Decorating For Dummies

Are you a pretensious ass who needs to give the air of intelligence and sophistication, but don't have the time to spare and really be so? Then how about decorating with books!

Why book decor?

"Designer books unlike draperies or carpeting appreciate in value and never wear out. They are an investment for the future, as well as the ideal item with which to decorate your home or office. Warm rich leathers and antique gilt accent any room from traditional to contemporary in style. A library, study or simply a corner table...designer books are an affordable and elegant way to add warmth and beauty to your decor."

Choose from:
Jewel Tone
Designer Mix
Zen Collection
Hand Picked
Unusual Colors
Less Than Perfect
French
German

Hell, you can even buy by the foot or yard! You see, the U.S. stopped producing leather bound books over 100 years ago, but affordably priced European books are plentiful and available to the American market. Their books are not just simply books, but in actuality, each is a work of art!

Accounting Accountability

The Pentagon's internal watchdogs can't keep up with the explosive growth in military spending, which means $152 billion's worth of contracts annually aren't being reviewed for fraud, abuse and criminal interference by the Defense Department's Inspector General. Which, knowing the current administration, means $152 billion in fraud, abuse and criminal interference.

The report given to Congress warns of "undetected or inadequately investigated criminal activity and significant financial loss," as well as "personnel, facilities and assets [that] are more vulnerable to terrorist activities". Since 2000, the military budget has essentially doubled to more than $600 billion. But while two wars have begun, the number of criminal investigators at the DOD IG has stayed more or less the same. So there are now "gaps in coverage in important areas, such as major weapon systems acquisition, health care fraud, product substitution, and Defense intelligence agencies," according to the report, obtained by the Project on Government Oversight.

Ten years ago, there was a financial auditor for every $642 million in Pentagon contracts. Today, that ratio stands at one auditor for every $2.03 billion. The overwhelmed staffers are only able to produce half the number of audits they did, a decade back. Crime -- and even threats to national security -- have also been allowed to flourish, thanks to the staffing shortages. Working with other agencies, the DOD IG's criminal investigators have brought in "770 criminal indictments, 644 convictions, and over $3.14 billion in criminal, civil, and administrative recoveries". Yet many other incidents are going unchecked. "Technology/Munitions theft and diversion crimes cannot be adequately investigated allowing these items to fall into the hands of those that would do the United States harm," according to the report.

"There have been massive holes in oversight for years, and in these shadows, criminals have been ripping off taxpayers and depriving our soldiers by wasting and stealing money and supplying defective equipment," said an investigator.

Still, with their shorthanded staff, the DOD IG's office has certainly stayed busy. In just the last few months, the DOD IG caught a Philippine corporation bilking $100 million from the military health care system; nabbed a trio trying to bribe their way into drinking water contracts for troops; busted an Air Force general who tried to steer a $50 million deal to his buddies; and launched investigations into the Pentagon's propaganda projects and the youthful arms-dealer who sold tens of millions of dollars' worth of dud ammunition to the government.

Sadly, the question is how much more could they have done with a bigger staff?

For The Children

I said I feel like Ol' Dirty Bastard this morning, not like one. Shimmy shimmy ya!

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

There's a new project by a small group of monied Silicon Valley geeks looking to build autonomous countries out at sea. Flawless, right? The project, called Seasteading, will consist of structures out at sea similar to oil derricks but built with living in mind. Patri Friedman, Executive Director of The Seasteading Institute and a former Google software engineer, answers some questions about just how this project will try and get off the ground.

What types of people do you see gravitating towards seasteading? What would the day-to-day benefits be that would draw people to the idea?

Pioneers - A lot of people have that desire to build something new on the frontier, and there aren't a lot of other frontiers left in the modern world. Utopians - I don't mean this literally (after all, the word means "No Place"). I just mean people who see problems with current social/political/economic/legal systems, have ideas about better ones, and are into them enough to want to actually try them out.

The exact day-to-day benefits would depend on individual motivation, and what you don't like about current countries. For many it will be low environmental footprint and sustainable practices. Personally, I'm a libertarian and I want more freedom. I hate having my money stolen to fund pointless wars and biofuel subsidies that make food more expensive worldwide. I hate having to worry about going to jail just because some of my hobbies involve altering my brain chemistry with substances that don't come from big pharma companies. I hate that my hot tub has been sitting empty for months because the zoning department wants us to jump through all sorts of hoops. I hate living in a society so big that my voice doesn't get heard. And a lot of people tell me they feel the same way.

What are the basic steps a normal person would have to go through to become a seasteader?

