Doping Cycle

Forget injections - meat is the new way to get your illegal performance enhancers!

Three time Tour De France winner Alberto Contador blamed "contaminated meat" for his positive doping test. That may work if you're talking about how you got HIV, but banned substances? The bad piece of filet mignon, he says, was to blame for a "very small concentration" of the banned substance clenbuterol that was found his urine sample on July 21 during the most recent Tour.

"The idea of anyone questioning my Tour victory does not worry me," the Spanish cyclist said. "I am not going to let something like this destroy everything I have done." You mean cheating?  No, don't let that stand in your way. Contador was provisionally suspended by the International Cycling Union (the sport's governing body, not a small eastern European nation) after a World Anti-Doping Agency lab determined both A and B samples were positive. The anti-doping lab director said of the results, "Clenbuterol is a substance that has been used for over 20 to 30 years...It is not anything new. Nobody has ever suggested it is something you can take inadvertently."

Contador said the beef was brought across the border from Spain to France by a Spanish cycling organizer, Jose Luis Lopez Cerron, during a Tour rest day and at the request of the team's chef. Ah, the finger of blame rests with this meat rustler.  Cerron said he was a friend of the chef, who had complained of poor quality meat at the hotel where the team was staying. The tainted filet mignon was bought for the team in the Spanish border town of Irun. Contador and four other Astana teammates ate the beef on July 20, though he was the only one who underwent a doping test on July 21. Naturally, he ate more of the meat that day, explaining that although it wasn't normal to eat steak a day before racing, "it was too good to waste". Especially if it has clenbuterol!

Clenbuterol has anabolic properties that build muscle while burning fat. It is commonly given to horses to treat breathing problems, and medicinally it is used to treat asthma. Like stimulants such as amphetamine or ephedrine, it can increase the heart rate and body temperature. Clenbuterol is sometimes given to cows, pigs and other animals to increase their growth rate, but how much would they have give a cow for it to make it through to show up in a person who ate it?  Really, think about it.  You could take any average person eating the same farm's meat and should get a similar result...if that nonsense was true.

Cycling has long been plagued with doping scandals. Within hours of Contador's case becoming public, the UCI announced that two Spanish riders failed drug tests during the Spanish Vuelta in September, testing positive for hydroxyethyl starch, which increases blood volume. There has been no indication yet if Contador will be banned or stripped of his latest Tour title. If they did, Contador would be just the second cyclist to be forced to relinquish it - Floyd Landis, was stripped of his 2006 Tour title after a positive test. For years, Landis denied doping but admitted this spring that he used performance-enhancing drugs - and you can expect the same out of Contador.

Backscatter Your Hood

Everybody knows about black helicopters, but what about black vans?

News that that the US is buying custom-made vans packed mobile x-ray units for use at major sporting events, or possibly at random to look for bombs or contraband, has got folks worried for both their health and privacy. The debate will surely test the boundary between the government's legitimate security interest and privacy expectations Americans enjoy in their cars.

American Science & Engineering has sold more than 500 ZBVs Backscatter Vans to US and foreign governments, and while the Department of Defense has bought a majority for war zone use, US law enforcement have also deployed the vans to search for bombs inside the US (like wherever Katherine Heigl films are playing). The mobile X-ray technology works by bouncing narrow X-ray streams off an object (like a car) and then analyzes the scatter rate of the returning rays. Less dense objects seen by operators could be bodies...or bombs.

The backscatter X-ray is already part of an ongoing debate about its use in so-called full body scanners being deployed in many US airports and courthouses. Officials have said they "will not store or share the images and will use masking technology to avoid revealing details of the human body", but we've already heard that lie before.

Still, there are many active suits to stop their deployment. Proponents call it a powerful counter-terror strategy. But opponents point to the broad search-and-seizure power law enforcement has on public highways, where a search warrant is often not needed for officers to instigate a physical search.

