Turked-Out Weekend

So it's midway through the long turkey weekend, and I 've already been to San Diego by train and back for a meal pilgimage. Coming up is some hockey and some rocking, but most of all some relaxing, because it was an especially rough and tiring week. I hope everyone has had a good long weekend and that all the things you are thankful for continue to being you happiness.

Black Friday Keeps Turning Red

A gunfight on Black Friday in a toy store? Only if it's in high-desert meth country!

Shots rang out today inside a Toys R Us store in Palm Desert, killing two and causing shoppers at the busy store to scramble for cover. Based on early reports, two rival groups shopping at the store had some kind of argument and then shots were fired. Witnesses say they heard two women fighting and swearing in an aisle, when employees went to break up the fight. All of a sudden a number of people yelled, "He has a gun," and then the gunplay was on. It turns out the two women were both with men, and when one of the men pulled out a gun and shot it in the air, the then shot the other man in the back. Happy holidays, for real.

In a statement, Toys R Us stressed that the shooting appeared to stem from a "personal dispute." They said, "We are outraged by the act of violence that occurred this afternoon in Palm Desert, and by the fact that anyone would compromise the safety and security of our customers and employees. Our understanding is that this act seems to have been the result of a personal dispute between the individuals involved. Therefore, it would be inaccurate to associate the events of today with Black Friday."

Beaver And Turkey

"Yes, that's how a beaver smells!"

See, She's Still Got Some Crazy There

Regarding the upcoming Britney Spears "Rolling Stone" interview, there are surprising revelations. Like the one where Britney says her 3-year-old son Sean Preston occasionally says the word "fuck".

She says her sons Sean Preston, 3, and Jayden James, 2, already have potty mouths. "They're staring to learn words like 'stupid,' and Preston says the F-word now sometimes," she reveals. "He doesn't get it from us," the singer stresses. "He must get it from his daddy (K-Fed). I say it, but not around my kids."

Yeah that’s what I was thinking too. It must be from Kevin. Britney would never stand for such language. It’s not ladylike. I'm sure she has the self-control to keep some of the more biting profanity to herself when around the kids. Because when I think about Britney Spears, I think, constant diligence and, above all else, self-control.

Don't Bogart That Stash

When archeologists opened the tomb of a Gushi shaman in northwest China, they found his stash. Are you surprised to find an ancient shaman liked to toke the herb?

The 2,700 year-old corpse had been buried with close to two pounds of marijuana, making the bust discovery the oldest known use of cannabis for purposes other than food or clothing. And researchers believe that he was entombed with the plant so he could enjoy its stoney properties in the afterlife.

A paper published in the Journal of Experimental Botany reports the find in China’s Xinjiang region, where many modern strains of cannabis are thought to have originated. In addition to the 789 grams of weed, the tomb contained bridles, archery equipment, and a harp - apparent provisions for the afterlife. Unlike other early examples of cannabis use, the research team believed it was common practice in burials to provide materials needed for the afterlife. They are also conducting a battery of tests on the ancient dope, hoping to measure the levels of THC and germinate the seeds found in the cache, in an attempt to better understand ancient uses of the plant - and get an old school high.

Killing For Bargains

A Wal-Mart worker was killed today when "out-of-control" shoppers desperate for bargains broke down the doors at a 5 a.m. sale. You fucking animals.

Other workers were trampled as they tried to rescue the man, and customers shouted angrily and kept shopping when store officials said they were closing because of the death, police and witnesses said. "When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling 'I've been on line since yesterday morning...They kept shopping."

At least four other people, including a woman who was eight months pregnant, were taken to hospitals for observation or minor injuries, and the store closed for several hours before reopening. Shoppers stepped over the man on the ground and streamed into the store. Police said about 2,000 people were gathered outside the store doors at the mall. The impatient crowd knocked the man, identified by police as Jdimytai Damour, to the ground as he opened the doors, leaving a metal portion of the frame crumpled like an accordion.

Dozens of store employees trying to fight their way out to help Damour were also getting trampled by the crowd. And what was Damour killed for? Items like a Samsung 50-inch Plasma HDTV for $798, a Bissel Compact Upright Vacuum for $28, a Samsung 10.2 megapixel digital camera for $69 and DVDs such as "The Incredible Hulk" for $9.

Police said criminal charges were possible in the case, but it would be difficult to identify individual shoppers. Authorities were reviewing surveillance video.

Wal-Mart called the incident a "tragic situation" and said the employee came from a temporary agency and was doing maintenance work at the store. Translation: "Let the family sue the agency that hired him to us, because we're not liable for non-employees." But they did add, "The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority" .

You're already an asshole if you shop at Wal-Mart, but these savages are just the worst humans there are.

First Purchase Of Black Friday

You're not holiday shopping if you don't wait in line to get into a store at 4am and make this purchase.

The Latex Vac-Bed is a bondage restraint that connects to a household vacuum cleaner. It immobilizes the individual between two layers of 14 gauge latex rubber by sucking out the air between the "sheets." It's $640.

To use the Vac-Bed, place your bondage partner inside and check to see that they can breathe safely thru the breathing hole. (I recommend using a hollow gag so that there is no chance of the breathing hole slipping and restricting the flow of air.) Close the zipper that runs along the side of the Vac-Bed, and make sure that your bondage buddy is comfortable before attaching the vacuum cleaner to the connector at the bottom. The 1½” PVC connector will fit most household vacuum cleaners.

Astronaut Chow

What's worse for Thanksgiving - drinking your own recyced piss or the International Space Station holiday dinner?

The smoked turkey resembles sliced deli meat but stiffer, the candied yams are bland inside, the green beans taste like they've been microwaved to death and the corn bread stuffing has a broth-heavy, institutional flavor. Then again, Thanksgiving dinners were never irradiated, freeze-dried, vacuum-packed into plastic pouches and then launched into space to be served 220 miles above Earth. And that's what the Turkey Day meals for the astronauts aboard space shuttle Endeavour will be.

Endeavour's seven astronauts and the three crew members at the international space station will take a break from their chores and gather for their special meal Thanksgiving Day. The last time a space shuttle crew ate their holiday meal in space was six years ago. Although there were only six Thanksgiving meals prepared, they were scraping together turkey from the space station pantry so everyone could experience space's version of a traditional Thanksgiving dinner, including the lone Russian, space station cosmonaut, Yuri Lonchakov, who would probably prefer Siberian gruel next to that delicious plate.

Instead of sitting at a large Thanksgiving dinner table, the astronauts will float around as they eat. The food pouches have Velcro tags which allow them to be attached to the astronauts' suits. The food also can be fixed to Velcro patches on metallic food trays, which each have a spoon, fork, knife and scissors tethered to them for cutting open the food pouches. The trays can then be strapped to the astronauts' laps or attached to a wall.