We're not quite sure how it will work, but one path we picture is slow, steady, incremental transition from ordinary life to the new one:

A person would need to find a group of like-minded folk who all agree on the vision for their society. Ideally, they'd live in the same area, and it would be on the water. Over the course of years, they'd meet, organize, set up the rules for their society, and save up the money to buy the physical platform (or build it themselves using our designs). Once they had the platform (in their local waters), they'd move onto it (as their leases come up / they sell their houses). They'd also be transitioning from their land-based jobs to seastead-based ones, and possibly becoming more self-sufficient if that's a goal of the community. Eventually, they'd move the platform offshore, perhaps first in commuting distance, and eventually out to the high seas.

Of course, someone could also join an existing community, which would be much quicker. Each community can set its own standards, but I imagine you'd have to like the society and its rules, and be able to make a living there (have a job, be able to telecommute, or be independently wealthy). Some may have more stringent requirements, others will have open borders.

Another option would be to start out vacationing there, perhaps via a 2-week / year timeshare. Over time, you could add onto the timeshare, and eventually make the transition to living there full-time. I think the timeshare model is a good one for the beginning, because there are way more people who'd be willing to try seasteading a couple weeks a year, as a vacation, than who are ready & able to move there full-time.

What would you do if, say, a 30-year-old guy wanted to vacation at a seastead with his 14-year-old girlfriend? How will basic rules be enforced and decided upon?

Each community will decide and enforce its own rules. More importantly, each community will decide its own procedures for deciding on its rules. The point is not just to create one political system or type of system, but to make a turnkey product for creating new countries, so that lots of different groups will try lots of different things, and we can all learn from it.

The one rule I think seasteads should enforce on each other is the right for individuals to choose their society. As long as people are freely choosing their society, then as far as I'm concerned the society can pick whatever rules it wants.

Personally, I want a society that's very libertarian for internal affairs, except for strong national security rules against doing anything that will piss off a military power (exporting drugs, laundering money, polluting). Basically the vision of "As much freedom as we can reasonably get away with."

Even using a flag of convenience, do you think you'd find yourselves a target for pirates?

It's possible, but I really doubt it. You never hear of cruise ships getting attacked by pirates, only cargo ships, because the ratio of "people defending" vs. "movable cargo" is so dramatically different in the two cases. There's a huge difference between attacking a container ship with 10 or 20 crew and a sea colony with hundreds of people who would be defending their homes.

Some people have suggested that if there are rich residents, pirates would attack to get ransom, but that's just not what you see out in the world. Residensea, the first condo cruise ship, has units that start at $5M, so they have a very wealthy population, and they've had no problems. Ransom is dangerous—it's hard to hide from satellites on the ocean, so you can't easily kidnap someone, so basically you're stuck in a hostage situation with someone who has a lot more resources and power than you.

Also, the vast majority of piracy is restricted to a few areas, which we'd of course avoid.

That said, we wouldn't want to make ourselves an easy target, so having some weapons seems like a good idea, to defend against countries as well as pirates. There's nothing we can do to stop the US military, of course, but there are cost-effective defenses like ship-to-ship cruise missiles which we will want to investigate.

What do you see as the biggest hurdle to this project becoming a reality?

Economics. The ocean is a harsh, resource-poor environment. Oil rigs can afford it because they are mining black gold. The price of low-end cruise lines makes me optimistic, but it's definitely going to be a challenge to make offshore real estate at a reasonable cost. Cost drives everything - if it's expensive, it'll just be for rich people, which might make a cool resort, but will fail at the goal of experimenting with new societies. If it's cheap enough, you'll get regular people just saying "screw normal life" and doing it. Or retiring there, like Americans who retire to Costa Rica. Also, there needs to be a seastead economy, or seasteads will be poor, and the cheaper the real estate, the less resources the ocean is draining, the more stuff will be profitable.

Governments are also a potential threat, but they're a bit of a wild card. I think we can live in a way which is new and different and doesn't bring down heat, but you never know when some politician will get pissed off. I think our strength will be in scale and diversity - it's easy to invade 1 sea-city, not so easy if there are hundreds and more springing up every day. That kind of success will bring govt. attention, but if it's decentralized it's going to be hard for them to do much about it. And eventually we'll be big enough to afford a military of our own.

You're telling me there's not enough "freedom that you can reasonably get away with" in the United States? Unless you're looking to cater to ultra-rich heroin smoking child rapists, really, who needs more liberty? If you want to get high and whine about your taxes being used for the war instead of solar powered farm machinery then go ahead, but this just sounds like little more than a commune at sea. Or worse, a living version of Bioshock.

Microwaved Celly

It's been posted everywhere, but it's cool, so I will follow suit for everybody who doesn't get around the interweb. You see Cloverfield, digital camera clips can be interesting and well done!

Legal Monstrosity

Clearly, no one and nothing is safe from the litigious wrath of Monster Cable, who has sued time and again because their names are too similar to other entities. This time it's a mini golf company.

