Montreal Grand Prix 2010 Weekend

Rybot, MJ, and I took to the Metro and rode to Old Montreal, which was exactly as I'd pictured it - very European, with narrow, stone-inlaid streets. Thus far the food has been very good, though it's not as if there's a Canadian cuisine to be had, but the different spots we've been to since yesterday have done us well. We're looking forward to the quallies and the race, but you'll have to wait until after the weekend to hear about it.

Best of the week: Gavin Stanger made an impression on Wenatchee police with the amount of contraband he was able to smuggle into the jail. Rectally.


He was booked into jail on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct, and had arranged to serve three days in jail on the charge. No contraband was found on a pat-down search or on a later strip search, but about 90 minutes later, while Stanger was in a single holding jail, a jailer found a plastic bag and duct tape floating in the cell’s toilet.


The score? A cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles. That's a pretty impressive haul for three days. And for one asshole.


And: Where does one buy lingerie, sex toys or ointments in a regions of the world which frowns on any open displays of sexuality? It's a trick! You are an infidel and sinner and shall be put to death!


Actually, it's Khadija Ahmed's sex shop in Bahrain, which has been making burkas throb since 2008. Khadija Fashion House sells adult products through her website to customers across the Persian Gulf. Most of the items she sells are already available in Bahrain's shops and pharmacies anyway, and she avoids products that might stir public anger. "I don't sell vibrators for example, as this is against Islam." Oddly, other toys such as vibration rings were fine. Oh, the hypocrisy of religion.


Ahmed has not encountered much trouble with the public in Bahrain once she replaced lingerie in her display window with short dresses after threats complaints from neighbors and a nearby mosque. Discussing and displaying sex in public is a taboo in most Middle Eastern countries, but Islamic scholars have also said that sex toys are legitimate if used by married couples. See, those imams can loosen up. Bahrain is considered one of the more liberal countries in the Gulf region, allowing the sale of alcohol in bars and designated shops. Saudis, Qataris and Kuwaitis flock to the island kingdom each weekend to enjoy its nightlife.


Ahmed often has trouble getting her shipments cleared through customs and once ran into a spot of trouble when an official refused to clear a shipment of massage tools and vibration rings. She is not aware of any similar shop in the region, but is considering opening branches in Dubai, Lebanon and one of Bahrain's shopping malls.


Best bonus links:
• Study: Children Of Lesbians May Do Better Than Peers - I'm not sure at what, but the lesbians thing caught my attention.


• Mexico Teen Killed By US Border Patrol, Anger High - That's not allowed...to be made public. Because I'm sure that's not the first illegal killed by the Border Patrol.


• The Neverending, Never-Tell-Mommy Story - Interspecies and underage? Yikes!


• "It's Like A Herpes Nest" - On the season finale, the CDC should storm the Jersey Shore house and quarantine the lot of them.


• Source: Lohan's Ankle Monitor Went Off This Week / Judge Says Lohan Violated Terms Of Her Bail - Lindsay breaks more laws before 9am than you do all day.


• Studies Show Jews' Genetic Similarity - And contrary to rumor, there's no predisposition to banking, law, medicine, or entertainment.


• Four Minutes Of Action Movie Visual Cliches Set To Jesus Lizard - Just watch this 26 more times and you've got a hell of a movie.


• Phenom! Strasburg Strikes Out 14 In Nats Debut - Easy there, pal. Don't set the bar too high for yourself...unless you're going to strike out 15 in your second game...


• Executioner: Death By Firing Squad Is '100 Percent Justice' - Who am I to argue with the guy who shoot people to death for a living?


• Install A Full Power Panel In Your Car - Hands free doesn't have to be fun free!


• Pilot Killed In Hang Glider Crash During San Bernardino Aerobatics Contest - And he clearly lost.


• "Titanic 2- Mermaid Saviors" Sounds Awesome - Without James Cameron and a billion dollars in special effects, a title like that is what it would take for me to be interested.


• Israeli Patrol Kills Four Militants In Diving Suits - You have to pay to rent on their beaches! No bringing your own gear!


• 13-Year-Old Girl Drops The C-Word On ‘The Today Show’ - And I'll give you a hint: it wasn't "CBS".


• Reverse Engineering McDonald's French Fries - Now you can make them at home...because the trouble to make them from scratch is far easier than spending 99 cents.


• Same Newspaper Used On Set For Decades - Unfortunately, so have many of the same stale jokes.


• Don't Climb A Mountain In A Thunderstorm Before Proposing To Your Girlfriend - You know this can not end well. Hilariously, but not well.


Worst of the week: About 100 professional clowns who make money by performing on public buses marched through the Salvadoran capital to protest the killing of a passenger by two impostor clowns.

Now that you've read that, let's go back through because it may not have sunk in. In El Salvador, on-transit clown is an actual profession. and there's nearly 100 making their living at it. And they mobilized to protest a bus passenger killed by criminals who felt the best way to make money was to pose as on-transit clowns. And you though the US had a bad job market...


A man was shot five times in the face and stomach when he declined to give money to two assailants dressed as clowns who boarded a public bus. The protesters - who clearly wanted to be taken seriously, wearing oversized bow ties, tiny hats and big yellow pants, marched down San Salvador's main street in an effort to both entertain and educate passersby. Several held signs insisting that real clowns are not criminals. Clown-union leader (they have a union?) Carlos Vasquez says he plans to issue IDs to all real clowns and urge police to detain those who do not have them.


