Cereal Killers

Don't pretend it hasn't occurred to you. You're watching the Trix Rabbit try desperately to fool a bunch of goddamned kids into giving up a simple bowl of cereal, only to be thwarted at the last minute...when something snaps inside the enormous bunny-man, and he pulls out a gun, slaughtering the cereal-hoarding tykes mercilessly, quickly devouring the cereal before taking his own life. You've thought about it. And rest assured, the Trix Rabbit has also thought about it. Many, many times.

Frankly, the cereal-slinging life is enough to drive almost any decent cereal mascot to a life of murder. While the police have no proof that Sonny or Cap'n Crunch are responsible for the deaths of anyone, many children go missing each year. It's time someone took a good, long look into these borderline psychotics who might be part of a nutritious breakfast... but also part remorseless killer.

Fruity Pebbles' Fred Flintstone

Fred Flintstone likes his Fruity and/or Cocoa Pebbles. Barney Rubble keeps stealing his Pebbles. Fred yells, chases Barney, and threatens bodily harm against him. One can see a scenario where Barney steals Fred's Pebbles and Fred, in a fit of blind rage, clobbers Barney with a bowling ball and caves in his skull. Fred is appalled by what he has done, but at the same time feels a sense of relief that finally, his Pebbles will be to himself. Then, he feels the sense of power - nobody will ever stop him from having his Pebbles again. Betty and Wilma are taken out very quickly, then Mr. Slate, and anyone who looks at his Pebbles with even a slight look of longing. Before long, someone finds the bones in the tar pits, and the Bedrock police come after Fred. Shouting "Nobody takes my fruity pebbles!" He is taken out in a hail of gunfire.

Cap'n Crunch

First of all, he dresses like Napoleon. That's a crazy tip-off if ever there was one. Secondly, he's not even a Captain. He's a Cap'n. He's hiding something, and I think that something has to do with bodies drying in the basement. Consider the nemesis of the Cap'n, the Soggies. He's been fighting them for a long time, fighting a war to keep cereal crunchy. Already mentally unbalanced, War does strange things to a man. He does anything to fight off the Soggies, trying to keep things crunchy. Before long he decides that morality is dead and the only thing worth fighting for in this world is winning. So he hits upon the idea of using the cured flesh of children to keep everything nice and dry. To look into the eyes of the Cap'n is to look into the eyes of someone who is looking to turn you into a crunchberry. "Crunch-a-Tize me, Cap'n" indeed.

Quisp

Quisp is perhaps just here to give us delicious cereal and that's all, but thinking of him coming from planet Q makes me think of another letter: V. The aliens from V were here also in a seemingly benign fashion, and they ended up using people for meat. Underneath the goofy Quisp face, there is a reptilian, fanged beast that eats live mice when it is alone in it's cabin. Or maybe it's eating live mice with that goofy face of his and obnoxious voice. Perhaps we should have given more love to his human nemeis Quake -- it's likely he was slaughtered and filleted in his battle against this alien menace who eats people. Imagine Quisp snacking down on a live baby or six, then you can see what horror needs to be stopped.

Lucky Charms' Lucky the Leprechaun

He's already this horrible Irish stereotype, with the green leprechaun clothes and the accent that would get you strange looks in Ireland, so can we just not assume that he is also a violent? In the commercials, the kids are always trying to get his Lucky Charms, and when he gets caught, he just sort of shrugs it off, but perhaps off the screen we see Lucky, chased by kids, say "Fook you, ye little bastards!" Then, using his powers of magic, cuts the kids to ribbons with his blue diamonds, then stuffs the bodies in his red balloons and goes to drink a bottle of Jameson and pass out under a mushroom.

Count Chocula

Count Chocula is constantly trying to get kids to eat his chocolate cereal (sometimes fighting with Franken Berry over it) and he's a vampire. Does nobody see that there is something sinister going on here? The fangs certainly aren't for hulling cacao bean pods. This quite likely is a ploy merely to lure children to his castle with his delicious cereal, drain them of blood, and dump their withered husks in the moat. Perhaps even Franken Berry is in on it too, taking the dead bodies and building an army of the strawberry-smelling undead. You don't really know, but it sure seems likely, doesn't it?

Trix's The Trix Rabbit

If this rabbit is willing to peep on children and break into houses to get Trix, murder cannot be far behind. You might think that since kids across America voted to let the Trix Rabbit actually have a bowl of Trix in 1991, he might have sated his unholy need for his breakfast namesake and could now become a productive part of society. If you think that, please give your local heroin addict a free shot of smack, and see if he walks away content. Frankly, having once tasted those sweet fruit flavors, the Trix rabbit is likely even more desperate for his second bowl than he was for his first. If he wasn't ready to kill before, he certainly is now.

Super Golden Crisp's Sugar Bear

This guy talks too smooth for his own good. Anyone that calm, cool and collected has the mark of a sociopath. Look in the video how he casually mutilates the crocodile who gets in his way. No emotion as he takes the crocodile and destroys it's jaws. It's not hard to imagine that if a person got in his way, he would just say "It is a shame too bad I have to shoot you," and then shoot him, casually walk along eating his Golden Crisp, and not even think about what he'd done, ever.

Frosted Flakes' Tony the Tiger

This is a tiger. He's a talking anthropomorphic tiger with a bandanna, but still he's a tiger. All those sporting events he does are just him avoiding something primal. A tiger cannot live on Frosted Flakes and endorsement money alone, he needs to hunt and kill with his claws and teeth. The more he resists the primal nature of himself, the more he hawks sugary goodness, the more he wants raw flesh. Who is to say that he hasn't already "brought out the tiger" in himself? During a break in his commercials, he sneaks off set, and ferociously devours a production assistant, wipes the blood of with his kerchief and walks back on set as if nothing has happened. Bones pile up along the studio, and Kellogg's turns a blind eye to its star talent.

Cocoa Puffs' Sonny the Cocoa Bird

Sonny obviously has a chemical addiction to Cocoa Puffs. In the commercial featured here, he fights his plan to fight his urge for Cocoa Puffs is to ride up and down an elevator all day. Yes, because what better way to fight off a chemical addiction than to put yourself in an isolation doing a meaningless task? Some people already do this and it's called their jobs. That is no way to end a chemical dependency - just ask anyone in a bar after 5pm on a weekday. Anyway, Sonny here goes "cookoo" for Cocoa puffs and that just leads to morality being thrown out the window. You know, Sonny knifing a grocery store clerk who got in the way of his shoplifting boxes of Cocoa Puffs, the Cocoa Puff deal that turned bad in which twelve gang members were dead in a shootout, to the selling harvested child organs on the black market to get the money to freebase cocoa to sprinkle over some Kix.

Honeycomb's Crazy Craving

I have to wonder if there is someone doing a lot of cocaine at the marketing arm of Post Cereals. Crazy Craving has got to be the most likely cereal mascot who may be a mass murderer. His bug-eyes, his overly wide grin, his unkempt hair - it is either a crazy hobo or Charles Manson. Maybe more Charles Manson because sometimes, the kids get sucked into his cult and become just like him. It is a beast with a Honeycomb fetish who may just stab you in the spleen because he believes there is Honeycomb inside that he can drain from you like sweet nectar. The last thing the victims hear before the great abyss is: "Me want Honeycomb!"