...And Yet, Jeff Dunham Lives

It was shocking to hear that Greg Giraldo had accidentally overdosed at a party, but that he slipped into a coma and died yesterday, well, that really bummed me out.  Between that and Robert Schimmel, it's been a suckass month for funny guys going away far too soon.  Gilbert Godfried made a perfect crack that Giraldo would have appreciated, but here's a virtual roast of the comedian.  And when that's done, here's a ton of great material and laughs.

I Won't Say How Old, But She's Catching Up

Happy birthday to Famous Sister, who may be getting older, but can still enjoy the 14 month gap.  And in honor of old...this picture.  A goatee? Pinstripes like the Pumpkin Gangster?  She ages like wine and I'm vinegar.  Love ya, sis!

Sunrise, Sunset

How do you get to Sunrise, Florida? Not on Google maps.

For almost a month, the city didn't exist on the interweb search engine. Whenever anyone searched for Sunrise, they were re-directed to Sarasota, which is 200 miles away. H4x0r by the Sarasota Chamber of Commerce?

Believe it or not (but do), this is the 3rd time that Sunrise and it's 90,000 inhabitants has disappeared from Google Maps. The local businesses in have felt the aftereffects of not being searchable on Google saying that business was down during the month because quite simply, no one could find them. Hmmm, maybe it's a plot by the folks at the Yellow Pages?

The worst part is, there's been no official word from google as to why the town keeps disappearing and reappearing. Does Google just hate that state? Is it possible it's the teleporting mountain from Krull? Now Florida is finally cool!

She's Got That X-Factor (Not Really)

Does England have a Jersey Shore? Or is it just being on the Atlantic creates trash?

Chloe Heald, aka "Chloe Mafia" or "Chloe Victoria" as she called herself on television, goes by "Candy" when she advertises herself on a British escort site. Candy is a "100% English Yorkshire dirty slut", and her most recent sex ad was posted a few days before she appeared on The X Factor.

Allegedly, her asking price was $250/hour or $1600/night, but after her appearance, she's up to $400/hour or $2400/night. Chloe maintains the stories are false and that she is merely a private dancer. Hmmm, I think the 19-year-old is really a prostitute, and that it's said she's been arrested 140 times and has a two-year-old daughter doesn't change my mind. Sometime the proof is in the Yorkshire pudding...or videos of her doing coke and being deconstructed from her nasty whorebag state.

Vegas Death Ray

Maybe it's not a great advertising point when your guests get burned by your hotels.

The Vdara (what the fuck does that mean anyway) Hotel at CityCenter is a south-facing tower and reflector of sun rays that can burn people and melt plastic drink cups. Hotel pool employees call the phenomenon the "Vdara death ray", though management have softened the phenomenon, calling it a "hot spot" or "solar convergence". Designers foresaw the issue, and thought they had solved it by installing a high-tech film on south-facing glass panes. The film scatters more than 70% of reflected rays, but the rest is still enough to blast your ass.

Bill Pintas experienced the death ray firsthand recently. The lawyer was sunning on a recliner when he became so uncomfortably hot that he had to run for shade. His sandals were too hot to touch, and he smelled an odor coming from his head, which was where a bit of hair had been scorched. He took a photo of the plastic bag that once held his newspaper that had partially melted, which he sent to the local paper. By the way, plastic shopping bags have a melting point between 120 and 130 degrees, and disposable cups melts at around 160 degrees.

Vdara's curved southern wall basically acts as a parabola to collect and intensify the afternoon rays, and is not the only structure in town to dish out solar punishment. Both the AdventureDome at Circus Circus and the Mandalay Bay have reflection issues, though these older buildings can absorb the critical press better than new buildings. Similarly, the Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles had to tone down its reflectivity by sanding some of its curving exterior metal surfaces after raising temperatures in nearby buildings and impairing the vision of passers-by.

