No, I’m not talking about the holidays; it’s time for me to rejoin the wonderful world of online dating.
Thanks in no small part to all you jerks and your feeble attempts to find me somebody mildly tolerable – or anybody at all, I have taken it upon myself to head back into the digital dating quagmire, because my biological clock is ticking, and I’ve only got 40 or so years left to sire a child. Damnit man, hurry!
Seven years ago The Good Doctor goaded me into following a white rabbit, and while I never caught that fluffy little tail, it was the beginning of many adventures through the interweb glass. Some of you spectators know of my trials (literally) and tribulations, but not having read the Quarterly when some of it was being printed should not put you at a disadvantage. Over that span I’ve dated a few ladies from the real world and the interweb, but as I get older, I’m less inclined to strike out with strangers at Ye Olde Hipster Bar. Shit, I’m just less inclined to go out.
Overall, I can’t say that I’ve found real worlders any different from cybergirls. Eventually, I have to kill them all and bury the bodies. Bloggage is inadmissible in court, right? Between work and working out and writing and playing music, there’s so very little time for pron, illegal downloads, and skulking about (yes, I have a Thursday night skulking group)…how am I supposed to spend a few days a week hating the people I meet at places I don’t want to go to just to get nowhere?
The dating scene in Los Angeles is brutal. HR nailed the whole thing. How you’re dressed determines who you’ll be undressing. What you drive up in determines who you’ll drive home with. What you do determines who you do. Cutting out that superficial jazz can be an advantage in trying to meet someone, and with online dating resembling a human trafficking version of Amazon, you can really shop for who and what you want.
Having surrendered my dignity and sanity to become part of the process, protocol requires that I fill out all the fields and forms for JDate, my interweb dating receptacle of choice. My last girlfriend was a Jewess from the J-Dizzle, and prior to a brief fling with the crusty eldest daughter of the Montana Bakers, so was another love interest o’ mine. Famous Mom and the family would shit matzo bricks if I didn’t come home with a nice Jewish girl, but fortunately for them I too am looking for somebody from the tribe. In all my dating and soliciting, the girls who had the same cultural upbringing and experiences seemed to be easier to get along with. And when Sarah S said that “mommy is one of the chosen people, and daddy believes that Jesus is magic”, I laughed because it was funny and true. Then again, I may just secretly want an overbearing shrew who doesn’t give blow jobs and has a sense of entitlement. Oh, one can only hope to meet the JAP of his dreams…
Really though, what are my other choices? Myspace? Please. Stalking somebody by proxy is creepy, and just because you and they have the same 18th favorite band doesn’t mean that’s a love connection. It’s also too much like the old Blind Date / Exite profiles, which, like Myspace, were free. Paying to sign up for online dating sucks, but it weeds out 90% of the scum who are lurking online. Which brings me to Craig’s List. How anybody could take a personal ad on there seriously is beyond me. Do you honestly think the same place you try and sell your old stereo components and furniture is a good place to meet people. It’s like the Recycler online, and that was full of truck parts and music equipment. eHarmony was also suggested, and that’s just not how I roll. Filling out their 324 step questionnaire and then letting their secret astrological-psychological-love algorithm match me up just feels wrong. I’m quite capable of picking who want to date, and I know that no matter how many times I put in that I want a 5’ 7”, 125 lb. brunette, their mat(c)hmaker can’t verify that her data is true nor decide if she’ll be attractive to me. I know what I like way better than their staff, so don’t think I’m paying them for that privilege.
Dating online requires you to have a keen eye, to be able to sort the facts from fiction. The first thing that can be a giant waving red flag is the online name your potential J-Mate takes. Avoid anyone who has the words “princess”, “brat”, or “Gucci” as part of their screen name. No good can come of them, and you are guaranteed a pain in the ass of Manhattan proportions. Same with anyone who needs to include some reference to their college in there like “Bruin” or “Trojan”. If their identity is based around mascots and school colors, they’re still living and thinking like a freshman. Me, I may use the screen name “Gentleman Strangler” - it is damn good and the ladies ought to know it’s just for laughs. Well, mostly…
The picture is another make or break part of the process. How anybody expects to date without putting a picture up is in the same realm as alien abduction to me – unexplainable and mysterious. The simple route is to assume they’re just fug monsters who are so repulsive that to gaze upon them would turn you to stone or cause instant homosexuality. But when you see what kind of beasts some are in the photos, the ones without must be something impossibly worse.
