If being awful was in proportion to the amount of MAC black ultra thin # 6 a band wore, these would be the most terrible sounding raccoons in the business. But take away the makeup and…well, I think it doesn’t change when you do that either.
Good Charlotte
On the cover of the goth-by-numbers coloring books are these dopes. The word is that they took their name from a kids novel about girls at an orphanage, which is the lamest, most weak story about coming up with a name. Steely Dan was a horrific vibrator from Naked Lunch, so the name gets double cred for being twisted and from a great book, but these pussies copped the worst of the worst, and if I recall correctly there's only at least a million books to choose from.
Fronted by twin sissies Joel and Benji (nice spelling) Madden, they bought up as much black "punk" clothing at Hot Topic as they could to look "hard", and had their sleeves done...although the ink is still drying, so don't smudge those "hardcore" designs. Pop music as it is is fine, but any attempt to beef it up just lands you crap like this band as a result. No metal band would dress in a pink tutu, but wannabe rockers who want an edge try to "get heavy", and for some reason use a lot of Old English fonts on things. Best of all, they are even a joke in the industry, and I have yet to find an interview where another musician gives them any props. Why? Because scientists have yet to build a machine to measure their incredible suckitude.
Typical Female Fan: girls with eating disorders, Hot Topic shoppers, junior high students
Typical Male Fan: guys who like BMX, posers, those douchebag Gotti boys
Musical Opposite: Tool – equal parts brute strength and emotional vulnerability with a progressive, artistic edge
AFI
These guys have been around for a while, and in all that time still haven't figured out their gender issues. The name AFI has been reconfigured several time, but they currently claim it means A Fire Inside. Like, the burning, aching fire of perhaps...gonorrhea, the kind you get from using a glory hole in West Hollywood. I was too young to know any better when Boy George came on the scene, but these days my tranny radar is fairly adept. And god bless all those wonderful pansexual folks and the bland music they make. I guess consistency is important, because every song is like the depressive wailing of broken-hearted manchild.
The secret to selling records is not to sound good or have talent, but to find a look and sell that. And when AFI became more mall-friendly, their popularity rose. I see any number of kids sitting in the food court living their look, but I guarantee they knock that shit off when they get home and put on a t shirt and sweatpants like everyone else, including these fellas. In high school, this kid Russ insisted everyone call him Boy, which I bet didn't last past the minute Russ got home and Boy was left outside. But what he and AFI have in common is bound to be plenty of notebooks full of lame, Neil Gaiman-inspired poetry...aside from an aversion to sunlight.
Typical Female Fan: fat goth Latinas, Suicide Girls, KROQ listeners
Typical Male Fan: bi-curious boys, teenagers who work at Subway, Rocky Horror Picture Show participants
Musical Opposite: The Melvins – somewhere between the hardest rock and metal sludge is where they reside, like Black Sabbath on Quaaludes
Fall Out Boy
The least gothic of the bunch, these alterna-popsters still use a load of eye makeup. Bridging the divide between wimp and pansy, Fall Out Boy are too happy to be decked out in goth garb and too peppy musically to breach the rock barrier. Fall Out Boy is the musical equivalent of that book at Supercuts with all the trendy hairdos -- nothing you'd ever consider, but somehow, stupidly on lots of folks. I suspect that most of their music is listened to by kids who've digested a pound of raw sugar and have started flailing and foaming at the mouth, because they're tolerable only past the point of seizure.
What's also notable is that the bassist is the most visible dork in the bunch, and not just because he's flaunted his dork. Fall Out Boy's singer must be such a cowering ninny that hyper-boy had to launch his ADD routine just so nobody wondered what his problem was. They call you the lead singer because you're supposed to, I don't know, lead the band or something. Never mind my criticism -- they're triple winners last year from the Teen Choice Awards! Clearly, the credible and sage-like teens of our country have spoken, and who are we to question them?
Typical Female Fan: girls who keep diaries, the waitress you want to hit on at that restaurant, VH1 viewers
Typical Male Fan: guys who shop at A+F, hairdressers, bar mitzvah aged boys
Musical Opposite: Refused – aggressive and angular post-hardcore that paved the way for later successes like At The Drive In and The Bronx
My Chemical Romance
This generation never had to endure the horror of Meatloaf, but there's a new threat looming, and it is My Chemical Romance. Operatic, theatrical rock is fine if you're a mustached and flamboyant showman like Freddie Mercury, but a quintet of Jersey boys who want to ape the spirit of A Clockwork Orange mixed with 80's new wave, and look like the marching band from Hell's patio doesn't come across too well. They are barely into their career and they already take themselves too seriously as musicians. It took Green Day a decade before they acted like they were as important to the world as they thought they were in their heads, but these clowns are on the fast track. Unless you're 70's era Rush, you don't get to make concept albums. Here's a concept - don't be a shitty band.
