Thursday Is For Headlines (Again)

Young Iraqi Gays Find Safe Haven In Turkey - Which I believe is that hot, new night club. Tuesdays are two-for-one drinks and the DJ on the weekend is really cute!

Got $100? Welcome To Your New Detroit Home - On second thought, I'll keep the $100. Detroit, you're always be a shithole to me.

Tom Cruise & J.J. Abrams Accept 'Mission Impossible IV' - See what they did? They made it a pun! Oh, how delightful. The real mission will be how to revive Cruise's sagging career and make us interested in a moldering franchise.

L.A. Lost: AFL's Avengers Fold After Nine Seasons - Los Angeles is again without a football team...if you count half-court indoor play football. Of all the teams to lose, couldn't it have been the Sparks?

Argentine Glacier Advances Despite Global Warming - All glaciers who give a shit about global warming please raise your hand. Didn't think so. The new Ice Age waits for no one and nothing!

Fla. City To Workers: Wear Underwear, Deodorant - Are you fucking serious? Those goddamn inbred morons are bottom feeders to the nth degree. If North Korea really is testing a rocket in our direction, skip Hawaii and aim for Florida.

Jon & Kate Set To Make 'Life-Changing' Announcement - They're going to execute that cold hearted bitch? Jon finally grows balls? Gosslin kids versus Octomom spawn in 2025? Actually, who gives a fuck about anything they say or do...

Hillary Clinton Fractures Elbow In Fall - Looks like she'll be out of the steel cage battle royale for SummerSlam. Pity too...besides her "Atomic Elbow" she delivered a mean "Secratary Suplex".

Rapist's Sentence Outrage - One year does sound a little light for raping a four year old girl. But she was totally asking for it, wearing that school girl outfit.

Danica To Decide Future After IndyCar Season - Hmmm, drive in a circle or continue to make exceptionally more money in endorsements? Tough call for a gal with 1 win in 70 races, and only 4 other podium finishes.

Dungeons & Dragons Handbooks Subject Of Lawsuits - Mythril elfin chainmail offers no bonuses against + 3 vorpal swords? Red dragon hatchlings are only worth 150 XP? I call bullshit. Where's my local constable's guild?

Fly-Killer Obama Chastized By PETA - Can we finally write off PETA as a retarded joke? It's a fucking insect, although to be fair, PETA members are equally annoying and pesky, so perhaps their aiding their own.

Miley Cyrus Surprises Ga. Fans With Impromptu Show - If you call borrowing a guitar and doing two songs on the patio of a beachside seafood restaurant a "show", then okay. I call that a distraction from enjoying my meal.

Ricky Martin's 'Heart Could Belong To A Woman Or A Man?' - So coy, and so 1999. Are we really still questioning his homosexuality? He's so queer he makes Bruno look like Bear Grylls. Go back to obscurity and South Beach.

Former NFL QB Leaf Arrested At US-Canada Border - Finally putting to rest exactly how far into obscurity he had gone. Apparently he still could get arrested...

Suicide Bomber Kills Somali Security Minister - It was either this or "Morbidly Obese Man Starves At Buffet" for the ironic story of the week. And this story killed it.

Oregon Woman Obsessed With Rabbits Arrested Again - Yes, George, she likes to pet the bunny rabbits. I guess being a Twilight fan or following American Idol just didn't fit her personality...

McCain: 'This Is A Joke' - Can you be more specific? Your candidacy? The Republican party? The existence of Sarah Palin?

Review: Playful Hunch.com Helps You Make Decisions - Get that abortion? Divorce my spouse? Thanks generic website - you're much better than a conscience!