NASA works hard to give the astronauts a varied menu. Sixty new dishes have been prepared for astronauts in the last six years. Even so, it's hard to recreate the fresh tastes found on many Thanksgiving dinner tables, especially since NASA uses many industrial ingredients so the meals can be mass-produced. The meals are light-years away from the mush squeezed out of aluminum tubes that Mercury astronauts consumed during NASA's first manned flights, or even the pureed shrimp cocktail and squeeze-tube apple sauce of the Gemini program.

Now the shuttle astronauts pick their daily menus before going up in space. The space station astronauts, who can live up to six months at the outpost, have a menu schedule that repeats every 16 days although they can make changes. Historically, the space shuttles and space station have lacked a refrigerator for food, although Endeavour delivered a fridge for food and cold drinks during this mission. As a result, food taken up to space has to be bacteria-free. That is accomplished by either treating meats with radiation, dehydrating vegetables or heating other foods up to 250 degrees for a half hour.

Up in space, the dried foods are prepared by squirting hot or cold water into the food pouch. The other foods are heated up in the food galley's oven, basically a hot plate which uses a fan to circulate heated air. For the Thanksgiving dinner, the smoked turkey was irradiated and the green beans and dressing were freeze-dried, a form of dehydration. The candied yams and dessert were heated.

A week before Thanksgiving, NASA gave reporters a taste-test of the astronauts' holiday dinner. The smoked turkey was slightly stiffer than deli meat, like after it has been left in the refrigerator a week past its expiration date. The candied yams had a syrupy sweetness outside that dissolved into blandness in the middle. The green beans with mushrooms tasted like they have been frozen and then microwaved to an inch of their life. The saving grace was a sublime cranapple dessert. There was a tartness to the apples and sweetness to the cranberries mixed with pecans and syrup in a dish that resembles cobbler filling. It is said NASA takes special pride in desserts...why not try with all the meals?

Spaced Ham

The Muppet Show gave us Pigs In Space (or PIS for short), but space aged swine is also coming to Earth...perhaps even to your Thanksgiving dinner table.

The technology originally measured fluid shifts inside astronauts in space. Now the European Space Agency and two companies have adopted the tool to help ensure the quality of a world-famous Spanish cured ham.

Prized "Jamon" ham represents a matter of culinary pride for Spain, and so only the highest quality hams get the label. Experts carefully examine hams to determine by look, touch and smell whether a ham is too wet, too dry or just right. However, the main factor for creating the perfect ham is the amount of water in the meat. Even the most experienced inspectors may find it difficult to determine a ham's water quality.

Enter the device known as the Spectroscopy of Electrical Impedance. The instrument applies a low electrical current to astronaut bodies and analyzes the current's exit from the bodies to measure the upward drift of body liquids in space. The technology has already found use in medical and biotechnology applications on Earth, but the Spanish engineering company NTE saw a new opportunity thanks to an ESA technology broker network.

The device now sits on a ham production line and quickly detects whether hams meet "Jamon" standards. The producer has seen profits rise at a rate of 3% annually, and can ensure its customers better quality meat than ever before. This is the latest in a long line of over 200 space technologies that ESA has helped bring down to Earth. Successes include cooling suits for a Formula 1 racing teams, ground penetrating radar to detect cracks in mine tunnels and several health care innovations. But none have ever been this tasty. Or salty.

Under Turkey Skies

It's not just families that are getting together this Thanksgiving week. Damn that was so filled with cheese I hate myself for saying it.

The three brightest objects in the night sky — Venus, Jupiter and a crescent moon — will crowd around each other for an unusual group shot.

Starting Thanksgiving evening, Jupiter and Venus will begin moving closer so that by Sunday and Monday, they will appear 2 degrees apart, which is about a finger width held out at arm's lengthBy Monday night, they will be joined by a crescent moon right next to them, he said.

Look in the southwestern sky around twilight — no telescope or binoculars needed. It will even be visible in cities if it's a clear night. The moon is the brightest, closest and smallest of the three and is 252,000 miles away. Venus, the second brightest, closest and smallest, is 94 million miles away. And Jupiter is 540 million miles away.

The three celestial objects come together from time to time, but often they are too close to the sun or unite at a time when they aren't so visible. The next time the three will be as close and visible as this week will be Nov. 18, 2052, and I'm guessing most of you may not be around then. If you are willing to settle for two out of three — Venus and the crescent moon only — it will happen again on New Year's Eve.

Lurkey Dinner?

This story has been making the rounds faster than a 419 scam, from obscure blogs to NPR. So of course we're going to bring it up here:

A New England woman mounts a campaign to buoy struggling local fishermen. An Oregon man, after several failed experiments, crafts a dish to bring a marginalized minority back to holiday dinner tables. New Orleans chefs splash a staid occasion with Southern flavor.

All of them share the same goal: to steal some of the Thanksgiving limelight from that other bird.

No one will knock the beloved bird from its place in America's most traditional holiday. Some 88 % of Americans ate turkey last Thanksgiving, according to the National Turkey Federation. But rivals are trying to chip away at the gobbler's lead.

This year's most direct challenge omes from Julia Munsey of Bangor, Maine, who worries about he state's lobster industry. The global financial crisis has depressed demand from Canada as well as the US, sending prices to lows not seen since the 1980s. This year's high fuel prices squeezed lobstermen even more.

"I kept thinking, 'I wish there was something I could do to help,' " Ms. Munsey says. "At the very least, I could buy lobster."

So she served lobster at her birthday dinner last month, hoping to inspire fellow residents to do the same by getting local media to cover the event. That gave rise to a grander idea: the Thanksgiving lobster.

Granted, the tasty crustacean is far pricier than turkey and it might seem slightly off-putting to the gravy-and-cranberry-sauce set. But it's quicker to prepare and, for those who relish real tradition, historical documents suggest it may well have graced the Pilgrims' first Thanksgiving table. (It's mentioned along with wild turkey as a staple of Plymouth's autumn diet.)

Munsey approached friends at a marketing firm, who agreed to work pro bono on promoting the idea nationally. Two key state lawmakers lent their support at a news conference Nov. 18. That unleashed a flood of promises from residents to trade in the juicy bird – or, in the case of Thanksgiving purists, a side dish or two – for the area's signature seafood come Thursday.

"We would love to have people choose lobster instead of turkey. That would really make an impact in the industry," Munsey says. "But we understand that traditions are traditions."

Rigid holiday protocol actually helped Seth Tibbott craft his Thanksgiving alternative. For years, vegetarians faced a common dilemma: either munch only on salads and sides or force turkey-dinner hosts to scramble for another option.

Mr. Tibbott tried a gluten roast – which diners "couldn't cut with a chain saw," he recalls – and a stuffed pumpkin without enough heft for a main dish. Finally, his company birthed the tofu-based turkey substitute Tofurkey.

