Who's That Girl?

Long has it been necessary to show some curves to make it in Hollywood, but sometimes actresses just can't cut it. Or they're not tough enough to handle a scene that requires some action. Here's 10 of the top bodies you've seen and thought they belonged to someone else (via Ask Men.com):

Number 10 - Renee Sloan
Although she's most well-known for being the gal who stopped Scott Baio from being "45 and single,” this Tennessee girl originally got her start as one of Hef’s favorite Bunnies. She rode the fame associated with that position (or positions, depending on how you look at it) to work as one of the industries cutest body doubles, she has also acted in small roles.

Body double take: Pamela Anderson’s ridiculous proportions make her truly one of a kind. Oh, except for Renee Sloan, who was her body double for Baywatch.

Number 9 - Julie Strain
When you're a 6-foot, 1-inch woman, the number of actresses you can sub in for is relatively small. That didn’t stop this ambitious California beauty from trying. Armed with a Penthouse Pet of the Year Award, she traveled to Tinseltown and got to work almost immediately. Julie Strain hasn’t looked back since, with over 100 credits to her name. As far as body doubles go, we would take Julie Strain over the A-listers she subs in for.

Body double take: From doubling in for Geena Davis during the sex scene in Thelma & Louise, this wicked woman went on to form a lucrative career starring in low-budget T&A movies like The Bare Wench Project and Babewatch Biker Babes. What a country!

Number 8 - Darlene Ava Williams
Most of us think of stuntwomen as husky, muscular types who gave up careers as gym teachers to make it big in Hollywood. However, this stunning blonde stunt double shatters that misconception, subbing in for divas like Lindsay Lohan and Evan Rachel Wood. With her father being one of the country’s foremost elephant trainers and her mother a fourth-generation aerialist, Darlene was literally raised in the circus. She parlayed the skills picked up amongst the freaks and outcasts into a lucrative career in Hollywood as one of the hottest body doubles.

Body double take: Darlene’s work in Tim Burton’s awful remake of Planet of the Apes might have been the only good part of the film as she subbed in for Helena Bonham Carter. She’s also appeared as Lindsay Lohan’s double in Herbie: Fully Loaded. And we're sure the 24 preteen girls who paid to see it really appreciated her work.

Number 7 - Alisa Hensley
What do Charlize Theron, Cameron Diaz and Nicole Kidman have in common? Two things: they're all hot, and Alisa Hensley has appeared as a body double for all three. She’s a blonde, blue-eyed American beauty and was named one of the 20 Most Fit Women of All-Time by Muscle & Fitness magazine. Not only that, but she can also drive circles around you on a 1500cc racing bike.

Body double take: One of Hollywood’s most decorated stunt performers, Alisa has appeared as the stand-in for the female terminator in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, and was Natasha Henstridge’s double alongside Matthew Perry in The Whole Ten Yards.

Number 6 - Catherine Bell
Not all actresses who start off as body doubles are destined for a career in soft-core porn or as a Wal-Mart greeter. Catherine Bell went from baring it all to entertaining literally dozens of people by starring in TV’s military courtroom drama JAG.

Body double take: This London-born firecracker appeared nude as both Meryl Streep and Isabella Rossellini’s body double in the memorable strip scene featured in Death Becomes Her.

Number 5 - Zoe Bell
Anyone who's seen Quentin Tarantino’s outrageous Death Proof will know Zoe Bell as the unfortunate chick stuck on the hood of the car during the movie’s climatic chase scene. However, this tough, glamorous Kiwi is also one of Hollywood’s busiest body doubles and stunt persons.

Body double take: “Zoe the Cat” is most famous for replacing Uma Thurman during Kill Bill’s more trying scenes. That is almost cool enough to allow us to forgive her for also stunt doubling in Xena: Warrior Princess.

Number 4 - Barbara Alexandre
It boggles the mind: Paris Hilton coasts to super riches on a cloud of nepotism and slutty-ness, while this talented (and infinitely better looking), trilingual singer/dancer/actress still has to settle for work as a body double. However, Barbara refuses to let it get her down, grinding it out on Canadian TV shows and small dancing tours waiting for her big break.

Body double take: As long as Halle Berry keeps making movies, this Canadian beauty will be gainfully employed. She’s doubled for the former Mrs. David Justice in X-Men 2, Gothika and according to some rumors, Catwoman -- which is amazing. No, not the fact that she body doubled for Halle Berry, the fact that someone actually watched Catwoman.

Number 3 - Kate Clarke
Kate Clark takes the stereotype of the ditzy, untalented Hollywood bimbo and turns it on its prejudiced ear. She’s appeared as a body double to some of the most beautiful women in the world, but is also a successful artist, published poet and accomplished screenwriter. And if that weren’t enough: Vanity Fair magazine suggested this vixen has one of L.A.’s best bodies.

Body double take: If the producers of a film starring arguably the most beautiful woman in the world -- read, Angelina Jolie -- pick you to be her body double, does that make you No. 2? Kate has doubled for Mrs. Pitt in Mr & Mrs Smith as well as subbing in for Kate Beckinsale in the under-appreciated Vacancy.

Number 2 - Leilani Munter
The career path of many body double/actresses runs from body doubling in nude scenes in low-budget horror movies to trophy wives of Hollywood executives to prenup-funded socialites. However, this ravishing raven-haired wonder went on an entirely different path, one paved with rubber-streaked asphalt on the Indy Car circuit. And when Leilani Munter’s not defying death at 200-plus mph, she also lobbies congress on environmental issues.