Can it be that big of a deal? About a dozen people are killed daily in El Salvador, which police attribute primarily to gang members, drug traffickers and other organized crime. And now, clowns.


Worst bonus links:
• Dog Whisperer Host Cesar Millan And Wife Divorcing - You can train some of the bitches some of the time, but you can't train all of the bitches all of the time.


• Secret Revealed: How Crocodiles Cross Oceans - And no, it's not on boats....though that makes sense.


• Kid Cudi Arrested On Charges Of Criminal Mischief, Possession Of A Controlled Substance - A lesser charge of "Who the fuck is Kid Cudi" was dropped.


• Christina Ricci Wants A Brazilian Booty Lift - I think I saw that in a movie. It was disgusting. Or maybe I'm thinking of Brazilian Booty Gangbang 3.


• Helen Thomas Retires In Flap Over Israel Remarks - Nobody listens to the half-baked comments of the elderly...unless they're internationally known reporters.


• Snooki: All I Want Is to Make Guido Babies! - Suddenly, I can't argue against euthanasia. Or euthinjersey.


• Mad Men's January Jones Involved In Accident After Being Followed By Paparazzi - They crapped themselves when they realized it wasn't Christina Hendricks.


• Toddler Falls From Bronx Balcony - Don't feel bad...it was going to grow up to be a hipster.


• Round-The-World Teen Sailor Feared Lost At Sea - Somewhere, there's a family about to lock their parent-of-the-year nomination.


• Laurie Anderson Performs Opera House Dog Concert - Performance artists are shit. Even for dogs.


• Surgery No Longer A Requirement For Changing Gender On Passport - You don't need to be a man to call yourself one...just warn the TSA not to panic if they give you a pat down.


• Former High School Principal Pleads No Contest To Molesting Four Students - The uncontested and still reigning champion of ruining teenagers lives...Mr. Belding!


• Scientists Use Calvin Klein Cologne To Lure Jaguars - Now is the time for them to launch "Sex Panther" cologne.


• Obama's Finding Out 'Whose Ass To Kick' In Oil Mess - Spoiler alert: it's major American corporate business interests and wealthy political donors.


• Report: Larry King's Wife Overdosed On Pills - If it was eternal rest or waking up to that shrivelled husk every morning, what would you do?


• Flash Floods Kill At Least 16 At Arkansas Campground - If only they had lived, the headline could have read "16 finally bathed...".


• Real Housewives’ Danielle Staub Has A Sex Tape - And just like her horrible show, I have no interest in seeing it.

The Golden Army

Oh how I wish this was about Hellboy 2...

The simple, generic looking green army men from many a boy's childhood have been drafted in a different medium. Once molded plastic, the soldiers have been unnecessarily cast in 24-karat gold. The the limited-edition set of five goes for $500. Can you imagine how epic a battle you'd have if you bought $500 with of the plastic versions?

The toy soldiers will be sold exclusively at Partners & Spade in New York, to rich assholes who can pride themselves in a new and creative way to waste money when throwing it away or burning it won't suffice. Press release? Yeah, they have one:

“Each soldier is handmade, individually capturing a slightly different look and feel, so no two will be exactly the same. In addition, they are all engaged in various activities — some are marching, some are standing guard, and others are taking pictures. Accompanying the soldiers are four environmental props, also 24-karat gold, ranging from a chiseled brick wall and barrel that provide a safe place for cover, to a pile of debris that remains from battle. Through adding these pieces to the set, [Chandelier Creative founder Richard] Christiansen provides the means for one to fully envision the settings soldiers encounter on a daily basis.”

Oh, fuck you. One hundred boxed sets will be sold to suckers, and individual soldiers are unreasonably priced at $125.

Montreal GP 2010: Friday Practice

Rybot and I took a taxi all the way down to the track, which was not cheap, but the most effective way to get from the hotel before the practice sessions. Our driver was a friendly but emphatic Lebanese man who, as we found out, had immigrated to Canada around 20 years ago. He was happy to have the tourists from the race in town, and was generally discontent with the way government ran. This motif and personal history for drivers was pretty much repeated throughout the weekend.

When we arrived, we found the entrance, but to pick our tickets up we had to go about a mile in the opposite direction. The lines were unorganized and long, and while we waited to get our passes for the weekend, we chatted up some of the other enthusiasts and ended up befriending a guy named MJ who's section was right next to ours - and also had the same hike around the island to reach the grandstands. He soon became the third stooge in our wanderings about Montreal.

Here's the view on Turns 1 and 2 from our section...the starting line is just of to the right .

Down the western side of the track, here's the straight outside of Turn 9.

At the opposite end of the track from us is the hairpin, where Robert Kubica had the most gnarly crash in 2007. Or pretty much any year. Seriously, if not for the safety features and incredible science that goes into making these cars, he'd be dead as hell.

Here's a sweet animated overhead view of the track, showing the speed and gear driver would take the turns at. What a beautiful place! Here, Mark Webber does a full virtual lap in a simulator.

It's not just the drivers who have to warm up - the pit crews even have their practice!

What's it like to see the track from the driver's perspective? This guy took his motorbike on the course and takes you on a lap!

