Whatever The Opposite Of Irony Is

I think that the notion of the butterfly effect is stupid, and not just due to the gayness of the name (the same goes for the rainbow connection, the soft parade, and sissy bars). If you want to get philosophical and introspective, that’s fine, but be pragmatic. There are billions of micro-events happening every second, and the omission of any one make won’t change anything. It’s a mathematical impossible, and besides, we’d all fear butterflies if their little flapping wings were changing election results and creating tsunamis. Go nerd out on chaos theory and Lorenz attractors if you must, but know that there’s any number of outcomes and event possibilities, infinitely changing and re-factoring probability.

I draw attention to the outcome of events, and how some actions have the potential to trigger or set up other reactions because I found two stories that seem to have played themselves out to a reasonable yet unexpected conclusion. What is beyond irony?

On Wednesday, a police officer walking into a doughnut shop was shot in the head, as it was being robbed. The robber left the shop, but returned to pick up officer Charles Cassidy‘s gun, and then fled. Police swarmed the North Philadelphia neighborhood, but the gunman is still at large. Cassidy, had surgery but died a day later. Wounds to the forehead where the bullet passes through your brain tend to be fatal.

Meanwhile in California, hundreds of sex offenders are declaring themselves homeless (truthfully or not) which is making it difficult for the state to track them. Jessica's Law, approved a year ago, bars registered sex offenders from living within 2,000 feet of a school or park where children gather, leaving few places where offenders can live legally. California's law requires parolees to live in the county of their last legal residence, but in San Francisco, for example, all homes are within 2,000 feet of a school or park. Nice. And offenders who declare themselves homeless must tell their parole officer each day where they spent the previous night.

Living in a world where cops are getting shot at donut shops and sex offenders are rendered homeless by virtue of overlapping laws is surreal, yet unsurprising. It seems like a natural result, and so obvious that it would be overlooked save when it makes news.

Five Star Homotel

The first five-star gay hotel in Latin America opened in Buenos Aires, an increasingly popular destination on the worldwide gay tourist circuit.

First, I didn't know there was a special classification and system for gay hotel ratings, but I figure they have to be way higher and meticulous than regular hotels - and that difference is dramatic (pun intended!) Also, I was unaware there was a worldwide gay tourist circuit. You think I'd write that unless I didn't crib that gem elsewhere? That's crazy. What is it, Fire Island, San Francisco, Thailand, Costa Rica, and now Argentina? And where does the breeder circuit take me? Oh how I want to travel now!

Developed by Spain's Axel Corp., it is the second such hotel - the first having opened in Barcelona in 2003.

"Like any other business, we have economic objectives," general manager Nacho Rodriguez said. But "we're also about fighting to help the normalization and acceptance of gays in society." Dude, with a name like Nacho Rodriguez, you're not helping with that acceptance. That's got gay pron all over it. Who's the assistant manager, Colt Stryker? Billy Bronco? Tad Hardfellow?

Rodriguez said the hotel was designed to be open and airy (man, can this guy pick his words or what?). "Many gay hotels and places are closed off and can't be seen from the street," Rodriguez said. "We wanted our hotel to be open and visible. Why should we try and hide ourselves?"

Oh, maybe just the rumpus gay parties that may take place? That kind that start in a glass-bottomed pool on the top floor that is visible as patrons enter the lobby. Or perhaps the addition of the "please disturb" sign to your doors?

Nobody should give two shits about gay couples in a hotel. I sure don't. But having to swing overboard the other way de-normalizes being gay to the point where you're trying to create a promiscuous environment that makes gays come across like hedonistic fiends. Having a place to be comfortable as yourself is far different than having a place to be a caricature of yourself.

Company officials call the hotel is "hetero-friendly," but other than pushing an open gay sex agenda what make the place specifically gay? Only pink sheets? Mineral water on tap? Complimentary poppers with turndown service?

Rumor has it that Buenos Aires is vying with Rio de Janeiro for the title of South America's gay capital...well, they've got on hotel up on you Brazil -- your move.

Best. Office. Supply. Ever.

Froggy D has a fear of clowns, which I think is silly, but ask her about all the times she's been to C.I.A and how unnerving it was. Some people are spooked by dolls, - I guess it's how they and clowns can be twisted to go from innocent to evil looking, but that doesn't bother me. However, this office impliment will trouble you if you are in the latter of fears.

Halloween is the perfect time for the Living Dead Dolls Sadie Pencil Sharpener. If you've always wanted to shove a dull pencil into an eye socket and not only have it come out sharpened, but also watch a head "vomit" the shavings, then you're in luck. Like $7 kind of luck.

Sadly, this beautiful, genius piece of office usefulness is sold out, but check back here to get your hands on one.

Guilds And Wordsmiths

Hollywood writers and producers broke off contract talks without a new deal, allowing their pact to expire at midnight, making a strike more likely.

No new talks were scheduled for Thursday as the writers will meet that night to plan their next move. A walkout has not been mentioned, and sources expect it will be a week before that action occurs.

At stake is the revenue and payment to writers from the sale of DVDs and interweb sales. They feel the current rate is too low and do not want to see the same figures applied to new media and digital enterprises...and therein lies the rub.

The crafty producers prepared for a strike by writers and stockpiled dozens of movie scripts, while TV shows have enough scripts or completed shows in hand to last until early next year. It's believed that networks would turn to reality shows, news programs and reruns to fill the prime-time airwaves, but their late-night programs wouldn't fare as well as they are more topically driven.

If a strike occurs, I will gladly cross the line and help keep Hollywood moving along. The thought of more reality shows with web-skanks like Tila Tequila or trollop-voyeurism of Kim "Fat Junk" Kardashian makes me want to drop my rate just to keep the airwaves fully programmed.

Pumpkininny!

Ween-o-rama at my pad this year, featuring the famous costume swap. And please, no more pumpkins.

Maddox Finds Fashion

...and then rejects it.

Always happy to see the curmudgeonly interweb recluse make an appearance with a new post.

A Message From Robert Goulet

I'm DEAAAAAAAD!

Billbored

The new Britney Spears album, "Blackout" came out today, to little fanfare and less praise.