Dying Days

Everyone just died. Okay, that's hyperbole, but look at who just kicked it in the last day or so:

• Sally Menke (56), Quentin Tarantino's longtime film editor. She went hiking with her dog amidst the 113 degree heat yesterday. Menke and a hiking buddy set out about 9 a.m. to hike a trail in Bronson Canyon (near the Hollywood sign). An hour later, her partner decided to turn back. They found her body early this morning at the bottom of a ravine. No cause of death was immediately reported, and they're not saying if heat was a factor...but let's do the easy math.

• Gloria Stuart (100), who banged Leo DiCaprio and survived the sinking of the Titanic...on film. She starred in The Invisible Man, Busby Berkeley's Gold Diggers Of 1935 and the Shirley Temple movies Poor Little Rich Girl and Rebecca OfSunnybrook Farm. Her turn as contemporary Kate Winslet in James Cameron's disaster film earned her a best supporting actress nomination. The cause was listed as respiratory failure.

• Joseph Cerniglia (39), the owner of Campania restaurant in New Jersey. Cerniglia was on Gordon Ramsay’s “Kitchen Nightmares” — and was told by the venomous TV chef that his debt-ridden eatery was “about to swim down the Hudson”.  It seemed like sound advise, because he was found floating in the river after jumping off the George Washington Bridge. He is the second chef to commit suicide after appearing on the reality-cooking series.  See, reality television kills not just my brain cells, but it's contestants.

• Ralph Vicinanza (60), the literary agent to such authors as Stephen King, Augusten Burroughs and the Dalai Lama. He also worked with Norman Mailer, Carl Sagan and Philip K. Dick, and upon founding his own agency in 1978, signed up some of the world's top science fiction and fantasy writers, including Terry "sword douche" Pratchett, Robert Heinlein, Frank Herbert and George R.R. Martin. King credits Vicinanza with the idea for serializing The Green Mile. Vicinanza died of a brain aneurysm.

• Nicholas A. Marsh (37), a Justice Department prosecutor in the prosecution of Senator Ted Stevens. Stevens' corruption charges were eventually thrown out over allegations of prosecutorial impropriety, and he and the other attorneys were under investigation. Marsh committed suicide, which is a waste of all that study time trying to pass the bar. (I'd say who cares, but apparently it was important enough to make the national news pages)

"Like Tijuana On Cinco De Mayo"

In case you can't wait for more cat-monkey women, here's your panacea.

Hembakat är Bäst

Carl Kleiner's new cookbook (Hembakat är Bäst, or Homemade Is Best) for Ikea doesn't bother to show you a magnificent, finished dish. But you do see exactly what goes into it...

Pepparkakor

Mandelmussla

Lingonpeparkaka

Semlor

Klenätter

120 Lbs Of Irony (And Rotors And Gears And Polycarbonate)

The wealthy British businessman who owns the company that manufactures the Segway was been found dead in a river in northern England, hilariously after apparently falling off a cliff on one of the vehicles. C'mon, you know that's awesome.

Jimi Heselden (62) and his Segway were found in the River Wharfe, and he was pronounced dead at the scene. A witness reported seeing a man fall over a 30 foot drop into the river. It kinda makes those racing flames on the side seem a little garish now. Police added the incident was not suspicious, which means that they do not believe anyone else was involved, and that his death is still laughable.

Heselden bought control of the American-based company just in December, with a fortune made through his development of a successful blast wall system that replaced the sand bags used to protect troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. The company has been under scrutiny before for it's safety, though it is not believed that the this was anything more then pilot error. Back in 2006, all vehicles were recalled because of a software problem that could cause its wheels to reverse direction. President George W. Bush and TV host Piers Morgan are among the many who have been injured by the machine, and there are countless Segway mishaps on YouTube.

Here is a conveniently timed list of ironic deaths, y'know, for further reading...

Black Rainpolcalypse

Colbert On the Mount

"Stephen Colbert" commandeered a hearing on migrant farm workers this morning with lewd one-liners and sass. Finally, C-Span got interesting!