Dynamic Unlikable Duo Together Thru 2012

Just prior to the Montreal GP, Ferrari have announced Felipe "I got hit in the head with a 2 lb spring at over 150 mph and missed half of last year" Massa will continue to drive for the team until the end of the 2012 season.

Massa began racing for Ferrari in 2006, following a stint at Sauber (who was using Ferrari engines), and over his 69 Grands Prix with the Italian outfit has had 11 wins, 30 podiums, 15 pole positions, 12 fastest race laps and 360 points - but no championship.

“I am happy to be given the opportunity to drive for Ferrari for a further two seasons. Throughout my entire Formula One career, I have always raced with an engine made in Maranello and it is a matter of pride for me to be able to continue working with a team that I regard as a second family." Yeah, a family that booted Kimi Raikkonen with a year left on his contract so they could poach former 2-time world champ Fernando Alonso.

Ferrari team principal Stefano Domenicali added, "Felipe has been part of Ferrari for almost a decade and together with us, he has grown as a driver and as a man, going through some very difficult times as well as giving us moments of great happiness. We wanted to show proof of stability for the future, believing in the worth of a driver pairing that is without equal in terms of talent, speed and its ability to work together for the good of the team." Translation - he knows he's the number two driver and isn't raising a fuss, so he can stay.

Whatever...you're cursed after what you did to Kimi, and you can enjoy two more seasons of bad luck for it too, now that you've gone and put it to paper.

Off To The Races...

In 24 hours we'll be out on turn 2, right there at the bottom of the picture!


UPDATE: We made it cross country and over the border...though there was a moment I thought I wasn't going to make it. Somewhere in the second hour of the flight I had a surprise nosebleed, which I don't get. EVER. Not in my day to day or when flying. But I must have blown a vessel somehow (all the stress from work - and not being there, prep for travel, Scarlett moving in next week, Herr Docktor's wedding the week after), and it was quite a nosebleed.

I moved to the galley in the back of the plane and signaled the flight crew, and when it appeared that it wasn't just a few drops, they found a doctor on board. In the most awesome turn of luck, the doctor on the plane was a Orange County based neurosurgeon, which made me feel a whole lot better about having a bloody faucet coming from somewhere in my head. The bleeding was stopped and after a check of my vitals, I was able to go back to my seat and ride out the rest of the flight.

Starburns

That's Why Alcatraz Was So Close

Doug McClure made crime fun to look at. Using 2009 data, he's moved into 3D representations, and a full dataset can be downloaded from the city’s DataSF website. His version is better.

Bag O' Zef

Who Is Alvin Greene?

I didn't even realize today was a round of election primaries, but I liked this: some unemployed guy defeated a former legislator in South Carolina's Democratic senate primary.

Really.

With no website, zero money, and not even lawn signs, Alvin Greene won. The military veteran will face Republican Jim DeMint in November. Greene (32) commanded 59% of the vote with almost all precincts reporting, heartily beating former four-term state lawmaker Vic Rawl. Even the State Democratic Party chairwoman was confounded, postulating voters unfamiliar with either candidate may have voted alphabetically for Greene over Rawl. God, that would really put a bullet between the eyes of faith in country.

Rawl said he was disappointed, which is a gigantic understatement. "I would've liked very much to be a candidate against Jim DeMint." Rawl added of his victor, "I never saw him. I've still never met him." As for Greene, he couldn't explain it either but thanked voters in a state numb with high unemployment and said: "Let's continue to make history and get South Carolina back to work."

Greene said he spent a total of 13 years in the Air Force and Army before leaving the Army in August. Is he a patsy for the fall election? To be continued...

Lovecraft, Leto II, And Lynch (For Starters)

Kind of like His Words - Not Mine, there was the 52 Weeks Project by Greg Ruth. He's now doing the weekly Freaks Of The Heartland:

Well, you know as an artist, you're kind of encouraged to indulge your desires bit more than the rest of the world, but when you make your art your means of paying the bills, that kind of thing doesn't always work out. It's not like I'm suffering tremendously under the yoke of having to draw other people's notions, or that I'm hacking out mindless stuff for a buck-I've been really fortunate to have avoided a good deal of those scenarios, and paint and draw what inspires me, but the demand to make the bills does factor in anyway. 52 Weeks is a response to that. It serves no purpose at all, really, other than to require me to make a drawing that doesn't necessarily have a place to go.

Doing this exercise publicly, and even selling the drawings at half their normal rate both forces me to keep up with it, and also to not take it so seriously... which I do for most everything else. They're literally for the fun of it, and it's been really wonderful. But the real surprise has been the down-ballot effect on the other projects. Even those that I truly love doing can get tiring after a while, and you know, I can get lost in the thing and despair a bit. This project just yanks me back up to the surface every week, and recharge. I've actually been far more eager and happy to sit down with the day-today work now because of it. Sort of like having a artistic version of working for thegreg ruth weekend. Plus the responses have been really wonderful and interesting. It's funny what kinds of reactions certain images trigger in people.

Be One Of Us...Be A Ninja

The somewhat true story of Arne Treholt and his ninjas in 1980's Norway, kindly brought to you by the cats who made Dead Snow (the zombie / Nazi flick).

iFourth

Gizmodo had it right: "We already showed you the new iPhone from every angle, inside and out. Today, Steve Jobs re-revealed it...", and they've made a comprehensive guide to all the features of the new iPhone 4.