For months her public meltdowns have entertained, and her portly frame lumbered through awards show performance and poorly conceived video. The songs have received far less airplay than expected, and now even the package itself is taking flack - pictures from the CDs liner notes showing Britney in sexual poses with a "priest".

Yawn.

The New York Daily News said the saucy snapshots are a "bottom of the barrel" stunt from a girl who really could use some quality time spent repenting sins in a wooden cubicle. Nice. But the best came strangely enough from the religious right.

"This is all the puzzle pieces coming together. This girl is crashing," said Bill Donohue, president of the New York-based Catholic League. "She's not even allowed to bring up her own kids because she's not responsible enough. Now we see she can't even entertain."

Harsh...and spot on.

Battles

Battles...tonight!

UPDATE: The show kicked so much ass. Battles is one of those bands who really turn it up live and make the songs shine. They were like a well polished machine that fired on all cylinders, especially drummer John Stanier -- what a monster. I could wank on and on about their technical virtue and experimental aptitude, but it's just best to insist you see them live when they roll into your town.

UPDATE 2: There's something surreal about having Battles B EP and C EP on at the same time as Virgin Patrol 4 in the background while I bloggulate. Those two go together amazingly, even without paying attention to them.

In Case You Were Wondering...

Sarah Jessica Parker is still a nasty fug monster.

For Mature Gamers

With the torture-porn of Saw IV drumming up over $30 million at this weekend's box office, what's all the fuss over "Manhunt 2"?

Child advocates are looking to stir up boycotts of the video game title, which goes on sale Wednesday. The "mature" rated game (appropriate for people 17 and up), is a first-person take on the role of a man escaping from an insane asylum. Characters in the game can kill and torture using implements ranging from glass and shovels to a fuse box and a toilet.

Made for the Nintendo Wii, Sony PlayStation Portable and PlayStation 2, the Entertainment Software Rating Board originally gave it a rating of "adult only" that would have excluded it from some big-box retailers, including Wal-Mart. A modified version of "Manhunt 2" later got the "mature" rating.

"This is a very clear and firm warning to parents that the game is in no way intended for children," the ESRB said in a statement. Great, problem solved...except folks are still looking to keep adults from making the choice to play the game.

The British Board of Film Classifications banned the title and maintained the ban on the modified version. It said the changes don't "go far enough."

"The impact of the revisions on the bleakness and callousness of tone, or the essential nature of the gameplay, is clearly insufficient," they wrote. "There has been a reduction in the visual detail in some of the 'execution kills,' but in others they retain their original visceral and casually sadistic nature."

And why are English film raters looking at a video game?

"In my opinion, it's the most senselessly violent and offensive thing I've ever watched," said James Steyer, CEO of Common Sense Media.

I'm guessing he had no problem with the virtual snuff film about Jesus from Mel Gibson, or never saw it if he's making that statement.

"It's disgusting," Steyer said. "It's so violent, it struck me personally as pornographic violence."

Well, now we know he hasn't seen any of the Saw or Hostel films.

Professional gamers who reviewed the original and modified titles, say a scene in which a character pummels someone's neck with a shovel doesn't appear to have made the official cut, as well as a pliers-and-genitalia scene. Of course, players may still use shovels as instruments of torture as well as pliers as weapons -- just not specifically on the neck and genitals.

Ultimately, the company "believes in freedom of creative expression. We also believe in social responsibility. Not all of our products are intended for all consumers and we responsibly market our mature products to adults. We firmly believe that informed adults should be able to make their own choices about entertainment products for themselves and their families." And damn it, they're right.

Once you get to the point that the game was meant "specifically for those players mature enough to appreciate it," you have to realize that either it's your cup of tea or it ain't.

The kind of tea where you pull out somebody’s vertebrae and shoot them point blank with a shotgun.

Evolution / Devolution

Why does a school of economics have a evolutionary theorist? So that bizarre claims like this can be made.

In a few millenia, the human race will split into two separate species, an attractive, intelligent ruling elite and an underclass of dim-witted, ugly goblin-like creatures. Yes, Oliver Curry likes him some H.G. Wells.

Having reached its physical peak by the year 3000, humans will begin to regress, according to Curry. These humans will be between 6ft and 7ft tall and they will live up to 120 years.

"Physical features will be driven by indicators of health, youth and fertility that men and women have evolved to look for in potential mates," and he further suggests that advances in cosmetic surgery and other body modifying techniques will effectively homogenise our appearance.

Men will have symmetrical facial features, deeper voices and bigger penises, and women will all have glossy hair, smooth hairless skin, large eyes and pert breasts. Sounds to me he's been watching a lot of porn for his "research".

The report supposes racial differences will be a thing of the past as interbreeding produces a single coffee-coloured skin tone and reliance on technology will have begun to dramatically change our appearance. And from there, he speculates the possible emergence of genetic 'haves' and 'have-nots'.

While we may not be around to see if we become the Eloi and Morlock races, at least we can look back at Devo, who pioneered the theory of de-evolution through new wave music.

Appended

Some scientists think they have figured out the real job of the troublesome and seemingly useless appendix: it produces and protects good germs for your gut. Now if they could only determine the purpose of your brother.

For generations the appendix has been dismissed as superfluous, as doctors figured it had no function and surgeons removed them routinely. But despite people living fine without them, this new theory has come from surgeons and immunologists at Duke University.

The function of the appendix seems related to the massive amount of bacteria populating the human digestive system, according to their study. Truth be told, there are more bacteria than human cells in the typical body, but most are good and help digest food. When bacteria in the intestines die or are purged by diseases like cholera or dysentery, the appendix's job is to reboot the digestive system in that case.

Acting as a storehouse for bacteria, its location just below the normal one-way flow of food and germs in the large intestine helps support the theory. When infected, the appendix can turn deadly, but the organ acts like a bacteria factory to cultivate good germs. Similar though is now going into research into the tonsils, another oft removed part of the body which may perform a similar function.

Feral Cat

I would say that it took about three photos before the weirdness kicked in.

The interweb is for sharing, and I'm happy to know there's a home out there with a feral cat in it.

Bob O.

About ten years ago I caught Bob Ostertag and Mike Patton at the Bottom Of The Hill in San Francisco, and it was beautiful chaos.

