Goodbye 2008

A very happy and healthy new year to all. 2008 can suck it! Enjoy the night and be great in the year ahead!

He's Rockin' That New Year

We're all going to sound like that after a few bottles of champizzle.

Shut Yer Mouth

After last year's banned words list, there's a new set for 2009:

MAVERICK
FROM WALL STREET TO MAIN STREET
DESPERATE SEARCH
MONKEY (when used as a suffix)
GAME-CHANGING
CARBON FOOTPRINT or CARBON OFFSETTING
GREEN
BAILOUT
“WINNER OF FIVE NOMINATIONS.”
FIRST DUDE
ICON OR ICONIC
STAYCATION
NOT SO MUCH
IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN

Mixed Drink Menu

Be careful what you mix tonight...the results can be unfortunate.

One Man All-Star Review

It's Ennio Marchetto, as...uh, everybody.

Viacocks

It's battle of the network overlords, and no matter who wins, viewers lose.

Media giant Viacom Inc. said its Nickelodeon, MTV, Comedy Central and 16 other channels will go dark on Time Warner Cable Inc. at 12:01 a.m. Thursday if a new licensing fee deal is not agreed upon by then. Happy new year, bitches. Greed in 2009!

The impasse would mean 13 million subscribers would be cut off from those channels. Viacom has asked for fee increases of between 22% and 36% per channel, an amount that will almost certainly increase customers' cable bills. "The issue is that they have asked for an exorbitant increase in their carriage fees and their network ratings are sagging," Time Warner talking heads said. "Basically we're trying to hold the line for our customer."

Viacom said the increases would cost an extra 23 cents a month per subscriber — which works out to $35.9 million more in total profit. Their claim is that Americans spend a fifth of their TV time watching Viacom shows but its fees make up less than 2.5% of the Time Warner cable bill.

"We make this request because Time Warner Cable has so greatly undervalued our channels for so long. Ultimately, however, if Nickelodeon, Comedy Central, MTV and the rest of our programming is discontinued — over less than a penny per day — we believe viewers will see this behavior by their cable company as outrageous," Viacom douches said, and then accused Time Warner Cable of not negotiating. The network operator also intends to tell viewers about the dispute in TV ads in 11 major markets.

Given the economy, I think it's pretty shitty for any company to try and leverage for more dollars in an eleventh hour ploy. And if Time Warner caves, you can bet other companies are going to ask for more money when their contracts expire. So whether you miss programming or lose pennies one the dollar, one of those companies is going to prevail at your expense.

Bye Bye Barbie

The Los Angeles Kings have dropped dead weight acquired a seventh round selection in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft from the Vancouver Canucks in exchange for goaltender Jason LaBarbera.

"Jason has been a great teammate throughout his time in Los Angeles and he is a very good person," Assistant General Manager Ron Hextall said. "We decided to go in a different direction and we wish him the best going forward."

The Kings now have 14 total selections in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft, including two second round selections and four selections in the first three rounds.

LaBarbera played in 19 games with the Kings this season, and had a record of 5-8-4, a goals-against-average of 2.83 and a save-percentage of .893. His career with the Kings (and the New York Rangers) is 34-42-8 with four shutouts, a goals-against-average of 3.00 and a save-percentage of .901.

I knew LaBarbara was headed towards the exit since his contract was up at the end of the year and the excellent play of back-up (and now starting) goalie Erik Ersberg and a stable of young talent, but I'm surprised they shipped him out mid-season. He wasn't terrible, but over the last two years he had not developed into a solid starting netminder. At least they picked something up for him since they'd get nothing when he became free agent.

1-900-WTF

The YouTube info says it aired in the early '90s, but the YouTube info could say it was made by aliens and it would mean just as much, and there doesn't seem to be much about it on the rest of the internet. It looks like the early '90s, and when you think about it, real or not, that number is a genius idea -- why bother with the psychic nonsense, just skip straight to the crying that's going to happen anyway. Or, wait, does what you hear when you call the number actually MAKE you cry? Is this a Jesus thing? It would actually be just like '90s televangelists to charge $2/minute to hear the gospel. In the absence of further information, I'm just going to imagine there's a guy out there who calls his mansion "The house that crying built."

Whatever Happened To Those Kids From The Never Ending Story?

