based on a love of dogs, or connect people interested in finding a play date for their dog.

Connie Mandrozos found the site while searching for information for her 12-year-old golden retriever, Boomer, who has cancer. She received an outpouring of support from other dog owners with similar experiences and some told her they "have their paws crossed" for Boomer. Mandrozos ended up spending more time on the site, creating profiles for Boomer as well as his "sisters" — a pit bull mix named Darla and another mixed breed named Violet.

"It's been a goofy thing to do at the end of the day when you get home from work and you just want to talk to somebody in your dog's voice and say, 'hey, how was your day? Woof,'" said Mandrozos.

Lady, you are a sad, sad loser. but there's more:

Most of the Doggyspace profiles include messages from other doggy "friends."

One profile is for a chocolate Labrador retriever named Guinness, who said her mom "couldn't resist naming me after her favorite beverage" and said she is shy around other dogs and scared of small, furry creatures because she lives with a "VERY MEAN CAT." Postings on Guinness' profile include a message from Chico, a Chihuahua mix who offered to help with the shyness problem.

If you haven't figured it out, this is why the terrorist hate us. All those barren wombs and animals subjugated to surrogate childhood by desperate people. Just plain pathetic.

With Child?

Retired porn superstar Jenna Jameson is reportedly pregnant with the spawn of boyfriend (and UFC legend) Tito Ortitz. The Marilyn Monrow of pron and the Charles Bronson of mixed martial arts makin' babies? Good idea!

The rumor comes from the buzz that she had a bunch of meetings planned for Fashion Week to promote her own line, but now postponed everything. Jameson miscarried during her marriage to fellow pron-whore Jay Grdina, whom she divorced in 2006, and failed once with in vitro. You got to figure only the sperm of a beast of a man that can choke fighters into submission is strong enough to anchor in that womb.

What a terriffic mother she'll be. How do I know? Haven't you seen Rump Rangers, Baby Doll , Smells Like... Sex, Up And Cummers 10, Dangerous Tides, Cherry Pie, Wicked Weapon, Cum One Cum All, Lickity Slit, On Her Back, F Zone, Please Cum Inside Me, Fluffy Cumsalot, Porn Star, Hard Evidence, Jawbreakers, Virtual Reality 69, Hell On Heels, or Where the Boys Aren't 7, 14, 16, and 17?

Technology Strikes Back

USA Today breaks the tale of killer escalators. Or Japanese too stupid to pay attention to avoid a technical glitch. Beware the next time you ride an escalator at the mall!

A rogue escalator took out 20 passengers in a Tokyo convention center when it inexplicably started going in reverse. The most serious of the injuries reported seems to be a broken leg, but it is clear that this escalator was staging a revolt because it was being overloaded by the crush of people...and wanted to feast of human flesh. Stay alert - it is only a matter of time before they start snagging shoelaces with the intent to kill. In defense of the people there, well, there is none. Just keep walking up or take a step back. You'd think the bottom opened up and started eating people.

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Sometimes, when I think about how rough work can be, I remember how much fun school was.

Cthulhu To You Too

The damned thing's called Cthulhu - do you even need to know more? Like when he returns to the quaint little fishing village where he grew up, Russ gets sexed up by old lovers, finds his father is the leader of a doomsday cult, and uncovers a plot to end the world. I told you - CHTULHU!

Graphjammin'

You will learn many things at Graph Jam. Many.

Who Sheds A Tear?

The rumors are true!

Playgirl, the naked-man publication started in the 70s, will fold. Not bend over. Fold. It will become a web-only publication, which sounds like an oxymoron to me. And besides, was it not online pron that has been slowly killing skin mags for years? Good luck navigating that competition. I haven't seen as bad an idea coming to the digital realm since TMQ was resurrected as IOVUF.

The Shaming March

Like those of flightless arctic birds, the mating habits of the American college student are document-worthy. Aside from spoofing March Of The Penguins, goddamn if they didn't find a narrator who sounds just like Morgan Freeman.

Unclear On The Concept

What the fuck Florida?