Body double take: Michael Douglas remains one of the few lucky bastards to see Catherine Zeta-Jones naked, as Leilani stood in for the Welsh beauty in both Traffic and America’s Sweethearts.

Number 1 - Shelley Michelle
Being known as the queen of body doubles is sort of akin to being known as the tallest midget. However, this blonde bombshell has carved a tidy little niche out of subbing in for shy starlets. Aware that her 38D-27-36 body won’t last forever, the enterprising woman has moved into writing and producing.

Body double take: Shelley grew up in Hollywood, so she didn’t need to travel far to appear in films like My Stepmother is an Alien (doubling for Kim Basinger) and The Prince of Tides. However, the leggy former dancer (her legs are insured for $1 million) is best known for her work as Julia Roberts’ naked body in Pretty Woman.

Groin Reaction

A chance occurrence during minor surgery resulted in the first-ever video of a human ovary in the act of ovulation.

Stephan Gordts and Ivo Brosens of the Leuven Institute for Fertility & Embryology in Belgium performed transvaginal laparoscopy, which involves making a small cut in the vaginal wall and observing the ovary with an endoscope. "This allows us direct access to and observation of the tubo-ovarian structures without manipulation using forceps," he said.

The patient was told of the upcoming MAGNA show, and a small amount of saline was used to float the opening of the fallopian tube, its fimbriae (the "fingers" that sweep the egg into the tube) and the ovary itself. In the video, the fimbriae can be seen sweeping in time with the patient's heartbeat. A mucus plug can be seen protruding from the ovary – this contains the egg.

"The ovum is not captured 'naked'...There is no eruption like a volcano." He later went to to describe the band's music as equally as powerful a force of nature.

The researchers says that in clinical practice it is not easy to organise the observation of ovulation. "We were probably lucky to be successful at our first attempt," he says, but expects similar results for women, reaching peak fertility at this Friday's show.

Proves Me Right

When teacher Kathy Amati showed the video for Jennifer Lopez's "Let's Get Loud" to the autistic students at P.S. 37 in Staten Island, the children liked it so much, they wanted to watch it every day. They learned the lyrics and the dance moves from the video. With their teacher's encouragement, they wrote to Lopez, hoping for pictures or an autograph. Instead, she asked to come to their graduation.

Yesterday, the bubble butt, chihuahua-faced-man loving singer performed "Let's Get Loud" for the group of 10 and 11 year olds at their graduation ceremony.

This backs my long held assertion that only mentally retarded children could like Jennifer Lopez.

Jones vs. Jones

The perverts at the incredibly NSFW Fleshbot have taken a look at two of the summer's biggest blockbusters — Indiana Jones and the Kindgom of the Crystal Skull and Carolina Jones and the Broken Covenant, and felt it was only fair to see how Dr. Jones measures up against his porn doppleganger. Are these sequels sympathetic to the original spirit of the Indy legend? And more importantly, are they faithful to each other? Here's a point-by-point evaluation to see which Jones did the best job keeping the blood pumping.

Oh, and spoiler alert!: major plot points of both films are revealed below, so if you still haven't seen either one consider yourself warned. God forbid you find out which one of our heroes gets to have a threeway or anything...

Costumes
Even though she's pictured in the trademark fedora on the cover, Ava Rose's Jones generally opts for the topless look, eschewing the Indy's customary leather and khakis for a more breezy, summertime feel. You never know when a quick costume change might help you slip into a particularly well-guarded tomb.

Advantage: Carolina

Tools
Indy uses his trusty whip for just about everything, while Carolina, oddly enough, opts for a boomerang with which she pummels aggressive suitors.

Advantage: Indy (But only because you can't swing over a pit of snakes with a boomerang.)

Sidekick
In Temple of Doom, Indy adopted Short Round, a small, wisecracking Chinese boy with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond his years. In Broken Covenant, Carolina adopts Dixie, played by Bree Olson, a buxom, wisecracking Southern girl with a funny voice and a wisdom beyond her years. Short Round distracts guards by running between their legs. Dixie just fucks them.

Advantage: Carolina (Duh.)

Villains
Never trust shady European treasure hunters with white hair! Indy is haunted at every turn by dirty Frenchman René Belloq, then turncoat Walter Donovan, then Soviet minx Irina Spalko who wants to mind rape everyone in America. Meanwhile, Carolina is seized by a crazy old coot who nearly kills her and her friends in his backyard. However, none compare to Arnold Toht, the evil Gestapo agent who is both creepy and psychotic, burning the key to the Well of the Souls right into the palm of his hand without missing a beat. Fortunately, each one of these people eventually get their faces melted off.

Advantage: Indy

Evil Henchmen
Bad guys in all the movies employ an army of faceless olive drab clones who are either German, Russian, Nazi, or all of the above. Carolina's pursuers can also be spotted driving leftover Soviet trucks, so all your evil empire bases are covered.

Advantage: Draw

Femme Fatales
Nikky Blond (as Helga) bears a striking resembles to The Last Crusade's Alison Doody, though she dies much earlier. But what a death it is, coming shortly after a boning session down in the catacombs.

Advantage: Carolina

Accents
We're not sure which was more forced—Bree Olson's high-pitched southern drawl or Cate Blanchett's fussy Russian dominatrix. But Bree is just so adorable, we can't possibly knock her down.