"I would like to submit a video of my colonoscopy into the Congressional Record," Stephen Colbert said (in character) to the lawmakers. "Sorry for saying cornpacker, I know it's an offensive term for gay Iowans," he directed at conservative Iowa Rep. Steve King. And he made reference to getting a "Brazilian" — a wax-based hair-removal service in a very delicate area of the body — from a Chilean at a spa serving tomatoes sliced by a Guatemalan. All of that was quite different from the “prepared” testimony passed out to the media before he spoke - a bland, seemingly straightforward speech on migrant workers in America.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she hadn’t seen Cobert's testimony, but applauded him for testifying before Congress. “Of course I think it’s appropriate. He's an American, right? He came before the committee. He has a point of view. He can bring attention to an important issue like immigration. I think it's great.” Meanwhile, Rep. Judy Chu defended Colbert's appearance, noting that Republican-led committees had invited celebrities such as Elmo the muppet to testify in the past.

Judiciary Committee Chairman John Conyers implored Colbert to simply enter his testimony into the record without speaking, to which Colbert replied, “No hablo Ingles”. Colbert began by recalling his day in fields at the invitation of the president of the United Farm Workers union. “Please don’t make me do this again, it is really, really hard...Most soil is at ground level. If we can put a man on the moon, how come we can’t make the earth waist-high. Come on, where is the funding?!"

News that Colbert would be testifying on the Hill had some fans lining up as early as 6:30 a.m. for a seat, and higher media attention than typical committee hearings, but if anything it succeeded in putting some focus on the migrants and Americans who pick fruits and vegetables in our country.  Fottage of this testimony can be found here.

Kids Have To Learn About That Tingle Sometime

It's not like it's racy like her other videos...

Backstage With Eric The Red

The Rape And Pillage Tour '95 made a stop in the UK, and played a few nights in Ireland. Who knew that it would be a favorite venue?

In their brutal road trip across most of the ninth century, Vikings eventually established two outposts in Ireland. The first location, Dúbh Linn, persevered and is known as Dublin. The other was lost in time...possibly until just recently.

Linn Duchaill had been an archaeological mystery, but just last week a settlement had been found 45 miles north of Dublin, in the village of Annagassan. Could that be it? The locals had long spoke of Viking raids dating back to 795 AD and a nearby lost settlement, backed up by an occasional discovery, like ancient handcuffs Vikings would have used on their slaves. In 2005, the search began, but it, and it wasn't until 2007 that they discovered a flat area upriver from Annagassan that could have been used for shipbuilding. With the help of a geophysicist (who was probably waiting for something to do - when have you heard of a geophysicist), a bunch of defensive ditches about fifteen feet deep were found.

The ditches were arranged in straight lines and didn't fit with the circular patterns of ring forts built by medieval Irishmen, and there was no evidence of a Norman castles. Excavations turned up 200 Viking attributed artifacts in about three short weeks. The settlement was big, and they had evidence of shipbuilding, carpentry, smelting, and even an artificial island that would have been used for defense (against the damn locals).

Archaeologists are hopeful that that they have found Linn Duchaill, though it would be known for sure until the artifacts are dated. But why did Dúbh Linn eventually become Ireland's most well known city, and Linn Duchaill disappeared? The scholars believe it had to do with access to the sea - Dublin enjoys pretty much constant access to the ocean, providing Vikings with an escape hatch if they were attacked. Linn Duchaill is blocked off from the sea for hours daily because of shifting tides, which could have made the outpost a deathtrap for the helmetheads.

Linus & Locke

Even before the will-they-or-won't-they get off the island finale, Lost's Ben Linus and John Locke Michael Emerson and Terry O'Quinn were talking about keeping their mojo going. Well, things are looking decent for their return to TV.

NBC has landed the rights to the project, coming from J.J. Abrams's production company and his co-horts who worked on Alias and the upcoming Mission Impossible 4. It's only a pilot commitment, but the show, which had been known as "Odd Jobs" and had the pair playing former black-ops agents or suburban hitmen, is a no-brainer to pick up - even by Hollywood's brainless standards.