Even in turkey's long shadow, it worked. After selling 500 of them that first year – 1995 – sales have soared. This year, Tibbott's Turtle Island Foods in Hood River, Ore., expects to clear 300,000 Tofurkeys between October and December. Tofurkey now stands as a major player in the meat-alternative industry, whose sales – not counting leaders like national chain Whole Foods, which doesn't provide any data – exceeded $586 million during the past 12 months and grew by 8 percent compared with the year before.

Real meat is another potential competitor. Retailers have long promoted prime rib and boneless roasts over the holidays, says Meghan Pusey of the National Cattlemen's Beef Association. In recent years, the association has tried to help stores see the value in cheaper cuts. This year, more roasts from the chuck and round are on the shelves.

The number of stores featuring Cornish game hens reached 4,300 this week – a record in the four years that the US Department of Agriculture has been tracking the trend.

The hens, as well as bagged chickens for roasting, receive "significant seasonal interest," says Richard Lobb of the National Chicken Council. "It's certainly an overlooked trend."

Another boost for the nonturkey crowd: Immigrants, notably the growing number of Asians, often substitute native dishes for turkey as families gather on Thanksgiving.

Lobster, sliced beef, and lamb are currently among the biggest sellers at CMart, an ethnic supermarket in Boston.

"We don't even have turkey," says Alvin Qu, a CMart employee. "Chinese people don't buy turkey. They don't know how to cook it."

Restaurants represent another arena for antiturkey diners to vote with their menu selections. Some 11 percent of Americans now eat out on Thanksgiving day, according to the National Restaurant Association.

When they come to upscale Café Adelaide in New Orleans, about half the patrons order the venue's jazzy Southern take on turkey, stuffed with herb butter and truffle oil, says Orlando Harris, a sous chef. Those who don't typically seek something else, maybe quail or goose, accompanied by ray beans and ricotta greens, or stuffed flounder.

Yet even away from the classic family feast, "Turkey's still the winner," Mr. Harris says.

Gobbles On Ya!

Happy Thanksgiving, bitches!

Love,

Famous M

Dr. Jerkoff

Sometimes free isn't good enough.

The lawyer for Guns N' Roses and Axl Rose has castigated Dr Pepper, accusing the soda maker of failing to deliver on its promotion to offer free soda in celebration of the band's new album, "Chinese Democracy." In case you forgot, Guns N' Roses was never involved in the campaign.

Litigious prickbag Alan Gutman has written to Dr Pepper Snapple Group Inc. president and CEO Larry Young, accusing the company of operating an online redemption scheme that was an "unmitigated disaster which defrauded customers." Yes, the scheme to give people a free soda in return for..wait for it...nothing!

Band frontman Rose did not take any action when, in March, Dr Pepper put out a press release offering free soda to any American if the long-awaited Guns N' Roses album came out before the end of 2008. However, Rose has reacted to the news that fans have been unable to get their soda since the November 23 release of "Chinese Democracy." Because Axl feels that the promise of a free soda based on his tardiness is a fight worth waging.

Gutman is demanding that Dr Pepper makes good on its offer by extending the period for the offer; he also wants full-page apologies in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today and the Wall Street Journal. How about...fuck off, jerk.

Gutman's letter makes clear his view that the original campaign was an "exploitation of my clients' legendary reputation and their eagerly awaited album" and "brazenly violated our clients' rights." He is also seeking an "appropriate payment ... for the unauthorized use and abuse of their publicity and intellectual property rights," with the threat of further action if an acceptable offer is not made. "Now is the time to clean up the mess," Gutman says. Wow, the balls on this guy!

Dr Pepper's Web servers crashed under the demand for coupons that could be exchanged for free drinks. Dr Pepper extended the November 23 promotion for an extra day, but the company's Web site was inaccessible for a substantial part of it. "Dr Pepper was completely unprepared for the traffic to its site," Gutman says in the letter, describing the promotion as a "complete fiasco." Not like the decade-plus wait for an album made by an obsessive singer and an orchestra's worth of ever-rotating musicians.

Gutman adds, "The entire point of your campaign has been to use public interest in Axl Rose and Guns N' Roses as a lure to increase consumer awareness of Dr Pepper." He further states that "mocking undertones" in the online promotional content represent a "raw and damaging commercial exploitation of our clients' rights," adding that the association is "even more damaging in light of your shoddy execution of your disingenuous giveaway offer."

The soda maker declined to comment, but sources said Dr Pepper was considering extending the promotion. That, or a dismissive wanking motion.

Dork Metal

Probably Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’s most famous bit was ripping on the guy who showed up to the premiere of Star Wars Episode I dressed as some sort of Lord of the Rings wizard while eating a Burger King Filet o’ Fish sandwich (if you haven't already seen it, here).

Apparently, Triumph has kept in touch with the wizard, who goes by “Blackwolf” (because he’s black, you see), and recently invited him back on the Conan show to meet his favorite band, Finnish goth metallers Lordi. The super awkward meeting begins at about halfway through. Triumph encourages Blackwolf to hit on the female band member, so you have to assume Triumph had been out of the room when Blackwolf tells the bassist that “Bass players are simply delicious”.

You may feel the need to bathe in Clearasil after watching it. I heard the cameraman for that segment is currently undergoing treatment for autism.

Oops They Did It Again

DXM (as usual), FTW:

Back in 1990, near the peak of her international fame and right about the time she was officially canonized by Miami's Cuban exile community, Gloria Estefan was involved in a nasty tour bus accident. For those who don't remember, Estefan had to have two titanium rods implanted in her spine as a result of the crash and many wondered whether she'd ever walk -- to say nothing of doing that conga -- again.

During the year of intensive physical therapy that followed the surgery, Estefan was closely monitored by every local TV station in South Florida -- each one keeping a constant vigil at the side of Miami's patron saint as she attempted to work her way back to full body-shaking strength.

In particular, WSVN dubbed its coverage "Road to Recovery" and featured nightly updates on Gloria's progress. Although it felt like overkill, even at the time, there was nothing inherently awful about the way the station went about reporting the Gloria Estefan story.

In fact, it was only in retrospect that whole thing would seem kind of tasteless.

Two years later, Hurricane Andrew hit South Florida. It devastated the region, killed 65 people and left thousands homeless. As the area struggled to revive itself in the wake of the storm, WSVN once again tagged its coverage "Road to Recovery."

Though I hadn't yet worked for the station when the Estefan incident happened -- I was nothing more than a 20 year old viewer at that time -- I remember talking to one of my WSVN co-workers in the fall of 1992, as our hurricane recovery coverage ramped up, and wondering aloud, "So let me get this straight: We're indirectly comparing the worst disaster in South Florida history with Gloria hurting her back. Shouldn't we at least come up with a slogan we haven't already used to death on something that now seems really inconsequential?"