A second Florida man has been arrested on charges of making false 911 calls in as many days. An arrest report says 47-year-old Carlos Gutierrez was at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino early Monday and called 911 to say the slot machine stole his money. The report says Gutierrez left the casino to place a second 911 call to say the same thing. He was arrested and charged with making a false 911 call, currently being held with no bail set.

Over the weekend another man was arrested after calling 911 five times during an argument with his brother. He demanded that dispatchers send deputies to help sort things out. Sorry you nimrods, you have to work out who watches Nick At Nite and who doesn't. And in northern Florida last week, a Jacksonville man called 911 to complain that a Subway left the sauce off a spicy Italian sandwich.

Seriously, fuck you Florida.

400 Million Bats (And A Lot Of Expectation)

Yet another entry for The Dark Knight in Hollywood's record books the sequel has climbed past $400 million at the box office in just 18 days, the fastest pace ever.

The film hit that mark in less than half the time it took for the previous record-holder, Shrek 2, which crossed the plateau on its 43rd day of release. The Dark Knight is now at No. 8 on the all-time box-office charts and will likely be No. 7 at day's end by passing the $403.7 million haul of the original Spider-Man. That'll make it the top-grossing comic-book adaptation ever.

Industry watchers predict it will pass the original Star Wars ($461 million) in about two weeks, making it No. 2 on the all-time domestic list behind Titanic ($600.8 million), but there is debate that it has the wheels to take out the big boat, which was the number one film for nearly three months. And big deal that the movie is, discussion has also turned to the next potential bat-film.

The hottest Batman 3 rumors call for the next super villain to be either the Riddler, played by Johnny Depp, or the Penguin brought to the screen by Philip Seymour Hoffman. Of course, that’s all speculation at this point, and if you want to travel down that fanboy road, go ahead and mention Catwoman and Angelina Jolie. But if so, consider that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Aaron Eckhart signed on for two Bat-pictures...so do they play into the plot of the next movie? Cillian Murphy had a nice little cameo as The Scarecrow, so why not them? Screenwriter David Goyer (who penned them both with Nolan) has already said that we won't be seeing Catwoman (or, for that matter, the Penguin) in the next chapter:

Batman has been published for 70 years. In the first movie, we used Ra's Al Ghul and the Scarecrow, who had not been in the movies before, and had not been in the '60s TV show before... There are dozens if not hundreds of other characters that fit that bill. Everyone says it's got to be the Penguin or Catwoman...well I completely disagree.

Oh, the plot thickens...and who could have seen Heath Ledger as The Joker? Casting against type not only kills the star factor for a Depp or Hoffman villain, but steers away from the bloat of the first franchise, which just became a villain-of-the-moment showcase. Although can you see anybody else but Angelina as Catwoman? Me-ow!

For those who have yet to see it, I really have to insist on going the IMAX route. Big, awesome blockbuster movies deserve that treatment, and is a reward to a visually dense and well crafted flick. And I'm already planning next year's Watchmen IMAX viewing (that trailer killed in IMAX). The Dark Knight, as I expected, lowered my cholesterol and taught me Swahili, and was the greatest movie of all time ever in the history of everything. Okay, it a lot of fun, and clearly, has the box office to show for it.

How I Feel Sometimes

Mike Mitchell, y'all

Kelly Bundy Has Breast Cancer

Christina Applegate has been diagnosed with breast cancer, her rep announced over the weekend. She is only 36 years old.

Her spokesperson said:

"Christina Applegate was diagnosed with an early form of breast cancer. Benefiting from early detection through a doctor ordered MRI, the cancer is not life threatening. Christina is following the recommended treatment of her doctors and will have a full recovery. No further statement will be issued at this time."

Sorry folks, no jokes here. Kelly Bundy getting breast cancer just feels like a superbummer and un-American.

Torch Song

No longer just a bundle of wood...and that's about all the pre-Olympic hype I'm getting into.

Powered By Solar Water

A new catalyst makes it feasible to split water with solar power. Suck on that NaCl batteries!