Advantage: Carolina

Gruesome Fates
Besides a spiked dildo to the head, the most striking parallel between the two films is that both Crystal Skull and Broken Covenant feature a scene where the bad guy meets a horrible end at the tiny claws and teeth of ravenous, man-eating fire ants. Not a good way to go. Having honey poured on your cock before they devour it is just adding insult to injury.

Advantage: Carolina

Treasure
Carolina is also on the hunt for the Ark of the Covenant; the very same artifact that made her dad famous. (Yes, you read that right .... Carolina is Indy's daughter! And much better behaved than her greaser brother, if you ask us.) Papa comes to the rescue to save the Ark and his brood, which is a little disappointing, because we think Carolina could have handled herself just fine. Just like the last time, foolish people pay for messing with the Ark and the Jones family, although the aforementioned face-melting still makes us cringe to this day.

Advantage: Indy

Sex
Indy is a legendary cocksman, bagging lady friends from Nepal to Vienna to Shanghai. Carolina, however, does not follow in his footsteps. In fact, she's only had sex with one man in her whole life! He was a suave treasure hunter who broke her heart and left her unable to love - that's why his penis gets eaten by ants. The tables are turned however, when Crystal Skull finds Indy settling down with his baby mama while Carolina finally buries her man troubles (literally!) and makes up for her lack of sexual experience in a big way.

Advantage: Like you have to ask?

And the winner is? Only one movie this summer will give you action, adventure, treasure, and a sizzling hot anal threesome. The choice is clear...

My Least Favorite Martian

Anyone who has heard about the Ultimate Secret of Scientology, the tale of Xenu the alien and his cruel volcano-esploding ways, has probably wanted to know more. What motivated Xenu? What kinds of clothes did he wear and what was his favorite music? Was he friends with psychiatrists? What were his true feelings about the Galactic Confederation and the Loyal Officers of the People? Now you can find out all this and more in a 1975 novella called "Revolt in the Stars," written by L. Ron Hubbard himself.

Apparently, Xenu was fond of dark suits. He also had dark hair and liked classical music, as well as cold drinks. He's a pretty bitter guy, and when he rounded up the people he would later bring to Earth and blow up with atomics placed inside volcanoes, he picked psychiatrists to help him weed out these undesirables. Those undesirables included "motion picture producers," as well as "writers" and "blacks." Also, "salesmen." Interesting mix.

Other interesting things of note: apparently the aliens from millions of years ago who hung out with Xenu used "felt tip pens." Makes sense. Felt-tips are pretty advanced technology. Want to know more? Check out the whole story. It's full of awesome adjectives, moody generals, and tragic esplosions. And if you need the full Scientology back story, check out this handy chart.

Science Made Stupid

There's an answer for most everything out there because of a little thing called science. And author Tom Weller.

Since the dawn of time, man has looked to the heavens and wondered: where did the stars come from? He has looked at the great diversity of plants and animals around him and wondered: where did life come from? He has looked at himself and wondered: where did I come from? Later, he began to ask more complicated questions. He looked in his wallet and asked: where did my paycheck go? Am I on the right bus? Who do you like in the series? To the former questions, at least, science has provided answers.

What is Science? Put most simply, science is a way of dealing with the world around us. It is a way of baffling the uninitiated with incomprehensible jargon. It is a way of obtaining fat government grants. It is a way of achieving mastery over the physical world by threatening it with destruction. Science represents mankind's deepest aspirations - aspirations to power, to wealth, to the satisfaction of sheer animal lusts. The cornerstone of modern science is the scientific method. Scientists first formulate hypotheses, or predictions, about nature. Then they perform experiments to test their hypotheses. There are two forms of scientific method, the inductive and the deductive.

Sound simple? It is. Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. Today, all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is available to anyone. Popular science books, magazines and computer programs - with their simple, fatuous and misleading prose, their garish illustrations, their flimsy modern production values - have brought science within the reach of anyone who can afford their inflated prices or who can mooch off someone else. Indeed, today a myriad of sources are available to explain science facts that science itself has never dreamed of.
Some fine examples of knowledge (follow the links for a shameless amount of info):

The Universe
The universe began five thousand years ago with the big bang. All the matter in existence, which had been compacted in a tiny ball, explosively flew apart. No one knows what caused it, but kids playing with matches is suspected.As the primordial matter spread out, it began to coalesce into the celestial objects we know today - galaxies, stars, planets and dust bunnies.









Matter & Energy

The early alchemists thought that there were only four kinds of matter, or elements - Earth, Air, Fire and Water.All of the different kinds of matter we see around us were believed to come from mixtures of these four. While this was a good start, four elements alone did not seem to porvide enough diversity to account for all matter. Today we recognize far more elements than the ancients, and can arrange them in a periodic table to make them appear impressive and hard to understand.







The Earth

Since the Earth is a rotating sphere, different points on its surface move at different velocities depending on their platitude. The result of this unequal velocity - the Coriolanus Effect - casues storm systems to rotate clockwise north of the equator and counter-clockwise to the south. This effect even influences which way water in a sink will swirl as it runs down the drain.









Evolution

After the Creosote extinctions, mammals were able to take advantage of the fact that they were endothermic (liked flowers), placental (had bad breath) and quadrupedal (didn't know any better) to spread and diversify.In the Tutelary Age, mammals became the dominant class and grew quite large at times. The great Irish bunny, for example, often had antlers eight feet across.












The Descent of Man
Man and the modern apes are not the only families that descended from the ancestral primates. Many early branches of the hominid tree are now extinct, or survive only in isolated areas.





