Why do I bring this up?

Because although WSVN couldn't have anticipated the much more worthy "Road to Recovery" story to come when it used the line to describe Gloria Estefan's personal tragedy, Rolling Stone damn well knew the pedigree attached to the phrase "Yes We Can" -- the unspoken cultural trademark it now carries -- when it chose to bastardize it for the cover of its latest issue.

The result?

A photograph of Britney Spears adorned with boldfaced type proclaiming "Yes She Can!"

It's certainly not inherently offensive to co-opt Barack Obama's campaign slogan -- the one which not only helped define him as a candidate and win him the election, but which served as a battle cry for a nation desperately in need of something to believe in. For Christ's sake, though -- Britney? That's who you're going to ascribe this powerful phrase to after adjusting it to meet your trivial needs?

Britney Fucking Spears?

Just a few short weeks ago, the statement "Yes We Can" sounded like a clarion call across America -- an affirmation of absolute purpose made by the first black president of the United States as a means to inspire millions.

And you're equating that with Britney no longer shaving her head in public or attacking paparazzi with an umbrella?

Really?

I'll occasionally spend a good amount of time trying to come up with creative titles for the pieces on this site in an attempt to fulfill my obligation to be a smart-ass. But I always try to be cognizant of the line that separates clever from stupid (which is not to say that I always respect that line). Doing a groan-and-eye-rolling twist on an expression of momentous significance is easy and cheap -- a fast grab at the lowest-hanging fruit on the "wit" tree -- and it's way beneath the editorial board at Rolling Stone.

I'm willing to concede that I may be taking this too seriously; some will argue that it's just a political slogan, after all. But I can't be the only one who thinks that even if there's no parallel with larger events to be drawn from the Britney cover -- even if it doesn't tread on sacred ground, like telling a 9/11 joke on 9/12 -- the whole thing is just really fucking cheesy.

"Yes We Can" isn't simply another catchphrase to be milked to death by anyone looking to sell a product.

Rolling Stone could've -- and should've -- come up with a better tagline.

Maybe "Road to Recovery."

Hey, it worked for Gloria.

Marky Mark Your Territory, Or Piss On A Wall-berg

News out of Hollywood is pretty slow today due to the pending holiday. On the other hand, Marky Mark pissing on a wall news is just beginning to heat up. Look at that, you can see the stream and everything. Caption of the picture on the left - all together now - “Say hi to ya motha fer me, alright?”

Who's next in the "celebrities pissing” trend? Stick around and find out!

Shameful Body Suit

Chinese artist Ming Yi Sung knit and crocheted this white bunny suit, and it wasn't even the strangest thing she ever made. And it sure didn't help get her laid, either.

Trek Wars

Not Just Icky But Gross

While Tila Tequila treats her sores, MTV is set to replace the fake bisexual with not one but two woman who go both ways - and they’re twins. The aptly nicknamed “Ikki Twins” are looking for two men, two women, a guy and a girl - whatever, to accompany them to a few cell phone promotional events and video game premieres before the inevitable breakup.

Bisexual twin sisters Rikki and Vikki will "star" in A Double Shot at Love, which premieres Dec. 9.

“When the men and women arrive, they are pleasantly surprised to find that the women they are fighting for are actually gorgeous twin sisters all living under one roof,” MTV said. “The 12 straight men and 12 lesbians are narrowed down each week in a dramatic elimination ceremony.”

Their favorite date activities?

“I like to watch the Padres at Hooters and have the date take care of the bill,” Rikki said. Meanwhile, Vikki prefers to “be in a bikini and there’ll be candles, a blanket on the sand and a big bowl of chocolate!” In case Rikki and Vikki’s ideal date responses didn’t give it away, they’ve both appeared in Playboy and have worked at Hooters. Really.

I used to say I was old enough to remember when there was no MTV because it wasn't on the air. Now I can say I remember when there still was MTV.

Early Giving Thanks

The Vagina of Evil with a broken jaw? Silence is golden.

White Tights

Russia's top investigator is claiming that the Georgians employed mercenaries during their August war -- including female snipers from Ukraine and Latvia.

Asked to list the nationalities of the foreign fighters it believes were involved, Alexander Bastrykin, head of the Prosecutor-General's investigative committee said: "America, the Czech Republic, Chechnya, the Baltic States, Ukraine and Turkey." Bastrykin added: "There were also two snipers ... one from Ukraine and I believe a Latvian woman."

It sounds an awful lot like the mythical "white tights" - the exotic female snipers of Chechen war lore who were said to pick off hapless Russian conscripts. As the story had it, these stone-cold, blue eyed killers were said to be from the Baltics -- or Ukraine. They were sometimes described as Olympic biathletes recruited as mercenary sharpshooters by Chechen commanders.

Writing in the UK Independent during the 1994-1996 Chechen war, Andrew Higgins observed:

From the very start of the conflict in Chechnya, Moscow has been unable to admit that the Chechens could possibly be fighting on their own. To explain the debacle, Russian propaganda has paraded a far-fetched collection of bloodthirsty foreign mischief-makers, including Afghan mujahedin, Ukrainian Fascists, Islamic fanatics, Chechen migrants from Jordan and, in a crude flourish that smacks of sexually frustrated barrack-room fantasy, female snipers from the Baltics in white tights.

Even the Russian Wikipedia page describes the "white tights" (Russian: belye kolgotki) as a "myth born in military folklore" that was picked up on in official propaganda. This claim is also reminiscent of the case of Michael Lee White. During the war with Georgia, Russian officials produced his passport as proof that foreign agents had led or advised Georgian troops (Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin also insinuated that the United States deliberately stirred up the conflict to aid Sen. John McCain in his presidential bid). The Wall Street Journal eventually tracked White down - in Guangzhou, China, where he was working as an English teacher, not as a foreign operative.

Named Profane

Nearly two dozen of the more profanely named bands in rock, from I Heart Chaos.

1. Fuck (and also Holy Fuck)

Fuck formed in Oakland in 1993 and the name alone may make you think of a death metal or industrial group, but they’re actually a pop/rock band along the lines of something like Belly. (Incidentally, when Kiss initially formed, they considered naming the band Fuck)

Holy Fuck on the other hand are an electronica band from Toronto, Canada who create beautiful, sweeping electronic / string drum arrangements like the one above.

