Sly

Even bringing my laptop to work, I can't get onto the secure system (that I have the passcode to) for interweb. I may have the black tech thumb, but it pays to be sneaky.

Another Worthless Award

Isn’t it time Julia Roberts got an award?

The American Cinematheque thinks so, as they present her with their 22nd annual tribute. It must be for her stirring role in Ocean’s Twelve, and the amazing voice-over work she did in Charlotte’s Web and The Ant Bully – because that’s all she’s been up to in the last three years.

The American Cinematheque owns and operates two Los Angeles theaters that show classic, experimental and non-mainstream films and videos. Is a Roberts retrospective coming up? None of her work is classic or experimental, what with all the ailing women, ingénues in peril, and chirpy romantic leaded she plays as a standard.

Don’t feel bad if you are not invited, AMC will televise the even in December. Now I don’t know what is worse – having to watch one of her films or two hours of backslapping congratulations over her films.

I would, however, watch a Sandra Bullock / Julia Roberts JELL-O wrestling match for the definitive title of “America’s Sweetheart” - and would there be a steel cage rehab Spears-Lohan undercard?

He'll Keep It In A Lockbox

Cheated former presidential candidate and eight year Vice President Al Gore nabbed the 2007 Nobel Peace Prize, sharing it with the U.N.'s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change for their efforts to spread awareness of man-made climate.

Gore, who also won an Academy Award earlier this year for his documentary An Inconvenient Truth, was favored to win the prize. Never has a man’s work presenting a movie about a slide show been so critically praised.

Skeptics who have challenged the global warming impact from man and the honoring of Gore are missing the larger mystery – how does a world peace prize turn into the green awards?

According to the Nobel Committee, global warming "may induce large-scale migration and lead to greater competition for the Earth's resources. Such changes will place particularly heavy burdens on the world's most vulnerable countries. There may be increased danger of violent conflicts and wars, within and between states."

Wow, that’s a stretch.

Clearly, we are threatened by Eskimos and penguins who will be looking to usurp our habitat once global warming destroys their polar lands. Or is it that the populous at the Equator will run for the hills in an attempt to stay cool when the temperatures rise? Is Waterworld a reality we’re just not giving enough credence to? Well, now that we’re giving awards for things people do in anticipation of hypothetical models dreamed up by the Nobel Committee, I expect to be a finalist in next year’s selection for my long dedication to work with women in the 24-33 age range. In a world where so many women can no longer alone in crying after sex, have my tears been shed for naught?

Nutty!

For everybody who asked for one comprehensive site on the interweb to see a collection of nutshots in comic books, well, this one goes out to you...

Cartastic

Oldey-timey, but terrific.

He Likes To Eat Mexican

An aspiring horror novelist was arrested after police discovered his girlfriend's torso in his closet, a leg in the refrigerator and bones in a cereal box.

Jose Luis Calva told police he had boiled some of his girlfriend's flesh but that he hadn't eaten it. He told police he was a writer and poet — officers found the draft of a novel titled "Cannibalistic Instincts," he said.

Investigators were trying to determine if chunks of fried meat found in a pan in the apartment were human, the spokesman said.

Police came to Calva's Mexico City apartment Monday after neighbors reported a fetid smell. They discovered the dismembered body of his girlfriend Alejandra Galeana in a closet. The family of Galeana reported her missing on Friday and told police of her relationship with Calva.

Calva is being investigated in the killings of two other women, including an ex-girlfriend whose dismembered body was found in 2004, and an unidentified prostitute who was killed earlier this year. When he tried to run from police to avoid arrest, he was struck by a car (seen above) and hospitalized.

When You Can't Stay Home From School

A home-schooled teenager who felt bullied amassed a cache of guns, knives and hand grenades and tried to recruit another boy for a possible school attack, authorities said Thursday.

The 14-year-old was taken into custody after police searched his bedroom in a Philadelphia suburb on Wednesday evening. He had talked about mounting a Columbine-type attack at Plymouth Whitemarsh High School.

The weapons included a 9mm assault rifle that the teenager's mother had recently bought for him, as well as 30 air-powered guns, plus swords, knives, hand grenades, and a bomb-making book. Videos of the 1999 Columbine attack and violence-filled notebooks, as well as the weapons were plainly visible in the boy's bedroom.

I'm still laughing at what a loser this kid is. Bullied? You're home schooled! I guess you can blame the parents, especially when they're buying the kid weaponry.

Smoked Out

California motorists will risk fines of up to $100 next year if they are caught smoking in cars with minors, making their state the third to protect children in vehicles from secondhand smoke.

Welcome to fascist America.

Gov. Schwarzenegger signed a bill that will make it an infraction to smoke in a vehicle if someone under age 18 is present. But the traffic stop would have to be made for another offense, such as speeding or an illegal turn, before the driver could be cited for smoking. I'm sure there won't be any unnecessary stops made by police just to bang out this extra ticket.

The ban takes effect Jan. 1, joins a string of smoking prohibitions adopted in California, including a ban on smoking in enclosed workplaces and within 25 feet of a playground.

A Harvard School of Public Health report issued last year said secondhand smoke in cars can be up to 10 times more of a health risk than secondhand smoke in a home.

At least 20 states and a number of municipalities have considered limiting smoking in cars where minors are present. Arkansas now bans smoking in cars with children age 6 and younger, while Louisiana has limited it when children 13 and younger are in the vehicle. Both states coincidentally have some of the lowest ages of consent and illiteracy. Yes, the threat is second hand smoke.

