You're Fired!

Great timing, Dean.

Kings General Manager Dean Lombardi fired coach Marc Crawford after the team finished with the fewest points in the Western Conference this season and tied for last place league-wide last year. Not only are my season tickets up for renewal in two days, but former San Jose Sharks coach Ron Wilson just got hired by Toronto. For those without a hockey background, Lombardi was the former San Jose GM, and it would have followed Lombardi's pattern of taking Sharks and suiting them up in Kings sweaters. Wilson, while recently fired, was done so for not advancing the Sharks far enough in the playoffs in too many consecutive seasons. Not as bad a problem to have as we have...

Crawford spent two seasons with the team and had a year left on his contract, coaching the Kings to a 59-84-21 record.

Kings president and general manager Dean Lombardi said the team appreciated Crawford’s commitment. “However, we believe that in evaluating where we are at and, more importantly, where we are going as an organization, we feel this coaching change was the right decision to make,” he said. "In the end it just comes down to fit...it's just a gut call on fit."

Lombardi revealed in postseason meetings he and Kings owners have decided to get younger rather than try to create an immediate cup contender, and Crawford wasn't the coach to do it. "It's clear they're committed to building a young core. We have the illusion of being young because our better players are young, but on the back end, there's a transition that needs to come until we are in fact a young team."

Lombardi said he never seriously considered firing Crawford during the season as was speculated, and that the decision was still not made in the immediate aftermath of the season. The only potential candidate Lombardi named for the job was Kings assistant Mike Johnston (uh, who?), who also worked under Crawford in Vancouver. "I think I want to talk to Mike Johnston about the possibility of being considered for this role, once he's had some time to reflect."

Well, there's also still John Tortorella (Tampa Bay), Joel Quenneville (Colorado), John Paddock (Ottawa), Jim Playfair (Calgary), and a few other jobless saps who's names don't start with "J" out there...

In other Kings news, former captain and unceremoniously traded defenseman Mattias Norstrom is retiring. Yes, that's why I read Aftonbladet, the Swedish tabloid. Norstrom said he now intends to focus on his family and get an ordinary job. “I studied building techniques in high school, so carpentry is a possible alternative, but let’s see. I will think about it during the summer,” he said. Starting his career with Swedish clubs Mora and AIK Stockholm, he later played for the New York Rangers and the Kings before joining the Dallas Stars last year. He also played for Sweden in several world championships as well as in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City.

I'm a little sad that Matty is going to stop playing the blue line and likely taking the blue line to work. A guy like that shouldn't be framing doors.

Country-Ass

Yes, let's get out.

so...which is really his speech pattern?

Mooguitar

Bob Moog's synthesizers and effects were revolutionary, and now his company has designes on the guitar world.

The Moog Guitar Paul Vo Edition has infinite sustain and a bunch of other supercool features that make this a must have for serious musicians. The secret? The strings that have "a specific metallurgy designed to work with the Moog pickups". Hmmm, not too clear on what that means...but soon everybody may be able to sound like Robert Fripp or Adrian Belew.

There are several modes on the guitar to give the player a wide variety of tonal options:

FULL SUSTAIN MODE - like no other sustainer; infinite sustain on every string, at every fret position and at any volume. You may have heard sustain before but not with this power (we call it "Vo Power") and clarity.

CONTROLLED SUSTAIN MODE - allows you to play sustained single or polyphonic lines without muting technique. The Moog Guitar sustains the notes you are playing while actively muting the strings you are not playing.

MUTE MODE - removes energy from the strings, resulting in a variety of staccato articulations. The mute mode has never been heard on any other guitar; the Vo Power stops the strings with the same intensity that it sustains them. You feel the instrument transform in your hands.

HARMONIC BLENDS – use the included foot pedal to shift the positive energy of Vo Power in Sustain mode and the subtractive force of Vo Power in Mute mode between the bridge and neck pick-ups to pull both subtle and dramatic harmonics from the strings.

MOOG FILTER - control the frequency of the built-in, resonant Moog ladder filter using the foot pedal or a CV Input.

The guitars are not yet in production, but are scheduled to ship in September. Have $7000 handy for one.

Silicon Valley North

The faithful praise the announcement of the second coming...of Jesus the iPhone!

Basically here's the key points and features of the 3G iPhone:

Charcoal back , solid metal buttons, and a 3.5" display (that hasn't changed). Yes, there's a camera and a flush headphone jack, and the audio has been "dramatically improved". Loading a webpage, 3G took 21 seconds versus the Nokia N95 (33 seconds) or Treo 750 (34 seconds).

Battery life? 10 hours 2G talk time, 5 hours 3G talk time, 5-6 hours of high-speed browsing, or 24 hours of audio playback. I don't even know what 2G vs. 3G talk is, but it must be good. And there's GPS. And it's coming to 70 countries over the "next several months" (many of which are still just getting the release of iPhone v1).

The biggest slap in the face to last year's rush consumers is this model is more affordable. Like $199 for 8GB or $299 for 16GB (which also comes in white, because money gives you choices). But don't get too excited yet...the 3G iPhone doesn't release until July 11th even though their 2Q go up now!

What, you like reading? Fine...here's the official press release.

Apple Introduces the New iPhone 3G - Twice as Fast at Half the Price

Apple today introduced the new iPhone(TM) 3G, combining all the revolutionary features of iPhone with 3G networking that is twice as fast* as the first generation iPhone, built-in GPS for expanded location based mobile services, and iPhone 2.0 software which includes support for Microsoft Exchange ActiveSync and runs the hundreds of third party applications already built with the recently released iPhone SDK. In the US the new iPhone 3G is priced at a stunning $199 for the 8GB model, and just $299 for the 16GB model.** iPhone 3G will be available in more than 70 countries later this year, beginning with customer availability in 22 countries — Australia, Austria, Belgium, Canada, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Hong Kong, Ireland, Italy, Japan, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, UK and the US — on July 11.