The avant-noise composer has been making soundscapes on the fringes of the recording industry for years, and his latest work is more of the same bizarre and brilliant electronic collages. His latest, w00t, is a collage of computer game music and sounds. I'll let him tell you about it:

w00t. def: l337 l33t awesome awesomeness bag of crap balls cool counter cult excitement exclamation f00 fox ftw fuck fun fw00t h4x0r geek great happiness happy hello hits hooray hurray huzzah internet j00 jell-o joy l00t lleet lemurs lewt lol omg own ownage owned poo pwn pwned pwnage pwning rofl score shit squee sweet swoot weet wewt wicked w0ot wo0t woo woohoo woop wootage wootfox wootmas wow yay yeah yes zomg

The w00t music began as the sound for Special Forces, a live cinematic performance by Living Cinema (Pierre Hébert and Bob Ostertag), which addressed the Israeli invasion of Lebanon in 2006.

In March of 2006, I put all my recordings to which I owned the rights (14 CDs) up for free download from this site. w00t is my first release to skip the CD-for-sale stage and go directly to free Internet download, under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license. Please download, copy, send to your friends, remix, mutilate, and mash-up. And please support this attempt to build free culture by sending a link for w00t to your friends. w00t consists of a 50-minute sound collage, a 4.5 minute sound “trailer,” and associated “cover art.” There is, however, no cover. w00t is a free, internet-only release. w00t was composed entirely from fragments of music from these computer games:

Balloon Fight • Congo Bongo • Contra • Earthbound • Halo: Combat Evolved • Ico • Katamari Damacy • Killer Instinct • The Legend of Zelda • Massive Assault • Myst • Star Fox • Super Metroid • Super Smash Bros.: Melee • Viewtiful Joe • WarioWare, Inc: Mega Party Game$ • World of Warcraft

Images from these same games were included in the w00t art work.

How butch is that? Radiohead may get the media spotlight for their album, but guys like Bob Ostertag have made serious digital strides and artistic risk. Get the full composition here, or if you need a small primer on the man's work, check out his collaborations.

Between Science and Garbage (Pierre Hébert/Bob Ostertag), Parts 1 and 2

Never Mind The Pistols

Faux -anarchy and "punk" rock arrived on the Sunset Strip last night as the Sex Pistols played the famed Roxy for all the wrong reasons.

The band played almost all of their songs during the hour-long set, which is not surprising considering they only put out one album before disbanding. With famous fuck-up Sid Vicious dirt napping, the only headline grabbing tactic they can use is to promote that it's the original members. Yeah, go ahead and name them...I thought so.

By all accounts, the performance was a little rusty -- with reviewers actually calling the poor showing "predictably" so. What a treat it must have been to see singer Johnny Rotten forgetting the words to the first song of the night. Way to prepare for a show, dickbag. When the man who snidely chided "Do you ever get the felling like you've been cheated" becomes the cliche he was mocking, well, that's just delightful. Rotten then wanked like a primadonna about the sound and the heat.

Bollocks all around. This was a sponsored, promo tie-in with the release of Guitar Hero III. The Sex Pistols were always over-rated, now they're entering legendary status...as marketing tools, emphasis on tool. A "reunion" show with the underlying intention of selling video games - that's brilliant. Their brand name is bigger, better, and more important than their weak music, so pumping a game is what they were suited for. This show, and the motivation to do it proves how punk they are.

Weekend At Whippany's

Greeting from Whippany, New Jersey!

Once again, your fearless Famous has hit the road for another bat mitzvah. Sadly, it falls over the Halloween weekend, as pretty much everybody is celebrating the Wed night holiday prior to, and aside from the second consecutive holiday weekend / month, I am missing Big Buckey's birthoween super jam. I love the shit outta Halloween and to be denied, well is teh 5ux0r.

On the red eye out, Kevin Smith was on the plane After five hours of flying, we're collaborating on some projects, and I'm getting a producer credit on his next flick. I also realized he's going bald big time in the back. Oh yeah, I made up the second thing.

Did I mention it's raining?

What can you do? Blood is thicker than water. And my cousin David and I will pretend we're ushers at the night services, because that's a hoot.

ROLF!

Another Lost Mystery

The hatch? The smoke monster? The Others? None are as puzzling as the continuing arrest pattern of actors on the show Lost.

Daniel Dae Kim was arrested under suspicion of drunk driving.

Other Lost stars facing problems with the police in Hawaii include Michelle Rodriguez and Cynthia Watros. Rodriguez was sentenced to five days in jail and $357 in fines, while Watros had her license suspended for 90 days and paid a $312 fine. Both characters were killed off in 2005 after they pleaded guilty to drunken driving. A year ago, Adewale Akinnuoye Agbaje was arrested for a traffic violation and accused of disobeying a police officer and driving without a license. The charges were dropped, but his character also was killed off.

Seeing any patterns?

Five other cast members working in Hawaii have been cited for traffic violations, mostly for speeding. At this rate, the entire cast will be in jail before the show run ends in 2010, and every character will have been killed.

Celt-man

Already the dumber, less developed caveman archetype, now Neanderthals are being painted as the redheaded outcast.

Researchers studying the DNA of Neanderthals found a mutation in two individuals that can affect both skin and hair pigmentation. The mutation reduces the function of a gene known as MC1R. In modern humans, when a slightly different mutation reduces the function of that gene the result is red hair and fair skin...much like modern-day humans of Celtic origin.

Oh no they didn't!

"The stereotype of primitive peoples is that they are dark skinned, but some paleontologists have been speculating for 20 years that some Neanderthals must have been pale skinned because they lived in northern Europe," said a professor of anthropology. "Light skin is adaptive at higher altitudes because it allows more UVB radiation to penetrate the skin and that promotes Vitamin D synthesis."

The mutation observed in the Neanderthal genes was different from the one documented in humans, but when scientists inserted the Neanderthal gene into cells in a test tube, it seemed to have the same effect on melatonin production as the modern human genes.

That said, the number of red-headed Neanderthals was probably pretty small, possibly just one percent of the population, just like the Irish. But really, for researchers to equate them with cavemen? It would be really insulting if not for the annual St, Patrick's Day debauchery that makes the Irish look less than evolved.

Boo Who?

Just in time for the holiday, a story that ought to scare you.

One third of people polled by the AP believe in ghosts and UFOs.

