Super Cable

More incredible reviews from Amazon, this time for the butch (and sickly overpriced at $500) Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable.

By G. P. (Phoenix, AZ)
If I could use a rusty boxcutter to carve a new orifice in my body that's compatible with this link cable, I would already be doing it. I can just imagine the pure musical goodness that would flow through this cable into the wound and fill me completely -- like white, holy light. Holding this cable in my hands actually makes me feel that much closer to the Lord Jesus Christ. I only make $6.25/hr at Jack In The Box, but I saved up for three months so I could have this cable. It sits in a shrine I constructed next to my futon in Mother's basement.

I only gave it four stars in my review because I can't find music that is worthy enough to flow through this utterly perfect interconnect.

By owlberg (Seattle, WA USA)
Previously, the Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable could only be obtained either by prescription or via the black market. But now, suddenly everything remains exactly the same. That fact, by itself, should add some much-needed gravitas to the scholarly debate on this controversial and highly irrelevant topic.

Nevertheless and notwithstanding, as with any first automobile purchase, all potential buyers should first consult a spiritual advisor BEFORE taking the Denon AKDL1 intravenously for recreational purposes. I cannot stress this highly. At ALL.

While well-tolerated in most domesticated animals, the Denon AKDL1 is not for everybody. Side effects may include headache, nausea, trouble swallowing, disorientation, incontinence, explosive diarrhoea, spontaneous combustion, menopause, chronic erogenous dissonance (CED), lethargy, gluttony, avarice, death, spontaneous mutation, gas, spontaneous gas, spontaneous lethargic gas (SLG), gout, the vapors, explosive spontaneous stupidity (ESS), death, Larry Fine Syndrome (LFS), blurred vision, post-nasal death (PND), spontaneous explosive hubris (SEH), goiter, weeping buboes, and dry mouth.

I feel confident in stating that most users will find the Denon AKDL1...

By Cap'n Stoob "Stoob" (USA)
I bought this cable because Morgort the Mighty says he uses a $350 audio cable to strangle HIS enemies and he isn't better than I am just because he wears a belt of Fire Giant strength! I ordered this cable and it arrived on the back of a pegasus (FedExian the Winged Messenger) within 3 moons. Excellent! As an 8th level Psionic Warrior, I was eager to hop into the Astral Plane and see what kind of damage this baby could inflict against astral filchers!

Well...it was OK, but this thing really needs a + THREE enchantment instead of only +2. See, it was forged on the material plane, so it becomes only +1 in the Astral Plane and that's just not enough to overcome the damage reduction of the Githyanki I'm running into all the time. It's a nice garrote, but tell me if you can find a neck on an astral ghost and I'll give you 50 gold pieces for the info! It works just fine on the Material Plane, but who cares about that? If I want to whip someone with a cable on my OWN plane, I'll just use a mighty whip +4!

The bard Amazon sings constantly of this cable, supposedly forged on Mt. Gulfwarden by the dwarves of Denon...but I think it's just a Calimshan knockoff made from melted-down Lubaskan coppper pennies and old Athabascan smallclothing...In any case, it's at least stylish and good for astral encounters up to CR 6. But for the discriminating warrior, you're better off with a flaming greatsword or a ghost touch halberd.

The worst part is when I went over to Morgort's yurt the other day and he showed me all his Astral trophies he keeps in a pocket dimension...color me GREEN with envy! All he kept saying was, "Oh, how's that cable of YOURS doing? "

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH

By R. Blais (Fernley, NV USA)
I accidentally dropped one end of my Denon cable into a glass of Tuscan whole milk I was drinking. Later when I finished my milk (yeah, I still drank it; should I not have done that?), my right arm (lost in an accident in 1987) spontaneously grew back.

Is that normal?

(awesome meme callback!)

By Patrick Carroll (Atlanta, GA USA)
I installed one of these cables between my gigabit ethernet switch and my Canon Pixma 6700 color printer. I know it's not a sanctioned use, but I was looking for the ultimate in speed and color fidelity. I'm freaky that way.

The first time I downloaded a picture to the printer over this cable, the bits moved so fast the printer collapsed into a naked singularity, right there in my office.

Since then, I can't find the cat, and my entire set of VAX/VMS 4.7 documentation (DEC Will Rise Again!) (Mmmmm, orangey!) has gone missing.

Please, for the love of God, please, do not use these cables! The very existence of Earth may depend on your decision!