He's So Ronery...And Dead

I think that's an adequate portrait of the dictator, but there's also a proper obit.

The Two Faces Of Public Service

No one visually embodies the type of person who has no business telling you or anybody else how you can have sex or use your body than  LA City Councilman Paul Koretz. That's him on the right.

Koretz feels the best approach to eliminate AIDS from the adult industry - which is unquestionably more important than eliminating AIDS from the community, is to mandate condoms in adult films.  Getting on board with the proposal put forth by Michael Weinstein and the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, who collected more than 70,000 signatures calling for a condom-in-porn measure on the city ballot, he underestimated one small obstacle - Carmen Trutanich.

The City Attorney filed a complaint in Superior Court, saying that "Los Angeles voters have no power to adopt the proposed measure," because only the state -- not the city -- has the ability to make such rules.  While it's not clear where Trutanich stands on the issue itself, I like the fact that he's looking at the situation with a clear and level head, which just happens to prevent human slugs like Paul Koretz from putting rubbers on people who fuck consensually for money on camera.

Like a good bureaucrat, Trutanich raises the question that a voter-approved condom requirement could attract a lawsuit, forcing “the needless and wasteful expenditure of public resources made in connection with a measure which the voters have no power to adopt.”  He pointed out for Koretz and others who want their agenda to supersede what's legal, that his complaint, which helps freeze the action, seeks "judicial clarification to see if the city of Los Angeles is pre-empted from regulating condoms in adult film shoots or whether those powers are relegated to other state agencies." 

The response?  Trutanich's action to block the ballot measure is "anti-democratic", according to Koretz. "Usually, we have the people have their say first," he added.  No, you disgusting troll, the people get to have their say in the appropriate forum and under the of framework of the law.  That's why as far as you'll get in government is councilman.  And aside from keeping porn raw, I'm happy to see my local tax dollars not being wasted on bad legislation and the challenges that will surround it.  Koretz should worry about the bigger picture and bigger problem of AIDS, and not other people's literal fucking business.

Krusty Burger = Los Pollos Hermanos

College Humor's Internet Justice League

Fetal Corpse Syndrome

Last week, I put on my floaties and waded out into the deep end of the Lake of Fire to show anything but sympathy for the dead baby of The Duggars, and now I think I'm justified in my contempt for that family.

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar made a spectacle of their dead baby at a memorial service, which was in conjunction with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, a "non-profit organization that helps families deal with the miscarriage and loss of their babies" - by taking photos of their dead babies.

Shockingly, pictures of Jubilee Shalom Duggar that were supposed to be taken for the family to keep and use at the memorial service somehow "got released" without the Duggars consent.  Sure they did.  And maybe they shouldn't distributed them to the hundreds of people attending the memorial in Springdale, Arkansas.  Or pose for publicity photos like the one above.

If you want to see tiny dead hands and feet being held, you can check out this link.

More

Cholombians

VICE magazine has the back story on the latest trend out of Northern Mexico.

You Can't Keep A Douchebag Down

Donald Trump announced that he will no longer moderate the Newsmax-sponsored GOP debate planned for later this month, and of course, there's spin.

Since the announcement of the debate, all Trump could manage to secure were  Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum - and that just reinforces how little credibility this political stunt would have garnered.  While the "debate" is in limbo, Trump steered clear of the point that Gingrich and Santorum are only showing up to kiss ass and try to pick up whatever few votes a Trump endorsement get, and resurected the threat of an eventually failed Trump campaign:

The Republican Party candidates are very concerned that sometime after the final episode of The Apprentice, on May 20th, when the equal time provisions are no longer applicable to me, I will announce my candidacy for President of the United States as an Independent and that, unless I conclusively agree not to run as an Independent, they will not agree to attend or be a part of the Newsmax debate scheduled for December 27, 2011. It is very important to me that the right Republican candidate be chosen to defeat the failed and very destructive Obama Administration, but if that Republican, in my opinion, is not the right candidate, I am not willing to give up my right to run as an Independent candidate. 