The poll was conducted by phone over two days consisting of over 1000 people, which right there should tell you something about the results. What kind of Samsonite answers the phone to participate in a survey about make believe things? Here are some of the other discoveries that the fine field of statistical science brings us:

>19% polled accept the existence of spells or witchcraft. 100% of those people read all seven Harry Potter books.

>48% responded they believe in ESP (extra-sensory perception). Over half the kids I went to school with were in ESL (English as a second language).

>23% of folks think they've seen a ghost or been in the presence of one. In the presence of? Are you sure it wasn't just a drafty window?

>18% of those who've seen a spook identified themselves as conservatives, while nearly twice that number sided with liberals. By the data alone, doesn't that seem obvious?

To put this in perspective with other polls and topics, 36% said they are baseball fans, 37% felt the U.S. made the right decision to invade Iraq, and 31% approve of the job President Bush is doing. Methinks the sampling group was primed to offer those results. Were they all red state farmers? I could tell you about the further polling on superstitions and how the demographics break down, but I feel we're establishing a pretty incredible un-credible set of poll respondents. Or ones who are more frightening than the results their beliefs speak to.

Love Thy Neighbor

Ogden, Utah mayor Matthew Godfrey is cleaning up his town one loser at a time. It helps when they're in his yard.

Awakened when somebody tried to break into their house, Godfrey went outside and saw the perp riding across his front lawn on a stolen bike. Cleverly, he ran the thief down and wrestled him into a headlock, holding the criminal until police arrived.

Curtis Poorman, 20, was arrested for investigation of burglary, robbery, public intoxication, illegal consumption of alcohol by a minor, and possession of marijuana. Poorman? Talk about being born into a life of crime.

Better still is the mayor is a diminutive 5'6" and about 135, while Poorman is over 160 and about 5'11".

The mayor, who had made reducing crime an issue in his re-election campaign, seems to have taken it personally, but encouraged others in similar situations to let the police handle it. Really, who wants two heroes campaigning for public office? You think I'm kidding? "It should be left to mayors who are determined to make their streets safe and the police. Everyone else should call 911," Godfrey said. Okay, easy up there little Napoleon. Somebody thinks they're a big boy now.

Besides, Poorman is no stranger.

"He's from a family that we know and love and respect. They're good friends of ours, and they just have a wayward child," Godfrey said. "I taught this young man in church."

Clearly you didn't do such a good job. And breaking into the house of your bible study teacher is not one of the top genius moves.

Strangely enough, Poorman's lawyer is J.D. Poorman — a distant cousin. Strange that someone in the family got an advanced degree - he must be the black sheep.

I find it fascinating how things work in Inbred County, Utah. I suspect a local reporter also wrote the story. That would explain why the headline calls the mayor 110 lbs and then negates that in the story.

Japital Punishment

Japanese Justice Minister Kunio Hatoyama said he wanted to consider more "tranquil" methods of execution.

What next, the Headmaster of Education looking at testing make-believe subjects?

Japan generally executes several convicts a year, always by hanging. That's old school, going back to their criminal code. Yeah, code, not laws. It's probably etched in stone on a mountainside.

"A square part of the floor opens up and they fall with a thud," he said. "I honestly wonder if there isn't a more tranquil way of doing this."

Maybe you might want to put some pillows under there so they don't get hurt. And killed.

It was not clear what other methods he was considering, which is stranger when you look at his comments from September, when he suggested those sentenced to death should be executed automatically, without having the penalty approved by the justice minister as is current practice. It then comes as no shock that he would like to hear the opinions of those opposed to the death penalty. What a people pleaser.

Boobs For Allah

Breast cancer, like women’s rights, are taboo to Arabian society.

One Saudi woman ignored the cancer growing in her breast because she didn't want to risk a referral to a male doctor. Another was divorced by her husband on the mere suspicion she had the disease, while a third was dragged away from a mammogram machine because the technicians were men.

This week their efforts received a boost this week from someone who has lived with a defective boob for most of her life - Laura Bush.

The First Lady met with a group of breast cancer survivors, who presented her with a long black scarf — the kind women use to cover their hair in public — with pink ribbons symbolizing the disease attached to both ends. They then helped her wrap it around her head, even though visiting female dignitaries are exempt from strict Saudi dress codes for women.

Breast cancer is the No. 1 killer of women in the United Arab Emirates, according to official statistics, with many dying because the stigma surrounding the disease prevents them from seeking early detection. The second biggest killer is Muslim extremists.

Breast cancer awareness campaigns are becoming more prevalent in the Arab world. In Lebanon, for instance, a public service TV announcement shows two round, lit candles. One of them is extinguished as an announcer reads statistics about the disease and reminds women to do mammograms. Then it tells them to obey their men, silently and unquestionably.

Wow, if Laura Bush can help breast cancer awareness, just imagine all the good her husband can do for the region!

Time Machine Coordinates: 1992

The current suckage of music makes me ever reminiscent of the '90s and all the tunes I enjoyed in my high school and college years. Too much of what I listen to is from the last decade...

King's X - "Black Flag"


GWAR - "The Road Behind"


Rocket From The Crypt - "Ditch Digger"


Morphine - "The Saddest Song"


Siouxsie And The Banshees - "Kiss Them For Me"

Proof That Prisons Rehabilitate

Being labeled the Preppie Killer makes a man have to prove he's not such a pussy.

Robert Chambers, who already turned a 15 year stint in prison for a "rough sex" encounter that ended up as a strangulation murder, was arrested after selling undercover officers cocaine out of his apartment. Repeatedly.

Chambers, put up a fight during the arrest to prove he was more of a man now that he was no longer killing 18 year olds and leaving their bodies in Central Park. That doesn't mean he's not the ladies man -- his girlfriend was also arrested in connection with the bust. Selling coke with your man, that's love and dedication.

Police had purchased roughly a quarter kilo of cocaine in eight buys over the summer, and during the raid they recovered 10 crack pipes and five small bags of cocaine. In 2004, he was arrested for misdemeanor heroin possession and unlicensed driving, which netted him 100 days in jail and fined $200. That's a pretty cheap fine for the drugs and far too harsh a sentence for the driving infraction if you ask me.