Abrams already has Black Mr. And Mrs. Smith Undercovers on NBC, and shows in development at Fox (something about Alcatraz) and CBS (who cares - CBS is a shit channel), but you could do any premise with O'Quinn and Emerson and it would be worth watching. They were the two best parts of Lost (not counting Evangeline Lily and the rest of the female castaways in states of undress) - I'm in already.

A Storm Brewing

And now that you're familiar with it, a glimpse of the partially animated movie...

And in the meantime, background on "The Host" and "Storm" characters.

Frying Fish

Given the noise about the genetically enhanced super salmon, this fits in just fine. And of all places it comes from Sports Illustrated...and from over 45 years ago.

Howard Loeb was the senior aquatic biologist at the New York State Conservation Department Fish Laboratory in Livingston Manor, and instead of algae flakes, he's been feeding fish LSD and other hallucinogenic drugs. This is the nexus of the treatment of the mentally disturbed and commercial fishing.

Melting fishheads is just one of the things Loeb calls "the fun stuff—the thing that nobody knows anything about." He devised an electric pond-shocker that conservation workers use to obtain fish samples. His work on selective poison baits for carp extended far beyond his home state. And he's creating longer-lasting dyes for marking trout. But let's get back to that carp problem.

Dr. Harold A. Abramson, Director of Psychiatric Research at South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital in Amityville, N.Y., read of Loeb's work on carp poisons, and he offered LSD as a suggestion. The good doctor started experimenting with the drug himself and supported it as a possible tool to combat schizophrenia. Abramson chose was the Siamese fighting fish for his studies because it was plentiful, cheap, almost as sensitive to LSD as humans. When the drug was released into tank water, the fish surfaced and appeared as if in a stupor. Depending on the dosage, the fish would stay that way for hours - and sometimes days, before resuming normal behavior.

Loeb, who had the whole outdoors to test in, took great interest. With the help of pharmaceutical manufacturer Eli Lilly, Loeb has tested some 40 drug compounds on carp, goldfish, golden and common shiners, blacknose dace, yellow perch, pumpkinseed sun-fish, white suckers, bullheads, brook trout and brown trout. With the exception of the trout and the bullheads—which swim to the surface—the fish pop up to the top of the water, swim backward and often go into a stupor. Oddly, the carp become noticeably lighter in color when dosed. When transferred to a fresh tank, affected fish appear intoxicated up to several hours, then become darker in color and start to respond by sight to people and approaching nets.

"My idea in experimenting with these drugs," says Loeb, "is to find out which ones bring the fish up the best with a modest dose and then become nontoxic the quickest." What, you don't want to trip balls eating your fish sticks? He also discovered that he can tell if test water is still affected by putting it under ultraviolet light - if the water shows blue it is usually toxic contaminated. "What I actually envision is the chemical harvesting of commercial fish," he added. "I can see the day when you back your freezer truck up to the dock and the fish just march right out of the water and fillet themselves."

Whoa, looks like someone was drinking from the wrong water tank.

Makes You Want To Diet

Copyranter (who has been linked here before) finds all the horrible ads, and there's no shortage of unappetizing food pitches from here and around the world. Take the new Blood & Sand Slurpee. It explodes with flavor like a IED in your mouth! Warning may not contain equal portions of blood and sand!


McDonalds's caters to the cannibal in you (sorry, only fries, no finger sandwiches).


It's unclear if this comes from drinking Fanta or getting cozy with the Fanta Girls, but either way that's a nasty inflammation. See a doctor and get that thing lanced.


This is your rugged six pack from eating Subway's sandwiches, as rendered in bread...perhaps. It could also be Jared's colon from the sandwich point of view.


Thailand may be the secret pleasures capital of the world, but I think what they're promoting with their livestock crosses a line. A line drawn with underage boys. From now on, I only want Thai food that's not from Thailand.

More Shocking

That last Bioshock Infinite trailer? Forget it, and wrap your head around this.