We, The Survivors (A Warning)

Today is a milestone...and not the good kind. Because 30 years ago today, something so evil...something so unspeakably wrong was birthed into this world that the stars dimmed, the world grew colder, and the children have laughed less ever since. I speak, of course, of the Star Wars Holiday Special, the most terrible piece of entertainment ever created.

If you have any thoughts of seeing it, don't. I know you think you know it's bad. I know you're prepared to laugh at the terrible special effects, at the silly story, to watch it ironically. I was like you...once. Of course, nothing could have prepared me for the horror of the Star Wars Holiday Special. It was literally so bad I blacked out; my body shut itself during the above clip, desperately trying to protect itself from the pain. I briefly woke up, only to hear Art Carney say "Ya got anymore of those...Wookiee Cookies?" And then I blacked out again.

While the video is a nice example of the sheer awfulness of the SWHS—and incidentally, that's Chewbacca's son Lumpy watching it, who looks like an aroused midget were-ferret—it's only a few minutes of the two-hour special. This includes, among other terrors:

• No dialogue other than Wookiee growls for 2/3rds of the special

• Bea Arthur singing and dancing with Ponda Baba in the cantina

• Mark Hamill fresh from his car wreck, in a wig and made up like a French whore

• Carrie Fisher, so drugged out of her gourd, she literally sways back and forth

• Chewbacca's grandfather Itchy receiving pornography from Art Carney

• Chewbacca's grandfather Itchy watching said pornography in it's entirety, and enjoying it immensely

So don't watch it. On historic dates, some say never forget. But in times like these, we say never remember.