Yes, smoking is bad and nasty to have to endure when you're not a smoker, but at what point do people have privacy and a reasonable expectation to live unregulated. Coming next, feeding fast food to minors as a misdemeanor.

Scan This

Cavity searches by angry minorities may be a thing of the past at the airport.

Tests were scheduled to begin Thursday at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport with passengers pulled out of the security line for secondary screening. And no, the screening process was not at all connected with the death of Carol Gotbaum some weeks ago. Passengers may request the full-body scan — which blurs faces so the person being screened cannot be recognized — instead of the traditional pat-down used across the country. The new machine uses radio waves to detect foreign objects.

Since February, airport has been testing a similar machine that uses so-called backscatter radiation to scan the entire body. The backscatter uses a narrow, low-intensity x-ray beam that's scans the entire body at a high speed. The amount of radiation used during this scan is equal to 15 minutes of exposure to natural background radiation such as the sun's rays, or a tanning bed, if you live in LA.

Officials are trying to determine if the body-scan machines are a more effective search tool than a pat-down. Both types of machines check for explosives, metal, plastic and liquids — anything hidden on the body.

The new type of device being tested, called a "millimeter wave" machine, doesn't use radiation - it uses electromagnetic waves to create an image based on energy reflected from the body. A person walks into a large portal — nearly 9 feet tall and 6 feet wide — pauses and lifts his arms while the machine takes two scans using radio waves. The scans take 1.8 seconds, and it takes about a minute for the image to appear on a computer screen in a separate location.

To protect privacy, the image will be shown on screens in a completely different area than where the screening is taking place. The TSA officer doing the screening will never see the computer image, and images will not be saved, TSA spokeswoman Ellen Howe said.

Reporters were only shown an example of a female body image, which was a three-dimensional image of a very fit woman in her brassiere and underwear. TSA describes this as similar to a "fuzzy photo negative." But privacy advocates say the images are more graphic than that.

"If you want to see a naked body, this is a naked body," said Barry Steinhardt, director of the American Civil Liberties Union's program on technology and liberty. If that's the case, you can go see some naked peeps at Amsterdam Schiphol Airport and the Alexandria, Va., federal courthouse, who both use the millimeter wave machines.

Total Recall? Yeah, we're there now.

A Natural Beauty

Charlize Theron is Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive this year.

Fortunately she cleans up well.

Rendezvous With Ramadan

Fundamentalism has reached new heights...literally.

A Malaysian astronaut spending the last days of Ramadan in space has vowed to follow the vigorous prayer and fasting rituals of the Muslim faith.

The mission initially presented a dilemma. Little things, like praying five times daily when your spacecraft goes around Earth 16 times in 24 hours. Do the math and realize that 80 prayers ends up taking the whole day. That, and the virtually impossibility of facing Mecca continuously in a craft traveling in excess of 17,000 mph. Muslims are required to wash their hands, feet, face and hair before prayers — yet water is so precious on the international space station that even sweat and urine are recycled.

To get around these problems, 150 Malaysian scholars, scientists, and astronauts brainstormed and published an 18-page booklet of guidelines for Muslim astronauts. That's a lot for a few days of Allah in space. Just imagine how much thought and work they put in to suppressing women's rights on Earth every day. Still, you can't plan on taking jihad into the universe if you can't work it out in orbit. And damn it, Saturn's got it coming!

Medical Hangover

Aussie doctors said they plugged a poisoned Italian tourist into a vodka drip after running out of the medicinal alcohol they would normally have used to save his life. Hair of the dog?

The 24 year old Italian was diagnosed as having ingested a large quantity of ethylene glycol, a common ingredient in antifreeze. Pure alcohol is often given in treating such cases because it can inhibit the toxic effects of ethylene glycol, and when the pharmaceutical-grade alcohol supply at the hospital ran out they switched to a vodka cocktail via nasogastric tube.

"The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit," doctors said. "The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka." The patient made a successful recovery, but was pretty trashed after those three days.

The incident occurred about two months ago, though the hospital just released information on the case - likely since students are back in school and will now be inspired to try their own alcohol drips.

Black Thumb

I totally killed my computer at work. No interweb. No doing work. No nothing.

Sadness surrounds me...but clearly I am resourceful enough to get to my blog.

Dork Knight

The dialogue of Frank Miller's epic The Dark Knight Returns meets the imagery of the Adam West era Batman...it's about time.

Dumb As An Actor

Rehab is this the new black, and it's so wonderful to see the stars embrace their dysfunction and weak willed behavior for all to see. So hearing La Lohan tell us how "sobering" rehab was, well, that's just a gem.

Later today, students will be discussing how educational school was.

Oh No Yoko

Yoko Ono urged the world to give her art peace a chance, unveiling the Imagine Peace Tower.

On what would have been husband John Lennon's 67th birthday, the "artist" traveled to Videy Island in Iceland to inaugurate the tower, a stories-tall beam of light that will radiate from a wishing well bearing the words "imagine peace" in 24 languages. Brilliant! (the light, not the art)

The plan is for the tower to be lit each year between Oct. 9 and Dec. 8, marking Lennon's birthday and death day. How morbidly unnecessary and symbolically obvious. Hey John, you're alive -- shine. Whoops, you're dead...lights out.

According to Ono, she came up with the concept for the light tower in 1965, and that Lennon was interested. Sure. He was looking to nail some crazy artistic Japanese tail, and he did so many drugs during the latter Beatles era that he probably didn't know if you were really Asian or if it was too many drugs.

Yoko is the original rock lottery winner, and the only reason anybody cares about what she does is because Lennon was on top of her. Her art and music are unimpressive and could belong to anyone. Everything she does is in Lennon's name or relating to him, since she's irrelevant otherwise.

