Desperate Trannies

The promotional Photoshop "picture" has made the hags of Desperate Housewives look like transsexuals with excessive plastic surgery whose heads were posted on false bodies. Vile.

I think the flames are supposed to represent the scorching herpes they'll give you. I wouldn't fuck any one of them with any of the other's dicks.

Urban Action Douchebag

I was going to take the weekend off, being in Florida and all, but the time change is messing with me, so I'm still up in the middle of the night, and that of course means I'm ornery as fuck.

Hollywood is trying to sell us on the idea that "America's Got Talent", and with the pedigree of Sharon Osbourne, Jerry Springer, and David Hasslehoff, nothing could be further from the truth.

When I saw this clip, I stood up and cheered. Potential paralysis + faux concern + game show = awesome.

I wish every person involved with the show got straight knocked out like that.

Labored Weekend

Florida. Red eye flight. Suits. 90 degree weather. 75% humidity. Thunderstorms. See you Monday...

Covert Action II: Lying Moneygrubbing Boogaloo

Barnes & Noble publicly reversed it's decision to not stock copies of "If I Did It" in its stores. Originally citing lack of customer demand, the chain told the AP on Thursday that it would indeed carry the book. Clearly, they underestimated the demographic of interested people who are willing to come into the store to buy the book, and banking only on interested people who were only willing to buy online.

Spokesliar Mary Ellen Keating said,"We've been monitoring the pre-orders and customer requests and have concluded that enough customers have expressed interest in buying the book to warrant stocking it in our stores. We do not intend to promote the book but we will stock it in our stores because our customers are asking for it."

Yes, requests like the one from Susie in Duluth, who would rather buy the book in person in two weeks, than order it now and have it show up in two weeks. After realizing competitor Borders was stocking instore, they were foolish not to do the same. OJ may have been black, and victims Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman may have been white, but money is still green. And watermarked. And with a tingle of red and gold and a few hints of other colors. But green too.

World's Fastest Gay

"I have two golds and I want the third," Tyson Gay said.

If his legs hold up, he can join the elite company of Carl Lewis and Maurice Greene with three wins at the world championships. Having dominated the 100 and setting a world championship mark in the 200 yard run, Gay will compete in the 400 relay.

Aside from noting his speed and achievement, I really just wanted to write World's Fastest Gay. 'Cuz it's true.

CrimeTube

A 19 year old London boy was arrested on suspicion speeding after having posted a video of himself on YouTube clocking speeds of more than 140 mph, police said Thursday.

While the police argue the behavior was foolish and endangered his life and lives of others, I argue that his car, a Ford Escort, must have been about to disintegrate if it actually reached that speed. Furthermore, the thought that police are using YouTube as evidence to cite arrest warrants is troubling. The tea party massacre of my sister's stuffed animals is a crime best left mysteriously unsolved.

Still Dead, Still Mean

Leona Helmsley's dog will continue to live an opulent life, and then be buried alongside her in a mausoleum while two of her grandchildren get nothing from the late luxury hotelier and real estate billionaire's estate. Wow. Fuck you grandma.

Helmsley left her dog a $12 million trust fund.

She also left millions for her brother, Alvin Rosenthal, who was named to care for the dog, Trouble, as well as two of four grandchildren from her late son Jay. Helmsley left nothing to two of Jay Panzirer's other children — Craig and Meegan Panzirer — for "reasons that are known to them," she wrote.

Helmsley left behind $3 million for the upkeep of her final resting place in Westchester County, and her chauffeur, Nicholas Celea, $100,000. The cash from sales of the Helmsley's residences and belongings, reported to be worth billions, will be given to the Leona M. and Harry B. Helmsley Charitable Trust, and not to her grandchildren.

It's an awesome fuck you to cut family members out of money, but to give a goddamn dog an obscene amount of money is a big F-U to the rest of the world and people who could use it. Fortunately, she's burning in a particularly deep lake of fire in the 6th level of Hell, so there's a little justice. Not much, but some.

Man On Fire

After 21 years, somebody finally got antsy and set the man off.

Burning Man burnt four days ahead of schedule Tuesday, and a San Francisco performance artist was arrested on suspicion of igniting the signature figure. The early morning fire scorched about 85 percent of the Burning Man structure, so event engineers decided it would be best to dismantle it and rebuild a less elaborate version. Their plan is to accomplish in two days what normally takes weeks so the figure would be finished in time for Saturday night's scheduled burning. The approximately 40-foot-tall wood and neon structure was supposed to go up in flames in the ceremonial climax of the weeklong annual event, an art, music and performance festival that draws thousands of people annually to Nevada's Black Rock Desert.