Everybody remembers that movie, right? And nobody could understand when Atreyu was yelling name of the princess, right? You recall cute, innocent Bastian? He was the loser tool of the film, reading the book while Atreyu was doing all the work. In other words, a huge vagina. So whatever happened to that little dude?

Barret Oliver starred in tons of movies in the 80’s. He was in D.A.R.Y.L where he played a creepy cyborg kid who hit lots of home runs. He was the grandson David in Cocoon. Where did he go? I think Cocoon 2: The Return is where this kid must have fallen off the deep end.

That cute little David wasn’t so cute anymore. In the sequel he played a dorky, loser teen who couldn’t hit a baseball for the life of him. The movie focused on his inner struggles of becoming a man and trying to fit in. So instead of doing normal things like smoking pot or getting drunk with the boys, David decided to hang out with his grandfather Wilford Brimley about 17 times a day. Even his Brims was like “dude, what the hell are you hanging around me for? Go get a chick and leave me alone you douche.”

Anyway, he looked very gawky in that movie and still does today. The last time anyone saw this guy was in 1989. Word is, he’s now teaching photography in Los Angeles. Is that not the most shitty ending you could possibly imagine to this story? Don't you wish he were a drug addict or on a reality show. Can we make a reality show with Barret Oliver? “Balls Out With Bastian.” Kind of like “Flavor of Love”, bit with no viking helmets.

Noah Hathaway may have fared better. Noah played Atreyu, and could quite possibly be one of the most badass movie heroes in history. Think about it...the kid barely registered in his teens! He was killing buffalo and fighting giant wolves before he even got pubes.

Perhaps a role like that ruins a man. Never able to recover, he was last sighted in 2003 at some nerd convention, covered in tattoos, married and getting ready to open up a chopper shop. As much as I can make fun of him I wouldn’t mess with the guy. He holds black belts in Tang Soo Do and Shotokan, and is currently learning American Kenpo. Here’s some more on him. Tell Artex we say hi.

Tacos And Champagne 2: Enter The Combo Plate

In what I am now making an annual tradition, I give you, tacos and champagne!

Since Scarlett and I are having NYE dinner with some friends, there's no room to do some T&C, so I bumped it up a day, because one can not dare miss the flour tortilla goodness or sweet bubbles.

Champocalypse now!

Kwanzaa Kwnasty

I've mentioned Cakewrecks before, but in the spirit of the holidays, they’ve highlighted a totally hideous Kwanzaa cake by Sandra Lee made with pre-made angel food cake, store-bought icing, and, obviously, corn nuts. Well, Sandra calls them “acorns” but the recipe calls for corn nuts. It also calls for popcorn and pumpkin seeds. It would appear the hate mail about this cake was so numerous that Food Network pulled the recipe.

The hate sites are pretty numerous, too. Here are a couple:
The Kwanzaa Cake and Other Edible Hate Crimes
Nobody Does it Like Sandra Lee
Random Access Babble

And, the infamous recipe:

1 (10 to 12-ounce) purchased angel food cake
1 container (16 ounce) vanilla frosting
2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 (21-ounce) container apple filling or topping
1 (1.7-ounce) package corn nuts
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds, toasted
1/2 cup popped popcorn

Special Equipment:
Kwanzaa candles

Using a serrated knife, cut cake horizontally into 2 layers. Place bottom cake layer, cut side up, on a serving platter. Mix frosting, cocoa powder, vanilla, and cinnamon in large bowl until combined. Spread about 1/4 of the frosting over top of cake layer on platter. Top with second cake layer, cut side down. Spread remaining frosting evenly over top and sides of cake to coat completely. Spoon apple pie filling into hole in center of cake. Place candles atop cake. Sprinkle top of cake with some corn nuts, pumpkin seeds, and popcorn. Sprinkle remaining corn nuts and pumpkin seeds around base of cake. Eat, and die.

That'll Get You A Red Card

A rec soccer game in Great Britain got way better when Anthony Lloyd got red carded...and sought vengeance with a chainsaw. Excuse me, it’s difficult to type while I’m playing making devil’s horns and playing air guitar to the awesomeness of that.