"Just one year after launching the iPhone, we're launching the new iPhone 3G that is twice as fast at half the price," said Steve Jobs, Apple's CEO. "iPhone 3G supports Microsoft Exchange ActiveSync right out of the box, runs the incredible third party apps created with the iPhone SDK, and will be available in more than 70 countries around the world this year."

iPhone 3G gives users ever faster access to the Internet and email over their cellular network with quad-band GSM and tri-band HSDPA for voice and data connectivity around the world. iPhone 3G supports Wi-Fi, 3G and EDGE networks and automatically switches between them to ensure the fastest possible download speeds. The new iPhone 3G also makes it easier to multi-task with simultaneous voice and data communications, so with iPhone 3G you can browse the web, get map directions, or check your email while you are on a call.

iPhone 3G includes the new iPhone 2.0 software with both the iPhone SDK and key enterprise features such as support for Microsoft Exchange ActiveSync to provide over-the-air push email, contact and calendar syncing as well as remote wipe and Cisco IPsec VPN for encrypted access to corporate networks. The iPhone SDK allows developers to create amazing applications that leverage the iPhone's groundbreaking Multi-Touch(TM) user interface, animation technology, accelerometer and GPS technology on the world's most advanced mobile platform.

iPhone 3G includes the new App Store, providing iPhone users with native applications in a variety of categories including games, business, news, sports, health, reference and travel. The App Store on iPhone works over cellular networks and Wi-Fi, which means it is accessible from just about anywhere, so you can purchase and download applications wirelessly and start using them instantly. Some applications are even free and the App Store notifies you when application updates are available. The App Store will be available in 62 countries at launch.

Additional features available with the iPhone 2.0 software include the ability to do real-time mapping and track your progress with GPS technology, mass move and delete multiple email messages, search for contacts, access a new scientific calculator, turn on parental control restrictions for specified content, save images directly from a web page or email them to your iPhone and easily transfer them back to your photo library on your Mac(R) or PC. iPhone 3G delivers an amazing 10 hours of talk time on 2G networks and 5 hours using 3G, with up to 5 to 6 hours of web browsing, up to 7 hours for video playback and up to 24 hours for audio playback.

iPhone 3G takes advantage of MobileMe(TM), a new Internet service that pushes email, contacts, and calendars from an online "cloud" to native applications on iPhone, iPod(R) touch, Macs and PCs. With MobileMe email, messages are pushed instantly to iPhone, removing the need to manually check email and wait for downloads, and push keeps contacts and calendars continuously up-to-date so changes made on one device are automatically updated on other devices. With iPhone, you can even snap a photo and post it directly to a MobileMe Gallery to share with friends and family. iPhone 3G will be available in the US on July 11 for a suggested retail price of $199 (US) for the 8GB model and $299 (US) for the 16GB model in both Apple and AT&T's retail stores and requires a new two year contract with AT&T for qualifying customers. iPhone 2.0 software will be available on July 11 as a free software update via iTunes(R) 7.7 or later for all iPhone customers. For further information about iPhone 3G pricing and availability in the US and internationally, visit http://www.apple.com/iphone.

* Based on 3G and EDGE testing. Actual speeds vary by site conditions.

** Based on iPhone 3G (8GB) and first generation iPhone (8GB) purchases. Requires new two year AT&T rate plan, sold separately.

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. Today, Apple continues to lead the industry in innovation with its award-winning computers, OS X operating system and iLife and professional applications. Apple is also spearheading the digital media revolution with its iPod portable music and video players and iTunes online store, and has entered the mobile phone market with its revolutionary iPhone.

For additional information visit Apple's PR website (http://www.apple.com/pr/) or call Apple's Media Helpline at (408) 974-2042.

Monster vs. Monster

I can't tell which is Yancy Butler and which is Gollum. One precious Witchblade to rule them all?

before evil corrupted them...strangely similar then too

Silicon Valley South

The stars were also out this weekend for another type of event altogether - the anal annual Erotic LA convention!

It's been a while since I went, but once you've seen one giant wall of dildonics and ass toys, you've seen them all...at least for a while. Even though I didn't go this year here's some happy whores mugging for the camera.

UPDATE: Some magazine called Genesis came up with the 100 hottest women in pron, so I figured it would be fitting to include.

"We look at a ton of factors in ranking these top stars in the porn world. Whether it’s the amount of a girl’s name recognition, her looks, the heat of her scenes, her accomplishments in and out of hardcore, the number and quality of movies she’s made, or even something as simple as what she does and doesn’t do on camera, all of this gets put into our little system and then we spit out her spot on “Porn’s Hot 100.” It’s not a science by any means, but rather the opinion of our staff and some select industry insiders. We know not everyone will agree with our picks, but that’s what makes this country great, and what makes porn great is that we get to watch all of these girls having sex, and that’s the best part of it all!"

And for you filthy pervs who want to see the top 10 in a very NSFW way, cheers...

Another One For The List

Jessica Alba joined the ranks of Hollywood mommies over the weekend, and as was expected, gave her daughter a stupid name.

Honor Marie must have been named by her father, Cash. Yes, we all knew it took cash to land a sexy actress, but this douchenozzle? At least he made her an honest woman and married her a few weeks ago, because the eighth month of pregnancy is really when you need to decide if that relationship is worth staying in.