MIT chemists say the catalyst, used in conjunction with cheap photovoltaic solar panels, could lead to inexpensive, simple systems that use water to store the energy from sunlight. The catalyst enables the electrolysis system to function efficiently at room temperature and at ordinary pressure. Like a reverse fuel cell, it splits water into oxygen and hydrogen. By recombining the molecules with a standard fuel cell, the O2 and H2 could then be used to generate energy on demand.

Solar energy currently makes less than one percent of the world's electricity. The main drawback of the technology, preventing wider adoption, is that solar systems only make power while the sun is shining. At night or on cloudy days, those in need of power must look elsewhere. So storage of electrical energy has been a long-sought after technological advance. Batteries work but they're too big and expensive. Fuels, fossil or renewable, are different: They act as their own storage, allowing for easy transport and usage. That's one reason that coal and oil have such a dominant hold on the world's energy market. That, and nobody has bought the ocean...yet.

The key advancement is the development of an oxygen-producing catalyst made of cobalt and phosphate. Splitting water requires two half-reactions, one to create oxygen gas and the next to create hydrogen. For decades, scientists have been trying to reduce the cost of the oxygen part of the reaction, with little success...until now.

It's important to note that the breakthrough is in making it cheaper and simpler to split water by electrolysis. Expensive machines have long been able to do the same thing, but only by using iridium alloys or exotic nanoparticles. Because its made of common materials and can operate at room temperature and normal pressure, there is no need to heat and pressurize the water, and the energy needs and cost of running the process overall are much lower.

"It's never an issue in energy of whether you can do it or not," the scientists said. "It's whether you can do it cheaply."

Chapter Ten

His Words-Not Mine hits the double digit chapter mark, and as usual, it's served up piping hot and fresh every Monday. Dig in!

Roasted Weekend

Once again, Scarlett has the hot ticket to a Hollywood event, and we're going to the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget on Sunday. Sweet.

While Saget was America's Dad (the white one, not when Cosby was America's Dad) on "Full House" and host of "America's Funniest Home Videos", first and foremost he was a comedian. He was part of the awesome 9th Annual Young Comedian's special Rodney Dangerfield ran a million years ago on HBO, which also had future stars Louie Anderson, Rita Rutner, Yakov Smirnoff, and Sam Kinison.

Artie Lange (if he's still alive), Greg Giraldo, Jeffrey Ross, Gilbert Gottfried, and Norm Macdonald are just some of the presenters. There's pre and post show soirees, and I just heard that La Fem'bot will be there as well to cover the event (can we sneak Rybot in? Stay tuned!). Will Saget remember my turn as Dancing Guest #2 from the episode where DJ went to prom? I'm the idiot with the white collared tux (there's a second guy with the same get up, but you'll know it's me - I look like I'm having a retarded seizure).

Be Kind, Destroy

Anybody remember that part at the end of the classic Time Bandits, where Kevin says, "Mom! Dad! It's evil! Don't touch it!"? That's what the Verne Troyer sex tape is.

The battle continues, reignited by the little monster himself, suing his ex-girlfriend for $20 million, claiming she allowed snippets of the tape to be released. Troyer's lawsuit also claims that ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider was abusive and inflicted emotional distress on him. He may be height challenged, so things look bigger to him by perspective, but does he even understand how much $20 million is? and who he's trying to get it from? Ranae Shrider probably earns as much as an Outback Steakhouse waitress for whatever she does, and is as attractive as one (on the weekday lunch shift).

This new lawsuit comes roughly two weeks after Troyer settled with a porn distributor and broker to successfully block the release of the 50-minute tape of him and Shrider having sex. His current lawsuit claims that the dissemination of the tape is an invasion of privacy, misappropriation of his name, voice and likeness, and a copyright violation. It's a violation of good taste if anything. And what, does he have the copyright of gross goblin sex?

He is asking a judge to grant a temporary injunction, barring Shrider and others from trying to sell the tape. Troyer is also seeking the return or destruction of all copies of the video. The lawsuit also names another woman, Holly Bannon, who they claim is trying to broker the tape along with an attorney, Okorie Okorocha. Okorocha said he has never seen the tape and simply tried to negotiate a deal between Troyer and a client who has since dropped him. All other parties involved asked what kind of made up name is Okorie Okorocha?