Many festival-goers who were awake watching Tuesday's lunar eclipse said they saw a man deliberately ignite the figure at about 3 a.m.

That man was alleged to be Paul Addis, who was booked on suspicion of arson, illegal possession of fireworks, destruction of property and resisting a public officer. Addis, a San Fransisco actor and writer who is active in the local arts scene may have taken his recent portrayal of Hunter S. Thompson in a play too far. Event officials assumed the early burn was timed to coincide with the eclipse.

Torching the man and fucking with everybody's plan to get completely wasted at the end of the gathering to trip out on the giant flaming figurine may go against the wishes of the people there but is 100% in the spirit of being a lunatic in the desert. Everybody will get their second chance to fry and check out the burn, but so what if it didn't come together. Either the point is to parade around like a freak, do copious drugs, display bizarre art and wares, hump weirdos, and generally live outside society, or to watch four stories of humanoid burn. Space Mountain was closed for repairs last time I was at Disneyland...I got over it.

Open House

After disbanding and the suicide of their drummer, Crowded House has reunited, touring behind their new album, which deals with those themes of life and loss.

Their latest stop brought them to the cozy Greek Theater, which I was glad to finally see a concert at. Lacking prerequisite female companion for the pop-rock nostalgia, I conned Scartoe into going. Much like the Rush concert, we were in the younger minority, but instead of greying comic book reading geeks, this was an NPR nerd crowd. The last time I had the chance to see the band, they were at the supercool Arlington in Santa Barbara in '96, and the show had a younger crowd.

Crowded House followed a brief set by Liam Finn (son of CH's singer/guitarist Neil) which kicked ass and a half hour of bland, forgettable music by Pete Yorn. Finn, playing mostly guitar, looped parts as he sang, adding drums and even theremin -- it was a pretty impressive one-man showing. He was flawlessly able to start and stop the multiple parts between the instruments besides showing competency as a songsmith, and later played with Crowded House. Yorn, on the other hand, tried to make like the E Street Band, with at many points four guitars playing the same thing. His music was so inoffensive it became offensive. And he strangely finished with a cover of a PB&J tune that was awesomely anti-climactic.

The Kiwis were chipper, engaging the audience with jokes about the observatory and the Greek facilities, and breaking into a couple of improvised songs. Unlike the review from Shira of their Coachella performance, this set was tightly performed. They managed to play a good selection from all their albums, raising coos and cheers with each surprise in the set list, and several tunes I was looking forward to hearing were indeed played.

Given the chaos of my daytime, this was a wonderful diversion for a night.

Serious Journalistic Cred

It come from the moustache.

Bye-Bye Wi-Fi

There won't be a change from the moniker "the windy city" to "the wi-fi city" anytime soon.

An ambitious and stupid plan to blanket the city with wireless broadband Internet will be shelved because it is too costly and too few residents would use it, Chicago officials said Tuesday.

"We realized — after much consideration — that we needed to reevaluate our approach to provide universal and affordable access to high speed Internet as part of the city's broader digital inclusion efforts," Chicago's chief information officer said in a statement, not mentioning why widespread interweb access was more important than public works or governmental programs.

The plan to blanket Chicago's 228 square miles with wireless Internet access was announced early last year when Chicago leaders said they hoped to become one of the largest cities to offer all-over access to the Web. Instead, the city said its negotiations with private-sector partners stalled because any citywide Wi-Fi would require massive public financing.

Duh.

How could their leaders fail to take into account that city initiatives come out of city pockets. The roads don't repave themselves. Schools don't get built from scratch. But free wi-fi? Bring that shit on!

Father? Son?

Almost.

Meng Power!

China is still the most dominant emerging power in the world.

Proof? While six miners in Utah perished as a week's worth of efforts by crews and coworkers failed to extract them, the Meng brothers kept going after rescue crews ceased digging for them.

With no food or water, they were forced to eat coal and drink their own urine from discarded bottles. When they were too exhausted to try to dig themselves out, they slept huddled together in the cold and dark. I think I'd rather die than drink my own piss and eat coal. Coal!

Meng Xianchen and Meng Xianyou finally clawed their way to the surface after nearly six days underground — a rare feat of survival in China's coal mines, the world's deadliest, where an average of 13 workers are killed every day. This mine happened to be one of many illegal mines — which had no oxygen, ventilation or emergency exits.