You’ve got to put your best few photos up because people will be judging you just for your looks, and while you’re at it, try and look a little like the people in the pictures. Those great pictures of you are four years old, and that was 20 cases of Entemann’s ago. I have been out many times and wondered how the person in the picture ever was the person that showed up. My rule of thumb is to find the worst picture of the bunch, because that’s the closest to how they really look. And when you see pictures that look like headshots or magazine ads, either that’s not really the person or it won’t look like them once you take away the pro hair, makeup, and lighting. Also, if they put up more than one picture of themselves with a drink in their hand, you’re looking at a party girl and probable slut, so stay away. Those who supposedly lack the photo cropping skills to remove their ex-boyfriends from their pictures are most likely still in touch with them, and nothing ruins a romance like some past-tense cockblocking.
Now let’s say you think you’ve found someone who’s handle and look aren’t totally offensive – it’s time to learn a little something about them. Profile writing is laden with bogus information and stock answers, so it is imperative that you understand what people mean through what they say.
they say: adventurous
they mean: slept with everyone
they say: athletic
they mean: no breasts
they say: curvy
they mean: fat ass
they say: emotionally secure
they mean: on medication
they say: enjoys sports
they mean: dates frat boys
they say: enjoys travelling
they mean: wants you to take them places
they say: free spirit
they mean: whore
they say: friendly
they mean: slutty
they say: independent
they mean: has trouble keeping relationships
they say: intellectual
they mean: reads Vogue
they say: new-agey
they mean: body hair in the wrong places
they say: nurturing
they mean: nagging
they say: old-fashioned
they mean: no blow jobs
they say: open-minded
they mean: desperate
they say: outgoing
they mean: loud and embarrassing when drunk
they say: petite
they mean: no breasts
they say: professional
they mean: uptight
they say: romantic
they mean: prude
they say: sense of humor
they mean: watches Two And A Half Men
they say: silly
they mean: immature
they say: sophisticated
they mean: shops at Tiffany’s and Fred Segal
they say: stubborn
they mean: bitch
they say: voluptuous
they mean: very fat ass
they say: wants soul mate
they mean: stalker
Much like the worst picture theory, there are tells in profile info. You can almost always add 10 pounds to what ever weight they list. Call it wishful thinking or fear of scales, but they seem to not know what weight really is. That or they can’t convert from metric. Women misjudge their height as well, likely to wearing heels so often, so subtract an inch from their heights.
Look very carefully at what’s been said that’s not part of just checking off boxes. With all kinds of time to come up with whatever free wording they can, if it doesn’t read perfectly, you’re dealing with an idiot. Spell check is available everywhere, and grammar is just something that everybody in 3rd grade should have picked up and remembered. And people who can’t tell the difference between your and you’re, we’ll, I hope you never find love, because you’ll be breeding the children my children will be hating, just like I hate you you stupid fuck.
And by the way, everybody likes food, music, conversation, and laughing. Plus, one person in a thousand won’t put down they “enjoy going out for a night on the town, but are just as comfortable staying in to watch a movie”, and the only reason it’s not there is because they forgot to put it.
Finding a candidate to sexually assault date can be tough, especially since you’ve got to get the few you are interested in to feel mildly intrigued by you. It doesn’t matter who makes contact with the other, but I think that when the woman initiates, you’re already a step ahead since you know there’s some interest. Like sex, online dating is controlled by women because they have the power to say yes or no. They’re the objects of desire and that gives them the upper hand.
In any case, hopefully you will have some success if you do the same as I, and if you don’t choose to follow me down this dark path of dating, I may keep you informed of my hits and misses…this is a blog and not my dear diary, but given my suppressed lunacy and attitude, you’re likely to hear a good tale or two out of this one of these days
No comments:
Post a Comment