Hard Boiled

Rybot finally saw the John Woo classic Hard Boiled. He says it's highly quotable.

Son Of Bird Juice

In a stunning combination of what would happen if Big Bird and the Kool-Aid Man fornicated a line of clothing, leave it to Posh Spice Beckham to defy taste and put the thing on.

Commercial Art

Sony made already made a badass Bravia commercial with hundreds of thousands of superballs bounding down a San Fancisco hill in slow mo, but their next move? Rabbits.

Art duo Kozyandan need not wonder why Sony never got back in touch after requesting a portfolio from them. Talent borrows, genius steals. Sorry kids, that's how it goes, but you still get props from me.

Freedom's Douchebag

Southwest Airlines -- fly the fashionable skies!

Their latest turn as Mr. Blackwell resulted in the need to apologize to a Florida passenger after an employee forced him to change out of a sexually suggestive T-shirt or risk getting thrown off the plane. The incident comes on the heels of a public uproar created by telling a woman on a flight in July that her outfit was too revealing for her to fly.

The issue of in-flight attire moved into the national spotlight when college student Kyla Ebbert showed up for a Southwest flight in July wearing a denim miniskirt and a summer sweater over a tank top. An employee objected and asked her to change or leave the plane and get new clothes. If you peep the picture, you'll notice Southwest's uniforms from the 70's, which seem to be far more risque than a tank and miniskirt combo. Ebbert was allowed to fly after agreeing to alter her outfit, but the airline later apologized, offering Ebbert free tickets and tried to make light of the mix-up in humorous advertising. She declined the tickets.

After the Ebbert encounter, Southwest President Colleen Barrett sent employees a generally worded e-mail reminding them that the airline has no dress code, which they remembered for all of two months. Joe Winiecki said he was sitting in the last row of a flight when an employee told him he had to change his T-shirt, turn it inside out or get off the plane. The brilliant shirt uses double entendre to promote a fictional fishing tackle shop in the Virgin Islands, with large lettering that reads "Master Baiter." Get it? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Winiecki argued that the airline was violating his right to free speech but changed rather than risk getting kicked off the flight and missing a day of work.

"It's really disappointing in this country when I can't travel from Ohio to Florida with the clothes on my back," Winiecki said. "Who's to say what's offensive and what's not?" Yes, the American Dream, boiled down to a Columbus-to-Tampa flight.

Southwest, like many other airlines, has language in its contract of carriage to reserve the right to deny service to customers who are abusive or threatening, or whose clothing is "lewd, obscene or patently offensive." But clearly they have an open door policy for assholes and douchebags. I hate to say the company has no business telling customers what to wear, but they don't. That doesn't mean that it's not crass, juvenile, and patently offensive with it's stupidity.

There's a thing I consider Contractor Culture, and unclever sexual puns on t-shirts are a big part of it. In addition to the the Big Dogs / No Fear style of "tough guy" shirts, there's also the Big Johnson type and novelty brand like ol' Joe's sweet garment. References to your junk, how big it is, and how well you use it, coupled with cartoony illustrations of overly well endowed women is lame. Grown men wearing that clothing is the same as advertising your low IQ and lack of refinement. For some reason it's usually found on guys wearing denim shorts, who drive pick up trucks, and are some form of contractor. It's like the construction and home building unions have mandated it as an off-duty uniform.

The white trash aspect of it is overwhelmingly clear, and so unnecessary to promote. Yes, you're a guy who likes to drink shitty American beer and has all the comedic depth of a grade school fart joke. Work is just something you do when you're not on your boat / quad runner / RV / dumpy white trash girlfriend. It's a living cliche, and a bad one at that. There's nothing wrong being blue collar, but there's a fine line before the sleeves are cut off. So Joe, now you are up there with Larry Flynt and Lenny Bruce fighting for our First Amendment rights - an American hero, and not just some jerk off with a shirt about jerking off.

Honeymoon In Vegas

Living Barbie doll Pamela Anderson took all the time and thought a third-time bride should when deciding to get married in-between her evening shows as a Las Vegas magician’s assistant (yes, she finally has a job perfectly tailored to what little talent she has).

The 40 year old skank made herself an honest woman with Rick Salomon, whose biggest claim to anything remotely resembling fame is as the cock du jour in Paris Hilton’s “Night Vision Express” sex tape. Anderson, having slowly crept down the ladder of success with marriages to Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, joins Salomon in an unexplainable pairing that is likely to end before she goes in for her next boob job tune up.

I know that Hollywood folk are shallow, vapid individuals who operate on pure narcissism, but between the list of crotches the two of them have laid horizontally, shouldn’t some kind of decorum have inspired one of them to avoid the other? You are sleeping with everyone the other person has slept with, and that assemblage of partners should have scared one of them off. And what about some kind of super STD being created? If any loins are going to shoot out the sexual doomsday bug its Pam Anderson’s. When the marriage license was granted last week, why didn’t the CDC look into the situation?

In lieu of gifts, the happy couple requests that donations be given to the Downtown Las Vegas Free Clinic. Bottles of unopened herpes medication are also welcome, care of the actress at Planet Hollywood Resort.

Kingly Weekend

Opening home game for my LA Kings this weekend!

Even though they're not projected to finish too high, they dropped their deadweight goalie, kept their young talent, and brought in some seasoned vets. While the prognosticators have a fair sense of knowledge and experience, they continue to cream over teams that they pick to take the Stanley Cup, but don't. The suckbags in Anaheim were the last team in three years to have won having started the season with a chance, so I can't give opinions too much stock - other than my own.