Currently, there are 181 miners trapped in two flooded coal shafts elsewhere in China, having been stuck there for 11 days. If only they had the Meng brothers to lead them out...

The men, who each had 20 years of coal mining experience, clawed through nearly 66 feet of coal and rock with a pick and their hands. It took three hours to dig half a yard, they said, taking turns working because the tunnel was so narrow. They joked about their wives having to remarry and worked harder to make sure they would get back to them. Judging by the picture, I'm now certain I wouldn't do the piss and coal diet.

Burned Beyond Recognition

Has work ever been so brutal that you wake up at 2:30AM just to have a panic attack? Or that you deliberately think about your ex-girlfriend because being depressed is better than being stressed out and thinking about work? Yeah, then you're getting burned...

Needle In The Hay

Owen Wilson apparently attempted suicide last night.

While it was not completely confirmed, he issued the follow statement after going to both St. John's Hospital in Santa Monica and the detox ward at Cedars-Sinai: "I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time."

My take is much the same as many others -- what the fuck do you have to be unhappy about? You make movies and get your ass kissed as a celebrity, you make plenty of money, and you get to punch choice celeb kitty. Advocates for people with depression or who are suicidal would say that it's chemical and emotional and that all those seemingly positive things can fuel the problem -- and to them I say shut your goddamn mouth.

Owen Wilson would kill himself if he lived my life. I'm living it and sometimes I want to die, but I keep my shit together, so I have no sympathy for his situation. I may not want to be doing rails off Kate Hudson's ass or smoking joints with Ben Stiller, but it would beat the piss out of my typical day.

Brother Luke's suicidal turn in The Royal Tenenbaums is about as close as we'll get to what happened...

Ooh, Alberto

Later, dickhead!

Alberto Gonzales, the nation's first Hispanic attorney general, announced his resignation Monday. Another view is that he was driven from office after months of brutal criticism over his honesty and competence. Yet another view is that he was the wrong man for the job who lasted as long as he did only by the grace of his friends in higher governmental office.

The president said the attorney general's "good name was dragged through the mud for political reasons," and that "months of unfair treatment that has created a harmful distraction," but Republicans and Democrats alike had demanded his departure over the botched handling of FBI terror investigations and the firings of U.S. attorneys. How do we find out the truth? Listen to the lame duck president with a history of convenient fact shifting who is defending his friend and appointee, or the bi-partisan group from Congress with nothing to gain and no interests to serve here but their constituents? Tough call...

Solicitor General Paul Clement will be acting attorney general until a replacement is found and confirmed by the Senate.

New Worst Death

A hot air balloon burst into flames over western Canada on Friday evening, burning a woman and her adult daughter to death while their families looked on.

Other passengers leaped to the ground, some with their clothes in flames, witnesses said. Eleven passengers were seriously injured when the balloon crashed in a recreational vehicle park near the U.S border in Surrey, British Columbia. John Kageorge, who works for Fantasy Balloon Charters, said the fire started as the ballon was about to launch. Kageorge said three passengers did not get out of the basket before it became airborne.

"One person jumped from an unsafe distance, two stories in the air or more," said Kageorge. The mother and daughter did not jump, he said, although two of their family members made it out of the basket.

"The thing went up about 400 feet in the air at which point it melted enough of the balloon — it collapsed," said Don Randall, a resident of the trailer park who took pictures of the scene. "The basket was basically a fireball. It just dropped like a stone," he added. "I'm just thinking, 'Oh geez, I hope there's nobody in that thing. It's basically a burning death up there,'" he said.

By the way, there was a similar accident earlier this month in Manitoba where 12 people were injured.

Exploding steam pipes, plane crashes, and now flaming balloon chariot of death -- just the worst ways to die. Me, I will continue to die a little every day from the stupidity and poor decisions of the people in the world around me.

ps. I do like that we live in a surveilled world, were everybody has a camera phone / digital camera / mini DV cam and that absolutely nothing is missed, even hot air balloons going Hindenburg

Covert Action Behind The Moral Highground

A week ago, Barnes & Noble, Inc., announced it would not keep copies of O.J. Simpson's "If I Did It" in its stores, but that’s literally just the lip service.

The book is ranked No. 48 on the superstore's online site, Barnes & Noble.com.

"We still have no plans to stock it in our stores," spokesliar Mary Ellen Keating told The Associated Press on Sunday, trying to maintain the appearance of moral and ethical superiority. The first scheduled publication would have been last November by HarperCollins imprint ReganBooks, but the 400,00 tome run was dropped in response to widespread outrage, including from relatives of the murder victims. When a federal bankruptcy judge awarded the rights to the book to Goldman's family to help satisfy a $38 million wrongful death judgment against Simpson, small press Beaufort Books picked up the publishing.

