Welcome To Bizzaro World

People magazine has named Jennifer Lopez the World's Most Beautiful Woman. Damn, that's the most narrow world view ever...

Lopez has been included 10 times prior before taking the top honor. Yes, this doughy 41-year-old is absolutely the most beautiful woman in the world. Okay, you know I don't mean that. She's not even the most beautiful 41-year-old in the world. Monica Bellucci has move than five years on her and looks infinitely better. It's just another terrible sign that American media would rather whore themselves out to gain favor with a celebrity rather than have a shred of dignity or honest reporting.  Because you can guess what magazine is going to have an exclusive interview with her once American Idol wraps it's season.

"Don't Brush My Hair In Knots!"

You're Dead. And Dead. And Dead And Dead And Dead.

Hong Kong soap opera actor Law Lok-lam show shouldn't have told fan magazines he writes a lot of his own lines...that kinda pisses off the actual writers on the show. Or shows.

Because all five characters he plays on five different shows got killed. On the same day.

His character on the martial arts drama Grace Under Fire (which would have been more interesting if it was the Grace Butler show) died in a fight, his Fate To Fate character vomited (blood) to death, and his Relic Of An Emissary character of a Ming emperor passed away from an illness. The two characters on Police Station No. 7 and Virtues Of Harmony characters didn't even get to die onscreen.

Despite his complete and sudden unemployment, Law said, "When I get a job, I don’t care if my character in the drama will die. If he is supposed to die, he should go on and die. Some fans criticised broadcaster TVB for making him "die" so often in such a short space of time, but they're fans of soap operas, and their opinions don't count.

Grey Area

Remember when Traci Lords left the adult film industry to become influential politician? Or when Jenna Jameson quit the biz to storm the medical field an cure diseases? Yeah, which is why we've heard the last of Sasha Grey.

Arguably the most famous porn star in the world, Marina Ann Hantzis Sasha Grey has hung up her vagina and is retiring from the interracial anal, bisexual three-ways, and facials that defined her career (how horrible is it to have your career defined by ass-to-mouth sex and double penetrations?). She said:

It’s become quite evident that my time as an adult film performer has expired. Don’t worry, I haven’t found Jesus. One thing is for certain, I’m proud to say I have no regrets, I genuinely feel I accomplished everything I could as a performer. I was able to work with the industry’s most professional performers and companies, and I’ll always cherish the friends and relationships I was able to build. It was simply the perfect time for me to move on… while I was on top (pun indeed, intended). Life sometimes takes us in a direction we never could have imagined.

Apparently, her crossover "success" has gone to her head. Starring in Steven Soderbergh’s The Girlfriend Experience (which grossed barely $1 million on a skeletal $1.3 million budget) as an escort and as, well, herself in Entourage, I'd hardly call playing a sex worker success. She's modeled and made music only as a result of the name and recognition garnered from porn, but who's going to have any interest in either of those from her in few years?

Her latest non-sex move was the recently released book, Neü Sex, which she calls, "my visual mosaic through photography, my sexual philosophy, and observations". Oh, the only thing worse than a porn star who doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut (or open), is one who thinks they're a goddamn artist and intellectual. Sure, people are allowed to not be defined by just one thing - look at excellent crossover to acting by Madonna or William Shatner's singing career...oh wait, those were both jokes - but Sasha Grey is just trying to milk every last mile out of her fame as she goes further away from the one thing that made her. Jenna Jameson's more recent career move? Domestic abuse charges against Tito Ortiz in 2010. Keep that in mind, Sasha...

You'll always be the 2007 AVN Award winner for Best Three-Way Sex Scene (y'know, in Fuck Slaves with Sandra Romain and Manuel Ferrara) to me.

See you back in the business in 2013.

Tsunami Translated Means "Wave Of Cars And Buses"

Crapateria

Students attending Chicago's Little Village Academy public school have two choices for lunch - eat the cafeteria food or go hungry.

