The perverts at the incredibly NSFW Fleshbot have taken a look at two of the summer's biggest blockbusters — Indiana Jones and the Kindgom of the Crystal Skull and Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant, and felt it was only fair to see how Dr. Jones measures up against his porn doppleganger. Are these sequels sympathetic to the original spirit of the Indy legend? And more importantly, are they faithful to each other? Here's a point-by-point evaluation to see which Jones did the best job keeping the blood pumping.
Oh, and spoiler alert!: major plot points of both films are revealed below, so if you still haven't seen either one consider yourself warned. God forbid you find out which one of our heroes gets to have a threeway or anything...
Costumes
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.
Advantage: Carolina
Tools
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.
Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)
Sidekick
In Temple of Doom, Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In Broken Covenant, Carolina adopts Dixie, played by Bree Olson, a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.
Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)
Villains
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.
Advantage: Indy
Evil Henchmen
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.
Advantage: Draw
Femme Fatales
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to The Last Crusade's Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.
Advantage: Carolina
Accents
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.
Advantage: Carolina
Gruesome Fates
Besides a spiked dildo to the head, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both Crystal Skull and Broken Covenant feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.
Advantage: Carolina
Treasure
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day.
Advantage: Indy
Sex
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love - that's why his penis gets eaten by ants. The tables are turned however, when Crystal Skull finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.
Advantage: Like you have to ask?
And the winner is? Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. The choice is clear...
No comments:
Post a Comment