Rival chain Borders will stock the book in store, but according to their spokesliar Ann Binkley, "will not promote or market the book in any way."

There can be no bigger outrage than losing the opportunity to make money. Sometimes you just have to do it quietly so that nobody will see how much of a hypocrite you are.

Sol Niger Within

Even thought the Swedes have no business trying to stick Bill Murray with a DUI, they sure as hell know their musicianship. Morgan Ågren (Zappa’s Universe) and Fredrik Thordendal (Meshuggah) tear this song up, which I’ve been listening to almost constantly for the last 2 days.

Separated By More Than An Ocean

This photo, from Cordoba, Spain, shows a man cooling himself in a fountain as the country suffers through the grip of a heatwave. For me it pretty much illustrates the many differences culturally between America and Europe.

And if you did that shit here, you’re probably homeless.

Defend The Weekend

Breathe through it. Say yes.

NOTY

Name Of The Year. Website, treasure hunt, and mindfuck. Even better than the list of fake hotel names Mike from Phish gave in the fall '94 Döniac Schvice.

Year-by-Year NOTY Winners
1983 Hector Macho Camacho
1984 No vote held
1985 Godfrey Sithole
1986 No vote held
1987 No vote held
1988 No vote held
1989 Magnus Pelkowski
1990 Otis Overcash
1991 Doby Chrotchtangle
1992 Excellent Raymond
1992 Assumption Bulltron (Name of the Decade)
1993 Crescent Dragonwagon
1994 Mummenschontz Bitterbeetle (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Scientific Mapp)
1995 Ballots missing
1996 Honka Monka
1997 Courage Shabalala
1998 L.A. St. Louis
1999 Licentious Beastie (INVALIDATED 2006; Runner-up: Dick Surprise)
2000 Nimrod Weiselfish
2001 Tokyo Sexwale
2002 Miracle Wanzo
2003 Jew Don Boney Jr.
2004 Jerome Fruithandler
2005 Tanqueray Beavers
2006 Princess Nocandy
2007 Vanilla Dong

I Still Believe In Our Congressional System

And this is why.

The Big Empty

Astronomers have stumbled upon a tremendous hole in the universe, and if you think about it too long you'll be terrified and puzzled.

The cosmic blank spot has no stray stars, no galaxies, no vacuous black holes, not even bits of mysterious dark matter. It is 1 billion light years across of nothing (or 6 billion trillion miles of emptiness if you really want to be technical).

That must be where all my socks go.

Although astronomers have known for years that there are patches in the universe where literally nothing exists, they had never found one so massive. The team of Minnesota astronomers discovered a void 1,000 times the volume of what they had expected to see.

Through observations of cosmic microwave background radiation and radio astronomy, the scientists identified a spot empty of matter.

Holes in the universe probably occur when the gravity from areas with bigger mass pull matter from less dense areas, but that doesn't make me feel better that besides the emptiness of space, there's void empty of space. Damn, astrophysics fucks with me.

If Justice Really Existed

Never mind the stupid comments by Jaime Foxx in support of Michael Vick. Just enjoy the cartoon.

Look Natural

Strange things happen to me when I see Jenny McCarthy in a bikini.

I do enjoy a woman who is still deliciously healthy in her 30s, but I question our celebrity comfort as objects of our affection. The pervasive and constant presence of paparazzi has now become accepted by celebs that they're less candid and more opportunity for them.

They know we're watching them, and they not only don't care, but they're prepared.

All summer, the stars have been prancing about in their designer suits, showing off their training sessions and personal chefs, but take notice of the posing and unnaturally perfect positions they somehow end up in as the shutter clicks. Press is press, so why not make it count when they're shooting you?

Cancelwoman

Soon they'll be making shows just to not air them.

Fox's cancelled "Anchorwoman", a reality show about model-"actress" Lauren Jones' attempt to turn herself into a news anchor. The debut drew an estimated 2.7 million viewers Wednesday, about a third of the viewership for last week's finale of "So You Think You Can Dance."

I'm frightened at the thought that almost 3 million people watched the program, and appalled so many more care who thinks they can dance.

The former Barker Beauty on "The Price Is Right" and featured WWE Diva tried to move into the newsroom of a station in Tyler, Texas. Fortunately for some, all the unaired episodes of "Anchorwoman" will be available on Fox's website. Or you can got to KYTX Channel 19's website to see she's not on the air. Not a huge loss...they've got a goddamn dog named Stormy that does the weather. Does that disqualify them as a credible news source?