Plus an Appendix, Glossary, series of Tables & Charts, and Further Reading for the person who wants to know everything!

John McC

sent blessedly by H.R.M. Idle Eyes The See-Thru

If you're looking to get fired, crank this up really loud in your office, preferably around your lady co-workers, then start packing up your things. You'll be gone by lunchtime.

C.I.A. MAGNA

Congratulations, your weekend just got better!

MAGNA is coming to C.I.A. - the California Institute of Abnormalarts this Friday at 9pm to give you a musical bitchslap. The band that makes music like the soundtrack to a hallucination playing at the venue that looks like it was raped by a carnival sideshow is too good to pass up! Follow the link, get yourself educated, and see you there!

Worth 1000

Pixdaus has a collection of interesting, artistic, and sometimes odd photos submitted by you. Well, not you you, but the royal you.

Share And Share Alike

The ShareCentral is a 5-port USB hub that allows two computers to share USB devices without a network. Hells yeah!
Just plug the devices in the hub, plug the hub into both computers, and you can use your mouse, keyboard, hard drive or whatever on either computer with the flick of a switch. Best of all, it knows which computer is trying to print and automatically swtiches the printer to that machine, like a network device.

Key features include:

• Share up to five different USB peripherals – Instantly share access to multiple USB peripherals between two computers at the press of a button. Users gain instant access to their USB peripherals by plugging one simple USB cable into their computers. LED lights on the product indicate which computer has access.

• Plug–n–play right out of the box!

• ShareCentral eliminates cable mess by connecting device cables into a central desktop unit; also wall mountable.

• Easy printer sharing –Simply press a button to switch the USB printer from one computer to another. ShareCentral 2 and ShareCentral 5 Automatic Print Sharing will detect and automatically switch to the computer that is trying to print, conveniently eliminating the need for any buttons to be pressed.

• All USB ports are independently controlled by a button and assignable to either computer. Each button comes with interchangeable magnetic keycaps for personalization to user's device and specifications.

Cockpuncher!

The Onion Movie began production in 2003, and after being dropped by Fox, shelved more than once, shuffling directors a few times and eventually being disavowed by most of the original crew, it's finally out on DVD!

How does a satirical newspaper translate to a feature film? By being broken into a series of interrelated sketches that transition into one another without pause or introduction (a la Monty Python’s Flying Circus or Mr. Show). What is one of many running gags in the film, this...is...COCKPUNCHER!

Tech Up

Last year, Warner Bros. acquired the rights to Robotech, the anime classic that aired in the United States as a daily syndicated series in the 80s. Prepare to nerdgasm on who's writing the big-screen adaptation:

Lawrence Kasdan.

Yes, the man responsible for such screenplays as Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back, plus also penning and directing The Big Chill, Silverado, and Grand Canyon. That’s the good news. Now, the not-so-good news: Akiva Goldsman is coming aboard as a producer, along with Chuck Roven. They join Tobey Maguire and Drew Crevello who are likely being cast as mech-pilots Rick Hunter and Max Sterling.

Robotech took place on a futuristic Earth, where mankind has used technology salvaged from a crashed alien spacecraft to create giant mecha — which it then uses to battle alien invaders. The show was adapted from three different mecha series: The Super Dimension Fortress Macross, Super Dimension Cavalry Southern Cross, and Genesis Climber Mospeada (yes, all easy to remember).

if you don't think this is cool, you were never a boy in the 80s

Chapter Three

As should now be ingrained in your mind every Monday morning, head over to His Words - Not Mine for the exciting third chapter of the semi-collaboration between myself and Scartoe.

Jersey Weekend

Oh yeah, back in New Jersey! Another cousin, another bar mitzvah...in the great state of Carl. Red eye flights, big meals, the works.

Happy News For Happy People

I'm so excited for the return of the totally wonderful Mogwai to Los Angeles!

Ratts Of The Capital

Not only is their new album, The Hawk Is Howling, coming towards the end of September, but they're stopping at The Wiltern two weeks prior. After seing them in 2000 with Scartoe and supporting The Cure in 2004, it's been too long waiting for them to play. I can almost forgive that their most recent stop in Los Angles was part of Coachella in 2006, because as much as I love them , I have no choice but to avoid that clusterfuck of desert survival no matter the act (which has cost me the chance to see Tool, The Pixies, Portishead, Roger Waters, and Radiohead to name just a few).

Tickets are already locked up...damn, waiting sucks!

Assy Pig Tank

Kim Kardashian, daughter of shitbag O.J. Simpson defense lawyer Robert Kardashian, is yet another useless hunk of ass fat who is a celebrity for no good reason. Without the magic of Photoshop, her giant, er, everything is hidiously apparent. I don't know why she's doing a bathing suit shoot in Monaco with sister Kourtney (and what the fuck with all the K names, including mother Kris and third sister Khloe), but the last time I saw something that big come out of the water, somebody was yelling "release the Kraken".

When the only claim to fame you have is that Ray-J and Reggie Bush have parked in your chunky butt, you sure as hell don't deserve a television show - and three minutes of watching it would confirm that. This tank sized pig made mostly of ass isn't even qualified to be in a Lane Bryant ad.

Meet The Death

Tim Russert, NBC News’ Washington bureau chief and the moderator of “Meet the Press,” died Friday after a sudden heart attack at the bureau, NBC News said Friday. He was 58.

Russert was recording voiceovers for Sunday’s “Meet the Press” program when he collapsed.