2. Nashville Pussy

With two women and two men in the band, Nashville Pussy sounds like its name– loud, harsh and rude. Two years after forming in Georgia, the released their debut album, Let Them Eat Pussy, which got them nominated a Grammy for best hard rock single for “Fried Chicken and Coffee”

3. Anal Cunt

Not surprisingly, the grindcore band Anal Cunt trafficks in extremely dark, obscene humor. Their songs rarely last longer than a minute, meaning you get 50 to 60 cuts per album. With titles like “Jack Kevorkian is Cool”, “I Became a Rape Counseler So I Could Tell Rape Victims They Asked For It”, “I Sent Concentration Camp Footage to America’s Funniest Home Videos” and “You’re Pregnant, So I Kicked You in the Stomach”, maybe brevity is a good thing. Above is “I Lit Your Baby on Fire”

4. Tit Wrench

Songs by the experimental industrial band Tit Wrench include “Corporate Sponsored Sex Change Operation”, “Everybodily Orifice Needs School Prayer”, “Stomach Lining of God”, “Pit Bull with AIDS” and “Cops Hate Firemen”. Sorry… I couldn’t find any videos.

5. Schlong

The punk band Schlong ground out such ditties as “I Wanna Scratch My Butt”, but they’re best known for their cover album Punk Side Story, which gives the classic musical West Side Story a loud, debauched makeover.

6. Prick

Just as NIN really is Trent Reznor, the band Prick is simply Kevin McMahon. Its only full-length album– produced and released by Reznor failed to make a dent in the music world– just a prick.

7. 3 Way Cum

Heavy metal band 3 Way Cum sadly only released one album, 1997’s Killing the Life. Also couldn’t find any videos for them.

8-19. Bands with “bitch” in their name

The most often used profanity in band names is “bitch”, hands down. Two bands use the word as their full name, and are joined by Bitch Magnet, Bitch Alert, Bitchcraft, Bitch and Animal, Anvil Bitch, Son of a Bitch, Psycho Bitch, Southern Bitch, Little Bo Bitch, 7 Year Bitch and others.

20. Lovin’ Spoonful

Yes, Lovin’ Spoonful, along with the band 10cc are references to the average amount of semen in a typical ejaculation. You learn something new every day, don’t you?

Han Shot First

L. Ronin Hubbard

The LA Times has uncovered an old mug shot of Mario Majorski, the brave samurai who died valiantly trying to protect Hollywood from Scientology the other day. They’ve also included some new details about his life:

Majorski was a church of Scientology member in good standing in 1993 when he and a classmate sued a psychiatry professor and UCLA.The professor, Louis West, was an expert on brainwashing and an outspoken critic of Scientology, which he dismissed as a “pyramid scheme.”Suits filed in state and federal court accused West of activities, including speaking to anti-cult groups, that transgressed the separation of church and state and interfered with Majorski’s practice of religion. Both suits were dismissed, and court records indicate that Majorski’s role was largely limited to providing his name as a plaintiff.

Public records show a recent history of confrontation in both states. On Nov. 2, Majorski was arrested at a Mormon church service in Florence, Ore., the coastal town where he lived. A Florence police spokeswoman told the Associated Press that he was “cursing and moving around a lot” and was charged with disorderly conduct and criminal trespass. Less than a month ago, he was arrested in Florence for swinging an ax at an Auto Club employee who was bringing him gas for his car. Majorski threatened to shoot police who went to his home to investigate, according to a police report. He pleaded no contest to disorderly conduct.

Reached for comment, a spokesman expressed condolences for the victim’s family on behalf of the Scientology Centre. “It’s a senseless tragedy,” the spokesman said, “if he’d only paid us a few thousand more dollars, he’d be in heaven right now. Space heaven.”

Lil' Brit

Yes, my first response was kill it. Kill it with fire.

It’s a little person. It’s a Britney Spears impersonator. It’s twice the crazy in half the package! Now your mind is blown.

Her name is Terra Jole’ (yes, that’s really how the accent is supposed to be and no, I don’t know what’s up with it being like that — my first guess would be that she couldn’t reach the top of the E) and she is “the littlest Britney Spears tribute performer in the world.” I’m...sure that’s true. This is simultaneously one of the most awesome and terrifying things I’ve ever beheld with my eyeholes.

She’s known as Mini-Britney. She’s 4′2″. She’s been running this little roadshow since February of 2007 and has been featured on a bunch of shows. Her website says she’ll be releasing a single in 2008. I don’t think it’s out yet, which makes me sad in the pants because that is what I would buy everyone I know for Christmas.

MILF Extentions

It turns out that having children at an advanced age won't kill you - instead, it might mean you'll live up to 30 % longer than average. Go, you cougar!

A group of researchers in the University of California system discovered this odd fact by studying the genetic makeup of flies who lay eggs late in their lives. There's a chance their discovery could lead to a simple gene therapy for human women that would extend their childbearing years and their lifespans. Or they may turn into flies.

The researchers found two fly genes, known as magu and hebe, that are responsible for causing older female flies to continue laying eggs. And they noticed that when those genes "over-express," or go into overdrive, that they also extend the natural lifespan of the flies by up to 30 percent. Humans have a gene, SMOC2, which is similar to the magu gene, so it's possible that these findings will be relevant to humans as well. Scientists already know of reliable ways to make genes over-express.

The two scientists who conducted the research are publishing the results this month in Molecular Genetics and Genomics, which I'm sure you all subscribe to. They suggest that hebe and magu genes have life-extending effects because they promote the formation of stem cells. Yes, the same stem cells the religious right hates keep bodies young and are also crucial to reproductive health. So when hebe and magu over-express, they stimulate the growth of new stem cells, and that has a cascade effect on the body's youthfulness. In their study, it would appear stimulation prompts the stem cells to divide more in the old fly and therefore produce more offspring. It both makes females lay more eggs and live longer, so it really argues against any kind of obligatory tradeoff between reproduction and lifespan.

Prison Sex

Insert your own shower rape joke or Tool reference here...

Three male and three female inmates at the Greene County jail in Indiana jail face charges that they devised a way to sneak between cell blocks to help pass their time behind bars by having sex. The inmates figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels and used the passageway more than a dozen times in September and October. The men — ages 44, 38 and 17 — and the women — ages 27, 26 and 21 — crawled through the ceiling after midnight, having sexual encounters and drinking homemade alcohol that was found hidden in the male cell block.

One male inmate who was not charged said the female inmates would "hang-out, play cards or have sex with some of the male inmates" in their cell block. The inmates were able to find a security camera "blind spot" where they could remove ceiling tiles and create a passage between the cell blocks. They used a shower drain as a tool to loosen security screws and the ceiling tiles were carefully replaced so they did not appear to be disturbed. The ceiling panels have since been secured, and funding to improve security at the jail, which was built in 1994, was being sought.

Prosecutors have filed felony escape charges against the six inmates. "If your facility has a flaw, if you house prisoners in it, they will show you. They will find it."

Vide-O Face

This is what you look like playing video games.