Lloyd was ordered off the park pitch for foul language but returned with the running power tool and tried to chop the hands off rival Paul Westwood while yelling: “I’m a crank.” Prosecutor Laura Plant told the court: “They heard an engine start and saw the defendant coming out of the bushes revving a chainsaw. The victim’s friend ran off, leaving him cornered by the defendant.” Lloyd began thrusting the chainsaw at Mr Westwood, cutting his chest. Ms Plant added: “He tried to chop his hands off while Mr Westwood was defending himself. He then walked off.”

Obviously, soccer could be improved with more chainsaws, but really… is there anything that isn’t improved by chainsaws? Chainsaws are the bacon of power tools. I’m really surprised they’re not on the Periodic Table of Awesoments.

T.O.Y.S.

M.U.S.C.L.E. - they were a big deal about twenty years ago. And if you can even remember them, there's a whole list of the hundreds of the little pink plastic guys, complete with biographies. I had a bunch of 'em, which makes me a nostalgic dork.

Name: MuscleMan

Number: 1

Description: This is the main guy that we all remember. He was the leader of the "Thug Busters". You were required by law to own this figure if you wanted to consider yourself a real M.U.S.C.L.E. fanatic.



Name: Terri-Bull

Number: 2

Description: Terri-Bull was the leader of the "Cosmic Crunchers", but I'm not quite sure how he got the job. I mean, he can't even afford to replace the broken horn on his head? For a leader, that's pretty sad.


Name: Mr. Blocky

Number: 3

Description: There were many variations of this guy. He was easily one of the more popular characters. But is it me or is he just a little too happy? He's waving to us with glee and his blocky penis is sticking right out. In this case, I believe his happy demeanor is just a ploy to draw an enemy in close. Once the enemy is close enough, he would feed that enemy directly into the the rollers on his chest. The enemy would then be crushed, just like the big guy in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom who got his turban caught in the rock crusher rollers.


Name: Clamp-O-Johnson

Number: 4

Description: Part Lobster. Part Alien. All Loser. Clamp-O-Johnson always got his ass kicked, and I hate him for that.

Name: Mr. Planet

Number: 5

Description: If he's really made up of planets, they must be some pretty friggin' small ones. Looks more like he's suffering from the "Popeye Syndrome", with the big bulges in his arms and legs.

The Only Bright Spot For Dallas In The NHL

The Dallas Stars are having an epic meltdown this season, which is good for my Kings, but our Kings Metal Ice Crew girls have yet to get in their bikinis and frolic on a boat, which is bad for me.

Aquafocals

British inventor Josh Silver began working on eyeglasses that can be tuned by the wearer in 1985. His goal is to bring better vision to a billion people worldwide who cannot afford, or don’t have access to, an optometrist. Silver has devised a pair of glasses which rely on the principle that the fatter a lens the more powerful it becomes. Inside the device’s tough plastic lenses are two clear circular sacs filled with fluid, each of which is connected to a small syringe attached to either arm of the spectacles.

The wearer adjusts a dial on the syringe to add or reduce amount of fluid in the membrane, thus changing the power of the lens. When the wearer is happy with the strength of each lens the membrane is sealed by twisting a small screw, and the syringes removed. The principle is so simple, the team has discovered, that with very little guidance people are perfectly capable of creating glasses to their own prescription.

Silver’s goal is to distribute a billion pairs of his adaptive glasses to poor people by 2020 (the pun in the year is intended, I’m sure). Already, 30,000 pairs have been given out in 15 countries. Silver hopes to get the cost of manufacturing each pair down to a dollar each.

Special Tutoring

Barstool Sports has bridged the realm of sexual predator teachers, year end lists, and baseball:

According to one of those websites that lazy writers use to get quotes so they can sound learned, Henry Adams once said "A teacher affects eternity; she can never tell where her influence stops." Often in America... very, very often... that influence doesn't stop until it, and the teacher and the student, have gone all the way and she's being led away in cuffs. A couple of years ago I took the best and most accomplished of America's depraved, student-seducing, good looking female educators and put them in a batting order. I did so thinking there would never be enough of these predatory seductresses to ever do it again. But I was wrong. Way wrong. This year there were enough to fill ten rosters. But here are the true All Stars:

The 2008 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup

Leadoff: Teresa Engelbach, 22, Hillsborough, MO

Teresa was a substitute teacher who had sex with a 14 year old boy. That's exactly the kind of fearless recklessness I like at the top of the order. Someone who won't be intimidated by a little think like the fact that her boyfriend isn't through puberty yet sets the tone for the whole rest of the club.

