Gouge Away

Hurricane Katrina's victims have put a price tag on their suffering, and it is so staggering inflated that I think we should pay out nothing just because it's a joke for them to even ask.

The total, $3,014,170,389,176,410 — is the dollar figure so far sought from some 489,000 claims filed against the federal government over damage from the failure of levees and flood walls following the August 29 hurricane in 2005. Of the total number of claims, the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers said it has received 247 for at least $1 billion apiece, and one whopper for $3 quadrillion.

Yes, quadrillion.

For the sake of perspective, a mere $1 quadrillion would dwarf the U.S. gross domestic product, which was only $13.2 trillion last year. A stack of one quadrillion pennies would reach Saturn, but when you start dealing with numbers that represent such cosmic overtones, you're clearly no longer function properly on Earth.

Little is known about the person who claimed $3 quadrillion (other than they're a supreme douchebag), which was filed in Baker, 93 miles northwest of New Orleans. Baker, far from the epicenter of Katrina's destruction has a trailer park where hundreds of evacuees have lived since the storm. Hmmm...not even with lot fees and late rentals could there be such a magnificent claim.

Some residents may have grossly exaggerated their claims to send a message to the corps, which has accepted blame for poorly designing the failed levees. The corps released zip codes, but no names for the 247 claims which topped $1 billion. The list also includes a $77 billion claim by the city of New Orleans. Fourteen involve a wrongful death claim, and 15 were filed by businesses, including several insurance companies.

The Corps said it isn't passing judgment on the merits of each claim since Federal courts are in charge of deciding if a claim is valid and how much compensation is warranted. But I am. I would rather see the government pay reparations to the descendants of slaves than to get ass raped by opportunists frivolously shaking the system down - and I don't believe in paying folks four generations removed from being slaves at all. It is embarrassing and insulting to have folks impugn their suffering (and others) by inflating their compensation claims, and the less you get, the more you deserve it.

And now, The Pixies' "Gouge Away", because that's worth it!