And now, my favorite tale of disgust towards their sad bombast. Word is they had to follow Slayer at a festival, and the reaction was less than warm. apparently, large sections of the audience threw bacon, tangerines, golf balls, and bottles filled with urine at the group as they played. Where they got bacon and golf balls, who knows, but that rules.
Typical Female Fan: chunky teens, Toyota Corolla drivers, girls with bad tattoos
Typical Male Fan: band geeks, people who don’t know Queen exists, adult comic book readers
Musical Opposite: The Ramones – there’s no concept albums here, unless you count straight up 4-on-the-floor rock and roll in every song that way
30 Seconds To Mars
If you've ever asked yourself, why can't there be a glossy, polished band with gothic rock and pop flair fronted by an actor who doesn't need a secondary career, look no further! Jared Leto must have taken somebody too literally and created a band to showcase his ability to not have to work on films and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe it was me. Okay Jared, point taken. You can do spacey alterna-rock if you like, but please don't. You're just feeding the stereotype that actors in bands only stand out and get deals because of their celebrity. Right, Keanu?
30 Seconds To Mars is is unnecessary. Dreamy, but unnecessary. Whoops, hard to focus on taking them seriously because it smacks of a vanity project, and sounds like one. Is this some kind of retaliation for Marky Mark stepping out into the acting world? What is the point? To play derivative music when you can do anything you want doesn't make much sense, but then again, you had those cornrows in Panic Room, so I guess there's my answer.
Typical Female Fan: girls who’ve taken pictures for a modeling portfolio, fans of My So Called Life, whoever’s dating Jared Leto
Typical Male Fan: “actors” who wait tables, junior executives in Hollywood, guys who are mistaken for girls
Musical Opposite: System Of A Down – no pretty boys, just four freaky looking Armenians who set Zappa-like cartoon changes against a metal background
Good Charlotte
On the cover of the goth-by-numbers coloring books are these dopes. The word is that they took their name from a kids novel about girls at an orphanage, which is the lamest, most weak story about coming up with a name. Steely Dan was a horrific vibrator from Naked Lunch, so the name gets double cred for being twisted and from a great book, but these pussies copped the worst of the worst, and if I recall correctly there's only at least a million books to choose from.
Fronted by twin sissies Joel and Benji (nice spelling) Madden, they bought up as much black "punk" clothing at Hot Topic as they could to look "hard", and had their sleeves done...although the ink is still drying, so don't smudge those "hardcore" designs. Pop music as it is is fine, but any attempt to beef it up just lands you crap like this band as a result. No metal band would dress in a pink tutu, but wannabe rockers who want an edge try to "get heavy", and for some reason use a lot of Old English fonts on things. Best of all, they are even a joke in the industry, and I have yet to find an interview where another musician gives them any props. Why? Because scientists have yet to build a machine to measure their incredible suckitude.
Typical Female Fan: girls with eating disorders, Hot Topic shoppers, junior high students
Typical Male Fan: guys who like BMX, posers, those douchebag Gotti boys
Musical Opposite: Tool – equal parts brute strength and emotional vulnerability with a progressive, artistic edge
AFI
These guys have been around for a while, and in all that time still haven't figured out their gender issues. The name AFI has been reconfigured several time, but they currently claim it means A Fire Inside. Like, the burning, aching fire of perhaps...gonorrhea, the kind you get from using a glory hole in West Hollywood. I was too young to know any better when Boy George came on the scene, but these days my tranny radar is fairly adept. And god bless all those wonderful pansexual folks and the bland music they make. I guess consistency is important, because every song is like the depressive wailing of broken-hearted manchild.
The secret to selling records is not to sound good or have talent, but to find a look and sell that. And when AFI became more mall-friendly, their popularity rose. I see any number of kids sitting in the food court living their look, but I guarantee they knock that shit off when they get home and put on a t shirt and sweatpants like everyone else, including these fellas. In high school, this kid Russ insisted everyone call him Boy, which I bet didn't last past the minute Russ got home and Boy was left outside. But what he and AFI have in common is bound to be plenty of notebooks full of lame, Neil Gaiman-inspired poetry...aside from an aversion to sunlight.