Guns And Review-ses

Because I have no intention of ever listening to it, I think Chuck Klosterman's review will serve me just fine.

Reviewing Chinese Democracy is not like reviewing music. It's more like reviewing a unicorn. Should I primarily be blown away that it exists at all? Am I supposed to compare it to conventional horses? To a rhinoceros? Does its pre-existing mythology impact its actual value, or must it be examined inside a cultural vacuum, as if this creature is no more (or less) special than the remainder of the animal kingdom? I've been thinking about this record for 15 years; during that span, I've thought about this record more than I've thought about China, and maybe as much as I've thought about the principles of democracy. This is a little like when that grizzly bear finally ate Timothy Treadwell: Intellectually, he always knew it was coming. He had to. His very existence was built around that conclusion. But you still can't psychologically prepare for the bear who eats you alive, particularly if the bear wears cornrows.

Here are the simple things about Chinese Democracy: Three of the songs are astonishing. Four or five others are very good. The vocals are brilliantly recorded, and the guitar playing is (generally) more interesting than the guitar playing on the Use Your Illusion albums. Axl Rose made some curious (and absolutely unnecessary) decisions throughout the assembly of this project, but that works to his advantage as often as it detracts from the larger experience. So: Chinese Democracy is good. Under any halfway normal circumstance, I would give it an A.

But nothing about these circumstances is normal.

For one thing, Chinese Democracy is (pretty much) the last Old Media album we'll ever contemplate in this context—it's the last album that will be marketed as a collection of autonomous-but-connected songs, the last album that will be absorbed as a static manifestation of who the band supposedly is, and the last album that will matter more as a physical object than as an Internet sound file. This is the end of that. But the more meaningful reason Chinese Democracy is abnormal is because of a) the motives of its maker, and b) how those motives embargoed what the definitive product eventually became. The explanation as to why Chinese Democracy took so long to complete is not simply because Axl Rose is an insecure perfectionist; it's because Axl Rose self-identifies as a serious, unnatural artist. He can't stop himself from anticipating every possible reaction and interpretation of his work. I suspect he cares less about the degree to which people like his music, and more about how it is taken, regardless of the listener's ultimate judgment. This is why he was so paralyzed by the construction of Chinese Democracy—he can't write or record anything without obsessing over how it will be received, both by a) the people who think he's an unadulterated genius, and b) the people who think he's little more than a richer, red-haired Stephen Pearcy. All of those disparate opinions have identical value to him. So I will take Chinese Democracy as seriously as Axl Rose would hope, and that makes it significantly less simple. At this juncture in history, rocking is not enough.

The weirdest (yet more predictable) aspect of Chinese Democracy is the way 60 percent of the lyrics seem to actively comment on the process of making the album itself. The rest of the vocal material tends to suggest some kind of abstract regret over an undefined romantic relationship punctuated by betrayal, but that might just be the way all hard-rock songs seem when the singer plays a lot of piano and only uses pronouns. The craziest track, "Sorry," resembles spooky Pink Floyd and is probably directed toward former GNR drummer Steven Adler, although I suppose it might be about Slash or Stephanie Seymour or David Geffen. It could even be about Jon Pareles, for all I fucking know—Axl's enemy list is pretty Nixonian at this point. The most uplifting songs are "Street Of Dreams" (a leaked song previously titled "The Blues") and the exceptionally satisfying "Catcher In The Rye" (a softer, more sophisticated re-working of "Yesterdays" that occupies a conceptual self-awareness in the vein of Elton John or mid-period Queen). The fragile ballad "This I Love" is sad, melodramatic, and pleasurably traditional. There are many moments where it's impossible to tell who Axl is talking to, so it feels like he's talking to himself (and inevitably about himself). There's not much cogent storytelling, but it's linear and compelling. The best description of the overall literary quality of the lyrics would probably be "effectively narcissistic."

As for the music—well, that's actually much better than anticipated. It doesn't sound dated or faux-industrial, and the guitar shredding that made the final version (which I'm assuming is still predominantly Buckethead) is alien and perverse. A song like "Shackler's Revenge" is initially average, until you get to the solo—then it becomes the sonic equivalent of a Russian robot wrestling a reticulating python. Whenever people lament the dissolution of the original Guns N' Roses, the person they always focus on is Slash, and that makes sense. (His unrushed blues metal was the group's musical vortex.) But it's actually better that Slash is not on this album. What's cool about Chinese Democracy is that it truly does sound like a new enterprise, and I can't imagine that being the case if Slash were dictating the sonic feel of every riff. The GNR members Rose misses more are Izzy Stradlin (who effortlessly wrote or co-wrote many of the band's most memorable tunes) and Duff McKagan, the underappreciated bassist who made Appetite For Destruction so devastating. Because McKagan worked in numerous Seattle-based bands before joining Guns N' Roses, he became the de facto arranger for many of those pre-Appetite tracks, and his philosophy was always to take the path of least resistance. He pushed the songs in whatever direction felt most organic. But Rose is the complete opposite. He takes the path of most resistance. Sometimes it seems like Axl believes every single Guns N' Roses song needs to employ every single thing that Guns N' Roses has the capacity to do—there needs to be a soft part, a hard part, a falsetto stretch, some piano plinking, some R&B bullshit, a little Judas Priest, subhuman sound effects, a few Robert Plant yowls, dolphin squeaks, wind, overt sentimentality, and a caustic modernization of the blues. When he's able to temporarily balance those qualities (which happens on the title track and on "I.R.S.," the album's two strongest rock cuts), it's sprawling and entertaining and profoundly impressive. The soaring vocals crush everything. But sometimes Chinese Democracy suffers from the same inescapable problem that paralyzed proto-epics like "Estranged" and "November Rain": It's as if Axl is desperately trying to get some unmakeable dream song from inside his skull onto the CD, and the result is an overstuffed maelstrom that makes all the punk dolts scoff. His ambition is noble, yet wildly unrealistic. It's like if Jeff Lynne tried to make Out Of The Blue sound more like Fun House, except with jazz drumming and a girl singer from Motown.

Throughout Chinese Democracy, the most compelling question is never, "What was Axl doing here?" but "What did Axl think he was doing here?" The tune "If The World" sounds like it should be the theme to a Roger Moore-era James Bond movie, all the way down to the title. On "Scraped," there's a vocal bridge that sounds strikingly similar to a vocal bridge from the 1990 Extreme song "Get The Funk Out." On the aforementioned "Sorry," Rose suddenly sings an otherwise innocuous line ("But I don't want to do it") in some bizarre, quasi-Transylvanian accent, and I cannot begin to speculate as to why. I mean, one has to assume Axl thought about all of these individual choices a minimum of a thousand times over the past 15 years. Somewhere in Los Angles, there's gotta be 400 hours of DAT tape with nothing on it except multiple versions of the "Sorry" vocal. So why is this the one we finally hear? What finally made him decide, "You know, I've weighed all my options and all their potential consequences, and I'm going with the Mexican vampire accent. This is the vision I will embrace. But only on that one line! The rest of it will just be sung like a non-dead human." Often, I don't even care if his choices work or if they fail. I just want to know what Rose hoped they would do.