Therefore, so that there is no conflict of interest within the Republican Party, I have decided not to be the moderator of the Newsmax debate.

In typical Trump hyperbole, he closed saying, " I believe this would not only have been the most watched debate, but also the most substantive and interesting debate!"  Once again, it's all about The Donald.  The Republicans like the attention that Trump can bring them, but would never choose or back him over the infinite number of party-line drones they have in the pipeline.   Now I'm hoping that Trump does throw his hat into the ring, just so he can burn through million of his own money and lose just like Meg Whitman in her gubernatorial campaign last year.

Another Shiva Bowl For 2012

Christmas comes early!  The League has been renewed for a fourth season! It's arguably the funniest show on television (I'm arguing with anyone who disagrees), and with Archer, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and Louie, FX is far and away killing all other networks in the comedy realm.

Maybe "Prison" Loses Something In Translation

What a tough time it must be serving time in Kyrgyzstan.

Inmates at several prisons in the alphabet-challenged former Soviet country have launched a hunger strike over new restrictions that prevents them from being visited by prostitutes. As if the food itself wasn't reason enough to stop eating it.

Joldochbek Bouzourmankoulov, a spokesman for the country's prison sentencing agency, confirmed that prisoners at seven prison have refused to take their meals. He also agreed his name was ridiculous. The crackdown on getting down on cracks stemmed from the abuse of the visitation rights by family and others - the "others" being paid whores. From now on, only relatives with identity cards showing their ties to inmates can visit. No word yet about the potential grey area if any inmate's relatives are also prostitutes.

In addition to the protest over the lack of access to sex workers allowed, some of the other areas prisoners are look for reform are:

• spa treatments to be extended from 60 to 90 minutes

• caviar must be regional, not exported

• personal tailor hours extended to weekends

• town cars no longer acceptable, only stretch limos

• premium cable and flat panel HDTVs mandatory in all cells

• prison gates to be left open

Newtered

Republican presidential candidate and all-around sack of shit Newt Gingrich signed a pledge to uphold conservative values of the Iowa-based conservative Christian group The Family Leader in order to pander for votes and money for his campaign.  Yeah, like a pledge every kept a politician from thinking with his dick.

While the document is really just a checklist of right-wing beliefs - including states rights, preventing gay marriage, and promoting an anti-abortion agenda, his credibility can't support a simple like statement like "I also pledge to uphold the institution of marriage through personal fidelity to my spouse and respect for the marital bonds of others." If that sounds familiar coming out of one side of his fat mouth, it's because you've heard it a few times before, whole the other side of his mouth was sweet-talking his mistresses.

You see, he made a no-adultery pledge back in 2000 to current wife Callista, which should have made her feel comforted, since she was his plaything while he was married to Marianne Ginther.  And it did not serve as warning to Marianne back in 1981, when she received a no-adultery pledge after being the other woman to then-wife Jackie Battley.  And as you could have predicted, Battley got that same worthless no-adultery pledge when she and Gingrich married in 1962.

Of course, since Newty has gone on television and admitted his wrongdoing, all is forgiven, right? "In my case, I said up front openly, I've made mistakes at times...I've had to go to God for forgiveness. I've had to seek reconciliation." Well, if God - I mean , Newt Gingrich's God, has forgiven him, then surely there's plenty of red state voters who can too.  But at that level, he's already got the vote of those who are just looking at his pro-life, pro-state, and pro-family jawing and none of the actual actions of the person presenting them.

Gingrich has long been a typical scumbag politician of the highest degree, and once again he's jumping through the same hoops for show - and we shouldn't expect anything less from his kind.  But giving lip service to counter the mouth service he's done in the past isn't enough to make me think he's in going to stay in check - an more importantly, true to his words.

A Much Cooler Aquaman

Is NPR, Is Not NPR

You can see if his interpretations match here.