I think that going with the young Unabomber look is also a plus for him in the manly column. Flanked by two cops who look like they stepped of the set of The Shield, he's able to keep an Eastwood like zen, and the whole image just crushes the yellow sweater tied over a sky blue polo shirt picture his nom de kill paints. Well done sir!

It's easy to see how stuff like this starts. Just like on Saved By The Bell, you have some bullying ethnic kid like Slater calling you "preppie" all the time, and then one day, Zach snaps and Kelly Kapowski is found dead behind the cafeteria at Bayshore.

Big 5(00)

500 posts. It seems like every month we reach a new milestone, or should I say low point. Pretty much one in the same here.

So after many a late night naked in front of the computer, and day after day stealing minutes from work, I realize that this feeds my obsessive compulsive anal retentiveness. As if I needed one more ritual to adhere to beyond the chronic downloading hording.

It brings me pleasure to see that people bring up something that's been on here, and surprises me when somebody admits to reading the damn thing -- I'm still shocked anybody looks at it at all.

Ultimately, I do it for myself and not for anyone else, which is the most honest approach to writing anything. I am my own harshest critic and biggest fan, and once you have satisfied both parties there, you're in good shape. That, and you need me to water those little thoughts in your head which would otherwise go unstimulated and be stunted. What, is that piss? Uh...no. Look, it's wet -- isn't that enough?

...And There Was Magic Everywhere!

Last night Rybot, Scartoe and I were having a late night bite in NoHo and we came across the most awesome promo ever.

This Halloween, The Illusionators Lords Of Illusions are coming to Simi Valley for one night only!

Seriously, I thought we covered this before.

I used to hate Simi Valley because they had skinheads and plain working class white trash, but seeing that their community is condoning this kind of "entertainment", I have a whole new level of disrespect. Those fires out there and the super-crash on the I-5 last week, well, I think God is siding with me...

Stripperculosis

Dozens of people in St. Maarten are being treated for latent tuberculosis after health officials warned that they may have been exposed to the illness by a stripper infected with an active form of the disease.

Worst. Lapdance. Ever.

At least 40 people tested positive after an exotic dancer from the Dominican Republic was treated several months ago. Were they all baseball scouts? Half the major leagues come from there and Puerto Rico, and as far as I can see, the only reason for anybody to go to that hellhole.

Health officials struggled to identify those exposed, and resorted to launching a public campaign to urge anyone who had contact with the woman to seek treatment. I wonder why people who paid a stranger to rub herself on them until they made a mess in their pants would hide in the shadows of anonymity. Officials now believe they have identified everyone infected.

Tuberculosis, for those of you not living in the 19th century anymore, is caused by airborne bacteria that attack the lungs and can be fatal. Well, you better hope it was a two-for-one song you paid for if you are going to get some TB, otherwise you're getting ripped off.

Don't worry, American strippers are still (relatively) clean. The lap dance alert level is still holding at green, y'know like the money you're going to give them.

Burn Notice

Southern California is on fire.

Thirteen different fires are burning over 90,000 acres, and over a quarter million people have been evacuated from their homes. From Malibu to San Diego shit is burning out of control, whipped by the annual Santa Ana winds and particularly dry conditions.

Reports of 100 foot walls of flame leaping across ten lane highways go to show what an monster these fires are turning into. Famous Dad chimed in that voluntary evacuations are in effect in Carlsbad and he's ready to split if need be. It's just crazy.

This, oh, it's "Fire Woman" by The Cult. What a badass song. C'mon, everything turning to cinder is a bummer - this song is rockin'!

Pink Magic

For soothe, geeks! Your iconic wizard leader is a homo!

Author J.K. Rowling outed top wizard Albus Dumbledore to Harry Potter fans after a reading from the series’ final book at Carnegie Hall. The packed house responded with gasps and applause upon the coming out of the Hogwarts school headmaster, which now has a whole new disturbing meaning.

Fielding questions from audience members, Rowling was asked by one young fan whether Dumbledore finds "true love”, to which she replied "Dumbledore is gay”.

She then explained that Dumbledore was smitten with rival Gellert Grindelwald, whom he defeated long ago in a battle between good and bad wizards. "Falling in love can blind us to an extent," Rowling said of Dumbledore's feelings, adding that Dumbledore was "horribly, terribly let down." Dumbledore's love, she observed, was his "great tragedy."

No, the real tragedy is having to look at such a nonsensical sentence like “Hogwarts headmaster Albus Dumbledore is in love with Gellert Grindelwald” and not treat it like a joke. It’s hard enough for gay men to be taken seriously when they call themselves silly names, but with the childishly made up characters from the book, I don’t think their cause is being helped. I guess Lord Buttercup and Squishy Pinkbottom would have been too obvious. The whole thing sounds like an Eddie Izzard bit.

Englebert Humperdinck, etc at 4:10

Saddest of all is the fan speculation and energy put into the whole affair. Readers have speculated on the sexuality of Dumbledore, noting that he has no close relationship with women and a mysterious, troubled past. I knew the priesthood was a haven for homosexuals, but the schools of wizardry? Thankfully there is already fan fiction from deviants expressing the explicit lovin’ Dumbledore has when his wand is full of magic, so that canon can be hinted at assuming Rowling won’t touch the subject further. By the way, if you’re such a dork that you write your own stories about Harry Potter characters, please sterilize yourself. And if your stories about said fictional characters is erotic in nature, suck on the business end of a tailpipe. You’d be doing everybody a favor.

Blogwaste.gov

It what could be the jump-the-shark moment, several new blogs have popped up…from the government.

Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt and Homeland Security douche-in-charge Michael Chertoff are getting into the spirit of interweb communication, and along with the State Department, are posting thinly veiled propaganda and party rhetoric. Too truthful? Try the spin version, that Chertoff and Leavitt “discuss issues facing their departments and occasionally sound off on criticism of their policies”. Ahhh, so much more antiseptic and deceptively innocuous, right?

Leavitt says he writes every blog entry himself, while Chertoff comes up with an idea for a blog entry, then someone in the department writes it, and Chertoff heavily edits. In either case, do not expect anything revolutionary, controversial, or different than what these stooges do in their day job for the administration. Their blog is nothing more than an extra platform to say the same shit they do at press conferences and interviews. Isn’t that Fox News’ job? Or Slug Limbaugh and Prick O’Reilly?

