The Dead Polo Ponies And Their Mysterious Millionaire Owner - Is this a news story or a Scooby-Doo adventure? Guest starring Don Addams, and they would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those meddling kids!Apple Pulls Plug On 'Baby Shaker' iPhone Program - What's the harm if people want to pay $0.99 so they can shake a baby quiet? It's a far better deal than the $4.50 they charge to shake a real baby downtown.
Giant Mystery Blob Discovered Near Dawn Of Time - Giant Blob's mother upset by accusations. She says he's just big boned. Perhaps even husky.
Government Tally: 87,215 Iraqis Have Been Killed Since 2005 - Congratulations to Sgt. Rex Bloodthirst of Witchita, KS, who personally fragged 753 Iraqis in active tours of duty between 2006 - 2008. He also holds personal bests with the Afghanistanis (238), Somalians (90), and Canadians (6 - due to friendly fire). Way to go, killer!
Michael Phelps On Miss Calif. Rumors: "I'm Single" - Face it, he's a fugly pot smoker and she's intolerant of the gays. The only way this would have any shot of working is if they were on a reality tv show. Wait, I smell an idea...
Venezuela To Give Island To New Jersey - Whoa! I saw "New Jersey", "give", and "island" and thought they were finally going to bring Puerto Rico into the union and bounce all those guidos. Not that I think that would be much of an exchange...ever see their annualsexual assault and arrest parade in NY?
FDA To Allow 'Morning-After' Pill For 17-Year-Olds - Now if only there was something that could be done to make sure the age of consent was uniformly lowered to 17. It's too risky to guess these days...just because they're at the Britney concert, doesn't always mean they drove themselves there.
NYPD Computers Targeted By International Hackers - A plot to expunge the parking citations by the kin of the city's taxi fleet? A retalitory strike orchestrated by a united food cart front? What criminal mastermind is interested in the NYPD databases? The only thing you're gonna find through NYPD keyboards are doughnut crumbs, boogers, and pron sites.
Michael Phelps On Miss Calif. Rumors: "I'm Single" - Face it, he's a fugly pot smoker and she's intolerant of the gays. The only way this would have any shot of working is if they were on a reality tv show. Wait, I smell an idea...
Venezuela To Give Island To New Jersey - Whoa! I saw "New Jersey", "give", and "island" and thought they were finally going to bring Puerto Rico into the union and bounce all those guidos. Not that I think that would be much of an exchange...ever see their annual
FDA To Allow 'Morning-After' Pill For 17-Year-Olds - Now if only there was something that could be done to make sure the age of consent was uniformly lowered to 17. It's too risky to guess these days...just because they're at the Britney concert, doesn't always mean they drove themselves there.
NYPD Computers Targeted By International Hackers - A plot to expunge the parking citations by the kin of the city's taxi fleet? A retalitory strike orchestrated by a united food cart front? What criminal mastermind is interested in the NYPD databases? The only thing you're gonna find through NYPD keyboards are doughnut crumbs, boogers, and pron sites.
Why Women Are Leaving Men For Other Women - Judging by some of the "women" they're leaving their men for, I don't know that there's much of a distinction. Maybe the next study they do on the subject ought to focus on the eyesight of the women leaving men. Really, Samantha Ronson? I wouldn't fuck her with somebody else's dick. Or somebody else's fake dick. I have seen many movies, and all the lesbians are pretty attractive. And don't tell me they're acting...nobody in those movies can act.
Magazine Takes Heat For Doctoring Obama Pic - You DO NOT alter the color of the presidential shorts. EVER. This is America. If you want to mess with the presidency, keep it to election results, okay buddy?
Hugh Jackman: I'm Not Gay - "But by denying it, I'm saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn't," he says. Wolverine is not using his secret backdoor mutant power, but when you do as many musicals as Jackman (even the name sounds, well, gay), it's going to raise questions. So let's leave out that he's married to an older woman and their two adopted children - that's not screaming swingin' bachelor and ladies man.
O.C. Police Investigate Rape And Killing Suspect In Two Arson Cases - How badly do I want to take a look at those police reports? Did he rape the arson before he killed it? Or did he burn the rape after the killing? Maybe he burned the killing and then raped it? People are sick these day.
Cricket Scales New Heights With Everest Match - Coming up on the evening edition: "Cricket Players Die From Exposure, Exhaustion, Elements After Foolish Mountain Match".
Clinton: Pakistan Realizing Threat From Insurgents - Hillary on the finer points of the obvious - see, she would have made a fine president! I guess it would take the Taliban being a scant 60 miles from overtaking the Pakistani capital for those folks to realise the meaning of "Taliban" isn't quite "student" as suggested.
Adoptive Mom Of Girl Found In Storage Bin Arrested - I'm pretty sure there's a "what do you call a dead 9-year old quadripligic found in a plastic bag" joke in there somewhere.
Magazine Takes Heat For Doctoring Obama Pic - You DO NOT alter the color of the presidential shorts. EVER. This is America. If you want to mess with the presidency, keep it to election results, okay buddy?
Hugh Jackman: I'm Not Gay - "But by denying it, I'm saying there is something shameful about it, and there isn't," he says. Wolverine is not using his secret backdoor mutant power, but when you do as many musicals as Jackman (even the name sounds, well, gay), it's going to raise questions. So let's leave out that he's married to an older woman and their two adopted children - that's not screaming swingin' bachelor and ladies man.
O.C. Police Investigate Rape And Killing Suspect In Two Arson Cases - How badly do I want to take a look at those police reports? Did he rape the arson before he killed it? Or did he burn the rape after the killing? Maybe he burned the killing and then raped it? People are sick these day.
Cricket Scales New Heights With Everest Match - Coming up on the evening edition: "Cricket Players Die From Exposure, Exhaustion, Elements After Foolish Mountain Match".
Clinton: Pakistan Realizing Threat From Insurgents - Hillary on the finer points of the obvious - see, she would have made a fine president! I guess it would take the Taliban being a scant 60 miles from overtaking the Pakistani capital for those folks to realise the meaning of "Taliban" isn't quite "student" as suggested.
Adoptive Mom Of Girl Found In Storage Bin Arrested - I'm pretty sure there's a "what do you call a dead 9-year old quadripligic found in a plastic bag" joke in there somewhere.
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