The 2-hole: Autumn Lee Leathers, 24, Frostburg, MD

Her looks and accomplishments in the field of Student Seduction alone are enough to earn Autumn a spot in this lineup. But then she brings with her the best name for her profession since Champ Summers retired. Her boyfriend was 15 when he told police Ms. Leathers (chuckle) had sex with him at her home "repeatedly" over a span of three months.

Batting 3rd: Lisa Robyn Marinelli, 40, New Port Richey, FL

THE breakout performer of the '08 crop. When listing the All Time Sex Scandal greats, she definitely belongs in the conversation. In addition to her 16 year old boyfriend being spotted climbing out of Lisa's car with his pants undone, the lad got texts from her that said "How about a quickie tomorrow afternoon?" and "real men only need 20 minutes" making any guy who's seen this picture wonder what they'd do with the remaining 18 minutes.

Cleanup: Cynthia Horvath, 40, Volusia County, FL

I'm going to state the obvious, that Cynthia isn't the best looking woman in the heart of our lineup. Nice body (you have to appreciate the sheriffs cuffing her in the back so we get a look at the concealed weapons she's carrying) but I could do without the giant, Gerry Callahan billboard forehead. But Cynth has got the power and production to make this team go. She taught one of her 17 year old students at the Warner Christian Academy all the sinning parts of the Bible in parking lots outside WalMart and Publix, under bridges and the occasional hotel room. They even got caught once by a cop who let them go because... well, because it's Florida. The kicker in this story? Mrs. Horvath's boyfriend is friends with her son.

Batting 5th: Kelly Abdo, 27, Monroe, LA

The 5th spot is all about protecting the big bats ahead of you. I want a 5th hitter who's smart and isn't going to be an easy out, ever. Kelly not only cheated on her husband with one of her teenage students, she did her homework. The police found her hard drive full of searches for DNA evidence and how to remove it from crime scenes and clothing. Searches also were conducted on the following topics: sex laws between teachers and students under 18, registered sex offender, sex offender laws, subpoenaing text message records, and how long text messages are stored. They also found her DNA all over the kids bed and the front seat of his car where she did him with a house party full of his buddies looking on.

6th Spot: Jennifer Candida Gonzales, 32, Provo, UT

Jennifer brings exactly the kind of wanton recklessness you look for in the meat of your order. She was a middle school teacher who, along with her husband, took a 16 troubled student into their home as a foster child. The lad was suffering from "emotional, behavioral or attitudinal issues." So one day Mr. Gonzalez came home to find Jen mentoring the kid in the most responsible, nuturing way imaginable: by surrounding him in the basement with candles and scented oils and letting him feel her up.

Hitting 7th: Lisa Glide, 35, New Brunswick, NJ

I'll be honest with you, Lisa is here solely on the basis of her looks because her resume is a little thin. She's accused of having sex with one kid, who was 17 at the time, which isn't much of a track record, frankly. Lisa is the classic "potential" player, in the lineup because the scouts like her. I'm sorry to all those teachers who've produced tons of reckless sex with multiple kids, but are still rattling around the minors because they're not attractive enough. But no one said life was fair.

Batting 8th: Julie Pritchett, 34, Birmingham, AL

Julie is your classic overachiever. Not much in the way of looks, but all she does is put up the numbers. Between February and April, she slept with no fewer than EIGHT students between the ages of 15 and 19, most of whom were from her school's baseball team. Pritchett also was in charge of the team's booster club, The Diamond Dolls. Any chick who'll go to those lengths to help out the ballclub is the kind of clubhouse presence I want on my team.

Bottom of the Order: Amy Northcutt, 27, Modesto, CA

You know how you can just tell that Dustin Pedroia is Terry Francona's favorite? That a manager isn't supposed to have a favorite but sometimes you just can't help it? Well Amy is my favorite. The one I'd be playing cribbage with in the clubhouse. She's not batting last for me, she's my second leadoff hitter. I love everything about this chick. Her looks, the fact that she's married, and the reckless way she texted her 16 year old female student at the Turlock Christian School to arrange a 3-some with her and her husband. I'm a strong supporter of the Double Standard and think grown men have no business seducing underage girls, but you have to admit, that's magical even if Amy never pulled it off.

