Badder Lieutenant

Fifteen years ago, Bad Lieutenant came out to controversy and shock as it's hardcore depiction of a immoral cop rattled audiences. Fresh from Reservoir Dogs, Harvey Keitel was a crack smoking, gambling, pervert who treated us to full frontal nudity and incoherent moaning, all under the banner of an NC-17 rating. In order to be released with an R rating, several edited need to be made.

The first time I came across this, I was laughing out loud*. Having re-read it the other day I had equal aplomb. Any single depiction of the graphic and intense items would have made the film retain the NC-17 rating. Now, imagine the movie as it had been intended**.

1. Bad Lieutenant's scrotum stretched out to create a "Tijuana Trampoline" for a Mexican jumping bean

2. Drugs or alcohol injected into a baby for luck

3. Part of a skeleton's hand hidden inside a vagina

4. Four instances of the unutterable profanity, which cannot be reproduced here

5. Turtle made to eat its own vomit through trickery or special effects

6. More than one consecutive minute of a man staring into the camera

7. Ghosts portrayed as real and/or consulted as experts

8. Erotic skullduggery

9. Good Lieutenant locked inside a freezer by Bad Lieutenant and thrown into river

10. Bad Lieutenant laughs and flushes goldfish down toilet

11. Semi-automatic weapon discharged inside a well or cistern more than twice

12. Destruction of federal property in the act of intercourse

13. Bad Firefighter seen using the restroom for emotional gratification

14. Sexual humiliation of house cats

15. Bad Lieutenant stands naked and eats canned pasta over his sink as his penis becomes visibly engorged

16. Babies utilized as the subject of an auction or in a barter transaction

17. Bad Astronaut admits to destroying Challenger space shuttle out of jealousy

18. Locomotives constructed prior to 1990 participating in a wedding ceremony

19. Birthday cake decoration used to advocate abortion

20. Bad Helicopter used twice to terrorize or maim wild horses

21. Bad Helicopter appears with the word "Fuckwagon" painted on the side

22. Bad Helicopter appears with a realistic image of a woman defecating on a rattlesnake painted on the side

23. Bad Helicopter seen using the restroom for emotional gratification

24. Ritualized torture and murder of a notary public

25. Depiction of a crab or lobster notarizing official police documents

26. Graphic demonstration of the forbidden "egg jape"

27. Oral copulation performed in a bad dumbwaiter

28. Minor forced to witness a sporting mascot purchasing crack cocaine

29. Scenes of one or more sporting mascots smoking drugs with a helicopter

30. Sodomy on Good Helicopter performed by a sporting mascot while a minor is forced to watch

31. Minor willingly assisting in the disposal of a body at the behest of a police officer

32. Multiple human skulls appearing in the wrong location on Bad Lieutenant's airport X-ray


33. Bad Lieutenant grunting and gasping on toilet bowl with graphic splashing sounds

34. Human skulls in toilet bowl fished out and sold to teenagers

35. Prominent background image or images of a wizard nude from the waist down

36. Graphic description of a wizard masturbating himself onto a photograph of the President Eisenhower

37. Industrial robot programmed to inject testosterone into an erection

38. Parrot trained to speak blasphemy against the Catholic Church

39. Hostage forced at gunpoint to simulate oral copulation with a doorknob

40. Bowling ball painted like a testicle rolled into bowling pins arranged to spell out vulgar terms for the vagina

41. Basket containing Christmas ornaments flattened by steamroller

42. Harpoon gun used in prostate exam

43. Gravity defied repeatedly and without explanation, implying the use of sorcery

44. Car driven by Bad Lieutenant made out of human guts, runs on blood

45. Bad Sergeant stabbed in neck with shovel for not being bad enough

46. Bad Lieutenant "fake throws" ball for Golden Retriever


47. Elderly woman shoved into puddle

48. Sporting mascot married to Chinese woman in citizenship scheme orchestrated by Bad Lieutenant and Bad Helicopter with assistance from Bad Crustacean Notary

49. Kazoo used to frighten rape victim

50. Amish deceived into using computer disguised as plow by Bad Astronaut

51. Nearby tornado ignored by characters without consequence

52. Multiple characters call in sick to jobs despite not being sick

53. Chastity vows mocked

54. Good Helicopter destroyed with missile for filing taxes on time

55. Dean's car taken apart and reassembled in his office

56. Trigger discipline ignored by Bad Lieutenant during Russian Roulette game

57. Bad Astronaut admits plans to fake Mars Landing

58. Bad Helicopter and Bad Astronaut framed by Bad Lieutenant for cocaine that has disappeared from evidence room

59. Bad Lieutenant promoted to Bad Captain by Bad Commissioner after proving bad enough to rescue Bad President


*Something Awful rules.

**You don't need to be familiar with Bad Lieutenant to appreciate the citations, but it makes it just a touch funnier if you have seen the film