On "Madagascar," he samples MLK (possible restitution for "One In A Million"?) and (for the second time in his career) the movie Cool Hand Luke. Considering that the only people who will care about Rose's preoccupation with Cool Hand Luke are those already obsessed with his iconography, the doomed messianic message of that film must deeply (and predictably) resonate with his very being. But how does that contribute to "Madagascar," a meteorological metaphor about all those unnamed people who wanted to stop him from making Chinese Democracy in the insane manner he saw fit? Sometimes listening to this album feels like watching the final five minutes of the Sopranos finale. There's no acceptable answer to these types of hypotheticals.

Still, I find myself impressed by how close Chinese Democracy comes to fulfilling the absurdly impossible expectation it self-generated, and I not-so-secretly wish this had actually been a triple album. I've maintained a decent living by making easy jokes about Axl Rose for the past 10 years, but what's the final truth? The final truth is this: He makes the best songs. They sound the way I want songs to sound. A few of them seem idiotic at the beginning, but I love the way they end. Axl Rose put so much time and effort into proving that he was super-talented that the rest of humanity forgot he always had been. And that will hurt him. This record may tank commercially. Some people will slaughter Chinese Democracy, and for all the reasons you expect. But he did a good thing here.

Like Lightning (Bolt) In A Can

A&E has risen to the challenge of making this country better. Or worse.

From the press release:

Hollywood action man Steven Seagal is to take part in a new reality series which will chronicle his little-known role as a police officer in Louisiana.

The Under Siege star has been a fully commissioned deputy at the state’s Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office for the last 20 years. As well as going out on patrol, Seagal is said to be an expert marksman, working with the force’s Swat team, and has instructed officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

The new show, which has been commissioned by America’s A+E network, will be titled Steven Seagal: Lawman and will follow the actor as he fights crime in Louisiana.

That’s right, the Louisiana SWAT team is taking advice from a guy who nearly walked out of an appearance at Best Buy because the lights were too bright. I can’t wait for his first lecture, Chasing After People: How Far is Too Far? Subtopics will include: Catching Your Breath, Dealing With a Hangover, Adding Holes to Your Gun Belt, and How a Grimace Can be Your Best Weapon.

Cuddletarded

I remember hearing about a "cuddle party" long ago and scoffed at the stupidity of it. Like the segment of HBO's Real Sex that was the least sexy and sexual and had the most losers, well, that what it came off like. And actually is. What a surprise that it's a bunch of goofy dudes eventually rubbing the females...

Lost In Translation

On their journey around the international film markets, films have a habit of changing names, as local distributors target the flicks at their audiences. Sometimes, however, as this list shows, a new title doesn’t always quite capture the meaning of the original when it’s translated back into English.

CHINA

The Full Monty: Six Naked Pigs

The Blair Witch Project: Night In The Cramped Forest

As Good As It Gets: Mr Cat Poop

Boogie Nights: His Great Device Makes Him Famous (genius. just genius)

Leon: This Hit Man Is Not as Cold as He Thought

Fargo: Mysterious Murder in Snowy Cream

Austin Powers: Trump Card Big Liar

Deep Impact: Earth And Comet Collide

Knocked Up: One Night, Big Belly

Nixon: The Big Liar

Risky Business: Just Send Him To University Unqualified

Free Willy: A Very Powerful Whale Runs To Heaven

GERMANY

Airplane: The Unbelievable Trip In A Wacky Aeroplane or The Incredible Journey In A Crazy Airplane (depending on which translation you believe)

K9: My Partner with the cold Snout

Dragnet : Floppy Coppers Don’t Bite, or Yellow Coppers Don’t Bite (again, depending on which translation you go with)

The Parent Trap: A Twin Seldom Comes Alone

Die Hard: Die Slowly

Die Hard With A Vengeance: Die Slowly, Now More Than Ever

Dodgeball : Full Of The Nuts

Girl, Interrupted: Cuckoo (succinct and to the point…)

Annie Hall: The Urban Neurotic

ISRAEL

Knocked Up: The Date That Screwed Me

Superbad: Super Horny

The Naked Gun: The Gun Died Laughing

ITALY

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind: If You Leave Me, I Delete You

FRANCE

Fried Green Tomatoes: The Secret Is In The Sauce

Dirty Harry: Inspector Harry

Home Alone: Mom, I Missed The Plane

The Matrix: The Young People Who Traverse Dimensions While Wearing Sunglasses

SPAIN

The Dark Knight: Night Of The Knight (sweet)

PERU

Knocked Up: Slightly Pregnant

MEXICO

Juno: Juno: Grow, Run and Stumble.

Snatch: Pigs And Diamonds

Thelma and Louise: An Unexpected End

DENMARK

Die Hard With A Vengeance: Die Hard: Mega Hard (that’s just awesome)

HONG KONG

American Pie : American Virgin Man

ARGENTINA

Grease: Vaseline

PORTUGAL

Lost In Translation: Meetings and Failures in Meetings

Die Hard: Skyscraper Attack

Die Hard 2: Airport Attack

CZECH REPUBLIC

Bad Santa: Santa Is A Pervert

Hot Shots! : Warm Shots

FINLAND

Big Momma’s House: The Cop In Drag

JAPAN

Army Of Darkness: Captain Supermarket

The Horse Whisperer: Held by Wind in Montana

Being John Malkovich : The Hole Of Malkovich

Mr Holland’s Opus: The Sunny Classroom

Jersey Girl: I Love My Dad The Best In The World

TAIWAN

Get Smart: Is The Spy Capable Or Not

Turkey Truths

MYTH: The settlers at the first Thanksgiving were called Pilgrims.
THE TRUTH: They didn't even refer to themselves as Pilgrims - they called themselves "Saints." Early Americans applied the term "pilgrim" to all of the early colonists; it wasn't until the 20th century that it was used exclusively to describe the folks who landed on Plymouth Rock.

MYTH: It was a solemn, religious occasion.
THE TRUTH: Hardly. It was a three-day harvest festival that included drinking, gambling, athletic games, and even target shooting with English muskets (which, by the way, was intended as a friendly warning to the Indians that the Pilgrims were prepared to defend themselves.)

MYTH: It took place in November.
THE TRUTH: It was some time between late September and the middle of October - after the harvest had been brought in. By November, said historian Richard Erhlich, "the villagers were working to prepare for winter, salting and drying meat and making their houses as wind resistant as possible."