Looking back at their history, founder Noel Lee & Co. have sued Disney for Monsters, Inc., Bally Gaming for Monster Slots slot machines, the people who make Monster Energy drinks, and the Chicago Bears, because their nickname is "Monsters of the Midway." Since they think their customers are too stupid to know the difference, here's plenty more suits for them to file (via Gizmodo).

• The Green Monster, Boston's left field wall at Fenway Park
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Monster Trucks
• A town in the Netherlands
• Hillary Clinton
• The Cookie Monster
• Giant Monster Movies
• The Monsters of Rock Tour
• Monster Sushi, a sushi chain in NY
• The dance The Monster Mash
• Everybody named "Noel Lee"
• Ugly people who look like monsters
• The Loch Ness Monster
• Unreal Tournament for their M-M-M-M-M-Monster kill
• This wikipedia entry for monster
• Charlize Theron for acting in the movie called Monster
• The cartoon show Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
• An arrangement of matter that has maximum disorder
• The Ducati Monster motorcycle
• The cataloging app Delicious Library's creator
• Monster Park, the ballpark in SF, even though they're the ones who bought out the name

Poncho!

I guess good advertising will make you want to buy anything.

Get Your S Straight

One's old, one's black, and one's dead. You should be able to figure it out. Hollywood is confusing.

His Words - Not Mine

Rejoice, friends! There'll be twice as much Famous M on the interweb starting next week.

Scartoe and I have combined forces for a little experiment called His Words - Not Mine. Check it out and be sure to swing by every Monday starting June 2nd.

Beardquest

Taking my thoughts on Moustache Club to a higher level, one man has made it his quest to obtain every beard type.

More here.

I'm Not The Only One Who Hates Baseball

Former major league pitcher Geremi Gonzalez, who won 11 (whole) games(!) for the Chicago Cubs in 1997, was killed by a lightning strike in his native Venezuela yesterday. I guess Mother Nature ain't too fond of the sport either.

Gonzalez was struck by lightning at a beach. He was 33 and pitched for five major league teams from 1997-2006. The right-hander appeared in 131 games with 83 starts, compiling a 30-35 record. Gonzalez also played for the Tampa Bay Rays, Boston Red Sox, New York Mets and Milwaukee Brewers. He made a combined 24 appearances for the Mets and Brewers in his final major league season in 2006.

The Toronto Blue Jays released him during spring training last year. Gonzalez then moved to Japan and pitched in five games for the Yomiuri Giants before looking attractive to a lightning bolt.

Inarticulate Evil

Terrible Satanic puppetry and rejects from the glam rock scene don't mix.

The Weekend That Summer Began

For most people, the three days in a row for Memorial Day signal the start of white pants and a return to the beach. If you are headed out there, make sure to use appropriate sunscreen and cover up.

That 1 Guy

That 1 Guy is the stage name of Mike Silverman, a former jazz bassist who plays an instrument of his own invention, which he calls the Magic Pipe. In actuality it is a collection of pipes, attached together in the rough shape of a harp with one two strings, running its length. He augments this electronically while also playing kick drums and triggers. The result is something that could be described as a modern one man band.

His new album is The Moon is Disgusting, which is about as absurd and infectious as one could hope for. These clips of Silverman performing live gives you a much better indication of how his Magic Pipe operates.

Buttmachine

The Moon Is Disgusting

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Memorable Memorial, Or, The Skank Power Hour

Two new shows break on Memorial Day, and it will be unforgettable.

E!, who once brought you true stories from Hollywood before creating stories by airing celebrity programs, and reached a new low - if that's possible. As if already running Keeping Up With The Kardashians, where viewers can see how many people can function at a level just below severely retarded while collectively sharing one brain wasn't taxing enough.

Starting at 10pm, it's The Homewrecking Whore Chronicles Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Apparently, her public sparing with ex-husband Charlie Sheen and adulterous affair with Richie Sambora make her both interesting and complicated. Because before squeezing out a pair of daughters for Charlie Sheen to give paternal issues to, all she was know for was playing a pair or tits in Starship Troopers, a pair of tits in Wild Things, and a pair of tits / nuclear scientist with the Remington Steele James Bond.

"Opening up her life for the first time Denise Richards lays it all on the line. Follow the high-profile star as she navigates Hollywood, romance and motherhood after a tumultuous year in the tabloids," goes the tagline for her show. Yes, there's nothing like a television soapbox to force your side of a messy divorce out and try and manage a little damage control for literally screwing over your best friend, even if the side effect is trying to revive your sagging career. Really, it's not that complicated. Or interesting.