Murph Gets Shut Out

After some less-then-inspired play this weekend, and losing their fourth game in a row to drop the team to an unimpressive 13-12-4, the L.A. Kings ended the Terry Murray era.

Stuck at 499 career wins in slightly more than 1000 games coached, and 139 wins in 275 games to rate 3rd on team's records, Terry Murray could not get the under-performing squad which has $63 million committed to payroll yet ranks dead last with a 2.21 goals per game average to get the vital wins that would save his position.  Assistant John Stevens will be the interim coach until a replacement is found.

It's been eminent since early in the season as the Kings had already weathered a five game skid, and he is fifth coach to get the ax (Carolina, Columbus, Washington and Anaheim are the other casualties) so far this year. Murray's unchanging demeanor has been likened to a visual representation of his defense-oriented coaching style, and though it certainly made the team a top penalty killer in the league and created more complete, two-way players, it still takes goals to win games - and at least more than the opponents score.  There have been only five games this season that the Kings have scored more than thee goals, and multiple players are thus far having their lowest career point production.

GM Dean Lombardi has a history of defensive leanings for his team development, and it makes his next hire as coach all the more interesting.  Stevens, who not only goes back to Philadelphia with Murray, has a similar, stoic attitude and defensive coaching style, so his interim status is probably just that.  Many names have been suggested as a potential replacement, like former Edmonton coach Craig MacTavish, Mark Morris of the (L.A. Kings minor league affiliate) Manchester Monarchs and Pittsburgh Penguins assistant (and former Kings player) Tony Granato, but the one with the most buzz is Darryl Sutter.  He and Lombardi worked together in San Jose, but while louder and more brash, Sutter employs a similar system to Murray - and fans are already clamoring against those rumors the team is not really making a coaching replacement.

It's too bad that former Manchester Monarchs and recent Washington Capitals coach Bruce Boudreau ended up in Anaheim just days prior.  Of the options available, I'd rather see MacTavish before Sutter, but as John at Mayor's Manor says, "In Dean we trust", and for now we have to hope this change makes the team perform as it should.

More Than In Love...In Lust

Leave That Thing Alone

Looks like it's going to be at least another nine months before they need to change the name from "19 Kids and Counting"...

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar got some sad news yesterday when they went to a routine checkup to find out the sex of their 20th child (yes, I would say it's routine after the first three or four), and the answer they got was dead - I know, an odd answer for a child's gender.

Their doctor was unable to find the baby's heartbeat or restraint by the parents for breeding (which is what it becomes when you've had more than a litter of children), and it was determined Michelle had miscarried in her second trimester. Jim Bob released a statement confirming the news to Access Hollywood, and also marking the rare occasion that the name Jim Bob and Hollywood were in the same sentence. In a not-at-all-creepy way, they will still name the baby after they find out of it was a boy or a girl, and plan to hold a funeral service. No word yet if it will be part of their upcoming television season.

The Duggars most recently had daughter Josie in December 2009, and the rest of their offspring are Joshua, 23 (who has two children, Mackynzie, 2, and Michael, 4 months, with wife Anna, 23), twins Jana and John-David, 21; Jill, 20; Jessa, 19; Jinger, 17; Joseph, 16; Josiah, 15; Joy-Anna, 14; twins Jedidiah and Jeremiah, 12; Jason, 11; James, 10; Justin, 8; Jackson, 7; Johanna, 6; Jennifer, 4; and Jordyn, 3. Shockingly, not a Jim Bob junior in the bunch!

If you're keeping score, Michelle's record is 19-2, which would win the AFC East. Yes, she miscarried before, during her second pregnancy, when she was reportedly taking oral birth control. I should add that anal is a very effective birth control, but it is not exactly church-supported. After the first miscarriage, it's said the couple decided to let the number of children they have be "up to God." Well, I think he's trying to let you know you may be finished crapping out kids...or should be.