Off the Bench: Bikini Teacher Tiffany Shepard, 30, Port St. Lucie, FL

Tiffany isn't accused of actually having sex with students. But she did create a sensation by being a bikini model for hire on charter fishing tours, the logic being that drunken fishermen will pay more to fish and drink if they've got massive juggs to look at. And for her side job, Tiff got fired, causing a brief media circus. Due to the lack of any real sex in her sex scandal, for never getting out into the field so to speak, Tits McGee here is our pinch hitter.

Late Season Callup: Hope Jacoby, 23, Orange County, CA

Hope is a last minute addition to the lineup. She's the high school athletic trainer who last week got caught giving oral to one of the athletes and letting him take a camera phone picture of her in mid-blow. Her looks are unsurpassed, she's got the sluttiness to go down on a kid in the locker room and the bad judgement to record the incident. That is the stuff legends are made of.

Toughest Omission: Sandra Binkley, Portland, TN

Sandra has it all. Looks, a 17 year old boyfriend and such callous disregard for morality that she would have sex with the kid on school grounds during school hours. Unfortunately for her, you can only dress so many depraved teachers and someone has to get cut. But like Junior Seau and Rosie Colvin, she's one or two injuries away from getting a phone call.

Bench Coach: Abbiejane Swogger, 34, Harrison, PA

Abbiejane (nice name) is a former exotic dancer turned educator who performed the following sociological experiment: get a room at the Clarion Hotel, fill it with underage girls and boys, add some crack, weed and booze and see what ensues. To her shock and dismay, sex broke out. And as is so often the case, the kids involved were friends of her son. Putting an event like that together is exactly the kind of organizational skills a manager can rely on.

Bad Ideas Never Die

Composer Andrew Lloyd Webber says the long awaited (by who?) sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" should be ready at the end of 2009, with a possible simultaneous opening on three continents. Damn, that's a stupid plan.

Lloyd Webber hopes the new musical, to be called "Phantom: Love Never Dies," will open in New York, London and possibly Shanghai or another Asian city. "We've been into the feasibility of rehearsing three companies at once and opening very fast in the three territories," he said. "The one which really interests me would be China. I think to open 'Love Never Dies' in Shanghai would be an enormous thing."

He said the locale of the celebrated musical will be switched from the Paris Opera to New York's Coney Island. What? And why? The sequel will be set about 10 years after the original, just because. Hate to burst your bubble, but that's already been done, and it was called Phantom Of The Park, starring KISS. What happens in it?

They hang out by the pool...

...and fight werewolves.

Magic Negro

The controversy surrounding a comedy CD distributed by Republican National Committee chairman candidate Chip Saltsman has not torpedoed his bid and might have inadvertently helped it. Because a whole lot of Republicans are racist motherfuckers.

Four days after news broke that the former Tennessee GOP chairman had sent a CD including a song titled “Barack the Magic Negro” to the RNC members he is courting, some of those officials are rallying around the embattled Saltsman, with a few questioning whether the national media and his opponents are piling on.

“When I heard about the story, I had to figure out what was going on for myself,” said Mark Ellis, the chairman of the Maine Republican Party. “When I found out what this was about I had to ask, ‘Boy, what’s the big deal here?’ because there wasn’t any.”

Alabama Republican Committeeman Paul Reynolds said the fact the Saltsman sent him a CD with the song on it “didn’t bother me one bit.” “Chip probably could have thought it through a bit more, but he was doing everyone a favor by giving us a gift,” he said. “This is just people looking for something to make an issue of.”

“I don’t think he intended it as any kind of racial slur. I think he intended it as a humor gift,” Oklahoma GOP Committeewoman Carolyn McClarty added. “I think it was innocently done by Chip.” Because how could "negro" be offensive?

Is there any more white a name than Chip Saltsman?

The song came with 40 others on an album from conservative racist "satirist" Paul Shanklin, a personal friend of Saltsman. The song is a parody of a 2007 Los Angeles Times column of the same title and is written to the tune of “Puff the Magic Dragon.”

“Barack the Magic Negro lives in D.C.” the opening of the song goes. “The L.A. Times, they called him that ‘cause he’s not authentic like me. Yeah, the guy from the L.A. paper said he makes guilty whites feel good. They’ll vote for him, and not for me, ‘cause he’s not from the 'hood.” The song, written shortly after the publication of the Times column, was first played on the Rush Limbaugh radio show. On Monday, Limbaugh prominently re-posted the song on the top left corner of his website above the headline, “Drive-by media misreporting of ‘Barack the Magic Negro’ song.”