Here's a list of other potential names for her daughter, which lost out to Honor Marie:

Roberta Henrietta Warren
Hot Lips Hoolahan Warren
Honor Obey Warren
Rumer Talulah Scout Warren
Buffett Warren
Honor Connor Warren
Lovechild Unplanned Warren
Britney Lindsay Warren
Peace Warren
Klemptor Ggryllax Warren

Goddamn stupid celebrities.

Land Of The Lost Episodes

Last night Scarlett brought me to the TV Land Awards as her arm candy.

It was a strange and fun experience, and I was surprised at the size of the show. The ceremony was held in the Barker hangar at Santa Monica Airport, which was totally decked out with elaborate lighting rigs, chandeliers, and giant fabric curtains, and filled with tables for the ceremony. The last time I was at a televised awards show was years ago when Wolfgang Puck catered the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, and working behind the scenes is a lot different from being an attendee.

We walked the red carpet to get in, but I doubt you'll see us, because of the nifty partition they have for stars to go in front of and peons to go behind. But just in case, look around the time Kathy Griffin is getting interviewed. Or in the background of the photo line for the members of The Office.

Our table was off center to the left behind an aisle separating the celebrity seeded front of the auditorium and the industry types. Since Scarlett is in the biz, she had lots of contacts, clients, and co-workers to introduce me to and point out. I think that the entertainment suits certainly outnumbered the talent, but there was still an impressive grouping of names there.

The awards were declaring people and shows "icons" or "legends" or "innovators", and the pedigree was far reaching. For Garry Marshall's award, they had Dick Van Dyke, Henry Winkler, Jack Klugman, Penny Marshall, and Cindy Williams. Jonathan Winters was presented an award by Robin Williams, and Ed Asner and Bill Shatner stumbled through a presentation. The cast of Roseanne was there (John Goodman is massive up close), as was much of the cast of The Golden Girls (Estelle Getty was absent). Samuel L. Jackson, Mike Myers, Justin Timberlake were also on stage, plus Lionel Richie got an award and performed. Shit yeah he did "Hello", "Easy", and "All Night Long"!

The opening sequence had hostess Vanessa Williams singing and hoisted about the crowd. Several past prime celebs were also flown above: J.J. Walker, Greg and Cindy Brady, The Greatest American Hero, The Love Boat's Doc, and even Gary Coleman. We were in the flight path on the left side, and I behaved well enough to not look up Vanessa William's dress when she went by. See mom, and I can be taken out of the house.

Unlike other shows filmed for later air dates, there was no second takes, and that helped move the show along. The only downside was that the food was served prior to the guest arriving, so everything was cold. Thankfully there was an open bar, because the next option was the after party at Casa Del Mar. We got out to the valet ahead of most, so we were able to have first crack at a table at the party and gorge on the food, which was not bad. Even a few celebs came to rub elbows with us, like both the Roseanne Beckys, and Dunder Mifflin's Oscar and Creed. Sadly, Jenna Fischer did not come to the ceremony, because I had permission to get me some. John Krasinski didn't show either, so it was a wash for Scarlett as well.

Jenna, as I expected to see her in TV Land Famous M Land

Chapter Two

Oh snap, yo!

Scartoe hath brought it, big time. The second part of His Words - Not Mine is up, as promised on Monday mornings. Now I have 168 hours of fear ahead of me to deliver the goods. If you're not yet hip to our future classic, now's the perfect time to get onboard.

The Most Brutal Way To Start The Weekend

I am incredibly thrilled to be seeing the world's most brutal band live to kick off the weekend. Hopefully Rybot and I will not end up casualties like so many fans do at their performances. I haven't been asked to sign a pain waiver yet, so there's still hope that it won't be super-dangerous.

UPDATE: Oh. My. God. What a mindblowing show.

Rybot and I missed the opening act by the time we got there, which was fine, since a lot of death metal is is the same. Second act Chimiara proved that. While they were not bad, they were typical of what the genre has to offer: indistinguishable lyrics, grinding guitars, blast beasts, and hair whipping around. Their sound was kinda muddy, but they had a kick ass light show - that guy was on it. Again, it bad, but certainly not the reason we were there.

After running into some guys from high school who had a terrific death metal band (and who were totally torn up), we ended up in the middle GA section. The floor space below was filled with early comers who had a wristband for access, but we had a fairly clear line of sight from where we stood on the cordoned off aisle on the left side. The staff had stopped letting people into our area too, which was nice, but that wouldn't hold for too long.

The lights went out, and there was a video that set up the premise of the concert - a plan to infect all the Dethklok fans with a virus that would mutate them (not much but) enough to keep them from spending money, effectively crippling the band. It would have worked too, because every time we saw the merch table there was a line across the whole foyer with at least 50 people. When Dethklok came on, the place went nuts.

Suddenly, the upper GA surged and came charging into our space, trying to get to the stage as the opening notes played. It was chaos, and the security staff couldn't contain the crush. The extra bodies found space to occupy and the rest of the show had little trouble with the crowd, allowing everybody to focus on the music instead of clawing for survival.

Seeing Dethklok perform was a nerd treat of epic proportion. Brendon Small, singer / guitarist / creator is also a Berklee College of Music grad, and he assembled hardcore musicians to play with him - legendary death metal drummer Gene Hoglan, and Frank Zappa alumni Mike Keneally and Bryan Beller. It's hard to remember a show where the skill level and musicianship was as high as this, and pulled it off so successfully. With such a technical degree of songcraft, it was great to see them pull it off, and they made it look effortless. The accompanying video was great, from the interstitial skits to the "performances". They added more original material and synced it flawlessly. It was just amazing, from start to finish.

