Weekend Twating (Or Lack Thereof)

"Save this, I do not plan to twat any of you, for any reason, ever." - IOvUF

And there you have it - that would have been my first, last, and only foray into the bleeding edge favorite Twitter. Because what the fuck do I have to tell all of you that I can't put in an email, phone call, text message, or blogpost?

Now don't misunderstand - I have a hard-on for all the new technology that keeps developing and makes this planet smaller. But like anything powerful, in the wrong hands more damage is done than good. Let's establish some ground rules for this discussion, shall we? Let us accept that, because of new media (interweb, reality tv, and blogs), many folks who have no business having more than a dozen people know them are suddenly, inexplicably...important. As well, add the over saturation of self-importance that's become the de rigueur pop-psychology cum culture. And top it all off with an unhealthy dose of voyeurism. Now, let us begin.

Much like the top Google searches, a list of contemptuous suspects appears...Tila Tequila, Perez Hilton, Octo-mom. All the frontline of people who wield far too much interest and influence on the public imagination. In another era, all they'd be is a diseased, talentless whore, a catty queer, and the village lunatic who who neighbors rarely ever saw. Sadly, that's who and what you're predominantly stuck with for your Twittering, and there's three of them for every guy who figured out how to rig his chair to twat every time he lets one rip. The newest / fastest /biggest direct-contact technology is being overrun with the least important people who feel the need to use it.

Look at Assy Pig Tank, who had the following interesting worthless information to pass along - presented by WWTDD within the appropriate context:

Holy Crap! Is Mexico a mile from the fucking sun because Kim Kardashian fell asleep on the beach there and this was the result. She said on Twitter:

PLEASE HELP ME! I am so sunburned! I fell asleep with huge glasses on yesterday! This tan line is not ok!!!

I know this sucks for her but quite frankly she was asleep on a beach in Mexico on a Thursday in mid-April, taking a vacation from god knows what, so really she should kiss my ass. If she wants sympathy she’s gonna need to try harder than, “I got a sunburn because I was too relaxed at my tropical paradise.” Next time I hope the chupacabra finds her, rolls her over and humps her.

Fuck yeah! But really, I'll tell you who ought to be worry about this: publicists.

Celebrities - real, pseudo and otherwise, who want to "connect" with their fans are flocking to it in droves. And by "connect", that's really "share unimportant babble with the largest group of people possible". The egomaniacal celebrity archetype gets all kinds of excited having subscribers - or the truly more accurate term used, followers - to their twatbursts, because they can absolutely qualify their importance in quantifiable numbers that way. Forget bragging rights for number building Myspace friends...having a Twitter figure is the penis size for the literal cult of personality. More importantly, it allows every already dumb celeb to show exactly how goddamn stupid they are 140 characters at a time. With any luck, all the work publicists would have had making statements and contacting the public on behalf of their clients may still be retained in damage control and spin covering ever ill-advised and un-thought out comment. Maybe they'll twat the retractions and apologies...how meta!

Just this very morning, Ashton Kutcher became the king of Twitter, which is pretty much the next accomplishment you try after you've bagged Demi Moore. Couldn't have just opted for acting lessons? Or is that too much of a challenge?

Impressively, and conversely frightening, is the fact that Kutcher triumphed over CNN in their much ballyhooed race to be the first to reach a million followers. Yes, Ashton Kutcher, the guy who played(?) a retard in "That 70's Show" managed to sign up more folks than a nationally viewed Time Warner Inc.-owned network. Which means that teenage girls are more responsive and mobilized than the rest of the cable news-watching demographic and/or the who and what that people find is more important to follow is a guy who gained prominence by filming pranks rather than the service that gained prestige embedding reporters in the middle of the Gulf War.

Via webcast in the early morning, "Kutcher took the tone of a revolutionary." (wow, easy does it Yahoo! News) "We have shown the world that the new wave is here," he said shortly after passing the million mark, about a half hour before the network. "It is present and it is ready to explode. You guys are all of it because I can't follow me." No shit, genius...but I bet you tried. Kutcher had long trailed CNN, but staged a rally in recent days. Making the asscertion that Twitter is democratizing media and removing filters between celebrities and fans or big media companies and their customers is cute, almost...lofty. "We can and will create our media," Kutcher said, celebrating his victory with champagne and by twatting: "Victory is ours!" And if there's something we could all really use now is a media shaped by Ashton Kutcher and 1 million of his sycophants.

If anything materialistically good came from the competition is that Kutcher and CNN pledged to mark the occasion by purchasing mosquito bed nets to combat malaria, as $100,000 was donated to the Malaria No More Fund, the charity said Friday. But as expected, the bad outweighs the good with this, and a new challenger has come to table - uberdouche and reason number one why abortion must remain legal, "The Hills" Spencer Pratt.

"Ashton had a huge head start, but I believe in my Twitter family," said the media-whore and generally unimportant "person" (because "actor", "celebrity", "personality", and "public figure" are just too strong), who currently has 194,048 followers. "From the moment Ashton accepts my challenge, assuming he's man enough to do so, whoever adds the most new followers in 30 days wins." Wow, you really capped on his machismo! And your timing couldn't have been better. Next up, challenging the winner of the next Boston Marathon to a 400-meter sprint immediately after the race. And the stakes for their May 17 deadline? "If I win, Ashton and Demi have to wash my car," he says. If he loses to Kutcher, Pratt adds that he and his beloved typical blonde bimbo Heidi Montag will clean their house. I think they ought to offer to clean some of these here 9mm bullets. Here, open your mouth and give it a spitshine, you fucktard.