Confederacy Of Dunces

Florida, how do you manage to keep topping yourself?

There's a 139-foot flagpole is ready to fly the stars and bars over one of the busiest highway interchanges in the state. Them stars and bars being the Confederate flag. The Sons of Confederate Veterans in Tampa plan soon to raise what they claim is the world's largest Confederate flag on a private triangle of land tucked near where Interstates 75 and 4 meet. The flag measures 50 feet by 30 feet.

John Adams (awesome coincidence), commander (you're shitting me) of the organization's Florida division, spearheaded the flag project, which includes plans for an accompanying memorial park. And he wants to make sure that the only objections the group faces are based on opinion, not the law.

"You're going to hear some complaints about it for sure," Adams said. "But it's a free country as far as I know." But not entirely an intelligent one.

To some, particularly across many Southern states, the rebel flag represents a rich heritage that includes fighting and dying for the Confederate cause during the Civil War. To others, the flag represents dark memories attached to slavery and racial inequality. The local NAACP in Hillsborough County, hopes that a groundswell of opposition to raising the flag might convince the Sons of Confederate Veterans to reconsider. But that's an unlikely scenario. Nearly a decade ago, the 220 members in the group launched a project called "Flags Across Florida" in response to a decision by state officials to remove the Confederate flag from a place of prominence near the state capitol in Tallahassee.

"Our members decided the trend is going to be that there's a major outlash (is that even a word?) against these being flown on public property, all we need to do is buy our own property and put them up there," Adams said.

The flag will be the group's third in the state, but will be not only the largest, but will also fly square in the middle of one of the most highly-trafficked intersections in the state. An estimated 124,000 cars pass by the highway ever day. The two Interstates link the Tampa Bay area to Orlando to the northeast and Miami to the south. The pole, which will be anchored by a 100,000-pound concrete base, is the tallest the Federal Aviation Administration would allow in that spot. The 1,500-square-foot flag was ordered from a Chinese company after an American flagmaker begged off, citing union objections to making the flag. It will be illuminated by spotlights at night. No word if bucktoothed hillbillies will stand at it's base and guard it.

Adams said the project, which will cost an estimated $80,000, has been going through approvals with the Hillsborough County government for more than two years. Wow, that's a lot of crystal meth them boys had to sling. The park that accompanies the flag will feature landscaping and parking as well as plaques detailing the state's historical contributions to the Confederacy. One will even pay tribute to the small group of black soldiers who fought on the Confederacy's behalf, Adams said, just to make sure they didn't look totally racist.

Throughout the permitting process, Adams admits he never revealed to officials that it was the Confederate flag he intended to fly atop the pole. He had no reason to, he said. "The flag is political speech so it's not like they can do anything about it," he said. "You cannot simply discriminate because the message is one you don't like." To Adams and members of his organization, the soldiers who fought and died for the Confederacy deserve the same historical deference as those who died fighting for the Union cause. They are veterans who fought for what they believed was right for the country, he said.

Motorists in nine states can pay for a license plate bearing the logo of the Sons of Confederate Veterans — a design that incorporates the Stars and Bars. A similar proposal in Florida, however, so far has been unsuccessful. Still, the Sunshine State is one of just two states to celebrate the birthday of Confederate president Jefferson Davis, a state holiday that is held today June 3. Adams said the group will honor the holiday by previewing the flag, but don't expect any "ol' fashioned nigger lynchings".

Kevin White, the ironically named sole black member of the Hillsborough County Commission, who oversees the area where the flag will fly said that he is "saddened and frustrated" by group's effort, but unsure if there is anything that can be done. "It appears that if all of the permitting is legal, there isn't anything we're able to do except show a loud, vocal opposition and maybe bring some sense to people. The symbolism of what it stands for totally brings a negative connotation to the community as a whole."

White fears that drivers who might have planned a stop in Hillsborough County will drive right through when they see the massive flag. "They might have stopped for lodging or to get something to eat," White said. "Now they'll say, 'Maybe I'll just keep driving and get out of this county altogether.'" Goddamned right! Confederate flags, burning crosses, and swastikas aren't the welcome mat some people think they are.

And DXM had all the right things to say:

Gotta love Florida.

Am I the only one who thinks that maybe if the deep South had simply been allowed to successfully secede from the Union, we might be in much better shape these days? What the hell would we have lost: Alabama? Mississippi? Miami? NASCAR? Jesus? Insane apocalyptic ramblings? State and federal laws based on 2,000 year old superstition? Incest? Billy Ray Cyrus?

Does that really sound so bad?

If "Dixie" had gone its own way, within a hundred years the place probably would've looked a lot like the country depicted in Idiocracy.

By the way, do yourself a favor and read the indignant comments from the story above, and be impressed by the rise of internet access in America's trailer parks.

Here's the only two good uses of that flag: on muscles cars and bitches.