So...That's Not Good, Right?

Apparently, the government in Iraq is not quite up to the task of governing.

Our nation's top analysts and spymasters gave a "sobering" report on how ass-backwards Iraq is, which probably cost a sick amount of taxpayer money to tell us the same thing that retarded 7-year olds know - we are still not in control in this war and the government we propped up will likely collapse as we inch further away from the scene of the crime. Did I mention the 'tard kid has a bad eye?

Strained by violence and sectarian differences among its political parties, Iraq's neighbors will also try to expand their leverage in the fractured state, anticipating the US pullout, according to the new National Intelligence Estimate. This slickly named report claim some security progress but also highlights Iraq's feuding groups. Regardless, come September, the president will undoubtedly spin a positive report on this year's troop buildup. In fact, they're starting already.

"This is a government that is learning — frankly — learning how to govern," White House spokesman Gordon Johndroe said. "No, it is not moving nearly as fast as everyone in Washington, D.C., would like it to move."

What a ringing endorsement.

This...Is...Blogging!

300 posts.

Please, save your applause for something truly noteworthy. But because no occasion should go unmarked, I have quietly been putting tags on all the posts so that you can pick and choose your reading delight by topic.

Hooray...(fart)

Ex-plants

Flooding in the Midwest? Recalled products from China? Deadly hurricanes in the Atlantic? Recovery efforts for trapped miners? No, the news of the day is that Queen of Porn Jenna Jameson had her implants removed.

In addition to having her massive fake rack removed, the sex icon also claimed to be retiring from the sex trade, but no word if that means film or also her super lucrative Club Jenna website. You can insert your own innuendo about porn star and comebacks if you like...

Personally I'm glad they're out - I am not a fan of the oversized fake breasts on anyone. Some are done better than others, but they almost always look bad and stupidly large. It's good that we're training our porn stars to be totally hardcore and filthy, but we need to stop turning them into over-plasticized Barbie dolls. Not sexy, not attractive, not good...

Legal (Tender)

Hollywood's jailbait-of-the-moment is now legal! Legal to vote, that is.

Hayden Panettiere (of Heroes fame and countless fanboy fantasies) and hit the big 1-8 yesterday and got herself papers to vote. After spending the summer in various shades of undress, goofing around, and planting her tongue on everything, maturity must have caught up to her.

No word on if she licked her voter registration card.




(How can you not love this little goofball?)

Seriously, Don't Mess With Texas

Texas is on the cusp of it's 400th execution since the reinstatement of capital punishment in 1976, and I say congratulations!

Johnny Ray Conner, who shot to death a store clerk in a 1998 hold up, will be sitting down for a piping hot cup of lethal injection instead of afternoon tea, and little can stop it. Not even the stern condemnation of the European Union.

"The European Union strongly urges Governor Rick Perry to exercise all powers vested in his office to halt all upcoming executions and to consider the introduction of a moratorium in the State of Texas," the EU's current Portuguese presidency said in a statement. Really? The combined governments of Europe are taking time to curtail Texicutions, a near weekly staple of Lone Star life? How cute!

"While we respect our friends in Europe, welcome their investment in our state and appreciate their interest in our laws, Texans are doing just fine governing Texas," Perry's spokesman, Robert Black, said in a statement. "Two hundred and 30 years ago, our forefathers fought a war to throw off the yoke of a European monarch and gain the freedom of self-determination. Texans long ago decided that the death penalty is a just and appropriate punishment for the most horrible crimes against our crimes."

In other words, "go fuck yourself, EU".

Texas, which is trying to undo the damage of two generations of shitty presidents and legendarily fierce bible-thumping isn't quite making up ground for accounting for over a third of all executions in America, but it's admirable. Yes, over one third of all executions in the last 31 years were in Texas, four times more than the next closest state.

I am a huge fan of the death penalty, which has it's biggest fault in the appeals process and farcically long wait on Death Row. There are some incredibly evil people in this world that have ruined lives and hurt innocent people, and eliminating them from the gene pool is necessary. Many complain it is barbaric to kill, but when I think of all the victims who've been stabbed, bludgeoned, shot, maimed, and murdered, I think a needle full of bad cocktail or a bucket full of foul smelling air is overly kind to these criminals.