It's strange that it was really a debut for Dethklok, but the response was closer to Metalocalypse, where they are an established group bigger than the Beatles. While there were the usual assortment of meatheads and heshers in the crowd, I would absolutely see them play again and try to convince as many people to see what an impressive production they put on.

Deththeme / Briefcase Full Of Guts / Birthday Dethday



Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle / Dethharmonic



Murmaider / Thunderhorse



Go Into The Water

Shitty Commute

Fred lost his enthusiasm for work after the office relocated 30 miles from his village.

Seven Deadly Glasses

For designer Kacper Hamilton, drinking is a sin.

Greed, and six others here.

Later, Slater

In Hollywood relationship news, Karina Smirnoff and Mario Lopez have announced that they are no longer dating. This revalation follows the shocking news that Karina Smirnoff and Mario Lopez used to go out.

Her people said, “The relationship wasn’t heading in the right direction," while his handlers added, “Karina and I have the utmost respect for each other. She is a phenomenal and talented woman. I support her always and feel blessed to have her in my life.”

The two met on "Dancing With The Stars" and were partnered together. They finished second. But really, how can you call A.C. Slater number two with these moves?

Apologies if that turned anybody gay.

Go Ahead...Shut Your Face

To me, Clint Eastwood is hard to pin down.

Sure, he'll drift into town and have a quick draw duel at high noon, but he'll bring an orangutan with him and then become mayor. Or he'll pop out his .44 Magnum but paralyze a female boxer. And with his latest kick on WWII, Spike Lee is not a fan.

Let's just start by saying I think Spike Lee is a (reverse) racist idiot who thinks he's God's gift to cinema. I deliberately avoid his films because he's a hypocrite and a pompous jerk - he even tried to sue Spike TV for stealing the name Spike, even though Spike isn’t Spike Lee’s real name. Anybody who has the audacity to criticize filmmakers who are clearly better than him has no credibility, and it's pretty clear that he's just bitter because he peaked 20 years ago and has been irrelevant ever since.

Now, Lee cries foul that Eastwood is keeping the black man down, obviously trying to drum up interest in his own WWII film Miracle At St. Anna. Speaking about the casting for his tale of four black American soldiers in Tuscany, Lee said that black actors appear in war films too infrequently.

"Clint Eastwood made two films about Iwo Jima that ran for more than four hours total, and there was not one Negro actor on the screen," he said. "If you reporters had any balls you'd ask him why. There's no way I know why he did that -- that was his vision, not mine. But I know it was pointed out to him and that he could have changed it. It's not like he didn't know."

Well, Clint doesn't take shit from anybody, least of all Mars Blackman.

"Has he ever studied the history?" As for Flags of Our Fathers, he says, yes, there was a small detachment of black troops on Iwo Jima as a part of a munitions company, "but they didn't raise the flag. The story is Flags of Our Fathers, the famous flag-raising picture, and they didn't do that. If I go ahead and put an African-American actor in there, people'd go, 'This guy's lost his mind.' I mean, it's not accurate."

And it wasn't the first time Eastwood's taken crap from Spike Lee.

"He was complaining when I did Bird [the 1988 biopic of Charlie Parker]. 'Why would a white guy be doing that?' I was the only guy who made it, that's why. He could have gone ahead and made it. Instead he was making something else."

Regading Eastwood's next picture Changeling, which is set in Los Angeles during the Depression, before the city's make-up was changed by the large black influx, he says:

"What are you going to do, you gonna tell a fuckin' story about that?" he growls. "Make it look like a commercial for an equal opportunity player? I'm not in that game. I'm playing it the way I read it historically, and that's the way it is. When I do a picture and it's 90% black, like Bird, I use 90% black people. A guy like him should shut his face."

I don't care that he almost signed the Declaration of Independence, I still wouldn't mess with Clint. He's a tough old bastard. Suck it, Spike.

Ectoplasmosis

For Scartoe and other Lovecraftian affectionados, Ectoplasmosis is a site with a mix of the strange, obscure, and underground - all with the touch of an Ancient One's tentacle. There's Moustache Mondays, Cthuhlu Cthursadays, Saturday morning cartoons, alternative artistry, steampunk gadgets and apparel, music, and just plain ol' weird shit. It's as close to fringe living as you want to get without crossing the threshold.

Do Some H

Just when dudes who go to clubs couldn't be any dumber.

ABC news is running a story that some guys at NYC clubs allegedly rub Preparation H on their torsos to temporarily shrink fat deposits and look buff, which is an old competitive body-building trick. Preparation H contains a medication called phenylephrine HCL that -- when used for the drug's intended purpose -- will shrink the swollen tissues of hemorrhoids. It works by constricting the nearby blood vessels that feed blood and fluid to the area and doesn't discriminate what kind of tissue it will shrink.

I have a hard time believing that these tools are actually rubbing ass cream on themselves, but if you've ever seen the type of guys that go clubbing, you can't entirely discount it.

Amateur Stuntman

I'm planning my afterlife vacation in the Lake Of Fire region of hell, so it doesn't bother me to show you the news report from Hartford about a 78 year old pedestrian involved in a hit and run. The city surveillance camera captures the event, but the outcry is over the apparent lack of response to the injured man from passers-by.

Here's the bottom line: the guy was jaywalking across traffic and got clipped stuntman style, and jaywalking equals pedestrian fault. Sorry, but that's how it works. You go into traffic, that's what you get. Dumbass.

Hot Tranny Mess

The Pussycat Dolls Dudes are making a new video!