The flap has generated unflattering attention at a time when the GOP is trying to rebuild its brand and reach out to new voters after an election in which GOP presidential nominee John McCain ran poorly among minority constituencies, and has done nothing to change the perception that the party is just old white people.

The day after the story was first reported, RNC Chairman Mike Duncan issued a statement expressing disgust over the song. Clearly, they at least have somebody running their party who knows when to backpeddle on the party's behalf.

“The 2008 election was a wake-up call for Republicans to reach out and bring more people into our party,” said Duncan, who is seeking reelection to his post. “I am shocked and appalled that anyone would think this is appropriate as it clearly does not move us in the right direction.” Duncan was joined by Michigan GOP Chair Saul Anuzis, another RNC chairmanship aspirant who chided Saltsman for sending out the CD.

Still, old school racist couldn't understand the fuss. North Dakota Republican Party Chairman Gary Emineth said he was “disappointed” when he heard about the story and questioned Saltsman’s viability as a candidate going forward. “There are a lot of things about Chip that would have made a good a RNC chairman, but this has definitely hurt him,” he said in an interview. “With less than a month to go, Chip needs to be talking about where he wants to lead the party, and he is not going to get that opportunity.” Yes, because he thought being racist was a clever little party in-joke.

While South Carolina GOP Chairman Katon Dawson and former Maryland Lt. Gov. Michael Steele have decided to stay away from the controversy, offering no comment, former Ohio Secretary of State Ken Blackwell, who would be the party’s first black chairman, has drawn notice for his vigorous defense of Saltsman, proving black in the Republican ranks have abandoned their race.

“Unfortunately, there is hypersensitivity in the press regarding matters of race. This is in large measure due to President-elect Obama being the first African-American elected president,” Blackwell said in a statement. “I don't think any of the concerns that have been expressed in the media about any of the other candidates for RNC chairman should disqualify them. When looked at in the proper context, these concerns are minimal. All of my competitors for this leadership post are fine people.”

As a result of his position, a source close to the race said that at least 12 uncommitted committee members have contacted Blackwell to thank him for his support for Saltsman and have expressed anger toward Duncan and Anuzis “for throwing a good Republican under the bus.”

Most observers expect Duncan to lead after the first ballot, but few expect he or any other candidate will be able to secure election on a first ballot. For either Saltsman or Blackwell to win election they will likely need the votes of the other’s supporters to break in their direction, along with any other committee members who are not enamored of Duncan’s leadership.

In calls to committee members in recent days, both Saltsman and Blackwell have been reminding Republicans of how both Duncan and Anuzis reacted to the story.

“I wasn’t angered by what Mike had said; it was just revealing to me how each one responded,” said Ellis of Maine, who as an uncommitted member received calls from all six candidates Monday. “Their responses were kind of a surprise to me because I saw it as something that was not an issue, something that was manufactured from outside the committee.”

I just want to put this out there...fuck the Republican party. Thanks.

What The World Really Needs Now

The US Food and Drug Administration has approved a new prescription drug, Latisse, for lengthening eyelashes. Our prayers are answered.

The active ingredient in the drug was first used to treat glaucoma. Then the manufacturer, Allergan, realized that one of the side effects, eyelash growth, was marketable. The meds should be available by March from a doctor or with a prescription from one. Price tag: $120 for a month’s supply. Yikes!

According to Allergan, the drug usually nets results two to four months after users start it. Potential side effects? Some 4% of users experience eye itching and redness, and it may also temporarily darken the skin of the eyelid, according to the company. It's not clear exactly why Latisse promotes eyelash growth, but the company speculates that the drug may increase the length and amount of hair that sprouts during the growth cycle. It’s possible that the drug may also spur eyebrow and scalp hair growth, but Allergan spokesperson Heather Katt says the company hasn't explored using Latisse for those purposes.

A New Season Starts In January

Why are you bad, America?

From The "When I Was Your Age, I Had To Walk In The Snow..." Files

The father of an 11-year-old girl who died, likely of hypothermia, after trying to walk 10 miles in the snow on Christmas Day has been charged with second-degree murder and felony injury to a child. And no, it wasn't walking to the store to get daddy some smokes.