In addition to seeking damages for the release of the tape, Troyer's new lawsuit also claims Shrider refused to move out of Troyer's home after their breakup, and at one point pinned him to a wall and broke a video camera. Really? Couldn't he just run back through his mouse hole and hide? Troyer also declined to press charges against Shrider after one incident in which he claimed she stole his medication. In all fairness, she was right to hide his Viagra.

Troyer's attorney has said that the actor will pursue all possible legal action to keep the tape from being sold. All merchants and vendors should do the same, for everybody's sake.

Quasimodo Jamz

I warn you - you are going to Hell if you watch this. For eternity. And just when you think it's unbelieveable, it keeps getting...more...continued. Godspeed, friends.

ps. After a few views, I had to hit mute, but the Undertow album from Tool makes it even more...something.

Gasbag

Let the flip-flopping begin!

The inexperience of Bobama makes him not at all my pick for a leader, but given the opposition in McCrab and the fact that I'd vote for an illegal immigrant child rapist before letting a ballot go to the those Republican scumbags, I'm forced to take the menu option that's offered. So, unpleased as I am, I have less to be impress with as the dynamism of the primaries are gone and Bobama can go back to Politico 101.

Reversing earlier statements, Bobama said he would be willing to support limited additional offshore oil drilling if that's what it takes to enact a comprehensive policy to foster fuel-efficient autos and develop alternate energy sources. How many votes is losing credibility going to get you? Or is it campaign dollars?

Shifting from his previous opposition to expanded offshore drilling, he said he could get behind a compromise with Republicans and oil companies to prevent gridlock over energy. Compromise? If you get into office, what placating do you have to offer Big Oil or their Republican lackeys? Set fucking policy and lead through the direction you develop.

McCrab earlier dropped his opposition to offshore drilling, and has been criticizing Bobama as gasoline prices topped $4 a gallon. Polls indicate these attacks have helped McCrab gain ground on Bobama, but I have to ask, why have there been no polls to determine if people think that gas prices are so high because we have an actual shortage or that greedy companies worldwide are wringing every last cent of profit out under this administration as everybody earns a buck and the consumer gets screwed? And exactly when will our additional magic surplus of oil be available? Oops! Forgot to see if people also thought that you start opening up our coasts to oil drilling and exploration and the instantly get oil. Guess they must since it's the hot appeasement for votes. Bread on every table and a full tank of gas!

"My interest is in making sure we've got the kind of comprehensive energy policy that can bring down gas prices. If, in order to get that passed, we have to compromise in terms of a careful, well thought-out drilling strategy that was carefully circumscribed to avoid significant environmental damage — I don't want to be so rigid that we can't get something done. The Republicans and the oil companies have been really beating the drums on drilling," he said.

Great...until he later issued a written statement warmly welcoming a proposal sent to Senate leaders by five senators from each party - a proposal that would lift drilling bans in the eastern Gulf of Mexico within 50 miles of Florida's beaches and in the South Atlantic off Virginia, the Carolinas and Georgia. Sure, only if a state agrees to the oil and gas development along its coast, and in return, the states would share in revenues from oil and gas development. Drilling bans along the Pacific coast and the Northeast would remain in place under this compromise, which make me have about where I live, but still not the point.

The plan also includes energy initiatives Obama has endorsed. "It would repeal tax breaks for oil companies so that we can invest billions in fuel-efficient cars, help our automakers re-tool, and make a genuine commitment to renewable sources of energy like wind power, solar power, and the next generation of clean, affordable biofuels," Obama noted.

"Like all compromises, it also includes steps that I haven't always supported. I remain skeptical that new offshore drilling will bring down gas prices in the short-term or significantly reduce our oil dependence in the long-term, though I do welcome the establishment of a process that will allow us to make future drilling decisions based on science and fact."

Then don't do it, moron. If it's not sickeningly obvious, reread that statement until you find out how utterly retarded his contradiction is. Gas is the new terrorism for hot button election topics, but be realistic about it. Olympic gymnastics start next week, but it'll be a long summer of flipping in this race, trust me...