Sunshine

Debating if Linkin Park did an homage or basically ripped off the premise (since most people wouldn't know anyway) is unimportant. It just gives an opportunity to bring up Sunshine, which is one of the best films of last year.

It is one of those films that not only looks amazing but also has a haunting and beautiful soundtrack that meshes perfectly. Rent it, buy it, just make sure you watch it.

Manquake

Did you know some human actions can trigger quakes? No Sharon Stone, not mistreatment of the Dali Lama. Here's some of the ways:
Build a Dam

Water is heavier than air, so when the valley behind a dam is filled, the crust underneath the water experiences a massive change in stress load. For example, the Hoover Dam area experienced hundreds of quakes as Lake Mead filled. Seismologist Larry Gedney explained, "Since [the dam] reached its peak of 475 feet in 1939, the level of seismicity has fluctuated in direct response to water level. None of the shocks has been particularly damaging -- the largest was about magnitude 5 -- but the area had no record of being seismically active." Other examples of dam-caused quakes abound and research indicates that about one-third of human-caused earthquakes came from reservoir construction. This science has raised fears that the recent earthquake in China was caused by the filling of the Three Gorges Dam reservoir, although no conclusive evidence has been presented.

Inject Liquid Into the Ground

In 1961, the Army decided that the best way to dispose of toxic waste from napalm production (among other things) was to drill a 12,000-foot-deep well in the Rocky Mountains and inject the bad stuff down it into the crust of the Earth. From 1962 to 1966, the Army deposited 165 million gallons of toxic waste into this hole in the Earth. Unfortunately, the injections probably triggered earthquakes in the region, and the Army shut the operation down. As seismologist Dave Wolny explained, "If you are doing deep well injection, you are altering the stress on the underlying rocks and at some point, the stress will be relieved by generating an earthquake." There is fear that carbon dioxide sequestration, in which compressed CO2 captured from coal plants would be injected into underground deposits, could generate earthquakes too, and worse they'll be near heavily populated regions.

Mine a Lot of Coal

Coal provides more than half the electricity in the United States and an even greater percentage in China. That means there are a lot of coal mines working overtime to pull the fossilized fuel out of the Earth. In total, miners pulled 6,195 million metric tons of coal out of the Earth in 2006 alone. And coal mines often have to pump water out along with the coal, sometimes extracting dozens of times as much water as coal. Add it up and you have a huge change in the mass of a region, and huge mass changes refigure the earthquake stresses of an area, sometimes increasing the chance of an earthquake and other times lowering it. Studies suggest that more than 50% of the human-triggered earthquakes recorded came from mining operations.

Drill a Gusher Dry

Three of the largest human-caused quakes occurred near a natural-gas field in Uzbekistan, the Gazli. The combination of liquid extraction and injection changed the tectonic action in the field. The biggest of the trio registered as a 7.3. According to a major analysis by Russian scientists, "Few will deny that there is a relationship between hydrocarbon recovery and seismic activity, but exactly how strong a relationship exists has yet to be determined." They caution that in regions where tectonic activity is already high, extracting oil and natural gas could trigger strong quakes.

Create the World's Biggest Building

Back in 2005, a geologist claimed that the world's then-tallest building, the Taipei 101, which weighs in at more than 700,000 metric tons, was triggering earthquakes in a long-dormant fault in Taiwan. It's doubtful that the building actually did so, but its not outside the realm of possibility for a building to create an earthquake. The weight of the building, however, would have to be much greater than the Taipei 101's, and even much larger than the Burj Dubai, currently still under construction but already the world's tallest building.

Used Goods

The bride said she was a virgin. When her new husband discovered that was a lie, he went to court to annul the marriage — and a French judge agreed, stunning the country and raising concerns the country's much-cherished secular values are losing ground to cultural traditions from its fast-growing immigrant communities. Yes, we're talking to you Muslims.

In its ruling, the court concluded the woman had misrepresented herself as a virgin and that, in this particular marriage, virginity was a prerequisite. But in treating the case as a breach of contract, the ruling was decried by critics who said it undermined decades of progress in women's rights. Marriage, they said, was reduced to the status of a commercial transaction in which women could be discarded by husbands claiming to have discovered hidden defects in them. Well, duh!

The issue is particularly distressing for France because the government has fought to maintain strong secular traditions as demographics change. An estimated 5 million Muslims live in the country of 64 million, the largest Muslim population in Western Europe. France passed a law in 2004 banning Muslim headscarves and other ostentatious religious signs from classrooms, a move that caused an uproar in the Muslim world. Now, critics contend another law on the books is being used to effectively condone the custom requiring a woman to enter marriage as a virgin, and prove it with bloodstained sheets on her wedding night. If you put it like that, it sounds like no fun.

Article 180 of the Civil Code states that when a couple enters into a marriage, if the "essential qualities" of a spouse are misrepresented, then "the other spouse can seek the nullity of the marriage." Past examples of marriages that were annulled include a husband found to be impotent and a wife who was a prostitute. Ironically, Article 180 also guards against forced marriages.

The lawyer for the bridegroom in question, says it was not the young woman's virginity that was at issue. "The question is not one of virginity. The question is one of lying."

Interestingly, in the ruling, there is no word "Muslim" there is no word "religion", there is no word "custom". And if one speaks of virginity it is with the term '"a lie". I wonder how they even know what they were talking about. Both the man and the woman "understand that annulling the marriage is preferable to divorce because it wipes the slate clean (of) what you want to forget, but divorce wipes away nothing."