Now, before I get angry replies about making light of dead babies, ask yourself if it's reasonable to have that many children as some kind of religious quest. If you didn't already know, it's not. We're not in the age of cholera or they need farmhands, and unless it's the second coming of the Khan Empire, there's no need to lay enough seed for an army.

Turn To The Dark Side Of The Bass Clef

Llama-rama

Trump Stump

Given his previous flirtation with the Oval Office, it comes as no surprise that The Donald would try to inject himself into the current race even as it's getting close to nomination time. And that's why he's the moderator for a debate hosted at the end of the month. I mean, ringleader for the debacle.

The "debate" is being hosted by Newsmax, who I've never heard of until now, but in their own words is, "the #1 conservative news agency online". I put that kind of credibility on par with model searches sponsored by Maybelline. Using Trump as the compass for leading the questioning doesn't add anything legitimate either. Of course, I'm not the only one who thinks that a pageant-mogul lacks class.

"The selection of a reality television personality to host a presidential debate that voters nationwide will be watching is beneath the office of the Presidency and flies in the face of that office’s history and dignity."

That was Ron Paul, who will not be "attending" the fracas. Trump responded publicly stating, "Ron Paul has zero chance of getting the nomination," as if the self-promoting huckster is also somehow a tastemaking pundit. Jon Huntsman is also not participating, and while they both may not be front-runners, they've certainly out-distanced the rest with integrity.

Trump said he would endorse a candidate for president sometime after the December 27th debate, and would not run for president unless "the wrong person gets in"...though he does not expect the wrong person will be chosen. Newt Gingrich told reporters, "Of course I want his endorsement," of the follicle-challenged moderator, who was conveniently beside him.

I think that Trump should get on the ticket if Newty gets the bid, because the only thing better than trainwreck is a spectacular trainwreck.

Old Will-waukee

You're the Pabst Brewing Company (in Wisconsin), and Will Ferrell approaches you about making a series of commercials for Old Milwaukee beer for free - but, he wants to shoot them in Davenport, Iowa, and that's the only place they can be aired.

Yeah, they went for it.

He'll Fit Right In In Prison

The San Bernadino-Riverside-Inland Empire area in the southeastern part of California is like the riviera for scumbags, inbreds, meth heads, and white trash (if you don't believe me, just listen to Henry Rollins about mixing it up with the locals here and here). So it comes as no surprise to read about a couple that was savagely beaten at their home for no apparent reason...by a naked, 300-pound bodybuilder.

Police say the couple came home late Saturday to find Ruben Arzu (22) naked on the front porch of their home in Colton. Arzu caused major head trauma to the husband when confronted, and while trying to call 911, the wife sustained facial injuries and multiple cuts to her head as Arzu picked her up and threw her around.

It took four police officers, two stun gun blasts and four sets of handcuffs to restrain Arzu, who was "apparently" under the influence of steroids and other drugs.

Arzu was booked on suspicion of attempted homicide and over-application of self-bronzer.

Coming To The Cleveland Hall Of Rock Whatever

As we say time and again, awards and ceremonies are often popularity contests and don't reflect true achievement and merit, so the 2012 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees are no surprise.

Headlining the group is Guns N' Roses, followed by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The reset of the class is comprised of singer/songwriter Laura Nyro, Donovan, the Beastie Boys, and The Small Faces/The Faces (which included Rod Stewart and Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood). Donna Summer, Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, Heart, Rufus with Chaka Khan, Eric B. & Rakim, War, the Cure and the Spinners were on the ballot too but did not make the cut.

Admission is determined by more than 500 votes by a secret and select group of of music critics, historians and recording artists. Acts are eligible 25 years after the release of their first recording.

Given the selection, I can see why Joan Jett would get passed over, but even if Guns N' Roses and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are deserving, how can you put them in before Rush or KISS? Both have been eligible for more than a decade, and while not as hot a commodity, it does the "Hall of Fame" no service in credibility. Eric Clapton's three separate entries are excessive compared to who's been omitted...

