Anchors Away

Eminent from months of tabloid reporting, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are finally ending their marriage after nearly eight years, according to a joint statement issued today. Hopefully, that old albatross released will allow Ritchie to go back to making films that don't suck balls.

The couple asked the media to "maintain respect for their family at this difficult time," which is a polite way of saying "Don't ask about all the people who'll be photographed with either of them that they're probably banging". A financial settlement has not been agreed by the sickeningly wealthy couple, who must also decide child custody issues. Madonna and Ritchie married in December 2000 have two children - Rocco, 8, and David Banda, 3, who was adopted from Malawi in 2006. Madonna also has a 12-year-old Sasquatch daughter, Lourdes, from her relationship with personal trainer Carlos Leon.

The couple are reportedly worth some $525 million, the bulk of that obviously belonging to Madonna. Ritchie has an estimated $35 million fortune - oh, how paltry! They own homes in London, Los Angeles and New York, and a 1,200-acre retreat (that's a fancy English word for a small fiefdom) in Wiltshire, England.

Madonna is to continue performing concerts while Ritchie tries to resuscitate his latest movie, RocknRolla. After Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, Ritchie was poised to be a limey Tarrantino, so now that he's not making schlock for Madonna (read: Swept Away), will get his shit together and reclaim his title?