Although divorced Muslim women are allowed to remarry, they are expected to be forthcoming with their new husband about the previous marriage, and divorce can carry a cultural stigma for women. Indeed, the court ruling states that the woman "acquiesced" to the demand for an annulment "based on a lie concerning her virginity". One can deduce that this quality (virginity) was seen by her as an essential quality that was decisive in the man's decision to marry.

The decision underscored the painful predicament faced today by many Muslim women in France and elsewhere in the West who become sexually emancipated but remain bound by strict codes of honor inherited and enforced by their families — and prospective husbands. It is not unusual for young Muslim women to procure fake virginity certificates, use tricks like vials of spilled blood on the wedding night or even undergo hymen repair to satisfy family expectations, and evade the shame that would follow if their secret got out.

I'm for women's rights, but if you're being married under the archaic standards of a violent religion, those terms are what matter. His marriage was contingent upon that one fact, which having been revealed first would have prevented the whole mess. It may be simplifying things, but it really is that simple.

Where's His Bubble?

A New York woman is suing American Airlines, saying it endangered her severely allergic 4-year-old son by serving peanuts on their flight. You're endangering my sanity.

Tehmina Haque says in her lawsuit that airline workers assured her several times that peanuts would not be served...but flight attendants did so anyway during the April 18 flight from New York to Los Angeles. An American Airlines spokesman declined to comment specifically on the lawsuit and says the company's peanut policy is posted on its Web site. Yes, let the interweb the the talking!

The policy says the airline serves some foods that could contain peanut ingredients, and might have passengers who bring peanuts on board. It therefore strongly urges allergic customers "to take all necessary medical precautions to prepare for the possibility of exposure." Translation: if your kid is so sensitive to peanuts that having them physically in the vicinity is a threat, the Mayo Clinic ought to be chartering a special flight for you. The kid didn't get his mother's peanut tolerance, let's hope he didn't inherit her stupidity.

Classical Music, The Ride

Jugglicious

(thx Captain Bad Ass)

Look Who's Porking

So...how's that coming along, your diet food business?

The only woman to be sexually gratified by a corndog (don't even ask), Kirstie Street Alley has become a ringer for the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock. Still waiting for an answer...

I'm sure Scientology can make drug users quit (like they claim), but until they can keep fat pigs from gorging at the trough I'm gonna be a little skeptical.

Pure, Refined Hate

Hate By Numbers by Wayne Gladstone nails it.

7 Reasons Kid Rock's New Song Might Be The Worst Ever

4 Reasons You're Going To Hate The New Mike Myers Movie

Confederacy Of Dunces

Florida, how do you manage to keep topping yourself?

There's a 139-foot flagpole is ready to fly the stars and bars over one of the busiest highway interchanges in the state. Them stars and bars being the Confederate flag. The Sons of Confederate Veterans in Tampa plan soon to raise what they claim is the world's largest Confederate flag on a private triangle of land tucked near where Interstates 75 and 4 meet. The flag measures 50 feet by 30 feet.

John Adams (awesome coincidence), commander (you're shitting me) of the organization's Florida division, spearheaded the flag project, which includes plans for an accompanying memorial park. And he wants to make sure that the only objections the group faces are based on opinion, not the law.

"You're going to hear some complaints about it for sure," Adams said. "But it's a free country as far as I know." But not entirely an intelligent one.

To some, particularly across many Southern states, the rebel flag represents a rich heritage that includes fighting and dying for the Confederate cause during the Civil War. To others, the flag represents dark memories attached to slavery and racial inequality. The local NAACP in Hillsborough County, hopes that a groundswell of opposition to raising the flag might convince the Sons of Confederate Veterans to reconsider. But that's an unlikely scenario. Nearly a decade ago, the 220 members in the group launched a project called "Flags Across Florida" in response to a decision by state officials to remove the Confederate flag from a place of prominence near the state capitol in Tallahassee.

"Our members decided the trend is going to be that there's a major outlash (is that even a word?) against these being flown on public property, all we need to do is buy our own property and put them up there," Adams said.

The flag will be the group's third in the state, but will be not only the largest, but will also fly square in the middle of one of the most highly-trafficked intersections in the state. An estimated 124,000 cars pass by the highway ever day. The two Interstates link the Tampa Bay area to Orlando to the northeast and Miami to the south. The pole, which will be anchored by a 100,000-pound concrete base, is the tallest the Federal Aviation Administration would allow in that spot. The 1,500-square-foot flag was ordered from a Chinese company after an American flagmaker begged off, citing union objections to making the flag. It will be illuminated by spotlights at night. No word if bucktoothed hillbillies will stand at it's base and guard it.

Adams said the project, which will cost an estimated $80,000, has been going through approvals with the Hillsborough County government for more than two years. Wow, that's a lot of crystal meth them boys had to sling. The park that accompanies the flag will feature landscaping and parking as well as plaques detailing the state's historical contributions to the Confederacy. One will even pay tribute to the small group of black soldiers who fought on the Confederacy's behalf, Adams said, just to make sure they didn't look totally racist.

Throughout the permitting process, Adams admits he never revealed to officials that it was the Confederate flag he intended to fly atop the pole. He had no reason to, he said. "The flag is political speech so it's not like they can do anything about it," he said. "You cannot simply discriminate because the message is one you don't like." To Adams and members of his organization, the soldiers who fought and died for the Confederacy deserve the same historical deference as those who died fighting for the Union cause. They are veterans who fought for what they believed was right for the country, he said.