• The hardware design is no different than the leaked version - black glass and stainless steel rim. But it's main feature is it's compacted size, about a third thinner than the iPhone 3GS, but jammed full of more...stuff, and weighs a couple grams more. And there are still split buttons for volume like the prototype. One big change is that the stainless steel rim acts as part of the antenna for 3G and Wi-Fi, theoretically bosting the phone's reception.

• Okay nerds, go to town on the specs: an A4 chip (just like the iPad), a Cortex-A8 main processor unit, a PowerVR SGX 535 for graphics, and a pair of 128MB DDR SDRAM chips. Whatever, right? Well, they're all on the same chip, and Apple claims it process data faster while consuming less battery.

• Speaking of, the battery is 16% bigger than the current one. Somehow that adds up to 40% more talk time, but I was never that good at PR math. More figures:
- talk over 3G: 7 hours
- browsing over 3G: 6 hours
- browsing over Wi-Fi: 10 hours
- video: 10 hours
- music: 40 hours
- stand-by mode : 300 hours.

• The display is a 3.5-inch multitouch screen with a 960 × 640 pixels resolution - that's four times as many pixels as the current iPhone 3GS' display. This IPS-based display (same as the iPad) has an 800-to-1 contrast ratio and a greater viewing angle. They're not saying it's HD (though it shoots in 720p, so the display has to match up), but that's what a lot are calling it. And like it's predecessors, the display has an oleophobic layer that makes it easier to clean. Oleophobic? Hey, I just pass the info on to you...

• There's a bigger sensor for the main camera, which is backlit and has bigger lenses too. The camera also has a LED-based flash for both for photographs and video. And when I said main camera, that's because the front facing one allows for video conferencing. It only syncs to other iPhone 4s over Wi-Fi, but outside developers could one day open that up to other phone users...but that is a huge killer app for now.

• But what about the built-in gyroscope, you ask? Yes, that's been improved for higher precision. Coupled with their accelerometer, it has "6-axis motion sensing". And I though there were only three dimensions.

• The phone runs iOS 4, their fancy i-before-everything name for the operating system. It does "selective multi-tasking", reducing resources while several applications are running. And with the new display, items automatically get scaled for the new resolution - that includes typography, 2D vector graphics, and 3D graphics.

• iMovie for the iPhone adds 1,500 new features, which is 1498 more than I can think are necessary. But you can cut newly shot video clips, add effects for still images, and even import music from your music library before uploading it starting at 360p (up to 720).

• How much will it set you back? You get a choice of colors - black or white, and 16GB will cost $199. The 32GB version is $299 - if you are a new user or you are eligible for an upgrade. Existing iPhone users can enjoy the early upgrade for will cost you $399 / $499, and non-contract, the phone is $599 / $699.

If you still have a tech hankerin' in your loins, they also have an article on what the iPhone 4 indicates in in the works for iPad 2.

Putting The Japan In Planet Japan

Japanese painter Tetsuya Ishida (1973-2005) has been linked all over the web today for some reason. And I'm a trend vetter, not necessarily a setter.

More? Okay...

Angels Destroyed

The new post-NIN project from Trent called How To Destroy Angels. They're offering a download of their six track EP here, and you can see some teaser clips at these one / two / three / four spots.

Countdown Weekend

We're watching the calendar as next week Rybot and I exile ourselves to Montreal for the Canadian Grand Prix, which we've been pining for since January. And the following weekend shit gets really real and Scarlett moves in! A scant seven days later Herr Docktor makes an honest lady out of Weebins. June is completely in place and moving forward.

Best of the week: A porn "actor" went on a rampage at a Van Nuys video production office, killing a fellow performer and injuring two others people. Sometimes, you get into those close quarters and things...well, touch. Guess he took it poorly.

Stephen Hill aka Steve Driver, used a samurai sword that was around for prop use to kill , his co-worker and sometime co-star, Herbert Hin Wong aka Tom Dong. Oddly, the two men appeared together in Cuckold Abuse and and Femdom Humiliation, which is soon to be a best-seller. At the time, Hill was both working and living at the offices of Ultima DVD Inc. Officials said Hill did production work and acted in several porn movies., and on the night of the attack, he apparently faced the loss of his job and eviction. Two other co-workers we injured in the attack.

The always amazing Susannah Breslin, who is virtually an embedded journo in Porn Valley, has far more details about Hill and what may have led to him snapping. "While I don't recall having ever met Hill, his type is familiar: a porn fan who became so obsessed with the industry that he managed to find a place in it, a hanger-on who never got farther up than the bottom rung, a loose cannon among loose cannons who one day went off."

Hill fled the scene and was last seen driving a 1996 blue Toyota RAV4 with right-side damage - truly, the vehicle of choice for a failed-porn-actor-turned-murderer.

UPDATE: KABC-TV captured the standoff between Hill and police on a rocky cliff...wanna guess how that worked out for him?

A "less than lethal munition" was used against Hill just before he fell some 40 feet and was pronounced dead at a local hospital. He had been moving to the edge of the outcropping from a seated position before letting himself drop as police closed in on him. SWAT officers had spent part of the afternoon trying to talk Hill down from the hillside as he clutched a sword.

Video? Of course! Enjoy, you morbidly curious!

