Butt Naked Returns!

One of Liberia's most notorious rebel commanders, known as Gen. Butt Naked, has returned to confess his role in terrorizing the nation

With the self-explanatory name given for charging into battle wearing only boots, he claims he is responsible for 20,000 deaths.

Joshua Milton Blahyi returned last week from Ghana to face his homeland's truth and reconciliation commission. Unlike his fancy name, he wore a suit and tie. No just he, but often his whole platoon would charge naked into battle. The technique, meant to terrify the enemy, may have titillated, but all the same it was a useful tactic.

Other former warlords (with such awesome names as General Murder, Rambo, Terminator, Jungle Killer, General War Boss III, General Housebreaker, No-mother-no-father, General Fuck-me-quick, Babykiller and so on) have refused to ask forgiveness, dismissing a commission many in Liberia see as toothless.

"I could be electrocuted. I could be hanged. I could be given any other punishment," he said. "But I think forgiveness and reconciliation is the right way to go. Yeah, that sounds about right. The keen mind that killed tens of thousands is the right guy to decide his own fate.

"I have been looking for an opportunity to tell the true story about my life - and every time I tell people my story, I feel relieved."

The Nigerian civil war, which killed an estimated 250,000 people, was characterized by the eating of human hearts and soccer matches played with human skulls. Drugged fighters waltzed into battle wearing women's wigs, flowing gowns and carrying dainty purses stolen from civilians. Wow, that makes our civil war boring as fuck.

Before he led his fighters into battle, wearing only a pair of lace-up boots, Blahyi said he made a human sacrifice to the devil. The sacrifice was typically "the killing of an innocent child and plucking out the heart which was divided into pieces for us to eat."

For the record, Blahyi claimed God appeared to him as he charged naked into a battle and told him he was a slave to Satan, not the hero he considered himself to be. He then became a born-again Christian and sold cassettes of his sermons. No word on when they will be available on iTunes.