Motorists in nine states can pay for a license plate bearing the logo of the Sons of Confederate Veterans — a design that incorporates the Stars and Bars. A similar proposal in Florida, however, so far has been unsuccessful. Still, the Sunshine State is one of just two states to celebrate the birthday of Confederate president Jefferson Davis, a state holiday that is held today June 3. Adams said the group will honor the holiday by previewing the flag, but don't expect any "ol' fashioned nigger lynchings".

Kevin White, the ironically named sole black member of the Hillsborough County Commission, who oversees the area where the flag will fly said that he is "saddened and frustrated" by group's effort, but unsure if there is anything that can be done. "It appears that if all of the permitting is legal, there isn't anything we're able to do except show a loud, vocal opposition and maybe bring some sense to people. The symbolism of what it stands for totally brings a negative connotation to the community as a whole."

White fears that drivers who might have planned a stop in Hillsborough County will drive right through when they see the massive flag. "They might have stopped for lodging or to get something to eat," White said. "Now they'll say, 'Maybe I'll just keep driving and get out of this county altogether.'" Goddamned right! Confederate flags, burning crosses, and swastikas aren't the welcome mat some people think they are.

And DXM had all the right things to say:

Gotta love Florida.

Am I the only one who thinks that maybe if the deep South had simply been allowed to successfully secede from the Union, we might be in much better shape these days? What the hell would we have lost: Alabama? Mississippi? Miami? NASCAR? Jesus? Insane apocalyptic ramblings? State and federal laws based on 2,000 year old superstition? Incest? Billy Ray Cyrus?

Does that really sound so bad?

If "Dixie" had gone its own way, within a hundred years the place probably would've looked a lot like the country depicted in Idiocracy.

By the way, do yourself a favor and read the indignant comments from the story above, and be impressed by the rise of internet access in America's trailer parks.

Here's the only two good uses of that flag: on muscles cars and bitches.

Jimmy Page vs George Takai

I don't now if it's much of a versus, since they're now clearly the same person. "Stairway To Heroes"?

Race: Out

America is not ready for a woman president, but will it settle for a black man?

The Democratic clusterfuck known as the candidate campaign seems to have drawn to a close, as today's primaries are expected to give Barack Obama the necessary delegates to clinch the party's presidential nomination.

Hillary Clinton will acknowledge that Obama has secured the necessary delegates to be the nominee, but will stop short of formally suspending or ending her race in her upcoming speech. She will pledge to continue to speak out on issues like health care. But for all intents and purposes, two senior officials said, the campaign is over. The advisers said Clinton has made a strategic decision to not formally end her campaign, giving her leverage to negotiate with Obama on various matters including a possible vice presidential nomination for her, although let's be honest, she won't take that spot even in the equally unlikely chance it is offered to her. It would undermine the whole drive of her campaign saying she was content being number two, as well as weaken Obama as a leader if his campaign resorted to using her influence and support to prop him up.

(UPDATE: Apparently the hypotheicals are in overdrive and I stand corrected - Clinton says she would take a Veep spot if it would "help the party's prospects in November". Great, but I still don't think it's likely to go down. Call it a gut feeling. Or maybe I'm ready for lunch. Meanwhile Jimmy Carter says he'll back Obama...way to fall in line. If only we could do something about your one-man Middle East peace plan...)

McCain vs. Obama...wunderbar. Not the election I hoped to see, but my vote's begrudgingly for Chocolate Thunder. It was still an incredibly stupid position for the party to be making history with a black or female candidate, especially in a time that is more a slam dunk than ever to get the Republicans out of office. Yet with the least clear cut of victories to his advantage, Obama takes his superior lack of experience and oft mentioned lower margin of success in projected contests against McCain than Clinton to the polling booth. Do not be surprised if Obama fails to gain Clinton supporters (who have a higher fallout backing him than Obama constituents would following Clinton), and fails to win the election. McCain dodged a bullet and has far better odds now.

Battles, "Race: Out"

The Blackest Black Metal (None More Black)

In a move that would please Spinal Tap and Dethklok, a joint team from Boston College and Duke University have nanoengineered a material that absorbs all the light that strikes it - the ultimate in black metal.

The team designed and engineered a metamaterial that uses tiny geometric surface features to successfully capture the electric and magnetic properties of a microwave to the point of total absorption.

Three things can happen to light when it hits a material: It can be reflected, as in a mirror. It can be transmitted, as with window glass. Or it can be absorbed and turned into heat. This metamaterial was engineered to ensure that all light is neither reflected nor transmitted, but is turned completely into heat and absorbed. The design is set to specific frequency that can absorb all of the photons that fall onto its surface.

This metamaterial is the first to demonstrate perfect absorption, and unlike conventional absorbers it is constructed solely out of metallic elements, which gives the material greater flexibility for applications.

Stronger Than Coffee

Need a jolt in the morning? Then just take a gander at this photo of the gorgeous Amy Winehouse. I'm not sure if she's really 24 or the living dead, but in either case I'm fairly certain that the only way to kill her is to destroy the brain.

Give The People What They Don't Want

The tech world is full of inherently terrible ideas, many of which never see the light of day. One especially bad one that just won't seem to die (like some celebutants) is the idea that people want to buy DVDs that will self-destruct in a couple of days. Aside form the fact that the entire concept is basically like raping mother nature, it's an idea that consumers have shown zero interest in getting behind. But nearly a decade after the idea was first floated, Staples is about to get onboard with it.

Flexplay, a company that's been peddling self-destructing DVDs for five years or so, is teaming up with the office supply chain to start selling the future coasters for $4.99 each later this month. It makes perfect sense to do it at a time when downloads are becoming more popular, Netflix is ubiquitous and there's a newer disc format out there competing with DVD. If you haven't converted your stock over to Office Depot, hurry.