Plus: A woman in Galveston, Texas, stumbled across a bag with 16 bricks of coke worth nearly $2.1 million. Not a bad day at the beach.

After looking inside the backpack, which was tumbling in the surf, she contacted the police rather than throw the most awesome party ever. The haul weighed over 37 pounds, and each brick was marked with bar codes and wrapped in a rubber sheet, a large balloon and another plastic layer - pro shit. Authorities noted the bricks were so wrapped so well that only four of the bricks had been contaminated by seawater. "There were barnacles growing on the bag so you know it was probably in the water a long time."

The bag is the first large quantity of drugs washed up on Galveston beaches in at least a decade. No one knows how or where the drugs got in the water, but typically they are thrown overboard when law enforcement attempts to board a smuggler's vessel. Although the amount found was large, it amounts to a fraction of the cocaine brought into the United States. The 37 pounds would probably have been turned into 100 pounds of street product.

And: Kendry Morales took a leap toward home plate and all of a sudden, a jubilant trip around the bases turned into a deflating trip to the disabled list. Punk ass!

Morales broke his left leg after hitting a game-ending grand slam in the 10th inning of the Los Angeles Anaheim Angels' 5-1 victory against Seattle on Saturday. Morales landed awkwardly when he jumped on home plate and twisted his left ankle. He had to be carted off the field and taken to the hospital. He was placed on the 15-day disabled list.

Most of those ball players are hardly what I'd call athletic with their physique, but now we can also call them clumsy, uncoordinated, and borderline retarded.

A smiling Morales threw down his helmet a few steps from the plate, took a hop and then jumped toward the plate as teammates began to pat him on the head. Morales quickly went down and grimaced as he rolled onto his back. He lay on the ground for at least 10 minutes and waved his arms to the cheering fans as he was driven away to the hospital...like a putz.

"Obviously, we're going to have to change the way we go about celebrating something like that," said manager Mike Scioscia. Here's the video for a chuckle.

Best picture of the week:

proper vandalism

Best bonus links:

• Catan Finally Coming to PlayStation 3 - I don't know if one of the best games ever will translate to gaming consoles, but let's give it a shot.

• Sarah Ferguson Drunk, Totally Broke When She Accepted Bribe - Not sober and well off, which would have made her choice so much more interesting.

• Oakland To License, Tax Indoor Marijuana Growers - The road to legal apparently runs through Northern California.

• PSD502 Spray Delays Premature Ejaculation - The trouble is spraying it straight down your dickhole. But you won't come too fast.

• Are These Not The Classiest Knives You've Ever Seen? - They are.

• Nail In The Coffin: The Best And Worst Of Hollywood Vampires - They mentioned Near Dark, so it has legitimacy.

• Narrow Streets Los Angeles - Imagining if our beautiful, grand road were compacted like those tiny thoroughfares of the east coast.

• Hair Is Worth 17 Grand - The nappiest way to earn a few bucks.

• Al-Qaida No. 3 Official Killed With Family - The terrorists that stay together get slayed together.

• Futuristic Mega-Projects By Shimizu - What did you expect from a website called Pink Tentacle?

• The United States Of Supercomputing Against The World - Home of the WOPR!

• Jail Population Declines For First Time Since '82 - Jail rapes however, have held steady.

• Lifehacker Pack 2010: Our List Of Essential Windows Downloads - Get 'em. Use 'em. Spread the word.

• Al And Tipper Gore, Married 40 Years, To Separate - Time to use some of that An Inconvenient Truth cred and hook it up with some ladies.

• TV University Faculty Roster - They're not all TV personalities, but it'd be a hell of a school.

• H.P. Lovecraft Inspired Art Show To Open In Brooklyn Next Week - The Old Ones request you buy some of their signed prints. Or go insane.

• Mayor Accused Of Beating Elderly Woman - He gave her an important lesson in civics.

Worst of the week: Which is a bigger travesty - that the things Sarah Palin says are borderline retarded, or the things she doesn't say and passes off as her own make her look retarded.

On Memorial Day, Palin tweeted the following: "VETERANS, not reporters ,give freedom of the press. VETS, not politicians, give freedom to vote. VETS, not campus radicals, give freedom to assemble." It's remarkably similar to the 1970 poem by former soldier Charles M. Province:

IT IS THE SOLDIER

It is the Soldier, not the minister
Who has given us freedom of religion.

It is the Soldier, not the reporter
Who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the Soldier, not the poet
Who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the Soldier, not the campus organizer
Who has given us freedom to protest.

It is the Soldier, not the lawyer
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the Soldier, not the politician
Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the Soldier who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protester to burn the flag.

I'm just surprised Sarah Palin is smart enough to figure out how to use Twitter.

Plus: Cocaine abusers (and not the folks who find it on the beach) can add rotting flesh to list of downsides.

A recent report in Annals of Internal Medicine noted two cases involving women with a history of cocaine use who came to a hospital for help when they noticed purplish plaques on their cheeks, earlobes, legs, thighs and buttocks. It turned out to be typical of toxicity with levamisole. You know levamisole - the a veterinary anti-worming medication approved for use in cattle, sheep and pigs. Sure, it was once used to treat cancer, autoimmune diseases and kidney problems in humans, but it had adverse side effects. Y'know, the rotting flesh.