The Most Bizarre Cup Of Joe

When I listen to Indie 103.1 in the morning, they've always got David Lynch calling in the weather, and one of the plugs they do is to visit his site and "try his coffee". I always thought that was a joke or pun, but it's true - he's got coffee. There's Organic House Roast, French Roast, and Espresso. Maybe there'll be a Blue Velvet blend one day...

gee, a motif in Twin Peaks

Crapparazzi And Lesbians

The inaugural meeting of a task force of elected officials and law enforcement leaders occurred yesterday, as they investigated ways to regulate aggressive tabloid photographers. Yawn.

Given the star-wattage at the meeting, I'm not surprised there was martial law on the streets today to keep order. Sissy rocker John Mayer and actors Milo Ventimiglia and Eric Roberts were at City Hall for what was either a courageous stand against the dangerous tactics of the paparazzi or a foolish waste of time.

"Heroes" star Ventimiglia described being pursued at night through West Hollywood. At each red light, he said, three photographers would jump out of their vehicles and surround his car, blinding him with the flashes of their cameras. Ventimiglia said he drove to a sheriff's station but was told there was nothing authorities could do. "I have lost a bit of confidence in the laws," he said. How about that law about statutory rape? Your co-star Hayden Panettiere just turned 18, and you're 31...exactly how long did you say you've been dating?

Mayer, who called himself "one of the most media-friendly celebrities around," said reckless driving, harassment and trespassing by paparazzi make a lethal accident "not a theoretical possibility, but a situational certainty." Wow, musician and statistician! "You can either name the law after what it prevents, or you can name it after the first person who is killed," Mayer said. He added that his mere presence was proof of the problem. "You got a rock star out of bed at 8 o'clock in the morning, so this must be important," he said. I guess - if by important you mean being up that early and out with Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewett, Jessica "Phar Lap" Simpson, and Jennifer Aniston (for starters), all who you've banged.

Roberts simply asked that people start taking his picture and recognizing him. He noted his sister is famed actress Julia Roberts.

But before the celebrity witnesses could utter a single word about paparazzi car chases or sidewalk encampments, Los Angeles Police Chief William J. Bratton had tracked down a camera crew of his own and dismissed the task force as a farce, stirring up controversy.

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes, Paris is out of town and not bothering anybody anymore, thank God, and evidently Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue," Bratton told a reporter. The chief interrupted his morning workout to tell the station that existing laws were sufficient to control the paparazzi and that 90% of the problem was caused by misbehaving stars. He also accused Councilman Dennis P. Zine, who convened the task force, of grandstanding.

Zine during the hearing insisted the chief was wrong and that current penalties for traffic violations and misdemeanors were not sufficient. "They act like a pack of wolves, stalking their prey," he told the task force. "What we're trying to do is prevent a tragedy from happening." Later, Zine asked the mayor and the Police Commission to investigate Bratton's comments. He cited the assessment of Lohan's sexual orientation as particularly inappropriate. "I am just absolutely shocked at his obstinacy. We are trying to do something positive," Zine said. Yeah, so are the Jehovah's Witnesses trying to peddle "The Watchtower" at my door.

Bratton brushed off suggestions that his remarks were insensitive. He said that he had a long record of supporting gay rights and noted that his sister is a lesbian. He called a news conference during Zine's hearing to provide reporters with a list of more than 40 state and local laws that already deal with aggressive photographers. Bratton ridiculed efforts under discussion in the hearing to register paparazzi as "like trying to herd cats." What if you just did the old fashioned way of handling cats - put them in a bag and throw them in the river?

Adding some fuel to the fire was a response by La Lohan herself to the police chief calling her out (literally), who said that police have no business getting involved in her personal life. Really? Which part? The car accidents from August 2004 or October 2005? Or May 2007, when she ran her vehicle up a curb and police found cocaine in her car and in her blood? Is that why they later arrested her on a misdemeanor charge of driving under the influence of alcohol? What about the incident from July 2007, when the police found her in a parking lot having a "heated debate" with her former assistant who was fired several hours earlier? Does the part where you failed a field sobriety test and were found with a BAC above the legal limit count? Or should we just focus on the cocaine in your pocket and driving with a suspended license?