Wanna bring your brown bag? Fuck you! Only students with allergies are allowed to bring a homemade lunch! "Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school," principal Elsa Carmona said of the policy. "It's about ... the excellent quality food that they are able to serve in the lunchroom. It's milk versus a Coke." Actually, it's about a private school versus a public challenge...for now.  Students said they would rather bring their own lunch, and the $2.25 daily cafeteria price can also tally more than a homemade lunch.

A Chicago public school teacher started a blog to protest the city's school lunches, and last year the schools tightened their nutrition standards for cafeteria-served school lunches. Now, every lunch must contain whole grains, only reduced-fat salad dressings and mayonnaise are offered as condiments, and the meals must feature a different vegetable each day. Meal providers also must reduce sodium content by 5% annually. About 86% of the district's students qualify for free or reduced price school lunches because their families are toeing the poverty line, so they should be happy their kids are getting fed, but the thought of not having the choice for those that can provide is getting added to the already growing debate on student lunches and childhood obesity.

Alabama parents protested a school's rule that barred students from bringing any drinks from home, since ice water was provided at lunch. Eastern New York schools have outlawed cupcakes and other desserts. Nationally, many schools have kicked out chocolate milk and soda vending machines. Over in new-fascist Arizona, the Children's Success Academy allows home-packed lunches, but only if nothing in them contains white flour, refined sugar, or other "processed" foods.  The school has no cafeteria, which makes meeting to restrictions even harder.  And even old white right-winger jerk-off fantasy Sarah Palin got involved in a debate regarding a recommendation that teachers limit the number of times per month sugary treats are eaten in classroom birthday celebrations.

About a third of America's kids are overweight or obese, and since children consume at least 30% of their calories while in school, the thinking is making lunches healthier is seen as one way to counter that problem. And that's great, but if the other 70% of meals they have are pure crap, it's not going to make a difference. But because there are a lot of shitty parents, it's up to the schools to get involved so their kids don't grow up to die sooner.
 

Leaving Las Vegas...In A Bodybag

Vanity, I swear you're death's cousin.

A genius woman died over the weekend after a botched buttocks enhancement surgery. This wouldn't normally make news, except that it took place in the back room of a Las Vegas tile business. The Colombian nationals who "performed" the work were later arrested trying to board a plane back to that country. At least these malpracticioners bothered to get a hotel room.

Elena Caro's cause of death was not immediately determined, as the investigation and toxicology tests are ongoing, but is "foreign object to the butt" possibility? The facial botox injections Ruben Dario Matallana-Galvas (55) and Carmen Olfidia Torres-Sanchez (47) had given Caro (who also used the name Maria Orrozco) the week prior miraculously had no problems, so after she walked out of the procedure, why would they have had any concerns?

Elizabeth Flores, an aide to Mattalana-Galvas, got the call that something had gone wrong, so she had her husband drive Mattalana-Galvas and Torres-Sanchez to the airport, the police report said. Congrats on your aiding and abetting!

Caro's underage daughter, Janet Villalovos, shared she told Matallana-Galvas to take care of her mother when she dropped her off for the procedure. "He told me everything's going to be fine, don't worry," Villalovos said. This is shocking, right? And wouldn't you know it that the Nevada State Board of Medical Examiners had no files or credentials on either of the "doctors".

Caro. Mattalana-Galvas.Torres-Sanchez. Villalovos. Orrozco. I can't keep all of it straight...it's like watching a soccer match.

Street Release

No Fighting On The First Date

Adios, Foppa

Peter Forsberg's latest and last NHL comeback lasted 35 minutes over the span of two games. Pro all the way...

Forsberg didn't tally a point, picked up four penalty minutes and was a minus 4, quite the mild end to a once-spectacular 13 season career. It was yet another attempt for Foppa to reboot his Hall of Fame career, coming back from another foot surgery (a seemingly annual event dating back to 2006) that had both he and the Colorado Avalanche hoped would be mutually beneficial.