Levamisole is often used to cut cocaine, before distribution to the user, and almost 80% of cocaine coming into America has levamisole mixed in. So get that other 20% if you can.

And: "Everything about Debrahlee Lorenzana is hot. Even her name sizzles," writes the Village Voice in a profile of the banker who was fired for being "too distracting for her male colleagues to bear."

Lorenzana is about to enter arbitration with Citibank, which she accuses of wrongful termination. As her lawsuit puts it, her bosses told her that "as a result of the shape of her figure, such clothes were purportedly 'too distracting' for her male colleagues and supervisors to bear." Wow, those guys are a bunch of pussies. They couldn't concentrate on their work because her appearance was too distracting? They ordered her to stop wearing turtlenecks? Forbidden to wear pencil skirts, three-inch heels, and fitted business suits? They didn't deserve to enjoy it if they couldn't handle it.

Lorenzana is a 33-year-old single mom, and pointed out female colleagues whose clothing was far more revealing than hers: "They said their body shapes were different from mine, and I drew too much attention," she says. They should have just hired more hot chicks.

Worst picture of the week:

the sad truth

Worst bonus links:

• Poll: Should Bret Michaels Replace Simon Cowell On American Idol - No. And why the fuck would you think he should?

• Prescott, Ariz., Elementary School To 'Whiten' Image Of Child In Mural - I believe the correct term is whitewashing.

• Cameron Diaz: Lots Of Sex Is My Fountain Of Youth - With who, you crone?

• Taxi Driver Kills 12, Wounds 25 In England - Sounds like he was more like the American Taxi Driver.

• Celine Dion Pregnant Again At Last...With Twins - Two more unholy spawn? Science does not always make miracles.

• 'Bombshell' McGee Admits Anti-Semitism - So, I guess those Nazi tattoos and clothes did mean you were a racist whore.

• China Sets New Rules Banning Confessions By Torture / Foxconn Raises Worker Pay By 30% After Suicides - See, China is on the right track.

• Online Dating Ghostwriter - If somebody needs to ghost write your profile and correspond, you were properly left out of the dating pool.

• Mariah Carey Shows Off New Pregnancy Curves! / Mariah Carey & Nick Cannon Have Familiar Baby Name In Mind - Great, seven more months of useless Mariah Carey baby stories.

• California Bans Plastic Bags - Must we all look like hippie douches carrying canvas sacks?

• Singer Leona Lewis Fell Down An Elevator Shaft! - Put her in your dead pool, because she is a magnet for pain.

• The 66 Most Overrated Women Of 2010 / 15 Of The Worst Kinds of Boobs (Yes, Really) - Putting a little feminine flavor in the worst links.

• Rossi Wants To Be Third Ferrari Driver - They have a hard enough time with Massa being their second driver. Three is two too many.

• Laura Ling Names Baby After Sister And Bill Clinton - So was it a boy or a girl. Or does it matter?

• One-Time JonBenet Suspect Recruiting Kids / Holloway Suspect Sought In Peru Murder - Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

• Titanic Director Cameron Joins Effort To Plug Gulf Spill - Just because you made 3D cat-monkeys and a film about a boat doesn't make you qualified to fix an oil leak.

• Kristen Stewart: Fame Is Like Being Raped - Sometimes I wish lots of fame on Hollywood's less-than-elite.

Suck...Er, Ball

Adidas dropped some big bucks to be an official World Cup sponsor ,and maneuver into the position where they're making the official match ball - and more importantly, the angle for manufacturing and distribution worldwide. The only problem is, some players have been pretty vocal about what a piece of shit it is.

"The ball is dreadful," said England goalkeeper David James. "It's horrible, but it's horrible for everyone. It will allow some extra goals, but leave some goalkeepers looking daft." Top net minder Julio Cesar (Brazil) called it "terrible" and even compared it to a cheapo balloon-ball you'd find in a supermarket. Italian striker Giampaolo Pazzini called the ball a "disaster," and Cesar's teammate, striker Luis Fabiano, also complained about the ball's unpredictable trajectory. "You are going to kick it and it moves out of the way...I think it's supernatural. It's very bad."

This World Cup ball is called "Jabulani", which means "to celebrate" in the Bantu language isiZulu, one of the official languages of South Africa where the tournament is being held. Adidas raves about Jabulani, calling it "the most innovative ball ever made," and claims that its "Grip N' Groove" technology makes the ball "the most accurate and roundest" in history. Ready for some of their PR? "The Jabulani has been extensively tested to meet FIFA standards and is 27% more accurate than match balls on the market today. We feel confident that the World Cup will be a success and the ball will be one of the most visible icons of the event."

The sporting giant used only 8 different panels to build this ball, a far cry from the 32 they introduced on the 1970 Telstar model, but the company insists it keeps the shots straight. Tiny grooves on the ball also capture wind currents, keeping air off the surface, resulting in a more true flight, they say. Adidas has pointed out that many top pro teams have used the ball since December without complaint, and the most vocal complaints have come from teams outfitted by their rivals Puma and Nike. And on that note, feign surprise that Germany has been super complimentary - they're sponsored head-to-toe by Adidas and home to company's headquarters.

The company insists that the controversy will subside once the matches start, but athletes are temperamental and don't like playing with other peoples balls. Especially if they're used to playing with their own.