So, how's about you shut the fuck up?

It's time to take aim at two issues we're facing these days. The first is lesbians. Quick test hotshot - which of the two pictures shows lesbians?

Not so fast! You're thinking it's that beer soaked, fratboy fantasy of crazy sluts gone wild who end up delivered to your home (discreetly) for $9.95 a month, cancel anytime! Lesbians, like everybody else in this world, come in all kinds of nasty shapes and sizes. Don't let porn and Hollywood fool you. And even the celebrity lesbians are keeping it real, and it ain't real pretty.

Yes, the real life sex (and the city) is not that glamorous or sexy at all. And like straight couples, the "man" sometimes gets a better looking girl than you'd think matches, but hey - they way she goes. Get out of your head why women who like other women often want women who look like a man, although for a moment let Tyler Durden mention:

...it feels a little disingenuous to call Sam Ronson a “girlfriend”. Does it count as gay when you’re girlfriend looks exactly like a boy? Feels like this is some kind of loophole to being gay. Lindsay didn’t exactly jump all in when it came time to F a girl. Sam is 98 percent boy. Put a vibrator in each hand and now she’s better than a real boy. Now she’s a bionic super boy. Or a regular boy having a seizure. Sam has pretty bad timing. She’s getting Lindsay at her lowest point. After she’s been used up by 900 guys. I hope their vibrators have a leash with a velcro strap that Lindsay can hook to her ankle like surfboards do so nothing gets lost up in there.

But jokes aside, it doesn't matter if guys like girls or other guys, or women prefer the hole over the pole. It's typical, as even the famous prove, that the idea of lesbians is quite different when the off-camera reality is seen. So now that you see lesbians are not Faberge eggs and are just like you and me (especially if you're a fella), why all the fuss? Whether you're lipsticking it like Jill Sobule or Katy Perry, or going for gay broke like Portia Di Rossi or La Lohan, who cares?

And point two is that - who cares? Paparazzi are parasites, and people who care are the hosts which they feed off. If you care what J-Lo's half chihuahua baby looks like or need to see where Posh Spice is shopping, you're a fucking loser. Paparazzi don't exist if there's no magazines being sold with their pictures and stories that are more bullshit than fact. It's nothing new from my lips - if you just stop caring, they don't exist. Fat idiots like Perez Hilton have to go back to working at Starbucks, and Assy Pig Tank becomes another chubby spoiled Persian brat from Beverly Hills.

How many pictures can you look at of celebrities driving cars at night? Whole websites exist and may as well call themselves Celebrity Bikini. Feeble existences are being made into careers, and now there are celebrities just for the sake of. And for what? Entertainment? Between all the incarcerations, rehabs, leg spreading, and partying, you may as well be watching a soap opera - and yes, that's the level to which watching these people melt down or flair up has gotten to...the sublimely ridiculous. Believe me when I say that these people are hardly the most interesting lot, and there have been plenty of times I've been around LA seeing celebrities and there's no throng of leeches snapping away. so how's that possible? Maybe they invite it on themselves? No, Diana did not ask for a high speed ball of metallic automotive death, but every asshole celebrity that has to shop the same 1000 yards of Robertson is not only overspending for their wardrobe, but putting themselves into the limelight.

Actors and musicians are an egotistical, narcisistic, shallow, stupid lot who constantly require validation, which your multiple cat-owning secrataries of the world give them in spades thanks to a derth of shutterbugs. If you really want laws against these vermin, offer hunting licenses for them. You'll see less of them out, I guarentee you, once a few of them take some slugs from a .22 rifle.

I'm A Straight Up Terrorist

Get Your War On has been animated by 23/6, and it's an incredibly successful adaptation, keeping the low-fi look and feel while still doing more than presenting the individual panels as slides in an animated PowerPoint. This is the first episode in the series to come...