MYTH: The Pilgrims wore large hats with buckles on them.
THE TRUTH: None of the participants were dressed anything like the way they've been portrayed in art: the Pilgrims didn't dress in black, didn't wear buckles on their hats or shoes, and didn't wear tall hats. The 19th-century artists who painted them that way did so because they associated black clothing and buckles with being old-fashioned.

MYTH: They ate turkey ...
THE TRUTH: The Pilgrims ate deer, not turkey. As Pilgrim Edward Winslow later wrote, "For three days we entertained and feasted, and [the Indian] went out and killd five deer, which they brought to the plantation." Winslow does mention that four Pilgrims went "fowling" or bird hunting, but neither he nor anyone else recorded which kinds of birds they actually hunted - so even if they did eat turkey, it was just a side dish.

"The flashy part of the meal for the colonists was the venison, because it was new to them," says Carolyn Travers, director of research at Plimoth Plantation, a Pilgrim museum in Massachusetts. "Back in England, deer were on estates and people would be arrested for poaching if they killed these deer ... The colonists mentioned venison over and over again in their letters back home."

Other foods that may have been on the menu: cod, bass, clams, oysters, Indian corn, native berries and plums, all washed down with water, beer made from corn, and another drink the Pilgrim affectionately called "strong water."

A few things definitely weren't on the menu, including pumpkin pie - in those days, the Pilgrims boiled their pumpkin and ate it plain. And since the Pilgrims didn't yet have flour mills or cattle, there was no bread other than corn bread, and no beef, milk, or cheese. And the Pilgrims didn't eat any New England lobsters, either. Reason: They mistook them for large insects.

MYTH: The Pilgrims held a similar feast every year.
THE TRUTH: There's no evidence that the Pilgrims celebrated again in 1622. They probably weren't in the mood - the harvest had been disappointing, and they were burdened with a new boatload of Pilgrims who had to be fed and housed through the winter.

Boozy Backgrounds

Here are a few backstories on your favorite boozes...as if your alcoholism cared for some information.

Captain Morgan
The Captain wasn’t always just the choice of sorority girls looking to blend spiced rum with Diet Coke; in the 17th century he was a feared privateer. Not only did the Welsh pirate marry his own cousin, he ran risky missions for the governor of Jamaica, including capturing some Spanish prisoners in Cuba and sacking Port-au-Prince in Haiti. He then plundered the Cuban coast before holding for ransom the entire city of Portobelo, Panama. He later looted and burned Panama City, but his pillaging career came to an end when Spain and England signed a peace treaty in 1671. Instead of getting in trouble for his high-seas antics, Morgan received knighthood and became the lieutenant governor of Jamaica.

Johnnie Walker
Walker, the name behind the world’s most popular brand of Scotch whisky, was born in 1805 in Ayrshire, Scotland. When his father died in 1819, Johnnie inherited a trust of a little over 400 pounds, which the trustees invested in a grocery store. Walker grew to become a very successful grocer in the town of Kilmarnock and even sold a whisky, Walker’s Kilmarnock Whisky. Johnnie’s son Alexander was the one who actually turned the family into famous whisky men, though. Alexander had spent time in Glasgow learning how to blend teas, but he eventually returned to Kilmarnock to take over the grocery from his father. Alexander turned his blending expertise to whisky, and came up with “Old Highland Whisky,” which later became Johnnie Walker Black Label.

Jack Daniels
Jasper Newton “Jack” Daniel of Tennessee whiskey fame was the descendant of Welsh settlers who came to the United States in the early 19th century. He was born in 1846 or 1850 and was one of 13 children. By 1866 he was distilling whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Unfortunately for the distiller, he had a bit of a temper. One morning in 1911 Daniel showed up for work early and couldn’t get his safe open. He flew off the handle and kicked the offending strongbox. The kick was so ferocious that Daniel injured his toe, which then became infected. The infection soon became the blood poisoning that killed the whiskey mogul.

Curious about why your bottle of J.D. also has Lem Motlow listed as the distillery’s proprietor? Daniel’s own busy life of distilling and safe-kicking kept him from ever finding a wife and siring an heir, so in 1907 he gave the distillery to his beloved nephew Lem Motlow, who had come to work for him as a bookkeeper.

Jose Cuervo
In 1758, Jose Antonio de Cuervo received a land grant from the King of Spain to start an agave farm in the Jalisco region of Mexico. Jose used his agave plants to make mescal, a popular Mexican liquor. In 1795, King Carlos IV gave the land grant to Cuervo’s descendant Jose Maria Guadalupe de Cuervo. Carlos IV also granted the Cuervo family the first license to commercially make tequila, so they built a larger factory on the existing land. The family started packaging their wares in individual bottles in 1880, and in 1900 the booze started going by the brand name Jose Cuervo. The brand is still under the leadership of the original Jose Cuervo’s family; current boss Juan-Domingo Beckmann is the sixth generation of Cuervo ancestors to run the company.

Jim Beam
Jim Beam, the namesake of the world’s best-selling bourbon whiskey, didn’t actually start the distillery that now bears his name. His great-grandfather Jacob Beam opened the distillery in 1788 and started selling his first barrels of whiskey in 1795. In those days, the whiskey went by the less-catchy moniker of “Old Tub.” Jacob Beam handed down the distillery to his son David Beam, who in turn passed it along to his son David M. Beam, who eventually handed the operation off to his son, Colonel James Beauregard Beam, in 1894. Although he was only 30 years old when he took over the family business, Jim Beam ran the distillery until Prohibition shut him down. Following repeal in 1933, Jim quickly built a distillery and began resurrecting the Old Tub brand, but he also added something new to the company’s portfolio: a bourbon simply called Jim Beam.

Tanqueray
When he was a young boy, Charles Tanqueray’s path through life seemed pretty clear. He was the product of three straight generations of Bedfordshire clergymen, so it must have seemed natural to assume that he would take up the cloth himself. Wrong. Instead, he started distilling gin in 1830 in a little plant in London’s Bloomsbury district. By 1847, he was shipping his gin to colonies around the British Empire, where many plantation owners and troops had developed a taste for Tanqueray and tonic.

Campari
Gaspare Campari found his calling quickly. By the time he was 14, he had risen to become a master drink mixer in Turin, and in this capacity he started dabbling with a recipe for an aperitif. When he eventually settled on the perfect mixture, his concoction had over 60 ingredients. In 1860, he founded Gruppo Campari to make his trademark bitters in Milan. Like Colonel Sanders’ spice blend, the recipe for Campari is a closely guarded secret supposedly known by only the acting chairman, who works with a tiny group of employees to make the concentrate with which alcohol and water are infused to get Campari. The drink is still made from Gaspare Campari’s recipe, though, which includes quinine, orange peel, rhubarb, and countless other flavorings.