Judgement Call

Should you feel bad for Kelsey Grammar or not?

One one hand he's had a whole slew of personal tragedy. In 1968, his father was murdered on the front lawn of his home. In 1975, his sister was raped and murdered by a gang of hooligans after being abducted outside a Red Lobster restaurant in Colorado. And in 1980, his twin half-brothers were killed in a SCUBA diving accident.

On the other, he made millions upon millions playing one character for 20 years (and more than half was on the terribly unfunny Frasier)

On one hand, he just suffered a mild heart attack.

One the other hand, he was was paddle-boarding with his wife, Camille, when he experienced symptoms. In Kona, Hawaii's big island, where they live. And this is his former playmate wife:

Well, to be fair, she has irritable bowel syndrome, and that's kinda unsexy.

Diddley Deadly

Finally, a good name I can use, instead of just putting it and the dates!

Bo Diddley was a founding father of rock 'n' roll whose distinctive guitar work inspired legions of other musicians. He died at 79 of heart failure at his home. The musician had suffered a heart attack in August, three months after suffering a stroke while touring in Iowa.

The legendary singer and performer, known for his homemade square guitar, dark glasses and black hat, was an inductee into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, had a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, and received a lifetime achievement award in 1999 at the Grammy Awards. In recent years he also played for the elder President Bush and President Clinton.

Diddley appreciated the honors he received, "but it didn't put no figures in my checkbook. If you ain't got no money, ain't nobody calls you honey," he quipped.

The name Bo Diddley came from other youngsters when he was growing up in Chicago. His first single, "Bo Diddley," introduced record buyers in 1955 to his signature rhythm: bomp ba-bomp bomp, bomp bomp, often summarized as "shave and a haircut, two bits". Diddley's influence was felt on both sides of the Atlantic and was also one of the pioneers of the electric guitar, adding reverb and tremelo effects. He even rigged some of his guitars himself.

Growing up, Diddley said he had no musical idols, and he wasn't entirely pleased that others drew on his innovations. "I don't like to copy anybody. Everybody tries to do what I do, update it," he said. "I don't have any idols I copied after. They copied everything I did, upgraded it, messed it up. It seems to me that nobody can come up with their own thing, they have to put a little bit of Bo Diddley there," he said.

Diddley, like other artists of his generations, was paid a flat fee for his recordings and said he received no royalty payments on record sales. He also said he was never paid for many of his performances. "I am owed. I've never got paid," he said. "A dude with a pencil is worse than a cat with a machine gun."

In the early 1950s, Diddley said, disc jockeys called his type of music, "Jungle Music." It was Cleveland disc jockey Alan Freed who is credited with inventing the term "rock 'n' roll." Diddley said Freed was talking about him, when he introduced him, saying, "Here is a man with an original sound, who is going to rock and roll you right out of your seat." And he did.

Bummer, Man

Long-term heavy use of marijuana may cause two important brain structures to shrink, Australian researchers said on Monday. I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

Brain scans showed the hippocampus and amygdala were smaller in men who were heavy marijuana users compared to nonusers, the researchers said. The men had smoked "at least five marijuana cigarettes" daily for on average 20 years. Damn, calling them marijuana cigarettes makes it sound totally uncool.

The hippocampus regulates memory and emotion, while the amygdala plays a critical role in fear and aggression. The study also found the heavy cannabis users earned lower scores than the nonusers in a verbal learning task -- trying to recall a list of 15 words. Yeah, well, what list of 15 words? I bet if pizza, interweb, and Will Ferrell were chosen they'd remember.

Among the 15 heavy marijuana users in the study, the hippocampus volume was 12% less and the amygdala volume was 7% less than in 16 men who were not marijuana users. The researchers acknowledged that the study did not prove it was the marijuana and not some other factor that triggered these brain differences but the findings certainly suggested marijuana was the cause. Marijuana users were more likely to exhibit mild signs of psychotic disorders, but not enough to be formally diagnosed with any such disorder, the researchers added. While about half of the marijuana users reported experiencing some form of paranoia and social withdrawal, only one of the nonusers reported such symptoms. The heavy marijuana users, average age 40, said they had used other illicit drugs less than 10 times.

Supporters of legal sales and regulation of marijuana took issue with the findings, particularly because they were based on men who were such heavy, long-term users.

"These were people who were essentially stoned all day every day for 20 years," said a Marijuana Policy Project spokesman. "This study says nothing about moderate or occasional users, who are the vast majority -- and the (study) even acknowledges this. The documented damage caused by comparably heavy use of alcohol or tobacco is just off-the-charts more serious, and you don't need high-tech scans to find it."

Researchers have begun new research on the effects of both short-term and long-term and moderate and heavy use of marijuana. Who ever wrote that last sentence must be high.

Spel Chekk

A computer spell-checker run amok christened several Pennsylvania high school students with awesome new last names.

Middletown Area High School's yearbook listed Max Zupanovic as "Max Supernova," Kathy Carbaugh as "Kathy Airbag" and Alessandra Ippolito as "Alexandria Impolite," just to name a few. Supernova? Supercool.

"It was kind of funny, but kind of rude at the same time," Ippolito said.

The mistakes were found on four of the yearbook's 176 pages, the co-editor said. Ed Patrick of Taylor Publishing, which printed the book, said his company is responsible for the errors and will provide free stickers printed with the correct names. "It happens all the time, every year," Patrick said. "Look at any yearbook in the country."

Actually, I don't think it does. Because back when I was working on the yearbook in high school, there was no spellcheck on the name section. Because they're names, idiot.