After spliting a pair in England with the defending champions, I look forward to a home victory against St. Louis, who sports former LA coach Andy Murray. If the team looks as good on the ice as do on paper there ought to be a lot more W's and the chance to finally exercise the post-season option on my seats.

Chinese Harvest

Chinese medical officials agreed Friday not to transplant organs from prisoners or others in custody, except into members of their immediate families. Now that's Chinese democracy!

The agreement was reached at a meeting of the World Medical Association in Copenhagen. China has acknowledged that kidneys, livers, corneas and other organs are routinely removed from prisoners sentenced to death row, but officials insist that this only happens when consent is provided. Execution in China is also considered consensual, and their policy of billing the family for the bullet will remain unchanged.

The Chinese Medical Association said it would work to strengthen the management of organ transplantation and prevent possible violations of the Chinese government's regulations.

The underground organ trade in China has been a notorious supplier of organs to foreigners desperately in need of transplants, who make up as much as 40% of the market. Brokers regularly arrange transplants in weeks rather than the months or years it generally takes in the West. With the Chinese appearing to leave the black market, Brazil and other South American countries will surely pick up the slack.

Health officials say the country faces a severe organ shortage, estimating that 1.5 million people need transplants in China each year, and that only about 10,000 operations are carried out. The number of people facing shortages of food, electricity, and freedom has not been addressed, but numbers in the tens of millions.

Hamburgler

If your double cheeseburger is soon no longer 99¢, now you'll know why.

A jury awarded $6.1 million to a woman who said she was forced to strip in a McDonald's back office after someone called the restaurant posing as a police officer.

Louise Ogborn had sued, claiming the fast-food giant failed to warn her and other employees about the caller who already struck other McDonald's stores and fast-food restaurants across the country. Ogborn had originally sought $200 million, and while losing far less, McDonald's is evaluating whether to appeal the decision

"While we are disappointed with the verdict, we remain vigilant in our efforts to protect our employees and provide them with a safe and respectful workplace," said Grimace, a spokesman for McDonald's USA.

In Ogborn's lawsuit, she said someone called the restaurant in Mount Washington impersonating a police officer and gave a description of a young, female employee, accusing her of stealing from a customer. The caller instructed an employee to strip search the woman, according to testimony. Forced to undress, endure a strip search, and to perform sexual acts, the events were captured on surveillance video...which was shown to jurors during the trial. Oh, that shameful little thing that happened at your shitty minimum wage job -- we're going to show it to a room full of strangers, but it could earn you millions.

The story is obviously more complicated, as a former assistant manager was placed on probation for a misdemeanor conviction in relation to the incident, and her former fiance is serving five years in prison for sexually abusing Ogborn during the search. For that kind of money, you can pour McNugget sauce on me and parade me through the drive-thru. Six mil gets you a very happy meal...

Greco

Fraternities -- not just for date rape and kegstands!

A growing new movement in Greek life is attempting to refine the animal persona that has dogged the system for generations. Or is that legacies?

Nationally, programs such as Beta Theta Pi's "Men of Principle," Lambda Chi Alpha's "True Brother Initiative" and the Sigma Phi Epsilon "Balanced Man" effort seek a return to the roots of campus Greek life. Organizers talk of honor, virtue, scholarship, civic engagement and other core values. Where there were once panty raids, keg parties and indiscriminate sex, there are now trips to the opera, morning yoga sessions, wine tastings and documentary film screenings.

Welcome to Queer Eye For The Frat Guy.

After decades of wrestling with the stigma and the legal liabilities created by alcohol abuse, cheating, poor grades, and hazing, fraternities are looking to both reinvent and restore the Greek identity. Many national chapters are eliminating the pledge system and brutal hazing rituals in order to gain respectability to potential members. Now, GPAs and an appreciation of more cultural pursuits are empathized over loafing about and partying. Not that it has been easily accepted -- some decided to leave the system but others not usually interested in the "typical" frat experience have filled their ranks.

The Greek system can do and say whatever they want to clean up their image, but it will always be an elitist network of douchebags who need to buy their friends rather than seek them out and earn them. No amount of exposure to activities that are deeper than throwing a football around is going to make those meatheads gentlemen or scholars. Like joining Scientologists, Nazis, or the Republican Party, it's voluntarily giving into an agenda, identity, and perspective that is clearly defined. And frat boys and sorority girls are just as bad as any of those.

Big Mamas

Obese women can gain little or no weight during pregnancy — and even lose a few pounds — without harming their babies, new research suggests. Good news chunky!

The study showed that porcine mothers who put on less than the recommended 15 pounds were less likely to develop pregnancy-related high blood pressure or deliver by Caesarean section and more likely to have a normal-weight baby. The Institute of Medicine, which issued the weight guidelines in 1990, is about to consider changing them as a result.

Using information from birth certificates, the study analyzed the pregnancies of more than 120,000 tubby women from Missouri (no surprise there) to see how weight gain affected their blood pressure, C-sections and the baby's birth weight. Generally, obesity increases a woman's risk of miscarriage and other serious complications such as gestational diabetes.

It turned out 23% of the women gained less than 15 pounds, 31% gained 15 to 25 pounds and nearly half gained more than 25 pounds. Those who gained less had better outcomes. Who would have thought it was better to grind those platters of chili fries down before you get knocked up instead of after?

Researchers say the study's strengths are its size (get it?) — drawing from an entire state — and that it is the first to look at different levels of obesity, "not a lumping of all obese women together," said Harvard med school professor Dr. Emily Oken. How awesome is that she said lumping with obese women?