Forsberg is tenth all-time in career points-per-game and fourth all-time in career assists-per-game. He won a pair of Stanley Cups and the Hart Memorial Trophy in 2003. With the Swedish national team, he won two World Championships and two Olympic hockey gold medals. That makes him a member of the Triple Gold Club and the only Swede who has won the three competitions twice.

Now, if only Michael Schumacher could take the hint...

Cats On A Plane

I remember when Delta's motto was "We love to fly...and it shows!"...but I don't think it ever applied to animal.

Heather Lombardi is was the owner of a hairless kitten that flew in the cargo hold of a flight from Connecticut from Utah last month. A door latch malfunctioned in 10-degree weather and it took nearly an hour to unload her cat. Snickers died shortly afterwards...

Initially, Delta Air Lines told her she would get $2,900 for the cat and $290 for airfare, plus reimbursement for vet bills and even a freezer where she was keeping Snickers until the ground thawed. But now Delta changed its offer to air fare plus 50 cents a pound, although there's a $50 minimum. A Delta spokesman describes the offer as a standard cargo reimbursement and said talks are ongoing.

It's kinda hard to back the airline when dead kittens are involved. And they're named Snickers.

Nice One, Rooney

(more here)

Get In The Mood For Love

It's Valentine's Day, so don't be afraid to fall in love...you may not actually catch a disease.

A recent study of five U.S. labs shows about 18% of the positive results from a test method used since the 1980s to determine syphilis were actually negative. Experts previously thought the false positive was much lower, below 7%. Oh, science, for an empirical discipline you're so uncertain.

Besides the incorrect concern, it means some patients were given unnecessary treatments, like penicillin, which can have adverse side effects...though are they worse than untreated syphilis?  Syphilis testing is recommended for all pregnant women and for people considered to be at high risk for sexually transmitted diseases (whores, right?), and the CDC supports additional testing when this particular test gives a positive result.

At least a CDC epidemiologist had a wry retort -  "It doesn't miss people who are infected."  Zing!

$tate Dollar$

Down in South Carolina, they're banking on the collapse of the Federal Reserve.

"If folks lose faith in the dollar, we need to have some kind of backup," said State Senator Lee Bright (irony?). To help with his crisis of conscious, he's introduction a bill to look into the development of a state currency. And like all lunatics, he's even citing the Constitution and Supreme Court precedents to prove the bill's legality.

Similar bills in are circulating in Georgia and Virginia, and the legislation is part of a growing trend of lowly state politicians boosting their profile with outrageous monetary policy. The bill in Georgia would require all debts to the state be paid in pre-1965 gold and silver coins. The Virginia proposal would let the state print its own money. And it's not just the ghosts of the Confederacy - even in Utah, one little politico wants to allow the state's residents to run their very own mints.

You can thank the extremists like Ron Paul, who is Congress' most visible anti-Fed leader. He argues the Fed devalues the dollar, and proposes that the United States should gradually return to gold-backed currency. But what he doesn't see, like the logistical chaos of states adopting a new currency, is the volatility of commodity-backed currencies. For example, if a state collects income taxes in gold and then a big new gold mine is discovered, the metal's value would decline along with the state's revenue holdings.

Sure, it's nice to have lots of cute little papers from each of the states, but it's enough to have the complete series of states quarters. Letting every Chicken Little make their own pretty legal tender is not such a grand idea.  Just ask the good 'ol boys from the losing side of the war how inflation and state currency worked out...

Berry Very Heaveh

"CBS 2 affiliate reporter Serene Branson did not have a stroke live on air while reporting on the Grammys Sunday night", media sources reported, but you wouldn't know it from watching the tape.

A Direct Hit!

Sony was successful in getting a temporary restraining order against a hacker who put a PS3 jailbreak online. But who do they go after when they do it themselves?