Howdy, Pilgrim

It's totally for the tween generation, but the campy video-game style and comic silliness from which it's based has warmed me up.

USBitchin'

Instructables has all kinds of badass projects, like this crafty USB power outlet installation for your car. Here's the basics - click on each step for details and step-by-step pictures:

step 1Finding a location for the USB power plug
In the 2010 Prius III there is an unused outlet next to the 12volt aux power in the front center console. I disassembled the center console and removed the plastic housing of the blank outlet and the 12volt aux.

step 2The USB 12 volt car adapter
I disassembled a Dynex USB power adapter and removed the circuit board from the plastic housing, then removed the 12 volt supply wires. The supply wires were springs and such, and too bulky to reuse.

step 3Preparing the blank cover
Once the blank cover (plug) is removed, I found it to be filled with a dense lattice of plastic. To fit the USB power circuit in it, a lot of the plastic needed to be cut out. Using an Exacto knife, and a box
cutter, I cleared the inside of the cover.

step 4Fitting the USB circuit board
I used a Dremel tool with a grinding attachment to slim down the USB's circuit board until it slid into the hollowed out cover. Once the fit was right, it was time to make the hole on the face to access the USB plug.

step 5Making the hole for the USB power
I approximated the center of the USB plug and drilled a tiny hole through the face of the blank accessory plug.

step 6Wiring
Once I trimmed the opening, It was time to wire the 12 volt power to the USB adapter. Since the 12 volt accessory was right next to it, I soldered the ground from the USB board to the cigarette adapter, and attached the positive end to a nut on the back.

step 7Fixing the LED
The USB board has a 2 color LED to indicate power and charging. I wanted the light to shine behind the USB plug, so I de-soldered the LED and repositioned it to face forward. I had to add some wire to the board to attach the LED, but it was not hard, and could be done by a beginner.

step 8Securing the USB board
After making sure the 12 volt accessory and USB power were working, the package needed to be glued into place to prevent it falling back into the center console. I used a general auto glue that holds tight, but remains slightly flexible.

step 9Final install
I let the glue cure overnight. After testing the power out one more time, I slipped the plastic housing back into place.

...And Then There Was One

Rue McClanahan set her alarm this morning to deadly stroke, and now, the actress who paved the old vagina road for Samantha from Sex And The City as Blanche Devereaux in The Golden Girls, has passed at 76.

The actress scored an Emmy for her work on the show in 1987, but had had an active career starting in off-Broadway and regional stages in the 1960s. She played opposite Bea Arthur in Maude, and was a regular in Mama's Family before landing her most famous role. McClanahan was married six times - here's a list of those who've been balls deep: Tom Bish, Norman Hartweg, Peter D'Maio, Gus Fisher, Tom Keel and Morrow Wilson

With McClanahan's death, Warming Glow is predicting Betty White calling it quits within the next 12 months:

"Estelle Getty died in the summer of 2008, followed by Bea Arthur last summer. I don’t mean to take away from the sad event of a person’s death, but I’m just sayin’, if your office has a death pool… you know what to do..."

I don't have much to add because I thought she was already dead. I will say we could be starting another summer of celebrity deaths - it's been a busy week!

Virtual Reality

Avatar Days is a short film by Cormac Kelly about four Irish World Of Warcraft players. The gooch is that instead of just following their lives, they're all replaced on screen with their in-game avatars.

Koonstastrophe

Bayerische Motoren Werke has occasionally invited artists to use its cars as canvases. Sometimes, they get an M1 Group 4 racer painted by Andy Warhol. And sometimes they get a BMW M3 GTS painted by Jeff Koons.

Koons, you ask? Yes, he's a far overrated "artist" that will have his seizure inducing crapsterpiece compete in the 24 Hours of Le Mans next week.

"These race cars are lifelike, they are powerful and there is a lot of energy," Koons said. "You can participate with it, add to it and let yourself transcend with its energy. There is a lot of power under that hood and I want to let my ideas transcend with the car — it’s really to connect with that power." That is some pretentious bullshit.

The design isn’t actually painted on the car; it’s a vinyl wrap covered with two layers of clear coat. BMW says the wrap was lighter than paint and it could be applied much more quickly, but I think we all know is that they didn't want to ruin the car by making the paint job permanent. Koons had two months to complete the project, though it looks like something an Intro to Art student did for an assignment.

Koons has wanted to design an art car since 2003, when he first approached BMW about the idea. Looks as though BMW finally got worn down, and for that, our eyes must suffer.

Rate My Stupidity

A Florida (of course!) man was arrested and briefly jailed for posting a local police officer’s home address online. Well, it was RateMyCop.com. Really.

“Just because I posted it, I got arrested. It wasn’t like it was the Pentagon Papers,” Robert Brayshaw (35) said. Yes, just point out your crime isn't as big a deal. Soon, murderers can go free as long as it's not more than two dead.

Genius spent nearly three hours in jail and was prosecuted under a 1972 statute making it unlawful to publish personally identifying information of a police officer. Eventually, a federal judge declared the First Amendment trumped Florida’s law meant to protect the privacy of police officers, and now Florida and Tallahassee authorities must pay $60,000 in damages and legal fees to Brayshaw and his ACLU lawyers. That'll come in handy since he's unemployed, and added it's been difficult to get a job because of his 2008 arrest. Not because he's too dull to have common sense.

