The Farley Girl Story

This is a tale of some very wrong things, and if children are present, blind them or force them out of the room. This is for the adults (as you like it).

As mentioned previously, I attended a White Elephant party thrown by Taradactyl, to which I brought the Banksy book, but the hit of the party was the image of Farley Girl, in not one, but two formats.

First, her origin (all pretty much jacked from Madex at whateves.com):

This past weekend I threw a party for one of my best friends Julie, celebrating her for being awesome and to celebrate her new career move. Juliepalooza was to be epic and full of love an honor, and it was, until...

Some uninvited bitch that looked like Chris Farley showed up and started to wreck havoc. She pulled up her skirt and gushed on my couch, I mean full white female ejaculation, not pee!, ruining my couch cushion, she dove into my television set almost knocking it off its stand, laid on my baby avocado tree breaking it and broke a slat off my fence I built this summer. Basically, she was a horrible addition to the party. This picture is of her on the floor displaying her crotchless Spanx.

You can't make this stuff up.

Julie wrote in an open Bulletin post on Myspace the next day:

I can not express how grateful I am for all of my glorious friends who took it upon themselves to come out and support me. First off, THANK YOU to Mad Ex for opening his house to me and throwing me an awesome party. How lucky am I to have friends who will go through so much effort to throw a “palooza” for me when it isn’t even my birthday? Are you kidding me? Thank you to Tara for contributing so much to the evening. From the 9to5 room, THE MUPPET MOVIE playing in the backyard theater, the gourmet cupcakes, and the million photos that each have a certain memory attached, I couldn’t ask for better friends. I almost forgot to mention the Pinata… I beat the shit out of that… about four years worth of anger I’d say. You really went all-out and I appreciate it so much.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I love you all.

Onwards and upwards.

XOXOXOXOXOXOOX
Julie

Dear the girl from last night,

Last night, my wonderful friends went through great effort to throw me a party. It wasn’t my birthday, it was to honor and celebrate my recent accomplishments and mark a huge turning point in my life. But you wouldn’t know anything about that, because you don’t know me. You came with a friend of a friend. It happens — although I tried to make sure whoever came to me great friend’s house would respect it.

The first I heard of you was when the co-host asked me “Do you know who the girl in the polka-dot dress? She is showing everyone her vagina and I seriously think she just came on the couch?”

I really thought she was joking.

Unfortunately, she was not.

Sweetheart, you were beaver-shotting the party in your crotch-less Spanxs. There are plenty of photos to prove it. They are not cute.

Then you took the flowers that my friends brought me and smashed your mug in them and destroyed them. They were a gift. They were something to show appreciation to me and you ruined them.

My friends and I decided that we would let you hang out and chill out and not kick you out of the party, but you continued to be a wrecking ball.

The rest of my party became about getting you the fuck out. We called you a cab. You wouldn’t get in. Eventually, someone took you home.

Now, what was supposed to be a significantly special night for me, is tarnished by you and your nasty ass snatch that no one wanted to see in the first place. Your behavior was embarrassing to me, my guests, my hosts and most of all yourself. It was atrocious.

I woke up this morning, not reflecting on how wonderful and amazing the party was, but how you ruined it. I am angry for it.

Please find some self-respect. Find yourself a rehab. And find yourself some dignity. I hope you are ashamed of yourself.

So one month later, the gift swapping is underway and Farley Girl is immortalized in canvas both regular (giant framed picture) and fantastic (Photoshopped on a dolphin with other sea creatures abound).

Of course, as is the stuff of legend, she has not, and will not go away. Not since I designed a cookie at the party that was a shockingly close replica (which earned me the introduction as "the cookie guy" to all Taradactyl's friends), and posts still appear about her.

Such as her family portrait, courtesy of PatBenatard.
Or my favorite, which initially had nothing to do with her:

The other day on a cold Long Beach night I wanted to warm up with a bowl of soup. My wife and I choose to go to Corner Bakery. They serve a really good tomato basil soup, it’s totally yumm-o. After I ordered they told me they were out of bread bowls, but made a suggestion. The girl behind the counter told me they could cut a hold in a bread loaf and put the soup inside it. Well, my eyes lit up in the anticipation of the carb overload. Above is the masterpiece I call Loaf Bowl

COMMENTS
think I’ve seen this Loaf Bowl somewhere before.