There's still no Jethro Tull, Hall & Oates, The Doobie Brothers, Chicago, The Cars, The Moody Blues, King Crimson or Yes...and there are many, many more.  And given the 36 members coming and going between the two bands, who the hell do you have play at that "all-star" jam?

From The Director Of The Professional And The Fifth Element

Ad Min(imal)

Realigned

Last night the NHL Board of Governors approved a new four-conference format beginning in the 2012-13 season...because with two conferences of seven teams and two conferences of eight teams is better than two conferences with 15?

Much of the impetus to change the league structure was based the move from Atlanta to Winnipeg by the Thrashers Jets, and compounded by the long suffering complaints from Midwestern / Southern teams about travel and losing out on television airings. What could have been a simple swap between Winnipeg and either Detroit or Columbus to keep some geographical semblance of order, has become far more complicated.

Gone are the Eastern and Western Conferences with their evenly divided five team groups, each playing their four division rivals 24 times in the season, and the rest of their conference in forty games, filling in the remainder with the opposing conference. Now, every team will play a home-and-home set, and if you are in one of the eight team conferences, you'll play your rivals an uneven amount of times.

Also, the playoff format is not decided, though it is expected the top four teams per conference facing each other in the first two rounds of play, and then the conference champs meeting to determine the Stanley Cup final. While that may eliminate the issue of the top division leader getting a playoff spot even if other teams in the conference have more points but are not atop their group, it gives a clear advantage the seven-team conferences have over the eights to get a playoff berth.

I'm not a fan of this because the Kings are in an eight team conference. Plus if that format would have been in place last year, Dallas would have made the post-season with 95 points, and the LA Kings would have missed it with 98. are not in a seven-team conference. Sites have a deeper look at the pros and cons, and have even taken a look at how things would shake out if the playoffs started today under the new system, and it's not pretty.

Nunchucks II

Yeah, there was also a Nunchucks I.

Worth 1000

Tyree Callahan modified his 1937 Underwood Standard typewriter by removing the letter keys and replacing them with paint-soaked pads in order write a painting.

Cain Unable

I've been trying to avoid the 2012 election until it becomes a two horse race because the Republican field is a goddamn convoluted mess. Newt Gingrich's campaign nearly exploded on the launch pad but now he's a front runner. Rick Perry showed up to become the darling of the moment, and lost his mojo. Mitt Romney - who I think will get the nom, has been up and down as each new challenger appears. Michelle Bachman, Ron Paul, and whomever else on the fringe, well, they keep things odd. And then there is, or was, Herman Cain.

The pizza baron and political neophyte who barnstormed the (useless) polls, has been plagued by allegations of sexual harassment and marriage infidelity, and announced over the weekend that he is officially suspending his campaign for presidency. Suspend is a political term for quitting. "As of today, with a lot of prayer and soul searching, I am suspending my presidential campaign," Cain said. "I am disappointed that it came to this point that we had to make this decision." Because he's accumulating so many accusers, eventually he'll be overwhelmed solely on their lost votes.

But he added, like all other failed politicos, that he has a new website and will be angling to stay relevant as a commentator and consultant. "I am not going away. I will continue to be a voice for the people." Well, not the ones he groped and harassed.

Thanks to Tea Party support and the lack of big name governors like Mitch Daniels and Chris Christie, Cain's stock rose, but not faster than his libido. Much as he was torpedoed by his past, his campaign was more hype than substance. Aside from huge gaffes like thinking China did not have nuclear capability, he did not have truly original ideas. Take his 9-9-9 Plan, which is not a countrywide phone discount, but a tax structure - and it is strangely similar to the set up in the Sim City game.It seems almost fitting that his exit speech concluded with something else unoriginal: "Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line." That was cribbed from Pokemon 2000. 

Herman Cain and his campaign, much like his Godfather's Pizza, did not reinvent anything - it just served up something that folks were excited and hungry for, and ultimately left them unsatisfied before they reached the end.

SHRIM!