Top Stories This Thursday

Lightning Strike Kills Boy At Baseball Game - Three strikes, he's out.

Human Laughter Echoes Chimp Chuckles - Further proving the evolutionary connection between the two species. But what about the poo-flinging? Can't we link that too?

Denise Richards: I Had Three Boob Jobs - No, that's not the name of her new show. All that money wasted, when she could have taken acting lessons. See what Charlie Sheen will do to a woman!

Pelosi Outlines Dem Agenda - Included was dem plans, dem ideas, dem thoughts, and dem bones.

Patients Pay Tribute To A Murdered Doctor - Which patients? Because with an abortion doctor, it the pregnant woman or the fetus?

Topless Coffee Shop Burns Down; Official Says It Was Arson - Now where am I going to get a Iced Vanilla Titty Latte?

Mom Stabs Bus Driver In Stroller Dispute - What the headline doesn't tell you is that the woman poured milk on the driver before the chest stabbing. That's not super important, but weird, and for that reason should be in there.

Report: Patrick Swayze's Show Gets Canceled - Oh my God! His show also has cancer? That's terrible! The poor guy...wha? Oh, canceled...nevermind.

Braves Release 305-Game Winner Tom Glavine - It's just shocking that a 43-year-old coming back from shoulder and elbow surgery would get the ax. Nobody can say they saw it coming.

Australia's Troops Aghast At Dutch Food - Apparently, they head about a Dutch oven, and were too disgusted to want to eat anything.

No Scars: New Obesity Surgery Goes Through Mouth - Is the irony killing you too?

Jolie Overtakes Winfrey On Forbes' Celebrity 100 - Forbes most useless list is out. But don't worry O-Nation, the woman filled with pure nougat overtook Angelina at the buffet, along with all other diners.

New England Economy Could See Gay-Marriage Boost - B+B business, commemorative maple syrup containers expected to be top money earners.

Ducklings Down Drain Rescued - C'mon, it's not all bad news today.

Questions Remain On Opel As Magna Pushes To Finalize Deal - Sadly, this is not the same, beloved MAGNA that we care about. But if there's one thing I know about MAGNAs in general - they tend to be awesome!

Yankees Reinsert Wang In Starting Rotation - Seriously, these things just write themselves sometimes.

Kenya Welcomes Obama's Speech To Muslim World - Why is it that everything that happens must be commented on by Kanye West? Like he's the authority on life and the world? Especially when....wait, it's a what? Oh...nevermind.

Dad: Son, 9, In Brazil Now 'Emotionally Damaged' - Yes, far more than having grown up in New Jersey.

Activision Sues To Stop Jack Black Game - If they can't stop him from making movies, at least they're going to work on blocking him on the small screen.

Rape Suspect Released From Hospital - Yes, the man accused of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old is leaving the hospital after he was attacked by an angry mob. Just a heads-up to all the vigilantes who put him there...