At 10.30, the Lohan family brand of used vaginas infects your television. Having done a terrific job of raising Lindsay, Dina aka "White Oprah" throws 14 year old Ali to the media wolves. Ever see those old movies where they have the virgin who is getting sacrificed to the volcano or village monster, and this is a grand honor to be selected? That's what's going on here. And just like the split second of recognition as the creature strikes or the heat of the lava rises, the shrieks of terror come from the bound victim, realizing what is really going on.

The one distinction for White Oprah is that her daughters have not gone totally down the crash-and-burn highway of Lynne Spears' delightful offspring...but she's veering into dangerously close territory. Dian Lohan is a starfucker of the highest caliber, and whoring out the next princess in her farm league is all part of her own narcissism and delusions of grandeur. If your cup of tea is having somebody see how often their family shows up in the tabloids, you're an idiot but you're gonna love this. Anybody else will find it revolting.

pre-skanked vs. fully skanked

Robert Asprin 1946-2008

Robert Asprin was a science fiction writer and anthologist, best known for his Thieves World books and Myth series.

I read the first seven or eight Myth books in my youth in conjunction with the Xanth series by Piers Anthony - the two having an affinity for puns and wordplay. In one introduction, he stated that the original inspiration for the Myth Adventures series was the "Road to..." comedy movies, which star Bing Crosby and Bob Hope as wandering con-artists/adventurers. Intentionally or otherwise, the books also share many similarities with the Robert Heinlein novel Glory Road. Both works feature a relatively ordinary protagonist who joins a special cognoscenti of adventurers who seek profit and fame by traveling through a kaleidoscopic array of dimensions; in the process of this, he becomes a famous hero through exaggeration and promotion by his companions. In both stories different levels of technology are permitted for use in different worlds, e.g. firearms/heat-seeking missiles are forbidden in a dimension where swords and bows are the norm. Magic is depicted as a power of the mind and magical artifacts are controlled mechanically with dials and switches, feats of engineering rather than mysticism. And both also feature a baby dragon that speaks by making 'Geep'/'Gleep' noises.

Asprin also wrote the Phule's Company series.

Form And Function

UFO Cap will keep your child dry in rainstorms, and thwart predators with embarrassment. Welcome back, Planet Japan. We missed you.

Egghead

Wow, that's a dome on Cameron Diaz! How was she hiding that under her hair? Obligatiory Rubber Johnny reference now for the two or three who may get it.

Henge Crimes

Vandals used a hammer and screwdriver to vandalise the Stonehenge ancient monument, the first such incident for decades. Those Druids, pissing everyone off!

The night-time attack by two men last week involved the central megalith in the 5,000year old ring of standing stones, and authorities believe the vandals could have been looking for a souvenir. A chip of stone about the size of a large coin was removed, while a 2.5-inch long scratch was left on the Heel Stone, at the centre of the site.

"Thanks to the vigilance and quick action of the security team at Stonehenge, very minimal damage was caused," said a spokeswoman. "A tiny chip was taken from the north side of the Heel Stone with a screwdriver and hammer, but as soon as the two men were spotted by security guards they escaped over the fence and drove off. It is believed they could be two men seen acting suspiciously on a previous occasion."

Stonehenge is one of the world's best preserved prehistoric monuments. In around 2,600 BC, 80 giant standing stones were arranged on Salisbury Plain, where there was already a 400-year-old stone circle. The biggest stones came from a quarry some 18 miles away, while some of the others come from a range of hills in southwest Wales, a 150 mile journey. Around two centuries later, even bigger stones were brought to the plain. Today, only 40% of the originals remain, which draws over 850,000 visitors annually to marvel at the stones.

Indycyclopedia

On the eve of his return to the big screen, The Thighmaster dug up plenty of Indiana Jones informata and trivium.

First, Empire magazine's Indy month, including the people who were almost cast, name the character, and Indiana clones. Yes, 30 days of hype and history - an adventure onto itself! Thirsty after that? Have a Diet Coke!

What about the scoop on the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland? Here you go! And if that's not enough pop-culture blending of icons, then go through the dozen or so Simpsons references over the years. Or load up on Indy carbs with Kellogg's! If you're still hungry you can have a Dr. Pepper or Burger King (they have toys too).

You can travel to the hotspots Dr. Jones has been to, or just choose your own adventure (books, that is), and even make up your own, Mad Libs style. Or parody it altogether.

Find out how Spielberg invented PG-13, or see what Kate Capshaw has had since Temple Of Doom. Watch Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom (NES version) on a deathless speedrun. Like porn in your adventure? Wank some San Fernando Jones and the Temple of Poon and Indiana Mack action! And for the discerning computer, SF Fedora

Jones lotto scratch offs from Idaho, Florida, Michigan, Texas, Tennessee, Iowa, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, the UK, Australia, and Indiana (duh)! The most Star Wars actors in a non-Star Wars film! Real people named Indiana Jones, and one even from Marion, Illinois! Behold, the power of the Ark!