The recipient of 48 honorary doctorates, he took over the helm of “Meet the Press” in December 1991. Now in its 60th year, “Meet the Press” is the longest-running program in the history of television. Earlier this year, Time named him one of the 100 most influential people in the world.

After graduating from law school, Russert went into politics as a staff operative. In 1976, he worked on the Senate campaign of Daniel Patrick Moynihan, D-N.Y., and in 1982, he worked on Mario Cuomo’s campaign for governor of New York. Russert joined NBC News in 1984. In April 1985, he supervised the live broadcasts of NBC's TODAY show from Rome, negotiating and arranging an appearance by Pope John Paul II, a first for American television. In 1986 and 1987, Russert led NBC News’ weeklong broadcasts from South America, Australia and China.

His “Meet the Press” interviews with George W. Bush and Al Gore in 2000 won the Radio and Television Correspondents’ highest honor, the Joan S. Barone Award, and the Annenberg Center’s Walter Cronkite Award. Russert’s March 2000 interview of Sen. John McCain shared the 2001 Edward R. Murrow Award for Overall Excellence in Television Journalism. In 2005, Russert was awarded an Emmy for his role in the coverage of the funeral of President Ronald Reagan.

He was also the recipient of the John Peter Zenger Award, the American Legion Journalism Award, the Veterans of Foreign Wars News Media Award, the Congressional Medal of Honor Society Journalism Award, the Allen H. Neuharth Award for Excellence in Journalism, the David Brinkley Award for Excellence in Communication and the Catholic Academy for Communication’s Gabriel Award. He was a member of the Broadcasting & Cable Hall of Fame.

Russert was a trustee of the Freedom Forum’s Newseum and a member of the board of directors of the Greater Washington Boys and Girls Club, and America’s Promise — Alliance for Youth. In 1995, the National Father’s Day Committee named him “Father of the Year,” Parents magazine honored him as “Dream Dad” in 1998, and in 2001 the National Fatherhood Initiative also recognized him as Father of the Year. Irish America magazine named him one of the top 100 Irish Americans in the country, and he was selected as a Fellow of the Commission of European Communities.

So basically, Russert was a well-liked good guy who died too early. Evil Dick Cheney will live forever but respectable folks like Russert can't make 60. That's fucked. So is dying at work. I would totally be upset if I died at work. The only cool on-the-job death was Morphine's Mark Sandman who had a heart attack in the middle of a set on stage.

Hell Yes I Believe He Can Fly

A jury acquitted R. Kelly on all counts of child pornography after less than a day of deliberations Friday, ending an ordeal for the R&B superstar that began when he was charged six years ago. It's official - R. Kelly can do anything.

Prosecutors had argued that a graphic sex tape showed Kelly having sex with a girl as young as 13 at the time. Both Kelly, 41, and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were on the tape. Neither testified during the trial. The prosecution's star witness was a woman who said she engaged in three-way sex with Kelly and the alleged victim. Defense attorneys argued the man on the tape didn't have a large mole on his back; Kelly has such a mole.

The monthlong trial centered on whether Kelly was the man who appears on a sexually graphic, 27-minute videotape at the heart of the case, and whether a female who also appears on it was underage. Over seven days presenting their case, prosecutors called 22 witnesses, including several childhood friends of the alleged victim and four of her relatives who identified her as the female on the video. In just two days, Kelly's lawyers called 12 witnesses. They included three relatives of the alleged victim who testified they did not recognize her as the female on the tape.

Hulk Smash

Speaking of the jolly green giant, Newsarama has kicked down 10 of the top tussles:

10. Hulk vs. a mountain range (Secret Wars #4)

During the original Secret Wars, the major heroes and many villains of the Marvel Universe were whisked away to Battleword, a patchwork planet assembled by the infinitely powerful being, the Beyonder. Beyonder, like some omniscient Vince McMahon, watched as the two sides duked it out. At one point, Molecule Man attempted to kill the heroes by dropping a mountain cluster on them. And the Hulk freaking caught it. Iron Man (Jim Rhodey, at that point) managed to blast the heroes out with a combined boost from Captain Marvel and Human Torch, but it was Hulk who boggled fans' minds with his feat of strength.


9. Hulk vs. She-Hulk (Avengers v3 #75)

This gem from Geoff Johns's run as writer features a great reversal: She-Hulk (Bruce Banner's cousin Jennifer, who had been transformed years ago when a blood transfusing from Bruce was the only thing that could save he from a gunshot wound) is going nuts, and Hulk gets dragged into the battle after trying to talk her down as Bruce Banner. The battling pair ends up essentially destroying the town of Bone, Idaho. The downside for Hulk? As usual, he winds up taking all the blame for it!


8. Hulk vs. Rhino and Abomination (Incredible Hulk v1 #171)

A story so awesome that it was made into a Power Record! Fans of a certain age (like mine) remember those tremendous book and record combos that narrated the story as you read along; the set "The Hulk: At Bay" was drawn from this issue. It featured the Jade Giant taking on not one, but two, familiar antagonists: Abomination and Rhino! One of the great things about seeing the Hulk against nearly-evenly-matched enemies is that he gets to really unload on them. And that's true here.