The interweb is for teens with bedroom cams, stealing of music and movies, and bizarre and embarrassing pictures to get posted, not regurgitated government positions falsely softened and humanized because they’re on “personal” blogs. As a musician, I was shamed when Good Charlotte started making records, and now that these hurtbags are now my peers in the blog bowl, once more I feel cheapened and neutered by association. The concept of a government blog is an oxymoron.

Toe Tag Taggers

Let me start off by saying that this entry will not earn me friends or help my popularity at school, but I don’t care.

I come from the Spider Jerusalem school of writing, which is that bullshit must be withheld. Writing without belief in what you say is just jerking off your readers, and while I’m friendly, I don’t want to masturbate any of you. Well, one or two of you I’d diddle. But know that I don’t care about your criticism or disagreement with what I have to say, because, well, I’m right. And when you really think about why I’m right – and not just with this piece, but many of my other commentaries - you’ll get on board and start looking at things with eyes and mind wide open, which is more delicious and perky than a morning’s cup of coffee.

Back in mid-August, 17 year old Michael Pena was killed outside his family's apartment complex. The gunman who emerged from a car and began shooting, caught up with a fallen Pena, stood on the victim’s legs, and fired several bullets into his back. The little shit died a few hours later.

Los Angeles police still have no suspect or motive in his death, but that goes to show either they are completely incompetent (which sometimes fits the bill), or they may be thinking along the same lines as me.

Family and friends say Pena had been living a dual life.

The story from the LA Times tries to paint a typical picture of a good kid gone bad, caught between two worlds, and if you like your pathos served up so predictably, then you’ll lament his passing. But not me.

Pena had been a drum major and lead trumpeter in the city's best high school marching band, as well as a acolyte in the Mormon Church's Aaronic priesthood for young men. But he was also a high school dropout with a long career as a dedicated tagger His nickname, "Once", was spray painted on walls, buses and freeway underpasses all over Los Angeles.

I hate taggers, with all my passion.

If there is one group of people I have zero regard for it’s the vandals who tag their garbage on any surface they can get their Krylon on. Crime with a purpose is at least understandable, but boastful actions in the name of vanity and bravado, well, that’s a waste of crime. People sell drugs to make money and buy them to feel good. People rob and steal for the money, and operate organizations for the power and control. But defacing property out of the narcissistic need to try and have the biggest dick on the block, that’s just an ugly and stupid thing.

I’ve heard people defend taggers as being troubled kids who are looking to find some way to express themselves and claim something when they have nothing, but that’s the biggest, lamest excuse apology for the behavior. Boo fucking hoo. For all the underprivileged, disadvantaged people, not one of them made their life better by putting their tag on a wall. Last I heard there was no box on a job application for “most property ruined” or an opportunistic program asking for spray paint skills as a prerequisite. Tagging is pretty much the most useless and unhelpful action anyone can perform with their time.

The side of the building is not yours. The freeway onramp is not yours. The drainage basin is not yours. The Metrolink railcar is not yours. This is not “your” turf. It’s “our” turf – we, the public, and nobody elected you its defender. Your scrawl looks like you stuck a paint pen in your ass and had a seizure, which makes sense because only a retarded person just barely beyond machine assisted breathing could scribble out such indecipherable crap.

If there was a fund I could give to to buy bullets so that more taggers could be shot and killed, I’d take money out of every paycheck.

I pray that I get jury duty where the defendant shot and killed a tagger, because they are getting an automatic not guilty outta me. Or that a tagger is on trial, because I’m pushing for the maximum sentence, and I don’t care what the facts are. I am quite rationally irrational with my loathing of these punks, and want nothing more than the worst for all of them. Bullet wounds from bad encounters, crippling injuries from falling off an overpass – anything as long as they’re hurt, maimed, and (hopefully) killed.

Although living in a utopia where taggers were shot like clockwork is not happening yet (the same one where pedophiles, molesters, and rapists are castrated with a rusty saw), know that I’m not alone. Once, Pena’s father caught him with spray-paint cans and a razor blade, often used to tag bus windows. "He said, 'I don't do it on the walls or the houses.' I didn't believe him," said Felipe Pena. "I said if I see someone doing that to my house, I shoot the son-of-a-gun." Well sir, somebody did, and while you may regret it, I hope more idiot vandals get what’s coming to them.

Every day I read about another tagger dying is like Christmas morning, and I hope that I wake up and find another present.

Famous M, '08

Monkeyshines

Wild monkeys attacked a senior Indian government official, who then fell from a balcony at his home and died.

Yeah, I laughed long and hard too.

Many government buildings, temples and residential neighborhoods in New Delhi are overrun by Rhesus macaques, which scare passers-by and occasionally bite or snatch food from unsuspecting visitors.

Last year, the Delhi High Court reprimanded city authorities for failing to stop the animals from terrifying residents and asked them to find a permanent solution to the monkey menace. Over the years, city authorities have employed monkey catchers who use langurs — a larger and fiercer kind of monkey — to scare or catch the macaques, but the Rhesus issue persists.

Part of the problem is that devout Hindus believe monkeys are manifestations of the monkey god Hanuman and feed them bananas and peanuts — encouraging them to frequent public places. The other part of the problem is that India is a hellish third world nation that has no barrier or boundary between civilization and and episode of Animal Planet.

It's Never Too Late To Start The Weekend

Two days just doesn't feel like it's enough time to unwind. But if you work hard at it, you can get right into that relaxation zone. You'd be amazed at what a little effort gets you.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to tear the shit up and make good on lost time!

Nuclear Boner

The Air Force it would punish 70 airmen involved in the accidental, cross-country flight of a nuclear-armed B-52 bomber.

Their investigation found widespread disregard for the rules on handling such munitions. The missiles were supposed to be taken to Louisiana, but the warheads were supposed to have been removed beforehand.

A main reason for the error was that crews had decided not to follow a complex schedule under which the status of the missiles is tracked while they are disarmed, loaded, moved and so on. Why? The airmen replaced the schedule with their own "informal" system. Great. Nothing like a military branch with members who decide to break protocol and do things however they want.