If anything, we as a society should be happy that DNA testing and science have helped acquit the innocent, but it is not a call or cause for abolishing capital punishment. The same way advancements medically save lives now that would have been lost 30 years ago, the same should be said for the changes in criminology and reexamination of proof, but in both cases, what's done is done and we must use what tools we have to make things better and just for both now and the future.

But in the meantime, keep killing criminals.

What's In A Name? (The Motherfucker)

Now that Dean is rocking like a hurricane across Jamaica and Mexico, and storm season is upon us, here's the proposition:

Change the fucking names.

Since 1979 the U.S. National Hurricane Center has been rotating six lists of names, moving alphabetically, alternating between male and female names. Q, U, X, Y and Z are omitted, but all the rest ought to be. These are some of the standout awful names in the rotation:

• Henri • Larry • Odette • Wanda • Gaston • Hermine • Igor • Otto • Gert • Philippe • Rina • Beryl • Gordon • Oscar • Noel • Olga • Pablo • Rebekah • Sebastien • Van • Bertha • Cristobal • Edouard • Gustav • Ike • Nana • Paloma • Wilfred

Did they grab the register from Ellis Island at the turn of the century? On the plus side, kids won't getting teased at school for sharing the same name, but that's no reason to name a devastating meteorological event after a president from the 50's, a mad scientist henchman, or a famous film fish.

When they've run through the list for the year, they move onto Greek letters, which is where they ought to begin. Hurricane Omega...that sounds like the kind of storm that would flood your town, smash your house, and kill some elderly folks.

Back in '94, while we were enjoying the flood of the century, El Nino was touted as the badass of all badasses. In one of his best bits, Henry Rollins disarmed El Nino with nothing but the truth. Having your life ruined by something called "the child" is pathetic. "Could a child kick your town's ass," he asked, "they should call it The Motherfucker!" If ever there was a clip of people being interviewed crying over their doublewide getting wiped out by The Motherfucker, thank Rollins. Of course, his suggestion of calling it "The First Four Black Sabbath albums" is also pretty good.

NAACPlease

Oh shit! You bringin' R.L. White and Morocco Coleman. Daz serious!

The Hotlanta NAACP chapter president (who must also double for Keith David) and his bitchin' looking crony held a news conference suggesting that Atlanta Falcons quarterback puppy killer Michael Vick should be allowed to return to football after he serves his sentence for his role in a dogfighting operation. Let's note preferably the Atlanta Falcons -- yes, he made that distinction.

"As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football," said White. "We further ask the NFL, Falcons, and the sponsors not to permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country."

Because nothing says rehabilitation than allowing a criminal to resume his multi-million dollar career.

Last month, state and local leaders of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People urged the public not to rush to judgment, and that animal rights groups, talk radio and the news media were prematurely punishing Vick. But now they're becoming revisionists, suggesting he may have been innocent.

"At this point, you're not looking at guilt or innocence," White said, referring to the possible harsher sentence Vick could have received had he taken his case to trial and been found guilty. "You're thinking, 'What I better do is cut my losses and take a plea.' But if he saw this as the best thing to do at this point for his future, then I think he made the correct choice." White also said he regretted that the plea deal will mean all the facts of the case might never be known.

Hmmm...yeah, that would be the best move, to cop a plea instead of letting all those facts in the case exonerate you. The NAACP ought to spend their time making sure people don't confuse them with the NCAA. Even Sharpton and Jackson won't get anywhere near Vick's case - what does that tell you?

Hot Off The Press

Hydrocodone abuse on rise in Appalachia

Yes, but how does it stack up against inbreeding?

CIA missed chances to thwart al-Qaida

No shit.

Scientists drug-test whole cities

The fascinating world of urinalysis at waste facilities finally gets it's moment in the spotlight.

One in four read no books last year

Yes, but how many did they start. And do comic books count?

Scientists find ancient gum in Finland

Ancient desk, ancient graphitti also discovered.

Feud developing between Tiki, Eli

No clear cut winner who has the gayer name.

British dwarf's penis gets stuck to Hoover

What else can you say about that?

More Fiction, Less Science

Are all the credible scientists and writers on vacation for the summer?

On the heels of yesterdays non-announcement about artificial life, now we can mentally masturbate the possibilities of time travel! Theoretical physicists are working on a new concept, yet sadly, their new idea requires requires technology far more advanced than anything existing today. Oops!

As you all know, gravity, essentially arises when matter bends space and time, and time travel research is based on bending space-time so far that time lines actually turn back on themselves to form a loop. This "closed-time" loop is what researchers are trying create -- within a machine. The great thing about theoretical fields is that you can come up with all kinds of unprovable fantasy. Other than finding and controlling a gravitational force akin to a black hole and the technicality that the machine could not go to a time before it was created, everything sounds great!