7. Hulk vs. The Ultimates /Hulk vs. The Chitauri Commander (The Ultimates series 1)

Though they fall outside of regular continuity, Hulk's two big clashes in the first Ultimates series should rank. In the first, the nascent Ultimates team does everything in their power to stop an unhinged Hulk from doing unspeakable things to Freddie Prinze Jr. Along the way, he breaks Giant-Man's jaw and manhandles the others; Dr. Banner, however, pays the real price as Captain America flattens him post-transformation. In the second, a "traumatized" Banner is forced to Hulk-out and is guided through battle against the alien invaders by an ingenious Cap. Hulk's biggest contribution? EATING the enemy leader.


6. Hulk vs. Red King (Incredible Hulk v2 #102)

The Hulk Who Would Be King finishes his insurrection with authority. After being exiled by The Illuminati, Hulk wound up on Sakarr; he became a gladiator and, realizing a prophecy, led a rebellion against the rulers of the world. The ultimate showdown to this series of running battles came when Hulk confronted his main opposition, the Red King. Hulk ascends to the throne and takes Caiera the Oldstrong as his Queen, but more heartbreak and devastation are just around the corner.


5. Hulk vs. Thing (Fantastic Four v1 #12)

There's a first time for everything, and this first time is pretty darn good. Establishing what would become an odd sort of tradition, The Hulk dukes it out with that other transformed powerhouse, The Thing. It's worthy to note here that, yes, many of the Hulk's most famous battles do seem to come against allies. I think part of that goes to the fact that we have less of an emotional stake watching Hulk stomp, say, Rhino, than in witnessing the lengths a fellow hero will go to in order to stop, or save, a rampaging Hulk.


4. Hulk vs. Iron Man (World War Hulk #1)

After a couple of years of coming off like a huge jerk thanks to Civil War and his choice to help send Hulk into deep space, Iron Man got the chance to begin his redemption here. How? By suffering a mammoth beating at the hands of the Hulk! Hulk and his Warbound followers have returned to Earth for some payback after the tragic end of "Planet Hulk" storyline. The Hulk blames many, Iron Man included, for his loss as well as his exile. Iron Man steps up in an attempt to stop the spree of destruction, only to get beat down big time.


3. Hulk vs. Hulk, er, Maestro (Hulk: Future Imperfect #1 and 2)

When the Hulk met Maestro, the smashing was very great. You see, Maestro is the Hulk of an alternate future where he's gone bad and lain waste to all of the other super-powered beings and installed himself as ruler. Two Hulks are better than one, especially if they're at odds with each other. Though they would later come into conflict in a plot that actually involved the mainstream storyline, the first throw-down is the best of most significant, thanks in no small part to the creative team of Peter David and George Perez.


2. Hulk vs. Thing II (Fantastic Four v1 #25-26)

Hulk/Thing Two: Uno Mas! This rumble in the urban jungle precipitated the first meeting between the FF and the Avengers. Everyone was on hand after Hulk and Thing battled their way through the city. Unlike the brief first affair, this one ranged around New York, causing mass chaos and destruction. It's also one of the few times that you see the George Washington Bridge used as any kind of restraining device. Hulk and Thing may have torn down the city, but indeed, Jack Kirby tore down the house.


1. Hulk vs. Everybody (Incredible Hulk v1 #300)

The Hulk's gone crazy, and everybody shows up to stop the big guy from tearing down New York. As Spider-Man and Daredevil scramble to save others, Hulk plows through S.H.I.E.L.D., Power Man & Iron Fist, the Human Torch, and the Avengers (including Thor!). That's a fight, kids. This one is especially notable because the only way that Hulk is even stopped is that Dr. Strange sends him off-world. Shades of stories to come, eh?


Not a bad list, but no Hulk #181 and #340? Them's two terrific fights between Wolverine and the Hulk, one featuring the hairy berserker's first appearance and the other an epic fight illustrated by Spawn creator Todd McFarlane.

And while I'm geeking out about past issues, I have to mention what I think is perhaps one of the greatest Hulk stories ever. Issue #335 was a breather issue and a step away from SHIELD, the Gamma Base, Betty Ross, Rick Jones and the rest of the usual characters. Done by Peter David and John Ridgway, this realistic/horror-style is utilized well with a tale pitting two monsters against each other. The writing is smart and witty, and the art is erie and beautiful.

The story of Adria Wagner and her stalker would have made for a good episode of the Bill Bixby “Incredible Hulk” television show. Adria is attacked by an ectoplasmic boogie man under her bed and is ultimately blinded by him before running out into the street and literally into the Hulk, which fills her with a sense of reassurance and salvation. The seedy Stalker tempts the Hulk to join him in his conquests of evil, but the Hulk declines, despite playfully contemplating the notion. It is the arrival of local law enforcement that prompts the Stalker to disappear into the night, the Hulk finding pardon for his menacing stature by sponsor of the grateful blinded girl. As this story reveals again, even the Mr. Fixit personality of the (at-the-time grey) Hulk has a set moral compass (thanks to Bruce’s intrinsic goodness) and he saves Adria. While in the hospital, Adria is visited by Bruce Banner (in disguise as the staff psychologist) to get more information about her attacker. The implication here is that the Hulk has allowed Bruce to remember the events of the night before in order to stop the villain.

The Stalker, we come to find out is a manifestation of local gas clerk, Gil Jeffers. He’s a disturbed young man who lives on a steady diet of junk food and slasher movies. His monster isn’t guided by any positive feelings toward his fellow humans and Jeffers’ anger toward people, especially women, directs its evil. When Gil Jeffers falls asleep watching one of the many mind-numbing horror films he's seen hundreds of nights before, the spirit of the Stalker emerges, "free at last!" With night falling, Bruce Banner too falls victim to his hidden monster, transforming in the yard from where he spies.