The wing was de-certified from their ability to handle nuclear armaments, and as an added step, the military is decommissioning the weapons as well. But the soldiers need not worry about their future -- Blackwater has many positions opening up, and they appreciate improvisation and individual thinking.

ready to bomb serve America!

Hammerzeit

Will she be happier choosing the competition?

Mona Shaw was fined and got a suspended jail sentence, but says she has no regrets about using a hammer to vent her frustration at a cable company.

"I stand by my actions, even more so after getting all these telephone calls and hearing other people's complaints."

The 75 year old Shaw and her husband say they had an appointment in August for a Comcast technician to come to their home to install the company's heavily advertised Triple Play phone, interweb and cable service.

The Shaws say no one came all day, and the technician who showed up two days later left without finishing the setup. Two days after that, Comcast cut off all their service. Sounds like a great promotion.

At their local Comcast office later that day, they waited for a manager for two hours before being told the manager had left for the day, the Shaws say.

Shaw, a churchgoing secretary of the local AARP branch, returned the next Monday — with a hammer. Yeeeeeeeah!

"I smashed a keyboard, knocked over a monitor...and I went to hit the telephone," Shaw said. "I figured, 'Hey, my telephone is screwed up, so is yours.'" Grandmas gone wild!

Comcast Corp., the nation's largest cable company, disputes Shaw's version of its customer service record and calls Shaw's hammer fit an "inappropriate situation." That's putting a nice spin on it.

Police arrested Shaw for disorderly conduct. She received a three-month suspended sentence, was fined $345 and and is barred from going near the Comcast offices for a year. The Shaws did eventually get phone and television service — with Verizon and DirecTV.

Shaw said many people have called her a hero. "But no, I'm just an old lady who got mad. I had a hissy fit," she said. Damn straight you did.

My Favorite Niggas

Rapper Nas is upping his visibility and controversially (to some) calling his upcoming album “Nigga”.

The good news is it will drop December 11, just in time for you to ask for it in your stocking and enjoy the thought of your granny going to the store to ask a teenage clerk to help her find “that Nigga album”.

Not good enough? It gets better. "(People) shouldn't trip off the (album's) title; the songs are crazier than the title," Nas said in an interview.

There were reports that his label, Def Jam, had scuttled the title idea, and there was the obligatory Jesse Jackson protest commentary, but Nas stands by his claim, "We're taking power from that word."

Just like so many before him.

NWA - Straight Outta Compton

Back in the day, the rap game was raw, and a couple of young turks from the L.A. hood were spittin' the hard rhymes. Before Ice Cube was making shitty family movies, Eazy-E got himself a dirtnap full of the HIVs, or Dr. Dre ever blunted The Chronic, Niggas With Attitude were the street-fightin' Stones to Public Enemy's political Beatles. Along with where-are-they-nows MC Ren and DJ Yella, the five were not afraid to say "Fuck The Police" and snap a few caps off. When people say OG, they
were original gangsters.

Richard Pryor - The "N" Word

Every black comedian of the last 20 years should have signed his first paycheck over to Richard Pryor. Like Lenny Bruce, Pryor went deep into the areas that people were uncomfortable talking about, and place the race card to his advantage. Being black didn't mean only he could use the word, but it gave him the hell outta authority and cred when he did.

Ol' Dirty Bastard - Nigga Please

Rest In Peace, Big Baby Jesus / Osiris / ODB. His solo work away from Wu-Tang Clan is even more diabolical and bizarre than their Shaolin fueled underground rap dynasty. Nigga Please was pure Dirty, taking the absurd and making it sublime. Dirt McGirt wants wats his, so tell him "Baby I Got Your Money".

Dave Chappelle - The Niggar Family

At the height of fame, Chappelle's Show disappeared from the air. It had gotten bigger than Rick James parodies and bigger than Dave himself, but not before touching on every taboo that the network would allow...even just barely sometimes

South Park - The "N" Word

Cartoons can do things people can't. You can drop a piano on somebody, blow them up, or put them in the most impossible of situations without any concern for their well being. South Park is the reigning champion of satire, and they never shy away from controversy. Scientology, homosexuality, and yes, racism.

A Curious Murder

Rex Ditto pleaded guilty as part a of a deal and was sentenced to life without parole in prison for killing Alan Shalleck, who collaborated with the co-creator of "Curious George" to bring the naughty mischievous monkey to TV and a series of book sequels. Rex Ditto -- wasn't that a character in "Curious George".

Ditto's attorney said one of the reasons his client took the plea was so his parents would not have to sit through a trial and hear details of the crime. How conscious of him, to spare his parents the gory details of how poorly they faired raising their child.

"It was a horrible, horrible crime scene," the attorney said. How bad?

Try 83 blunt force injuries and more than three dozen stab wounds, including to the abdomen, neck and groin, an autopsy revealed.

What kind of violent passion could drive to such a brutal murder? Ditto agreed to testify if asked against his co-defendant and former lover, Vincent Puglisi, who is scheduled for trial early next year.

Gay men, they do have themselves some passion…

Ditto and Puglisi (they sound like Tony Soprano’s henchmen) went to Shalleck's home on Super Bowl Sunday in February 2006 intending to rob him. After the killing, Ditto and Puglisi stole jewelry from Shalleck and pilfered funds from his checking account, authorities said.

That may very well be the worst greatest Super Bowl Sunday story ever, worse than the time they cut away to show Heidi. Years back, I had the best one ever. I got solidly drunk and ate pizza, won over $1000 from betting on squares, and violated my girlfriend in, well…that place. Super indeed! Ever since then, the big game hasn’t held the same charm…

Second Sibs

Famous Cousin sent me this link to an article in Time about studies into birth order that her gal pal is quoted in. Now I need to have a book published if I want to get back to the top of her respect list, because my case of bloggarhea doesn't impress much.

Form your own theories, but the existence of Clint Howard, Jeb Bush, Frank Stallone, LaToya Jackson, Aaron Carter, and Kelly Osbourne make some pretty convincing arguments...

News Of The Day

News happens, and sometimes you don't get to hear about it, which is why we round up all the odds and ends you may have missed and stick it all in one easy to find place...

FDA To Warn Viagra Users Of Hearing Loss
Men with erectile dysfunction strangely don't hear "no" once they've got wood.