Robert Aragon was emotional during the short hearing. He banged his head on the defendant's table as the charges against him were read. Sage Aragon and her 12-year-old brother, Bear, were with their father on when his truck got stuck in a snow drift near state Highway 75, in southcentral Idaho. The children live with Aragon in Jerome and he was taking them to visit their mother, JoLeta Jenks, in West Magic.

Let us stop to marvel at all the white trashiness so far.

After the truck got caught in the snow, authorities allege Aragon let the children out to walk to their mother's house while he and another adult stayed behind to free the vehicle. Jenks said she called Aragon because she was concerned after no one arrived at her home. Aragon had driven back to Jerome after letting the kids out to walk to her house, Jenks said. A rescue team found the boy at a rest area near the highway shortly before 10 p.m. on Thursday night.

The boy was found wearing only long underwear. Apparently delusional from hypothermia, the child had discarded his jacket, pants and shoes. He was treated and released at a nearby hospital. The rest area was about 4.5 miles from where the children started walking. At some point the children separated and their mother said her son told her they disagreed about whether to keep going or turn back.

"(Bear) kept on telling her: 'Let's go, Sage, let's go, Sage,'" Jenks said, recalling what her son told her. "She said, 'No, I'm going back.'" The little girl was found about 2.7 miles from where the two set out, barely visible under windblown, drifting snow when search dogs located her along a local road. She was wearing a brown down coat, black shirt, pink pajama pants and tan snowboots.

Officials say temperatures in the area at the time the girl was missing ranged from 27 degrees above zero to minus 5. Believe it or not, Jenks and Aragon are not married. While she said she doesn't understand the decision Aragon is accused of making in letting the children walk to her house, Jenks added, "I don't need to sit and yell. I know he's going through hell right now."

Oh, How Charming

Virgen Mary, a 20-year-old Peruvian woman, gave birth to a baby boy on Christmas day and named him Jesus, said Peru's state news agency. Wow, not much happening in Peru.

Shockingly, the baby's father, Adolfo Jorge Huamani, 24, is a carpenter. Religious Peruvians compared him to Joseph the Carpenter in the Bible. Uncanny! "Two thousand years later the story of Bethlehem is relived," read the headline about the birth in El Comercio, the main newspaper in Peru, which I believe has a slightly higher circulation than my high school newspaper.

The mother, Virgen Maria Huarcaya, delivered the boy, Jesus Emanuel, in the early hours of Christmas at the central maternity hospital in Lima. "A few days ago we had decided to name my son after a professional soccer player," the father said. "But thanks to a happy coincidence this is how things ended up." Gosh, that's some wacky coincidental news!

Animoustache

Bo Henry, art director of the upcoming Coraline.

Jump!

Every year, folks make resolutions to try new things and do something different. Inevitably, many think of bungee jumping. If you're one of those people, here some of the best and worst places you can go.

PLENTY HIGH AND SAFE

From the top of Oprah’s Ego.

From the top of the FCC’s “Do Not Call” list.

From the top of Tom Cruise’s stack of gay porn.

From the top of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s stack of hate mail.

From the top of Cher’s wig collection.

LOW, DEADLY AND BAD

From the hood of your friend’s Ford Taurus.

From the top of Danny DeVito’s head.

From the top of the World’s Largest Pumpkin

From the ear of a Beverly Hills Chihuahua

From the top of Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree.

Whatever Happened To Matt Adler?

Remember the surfing movie North Shore? I don’t know about you, but I thought it rocked. And I'm not alone. It rocked so hard that my AP U.S. History teacher would give extra credit based on it.

It was about a young Arizona boy’s quest to become a big time surfer. He’s confronted by legendary Lance Burkheart (played by real surfer Laird Hamilton) and other surfers from around the world who make him realize it’s not such an easy task. And of course, the exotic hottie Nia Peeples plays his love interest. The movie remains a cult classic but unfortunately what remained of its star, Matt Adler?

You may remember him from Teen Wolf and Whitewater Summer but other than that?

The most recent photo that turned up was from the year 2000 with current wife Laura San Giacomo. Adler’s last role was in The Day After Tomorrow as a truck radio announcer. I’m assuming he’s burrowed himself heavily into Giacomo’s ample cleavage. Here’s to your 80’s success Mr. Adler.