Art Crime

Relax, no important pieces of art was stolen. But no important piece of art was overvalued and sold for and obscene price.

Jeff Koons' sculpture of a stainless steel heart hanging from a golden bow sold Wednesday for $23.6 million, becoming the most expensive piece by a living artist ever auctioned. Sotheby's also pocketed a healthy chunk for finding a sucker willing to pay that kind of green. "Hanging Heart" is nearly 9 feet tall and weighs more than 3,500 pounds -- That's over $6,700 a pound, making it one of the most valuable non-drug substances on Earth. The piece is from Koons' "Celebration" series, and another sculpture, "Diamond (Blue)" sold through Christie's the day prior for $11.8 million.

Absolutely fucking ridiculous.

More than the overkill of the price is the perfunctory spin the douchenozzles at Sotheby's are spreading. "Koons is an artist who doesn't allow compromise, and 'Hanging Heart' is all about making an impossibility possible," said Tobias Meyer, head of Sotheby's contemporary art department. Okay, you're a douche because your name is Tobias and you head a contemporary art department at an auction house, but what bullshit compromise are you talking about? Did the city tell him he was not allowed to make any 9 foot steel hearts? It sure doesn't sound like an impossibility, just a colossal waste of time. And I thank your colleague Lauren Gioia for considering the sculpture "one of Jeff Koons' most important works". that's not saying much. You'd think the thing would bring about world peace, fertility to barren women, and cure cancer. It looks like something FAO Schwartz would put in a window display at Christmas.