Amateur OB/GYN that I am, it is not too difficult to see that these blimps are okay not adding the extra weight in pregnancy because it's already there. Skinny bitches (that's the term they prefer) have to bulk up to keep that baby cozy, but lardasses are already stocked with all the cushy accouterments a fetus likes.

Other than to make a couple of fat insults, I post this to share my wonder that guys are humping on the fatties. Then again, it is Missouri, so I'm glad to see it's not livestock.

Rick Rolled Alert

Scartoe warned of getting Rick Rolled, and I will pass caution unto you.

Look if you dare, but you may never be the same. Never.

yes, this is what could happen

Fish Belly

Pregnant and breast-feeding women should eat at least 12 ounces of fish and other seafood a week because the benefits for infant brain development outweigh any worries about mercury contamination, a group of U.S. experts announced. This contradicts U.S. government warnings that these women should consume no more than 12 ounces of fish and other seafood weekly due to concerns that mercury can harm the nervous system of fetuses, and might exist in trace amounts in those foods. The government was wrong? Why, that's never happened before!

The recommendations were issued in partnership with the National Healthy Mothers, Healthy Babies Coalition, whose members include the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Agriculture Department, the March of Dimes, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and others. The coalition said the threat of mercury poisoning has scared many pregnant women into not eating fish at all, robbing them and their babies of vital nutrients like omega-3 fatty acids, which are important for brain and motor skill development in children and can help prevent postpartum depression in mothers.

Complicating the message is the revelation that the coalition received $60,000 from a seafood industry trade group, but the experts defended the independence of their work. I once took $326 from a South Korean grocer to badmouth a North Korean market across the street, but it was totally legit -- their dog was not served fresh as advertised.

"There has been no case of fetal mercury toxicity due to fish consumption reported in the United States." Um, okay...how about a little booze for the pregnant ladies too? Alcohol is proven to help create pregnancies -- can it be that bad during?

"There are some fish that have been shown to be higher in mercury and in other important trace elements such as shark and swordfish," the group said. "Those might be sources of fish women still might want to stay away from. But the vast majority of fish out there present in the U.S. diet, those are generally very healthy fishes."

The experts also cited a study published in February finding that children whose mothers ate more fish and other seafood while pregnant were smarter and had better developmental skills than those whose mothers ate less or none. Children whose mothers were eaten by fish were excluded from the study.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration and U.S. Environmental Protection Agency issued advisories in 2001 and 2004 telling women who were pregnant, breast-feeding or trying to become pregnant, as well as young children, to eat no more than 12 ounces weekly of some types of fish due to mercury concerns. However, estimates on the dangers posed by mercury come from people exposed in chemical spills, and no major studies have shown that mercury from food or vaccines has caused brain damage to mothers or children.

Of course, there's always surrogate mothers -- then you can eat whatever the hell you want and just wait for that baby to get delivered to your doorstep, like Chinese takeout.

Chico Stupido

I can't get published for my life, but seeing print is the story of Pope Benedict XVI's life -- as told through the eyes of a tabby cat.

In "Joseph and Chico: A Cat Recounts the Life of Pope Benedict XVI," the titular orange tabby cat tells readers the pope is "my dearest friend, a wonderful man with whom I've spent many happy moments." What the hell kind of feline dogmatic propaganda is this?

The book depicts the future pope's early steps in the Catholic Church, from when he entered a seminary in 1939 to his ordination as a priest in 1951. Chico, who is not one to shy away from touchy subjects, also discusses Nazi era Germany, when a teenaged Ratzinger enrolled in the Hitler Youth. "In that period, Joseph was forced to do something that absolutely went against his will: enroll in the Army and leave for war," it says.

The biography ends with Pope John Paul II's funeral and Benedict's election to the pontificate on in April 2005. "Now Joseph Ratzinger is not only my friend, but the great friend and leader of all Catholics," Chico says. Thanks, cat! When you're not stealing breath from babies or crossing peoples paths, I guess you're pretty knowledgeable and trustworthy. Got any career advice, or ideas on fashion?

"I can assure you that what you will find in this book ... is all true and interesting," Benedict's secretary, Monsignor Georg Gaenswein, says in the preface of the book. Just like the Bible! And a cat that does narration -- that makes Jesus look like a bore!

Little known until now, Benedict likes cats. Before he became pope, he looked after stray cats in his old neighborhood near the Vatican. I don't know if that's a polite way of saying he used to torture them like a 7 year old boy, but that just sounds a little weird. I hear he also was fond of teenage runaways...it sure would make the torture angle seem more plausible. It is said Chico is inspired by a real orange tabby cat in Pentling where Ratzinger lived before moving to Rome in 1981. I knew you couldn't make something like an orange tabby up! Maybe a calico point, but not a tabby.

Unfortunately, the book is only being released in Italy, but let's hope it makes it's way over here soon. It sounds like literary gold.

Minority Act-colades

Hollywood would break it's arm trying to pat itself on the back if it wasn't so busy using it to stroke itself constantly, but it continues to make up bogus awards and honors.

The Hollywood Reporter and Billboard announced America Ferrera as the Hispanic Woman Of The Year. The Ugly Betty actress and 25 other Hispanic women in film, television and music will be gathered next week at the inaugural Hispanic Women in Entertainment breakfast.

Sadly, this new award overlooks some of the finer leaders in the Hispanic entertainment of the past, like the traumatized female freedom fighter in Predator, or the woman who played Rosario in Gotcha!. I'll never forget how she said, "Jonathan no home".

According to the trade magazine's publisher, Ferrera "is a leader for all women, but especially those in the Hispanic community."

