Celebrate Black History

Every year, The Man sticks it to black folk and shortchanges them a proper, full month to celebrate their history and culture. Even with the leap day, Black History Month is shorter than the typical white man’s month, and is that totally racist – which is why BHM is so important to enjoy and recognize.

It is easy to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. or Oprah Winfrey or Tiger Woods and hold them up as shining examples, but what about those historical figures and personalities who did not help advance blacks in America? Let us take a look at how they hindered this fine month.

Ted Danson
Ol’ Sammy Malone may have gone after WASPy blondes like Diane or husky brunette Rebecca, but he always had a soft spot for black chicks. Being an typical man’s man, emotions never quite got expressed correctly. But that’s no reason to reject the honest sentiment behind his loving tribute to Whoopi Goldberg, the hi-larious “comedian” named after a Jewish gag item. Well, maybe…

O.J. Simpson
Anybody who honestly thinks the Juice didn’t do it, is like a gazelle with a club foot on the Serengeti – unfit to live. It doesn’t matter much that there’s one less waiter and blonde trophy wife in LA….O.J. turned them into shredded wheat, and the courtroom charade and ensuing media frenzy just made the problem worse. If only he’d have kept looking for the real killer on golf courses as he had done at first…but no, he’s not just a murderer, but a vigilante. He’s like the A-Team, but only for his own stuff. Let’s see him get out of armed robbery?

The Imaginary Black Guy
When Susan Smith killed her kids and drove her car into a lake, did you think she was initially going to take the rap? She did what all doting mothers would do – say she was carjacked by a black man! Even back in the mid 90’s, the fear of getting jacked was paramount in the hearts of white folk (and mind you this is before the Grand Theft Auto video game series even took off). And what could be scarier than an imaginary black man? Like the closet monster who ruined countless nights for children, the mythical, imaginary black man still poses a threat.

Cuba Gooding Jr.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. The worst thing Hollywood could have done was to give this ham an Oscar, which not only validated his overly melodramatic “acting”, but allowed films like Boat Trip, Snow Dogs, and Daddy Day Camp to be made. When I think of an Uncle Tom, it’s Cuba. I believe he and Eminem high-fived as they passed each other on the black / white spectrum. And ps, Boyz In The Hood was nowhere near as good as Menace II Society.

Janet Jackson’s Tit
Prurient America couldn’t stomach an old lady’s tit, which conceptually would make the halftime show actually worth watching. The tit, not the old lady. It was too little too late for Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty in the sagging (pun intended) career department, and totally unnecessary. From the lame jewelry to the idiotic explanation, Nipplegate was just plain stupid. When she was on Different Strokes, that was the time for the titty to show up, not when she was dating a bug-eyed 5’2” rap producer with braces who wears hard-ass clothes like a Tweety Bird shirt. That’s right Jermaine Dupri, you’re a fugly bitchboy, and your lady’s tit was just wrong.

Condoleezza Rice
On paper she’s impressive in her accomplishments, but she’s really nothing more than a Republican pet. She’s the touch of color in the fantasy of old white right-wingers who imagine a little Condi-Ann Coulter girl-on-girl action as they jerk-off into $100 bills (courtesy of Herr President’s friendship repayment tax cuts). And as I’ve said before, you can bet she whips a big one out to pee standing up, which makes her not only a bad representative for blacks, but also for women.

Dr. Jan Adams
A pair of malpractice suits goes nicely with two separate DUI offenses. There are whispers of domestic violence from exes, which proven or not, just add to his charm. But he is a doctor, so that’s impressive, right? He did kill Kanye West’s mother, which is some kind of ironic comment on the cost of vanity, but now we’re forced to hear him wank about that for a couple of years. Thanks, dick! You gave rap’s biggest baby a bigger pulpit to stand on.

Louis Farrakhan / Al Sharpton / Jessie Jackson
My three politicos! I was going to throw Marion Barry in for good measure, but what black public official hasn’t smoked crack for the FBI? And he’s really not at this level of total power mongering asshole.

Farrakhan will never be taken seriously as long as his crew sport those stupid bow ties. What, did you think I was going to rip on his racist standpoint? That’s too easy. Organizing a religious movement and basing your dress on 50’s chess club members sucks the validity out of the whole enterprise. Being wrong about a lot of things will hurt you too, but trying to ride the spirit of Malcolm X into glory is not quite the chariot you ought to bank on.

And like Louie Louie, Sharpie and J-Jack also rode their own legendary compatriot coattails. But where the Nation Of Islam can argue a point to their message, these two whores constantly rape black America as self-appointed emissaries whenever anything remotely related comes up. Dr. Phil ought to pay them royalties for stealing their ambulance-chasing PR routine. As if this list of dubious cohorts and the struggles of blacks historically wasn’t enough suffering, imagine these two dickbags championing you. You can’t trust a political figure who is a Reverend as well, because there’s two different bosses in those businesses.