The Stalker compels the Hulk to join him once more, successfully luring him with promise to free himself of the shackles of his other, and become the controlling bond like he has with the Jeffers boy. A boy whose hatred and imbalance has given birth to this monstrosity that would harass the girl he was too shy to talk to. The Stalker leads Hulk to a bar where he angrily lords his murderous strength over the innocent patrons. The Stalker spirit entices and tantalizes the Hulk with the kill. Be it the man within the beast, or the Hulk himself, he refuses and turns on the Stalker.

Suffering a taste of his own medicine, the Stalker flees the bar, throwing a police officer from his patrol car as he realises he is unable to awaken his drunken host, Gil Jeffers. He flees desperately becoming the victim of this horror film, turning around streets only to find the grey visage of the Hulk waiting to crush his car, and the Stalker inside it! The killer flees on foot, reaching the home of Jeffers, but is still unable to shake him from his drunken slumber, forced to face the Hulk instead. The climax of the tale is a great juxtaposition of the "monster" label that the Hulk typically has put upon him, and a great read outside of the character continuity.

Distaste For Tequila

Celebrity for no reason and superwhore Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen Tila Tequila is too high on herself and supposed accomplishments. She was given her own MTV show with the purpose of showing she's totally indiscriminate in romping with boys or girls, and that was only because a bunch of losers added her as a Myspace friend. Myspace fame - can there be any less merit for being a celebrity? Now, America's Slutheart is taking credit for the ban on gay marriage being lifted.

"It is because of me — I definitely think [my show] has helped the movement. Before it came out, everyone was still a little apprehensive about [same sex relationships]," she said. "Then they realized, 'Wow, everyone is really into this stuff, and it is fine.' The next thing you know, [gay marriage] is legal."

As usual, Webster's nails that bitch:

Three things: First of all, the people who were "a little apprehensive" about same sex relationships in the dark ages before "A Shot at Fucking Love with Tila Tequila" are still apprehensive about same sex relationships -- and furthermore, those people probably don't watch your goddamn show anyway. Secondly, making out with other chicks in a hot tub on camera is not a "same sex relationship." Because guess what? Pornos have been essentially doing the same thing for years, and if that were the case than gay marriage would have been legalized decades ago. Thirdly? I hope you drop dead of a simultaneous herpes, chlamydia and gonorrhea outbreak and the crabs eat your eyeballs, you filthy, horrible slag. Fred Phelps could live to be 500 years old and I don't think he'll ever come up with anything as offensive to gay people as this.

My original idea for a show with her was "A Shot At Tila Tequila", where that elfin reject gets shot at, was rejected. I just don't understand why...so many people would watch that.

burn that guitar - it has been infected

The Art Of The Bad Hairstyle

Trump's disasterpiece, in just four easy steps!

1. Sweep thinning front section to the side to provide a band of cover above forehead.

2. The most important part: take the longest back section and propel it forward so that the combover lies at a 90 degree angle with the underlayer and gives the illusion of thickness.

3. Take a third section of hair from the top, roughly in line with the left ear, and sweep backwards at an angle to deal with the peripheral thinning area on top.

4. Comb hair directly above ear backwards, otherwise it will trail by the face, detracting from the rest of the couffure.

Flames-A-Plenty

Shot with 3 cameras over a period of 28 hours during September 28-29th 2005, "Firestorm" shows the time-lapse documentation of the Simi Valley fire which consumed 25,000 acres. Look for Mars, Orion & the Moon rising in the distance...and watch shit burn!

Crystal Quiet

A new technology may lead to completely soundproof homes, cars, or any other space using a meta-material called sonic crystals. One day, I may be able to build that home studio without complaint from the neighbors. Or my sex dungeon.

Developers say 200 layers of this material, formed by arrays of tiny cylinders, will shield an object from any noise, while thinner implementations will achieve insulation from certain frequencies. The mathematics behind cloaking has been known for several years, but what hasn't been available for sound is the sort of materials you need to build a cloak out of until now. The artificial composites be engineered to produce specific acoustical effects.

80 Blocks From Tiffany's

This 1979 documentary focused on gang culture in the South Bronx, specifically, the Savage Skulls and the Nomads. It features members with such colorful sobriquets as Fly, Comanche, and Crazy Joe — as well as Bob Werner, a member of the Youth Gangs Task Force that oversaw the area at that time. The film doesn’t spend a whole lot of time digging into just how violent these gangs were, but it does offer an interesting snapshot of New York at the time. Crime in the 70s was on a slow and steady upward climb as the city verged on the edge of bankruptcy and the increase in gang activity was one of the more direct results of an ever growing under class confined to the outer boroughs. Few perhaps realized how bad it would become in the 80s with the introduction of crack until its peak in the early 90s. Also, notable for the plethora of 70s pornstar moustaches on display.

(ectomo!)

Hulk Out

Due to the good fortune of Scartoe being an industry insider, I get to see The Incredible Hulk today before the theatrical release.

The Hulk is perhaps my favorite comic book character. When I was young, I watched the Bill Bixby / Lou Ferrigno show, played with my Mego Hulk figure, and even got a mask and Halloween costume. Eventually I got into reading the comics, and at the time they had really started throwing the character into some interesting changes, from a green skinned brute to a smart, grey behemoth (he was grey in the first issue and turned green) and eventually into a hybrid of Dr. Banner's smarts and the Hulk's strength (I think that being over seven feet tall, totally ripped and weighing half a ton would be kinda cool).