A 23 year old actress is a leader for all women? Hey Famous Mom, y'know those 30 years you've taught grade school to inner city kids and minorities? Well, not as impressive or important as a girl who sits in a luxury trailer in between takes pretending for the camera. College and masters degrees are nice to put on the wall, but you can't even compare that to a Groundlings workshop or a couple of weeks at Stella Adler. By the way, that's why Nielsen doesn't do ratings for the educational system...not enough advertising dollars.

Hollywood, you have lost your fucking mind.

Never mind real female leaders, like Maria Elena Lagomasino, CEO of Asset Management Advisors, which oversees more than $10 billion in assets and over 200 employees at 11 offices. She also sits on the boards of organizations like Avon, the National Geographic Society, and the Lincoln Theatre. Strangely, she too was named Hispanic Woman Of The Year, but that was by people outside of Hollywood, which means it doesn't mean anything.

Maria Azua, Vice-President of Technology and Innovation at IBM, Carmela Castellano-Garcia, Chief Executive Officer of California Primary Care Association, Grace Lieblein, Chief Vehicle Engineer at GM, Maria Martinez, Vice-President of Microsoft Worldwide Services -- let us know when you get a shitty sitcom and then we'll talk.

Product Placement

Let David Lynch set the record straight.

Monster Of The Bride

Crypt Keeper Sarah Jessica Parker really knows how to fill out a wedding dress! It's close, but the she-beast still manages to be uglier than the hideous couture gown she's in. Couture, by the way, is French for "revoltingly bad clothing design". And really, white for the bride? As if...

I just get pissed off every time I think about this fucking movie being made. Women who see this film would be better off getting shot in the head with those spring-loaded bolt guns they terminate cattle with than have the utter fantasy world of these hags exposed to them. You know that experiment where you put a penny in a glass of soda for a week? That's what happens to your soul and conscious if you see the film -- total rot. This movie will do for repulsing men from crusty middle-aged whores what Leni Riefenstahl did for the Nazi party. I would have sex with a cheese grater and spend a day at a Scientology seminar before I would give five minutes time to this movie or any woman like the ones in it.

A League Of Their Own

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

In an unlikely partnership, two advocacy groups from opposite political traditions are sitting down to talk. Tired of foreign wars and what they consider right-wing courts, the Middlebury Institute wants liberal states like Vermont to be able to secede peacefully. That sounds just fine to the League of the South, a conservative group that refuses to give up on southern independence.

"We believe that an independent South, or Hawaii, Alaska, or Vermont would be better able to serve the interest of everybody, regardless of race or ethnicity," said Michael Hill, president of the League of the South.

The two groups are co-hosting a two day Secessionist Convention in Chattanooga starting today. Why am I not surprised the secessionists are free on a weekday? No word yet in whose apartment it will be held in, but that should not effect the opening night banquet at Subway.

Even though the two groups differ on some of their goals, they agree they are lunatics who want to be autonomous republics outside the aegis of the United States. So, is Vermont going to capitalize on their maple syrup and cheddar business in a bid for sovereignty, and is there enough for them to offer up to get an army to defend themselves? I hear Connecticut has been making some aggressive overtones.

Hunting Season Opens

Soldiers said they were hunting pro-democracy protesters in Myanmar Wednesday, as military police pulled people out of their homes during the night.

Hunting humans? This beats the piss out of Ted Nugent's bow hunting! So...what's the limit? Two protesters? Three? Is that counting monks, or just foreign reporters?

Military vehicles patrolled the streets before dawn with loudspeakers blaring that: "We have photographs. We are going to make arrests!" Yikes! And I just signed up for Facebook there too!

If ever there was a time you wanted to see some friendly fire and a hunting accident, this would be the time. If only Evil Dick had given these soldiers some shotgun training...

Married Dating

Is being married keeping you from meeting the guy or girl of your dreams? Not anymore!

AshleyMadison.com bills itself (and you) as a discrete website that allows single married folks the opportunity to find like minded people, who are looking for a little something more in a relationship...and not the one they're in.

When I heard it being discussed on the radio this morning, I realized that all of the niche interweb dating sites had finally been created. And I don't have a problem with it.

Founder Daniel Morgenstern admits that infidelity has been around as long as marriage, and since people are going to look outside their marriage for the bliss they require, why not provide a forum for consenting adults to cultivate a relationship. Okay, I'm with you so far. As Morgenstern (who happens to be married) sees it, a divorce is final long before it ends up in court, and likewise the troubles of a relationship exist outside of the services the website offers. In fact, he feels that going through the online process and taking the time to reflect on what one is doing can actually benefit a relationship if they realize they do not want an infidelity.

Y'know, I'm still not seeing a flaw here.

Slick as he is, there's no marketing good enough to make people cheat in their marriage. Relationships in trouble are just that. With an estimated 70% of men cheating in some form and 50% of women, it's no wonder that half of marriages fail. While his site does sound like a 90's pornstar, I applaud his savvy for making the site. Having cheated in a relationship and been cheated on in the past, I understand the issues -- even if I don't agree with them or feel it's a proper, healthy move. People are at fault for their actions, whether they drink, do drugs, steal, or cheat -- the objects of their desire are not to blame.

Remind me of this when my wife cheats on me, okay...