Typical Female Fan: fat goth Latinas, Suicide Girls, KROQ listeners
Typical Male Fan: bi-curious boys, teenagers who work at Subway, Rocky Horror Picture Show participants
Musical Opposite: The Melvins – somewhere between the hardest rock and metal sludge is where they reside, like Black Sabbath on Quaaludes
Fall Out Boy
The least gothic of the bunch, these alterna-popsters still use a load of eye makeup. Bridging the divide between wimp and pansy, Fall Out Boy are too happy to be decked out in goth garb and too peppy musically to breach the rock barrier. Fall Out Boy is the musical equivalent of that book at Supercuts with all the trendy hairdos -- nothing you'd ever consider, but somehow, stupidly on lots of folks. I suspect that most of their music is listened to by kids who've digested a pound of raw sugar and have started flailing and foaming at the mouth, because they're tolerable only past the point of seizure.
What's also notable is that the bassist is the most visible dork in the bunch, and not just because he's flaunted his dork. Fall Out Boy's singer must be such a cowering ninny that hyper-boy had to launch his ADD routine just so nobody wondered what his problem was. They call you the lead singer because you're supposed to, I don't know, lead the band or something. Never mind my criticism -- they're triple winners last year from the Teen Choice Awards! Clearly, the credible and sage-like teens of our country have spoken, and who are we to question them?
Typical Female Fan: girls who keep diaries, the waitress you want to hit on at that restaurant, VH1 viewers
Typical Male Fan: guys who shop at A+F, hairdressers, bar mitzvah aged boys
Musical Opposite: Refused – aggressive and angular post-hardcore that paved the way for later successes like At The Drive In and The Bronx
My Chemical Romance
This generation never had to endure the horror of Meatloaf, but there's a new threat looming, and it is My Chemical Romance. Operatic, theatrical rock is fine if you're a mustached and flamboyant showman like Freddie Mercury, but a quintet of Jersey boys who want to ape the spirit of A Clockwork Orange mixed with 80's new wave, and look like the marching band from Hell's patio doesn't come across too well. They are barely into their career and they already take themselves too seriously as musicians. It took Green Day a decade before they acted like they were as important to the world as they thought they were in their heads, but these clowns are on the fast track. Unless you're 70's era Rush, you don't get to make concept albums. Here's a concept - don't be a shitty band.
And now, my favorite tale of disgust towards their sad bombast. Word is they had to follow Slayer at a festival, and the reaction was less than warm. apparently, large sections of the audience threw bacon, tangerines, golf balls, and bottles filled with urine at the group as they played. Where they got bacon and golf balls, who knows, but that rules.
Typical Female Fan: chunky teens, Toyota Corolla drivers, girls with bad tattoos
Typical Male Fan: band geeks, people who don’t know Queen exists, adult comic book readers
Musical Opposite: The Ramones – there’s no concept albums here, unless you count straight up 4-on-the-floor rock and roll in every song that way
30 Seconds To Mars
If you've ever asked yourself, why can't there be a glossy, polished band with gothic rock and pop flair fronted by an actor who doesn't need a secondary career, look no further! Jared Leto must have taken somebody too literally and created a band to showcase his ability to not have to work on films and do whatever the hell he wants. Maybe it was me. Okay Jared, point taken. You can do spacey alterna-rock if you like, but please don't. You're just feeding the stereotype that actors in bands only stand out and get deals because of their celebrity. Right, Keanu?
30 Seconds To Mars is is unnecessary. Dreamy, but unnecessary. Whoops, hard to focus on taking them seriously because it smacks of a vanity project, and sounds like one. Is this some kind of retaliation for Marky Mark stepping out into the acting world? What is the point? To play derivative music when you can do anything you want doesn't make much sense, but then again, you had those cornrows in Panic Room, so I guess there's my answer.
Typical Female Fan: girls who’ve taken pictures for a modeling portfolio, fans of My So Called Life, whoever’s dating Jared Leto
Typical Male Fan: “actors” who wait tables, junior executives in Hollywood, guys who are mistaken for girls
Musical Opposite: System Of A Down – no pretty boys, just four freaky looking Armenians who set Zappa-like cartoon changes against a metal background
No comments:
Post a Comment