Needless to say, I was super excited when the first movie was being made...and then I saw it. Gamma dogs. Father issues. Fake looking CGI. Yeah, it was a let down. So when they started talking about doing a sequel / reboot (a la Batman Begins) I had mixed feelings. Gone was Ang Lee (who was a huge gamble that didn't work), Eric Bana's Hulk, and Jennifer Connelly's Betty Ross (yummy). Instead, we have Louis "The Transporter" Leterrier, Ed Norton, and Liv Tyler.

Let me say without giving the details away that this movie is a vast improvement on the first. It has a nod back to the television series with the "man on the run" plot and makes the conflict between the Hulk and Emil "Abomination" Blonsky fit in context of the relentless pursuit by General Ross and the army. Norton, Bill Hurt, and Tim Roth are all capable actors and each does their parts justice. Throw in cameos from Stan "the man" Lee, Ferrigno, and Robert "Iron Man" Downey Jr. and the film is a fun 100 minutes. It was entertaining and a possitive step for Marvel's new film division, which looks to make up for some of the last chapters in their franchise trilogies (yes, X-Men 3 and Spider-Man 3 - I'm talking about you).

Umacorm

A deer with a single horn in the center of its head — much like the fabled, mythical unicorn — has been spotted in a nature preserve in Italy, park officials said. So...who's going to be the first to shoot and mount it?

The 1-year-old Roe Deer — nicknamed "Unicorn" (how inventive) — was born in captivity in the research center's park in the Tuscan town of Prato, near Florence. He is believed to have been born with a genetic flaw; his twin has two horns. Yeah, that qualifies as a flaw. Calling it the first time they have seen such a case, officials said such anomalies among deer may have inspired the myth of the unicorn. Ya think?

"This shows that even in past times, there could have been animals with this anomaly...it's not like they dreamed it up." Single-horned deer are rare but not unheard of — but even more unusual is the central positioning of the horn, experts said. "Generally, the horn is on one side (of the head) rather than being at the center. This looks like a complex case," said the scientific director of Rome's zoo. He said the position of the horn could also be the result of a trauma early in the animal's life. Other mammals are believed to contribute to the myth of the unicorn, including the narwhal, a whale with a long, spiraling tusk.

What's a umacorm? Not the same as a umacef. See Bob Nelson's awesome set, including his All-American football team.

Hardercore

Adult film producer Max Hardcore was found guilty last week of 10 federal counts of distributing obscene materials over the Internet and through the mail. His company Max World Entertainment was also found guilty on 10 related charges.

"It's a sad day for all Americans when they smash any kind of free speech and that's what happened in Tampa today," Max Hardcore said. "They trampled on free speech, and I intend to appeal."

Hardcore, aka Max Steiner aka Paul Little faces up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine for each count of conviction, as well as forfeiture of his Internet domain names. Max World faces a separate $250,000 fine. The government had separately sought the forfeiture of Hardcore's home in Altadena, Calif., but the jury ruled against that penalty.

"I'm full of good spirits and they didn't get my house," Hardcore said. "We're talking to a couple of jurors and they felt very strongly for me, but the way the laws are formulated, they were boxed in to a corner. I should have got off for this nonsense; obscenity is an archaic term, it's not defined well. I received no warning and they attempted to put me behind bars; they've got a conviction, but we intend to fight on."

Jurors had asked U.S. District Judge Susan Bucklew for guidance as they had trouble reaching a unanimous decision. The jury foreman sent a note to Bucklew just after 3 p.m., asking: "If we make a decision on 10 of the 20 counts, but are unable to reach a decision on the other 10, will the 10 counts that we decide on stand?'' Bucklew said the jury's decision would count. The jurors responded in another note: "There are people on both sides of the issues, and we do not believe we'll be able to reach a unanimous decision. How long must we deliberate?'' The judge urged jurors to try again. "I'm not going to tell you how much time to deliberate, but I am going to ask you to deliberate again,'' she said.

The jury then asked Judge Bucklew for permission to take a break, because "emotions were running very high." Bucklew granted the break, asking attorneys to stay in the courthouse to give the jurors time to talk again. The jury returned its verdict at approximately 7 p.m after deliberating for a total of 14 hours in the past two days. After the jury returned its verdict, the judge dismissed the defense's motion to dismiss the case which had been held in reserve.

"It was a travesty but we had no choice because of the way the law is written," one juror said. Several jurors approached Max Hardcore and his attorneys to express their sympathy at having been forced to convict him on the counts due to the "poorly written" law regarding the transportation of obscene material via the internet and the mailing of the DVDs to the middle district of Florida. Another juror reportedly said that if two words in the law had been different, he would have held out for acquittal.

Attorney Jeffrey Douglas echoed Max's sentiments. "As I said in closing argument, I believe that this prosecution was shameful," Douglas told AVN. "And as Max Hardcore said, this is a sad day for America. It's a deeply sad day for him personally, but also for all of us." Max Hardcore will be sentenced September 5. He is free on bail until that date.

It really is a shame, whether you enjoy videos of men urinating in a woman's speculum-spread anus and then making the women drink it out with plastic tubing or not. I spoke to and took a picture with the man at the Erotic-LA years ago, which was surreal but pleasant. Adult content, adult consent, adult choices.

the good 'ol days

Japanimation Primer

This is why 98% of all manga and anime suck - shit just like this.

at least Adult Swim knows it and has a sense of humor