MolesterSpace

Before he did a watered down AM drive time program with the crown prince of obnoxious douches (Danny Bonaduce -- his name even says it!), the gleeful wit and wisdom of Adam Carolla was inscrutable. My favorite observational bit was the game of "Germany or Florida", where callers would submit tales of criminal misbehaviour from the news that featured any blend stupidity, nudity, injury, and socio-moral corruption, and he and the rest of the on-air gang would try and guess where it took place. According to Carolla, all deviant behavior was centered in either Florida or Germany, and the two were such wellsprings of such that it would be difficult to know which was which if you took out the names and locations. Ever since then, I've noticed how the majority of those kind of stories come out of Florida...and this is one of them.

Fifteen year old Alyssa Frank was found safe in the Florida Panhandle a day after she disappeared with an at-large high risk sex offender she met on Myspace.com.

William Joe Mitchell, who is 46, met the girl online and cultivated a relationship. Frank believed Mitchell was 24, which is clearly understandable. Teenage girls have the good sense to stay away from people who are in their forties, but making friends with folks almost almost a decade older sounds okay to me. Really, how different are 15 and 24 year olds anyway?

Found appropriately at a Wal-Mart, Frank told officials that Mitchell said he was going somewhere for about 5 minutes, and that if she drew any attention to herself he was going to kill her. Officials believe his intent, however, was to drop her off. It is thought the pair also crossed into Alabama, which would generate possible federal charges against the middle-aged interweb Cassanova.

Alyssa snuck out of her house around 3 a.m. Monday and was reported missing a short while later. "Alyssa contacted some of her friends and said that she was running away," local sheriffs said before she was found. "When they asked, 'Well, why are you running away?' She told them 'for love.'" Not guilty! Love is a totally understandable motive for any crime. Why do you think they call rape a crime of passion? Well, that's what the Sigma Deltas call it.

The genteel Mitchell had 14 prior arrests on charges including burglary, aggravated assault with a weapon, grand larceny, bomb threats, extortion and offense or offer of lewdness and lewd and lascivious behavior. What's not to love?

Ironically, Frank ran away just a day after a new Florida law took effect, making the state's sex predator penalties some of the toughest in the nation. Why would that state have such strong laws, unless...? Nah, must be a coincidence. The law requires offenders to register e-mail and instant message handles with authorities, information that will be shared with social networking sites like Myspace.com. The state also tripled the maximum sentences to 15 years for soliciting minors for sex and possessing child pornography.

Thankfully, young Frank is safely at home, where her parents can continue to neglect her and not teach her basic common sense, like beware of interweb predators. Maybe letting stupid children get duped by web creeps is a good way to thin the herd. Parents that don't reinforce the threat of the slime of the world and teens without the insight to retain that info are only going to get what's coming to them. Besides, I don't recall any 13 year olds who went cross country with a two time loser and later went on to become a rocket scientist, but maybe that's just my faulty memory.

The interweb is an adult place, where adults, not children deceive each other for sex crimes and psychological damage -- and that's the way it should be. August of 2000 was a blast, but thank God for restraining orders.

Tuesday Is For Freestyle Tuba

I am an interweb lemming, but some of you will see it here first because you do not want to get web filth on you. I don't blame you.

Banjo Goiter

'nuff said.

Sweep The Leg, Johnny

One of the best things about avoiding a Will Smith film is no Will Smith, but he's trying to make a whole new generation loathe the Smith name.

The word in Hollywood is that the cartoon-rapper turned actor is developing a vehicle for his nine year old to star in -- a remake of The Karate Kid. I got two words: fuck that.

I won't call the 1984 film sacred, but there's just some movies you should never remake from the 80's. Ferris Buller's Day Off and The Breakfast Club come to mind, too. Pat Morita is Mr. Miagyi, but if casting rumors are true, you can enjoy yourself a little Jackie Chan. This just continues to get worse.

Elisabeth Shue, Billy Zakba, hell, even Martin Kove -- this movie was perfectly cast and put together like only a slick 80's movie could be. And I don't care if Jaden Smith is doing Hamlet in Central Park, the magic of Ralph Macchio as Daniel is that he was a scrawny dork - no acting required. If they ever greenlight this thing, I hope they spend $100 million and bomb at the box office.

Watch this...you can't improve on it.

And while I'm at it, check out Sweep The Leg Johnny...they were an underexposed band with a raw sound, somewhere between Morphine and Turing Machine. This guy made a fanvid to one of their tunes, so there...

And Now, A Message From Michael Gross

He's a railfan.

Now boarding, ladies.

Bye Bye Baby

Should these children be flayed alive or run down by a wheat thresher?

That was the question before Judge Scott Gordon, as he ordered Britney Spears to surrender custody of sons Sean Preston and Jayden James to babydaddy father Kevin Federline. This was like that movie Sophie's Choice, right?

Beginning Wednesday, the virile K-Fed will have custody "until further order of the court." The order stemmed from an unspecified motion made by Federline's attorneys and was handled in a closed-door hearing. The order didn't state the reason for the change in custody and all transcripts of the proceedings were ordered sealed, because that's what judges can do.

Last month, Gordon said Spears engaged in "habitual, frequent and continuous use of controlled substances and alcohol," and ordered the former pop star to undergo random drug and alcohol testing twice a week as part of her ongoing custody dispute with Federline. She was also ordered to meet weekly with a "parenting coach" who was to observe and report back to the court about her parenting skills.

Since Spears became single, she's been a goddamn trainwreck with one bad situation after another. Partying with Paris Hilton. Repeated upskirt photos. Fatting out. Her bald meltdown. Rehab. Hanging out with Criss "Magic Douchebag" Angel. Her MTV Video Music Awards performance last month was a joke, and the following week, both her management firm dropped her and her divorce lawyer resigned. And that goes along with her misdemeanor counts of hit-and-run and driving without a valid license from August.