If we were in the age of Copernicus, these scientists wouldn't utter a peep, especially without any substantiation. I hate it when I long for the 15th century.

The Science Of Obscurity

Even Nostradamus would have been a little more specific.

Yahoo! News, front page - "Artificial life in 3 - 10 years"...followed by the incredibly vague and open ended notion that "experts expect an announcement within three to 10 years from someone in the now little-known field of wet artificial life."

Did I just hear that experts of a little known scientific field believe that somebody, possibly anybody, within a 7 year window starting at least three years from now will have an announcement regarding artificial life? How exciting!

Immediately pursuant is the bullshit-valanche of PR from the COO of a company that seems poised to make the big discovery...as soon as they can figure out what it is.

"It's going to be a big deal and everybody's going to know about it," said Mark Bedau, chief operating officer of ProtoLife of Venice. "We're talking about a technology that could change our world in pretty fundamental ways — in fact, in ways that are impossible to predict."

Funny how everybody is going to know what a big deal it is that it would still be impossible to predict any of the seemingly fundamental ways it would change the world. Good thing this bellowing windbag has whittled the problem down to a few small issues...

Bedau figures there are three major hurdles to creating synthetic life:

• A container, or membrane, for the cell to keep bad molecules out, allow good ones, and the ability to multiply.

• A genetic system that controls the functions of the cell, enabling it to reproduce and mutate in response to environmental changes.

• A metabolism that extracts raw materials from the environment as food and then changes it into energy.

Wow, it seems so obvious, like my idea for an inter-dimensional spacecraft. I too am very close to making an announcement. All I'm lacking before I make my great discovery is a power source capable of propelling an engine beyond the speed of light, a craft constructed of material able to withstand 4th-10th dimensional forces, and a map of the universe and points of singularity for navigational purposes. Not really major obstacles so much as they are fundamentally important to achieving success. But identifying what I need puts me that much closer to completion, just like my a-life brothers, right?

Surprisingly, ProtoLife was not actively soliciting investors for their endeavors, which really make me wonder why the hell this is even being addressed. This is definitely suspect behavior...I expect that artificial life is going to make the stem cell debate look like a symposium on Sea Monkey care when it finally happens, but why stir up the shitstorm now, with nothing to show for it?

As usual, the media ran a story where there is none, and a company drummed up hype where there was nothing to draw attention to -- be patient and we'll see a motive...they did their clumsy best to present it a gently and innocently as possible.

Ron Mexico Is Guilty

Michael Vick, aka Ron Mexico, aka Ookie, agreed today to plead guilty to federal dogfighting conspiracy charges.

The deal leaves the Atlanta Falcons quarterback facing up to 18 months in prison, as well as several questions about his NFL career and endorsements. Under the plea agreement, prosecutors will recommend Vick be sentenced to between a year and 18 months in prison, which is a higher penalty than is usually recommended for first-time convicts, but reflects an attempt by the government to show that animal abusers will receive serious punishment for their crimes

Personally, I've always favored a more biblical approach for punishing crime, like when Mr. Hand gave Spicolli's pizza to the class, but I just don't think that society is ready to put Vick on a "rapestand" or use a "breakstick" on him in-between fighting with dogs, getting drown, or beaten for losing. Sure, I just wanted to use the words "rapestand" and "breakstick", but those were dogfighting objects found at his residence, and an eye for an eye sometimes seems lenient in cases like this.

Recall China

From the country that brought you toy recall and tainted food and drugs, it's Exploding Plane!

Passengers used emergency slides to evacuate the China Airlines jet just moments before the plane burst into a fireball Monday on the tarmac. All 165 people aboard escaped unhurt, including the pilot. The aircraft skidded on the tarmac on its way from the runway to the gate after landing, starting a fire that prompted the emergency evacuation, according to China Airlines spokesman Sun Hung-wen. Initial reports from ground personnel showed that a fuel leak from the right engine could have led to a series of explosions.

As a result, authorities ordered China Airlines and its subsidiary Mandarin Airlines to ground their 13 other Boeing 737-800s pending a thorough inspection. Previously, a China Airlines 747 crashed in 2002, killing 225, and some 450 people died in China Airlines accidents during the 1990s.

Clearly, China can not be trusted any longer and steps should be made to take the 2008 Olympics away from them. Panda Express, however, is still delicious and safe.