San Francisco Mulls Safe-Injection Room
Promoting the shooting of heroin and coke before gay marriage? That city is crazy, even by California standards.

Autistic Hiker Found Alive In West Virginia
Never mind the delicious combination of autism and West Virginia, but why take an 18 year old with the mental capacity of a preschooler hiking without a tether?

Swearing At Work Boosts Team Spirit, Morale
Fuck yeah! That shit kicks ass, bitch!

Clinton Health Plan For Americans Only
A comprehensive health plan for citizens that shuts out illegal immigrants? Simple, logical, and shocking that it didn't come from the Republicans.

Patriots Get Ticket Sellers' Names
Is the potential violation of privacy rights by New England a step towards keeping football ticket resale prices reasonable, or an attempt to create bigger controversy than their earlier cheating bust?

Coppola Chides 3 Oscar-Winning Actors
Calling De Niro, Nicholson, and Pacino apathetic? Says the man who cast his daughter in Godfather III and directed the Robin Williams shitbomb Jack.

French President Sarkozy And Wife Divorce
Apparently, even the French find the French annoying.

One, Two...

Joey Bishop, one of the lesser members of the famed Rat Pack, is now on his way to join up with Frank and posse.

The comedian died of multiple causes at his home. What exactly is that? He got stabbed while drinking poison on an exploding grenade? Heat attack during a stroke while suffocating? How about he was 89, and that’s old enough to die.

Peter Lawford, the other guy who was not Frank, Dean, or Sammy died first in 1984. Interestingly, Bishop outlived the Chairman (with his permission, of course).

Also on bucket kicking duty is Deborah Kerr, who swapped spit with Burt Lancaster in From Here to Eternity and tangoed with Yul Brenner in "The King and I. She was 86.

Kerr is proof that if you get six nominations for best actress, eventually you’ll get an honorary Oscar. I’d say more about them both, but I thought they were already dead long before news broke today. That, and I don’t care.

Ancient Dating

Even 160,00 years ago, primitive man was trying to get into his woman’s loincloth with seafood dinners, and she was tarting herself up to get dinner invites.

Overlooking the Indian Ocean near South Africa's Mossel Bay, researchers found evidence of harvested and cooked seafood, reddish pigment from ground rocks, and early tiny blade technology.

The discovery means humans were eating seafood about 40,000 years earlier than previously thought. This is also the earliest record of humans eating something other than what they caught or gathered on the land. Remnants of brown and black mussels, small saltwater clams, and sea snails were found -- even a barnacle, indicating whale blubber or skin was brought into the cave.

These early people had to trudge two to three miles to where the mussels, clams and snails were harvested and to bring them back to the cave. They put them over hot rocks to cook, similar to modern-day mussel-steaming, but without the pot. Seafood harvesting, unlike other hunter-gatherer activities, encourages people to stay put, yet very few signs were found in that area for tens of thousands of years.

It remains to be seen if this proto-Red Lobster had any competition from other restaurants in the area, but I would not be surprised if they unearthed an Outback Steakhouse nearby. Those places are everywhere.

Real Doll / Fake Girl

Ryan Gosling may make a film about a his life-sexed sex doll tolerable to your girlfriend, but she’ll still freak the hell out if she finds you have one.

Lars And The Real Girl prominently features the Real Doll, a silicone and endo-skeletal creation that is fully poseable and fully penetrable. These things have been around for years, but for most of you regular people, this is strange new territory. Customers can customize their doll to have one of 10 body types, 16 faces and 17 hairstyles, plus varieties of skin tones, hair and eye color, and makeup. They can even decide if she’ll have hardwood floors, a landing strip, or something more retro.

Abyss Creations, who makes the Real Doll, will ship over 400 dolls to the U.S. and abroad this year — at upward of $6,500 each. For many doll owners as well as Gosling's character in the film, they consider the dolls companions, each with her own personality and presence.

"She looks like a person," says Rob McKay, who owns two dolls, Lily and Eden. Those threesomes must get hot, with all the bending and positioning and rearranging like furniture. "Even though she's not a breathing person, psychologically you feel like someone is with you. They're like a balm for loneliness or aloneness." Almost. You apply balm on them before you turn them into a receptacle for your loneliness. Or aloneness. Or whatever made up word you use to describe that fact you sex up a mannequin and pretend it’s a person (and of course it looks like a person – who’s going to hump on something that doesn’t look like a person…wait, I have an idea!)

McKay continues, "That's where she's done the most good, reducing the feeling of solitude.” He also admits prefers intimacy with a live partner but hasn't had a girlfriend since 2001. Big shock.

By the way, I’m glad it’s not this Rob McKay - that would be wrong on so many levels.

McKay and other doll owners, who share their stories and photos online, compare the life-size ladies to "teddy bears for adults." A member of their online forum who goes by the creepy handle Doll Luvr says his doll "is far more than just an expensive sex toy."

"She sleeps with me, watches TV with me, sits at the table and has coffee with me," he writes. "Just having a female shape laying next to me in bed is very comforting." Spoken like a true serial killer. Remember ladies, if you meet a guy that uses the term “female shape” in a non-specific context like that, authorities will likely refer to whatever parts of you they find as being in the shape of a female.

Ready for more chillingly gross commentary from McKay? The dolls "inspire imagination," he says. "You put what you think into the doll, so you're projecting part of yourself onto this inanimate creature and making her seem more lifelike." Must I even go near that statement? Projecting part of yourself while you’re inspired to imagine things about an anatomical doll? Points for coming up with such an elegant way to say you masturbate into a sex toy, but still…

Gosling's character in the film gets emotional, but never physical, with Bianca, which seems to defeat the purpose of shelling out big money for it. But whereas Lars is delusional and believes the doll is alive, most doll owners "know where to draw the line," McKay says. Most? Yes, drawing the line at taking her to your nephew’s wedding or having arguments over dinner at the corner restaurant, well, that’s not okay.

I felt up a Real Doll at the Erotic LA, and only for a second, which says something about what touching a fake boob does to your psyche, even when you’re surrounded by porn stars and a warehouse full of dildos – the vagina kind, not the middle aged creeps in attendance.

big screen tv...check. Garfield clock...check. mounted sailfish...check.
confirmed - you're a creepy douchebag...time to have sex with the Real Doll!