Travis La Marr tweeted @TheKevinButler the PS3 jailbreak code, and  challenged him with, “Come at me”. The Kevin Butler twitter account is actually run by Sony as part of their marketing campaign centered on the (fictional) character who is the Vice President of many nonexistent departments. Their response?  Sony retweeted the jailbreak code in its entirety along with the retort, “Lemme guess . . . you sank my Battleship?”  No, not just your battleship, the entire fleet...

The tweet was removed and the company hasn’t commented on it. But more tweets from La Marr have gone up.  He says he “can’t wait for my name to show up on the list of subpoenas for Sony.” and  “Anyone want to start a pool on how long it takes Sony to contact me for embarrassing them & doing what I did? Calling it ‘My Defense Fund’” By the way, he later added he doesn’t even own a PS3.

The HDR Chapel

HDR stands for "high dynamic range" — the range between the lightest and darkest areas of an image, and the idea is that it looks more similar to what you see in reality than than regular photographs. The images are achieved by blending several photos with different exposures, usually at least over-exposed and one under-exposed.  The hyperreal nature of the result makes it look like a video game cutscene.

Using that technique, an HDR camera was used to shoot inside a protestant temple in Zeliszów, Poland, built in 1796 and designed by Karl Langhans. There's also a behind the scenes look at how it was made.

Check Before You Flush

You may not always remember what you ate that made your experience in the bathroom traumatic, but you'd think that passing anything approaching more than a pound would register.

Still, a South Carolina woman accused of giving birth in an arena toilet and leaving her baby to die claims she didn't know she was pregnant and can't remember the birth.

Jessica Blackham (24) felt ill during a circus performance and went to the arena's bathroom, where she does not remember birthing a child. Blackham is also mother to a 4-year-old child, who was not born in a public toilet. She was charged with one count of felony child abuse and one count of unlawful neglect toward a child. If convicted, she could face up to 30 years in prison.Authorities would not discuss the identity of the infant's father, and while Blackham is married, she is estranged from her husband.

Arena workers found the asphyxiating child and called authorities. The baby was found suffering from hypothermia, but was in good condition. The custodians said they found the infant with his feet in the water and head resting on the toilet rim. While 911 was called, a worker pulled the baby from the toilet and used a finger to pull mucus from the boy's mouth before wrapping the baby in a towel and used a piece of string to cut the umbilical cord.

I just want to add here at the end of this post that it was a six pound baby she shit mysteriously passed delivered. Yeah, I think I'd remember that visit to the toilet...

Oil In, Oil Out

According to WikiLeaks, Saudi Arabia is writing oil checks to the world that their sand-capped reserves can't cash.

In cables between a U.S. diplomat and the former head of exploration for Saudi oil, it was unlikely the country would maintain their 12.5 million barrels per day output in order to keep prices stable. They also indicated that Saudi producers are likely to hit their peak oil output as early as 2012. If true, it will be downhill from there for the enormous Saudi oil industry...which would be awesome to see their stranglehold on the world loosen.

As a comfort for our oil-thirst, a new drilling technique is opening up previously out-of-reach oil in the western US. Deposits scattered across North Dakota, Colorado, Texas and California could yield as much as 2 million barrels of oil a day by 2015. That's more than the entire Gulf of Mexico produces currently. This new drilling is expected to raise production by at least 20% over the next five years help reduce oil imports by more than half in a decade. Of course, the process is environmentally questionable.

The method is to drill down and horizontally into the rock, then pump water, sand and chemicals into the hole to crack the shale and allow gas to flow up. Since oil molecules are both sticky and larger than gas molecules, drillers learned how to increase the number of cracks in the rock and use different chemicals to free up oil at low cost.

We may not be out from under the thumb of big oil, but at least it could be our thumb in the future.

Grab Your Copy Now

You've no doubt seen Uganda’s first action film, Who Killed Captain Alex...are you ready for the latest blockbuster from Ramon Films? It's The Return Of Uncle Benon.