Drunk On Film

The bastards responsible for What Would Tyler Durden Do? have just launched Film Drunk.

They describe it as "sorta like Ain't It Cool News, but with jokes and minus the homoerotic undertones and flash animation of some orange fatass". Sold!

Fried Weekend

This man is four for four on Saturdays in the office, just like me. Famous...fried completely.

Perhaps I will again break my weekends-off rule and ramble. Or perhaps I will test the fire department's response time and be off on Monday...

Reload With Fear

Sometimes the Associated Press just keeps the national agenda afloat.

If you're feeling like you need a little fear to get you through the weekend, then enjoy their report that the cops are out of bullets.

Troops involved in training and operations for Iraq and Afghanistan are firing more than 1 billion bullets a year, and the claim is that the massive usage has contributed to and spurred ammunition shortages nationwide for police departments, even preventing some officers from training with the weapons they carry on patrol. The Associated Press reviewed dozens of police and sheriff's departments and reported that many are struggling with delays of as long as a year for both handgun and rifle ammunition or causing the price to almost double since last year.

Absolute bullshit.

The article lists the woes of the departments who claim they can't train properly (read: practice) or qualify officers with non-standard weapons like AR-15 assault rifles and .40-caliber handguns. But further down the article, many departments they questioned reported no problems buying ammunition, and others told the AP they face higher prices and delays. So which is it?

When you find out the military is in no danger of running out because it gets the overwhelming majority of its ammunition from a dedicated plant outside Kansas City, the whole bogus idea that war use has depleted domestic supplies is clear. And more, admitting that police have increased their training and practice like the rest of the scared little law agencies after 9/11 just shows they've driven commercial manufacturers (who they rely on) to increase their production in response (already happening).

As they flip back and forth with contradictory statements, the incapable AP writer continues to paint a picture of hysteria and trouble due to a shortage that all supplied info and interviews can not substantiate. They're yelling "fire" and not even looking to see if anything is burning, just figuring that a fire is possible and being satisfied. Joe McCarthy ought to name some Communists from his list just to add the final touch to this sham concern and make this fiction even more ridiculous.

Cute Chick, Ugly Chick

One is Mena Suvari, one is a little baby chick. Can you tell which is which?

Kracker Ass

Uncle Crapper Kracker, nee Matthew Shafer, the former disc jockey for Kid Rock, was arrested early Friday on a second-degree sex offense charge, authorities said.

I suspect anything sexual from him would be an offense. This tubby goofball looks like he'd huff paint thinner and try to mount the barnyard animals.

The warrant charges Kracker with second-degree forcible sex offense, stemming from the allegations of a 26-year old woman, who claims the sexual act against her occured at the downtown nightclub Ess Lounge.

Being the DJ for Kid Rock is like saying you were the dancer from Prodigy. Totally useless. Nobody cares! In fact, Rock and the whole "band" are a fucking joke. Redneck rap-rock is a genre that thankfully never caught on. I'm just following the story so I can read about Kracker becoming somebody's bitch...in prison -- society already made him a bitch.

Waking The Dead

Apparently Elvis died 30 years ago today, and that is supposed to mean something.

There is a morbid fascination with celebrity and death that is equal parts cultish and pathetic. It's bad enough that dead celebrities birthdays are grounds for celebration and the stupid announcement of how old they'd be if they were still alive, but revelling in their demise is hardly a celebration of their life. John Lennon and Kurt Cobain also get the Elvis treatment as their Deathday is annually covered in memorium -- and why?

Elvis had a massive heart attack on the toilet after years of drugs and revolting eating habits. Lennon was assassinated by a lunatic fan. Cobain cooked up a big fix and then ate the business end of a shotgun. None of these deaths are particularly glorious or uplifting, and certainly not indicitive of the legacy of their music. Elvis was far beyond his prime. Lennon was making experimental records with Yoko and was hardly the consistant songsmith from his Beatles days. And Cobain was burnt out from the spotlight and was on the verge of breaking up Nirvana.

All three were incredibly important artists, but the fanatical devotion to their passing means little, if nothing in terms of honoring them. Let the dead lie and their work be celebrated, not the other way around.

Max'd Out

Kickass jazz master Max Roach died yesterday at 83. He knew his way around the traps and worked with some sick artists.

The Sandrak Solution

Cindy Crawford raises the issue that Hollywood spawn are in jeopardy of having the masculinity stripped from them. Just look at her son and daughter.

Which is which, I can't say for sure. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee used to do the same with their two sons. If you're going to let your son have pretty lady hair, they better be Richard Sandrak.