To me she's always been a no-talent pigface, but at least five years ago she could have been a bar skank that you didn't get too much harassment from your buddies for taking home. Now she's a something between The Beverly Hillbillies and every 25 year old mother of two who pole dances in Van Nuys. You gotta love a system that takes marginally talented kids and shapes a career around them while simultaneously duping every moron into buying a piece of it.

What kind of world do we live in where two malnourished and neglected children have their best chance of survival with K-Fed?

College Football Is Still A Farce

This is the second part in an informal series I have no interest in writing, but my dislike of the collegiate pigskin system compels me to, like a hearty aspiration after a night’s drinking.

Currently, more offensive that the culture and interest in amateur helmet touch is the media masturbation over every game. Here’s some of this weekend’s headlines:

K-State Pulls Off Shocker Over Longhorns

Colorado Rallies To Stun No. 3 Oklahoma

No. 1 USC Survives Washington 27-24

Syracuse Shocks No. 18 Louisville, 38-35

Oh, the hyperbole! Leave it to the same douchebag sportswriters who earn their coin fluffing average sporting events to drop the undefeated USC from their popularity contest national rankings. It makes me think that this group of mostly no-name scribes from small market newspapers is trying to break into the movie review business with their overly dramatic description of every game.

Good teams beat bad teams with regularity, but every outcome of every game should be contested, otherwise the system is unbalanced. Are teams literally in the same league with each other? The hundreds of colleges fielding teams can’t all be in the same class. Which begs the question of their rankings - how can there be such a influx of weekly movement and upsets? Clearly then, these idiots have no idea or qualification to rate and rank teams if every week Backwater State beats Big City University. NCAA basketball is just as lame, but at least they hold a tourney and pay attention to the W-L columns. It is a joke wrapped in athletic supports that shadows the legitimate world of professional sports. And speaking of, don’t get me started on fantasy sports leagues, which in general are a whole other form of awful. Let me say though that anybody who participates in college football fantasy leagues should be bludgeoned about the head with cleats immediately. Get a life or forfeit yours.

Honestly, I think one of the best college experiences I had was showing up to UCSB to find that the football program was cut. I’m so happy to have had a college experience that was untainted by pigskin. Well, except for that heavy girl who lived in the dorm sophomore year…

The Window Seat Is Now Available

A woman late to her plane who became irate, was put in handcuffs and later found dead in a holding cell. Fly those friendly skies!

Authorities were investigating if the woman choked herself while trying to get free from the handcuffs. I am investigating whether or not the appropriate response is sustained laughter or hearty chortling. Anybody who can manage to get a three inch chain connecting a pair of bracelets on their wrists up to their neck to accidentally choke themselves deserves to die. No sympathy for the stupid. Or the uncoordinated.

Carol Ann Gotbaum, was arrested Friday at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport after a conflict with gate crews who refused to allow her to board a plane to New York. The airline said the plane was already preparing to depart, and Gotbaum was rebooked on the next flight, but according to airline employees, "she became extremely irate, apparently running up and down the gate area." This further confirms my theory that in general New Yorkers think that they are entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it.

Officers handcuffed her because she was “very agitated and irate and angry," and took her to the holding room, where she kept screaming. Officers checked on her when she stopped screaming and found her unresponsive. A cause of death will be determined by the local medical examiner, and a nomination is likely for a Darwin Award. In order to spare thousands of other absolute idiots from earnest deaths, we suggest you arrive at least 90 minutes before any flight.

Money Uber Principles

I happily discovered that the Lizard will not be running for office, and true to his slimy form, his reasons are absolutely self serving.

The official response is that Newt Gingrich will not run for president in 2008 after since he could not legally explore a bid and remain as head of his tax-exempt political organization.

"Newt is not running," crony Rick Tyler said. "It is legally impermissible for him to continue on as chairman of American Solutions (for Winning the Future) and to explore a campaign for president." Gingrich decided "to continue on raising the challenges America faces and finding solutions to those challenges" as the group's chairman, Tyler said, "rather than pursuing the presidency."

If you can’t sort through that cleverly veiled subtext, let me help decode it.

Like all classic 20th century Republicans, he takes very seriously the duty of raising challenges, because without creating situations and problems for our country, there would be nothing for he and his ilk to have to find solutions to, or profit handsomely from. The name American Solutions (for Winning the Future) perfectly describes that cart-before-the-horse logic, and the last 25 years of right-wing presidents and congresses has exemplified that combination of bravado and retardation. But the biggest flag is his determination to adhere to the legality of keeping an income that is not violating or conflicting any of his interests.

When The Lizard announced he was full of good ideas and looking for the resources to communicate them, he didn’t realize that raising money publicly for elected office is far more scrutinized than the dealings of his private treasure chest. It has paid for Gingrich's travel and raised more than $3 million since October 2006. The organization also maintains a pollster and fundraiser, naturally, to keep Newty on point for generating money on hot topic causes.

Forget not that he has a contract with Fox News for commentaries and specials, and is a senior fellow at the conservative American Enterprise Institute. His daily radio broadcast airs over more than 400 stations and writes an online newsletter with 200,000. And the for-profit think tank, the Center for Health Transformation, well, that’s a cash cow that’s been working for almost a decade.

Give up all that money just to have every fart monitored and be considered presidential material? I think not.

While his marital infidelity with a congressional aide certainly gives The Lizard modern political credibility, it’s his greed for money above his so-called principles that vaults him to that stratum of scumbag that truly fits our political landscape. Kudos to the reptile that can be honest with himself and weigh a depleted bank account against a depleted morality – and for knowing that only a balance sheet can be replenished.