Brayshaw had a beef with the officer regarding a trespassing flap in which he was not charged, ignorantly admitting she “basically had her information listed publicly in the phone book," as justification. He posted to the site, uses public-records requests to gather the names and, in some cases, badge numbers of thousands of uniformed cops at police departments around the country, and allows users to post comments about police they’ve interacted with.

Brayshaw posted anonymous comments about Officer Annette Garrett, as well as her name and home address — information not normally cataloged by the site. He wrote that Garrett was rude to him when investigating a trespass call at an apartment complex he was managing. “This is the dumbest case in America,” he said, not realizing how dumb it is to post a policeman's personal info on the web.

The authorities subpoenaed RateMyCop and Brayshaw’s internet service provider to learn his identity, then booked him under the Florida law — a misdemeanor carrying up to a year in jail. The case was later dismissed against Brayshaw for procedural reasons, but his balls were just too huge after skipping on a technicality, so he sued, claiming the statute chills his speech. The First Amendment does not protect "true threats, fighting words, incitements to imminent lawless action, and classes of lewd and obscene speech," said the judge, and did not feel that publishing an officer’s phone number and address is "in itself a threat or serious expression of an intent to commit an unlawful act of violence." It's not there so strangers can send a thank you note.

Some cops are real fucking jerks, but if you've got a grudge, that's the last group you want to pick a fight with.

The Only Worthwhile Thing About Indy Racing

Far more dramatic looking than the Webber / Vettel tangle in Turkey over the weekend, but hardly as meaningful to the race. Or the season.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back To The Theater

CHUD member Devin reminds us why classics are just that...

Once a year you should revisit Jaws and remind yourself of how it's done. A perfect movie, Jaws is just as effective and amazing today - on my hundredth or so viewing - as it was when it was first released. There's very little in Jaws that has really aged, but if the movie were made today it would be a completely and totally different beast.

What if Jaws were made today? Not a remake or a reboot, but what if Spielberg's movie had never happened (but the world of cinema it inspired somehow still did), and somebody took a shot at Peter Benchley's novel in 2010? This is what I think it might look like:

• There would be a new title. Jaws is too minimalist these days, so Universal would probably rename the film Jaws: Rise of the Great White.

• JJ Abrams directs from a script by Kurtzman and Orci. While the writers insist that they grew up on the novel, Abrams says that he always preferred The Deep.

• Sam Worthington stars as Chief Brody. He has an extensive backstory where we learn that during his time as an NYPD cop he killed a kid on the Staten Island Ferry. Since then he has been afraid of water, and unwilling to use a gun.

• Michael Cera stars as Matt Hooper. He has an extensive backstory where we learn that his connection to the shark is deeply personal.

• Samuel L. Jackson stars as Quint.

• Zoe Saldana is Ellen Brody. As in the book, she has an affair with Matt Hooper.

• Justin Bieber stars as Michael Brody, who stows away on the Orca before the main trio take off.

• This movie wouldn't keep audiences questioning where the shark came from, or why it's so smart. An extensive shark backstory is developed and included, helping bring the film's runtime to a solid 2:40. It turns out that Hooper's rich dad paid for extensive bioengineering experiments on sharks, and the result is a Great White like we've never seen before.

• Amity Island is too square. The action is moved to Miami Beach or Ibiza (depending on what sort of upfront foreign investments there are).

• It's in 3D IMAX. But it wasn't shot in either format. Duh.

• Of course there's a CGI shark, but this CGI shark will be doing things no other CGI shark has ever done, including insane acrobatics. But more importantly this is a character story, so Andy Serkis will be hired to do the mocap for the CGI shark.

• The shark is loud. Every time the shark glides past the camera or jumps out of the water it's accompanied by a massive outpouring of foley work - whooshes and crashes thunder. Whenever the shark opens its mouth there is the sound of all the animals in the zoo, smashed into one noise.

• The score is by Hans Zimmer, or a member of his factory. It will play over every single second of the motion picture.

• All of the Orca scenes are shot against a greenscreen in a water tank. It's just more reasonable on the budget.

• Producers will boast about the SharkVision scenes, explaining that new FX technology has allowed them to truly recreate the vibrational way that sharks see the world. This is where all that budget went.

• Quint doesn't die. That's too big a bummer. Michael saves him, and the crusty old seaman learns a valuable lesson about friendship.

• The shark is defeated when Brody, remembering a passage in one of the old books he flipped through, realizes this is his Destiny. He is finally able to pull the trigger, exploding the oxygen tank in the shark's mouth. This, of course, happens after a 20 minute aquatic chase through a marina, an off-shore oil platform and a water park.

• The last shot of the film is now a slow pullback to reveal a whole school of Great Whites, closing in on the sandy white beaches of Miami.

• Webisodes are released revealing the important missing moments, like what happened to Ben Gardner, what Hooper did after the cage was destroyed, and how Michael won his school talent show with an original song.

• Producers announce that Jaws: Rise of the Great White is just the beginning of a trilogy. Coming in 2012 is Jaws 2: Red Waters of Vengeance, and in 2013 is the prequel, Jaws: Fall of the Indianapolis. T.I. is cast to play the young Quint in that film.

Thanks For The Research

I would have done it, but I was too busy...well, you know...

Slick Paint Job

I don't normally do ads, but they're an F1 sponsor, so it's okay.